J said- Father of Mine

There is a song by somebody called that...


Father of mine

tell me where have you been?


I wonder that sometimes...less than usual but more too. I mean... yeah I KNOW where he is... geographically at least. but emotionally? he isn't even here. never has been. most likely never will be. I wonder if when I have children...if he should be a part of their life...and then I wonder.. why bother? He isn't a part of mine...he hasn't been...and I think it is too late for him to be. At least as a father. As a friend.. maybe...if I can work beyond the strangeness of 18 years...and the bitterness that is in there SOMEWHERE... but never really bothered to come out. How can you miss something you have never had? or for that matter.. how can you miss a different version of something you hated?


I listen to/read about others relationships with their fathers and I am amazed..wow. Is THAT what they are for? yes...I will be the first to say that being without a father...without MY father has changed me.. especially as it deals with relationships and children. I KNOW that I will have children some day...but the importance of that child's father being there escapes me. What are they for? An extra body to feed and bring in money? As a support? *shakes head* I cannot understand. My life has been shaped such that I CANNOT understand. My mind will not expand to understand the need. I never asked where was my father. I knew. He wasn't there. all I had was my mommy. And she is all I have EVER needed. *sighs* And as for my relationships? I don't know...I assume since I SHOULD have been affected...that I have been...but since I don't know what kind of woman I would have been with MY father...I have to accept the woman that I have become without him.

Then I have a friend who has no mother. Her mother simply left. Left her twin 3 year old's with their father and their father's mother. And I wonder...being a woman...how has the lack of a mother affected her? How will it impact on her relationship with her children? how has it impacted her relationship with men? All she had was a Daddy. All I have ever had was a Mommy. And that has been all I have ever needed.

Yes. I am fiercely (idiotically at times) independent.

Yes. I DO lok at many a man in terms of what he can give me RIGHT now...cuz promises are worth the paper they are written on.

Yes. I do wonder what makes a man (or a woman) run away from their child/ren.


But in all that...I always seem to end up humming....


How do you feel
when you look over your life
and you don't see me?


J.