Polishing my Pretty

I'm not a bad looking woman, overall. Some days, I feel prettier than I do on other days - but I think that's just how things are.

However, I've realized that there are several minor things that I can do - that I would actually enjoy doing - that will make those 'I look good' days pop up much more frequently.
It's a logical extension of my hair obsession - starting from the top, and trickling it's way down.
I'm already all over my face - I've got a pretty good routine (OCM, TTO Cream, Ayurvedic Cream) going on there.

I'm in the process of working on my body - and interestingly enough, for once, it's not REALLY for appearance reasons, and I'm happy with that. I'm motivated - highly - to lose weight, but it's not because I want to change my body - it's truly because it's healthier for me. That 'clicked' as I was leaving the gym last night, and realized that I was down 6 pounds from where I thought I was. So, this year, so far, I've lost 17 pounds - without really feeling like I've been on a diet, OR really pushing myself all that hard. That's impressive - to me, at least. A loss of 3.5 pounds a month, WITHOUT really working all that hard at it? Nice, very nice.

Also, the Metformin has really given me hope. I've ALWAYS felt like I was fighting my body when it came to loosing weight - that it rather stubbornly WANTED to hold onto to the fat, and damn whatcha heard, it was GOING to.

As I was telling C, I'm pretty certain that my insulin resistance is what caused Atkins to crap out on me. I lost 60 pounds - sticking to the diet, and doing some minimal exercise. Then I plateaued, and plateaued HARD. I added exercise - nothing. I maintained, yeah, but literally - I didn't lose another POUND - and then, my eating slipped, and it slammed back on like white on rice. I think that Atkins was able to suppress my insulin response enough that I could drop those initial pounds - but once my body got smaller, Atkins was no longer able to suppress my insulin enough to allow me - in a smaller body - to keep losing weight.

I'm already eating a low GI diet - definitely NOT very lowcarb, but I really don't want to go back to low-carb - I'm much more into eating REAL food, now, and the low-carb stuff - meh. It's just as bad as the other processed options out there. The lowGI diet though, is really what I lost those 17 pounds on - seriously cutting uberstarchy stuff out of my diet (though, popcorn, I still love thee!!).
And, I'm already exercising - not consistently, but that's my goal for May - to be pissing on point, 5 of out 7 days. C only works out 3 days - but now that he has a job, he's not home when I get home, so I can work out EVERY DAY if I want to. Fridays are always the hardest, as I just wanna fall out once I get home from work - but I think that it will always be 'weight' day, which, while sucky, is a shorter period of suck than cardio. *lol*

So, yeah. I think that I've got the body stuff down.

My next area of work?

Clothes.

It's really kinda sad, the clothing that I wear. It's old, it's decrepit, it's holey - but I keep on wearing it because I like it, it's comfy, and it fits my body type.
Which, really, is sad, considering that I OWN a sewing machine.
So. Over the last few days, I've been plotting out my wardrobe.

Really, I'm pretty consistent in the things that I like to wear, and the things that look good on me. Rather simply, it's this:

Long skirts - preferably ankle length. I really don't like how I look in most pants (because of the thighs almighty) and short skirts make me look stubby because I have surprisingly small calves/ankles relative to the rest of my body. Not too full, but definitely not straight, either.

Babydoll Shirts - with a band/pull in right under my boobs (which are, despite my belly, STILL the biggest part of my upper body), so that it accentuates the positive, and lightly skims over the negative. I don't care if it 'makes me look pregnant' as I've got a 4 month belly on me, anyhow. I realized that almost EVERY single one of the shirts I wear on a regular basis are that style, and there's a whole range of ways to make them look different, and still be the same basic style.

Tank Tops - I live in these, seriously. I sleep/exercise/work/cook/clean/live in a tank top, 90% of the time. I'm sure I can make them for cheaper (and sturdier!) with some ease.

Button Down Shirts - these are usually used as cover-ups/layering over tank tops during 'inbetween' weather. Preferably no chest pockets, and 3/4 length sleeves.

Tunic Sweaters - my standard winter time gear - hip length sweaters, layered over a tank top.

Dresses - for those days that I really don't feel like coordinating anything - an empire waisted (or wrap) dress, preferably ankle length as well - and 3/4 length sleeves. Basically, a shirt and a skirt joined as one.

And that's IT. Most of my wardrobe that I actually wear fits into one of the above categories.

It's stupid easy to sew long skirts, and tank tops - those are what I'm going to start with, just to get me in a sewing mindset.
Next, I'll tackle the babydoll shirts (as shirts are kinda easy for me to buy, it's bottoms I'm never happy with), and then the dresses. The last thing I'll start to work on are the buttondown shirts, as I suspect they'll be rather 'tricky'. And that's it.
I don't knit, so I won't be making any sweaters - but my sweaters are actually holding up rather well. They need to be throughly defuzzed, but otherwise, I can definitely rock them for another year.

So, yeah. I'm feeling - really, really, really good about things, just, overall - I feel - healthy. In spirit, mostly, but it's been a while.

Glow/Gratitude/Green

Things have been - exceptionally good.

I think it's a combination of several things - the weather has changed (finally), I've become more authentic (really, I have), and I've decided to appreciate life more.

It's amazing how little shifts in your mental mood can just ripple out and carry on for days/weeks - I don't know what it is, I just know I feel good. And I'm not worried about feeling good, I'm not concerned - and - it's really nice.

Finally had my follow-up appt. with the RE to analyze the 15 various vials of blood they've taken over the last few weeks.

My FSH was mostly within bounds - once it was 12.6, but I had uber high estrogen the same day, so that one doesn't count. The others were 7.7/7.6, so almost perfectly normal - So glad that I'm still able to be easily stimulated. *wiggles eyebrows*

My thyroid seems to be working normally, and I'm not anemic.

However - my LH - which should have been between 1 and 18 on CD3/4 - was 50. FIFTY! *lmao*

That, plus the fact that my testosterone is BARELY within normal (on the very high end of 'normal'), combined with the 13 or so cysts on my ovaries that he saw on the ultrasound ended up in a diagnosis of PCOS.
No big surprise there. I've had http://www.pcosupport.org up in a tab for the last two days, and I still haven't looked at it. It's not that I'm avoiding it, perse, I'm just not bloody READY for it.

So, he put me on 1700mg of Metformin, and he's scheduled me for a hysteroscopy on May 9th, because he still feels that my lining was too thick, and he wants to check for lesions and take a biopsy of my uterine lining. So. That's an out-patient procedure - but they are putting me under! I don't know how I feel about that. Mrr.

I took my first Met pill last night, and joy of joys, while I didn't have any tummy bubbling, I'm peeing out of my ass now, which while uncomfy, is at least controllable. I'm only going to be taking one dose for a week (850mg), and then I'm going to ramp up to taking two a day.

I'm really utterly unsurprised that I'm insulin resistant, and I suspect it would tie in if I was gluten-sensitive too.

I've already been tweaking my diet, and since I HAVE to eat with Met, breakfast is actually going to become a regular part of my day. I'm really excited to see what, if any, weight loss improvements I have while I'm on this. I've got a years supply from the one script, so - I hope it goes well.

Changes

I want to be sure, I want to remind myself, that even if my pregnancy, birth, conception, whatever, don't go the way that I would most prefer them to go - the research, study, and thought I have put into making the choice is always the wise way of doing things.

Very simply. Even if I'm wrong - at least be wrong, and partially informed. Or wrong, and fully informed. Or right, and partially/fully informed. Just - don't be ignorant.

That's really all I hope for myself some days - to be still willing - still open - still wise enough to learn. It's a backwards sort of wisdom - not the wisdom that comes with age, but the wisdom that is inherent in youth.

Learn. With every breath, with every moment - they are all different, somehow, and young wisdom knows that a different environment/episode is an environment to learn from. So, learn.

That's what I ask of myself. To be consciously willing to LEARN from every moment of my life - no matter how mundane.

And the Yale Student? Told the deans it was a lie, told the NY Times she told the Deans it was a lie to preserve her exhibit.

I still think she's lying - esp. since she admits she never took a pregnancy test.

Interestingly enough, without proof of her being pregnant, I actually find it a slightly more - thought-provoking and evocative piece - looking at the inherent - fragility of the line between life and new life.

I don't know.

The more drama, the more 'artistic' it is....

*hrmph*

Firsts....

For the first time, I bawled like a baby over not yet being pregnant. I've teared up a couple of times, I've gone into funks, but this - this made me cry.

For senior, abortion a medium for art, political discourse

Martine Powers

Staff Reporter
Published Thursday, April 17, 2008

Art major Aliza Shvarts '08 wants to make a statement.

Beginning next Tuesday, Shvarts will be displaying her senior art project, a documentation of a nine-month process during which she artificially inseminated herself "as often as possible" while periodically taking abortifacient drugs to induce miscarriages. Her exhibition will feature video recordings of these forced miscarriages as well as preserved collections of the blood from the process.

The goal in creating the art exhibition, Shvarts said, was to spark conversation and debate on the relationship between art and the human body. But her project has already provoked more than just debate, inciting, for instance, outcry at a forum for fellow senior art majors held last week. And when told about Shvarts' project, students on both ends of the abortion debate have expressed shock . saying the project does everything from violate moral code to trivialize abortion.

But Shvarts insists her concept was not designed for "shock value."

"I hope it inspires some sort of discourse," Shvarts said. "Sure, some people will be upset with the message and will not agree with it, but it's not the intention of the piece to scandalize anyone."

The "fabricators," or donors, of the sperm were not paid for their services, but Shvarts required them to periodically take tests for sexually transmitted diseases. She said she was not concerned about any medical effects the forced miscarriages may have had on her body. The abortifacient drugs she took were legal and herbal, she said, and she did not feel the need to consult a doctor about her repeated miscarriages.

Shvarts declined to specify the number of sperm donors she used, as well as the number of times she inseminated herself.

Art major Juan Castillo '08 said that although he was intrigued by the creativity and beauty of her senior project, not everyone was as thrilled as he was by the concept and the means by which she attained the result.

"I really loved the idea of this project, but a lot other people didn't," Castillo said. "I think that most people were very resistant to thinking about what the project was really about. [The senior-art-project forum] stopped being a conversation on the work itself."

Although Shvarts said she does not remember the class being quite as hostile as Castillo described, she said she believes it is the nature of her piece to "provoke inquiry."

"I believe strongly that art should be a medium for politics and ideologies, not just a commodity," Shvarts said. "I think that I'm creating a project that lives up to the standard of what art is supposed to be."

The display of Schvarts' project will feature a large cube suspended from the ceiling of a room in the gallery of Green Hall. Schvarts will wrap hundreds of feet of plastic sheeting around this cube; lined between layers of the sheeting will be the blood from Schvarts' self-induced miscarriages mixed with Vaseline in order to prevent the blood from drying and to extend the blood throughout the plastic sheeting.

Schvarts will then project recorded videos onto the four sides of the cube. These videos, captured on a VHS camcorder, will show her experiencing miscarriages in her bathrooom tub, she said. Similar videos will be projected onto the walls of the room.

School of Art lecturer Pia Lindman, Schvarts' senior-project advisor, could not be reached for comment Wednesday night.

Few people outside of Yale's undergraduate art department have heard about Shvarts' exhibition. Members of two campus abortion-activist groups . Choose Life at Yale, a pro-life group, and the Reproductive Rights Action League of Yale, a pro-choice group . said they were not previously aware of Schvarts' project.

Alice Buttrick '10, an officer of RALY, said the group was in no way involved with the art exhibition and had no official opinion on the matter.

Sara Rahman '09 said, in her opinion, Shvarts is abusing her constitutional right to do what she chooses with her body.

"[Shvarts' exhibit] turns what is a serious decision for women into an absurdism," Rahman said. "It discounts the gravity of the situation that is abortion."

CLAY member Jonathan Serrato '09 said he does not think CLAY has an official response to Schvarts' exhibition. But personally, Serrato said he found the concept of the senior art project "surprising" and unethical.

"I feel that she's manipulating life for the benefit of her art, and I definitely don't support it," Serrato said. "I think it's morally wrong."

Shvarts emphasized that she is not ashamed of her exhibition, and she has become increasingly comfortable discussing her miscarriage experiences with her peers.

"It was a private and personal endeavor, but also a transparent one for the most part," Shvarts said. "This isn't something I've been hiding."

The official reception for the Undergraduate Senior Art Show will be from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. on April 25. The exhibition will be on public display from April 22 to May 1. The art exhibition is set to premiere alongside the projects of other art seniors this Tuesday, April 22 at the gallery of Holcombe T. Green Jr. Hall on Chapel Street.

The first thought in my head? That BITCH! She gets pregnant - multiple times, no less! - solely to have an ABORTION for the sake of fucking ART?!? ART? Where is the art, in that?

Art: a: the conscious use of skill and creative imagination especially in the production of aesthetic objects; also : works so produced

I suppose, if one was being strictly dictionary, she did use her creative imagination to produce an aesthetic object, if someone can find beauty in blood and dead children. *tear* I can't. It's just a open bit of sadness, for me, right now. Actually, this would have been horrifying and - seriously psychotic - no matter where I was in my life, but at this point? Right HERE? It's making me cry.

I suppose dead kittens are art, too, somewhere.

The only thing that soothes me, is that - while she did say that she repeatedly inseminated, maybe - just maybe - she really wasn't pregnant. Maybe - just maybe - it's really just menstrual blood, and she wanted to make it more 'interesting' and 'shocking', so she called it a miscarriage.
That's the only thing that's - that's - I don't know. It's the only thing that could possibly make this less horrifying.

From a purely political point of view - I think that she had the right to do what she did. By law, she was well within her rights. As a pro-choice/pro-women's rights individual, I have to set my personal feelings aside, and say - yeah. That's her right - as unsettling as it is, because to say that it's not her right to do it, erodes all of our rights. Do I still think it's psychotic? But of course.
But then, all the 'good' artists are insane, aren't they?

Odd....

This will be my 3rd year going to Daughters, and for some reason this year - I'm totally not into it. I'm not excited, I'm not hyped up like I usually am - I'm - I don't know. I don't know if it's a withdrawal type thing, I don't know if I no longer really feel connected (I don't remember what the last rit I went to was - Imbolc, maybe?) because of my ingrained avoidance of drama and.... I dunno. I'm bleh, about it overall. It's not going to stop me from going - but I don't feel my usual pre-festival high.

Had Realm Class last night - it was just me & MD, which was cool - she told loads of stories - I really like interacting with her. Class was also cut short, because of the severe weather we had blowing through - and because students were so light on the ground.

I've decided to only give myself ONE set of homework every two weeks, instead of two. :) So, this blocks homework will be the letters to myself, my body, and my money.

Speaking of money, C got a job! We are going to act like he doesn't have one though, and funnel all of his checks into paying off the CC's that we've run up. We should be able to knock those out of the water in 5-6 months, easily, and then - well, we'll come to that bridge when we get to it.

I've been thinking about how to look at my job differently, to make it more fun. I doubt that I will ever leap out of bed in the morning, just raring to get here (but I could be wrong), but I do think that I need to do SOMETHING to - heighten my vibrations about this place. I don't know.

One of the things (linked to Realm) that I'm trying to do is that I'm trying to release the - belief/filter that my coworkers don't like me/barely tolerate me/are out to get me. That, I think will be one big - block - for me to overcome in 'assimilating' better.
The other - *sigh* - I don't know. I think that once I stop thinking they hate me, I'll be more comfortable in being a little more aggressive with things.

I just laid out my 'schedule' for this summer, and sheesh!! If I do everything that I would WANT to do, only one weekend in April is booked, every weekend in May is booked, two weekends in June are booked, and a full week is booked in July.

*sigh* I know that I can't/won't/don't want to be running like that. So. I think that I'll limit myself to just local festivals this year. So, no RitFest, no PUF. *sigh* I was sicker than a dog at PUF last year, and RitFest was too fucking hot the year before, so I don't mind sitting those two out. Esp. since PUF is right before Care's baby shower - pffhht!

That'll also help me take fewer days off - I'm not sure how many I have left.

That's better. One weekend in April, two in May, one in June, and vacation in July. *nod* That's MUCH more reasonable.

I think that's about it, for right now. :)

Timing....

is the linchpin on which the universe turns.

I still - still - have not written the letters to myself. I've been caught up in TreasureMapping and trying to plow through my Realm homework - which, if I'm honest with myself, simply will not be done in time for class tomorrow. It deserves more attention than that, and I haven't been able to give it that attention. *sigh* I'm considering playing hooky from class tomorrow, but I won't do that - I'll just admit that it took me much longer than I expected to get into it.

My treasuremap, though, is done. It's funny - perceptions and timing, I mean - as I was cutting, I kept thinking that I didn't have enough - that the tiny collection of scraps and ends of paper in the box would NEVER cover the whole 36 x 36 board - until I really laid them out, and started looking at them, and splitting them up into the various baguas. Once I was all done, I realized that not only did I have enough to cover the whole board, I had MORE than enough, and thus was able to pick and choose exactly which images/words 'sung' to me at that point in time. I didn't even really think as I glued it together - I really haven't 'thought' about the whole process - I just flowed along with it. I'll take a good picture of it once I get home, and add that here.

The DailyOM for today was about letting yourself be carried by the flow of the universe. I poo-poohed LJ for years for going along with that sort of 'flow' stuff, but I think it's because - well, he was focused on the process, and I couldn't grok how letting yourself 'idly' flow would ever get you to where you wanted/needed to be.
But now, I think I get it a little more. It's not about not doing, it's about not being attached to the results of what you do. It's about doing your personal best, and trusting that you making that effort, along with relaxing into the flow of the universe to allow the best results to come from that effort (even if they aren't the results you were actually shooting for). It's a bloody delicate balancing act it is, all tied up with faith and trust, which, yeah, are two of my personal weak points.

It's funny, for the last week or so, there have been a lot of thoughts going through me around money, and finances, and DH's job situation, and etc...... and then, I really pulled myself together, and realized that fretting over it wasn't going to do ANY good, and started actually LOOKING at what I could do (both financially and emotionally) to release that stress. Lo & behold, today DH gets a call for a job offer.
I felt sort of - guilty? unworthy? greedy? for the stuff that I put in my Abundance & Prosperity section - but the more I think about it, the sillier that seems. I mean - it's Treasure! It's - Prosperity! Don't I want to be prosperous? If so, what's the harm in saying - hey! I wanna be prosperous!

I also think - I'm pretty certain - that I will be turning my PC off when I leave work, even if I'm on call. It'll only take me minutes to turn the laptop on once I'm home, it'll stay cool while I'm traveling instead of overheating, and it'll reduce the 'urge/habit' of getting home and plopping my happy ass right back on the computer. There is so MUCH that I have all around me to captivate, entertain, and amuse me - I really should be able to wean myself free of this electronic leash with some ease.
And if I DO want to hop online for something, I'll go and use the desktop..... *nod* The convenience of the laptop is just - far, far too easy to get sucked into.

I've also signed up for another email list - Go Gratitude - which is going to send me 42 days of gratitude filled ideas and expressions. The first thing I'm going to work on is my job. I'm here, today. And this moment is really the only moment I can TRULY influence - so how can I influence myself to rejoice in what I have? I don't know how, just yet, but I'll figure something out.

And, on that note, let me attend to my Realm homework.

Challenges

C and I are going to train for the BRAT (Bike Ride Across Tn) in 2009. *dizzy* I think that we can do it. It gives us a solid 18 months to train for it - and - well.

I think we can do it.

I read this on a forum I'm on - and I thought it was one of the most valuable things I could have read.

First: You need to face the facts - You are not lazy. Lazy doesn't exist. You may be comfortable, you may be afraid, you may be injured, you may be a million things, but you may not be lazy. Lazy is a lame excuse when we're afraid to face the real issue. Face it and deal with it.

Ouch! Youch! Hello!?

So, yeah. Still haven't done my homework. I'm about to work out a training schedule instead.

It's gonna be part Body For Life (for Women), part Couch to 5K, part strentgh training, and part Nourishing Traditions.

Should be interesting.

Slacking

Homework 1 is those letters to myself - due 04/02/2008
Homework 2 will be my Treasure Map - due 04/09/2008

Haven't done my first homework yet. Was hoping to work on it some at work - but I wanted to acknowledge that I'm slacking.
I have gotten the boards and some papers for the TM, though. I need to look up the colors for the bagua's.... hrmm, let me do that now.

This list follows the colors clockwise around the grid, concluding with yellow at the center.
Purple for Money and Prosperous Living.
Red for Fame and Reputation.
Pink for Romance and Marriage.
White indicates the area of Children, sometimes called the Creativity side.
Gray, or tan is the Helpful People area.
Black is the Career area.
Blue indicates the Knowledge area.
Green marks the Family area, also called Stability.
Yellow is the Health area, in the center of the board

So - that would relate to the other TM stuff I had as follows....

123
456
789

1-Abundance (Purple)
2-Fame/Reputation (Red)
3-Relationship (Pink)
4-Family (Green)
5-Health (Yellow)
6-Creativity (White)
7-Self knowledge & Skills (Blue)
8-Work (Black)
9-Helpful people & Travel (Gray/Tan)

I actually think I have all of those colors, too, which rocks.

I also got some patterned paper, and some vellum, in case we feel like being extra creative. The boards that I got are the huge (36 x 48) 'bendy' display boards, and the paper is 12 x 12 scrapbooking paper. I plan on cutting my board to make it 36 x 36, and using some of the leftover to 'stabilize' the bendy bit, and then using a single square in each spot - 12 x 3 = 36, so most convenient.

I'm also thinking about what magazine I want to get. We both need to buy a new one on Saturday - C will most likely get a food one, and - I don't know. I'll have to rumamge through the magazine rack and figure something out.
Or - I realized we might get a magazine in the mail on Saturday - which would totally rock. I'm making plans to go out and buy one though, because otherwise, I really won't leave the house.

Also, haven't started working out yet - and I think that I'm going to have to revamp my timing. I think - I don't think I'm going to be able to get up at the crack of dawn to work out. It too easy for me to fall back asleep (granted, I usually AM pretty tired), so I'm thinking of doing it when I come home, instead. Drop my stuff off in the house, change, grab some water, and head back out to the gym. *sigh* Get it out of the way, so to speak......

I really think that would be best, for me. Maybe if I get more energy, I can shift it to an early morning type thing, but for right now - no.

If I do that, though, we are also going to have to shift dinnertime/dinner prep up some - let's say i get home at 6, work out til 7, I guess I could go back in the house, take a shower (7:30) chill for 30 minutes, then start cooking at 8, eat at 9, be in bed by 10:30?

Bah. BAH! Fucking job taking up all the good hours.

Speaking of which, I need to do some work. Mrr.

River

I wrote this in class yesterday, and I wanted to remember it, and hold onto it, and possibly tattoo it on my ass.

The River is infinite - containing all the possibilities of what might be. I cannot reroute or control the river, but I damn sure can paddle my own boat.

I'm sure some one else has said it better. But it makes sense to me.

And another quote I'd like to hold onto...

Getting want I want does NOT equal having money.

Drr, and how obvious is that, but seriously.

I'm considering making myself a charm bracelet to remind me of these sort of things. The river would be a little oar. The money would be..... hrmm - maybe an infinity symbol - because that reminds me of the possibilities that are out there, without tying it to money. I want a simple silver link bracelet, and then I could make the charms out of Fimo........hrrrm. I'll have to think about it.

Change is internal....

and everlasting.

So. 2nd Realm - well, it's been beating me about the head (and heart) lately. Tomorrow is Day 365, and that's been beating up on me a bit, too. Plus, I'm coming to learn that I've been beating up and muzzling myself for years, and dude - that hurts. Plus - I can't stay at this job - baby or no baby, restaurant or no restaurant - doing this unauthentic work is killing me.

So. A couple of things that I plan on doing, and I plan on keeping track here, as well as in my Realm journal for the things that catch my mind when I'm not quite here.

There are three main areas that I want to work on.....

Physical
Financial
Authentic Self

I plan on doing a Treasure Map this year, and I know that I will include all of those things - that's going to be my long term - process. Here is a quick blurb & Q&A about them, written by Tracy Cook - I'm C&P'ing it here, because the website requires a login.

What is a treasure map, exactly?

A treasure map is a collage made of photos, magazines pictures, words, pieces of things that make sense to you...whatever you want and you put them on a foam core board or just cardboard or just something strong that can handle the collage. Put put them all together so you can look at it. It will be a MAP of what you want for the coming year.

What do you mean by, "what do I want for the coming year?"

Exactly what it says. Do you want a new house, a new living room, better health, stronger marriage, reconnect with people, a bigger family, a bigger community? Do you want to write your book? Do you want a new car? What is it you want? Do you even know what you want? If you are like many of us, you are so busy running around, taking care of everyone else that you might not have a fig of an idea what you want for your new year. That is the beauty of this process. You must sit down and figure it out. Give yourself this time to do it. Be just that selfish, and dare to dream.

Why do we do it in the Spring and not January?

Treasure Maps are made during the Aries new moon. Treasure Maps are made during the Aries new moon. Aries new moon change from year to year and this year, it will take place on April 5 8:54 pm PDT.
They are made on Aries New moon, because that is the first sign of the Zodiac. Aries is when you plant your seeds. It is the real beginning of the New Year. It should not be confused with the first day of Spring, which is usually on March 19 or March 20. New moon means the sun and moon are in the same degree. For those who don't know much about astrology (which is totally okay) Aries is the sign of SIGHT. That's why it's so important to have pictures of what you want. You need to visualize it. Or if you don't do photos/pictures, use printed words. It is merely important for you to see them.

I'm going to be busy on April 5. Can I start it before the 5th?

NO.

Do I have to buy a bunch of magazines? I'm broke, can I just borrow some old ones?

Personally, when I started my treasure maps I always did them with fresh new magazines. And in the old days, (not married, no children) I spent a lot of dough on them--only because I wanted lots of choices. But with time, I ended up only getting a few magazines. I never borrowed other magazines from friends. However, I know people who did it in previous years and I think they were happy with their results. It's your call.

What if I don't want magazine photos, can I just use my own pictures.. like my husband, my baby etc?

Sure. I usually color Xerox them so that I would not wreck my originals.

You can also paint what you want. Again, it is your call.

Is there any pattern i have to use when i put the photos or the words on my board?

No. You can do it any way you want.

I will say that in previous years my friends and I used to use the feng shui baguas for my pattern. Basically, I would break up the board into 9 areas.

123
456
789

1-Abundance
2-Fame/Reputation
3-Relationship
4-Family
5-Health
6-Creativity
7-Self knowledge (and travel)
8-Work
9-Helpful people and angels.

If you use the feng shui baguas, you will naturally cover all most all areas of your life, as you can see it is all represented there.

How much time do I have to build my map?

Ideally, you should build your map during the new phase of Aries New Moon, which ends Wednesday April 9 2:22am PDT

Do I have to do it alone or can I do it with friends?

You can do it either way. I build mine with my two other friends. We are like sisters and it felt so right to do it with them. We started them together. I know that there are several people who have little parties where they invite those close to them over. It's a lot of fun to do them with others. We would all pass around the magazines: "hey, I found a great beach bungalow does anyone need a beach vacation?" Or, "I have got to lose 10 pounds, any ideas what I should put on my map?" and lo and behold! Someone will come up with a good suggestion.

Do I have to finish it all at one sitting?

No. Often I used to cut my stuff out with my friends. Maybe glue a little thing here or there and then take it home and finish it there over the course of a day or two.

Can my kids do it with me?

Yes! it is great for them to focus and think about what they want. They also might give you their thoughts about what they think you should have in your life. Helps them to think beyond themselves, right?

Does it work?

Yep.

I don't want to sound like a spoilsport, but I’m just not interested in building a collage. Can I do something else?

Sure. You can take a nice piece of orange paper and write something like, "Wishes during Treasure Map Time". My wishes can sometimes feel like prayers and they are much more broad in my desires. But I will say this, I felt like I needed to switch to 'less is more' after several years of mapping. I would encourage newcomers to make the actual maps. But if you really don't feel the call, then just write your desires down. I like orange paper. So vibrant. So Aries.

Is it okay to have things continue over to the next year? Long-term, ongoing stuff that has progressed but needs to continue to progress?

Yes. Of course. But with a small caveat. My sense after doing these for years is that, when something really takes time, and doesn't gel in the first year, there may be something not yet right, or personally constructive, about that desire. It may or may not be something you are aware of. For example, one friend shifted from her map from year one to year two by focusing on less material things. That kind of energy is really constructive. The most important thing for you to do is to always reach your gut and seriously ask yourself what it is you really want. You may find that you need need to shift something about your long-range goals. My sense is that they need a wee bit refining or broadening. Just a thought. But definitely don't give up on your dream.

I'm really excited! Is there anything I can do now before Treasure Map to help my map?

Yes, yes, and yes. I have said this in previous years and I'll remind everyone now. The period just before the Treasure Map is called the Balsamic Phase, which is the end of the moon's phase. This is the phase when we get rid of stuff. Get rid of clutter. Get rid of things that are bugging us. Get rid of ick. Try if you can to clear some space in your life so you can be ready for the treasure map. Remember, Einstein said, "no two things can occupy the same space." Read that sentence several times. Now ask yourself, do I have space in my house, my family, my time, my life in general for more? If the answer is 'no", then start housecleaning!

Clear out the stuff between now and the 5th. Now do you understand why it is important not to start your map before the new time?

By the way, I personally don't buy any of my supplies before the New starts. But I know some of you can't do that, so if you must, buy before. Put it aside and don't touch it until the New. Don't thumb through magazines. Leave it all be.

Good luck and dream big!

Short(er) term, I'm going to be writing letters to my three 'selves' - a Dear Body letter, a Dear Money letter, and a Dear Me letter.

Funny, it just hit me that one of my defining moments was a critique/destruction of a Dear Me letter I wrote when I was 13. I think that Me has been cowering under the chair in hiding ever since. Poor Me.

Anyhow. I want to be able to examine how I interact - and think, really, about each of those things - where I want them to be, and why, and what I am willing (and am NOT willing) to do to get there. I would like to run this in parallel with Second Realm, but a little faster, so I'm going to be giving myself 'homework' at some point, every Thursday.

Homework 1 is those letters to myself - due 04/02/2008
Homework 2 will be my Treasure Map - due 04/09/2008

So, that covers the next two Thursdays - I'll figure out my going forward work from there.


I'm also going to be reading The Highly Sensitive Person. After having read just a few of the blurbs on her site, I'm convinced that not only AM I a HSP, I also need to understand how that affects me in order to REALLY move forward on anything in a deep down, major way.

Getting and Being

That Which You Are Seeking Is Causing You To Seek was a really, really good book. I'm still thinking about little bits and pieces of it, two days later.

One of the things that they talked about was the difference between GETTING angry and BEING angry.

It that, there is nothing wrong with getting angry - anger is an emotion, just as valid and valuable as love. However, being that anger - holding in inside of you and letting it rule your choices and your thoughts - that's the problematic point. They suggested once you are angry, looking past your anger and identifying the actual root emotion. Anger, really, is a shield of some sort - and without looking past the shield, you'll never just be able to get angry, and let it go.

It's really challenging for me, because first I have to identify the feeling that I'm having AS anger. I'm so used to repressing anger (because I'm zen, you see, and things simply roll off of my back), that when I really am angry - I'm either a firey inferno, or I'm crying - or I'm denying what I'm feeling is anger at all.

Poetgirl commented that once the year mark hits, things start to get really hard, emotionally. I was thinking today (as I was putting in my CP/CM notes) that I'm really tired. I want to run away and hide from this, because emotionally, it's stressing me. It's straining me, and it feels all so hopeless, sometimes. I've promised myself that I will not change anything that I'm doing until after the RE appt - then we might have to reconsider things. More for me, than for him, as I don't even know/think it matters, to him.

Speaking of the RE, their receptionist is smart enough to check with the insurance company BEFORE you come in, and she let me know that our visit will be 361.00 out of pocket. Which, is more than we should be spending (I need to figure out which credit card to put that on), but it's the last medical thing that we'll be doing, except for maybe another SA - so I figure it's worth getting the information. He want's Dr. R to send over my scans from the HSG, so I need to call their office and have them do that today, too.

I don't think I'm angry, though. I don't think what I'm feeling is anger. Disappointment? Sadness? Frustration? Anger? See. Maybe there is, just a little anger in there. I don't know. I regularly examine/talk to myself to see if I'm blaming myself for this - don't think that the thought has gone through my mind several times that I might have killed the only child I was ever going to be able to have. The fact that I got pregnant around the same age as my mom, who only had me, despite YEARS of trying for siblings - horrifies me on a regular basis, but I try to not hold onto it. It slides through, and I marvel at the fact that I would be mother to a seven year old, and then it fades away. But, oh, it's always there.

I don't know. I really just want to let the whole thing go, at least for a little while.

And then - C still doesn't have a job. It's going on - almost three months now? He's still looking, hard, and we are still okay- though we are dipping into the savings, and I'm seriously considering majorly dipping into the savings, paying off the IRS and Sears and the Home Depot store card, and - moving on from there.
But then, we are also kicking around the idea of opening a restuarant. We have picked out a location, and we've put together ideas & a menu. Now, we are going to start working on the business plan, and trying to find financing. With the market as it is now, I'm seriously doubting that we'll....... well. Just as I started writing that sentence, I got an alert that my horoscope for today had just hit my inbox.

Dear Kiya,
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, March 19:
Gather your resources and figure out how best to use them for the upcoming
months or so. It's a great day for making plans -- even for several years from
now! Your good energy is perfect for the task.

*blink* Well. Fine, then. I'll do that. I don't know how 'good' my energy is (ahh, that's another thing - not breaking things up into good/bad, but just seeing them as they are. So, my energy is - focused, I think. My energy is ready for a change, and it's in a very Fuck All Ya'll kinda mood, which means my normal reluctance towards change might not be in such a high gear).......

I'll be vested on Friday.

Work has been - well, it's been a bit better. I had my performance review (no raise for me this year, no suprise there!), and - I think some things were laid on the table. I think there will be some shakeups - and well, change is - change. Hopefully, for the better. I'm busier (minutely, and it's more me making myself feel like it actually MATTERs - attitude shift, one could say), but I realized that I've been, more or less, doing the same damn thing for the last 8 years. I don't know - I think I might be ready for a change. I can't believe it's been 3 years already.

But, with the restaurant, my main - inital thoughts for a change (going into consulting) simply wouldn't be an option, as I would need to be at the restaurant after leaving my 'day job'.

And then, there's always in the back of my mind the thought that maybe it's a blessing that we haven't concieved yet, maybe there is a reason. Maybe the worlds really about to go all to shit, and we're being spared the stress of caring for a babe. Maybe we are meant to adopt, instead. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

I don't know. All I know is that..... I am. Right now, that's all I'm certain of, and heaven knows, sometimes I wonder if it's all just a dream.

I think my next book will be my birthday gift from my momma, though.

pivots

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

I have to do my 5 pivotal people, next.

Ummi, Amin, C, James, and Me.

Amazing, how all my pivotal people somehow deal with love. Mother love, father love, spouse love, general love, and self love.

If I had to sum up - - really - it would be all about love, and fear.

My mother loves me, but she fears for me - it's the way of motherhood - no matter how certain she is of me, she'll always hold a kernal of fear with my name on it in her heart. And she's shared that fear with me - that fear that life will somehow hurt me - it was her first lesson, and it was shared out of love. "Always be aware of your surrounding" - that was her constant litany to me as a child - watch/wait/listen/lurk/protect your back.

Amin loved me, but I ended up constantly fearing him. I feared displeasing him, I feared disappointing him, I feared him uprooting us again, I feared him leaving us - and I feared him coming home. Thinking about him generally leaves me with the unsettled, sweaty palms and pits feeling that I get that equals fear.

C loves me, and I loved him deeper than I've ever dreamed I could ever love someone - and that brings its own forms of fear - he can build me higher than anyone ever could, and he could destroy me in a way no-one else can - and I have made the choice to willingly open my heart, myself, my life to him - all for the unyielding force of love - how terrifying is THAT?

James - ah. So many kinds of love tangled up in him. He taught me to let go of love. He helped me see just the barest glimpse of what a mother's love is actually all about. He taught me to fear promises though, and to fear friendship. He broke my heart, in a way it had never been broken before - and when I repaired it, I included shards of fear - of doubt - of mistrust - things he taught me, and things I needed to know.

And then, there's me. I fear my own brilliance. I fear my own lack of inspiration. I fear my potential because I believe it can overwhelm me and take me to places that I might not mind being, but that I haven't yet chosen to go. And I love me, with a level of acceptance and certainty that I've never accepted or extended to anyone else. It's me & myself, forever from birth to death, and that intimacy - despite it's blind spots and failures - has shown me what unconditional love really is.

*sigh* Well, at least I'm not weepy, anymore.

Shut down, Will Robinson, Shut Down!

I've decided that I'm only marginally going to think about TTC'ing until after the appt. At this point, there's nothing we can do, and the information that we will recieve will be very, very useful - so, it's pointless for me to fret.

Yes, I AM going to my zen space, how'd ya know?

I even went as far to change my nick on one of my favorite boards - it started mentally taunting me - 'to be, or not to be, that is the question!' Horrid.

Moving on.....

C asked me last night why don't we open a restaurant. Once I got past my inital 'We are entering a recession!! Are you INSANE?!?!?!!?' reaction, I started thinking about it a little - calmer. And, ya know, I don't know. We still can't really 'afford' it, but fer fucks sake, that's what investors are for. There's a cool location for sale - right on a main strip, near our house, in a relatively safe hood. Dunno how much they want for it - but, it's a thought. We've got the grand chef, and we have the trusted money person - the problem is we are both ignorant as newborn babes when it comes to all the nits & grits of opening a restaurant. He's got some experience, but strictly from a chefs side. It's funny, at the end of the brief convo I said 'Well, worst comes to worst, we'll just go bankrupt!' *faint* But, yeah. Maybe. I dunno. And I suspect he'll HATE my ideas for a concept..... *evil grin*

So, I don't know. He was rejected for two of the positions he was really hoping for (both of the corporate ones), and the one that's left is the one that he REALLY wants - but he's getting antsy because they are kinda dragging their feet. It's been what - two months, now? I vaciliate being antsy and resignation over the whole thing.

I need to call my mother, but I'm not in the right mind set to talk to her right now - it's funny, I tend to avoid her in times of instability - I still feel like she's judging me (and whether she is or isn't isn't the issue at all), and I still have to prove that I'm a big girl now. I know I DON'T, but the gut feeling/reaction is still there.

Speaking of which, I need to work on my homework for next weeks Realm class - the 5 piviotal people. Mother, Amin, C, M, and..... I don't know. Someone else. It's sad, really, how few people I have in my life that actually MATTERED. Hrm.

Okay. *sigh* I've got a meeting to go to with one of my banes (who I'm sure is just going to go on and on), and I need to be pleasant and perky and shit. *slaps on fake grin* Vodka would make this place EVER so much more pleasant.

Hrrrm.

So. I went a searching for information on the necklace I chose.

First, it took me a while to be certain that it actually was red jasper - I think I have a rather unique piece, in the fineness and regularity of the striations. Anyhow. These are the properties of red jasper.

Often worn by Shamans for protection of their bodies when on astral journeys, the nurturing energy of this stone energizes and strengthens, enhancing physical health. It helps the wearer to maintain a positive outlook. In hazardous circumstances it can aid the wearer in knowing what course of action to take. Is said to relieve some of the pain of childbirth.Good for weatherworking, especially bringing rain, and for curing snakebite. Healing for stomach ailments, jasper balances all chakras, stabilizes energy, and protects from negativity, drives away evil spirits, hallucinations, and nightmares, and is generally a grounding stone. It builds up steady energy for long periods of time. A stabilizing stone - it reduces your insecurities, fears, and guilt. Decrystalizes illusions. Used for cancer and other wasting dis-eases. Purifies the blood - helps the anemic. Vitalizes brain tissue, stimulates hormone balance. Excellent stone for healers as it enhances and balances the auric field. Enhances love and passion, helps you work with heavy negativity, reduces fears and insecurities, beneficial for blood circulation.


Interesting enough. Then, there is Mother of Pearl.....

Attracts money, wealth and prosperity, clarifies feelings, stabilizing. The magical properties of the pearl bring the wonderful gifts of peace of mind, focus, wisdom, patience, protection and love. And these are all properties that are important to the pearl’s fertility magic. Legend has it that pearls are so closely related to fertility because of the time and patience that it takes for one oyster to produce just one pearl, much like the time and patience it takes to create one beautiful baby.


Hrm. Possibily the perfect thing to steer me through whats coming next. Hrmm.

unHappy Aniversary!!

It's March 4th, 2008. Exactly this time, a year ago, I was slipping in my Diva, hoping to not see a period again for at least 24 months.

Yeah, not so much.

It's been a year, officially, and it's fucking with me much more than I expected it would. It's odd - the first six months were a drag, the second six months were a blur, and this, the 13th month - well, it's - interesting.

I'm lugging around this impending sense of doom - March 24th is when we go to the fertility specialist and get (finally) a detailed explanation as far as C's S/A results. If there are utterly miserable - I don't know. Realistically, it will be the last step as far as 'assisted' techniques. None of the insurance offered here covers ART of any kind - I suspect we'll have to pay out of pocket for the HSG, which is two grand that we can ill afford. And - from the little bit of reading I've done so far, it seems like when there are female issues - well, they can offer drugs and timing and triggers and etc, etc.... but when there are male issues, they slingshot you directly into IUI/IVF - which we cannot, in any way shape or form, afford.

It's rather - ironic - we waited (I held off) for so long so that I (we) could afford to be the parents that I wanted us to be. And now, here we are here, able & ready to be the parents that we hope to be, and might not be able to bloody afford to get pregnant.
Ain't THAT a blip?

If that is the results of our appt (the 24th), then. Well, I don't know. I've been biding my time at work, thinking/hoping that I would be pregnant soon, and would be able to implement my exit strategy. If that doesn't happen - I think I'll more agressively pursue a consulting opportunity - it'll be a quick way to stack up money - and then I'll move right into - hell, my first thought was midwifery school - but I don't know if I want to be a midwife - more importantly, if the chance of being a mother drops down to something silly like 5% - I don't know if my heart could handle being around birth - I think I would get very angry, very quickly.

That leaves writing. *gulp* I did say, a while back, that maybe if I canna concieve a child, at least I can birth a novel. I don't know. I'm - I'm delaying anything, everything, including my emotions.

And C has been really tender with me lately - I swear, I think he thinks I'm pregnant. Its something about the way he touches me - and how amazing and wonderful it would be if I was.
I think that's why I write so little about it except for brief interludes - I'm all 'energy-aware', and I'm afraid that if I focus/mull on the 'oh my gods, we'll never get knocked up!' side of things, that's exactly what I'll attract to myself. And while, yeah, at 6DPO (or 15DPO, depending on who you ask), it is as it is - it's my own personal juju.

Speaking of personal jujus - I stopped wearing the Gaia necklace. The back of my neck has broken out (we aren't even going to TALK about the skin eruptions going on all over my body - I feel hideous! Gods bless detoxing), and my chain was irritating it. So, I took it off - and I switched the pendant before I put the chain back on. Now, I'm wearing the mother of pearl and carnelian dangle I got from FOS - I haven't looked up the energy of these stones yet, but it feels REALLY good to wear, so I'm happy with that.

Ah, yes, also - the elimination is going well. I still slip occasionally (popcorn, ice cream & hoagies are my downfall) but in general, it's going well. I've lost ten pounds (without even trying), and as I mentioned before, my skin is - oh my gods, I've got more breakouts, hives, bruises, dark spots - it's seriously rather disgusting, all of the GOOP that is coming out of me. If I'm definitely not pregnant this cycle (testing in 10 days), I'm going to HAVE to do a cleanse to get this over with, like NOW. I'm sure it would be nicer if I did it gradually, but seriously, I can't take it - and I scar easily - I'll come through this looking like I had chicken pox, or something!

Work is - well, work. I'm supposed to be on a new path, and making new efforts, and I'm really 'Yeah, whatever' about the whole thing - but, I know that if I wanna keep the job, I really do need to focus more.

C still hasn't found a job - there are a two places that are stringing him along - but I have hope at least one of them will come through. He's starting to do some of the online stuff I had considered doing once I was at home, to bring in a little more money. I'm also scared (all the fear and uncertainty I have in me!) that we can't afford to live on one salary. *deep breath*

It's a time of waiting and uncertainty, generally - leading up to a huge change, one way or another.

Should be interesting.

Okay, this is just getting ridiculous.

I'm on the VERGE of tears at work because Twin1 on my team is doing her usual thing of taking over anything she touches and excluding everyone but Twin2, and I was dreadfully embarassed when someone came to me for an update, and I had that 'caught in the headlights' look.

Do I think she's doing it on purpose? I don't know - she's always been like this (and always the loudest one complaining about how BUSY she is) so no, I don't think she's trying to sabatoge me. She's doing a bloody good accidental job of it, though.

This week has simply sucked, basically. C is being - funny. I don't know what the heck is up with him, and he's made some new online buddy, and.......

Gods, I'm so tired of - just everything. It feels so fucking POINTLESS, and I don't know why. I'm truly just going through the motions because I don't know what else TO do. The delirious fantasy of quitting has danced though my head on a daily basis this week - which, among choices I've made (or considered making) that would be pretty high on the dumbasfuck scale...

It's gotten so bad, that this morning driving to work, I understood why so many people - esp. the opressed & downtrodden, fall so hard for the concept of a perfect Heaven. It gives an ending to the bullshit - and the promise that after you finish plodding through it all, you'll be rewarded. Just KNOWING that there is an end in sight makes suffering through anything easier.

Hrm. Even the potential of there being an end makes me feel better. I feel - very trapped, lately.

And fuck me sideways, this moodswings are INSANE. I don't even feel like writing anymore, because I feel better.

*tear*

Can I has my brain back, plz? kthx.

I feel like shit, and I don't know why (and that about sums up my mood).

I'm tired - oh, by the gods, how tired I am, all the time. Getting out of bed is almost tear inducing - and I'm sure my weekend shift to an almost totally nocturnal schedule does NOT bloody help - but it seems to be the only thing that allows me to feel rested.

Work is - pissing me off. No, it's not. It's stressing me out, but it's not, either. It's - it's - I don't know. I don't have words for what it's doing, because I don't think it's doing anything different, and I don't have words for how it's making me feel, because I don't have any but sad. Pointless. Pressed thin and blown away. Not really emotions, but that's how I feel.

So, I sit in my corner, and bury my head (and my ears) and plod through the days....and plodding not always a bad thing, I'm just - I'm just tired of feeling like an old mule.

I don't know. Is it the end of winter blues? Is it PMS? (Hey, I'm on CD26 - miracles could be possible!). I don't know. And I can't explain it to C, which makes me even GRUMPIER, as gods but we feed off of each others emotions.

Murph.

Stupid meeting.

Maybe more later.

Rodeo

Whooohooo!!

Mood swings galore!

Repressed tears!

No good reason!

Had ice cream last night - wonder if that bothered my hormones. And seriously, is it even possible to have an allergic reaction that screws with hormones? I mean, really?

*headthump*

Whatever it is, I don't bloody want to be here (I don't really want to be anywhere, (contrary, much?) but if I HAD to be somewhere, unconsious in my bed would be the best choice, personally.

I hate, hate, hate feeling like this. Just - pointless. That's what it is.

I think I'll work on my defining moments more - I'm already miserable feeling, a little retroactive misery on top of that won't be too bad.

*sigh*

Hi. My name's Eeyore.

fragile

So many things have me feeling fragile, lately.



Second Realm is chipping at my boundaries, and I like it about as much as I'm terrified of it. This book (Self Matters) is rather - pointed in it's utter disregard for holy cows or boundaries of any sort. I'll have to start devoting more time to the homework - my usual habits of procrastination are serving me poorly, to be honest.



TTC'ing is - going. It's taken on it's own sort of rhythm now, I think - a sort of ebb and flow of anticipation, hope, and depression. My own personal rollercoaster ride.



We've officially been refered to a fertility specialist - our appt with him will be right in the middle of our 'official' TTC for a year cycle - how ironic, eh?



So far, I've checked out clear - C, on the other hand, had 'low volume'. We haven't been able to pin down if they were complaining about the sample size, or if they are directly refering to the swimmers. We'll find out in a month or so, I suppose.



The seasons are changing too - warmth coming back (the crocuses have sprouted! - I promise to take a picture of them draped in ice), and - I don't know.



There's a sad sort of sweetness draped over everything - a semi-consious awareness of the fragility of EVERYTHING - and it's not - usual for me. My heart is tender and exposed and while it's quite delightful, it's most disquieting at the same time.



I've been spurting bits and pieces of creativity in the form of an official hairblog (thanks for going down, LHC - otherwise, I might have never left the nest), and I'm - I'm looking forward to starting to write. I can't even say starting to write again, because I don't think I ever really wholeheartedly STARTED.

*sigh*

So - life is well. It's good. I'm looking forward to it getting better.

Vict. It's an interesting prefix - goes the gamut from victorious to victim.

I'm - gods, I'm impatient lately. Easily irritated with - everyone. Everything. Life. Just - like I have a pebble in my emotional shoe, and I don't know how to take my shoes off.

So, instead I walk about, hobbled and limping, but at least I'm not being a raging bitch - which would be my usual reaction to the pebble. It's not their fault I'm persnickety.

I don't like being persnickety. I don't like FEELING persnickety. I'm a generally nice, level headed, non-confrontational person who is about good at keeping her mouth shut when - well, when it's not really my place to speak.

Oh, and I'm just BRIMFUL with good advice, and wisdom and such, don'tchaknow? I realized (bugger, need to do my Second Realm reading tonight!) that I've had those particular traits for quite a while, actually - the deep seated desire/need for people to do things MY way. I'm adult enough now to realize that it won't happen, but I'm not mature enough to TRULY gracefully accept that fact.

Yeah, I've got a bad case of Queen of the World going on, over here.

Whatever. Admitting it though, does feel pretty darn good. *sigh* Maybe it will blunt the sharpness of my tongue.

Though, there are the days when I wonder just WHY I should be less - blunt. Probably because I don't like hurting people, and I think my tongue (and my insight) can be a deadly weapon, if not used with caution. It's not a butter knife, it's a bloody broadsword.

And I'm DREADING the drive I have to take tonight - I'm going to pick up some fresh maple syrup, and I have to go into the 'riche' section of town to do so, and it'll be rush hour, and oh MY but how rude and - inconsiderate! - drivers tend to be in that area. *sigh*

I'm pretty sure the fact that I've been cold most of the day, AND I haven't eaten today doesn't help my mood, either. *sigh* I want to go home cheerful, though - that's the least I can do.

Usually a little music helps - so hopefully I'll unwind a bit.

I really want a bloody cigarette.

*sigh*

The Bitch Stirs

I don't know what else to call it/her/that side. ShadowSelf, maybe? Heh, wouldn't that be interesting - I need to go and do some more reading on the shadowself.

Anyhow. I'm - murrph. I don't know. I think I'm sick of people. *lol* It's so 'high and mighty' and hoity-toity, but - gods! It's just - *sigh* - personal perceptions are always different, ain't they? And emotions are never logical. And maybe if I freaked/flipped out more, I would be a better rounded person.

But bloody hell, does it ever get on ones nerves!

I want a cigarette - and we all know that means I'm stretched a wee bit thinner than I should be - patience/tolerance-wise.

We are looking into re-financing the house, to try and take advantage of the lower interest rates - working with the fellow who did the first loan, and we might be able to drop a whole point, which would be utterly fabulous!

I still haven't done our budget. I think - I think maybe I'll at least start pulling stuff tonight - I ran our credit reports today, so that will be a place to start - I think I have pretty impressive credit - and THANKFULLY the little 'lates' on the HD card (the whores, shifting bloody payment dates!) aren't showing up, as that would ding me, quite nicely. DH's credit is - thin. Both figuratively and literally - all three of his reports is barely as thick as one of mine. Something semi-scary I realized - MOST of the debt we have is in my name. I haven't yet determined if that's wise - of course, most of our debt is also wrapped up in the house, so - I don't know. And if the re-fi goes well, DH will be on the mortgage too, so - that should be - okay, I guess.

The amount of revolving credit we have scares the shit out of me though - we have WAY too much of that - WAY too much. Okay, true, true, that includes a lawnmower, a treadmill, a dishwasher, new countertops, and two vacations - but STILL. It's a good chunk more than I am comfy with - we are definitely past our '9 month payoff' level - we've exceeded our personal credit level.

Speaking of which - we had a 'discussion' last night. DH had Forbes, and had it open to the 2008 blahblahskippy BMW, and said 'See, this is why I wanted to get this magazine, so that I will know what's out there to want' - basically. I - well, I had issues with that statement, asking him why he wanted an 60K car, and he said he didn't really want the car, he wanted the lifestyle the car represented. I then replied that the 'true' millionaires don't drive cars like that, and what that car really represents is a high disregard for the actual value of money - bloody 80 grand on a depreciating asset! WTF?
Anyhow, he got all stuffy and accused me of refusing to acknowledge goals that I don't agree with - whereas my intentions were to clarify exactly what sort of 'lifestyle' the car represented. To me, the 'lifestyle' that would allow you to have 60K even semi-liquid is NOT the 'lifestyle' of the average person who actually drives that car.

But then, maybe that more reflects our love of credit than anything else.

spasms

I mentioned to a friend this morning that lately, I seem to skip the righteous indignation bit of things, and go directly to pissed off and/or depressed about things that would usually get me in a high dander.

I don't know if it's the simple fact that no-one can be pissed off all the time - well, no, someone could be pissed off all the time, but that someone wouldn't be me, or if it's just the overwhelming amount of things that go on that piss me off - I can't handle the overload, anymore.

So, I withdraw. I read, and don't note. I bite my tongue. I wear my iPod at work, and consiously ignore the conversations. I don't read the paper, and I don't watch the news, and I keep my circle of friends very, very, very, small, because I don't WANT to deal with the random insanity of - everything.

It's rather - I don't know. I've always acknowledged the fact that I am a hermit, but I'm starting to take it further than just social interactions.....I'm letting go of things that really don't matter - esp. opinions and beliefs.

As I've been telling people lately - three or four people, including DH - I really don't CARE what you do - I'm not invested in it, as I would have been a few weeks/months ago, because you know what? My righteous indignation isn't going to change your mind - and you'll still live your life, as you want, with or without my input. So why bother?

It's - it's not cynical, really. It's realistic. I'm still changing my mindset around control, and management, and battles worth fighting. I'm learning that I don't have to work to get people to understand me, if THEY don't want to. I'm backing away from brickwalls, and learning the wisdom of a nod.

It's much less frustrating. It's much - easier, on me, emotionally. I'm still learning (still! and here I thought I had it down!) to not take things personally.

But then, I wonder if I'm taking the lazy path out. Is a desire to not have to fight - hell, the craving to not WANT to fight, not NEED to fight, lazy? Is my abandoning of the path of the crusader and changemaker a sign of an inner weakness, or one of inner strength?

Or, maybe, it's just a shift in attitude. I'm willing to teach, but not to fight. I'm willing to share, but not to convince. I'm willing to explore, but not to trailblaze.

I don't know. It might be fear. It might be a warning that I need to conserve that engry - that - vim & vigor for a bigger fight. It might be pure laziness.

I finally got the Dr. Phil book (Self Matters) for 2nd Realm yesterday, and I want to work a chapter or so a night, until I'm caught up (I think we are up to Chapter 5, now).

I really don't like Dr. Phil - he's smarmy, thinks he has the answer for everyone, and has a really irritating voice, but, I've heard very good things about the self-exploration this book lends to, and so, I'm willing to try. Heck, the biography trick has been an interesting trip so far - and useful.

It's interesting - I feel - clearer, somehow. I feel like - heh, I feel more authentic, and it's been stirring before I even opened the pages of the book - I just didn't have a very good name for it.
Hrm. I think I'm done.

Twisting...

I've been writing in my hair journal like a mad woman - I didn't realize I had so much stored up, viz-a-viz hair.
Anyhow, I wanted to write about my ears, and I think I might get a little - messy - and intense, so I'm going to write it here, and if it works, tweak it to transfer to there.

I'm odd that way - where I write an entry has a subtle effect on the tone of the entry itself - even between here and OD.

Anyhow, my ears.

I'm struggling to get them to size. The right side is being - ahh, difficult. And even the left side is being more resistive than usual - I suspect it's because I've moved a little too fast....but, I'm staying where I am, for a while.

I forced the back holes - which were silicone 6g'd for the last few weeks to accept a mother of pearl 6g plug - now, I have stable plugs in both my back holes of the right size, and I'm going to leave them there for a while. It was a struggle getting it into my left ear, but I managed it. The right ear, I had to overstretch with the 4g taper, and then push the 6g plug through - ah, the pain.
But it was warm - pleasent, useful, somehow. Even the soreness in my ears is - comfortable.

In Realm class this week, T talked about hugging the cactus. How, we, over the years, hold such pain to ourselves so closely, that the tiny pricks of pain become numb, and you don't consiously feel them anymore. But! As soon as you start to let go of the cactus, all of those spots of old pain hurt afresh - as if they were new. Hugging the cactus, you see?

I'm wondering, more and more, what pain I'm comfortable with. I think about that gap in my biography (which I still haven't picked back up) and I cringe. I think there is a big cactus there - and I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go of it, just yet.

I was reading WWWf, and there was a thread about EFT and Releasing Memories......and it struck a chord in me - it was rather along the lines of what I was doing as I laid in bed and redreamed my own history.

I've - I want to sit down and read the EFT booklet that I printed out while I meditate in the morning, but I haven't been having much success in getting up early enough to work out and meditate - and I opted to make the harder habit my higher priority.

Anyhow.

I'm trying to figure out how to stretch my ears out enough so that they will accept a 2g plug. Do I need a 0g taper? That would be a pain. I guess I could just continue to wear the dangles - the stainless steel ones at night, and the glass during the day - glass so that I'm not pulling my earlobes down - I've noticed my lobes 'hanging' a bit more than I would like them to in the latest series of pictures that I've taken of my hair - the larger the gauge, the heavier the earring, obviously - I think that I'm going to have to go to solely glass/wood stuff now. Maybe I'll try bone again - it was just too light in the smaller gauges, but now, that very lightness might be an advantage.

I have glass and mother of pearl - some lovely mother of pearl, too - plugs in 2g - damn. *sigh* I'll look and see how much a 0g taper will be.....so that I can at least wear them.

lifelines

I have to write a biography for 2nd realm, and it's been - interesting, and mildy depressing and suprisingly enlightening. We have to write it in 3rd person (to distance ourselves from the subject matter) and - it's slightly less heartbreaking.
It's not that I had a BAD childhood - it was just - sad. At least the bits that I can remember - there isn't much joy there. But isn't that how memories go so often? The minor wounds stay with you forever, but the minor joys that go along with them are lost in the mists.
It's one thing that I like about journaling - the fact that most often here, I'm sharing - and saving - the tiny joys in my life - the things that happen on a daily basis that make me smile, and that make me think. I don't need any help remembering the upsets - those, my brain will hold onto of itself.
So far, I'm only up to 15/16, and I totally skipped the years between 13 and 15 - ever had a book that you LOVED, but had a horrible, sad, miserable episode in the middle that while it ADDED to the book, you only needed to read it once, and the next time you read the book, you skip over that section because you know what happened? Yeah, that's about how I feel about 13, 14, 15.
I fell asleep last night trying to remember as much as I could about those years - the actual details, and not the details masked by the miasma of depression, puberty, and abuse the way they have hidden in the back of my head. It was interesting, the things I remembered that I had forgotten - esp. how many of my 'dream' homes (as in the homes I dream about) are actually bits and pieces of places I've lived in before that I've forgotten.
I still haven't worked up the gumption to write about it - I think a large glass(es) of wine might be required to numb me enough to really write about it. I also haven't continued past highschool - I KNOW I can't until I fill in that gap. *sigh* I might have to write it as fiction, that might be easier.
I'm also - oddly enough - considering sending it to my mother when I'm done. I realized that I really don't know much about my personal history - we don't talk about the past much - and I assume in her mind as well, the joys from those years have faded into the background, and the bitter regrets might be all thats left.
Last night also, as I was falling asleep, Sade's 'Someone Already Broke My Heart' came on.....which is one of her songs that I've been humming and singing for a while - TheBoy and I were making jokes about how all of Sade's songs are DEPRESSING, and that particular song was my example.
I realized though, last night, as I was thinking about my dark years, that it could be a song of hope - someones already broken my heart, and I know that pain, and I lived through it that time, so I'll be able to live through it again.
Then, I wandered into the thought that everytime a heart gets broken, it gets bigger. You can't mend something, without adding a little something extra, even if it's just glue. And that something extra makes your heart bigger, stronger, upgraded, ready to handle the next thing.
I don't want to focus on the fact that my hearts been broken - that's in the past. I want to focus on the fact that I've healed. Even if it's not fully healed, I've started healing. I've taken things I valued, and I've mended my heart. No, it's not the pretty, simple, smooth heart of a child anymore, but then, ain't no other part of me still childlike, why should my heart be any different?
And in the fact that I've healed - I've proven I can heal. I've proven that no matter how horrible the heartbreak, I might want to die, but it won't kill me. I know that if my heart is broken, I'll mend, and I'll move on, and I'll grow.
In turn, that means I don't have to fear heartbreak. It'll hurt, yeah, but I'll be okay, really. And without fear, I can go further - I can push down at least one of the bricks in the walls that segment me, knowing that I don't NEED it. My hearts not some fragile, unproven thing. She's (we've) been through some pretty rough spots, and we are all the more for it. And the next rough spot - though I might want to die in the midst of it - it'll make me more, just as the joyful spots that seem to fade away have made me more, as well.

I want to include two poems in my biography as well.....I think they fit the - interesting - times I've lived in. I kinda wanna rework both of them - the first one is almost 9 years old, and the second one is 8? 7? something like that - and while I still like them, they don't catch me the way I want/need them to.

And yeah, dragon stories are still bubbling away on my back brain burner. 9000 words? I can bang that out in a day, but a GOOD 9000 words? *sigh*
I think I'll start writing, again.

I've decided to keep track of the little nudges of serendipity that I stumble across, roughly as they happen. It'll be fun to see what sort of joy falls into my lap (new label!)

Sunday (12/30), I'm headed to the recycling center, and I figured I'd swing by Lori's and drop off the forsale sign, since she didn't come to Yule. I'm there, and slightly twitchy as I was ready to get going, but I stayed and chitchatted for a while. I offered to take some stuff to the recycling center for her, and as we are carrying it out to the car, a friend of hers shows up to help fix her computer.
Come to find out, he's a publisher, and has a current submission call open for dragon stories - Lori had already mentioned to him that I was the First Realmer who could write.

So. The deadline isn't until August - I think I should be able to churn out several iterations of a 9000 word story by then, eh?

Last year was the year of the Unseen Transformation - the changes that happen in all the nooks and crannies of your brain that actually allow transformations to happen.

This year, I have decided and decreed, will be the year of the Visible Transformation.

Transformations don't have to be fast - they can be slow and steady, like that turtletype dude who won the race. TheBoy mentioned last night how we've been working towards so much for so long (years, seriously, in ways that are only manifesting themselves now), and I commented that it's not really the speed, it's the movement that counts.

As I walked on the treadmill this morning (one day down, 312 to go!), that thought hit me again - it's not really the speed, it's the movement, the counts. Both in my successes in exercise, and my reduction of weight. As long as I keep moving, I WILL get faster, I WILL get fitter. There's really no other option - as long as I keep moving.

As I start to mull over which of the two lunches I brought for myself that I will eat today - fully aware that both have major 'exceptions' that I am cleaning out of my diet - it's not the speed, it's the movement, that counts.

So often, I forget that, and I feel like I have to fly, fly, fly in order to have claimed achievement. Is my achievement any less great because it took two months rather than two weeks? Two years, instead of one? Not at all - it doesn't change the impact of my success, it merely shifts the timeline. Now, if there is a set deadline (I don't think the IRS would be down with my movement not speed concept) - that's a different story.

But honestly, how many things in life REALLY have a fixed deadline that achievement is DETERMINED by? Heck, even the IRS offers extentions! I think so many of the deadlines that we impose on ourself are artificial, and just a source of more added stress. If we could focus on the journey - honoring every step (esp. the slow and hard ones!) and KNOWING that the steps we are taking will lead us to where we need/want to be - I think so many things would be - not easier, but more peaceful. More calm.

At least that's how I think it would work with me. It's a release of impossible control. I can't determine how long it takes me to lose weight - all I can do is do the things I need to be doing in order to lose weight. I can't determine how long it will take me to get pregnant - all I can do is so the things I need to be doing in order to have optimal fertility. I can't determine how long I'll be working - all I can do is do the things I need to do in order to make my job less soulsucking and to get us to a point where I don't HAVE to work.

Being the controlfreak that I am, the choice (and it's a choice I've reminded myself of at least four times, today alone *lol*) to really examine what I'm trying to control/wrassle/make fixed and honestly decide whether I can truly control the output, is.......interesting, to say the least. It's a little less scary than I thought it would be, as I'm now even more focused on controlling the INPUT (which ya know, I actually CAN mostly control) and letting the output come as it may.

So. That's what this year has taught me so far.

What've you learned?

Move that ass....

http://www.fishgodeep.com/
http://www.rogersanchez.com/portal/
http://www.enmixed.com/
http://mundozhoya.blogspot.com/
http://albumsandsets.blogspot.com/
http://revista-chill-lounge-house.blogspot.com/

So, I've been bugging folx for links to good, body moving, hardcore house music that I can work out to - this is the list that I have so far, and I think - maybe - that I might start subscribing to podcasts. *sigh*

That however, would require me to keep my PC hooked up to the net, wouldn't it? Or would it just gather the podcasts when I tell it to? Hrm, I'll have to check that out.

Anyhow, I wanted to save this list.... someplace easily accessible - and share it, as well.

Time rolls ever on
crashing and cascading
over the cliffs of destiny.

I stand here
in the swirls
glacier mountain beach
created, born, dying
and recreated again
in the span of a breath

I rejoice in the
dance of creation
giving birth to
destruction

And step forward
in time.