Delirium

I have issues. Not major ones, not ones that will ruin my life, but issues all the same. While I know that everyone, no matter their age, race or size has issues, because these issues are mine, they seem so much worse. What brings this up? Well…it often takes me going someplace new to realize just how odd I am. Perhaps it is the time ‘out of the box’ or maybe it is just the fact that HEY! Things really are seen in a new light, but leaving home always seems to bring out the despondent in me. I’m going to go through them one at a time…and maybe in the process of writing them down, I will be able to pull them out.

1) I think we all know that I have some serious size issues. I realized today that you simply cannot be fashionable, according to current trends, if you are anything over a 10, and then you are pushing it. *sighs * I swear, it drives me batty sometimes…okay alllll the damn time. The obvious solution is to lose weight (of course) but that is going to be the subject of a whole nother rant/bitch session.

2) I feel guilty when it comes to spending money. On this trip, I had money to burn. A healthy amount of money to burn in fact. And I just couldn’t spend it. I brought some makeup, and had to convince myself that there was really no need for me to take it back after wards. I want to get myself a nice piece of jewelry, a bracelet. Nothing too extravagant, nothing too over the top…and I just couldn’t get it. I saw some things that I might have wanted, but I didn’t actually look at them because I knew that I would feel dreadful about getting it. Unless it was under 20 bucks, I would feel really bad. I don’t want to be one of those people who because they have lived so long with so little, are almost unable to live on anything but a little. Is this the reason that I can’t seem to buckle down and buy some furniture? And since I don’t even know what a ‘good’ price is, or what real quality looks like… I am trying to go for the cheapest thing that looks good…and I still feel guilty about buying that.

3) I have no personal style. There is nothing really that means or that brings me to mind, even to myself. I make no statement in my life. I say nothing really. I feel like I live everyday in a life without meaning. What is my goal of living? Why do I continue to breathe on a daily basis? What…for what am I here and if I haven’t figured it out yet, will I ever figure it out? Yeah, I’m only 23, but…even so, my life should not be so damn empty.


4) I realize that some of my issues with Chef come from the fact that I feel like I am the target of some huge con game…like I have been targeted for some kind of total mind fuck that will take years to come to fruition. Yeah, maybe I am bringing the past to bear here, but the niggling feeling is still there, and I am just cautious as hell about it all. So far, he has shown me nothing but good…but… I don’t know…Ms. DAG (Doom and Gloom) has to raise her head occasionally otherwise it wouldn’t be my life right??

So, anyhow, I came to all of these epiphanies (remember that word from Boomerang?) while I was wandering around this huge mall, and I got deliriously depressed. I meant there is nothing that will bring you down faster than realizing you are a fat piece of worthless fluff with money and intimacy problems. *rolls eyes * Really… I can’t think of a single thing that could be any more cheerful than that, can you?

And no, so far writing them down hasn’t helped. I brought the laptop with me, so I am sitting in O’Hare (I always thought it was O’Hara…humph) typing away. Hmm…maybe I will invest in a laptop as the power supply on MY computer just got blown the hell out. *sighs * Anyway, writing it all down hasn’t made me feel the LEAST bit better. In fact, it has made me feel a little worse because of the simple fact that I have issues and I am not sure what to do about tem, or if they are even major enough to need something to be done about them. I have talked about finding a therapist before, just to have someone to talk to, but I don’t know if it will be worth the time effort and money. I mean really… therapy? For what? Isn’t the whole idea of therapy to FIX something that is wrong with you? If I just have emotional issues, but there is nothing really WRONG with me, shouldn’t I leave ‘my’ therapist to more worthy fucked-up people?? *laughs* My…isn’t that just the least bit self centered? *sighs* I swear… sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself.

Me and Chef had the most interesting conversation last night…don’t ask me what it was about now, because I really don’t remember (yeah, my mind is going too!) but I know we talked about some emotional issues and all that jazz. *smiles* I am supposed to see him tonight, but unless a wake up from the half somnolent state I am in now… the only thing I am going to be seeing is going to be the inside of my eyelids. Of course, I am tired as hell like this because I have been eating starches & sugars like that was all there was to eat, and I suffer from food coma in a heart beat, but do I stop eating it? Nope? What is wrong with me? Really? It’s like I have a self destruct switch in my head as the second it comes to something that I should not be doing (for my own bodily good) of that switch will flip and turn any common sense that I have right off. However, if I m getting into something that has the least bit of a potential for being emotionally damaging, I will run, fight, scream, lie and steal to get out of that situation. *shakes head* Maybe I need to have a heart attack or not be able to walk or have something seriously damaging happen to my body as things have happened to my heart in order for me to be able to utilize the same ‘burnt child’ switch.

I need a massage really really really bad. MY neck, back and upper shoulders are so tight it feels like I Have my shoulders hunched up around my ears when I really don’t. It’s rather painful and very irritating. And then, to make matters worse, it feels like I have air bubbles all inside of me..like inside of the layers of fat and muscle and stuff. Once again, a very nasty feeling. Yeech… andI have to go to work tommorow. Ah well… before I think of any OTHER horrid stuff that will put me even deeper in the dumps. I’m off. To be posted tommorrow… at my wonderful job.

Stay Jazzed.