J said - As the days go on...

This weekend was actully kinda fun. We got along well, and I didn't have any of those incredible urges to slap the stuffing out of one of them. Well, with that experience behind me, I must continue on, in the household business.

The house is pretty much so set up, and I realized that I really couldn't fit too much furniture in there. A coffee table for my phone, some pillows and a papasan to sit on, a bed (queen or full) for my room and a dresser. That is really all I need and my palace will be complete. The heat does work, but the thermostat is broken so it isn't acting right...I feel ever so bad because I haven't been to the gym in a whole WEEK...but really I have had perfectly good reasons not to go. I will start going tommorow ( I would go today...but I forgot my clothes..). Seeing them inspired me to slim down. We used to be the same size..and I think that we have changed in an inveresely propotional way...but I will make it...*sighs* I need a sugar daddy or something to take care of me...or at least provide for my being took care of. Ah well...pipe dreams and beggars wishes....


I realize that I babble alot.. but that is how I think...most of the time...I want to leave a record of what I'm doing and thinking now..so later I can see it clearly...


Most of my entires aren't very deep.. or very interesting..but they make sense to me...


I wrote my own wedding vows...a long time ago when I was deliciously in love and predicting what our children would look like.. I reread them (as I was unpacking) and realized that I really don't ask for much. All I want is someone to stand beside me through it all. I own this set of books called 'The Missing Piece' and 'The Missing Piece Meets The Big O'. They are childrens books, but to me they are a wonderful set of guidelines as to what relationship should be. In one..the missing piece finds a perfect fit with some one who is well..missing a piece. But as they travel, the missing piece begins to grow..and since the oter could not grow to accomadate the missing piece, they had to go their own ways. I think that if folx understood that that was a integral part of relationships..growing and sometimes having to let go.. there wouldn't be as much bitterness in the world. Sometimes we have to grow..and sometimes we grow beyond others...and when we do.. we have to be able to let go, with out anger, with out bitterness...but with the gentle release of meeting someting that was long expected to happen.

That may be why I could never see myself married. That is a bond that says there is NO letting go...there is no release...and I can't imagine ever finding someone who will grow with me...and who I can grow with. yet.. I want to fell the joy that Shaina sings about.. 'from this moment on....' I want to know the comfort of Janet 'everywhere I go every smile I see'. I want to be able to find comfort in someones arms...aware that the end may come..but too happy to think about it much.


J.

I let you go...free of any baggage...free from my tears...free from my pain. I let you go. And as you go...I remember what I have learned from you...and I continue to grow.