J said - To be Continued

(well I TOLD ya'll that is what I was gonna do)

"What's next?" I ask my mind.

"Welll....how about we talk about sex more?"

"No...I think I have worn that one out"

"Not possible..but....how about our friends & sex?"

I laugh- one of those silent internal laughs at the persistance of self.

"Fine...our friends and sex it is."


What about our friends and sex? well... I have something I'm trying to work out...but with respect to the party involved (you KNOW I think better when I write Papi) I shan't put it here.


Anyhow...one of my new booties (internet communichat folx) has asked me how I classify my male friends. And I realize.. except for the information divide between my significant other and my 'just' friends, there is really no difference. True...some friends know all about my sex life (2). Some friends know all about my feelings about him (1..may be 0) Some friends know about my stepfather (1 or 2) (damn Papi...you know ALOT about me) but I don't really classify them. I would sleep with all of my friends (both sexes..and in every sense of that word)...and I would comfort them all...that is what friends are for? yes?

He was confused by this...and I had to explain to him that I don't 'classify' much in my life. I am not good at sorting out or pin pointing my own emotions...I know WHAT I feel...but not why or how much or to what extent. I don't like pinning down my attractions (I like people...*sly grin* in soooo many different ways...sometimes) because it makes me feel limited. I feel like once you have called a unicorn a goat it can never go back to being a unicorn again even if that is what it actually was.


"I don't want to talk about sex anymore...what will you LET me talk about next?"

"magic?"

"hmm..people might think I'm crazy"

"If they don't know that by NOW...they need to start at the beginning and read the diary again..because CLEARLY they missed something the first time"


*side note - the hormones have let me GOOOOOO! *

Okay... had to make a candy run.....as I was saying..magic.


Or...as some would call it... Magick.


High Magick. *sighs* I don't even think I can explain HOW or why I think that it exists. I haven't SEEN a scrap of proof...and the only evidence I have is what I have read. But I suppose that and my natural agreement with W.Shakespeare "Horatio...there is more in heaven and earth than can be IMAGINED in your philosophy"

With that thought...and the fact that as a small child my mind was warped *grins* by reading stories of wonders and visions and absolute FANTASIES...I mean...how could I NOT believe?

So..what do I believe? I believe that there is a force out there (call it energy..karma..the spirit world... whatever you like) that can be tapped into and controlled by those who have a certain amount of innate ability, and some training. The tapping into and controlling of that force allows these people to do things that according to current science and modern belifs are simply not possible. *shrugs* I guess I am a DISbeliever in the fact that science has proved everything...more than I am a believer in Magick (not) any way...why I'm I talking about this? well...because sometimes...once again perhaps the product of a deluded mind, but sometimes...I feel like I am on the edge of something...wonderful. I don't know how to explain it.. and I'm not sure if anyone out there knows...but sometimes I feel like I could just close my eyes and leap into another...another LEVEL of being somehow just with the force of thought/will.

That feelings reminds me of titles that I am upset that other people have taken

On A Clear Day, I Can See Everything

The Amazing Oneness of Being

I can't describe it. It makes me pause and gasp and yearn to reach it...but I'm not even really sure what IT is....but it is part of Magick to me. Magick and Fey.


"Are we done yet?"

"Yes..almost..but we haven't talked about...."

"NO.. not today...perhaps later..perhaps on paper"

"Then what about...."

"No...that is for another place..."

"Then yes...I guess we are done"


J.