Foolishness and Self Hate

AAAAARGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself.

Seriously, ya'll. I mean, damn. Cursed by GOD with nappy hair? Damn, I thought the whole tribe of Ham being cursed bit went out with slavery.

If some of the threads I've seen about natural black hair were written about natural black skin, the horror and shock over someone thinking that God has 'cursed' them with this skin that doesn't take henna and tattoos and for some reason doesn't show a tan as well and burns really slowly would be viewed as it really was - wanting something that YOU CAN'T HAVE. But because it's 'just' hair, it's okay.

*mutters and growls* If people spent as much time learning what their hair likes, what it can do and what it can't do as they did whinging about it not being like somebody ELSES hair, you might have hair you loved more.

Cursed? Just tooooo through. Cursed by GOD none the less - right after he gave Eve painful childbirth, he gave black folx nappy hair.

*shakes head*

Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself.

That worked EVER so much better.

So - I fell asleep in the DC last night (no big suprise there, eh?) and didn't rinse it out til this morning. I then combed out my hair with some Humectress and CA, then put some WP in my hair and parted it into about 20 big twists. I then greased my scalp with the LR, and I let that dry, then untwisted them, combed it out one last time, and put in the flat twists.

Can I say!! I don't know if it was the prompt application of WP, or if the DC really DID make a difference - but my hair was soft and smooth and strong - VERY nice, really. I desparately wanted to trim my ends - snip snip snip - but I was strong, and I left them alone. I'm REALLY looking forward to getting all the red out now - it just feels so close. I'm thinking - listen to me - thinking about actually putting off my henna next week, and doing another deep conditioner. My hair really DID seem to enjoy the treatment. I need to take a picture of my twists in the back - they are so fat and lovely and shiny. I'm DEFINITELY pleased with this one - it's not the roundbun of the first one - but it's lovely.

I will DEFINITELY be doing my style of the week on dry hair from now on - the difference in the quality of the twists (and the neatness of the parts!) is obvious.
My hair is tied up in it's doorag now, and it just feels - lucious under there. I'm verry happy with my hair tonight. I sprayed it lightly with GJ before tying it up for the night - I figure that way, I'm starting my hair off on an even keel - LR and moisture. Tomorrow is more moisture - but that's what my hair needs. My hair has NEVER been 'mushy' as some women say their hair gets when over moisturized - I would LOVE to have 'mushy' hair, as that would indicate that my hair wasn't actually thirsty anymore.

Actually, next weekend is going to be a busy weekend. We are supposed to be getting our mattress delivered, and I'm going to an Imbolc ritual, both on Saturday. Hmm. I think that the rit is from 3-5 on Saturday, so..... maybe I'll DC my hair when I come home Saturday evening, and then take it out and do it on Sunday like I did this weekend. Hmm... that means definitely no henna - I COULD leave the house henna headed - but nah. And I really don't feel like leaving my hair out.

Bah. I'll figure something out.

Products

What is a "Conditioner"?
The term "conditioner" is vague. Conditioners fall into different groups according to what you want to accomplish with your hair. People with thin hair need a specific kind of "conditioner", people with thick, dry hair need another...
Conditioners fall into six major catagories:
Moisturizers
Reconstructors
Acidifiers
Detanglers
Thermal Protectors
Glossers
Oils (E.F.A.'s- essential fatty acids)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Moisturizers
Are concentrated with humectants. Humectants are compounds that attract and hold moisture into the hair. They may not necessarily contain botanicals or protein (they often do).

Recommendations:
Janol® VitaMoist Conditioner
Paul Mitchell® Super Charged Moisturizer (The Best)
Pativa® Moisture Rinse
L'anza® Moisture Treatment

Reconstructors
Normally contain protein. Hydrolized human hair keratin protein is the best source, because it contains all 19 amino acids found in the hair. Human hair keratin protein has a low molecular weight. This enables the it to penetrate the hairshaft (the cortex). The main purpose of a reconstructor is to strenghten the hair.

Recommendations:
Paul Mitchell® Hair Repair
Paul Mitchell® Hair Masque (esp. for color treated hair)
L'anza® Power Treatment
L'anza® Keratin Booster (salon only product)
L'anza® Reconstructor
Pativa® Hair Masque

Acidifiers
The key word here is "acid". Yes, is is good to put acid on your hair. When a product carries a pH of 2.5 to 3.5 it is normlly termed an acidifier. This pH will close (compact) the cuticle layer of the hair. The result is shiney, bouncey hair. This pH range will adjust the beta bonds to alpha bonds (hydrogen bonds). Acidifiers do not weigh the hair. They do create shine, and add elasticity.

Recommendations:
Paul Mitchell® Finishing Rinse (Great for fine hair)
Paul Mitchell® The Detangler
Paul Mitchell® Seal and Shine ( a thermal protector too)
L'anza® Chemical Balancer (professional product)(Great)
L'anza® Detangler

Detanglers
Most detanglers are acidifiers (see above). Most have low pH's 2.5 to 3.5. They close the cuticle of the hair which cause tangles. Some "shield" the hairshaft with polymers (polymers are strings of "like" molecules- a chain). Some detanglers are instant, some take 1-5 minutes to work.

Recommendations:
Janol® No rinse Leave-in Conditioner
Paul Mitchell® The Detangler (instant detangler)
Paul Mitchell® Lite Detangler (great for fine hair)
Paul Mitchell® Creatives Finishing Rinse
L'anza® Detangler

Thermal Protectors
Thermal protectors safeguard the hair against heat. Using thermal protectors are one of the best things you can do to your hair if you blow dry, use curling irons, or hot rollers. They normally use heat absorbing polymers that distribute the heat, so your hair does not get heat damage (a major cause of hair damage)

Recommendations:
Paul Mitchell® Seal and Shine (the best sold anywhere)

Glossers
For the most part glossers are cosmetic. Most Glossers contain dimethicone or cyclomethicone ( very light oils derved from silicone). Used in small amounts they reflect light. Also, they are one of the bestproducts to control the "frizzies."

Recommendations:
Janol® Super Radiance
Paul Mitchell® Gloss
L'anza® Design Shine
Pativa® Shiner

Oils (E.F.A.'s)
If you have dry hair (esp. if you have chemicals on your hair{color-perm-relaxer}you need to add oil to your hair. The scalp produces a natural oil called sebum. EFA's are the closest thing to natural sebum (sebum contain EFA'S). EFA's can take very dry and porus hair and transform it into soft pliable hair.

Recommendations:
L'anza® Hair Polish
Paul Mitchell® Foaming Pommade


I don't know how good the recommedations are - they seemed to have a serious LOVE for Paul Mitchell....

But anyhow, here's the link....

So - there's been a thread on one of the other boards talking about the difference between regular conditioners, and DEEP conditioners. According to them, you can't use a reg. condish as a deep one - there is a difference in how it 'penetrates' the hair.
I was skeptical - I must admit - because I was thinking that it was jsut another way for the hair companies to get women to spend MORE money on 'extra' products. But - at the same time, I wondered.

I haven't used a 'real' DC in ages - largely because all of the ones I'd used before I started the HairThang, had cones, mineral oil, or petroleum in them - and I've decided to stop using all of those ingredients - but after reading that thread - I figured - hey! Why not? I haven't tried any new products in a while.

So, last night I swung by Sally's on my way home from work, and I spent about an HOUR in there. I read EVERY SINGLE label for EVERY item in that store that said 'deep conditioner' on the front, and on the back said that it should be used for 5-15 minutes.
Each. And. EVERY. One had either cones, petroleum OR mineral oil in it - ALL of them - except for one. It's called Silk Elements Revive & Restore Reconditioning Masque. It has a lot of yummy sounding herbal extracts and oils in it, and it's VERY rich and creamy.
I mixed some baking soda in water, some of the SERRRM and some honey, and then climbed in the shower to get my hair wet.

Now - I need to remember what I did this week - I used GJ and water on Monday, LR on Tuesday, GJ & HWater on Wednesday, LR on Thursday, took my hair out and played in it (scalp massage, finger combing) Friday.
The reason I wrote all that down is because when I got in the shower, and the water hit my hair - it turned into someone elses hair! It was thick and smooth and curly and soft and had almost NO tangles. I wonder if it was the HWater - that's about the only thing I did differently. I brought three misting bottles from Sally's as well - one I'm going to put rose water in, one I'm going to put HWater in, and I don't know what I'll do with the extra one - maybe honey-water?
Anyhow - I got my hair nice and soaking wet with HOT water (oh, the decandance! It's the only time I let hot water touch my hair - I WANT to lift up my cuticles now so that the conditioner can really soak in) and just rubbed and stroked and palyed with it - pretty pretty hair.

I got out the shower, put the SERRRM+ mix in my hair (very rich and creamy and felt like it was soaking in) then a shower cap, then my doorag, and on top of that - I put a wool hat.

I've realized that my hair LIKES humidity and heat. So - I've been putting a wool hat on top of my wet treatments lately, to encourage and hold onto my natural scalp heat. Besides, it feels lovely.

So, I'm sitting here now with that in my head. I plan on rinsing it out before I go to bed tonight, and putting my hair into several twists with some Whipped Pudding, so that it can dry straight - I can't do the fuzzy hair bit. Then, I'll put in some flat twists tomorrow....Hmmm, and I think I'll do some LR tomorrow too - that would still work, as Monday is a moisture day.

Hrm. I think I'm going to trim my hair again sometime in March. I'm thinking about MAYBE putting in yarn twists then too - I will most likely only have an inch or two of red hair left.... but maybe I'll wait til May, when I actually cut it all off. Hrm hrm hrmmmm... I don't know. I'll have ta think about it.

Oh! Okay - that is what I was going to do - I want to be sure to hold onto this information.....

See?? When I'm not constantly toying with my hair, I'm quuuuiet. I've been hanging out on a crunchy mama board, and that's been loads of fun.

My SHT FINALLLY got her box - I was so hoping that it would show up EVENTUALLY - there was no WAY I was going to be able to refind the stuff I had gotten for her, and I felt horrid that she might think I hadn't ever sent the box - but yay! She got it - and I think she likes everything!

Hair!

Still doing LR twice a week - no change there. I changed up my moisturizing spray last night, as my hair was feeling unusually dry - instead of spraying with plan water, then GJ, I mixed the last of my sample sized bottle of Humectress with plain water, and sprayed my hair with that, THEN sprayed the GJ on top of it - shower cap, scarf - and then, since my head was cool, I put a wool hat on top - *delighted sigh* It was like a head sauna - I'm SERIOUSLY going to do that everytime from now on.... I need to get another hat that's just for my hair, as I think that I might start rocking a hat on top of my hair tonics all the time - it will keep my head warmer, and moister, and I KNOW my hair grows faster in the summer in the south - and I really do think it's all that lovely humidity - so, yeah. Hmmm. I wish I had thought of this earlier yesterday - the thrift store was having a 50% off sale... or.... oooh! I could knit myself a hat! How much would that rock? *sigh* I've got loads of yarn, and I've got needles - all I need is to find a nice pattern....

I was busier than a cat with three tails in a room fulla rocking chairs over the weekend, so I didn't get a chance to 'get into' my hair til Saturday - which meant that as soon as I rinsed the Coconut/Lime/Honey mix out of my head on Sunday, I had to do my hair. I opted to do my hair wet, instead of letting it dry into twists and then do it....and I don't think I'll be doing that again. It wasn't that is ws HARDER - it's just that my hair has been VERY fuzzy all week, and random 'bunches' of hair missed getting into the twists, because they were still all shrunk up against my head. True, it was much easier to comb and part, but - sheesh! The fuzz man, the fuzz!

I was telling a friend of mine how unreasonably guilty I feel sometimes over the fact that I tend to kick it more with non-black folx than I do with black folx - and the comment was spurred by the whole hair board thing. I - I have a really hard time going to NP anymore - largely because I'm SOOO over the 'hair as an expression of my blackness' bit. I really don't CARE if I don't get holla'd at because I have natural hair. I could give a fat fig leaf about 'calling out' folx who post on OTHER boards about how 'ugly' some stars natural hair is. I really don't CARE about your best freinds cousins half brothers baby mama calling you a nappyheaded ho. I KNOW that my wanting longer hair isn't an aspect of me buying into 'eurocentric' beauty standards, and personally, I'm sick and tired of trying to convince women that just cuz your hair doesn't SEEM to get any longer, the ish is still GROWING and YOU are breaking it off. I just don't care about all the socio/eco/intrapolitical bullshit black folx seem to have, encourage, and nourish around HAIR. I DON'T CARE. It's not my thing, it's not my issue, and I don't have the time, energy, or desire to sift through 20 threads on THAT sort of stuff to find the ONE or TWO threads that are actually about HAIR itself rather than other peoples PERCEPTIONS of hair.

I care about growing my hair - making it stronger, LONGER, prettier and healthier. I care about trying new products that assist in those goals. I care about learning new styles, new ways to do my hair, and admiring those who have reached goals I can only hope for. And sadly enough, I'm not getting that from my natural 'sistas', so I kick it with the permed/pressed/natural sistas and the white girls.

Whoa. I didn't know I had that rant in me. Hm.

SOooooo - this weekend! Our mattress is getting delivered, I REALLY need to spackle and prime the kitchen, and I'm going to do a clarifiying treatment. Okay. You know, I'm seriously thinking bout clarifying on Friday night, and henna'ing on Saturday - but I'mma be good, and just clarify this weekend. My hair really does get upset with me when I henna more frequently than needed, so there's no need to rush.

I ordered Hair Souffle from the same lady who makes the LR - and I jsut don't really like it. It smells - chemical, and it's REALLY thick, and it's definitely a creme - so it doesn't melt into my hair. I don't know if I've used it on dry hair (I can't remember) so maybe I will try that - and use less of it, just in case I don't like it cuz I'm over using it. If I still don't like it, it might be going up for a swap....

Kids are just little people.....

Okay - some thoughts bout children and parenting and XYZ have been floating through my head for a while, and I want to write about them.... just my version of thinking outloud that I can preserve for myself.

I've always thought that kids were little people - heck, I call them little people half the time. It's - it's really a rather interesting way to look at kids - to really understand and - respect - really, their feelings/attitudes/viewpoints. I remember a while ago - most likely when I was with C's family for one reason or another, feeling so sad at how the kids were just - dismissed. Their feelings about a matter didn't seem to matter - it was like - you're short, so shuddup.  And most of the time - it was about things that really, in the whole scope of things, didn't really matter. But - it's faster and easier and simpler to just ignore someone than it is to 'lower' yourself - physically and emotionally - to look at things from their point of view. And that applies to little people and big people - when you don't understand someone else, it's much easier to just dismiss them, and say that they must be wrong, and really, it doesn't matter, than it is to work with them and to learn and understand and respect them.

 I've always known that all children do for the first few years of their life is learn how to be human - how to be people, basically. And that a huge part of parenting is being sure that you are teaching your kids the right things - by example, and by action. Each reaction to your child teaches them something, and I've realized that you really have to THINK about the implications of what you do - think that you don't know anything, and examine what YOU would learn from what you are about to do with/to/for your child. Kids are notoriously observant, and they pick up on things that some adults would never even notice.

I've been hanging around on crunchy parenting boards - and there is a very strong no-spanking attitude there - and spanking has always been the one parenting option that I have always been half and half on. Half because I was spanked, and honestly, I took it as a joke most of the time - a 'symbol' of punishment, that in the long run, meant jackall to me, besides giving me encouragement to insure that I didn't get caught. Half because - well, the whole teaching thing. Spanking is teaching your kids that it's okay to hit someone who is smaller than you, and who isn't doing what you want them to do.....and thinking of them as the perfect learners, and as little people - well, I've shifted almost totally onto the not-spanking side of the track.
I mean - how would I react if each time I did something that C didn't like, he hauled off and slapped my hand, or took a belt/strap and gave me a few licks? I would fight back like hell, is what I would do - and it certainly wouldn't improve our marriage, and it certainly wouldn't make me WANT to do whatever it was he wanted me to do in the first place. 
I don't hit my cat when he does something wrong - what's the point of hitting him? He's not going to associate what he DID with getting hit - he's just going to cringe each time I try to rub him.
I don't want my kids to think that fighting is a wise option - I want them to consider physical violence against others as an option of not only LAST resort, but also of severe duress - how will including spanking as punishment show them that physical violence is the last resort - and is only done in severe duress?  How will I teach them that it is unacceptable to hit their siblings and friends - when I, the person who is supposed to love them most - hits them 'because I love them'??
And then, there's the fact that spankings eeriely remind me (and almost always have - esp. when called 'whoopings') of slaves being beat on the plantation.  I firmly believe that the slave experience has warped every generation of AfAms in America is ways we are (and most likely always WILL be) blind to, and beating my child because they did something that I don't approve of - well. It doesn't sound right - it sounds like an option to either beat the spirit out of them, and encourage fear and avoidance of authority - or an encouragement to lie, and conceal, and be sneaky, and be withdrawn.
It's - uncomfortable - thinking back on how white men and women did the same thing to my ancestors because they viewed them as little more than animals.
You don't beat horses or dogs or dolphins or whales or elephants or tigers or lions or bears to teach them discipline and how to follow instructions - and I'm starting to feel that using spanking as discipline is basically saying that a human child is less intelligent than those animals, and unable to learn what is and is not acceptable and expected without physical pain....

But at the same time - even with all that logic - I have no CLUE of how to actually disipline children without it! It's an on-going joke in black culture about how 'bad' most little white kids are because they don't get whoopings. The concept of a 'time-out' is considered a weak parenting resort - a way to turn your child into a little brat who throws tantrums and cusses at their parents and grows up to shoot up schools and start illegal wars.

Just a little tap on the behind will teach them - teach them what? That I can hurt them if they don't do what I want? Who wants to teach their kids that? Who wants to encourage their children to be little sadists in that pain will provide them control over other people? I would rather my child burn their hand on the stove, than me to spank them for trying to touch it - at least that way they will clearly understand the real danger -  that momma was trying to protect me from something that hurts - rather than momma hurting me because I was doing something she doesn't want me to do.

*sigh*

It's REALLY hard, even thinking about this, and that troubles me SO much. Because - logically, I mean - come on! It makes perfect sense to NOT hit your kids. I mean - I'm going to do all that I can to protect them from pain everywhere ELSE in the world - and then I'm going to inflict pain on them to protect them from pain? *sigh* It's - stupid. It's - really, really stupid, actually - thinking about it logically.

And it's enourmously sad that I - and I think a lot of parents - simply don't KNOW any other way. I mean - really. If spanking wasn't considered so - so - okay - then people would work and look for other avenues to teach and to disipline their kids and it might make a difference. *sigh*

People always talk about how much 'badder' kids have gotten since they stopped doing corporal punishment in schools - but I think about what else has changed since then. How about the disintergration of the community and the extended family? How about all the crap we are pumping into the air and the food and the water? How about the violence that is shown and glorified on every channel of the TV - sometimes in such subtle ways that you don't even RELIZE there is violence occuring? How about the lack of attention most kids get from people who love them? How about the fact that kids don't play outside nearly as much anymore? I mean - shit, so much has changed in how kids are raised from then to now - how can any honest person point to corporal punishment and say - that's what the problem is?

*sigh* I'm really glad that I started thinking of this NOW - because it really is a mental shift. It's a mindchange to think of spanking as abuse - and interestingly enough, I think of it more as emotional abuse than physical. It's a real shift - even for me, who always thought of kids as little people - to realize that ya know what? I really SHOULD treat them the same way I want to be treated - and that if it's inhumane to beat a lion to train them - it's even more inhumane to beat a child.

It kinda scares me, and saddens me just how hard this is to process...and how I have to keep telling myself - I wouldn't hit a friend who was doing something I didn't like, I wouldn't hit my husband for doing something I didn't like, I wouldn't hit my boss for doing something that I didn't like, I wouldn't hit my cat for doing something I didn't like - why on the birght green Earth would I hit my child - who, besides the cat, understands the LEAST about what is expected of a little person?

It's really amazing - out of everything that I want to do around childrearing - this is the most radical.

ETA: And can I tell you how intensely uncomfy and scared and wondering it makes me that every time I talk/think/ponder spanking, my ass starts to tingle? And no, it's not even vaguely sexual or in a good way.... it's just - odd. It feels like a physical memory, and that bothers me deeply - esp. considering how nonchalant I feel about having been spanked.  

Thoughts on a cloudy Sunday

So.... I've been awake for far too long - esp. on a Sunday.

It's been a busy weekend. On Friday, me & the Boy went to Sears and finally - FINALLY - got a king sized matteress!! So - next weekend, we will actually (and finally) have our bedroom set all put together. We actually kinda went on a wee shopping spree, as we also stopped at the BedBath& Beyond at Wolfchase (only because they had the huge ass 'Clearance Sale' sign on the front of the store) and scored 3 king-sized duvet sets for 25 bucks each - 300 count thread, 100% cotton. SCORE. I mean - SCOOOORRRREEE!!! Dude - I love saving money. 

We also went to Barnes & Noble, and had a good lil bit of fun there - I married a man who loves books ALMOST as much as I do - it was funny watching us negotiate how much we would spend on books - we ended up more or less walking out with all the books that we wanted, but we were happy. We RARELY (like, maybe twice a year) buy brand new books. I buy books from the Thrift on a regular - but actually going into a store and picking up a book that came out in the last year or so? Such a treat - *grins* we were downright GIDDY. 

URm. So - Saturday. I went back to Sears to get 10% off of our mattress with a coupon from Sears that showed up late in our mailbox - and then I went downstairs to look at the Jewelry. 
C  got me this LOVELY set for my birthday, but the chain broke (fine ass chain - worthless shit). And - I cant' really express how I feel about this jewelry. It's silly, and I feel like it's kinda stupid, and VERY girly - but - I'm proud of it. I'm honored by it. I feel like it's love incapsulated into something I can slip into my ears and dangle around my neck. It's a talisman of love - protecting me and walking with me everywhere. It's odd for me, because I've NEVER felt like this about jewelry - even my wedding set doesn't inspire these sort of feelings... maybe it's the newness of the set? Maybe it's the fact that I don't HAVE to wear it - I mean, technically, I don't HAVE to wear my wedding set, and when I'm NOT wearing it I feel odd and naked, but this new jewelry has major feelings behind it. And hey- maybe it's the fact that it was my 30th birthday gift - I don't know. 
ANYHOW - I broke the chain (it was fine and cheap anyhow) and I felt- odd not wearing the whole set. So, I wanted a new, stronger chain, and when I went down to Sears jewelry counter - well, they were having 60% off slae on Jewelry - there was no way I could resist. So, the money I saved with the 10% off coupon on the mattress was instantly spent on the jewelry...

Then, I went to Hancock fabrics and got the fabric to recover our new headboard - it's some funky microfiber fabric now, and we KNOW (knowing us) that we will mess that up, so we are (I am) recovering it in pleather.... and so the bed hasn't been put together because  - well, recovering the headboard is MUCH easier when the bed isn't put together. I need to do that today, actually. Then, I went to BigLots, and saw the island that we want for the kitchen.... then came home and ate, then went grocery shopping. 

Not sure why I wrote all that out. It was a busy Saturday - but not nearly as bus as it COULD have been - and I suppose if I was keeping up with stuff, it wouldn't have been as busy (cleaning the kitchen took THREE fucking hours.... there were dishes in there from NEW YEARS EVE - and yes, that's totally on both of us, dirty slobs that we are) - but the weekends usually seem all too short - not enough time to relax after work, AND do all the work that is needed around the house. Am I just a lazy woman, or - *sigh* well, I'm sure there are some super women who work 80 hours a week, maintain a fully organic house and garden, and sew all their own designer clothes. Bitches.

Sunday is shaping up to be much more peaceful - all I wantto get done today is to cover the headboard, and spackle the holes in the kitchen walls. That's not much.

Getting my ass offline would help.

 

Sooooooooooooooooo Sleeeeeppppppppppppppppy.

Okay. Last time I henna'd was the 23rd (or so) so that makes this week - four. Yeah. Okay, not that it matters, as I'm going to do a coconut milk & lime soak on my hair this weekend, next weekend I'm doing a clarifying, and the weekend after THAT I'm doing a henna - which would be what? Week 6? Good enough fer me.

Let's see - as of late, I haven't been changing much of anything up. Using cheapie conditioner + honey for my DC's - and I've been putting Humectress directly on my ends, THEN putting the conditioner/honey mixture on my whole head - I think that is helping my ends retain more moisture. I'm also consiously leaving it on for as long as I can stand - after doing all the reading about honey being a natural source of peroxide, I want to see if I can lighten my hair up gradually and naturally, and continue hennaing, so that it'll get redder and redder. Of course, the honey could be lifting the henna right back out - but we'll see what it looks like this summer.

I'm doing the Lenzi's Request twice a week, and the overnight moisture three times a week. My hair style is staying quite nice all week long - having my hair 'put' up all week really makes the weekends/hair time more fun - I'm looking forward to it. The only thing is, the day after I do the overnight moisture bath, my scalp ITCHES to high heaven. I'm trying to tell myself it's growing hair, because my scalp doesn't LOOK dry and when I scratch, I don't get any flakies....maybe there is something in the Greg Juice that my scalp doesn't FULLY agree with? Hrm, hrm, hrm. I'm going to use up the GJ, and then will most likely do a mix of honey, humectress, a wee bit of rosemary or tea tree oil and distilled water. Hm. Luckily, I have TINY spray bottle, so I shouldn't have to worry about it going 'off'. Thankfully, the day after I do the moisture soak, I do the Lenzi's, and man - that stuff is the BEST on my scalp - so soothing, so tingly, so delightful.

Oooh - I'm going through my Flickr, and I thought that these two growth comparison pictures would be cool.

This is from August:


and this is from November:


I had cut my hair at LEAST twice between the two pictures - but - the interesting thing is that my hair looks about the same length - it's just that the ratio between virgin/dyed hair is shifting in favor of the virgin stuff. I want to wait until May (which would be a full year from when I took out my locs and dyed my hair) to cut the last of the dye out....and I'm also going to actually measure again - just to give me an idea of how many inches I get in a year. It's going to be a real adjustment, going back to my natural color. It's - it's an okay color. I mean, it's dark brown - darker than my skin and my eyes, with distinct reddish tinges (naturally - I'm lookign forward to summer + honey + henna), and it's shiny and shimmery - but - it's - plain. That's it - it's just - Merh. Maybe that's why I'm looking forward to getting grays so much - at least then, I'll have some natural highlights!

Another interesting thing I noticed in looking at the two sets of pictures - my 'fat face' shape has changed.

Super Round, Old Fat Face


Longer, Newer Fat Face


Skinny Face (jsut for comparison)


I still have the chipmunk cheeks of Chipmunkia - but that's just mah cheekbones - even in the skinny face, they show up - but whats up with the difference shape of my face? I'm almost certian I'm about the same weight in both of those pictures - maybe while loosing weight and regaining it, I regained it in different places? *looks at size of ass* Well, yes, that might be possible. *LOL* It's also funny seeing my different skin tones - the first one is makeup, the second one is winter skin, and the last one is summer skin. How I love my summer skin. How I love the sun.


In general hair-styling news - I'm sticking to the flat twist style, though, would you believe, I haven't pulled off one QUITE as good as that first one yet? *sigh* I think I'm over thinking it - or the cut took off just enough hair to make it 'different'. I know it took off enough that I can't pull off the 'rose' anymore in the back. I've been two strand twisting the back and 'tucking' it - kinda like a Gibson, I think? but a tiny, tiny, tiny Gibson. Even as I fuss about the fact that I can't make the rose anymore, I'm enjoying what I CAN do with the hair - because I know that as it gets longer, I'm going to have to relearn what does and doesn't work.

I really wish I kept a hair journal before I started locing - back when my hair was loose and natural before. All I really remember is loving Patene, and taking an entire weekend to untwist, detangle, clean, and retwist my hair - and I REALLY don't think it was all that long. I can't imagine what I was doing - either my hair has thinned - a LOT - or I was making twists the size of coffee stirrers, or I was just insane. I have some old pictures of my twists, but because of shrinkage, I have no CLUE how long my hair ACTUALLY was. Ah Well.

Argh. Argh. Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhha!

Had a fraJABulous birthday, if I do say so myself. I'm not big on the YUUGGGEE celebrations - a queit night at home, with hubby, and music, and the gifts of the sparkly (matching sapphire and diamond earrings and necklace - LOVELY) , is really all a gal needs. See - I'm acting like an old married lady all READY....

The immeadiate aftermath of the day of Birth - not QUITE so much fun. So, right? I'm the money person in the house - C actually DOES hand over his checks to me, and we like it. Anyhow, being with the whole shared account & online banking & me hopelessly nosy bit, I told C that I would stay out of our account for 10 days - from the 3rd to the 13th, to give him a chance to get (and SUPRISE) me with a gift.
Now. He had mentioned, idly, earlier in the week, that we were scraping the bottom of the barrell, moneywise, and he had transferred some money. I figured his paycheck just hadn't cleared yet, and thought nothing more of it.
Sunday though (the day after me b-day) I was chomping at the bit to go and take a peek at the account.....and we are almost at zero - again. Huh?

So - I start reviewing entries, and I'm reading, and I'm getting upset/excited/puzzled. Cuz see, either C had gone ALL out for my Bday, and only the jewelry had gotten here, or C had lost his everloving mind and went on a shopping spree, or someone was hacking our account. 

"Love - did you get me anything else for my birthday?" 

"No babe....." 

" Darling, have you been paying other peoples phone bills and shopping at buy.com and setting up singles profiles for yourself??"

"Uh - no, babe....why?"

AIUAPIUWS!!!!???ODHU!)&#)*&#(ITOUER*&)W#*ODHEJSH!!!!!!!!!HKJDHF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IUEDIORU! (that would be me, freaking the fuck out over the fact that someone had siphoned 1200.00 out of our account, and it was Sunday, and the next day was a holiday and the BANKS. WERE. CLOSED.)

So, between Saturday Night, and the time I woke up this morning (6:00am, as a certain human entity other than myself decided that he NEEDED to be at work at 6:30) and got back home, and sat down in front of the PC - they had CONTINUED their spending spree, and at this point, were up to SEVENTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. (this is me, pissing myself!) Mind you - the thing is - we almost NEVER have that much money in the account. The only reason we HAD that much is because we just paid off those bills, and C had just gotten paid.

So, I spent the majority of today either online with the bank, on the phone with the bank, or physically IN the freaking bank signing affidavits, repeating my social security number for the UMPTEENTH time, and slowly convincing these people that no matter WHAT their little PC screen said, there was no way in HELL someone used my PIN to make a bill payment to AT&T - I even talked to AT&T and CONFIRMED that they don't need a PIN in order to pay a bill.

The bank guy thinks that there is still MORE stuff waiting to be posted to our account (there are a LOT of entries for 1.00 - which means that the ACTUAL cost of whatever the bleepbleepingtyblip they brought hasn't come through yet) but, as my card is now 'Hot' (and cut into wee pieces) they should catch it before it runs through the little bit of money left in our account, and starts causing bouncing and overdrafts and other horrors that I would rather not consider. 

The REALLY creepy part? I still have my card. I didn't LOSE my card. I didn't LEAVE my card someplace (I'm fucking anal about that damn card.) I rarely use it online. So. What is REALLY freaking me out is that - some business - some LOCAL business - that I patronize, and give my money too, STOLE A COPY OF MY DEBIT CARD. And the REALLY messed up part is - I'm almost certain I know WHAT store - as they would have had a chance to not only get a copy of my credit card, they ALSO would have my home address (for delivery) which is my billing address. That - that is the part that REALLY pisses me off. And it was funny, because this store - I made a large purchase - a piece of furniture. And while I was there - paying - I saw a woman come up and buy a roughly 700 dollar set - with cash. And I though - Hmm.. I wonder what would make me pay cash for something that big - I wouldn't want to carry THAT much cash on me, ya know? I always said that it was running more of a risk to give your credit card to your waitress than it was to steal a number online - humph. I guess I was right. 

And I'm still - steaming. Hot. HOT. I know I'm not liable for any of it - but STILL. I'm crazy bout mah money. I swear - if I knew - for sure - it would be ON.       

I'm a Big Girl Now!!

Somehow, that's really what it feels like - like I am officially, no questions about it, a grown ass woman. 

Well see, I've (personally) thought that I was a grown ass woman for a while, because well, ya know - I've always been mature for my age. But somehow, I was still too young. Anytime someone asked me how old I was, and I opened my mouth and said 'Twenty....' you could almost see the slight dismissal of 'Oh, she's still just a baby' written in the smile that followed the '-seven'. 

But now, when I'm asked how old I am - I'll be able to start with 'Thirty.' - and really, no matter what number follows that 30, it counts me as grown.  I haven't been this excited about a birthday since I turned 21 - and think! I have this to look forward to every ten years!    

I've got no plans for today. I'm doing the final pre-birth meeting with my doula client today. I think I'm going to rearrange the living room this afternoon. I have no clue what my husband got me, and I'm quvieringly excited to see - as this is the first time I haven't really - SPECIFIED - what I want. I can either be amazingly delighted or delightfully disappointed - we shall see.

The DITL was supposed to be yesterday - but I think I'll do today. Just because.

I'm 30, ya'll. *giddy grins* That feels wonderful to say.

Hackers suck, and that's all I have to say about that!

In the wonderful world of hair, I've come up with yet ANOTHER schedule for myself. I'm a very scheduled person - I like knowing what I'm supposed to be doing and when, rather than just floating all about randomly. anyhow.

Week 1 - Henna
Week 2 - Standard DC
Week 3 - Coconut Lime Soak
Week 4 - Clarifying DC
Week 1 - Henna

And so on, and so forth. That way, I'm changing up enough to not get bored, but I'm spreading things out enough that I shouldn't go overboard on any one particular thing. During the week, I'm working on only combing/doing my hair ONCE a week - not only for the convienence of it, but also so that I'm only manipulating my hair once a week. I've realized/learned that really - the less I do to my hair, the better. But, at the same time, I HAVE to moisturize my hair during the week, and I want to use some of the topical treatments that I've gotten my hands on. So far- this is what I've been doing.... on Tues/Thursday, I use Lenzi's Request on my hairline, and grease as much of my scalp as I can between my flattwists. Mon/Wed/ and Fri (assuming that I'm not doing a treatment to my hair friday night - usually means I've got somethng to do on Saturday) I spray my hair down liberally with Greg Juice (I finally found a use for it!) slap on a shower cap, and sleep in that - keeping the moisture in my hair so it really has a chance to soak in. Then Sat/Sun, I do the elaborate stuff to my hair, and redo my style.

Did I mention previously how much FNWL's henna rocked? I think I did, because I was commenting on the rapid and intense dye release onto my hands (which are finally henna free) - I need to order some more.....

One of these weekends - who knows when - I'm going to whip up a few more recipes.... I'm thinking about sliding a different topical treatment in on Wednesday, but I'm not sure...I might make it, and use it on my scalp after I do my weekely treatments.... hm hm hm..... not sure, not sure.

Interviewed & Answered

Okay - so, I'm going to answer the interview questions that the lovely Mayor Of Nerdville provided for me....

1. What do you usually eat for breakfast? Breakfast? What is this thing you call breakfast?? Okay, okay. Normally, when I'm eating crappy and screwing up my metabolism and so forth, I don't eat breakfast. I eat lunch (because my stomach is threatening  to revolt) and I will eat something around a time that could be called dinner. When I'm being a good, loving owner of the only body I'll ever have, I usually have a big ass bowl of oatmeal. 

    
2. Who is your favorite relative, and why? No doubt, no question - my mom. Largely because she's the only SANE relative that I have - the only one that I can depend on, the only one who isn't flaky as all get out, the only one who actually knows how to USE HER BRAIN. Me love mommy.

3. If you could sit down and interview any one person, dead or alive, famous or not, who would it be and why?  Hm. I don't know - I'm sadly enough, not a big history buff - and most of the history that i'm interested in, was caused by a collective of people, not single screwups (or strokes of brilliance). Hey! I want to interview Nicholas Tesla (though, if I remember his quirks right, he wouldn't let me within 20 ft of him, as he was rather frightened of women). I think that he was one of the most brilliant, and definitely most underrated scientists (or magicians, depending on who you ask)  and dude - I would love to be able to get some of his devices to work - and I have no doubt that some of them did.

Well! That was fun (but shorter than I thought it would be). And it's only 10am. And I'm bored.

 

---

 

Yes, let's put an interlude there between the fun and the whinging that is about to occur. You know what? I'm suffering from severe shorttimers disease, but I'm not a shorttimer. I'm bored. out. of. my. mind at work, and I don't CARE. I - I have no, none, nada skin in this game of my job. Now, if I'm given something to do, I do it, and I do it well, but I bloody certainly for sure don't go LOOKING. Its a rather twisted sort of life..... C asks how my day has been, and usually I shrug and say that it was - Okay.  Because really, it IS okay. It's not perfect, and it doesn't suck, and it's jsut generally - okay, and I'm okay with that. It could be better - but.... I don't CARE.

And my kitchen is trashed. Yes, totally, out of left field, but argh!

Okay. I'm done, because I don't feel like whinging, and I can see that is where this is headed.  Maybe I'll take a free class from MIT.     

So, I braided my hair up after a nice DC (Humectress, honey, CASH) and let it dry, then braided it into my siggy hairstyle - and murph! I've yet to get it done as nicely as I did the first time - but practice, practice, practice.

But - I deserve a proper handslap = because as I was taking the braids out and combing them, I ASSUMED that my hair was still soft/pliable enough from the earlier dose of WP, and didn't apply my usual pre-combing ritual of HoneyHemp. *sigh* By the time I made it into the bathroom to start parting my tightly combed out hair, I looked down at my shirt, and saw all these WEE broken off ends of hair. *gathers then together gingerly and weeps*
But - it was a good lesson learned - It doesn't matter HOW untangly my hair APPEARS to be, or how smoothly the comb SEEMS to be going through my hair, I. MUST. MOISTURIZE. FIRST.

*sigh*

I want to find/make/buy a new DC - something REALLLLLY moisturizing. I'm thinking that the parched dry air and weather are sucking the yummies out of my hair - and that is a v. v. bad thing. I've skipped henna this week - so this is week one. I'm not hennaing until the end of week four, I'm thinking - or week 3 - depending on what my hair is looking like. I really need to come up with a good spray for the hair.

Also - I've been thinking (just a wee about) about putting in yarn twists once I've cut out most of the red (so that the demarcation between MY hair and the yarn isn't quite as obvious) so that I can play with my hair more (and put it up) etc, etc. *hrmhrmhrm*

Okay - I think that's all the rambling I have in my head for right now.

Notes to myself - recipes!!

I only made 4oz. I took 3oz of castor oil and added 1oz of coconut oil and added about a teaspoon (a measuring spoon) of sublimed sulfur powder and mixed it in carefully. I used gloves and made sure to mix it slowly so it didn't get on anything other than the inside of the container. With the recipe I used, it is about a 5% solution like mtg....but without the bacon odor

1 part (3 tspns) 10% sulfur powder, 4 parts black castor oil, 4 parts virgin coconut cream oil, 4 parts avocado butter, 2 tspns wheat germ oil, drops of WGO and rosemary eo.

Answer #2 : BabyMakers R Us!!

So - continuing on with the question & answer section - WhateverIWant asked about babyplans. 

Well. It's interesting. There are definite plans in mind, and I don't really believe in jinxes, but I haven't talked about them much in non-baby/conception related places - largely because conception is such a crapshoot, and because - well, if things don't work out as we hope they will - I' going to need at least one place that I can go without being immersed  in TTC type talk. With all that said! Here's BASICALLY what we are hoping for: 
To get knocked up on, around, or shortly thereafter our 3rd wedding anniversary - March 28, 2007 for those keeping track at home. In order to hopefully be 'ready' I've been charting for the last three months, temping for the last 3 weeks, and generally keeping track of the goodies going on down below.  I've learned (over the last month or so) that a) I don't make much cervical mucus (which is kinda needed) b) I DO ovulate (Whhhooohoooo!!!!) and c) I have long cycles (so far, I'm hitting an average of 37 days). 

Because I'm a big supplement queen - I've got on order several things to help work all this out. For those who might be interested - here's the list, and the reasons why
a) Evening Primrose Oil (EPO) - often used to help regulate menstrual cycles, esp. with short luteal phases (which as I'm 8 days after ovulation, I'm not sure if I have), and helps create fertile cervical mucus.  
b) Vitex (Chasteberry) - helps boost cervical mucus, AND helps regulate the hormones that actually keep errything running smoothly.
c) Calcium/Mag Mix - *blushes* helps increase your chances of getting pregnant with a girl - C's family has a history of dropping boys, and well - just ONE girl, please?  
d) B complex - once again, helps stabilize your cycle, and helps lengthen the luteal phase - assuming it's short.  
e) Plus my standard, wonderful, lovely, adult chewable Centrums (I heart them, I do) with their 400mg of folic acid. I've CONSIDERED taking prenatals, but BLlleeeggh. I hate pills ANYHOW, and well - Blleeggghhh!  

All of these are generally 'known' fertility boosters, and well, as we are TRYING to get knocked up our first go, I figure, the more, the merrier.

Urmm.... lets see - what else?  The reason that we are waiting until March is because - I know, know, KNOW, that I will NOT be able to hold down a fulltime job, take care of a baby, and take care of a house all at once. I'm in constant awe of mama's who can - but see, I know me, and I know I can't . Actually, that's not  true. I COULD. I would hate every burning, babymissing, leaky boobies, sleep deprived second of it - but if it HAD to be done, I could do it. However, The Boy and I have been working our asses off over the last few years to try to get to a point where I wouldn't HAVE to - and well, we are there. The only reason we are still holding off til March, is because I'm a greedy scamp, and I want to be fully vested before I blow this joint, so that I can take EVERY SCRAP of money - mine & company matched - with me when I go. Mwuaahahaha!!! My 3rd anniversary (and vesting date) at work is March 21st, 2008  - and in the best world, I'd still be on Maternity leave then, and I can take my 12 weeks, and then tell them to flip off.   

The only thing I HAVEN'T done as of yet is make an appointment with the midwife that I KNOW I want to use (because there ain't much of a choice in Memphis, and I already know one of them is a dismissive, talk down to you, bossy, used to be a L&D nurse, wee bit of a harpy), but we are supposed to be meeting for a chat about doulaing, so I'll corner her then. 

Urrm - any other questions? Anything I haven't touched on?  Babymaking wise, that is.    

           

Answer #1: How I Became Rich......

In my 'Ask me anything' entry, BlessedBeauty left me a note, asking how I became rich.  Really, I've always been rich, and I simply wasn't aware of the fact.  

I first watched that video - oh, a few months ago now,  and it really - brought home to me, in a way that nothing else ever has, how wealthy I - and most people who are able to read this entry - are.  And yeah, it's kinda sappy, in a 'We are the World' sort of way - but it's also been VERY personally peaceful for me.

I was ALWAYS the one fretting about money - will we have enough? why don't we have more? Oh, only if I had X dollars I would be able to do W, and Y, and maybe even G! - and honestly, it stressed me. It wore me down. It drove my husband BATTY.  I was always so 'forward-focused', and so busy looking at all the stuff OTHER people had, and wondering why I didn't have quite as much stuff, and wondering if I would EVER have quite as much stuff. 

Then, I really started thinking about it - about how I deal with money, and how it works (or doesn't work, as the case may be) with what I claim is my worldview - that money is energy & time, condensed into a form that can be given and taken away. That money, really is, a means to an end, and simply because the money isn't there, doesn't mean that the end won't ever be reached - it might be harder, it might take more effort and time and energy - but if it's worthy, if it's truly WORTH it - it'll happen. It'll get done. 

And then, I really started thinking about all the grandiose PLANS I had for the 'money' that I didn't have, and I realized that most of them were actually experiences - things I wanted to learn/try/do - and that  the MONEY aspect of it was really all around me getting more 'stuff' to be able to do something. Did I REALLY need a 250 dollar sewing machine to start sewing? Nope - a 3 dollar one from the thrift store is all I really need - and most women, across the WORLD, make do with even less.  Do I really need the full set of gardening tools to get my ass outside and digging in some dirt?  Nope - all I REALLY need is my hands and a hoe - what most people in the world use to feed themselves when they don't have enough 'money' to pay someone else to feed them. 

It's really been a seachange in how I deal with money, and how I percieve wealth. I have my health, I have a roof over my head, I have enough clothing to last me for years, I have a college education, I have a computer (of my own!) and can afford the electricity to run it, I have a fridge and a deep freezer and a car, and dammit, I'm rich!! And to even consider myself anything less than rich is denying the reality of exisitence of most of the population of the world, and only focusing on the microgasm of the world that is represented as Amercian Culture (built half on debt, and half on denial) and comparing myself - with my very different goals and plans and lifepaths - to that.

So yeah - that's how I became rich.