Of Me

The OD is an exercise in patience and persistence on most days. I have promised myself that I will not bitch about this place, simply because it has been such an amazing ride for me, showing me more about myself and others that I would have ever been able to find out on my own. So, I will just take the adventures in reloads & refreshing that I have had to go through today to catch up on my favorites as just that, a reminder that patience is a virtue.

I left out a few of the realizations that I came to while I was in Oakbrook, mainly because I enjoy avoiding emotional issues ( hear the sarcasm there?) and because I have this twisted belief that if I don’t talk about something then maybe it will fade away. *rolls eyes* anyhow…. The emotional realization? I understand why I want to find that ONE and get engaged and get married and have the 2.4 kids and all that jazz. Why? Because all of that implies a kind of love, trust and devotion that I am yearning for. Longing has left the building, and she ain’t coming back. There is a certain level of permanence that sparkles in the diamonds of a wedding ring that I WANT. And I realized that just having the symbol of that permanence and that love doesn’t make a damn bit of difference if the permanence and love isn’t really there. It would just be play-acting, a hollow imitation of what I need to be real.

I can be so bust worrying about what IS going to happen that I can’t and don’t fully enjoy the beauty of what IS happening right this moment in my life. I am so concerned about paying off my bills that I am not fully enjoying the fact that I have a little loot to do what I will with. I am so concerned about finding someone to spend the rest of my life with that I am not fully enjoying what Chef & me have. *sighs* And sometimes, I get so concerned about being concerned that I end up in a total loop, chasing my own non-existent tail.

Yeah, I’m rambling on, and no I am most likely not making a damn bit of sense, but I need to get this out and even if it doesn’t make any sense later, it makes sense to me right now and for right now, right now is all that matters. Hmph.

I have been mulling over this whole ‘I want some jewelry badly and I want it NOW’ thing. I want something that has some meaning. All of the jewelry I wear right now has meaning except for my earrings. I wear the Truth ring that Tashi gave me on my left hand, my class ring on my right hand. I wear a watch on the left wrist, and Chef’s bead bracelet on my right (which is way too big….but ah well it’s the thought that counts). Around my neck I am wearing my auntie’s turquoise star, and in my ears I am wearing a plain and simple pair of silver hoops. Before I got the bracelet from Chef I was wearing my twist & cling bracelet, and that was working quite fine…but I was getting tired of it. And as ‘symbolic’ (of what I am not sure, and I don’t think I want to think about it right now) as his bracelet is, I want something more…me.

He gave it to me to wear when I went to Oakbrook, and when I tried to give it back to him he told me to keep it…and then asked me sarcastically whether he had to buy me something from Tiffany in order for me to wear it. *snorts* Nah…I want to buy MYSELF something from Tiffany before I even consider getting something from a man from there. Anyhow, what I considering getting was a silver bracelet with the name Jazzybelle on it. Which brings me to another realization that I got while I was in Oakbrook.

Jazzy is me, and I am jazzy, but at the same time I feel like she is a separate persona from me. I feel like Jazzy is the woman that I want to be, that she has reached a point that I can see but haven’t quite been able to touch, and I want to bring the two closer together. I know that if I get something like that, there are going to be mad questions about ‘who the hell this Jazzybelle person is’ and I am wondering how weird it would be to say it is my alter ego, my other me? *sighs*

Stay Jazzed