J said - Salt + Wound(open) = OUCH!

Ahh.... the wonders of a peaceful Saturday...I managed to not wake up until almost 2 p.m., and then lounged about the house in a decadent state. All I needed was some bon bons and a handsome person to rub my feet and life would have been just perfectly GRAND. But there was no such soul here, and to entertain myself I turned to reading Alice Walker's 'Anything We Love Can Be Saved'. After getting thoroughly mellowed out from that, and thinking about the things in my life that I loved, I grabbed my 52 Ways to simplify Your Life cards, and did a quick reading. (yes I use them like Tarot sometimes... and it seems to work). It said... basically that I needed to devote more time to a passion of mine before I lost all touch with it and myself.
Encouraged, I immediately ran to the living room and began to dig up all of my old writing... stuff from waay back in '92 up until the relative present. As I read, I was shocked by how much in there focused around one person....and how much stuff in there was FROM this one person. ACH! Salt drops into the wound. Everywhere I turn..even to the thing that is MY heart's passion.. he sits looking back at me (okay that fact the he shares..or at least he used to share that passion may be why...but STILL!) ...it is hard ..and odd ...and painful to untangle someone so thoroughly from your life...So....aching from that pain... and sternly telling myself not to cry..no I WON'T cry....I instead went onto collecting MY stories.. MY tales.. MY poems.... I have almost 6 beginnings or outlines to books & stories that I need to tell. Some of them have become more immediate and real to me, and some have faded away into that place where my 16 year old self stays.

Then I found another salty spot... a letter from my father. Humph.. long lost and rarely (once) seen, I didn't even bother to reread it. I am already too closely balanced on that NO.. I'm NOT gonna cry edge to read anything from him. However, I do want to drop him an email....but of course.. he is not 'with' the 21st century..because he doesn't appear to have a an email account....*GASP* What type of man has half of my DNA come from....NO email account?? even my mother.. of the famous 'What is the difference between a modem and a mouse' question has an email account! any way... that thwarted.. I still needed to write... not start on one of the tales yet...because I'm not ready for them...but..ah! The OD. A perfect place to spill and gush and talk..and to see what travails and drama's others have in their life.


Last night I showed one of my more frequent partners this site, and told him that YES I do have a diary... I didn't tell him who...and I won't. Already one person knows of my existence here..but as I trust him with my all....everything I say here..mostly he already knows.

But this other person....welll as nice of a person he is.. there is alot of me he doesn't know...and I have no problem keeping it that way. I'm not trying to obtain anything like that with him....and don't see myself doing so anytime soon.

And the summary of all that is?? Well... I don't know...this space is more than just a site for me.. it has become a place where I can shake down my braids. relax...and let it alll hang out.

wounds...salted and otherwise...are are part of growing up. Like the ubiquitous broken bone....and the constant scraped knees that we encounter in childhood...adulthood produces other wounds... not as obvious to the eyes...but still as deep and as open.


J.


but...Writing + Jazz(soft & slow) = Balm to all that ails me