Restless

I know that it's just the fact that I'm sleepy (after 20something years of reading, you would think I would LEARN to NOT start reading a new book at 10:30 at night) and I'm bored - a most dreadly combination. I have work to do, yes, but it's the open-ended kind of thing - and because I'll be entering information into a database - exceptionally boring as well, no matter how much the iPod is rocking.
I tried to read through one of the newer yahoogroups of mine 'Pagan Permaculture' and HAH! *snorts* I swear, sometimes these groups should just admit that they are a gathering place of people who think that they are what the group says they are, but aren't actually doing it. Yes, those four fingers are pointed directly at me, but that's neither here nor there - I'm trying to learn. I whinged about the fact that it's dark by the time I get home alredy, right? I'm seriously considering trying to get up with C in the morning and come to work very early. I also think that's part of my restless - I need some sunlight on a daily basis. *twitches* Maybe I'll go and stand outside for a few minutes. Even the swimming - which I figured would help me with the whole 'I hate winter' thing by giving my SOME sort of activity - I think it's making me even more twitchy.

Ever get the feeling that the world is spinning out of control, and that you have to cling to a delicate balance just to make sure that you aren't flung off in one of it's wilder gyrations? Well, okay - I don't quite feel like that. In fact, I feel more like I'm looking at two worlds. One's the very internal, personal world of me and mine - those who are fremily. In that world, things are - normal - almost scarily so. There's love, and loss, and hope, and despair, and lots of joy. Then - there's the rest of them damn fools, and the rest of the world - and they are the ones who are gloriously tripping and spinning down the road to destruction - and who seem just as happy about it as a pig in mud. It seems like every time I look at some headlines I think 'The world is going to hell in a handbasket - seriously.' Maybe it's a darker, more pessimistic view - but - there is a disturbance in the Force - and - that's part of my twitchiness. I want to reach out and grab SOMETHING and change it in a way that affects more than just me and mine because so many more need the help - but it's all moving by so fast and so high that even if I could grasp it, I'd be more likely to lose my fingers than I would be to actually make some sort of change.

One of my dear friends swears up and down that I'm empathic, and that ability is what has bound together our little 'group' for years - the ability, to truly resonate with someone else's emotions. It's not that I don't agree with him, I just don't really think it's - a talent. It's simply skills of observation, and being open enough mentally to judge people as they present themselves, and not as I would want them to be. It's a talent of exploring honesty without judgement - but as a side effect, I tend to be either open or closed - there really is no 'middle' ground with me. And it doesn't have to be a two way street - I can be utterly open with someone who is closed off to me - and I can be closed to someone who is open - and those treasures of fremily are those with whom I'm open to, and they are open to me.
I think - I think where I was going with that is that I'm withdrawing from most things that are external to me because it makes me feel like I'm spinning downward, despite really standing still. Empathic vertigo - vertigo by association. And - I try to go around and find other people who recognize the fact that everything is spinning and THEY don't have to spin along with it.

BLEH!! I'm rambling long and hard here, trying to force out what I don't know how to say. I'm tired, that's all - and trying to wiggle past the bounds of my logic to get this - felling/vibe out. Gah! I need to buy some cheap clay - oooh. Playdoh - no! Plastine. Yes. That's what I need to get some of. Practice cheaply, create expensively.