J said - On and on.....

It's aggravating being sleepy...and wanting to write at the same time. The desire to write twitches RIIIGHT under your skin...and yet the desire of your brain to slip into unconsiousness almost insures that whatever is written will be blurred at best...and at worst illogical and confusing. Ah well. I'm at work. I can't go to sleep. So I will write.
About what is the question? Well let's start with sex.

I have thought about/decided several things about myself. Thanks to observations from a few of my friends (and some relative strangers)...and some nice insightful reading... I have come to some conclusions. What they are?

1) I am comfortable...amazingly so...with my sexuality. I have no problem stating who and what I like...how I like it...why I like it, and what I would do to make it better. and I LOVE hearing (and finding out about) what others like...why they like it...what would make it better for them...and when they can teach me something new.

2) Yet along with this comfort...I'm ready to start restricting my...ahhh...adventures shall we say? Not that I will stop having casual sex...no because that would imply that I am trying to get serious with it(god/dess forbid) but rather I will... hmm explore more of the person before I dip into the pleasure palace. I have extended my list by a few so far...and *yawn* it hasn't been the surge of rockets and lights I hoped it would be.

3) At the SAME time...I want to explore MORE sexual/sensual areas...both of myself and others. I don't know...I feel like I am reaching towards something...that can be found through a deeper knowledge of how we (humans) react to...what can I call it? not sex.. but maybe pleasure. I'm not sure...maybe I am creeping towards hedonism in my old age.


Okay...*the mind has awoken and lightening fast demands that I WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE*


Another thing...that I have noticed within myself... another change shall we say? I am starting to think about finding/discovering/creating a...personal spiritual base for myself. While both Islam and Christianity still figure largely in my creepy dreams at night (the way that their current practioners ptactice..not the original religions)I want something to base myself in. I have started little rituals for myself...but.. I want to share them, or perhaps find a framework that will accpet me & them. I am once again considering looking into Wicca or one of the other goddess based religons...but my natural shyness *laughs* simply holds me back from really exploring these areas. It's strange that while in one moment I'm nearly in tears from hearing and/or singing certain gospel songs...yet the thought of going INTO a church gives the the heme-memes...I don't know...maybe I'll start to work through The Silver Broomstick again.


Is that all? *no no NOOOO screams my mind..write more write more....*


One of my not-so-close friends gave me an AMAZING sideways compliment one day not to long ago. She said that I write like a playwriter. At least when I'm IM'ing ( am I the only one who has noticed that what used to be a strictly AOL term has spread like the word Band-Aid to cover any instant internet communication? ) someone she said. I put in *grins* and *laughs* and *Actions* all the time. I write like I'm actually having a conversation. From the long drawn out *hmmmmmm's* that mean I'm 'listening' , please continue..to the *sly grins* and *evil smiles* that mean to anyone who knows me that I'm up to something scandalous in my mind. I think that it removes some of the cold distance that the net has...allowing me to feel like I'm actually COMMUNICATING with who ever I'm talking to. not chatting...not talking...but COMMUNICATING...listening and absorbing and replying as needed.

But what made this such a wonderful compliment is that I tend to have a problem writing dialouge. I can describe the HELL out of a scence...down to the wrinkles in the sheets and the faint smell of incense and chocolate that linger in the air...but making my characters SPEAK as if they are real 3D people has never been a strong point. but if I can communichat...then doggane it I can communiwrite.


*are we done yet?? NOPE.. must write more*


To be continued..... (I don't want anything to be lost)


J.