10:03

I'm allowing myself to get ancipatory enough to want to start making notes.

Yesterday afternoon, I had this prickly pinching sensation in my lower pelvic area - and today my temp dropped. Implantation dip? If I O'd at that last low dip point, this would be 7dpo, which would be perfect for implantation.

If it keeps going down, I'll be pretty certain that AF is coming. If it goes up - well.

Well.

I would be testing stupid early (like, late next week) if it goes up. According to FF, I would be testing on the 13th, but - hrm, nope, wouldn't wait.

So. And, I've had this odd patch of hive like bumps on my left hand almost all week - they seem to be fading back into my skin a bit now - but odd, all the same.

10:07

12:24

Moodswings, how I hate you.

I'm too sensitive - I want to scream, cuss and cry over what is going on at CPP. How can so called grown women be SO FUCKING BITCHY and immature??? JESUS! Step outside of yourself and think about whether what you are doing is for the good of the whole, and not just a clitstroke to your own sense of righteous fucking satisfaction.

Seriously, is it really that hard to be fucking generous? Even if not with your talent, then with your time? GotfuckingDAMN.

And I'm moodswinging like a mad monkey, which means that my period should be showing up in a week or two, for fucks sake. Or at least I hope so, considering this was a totally annovulatory cycle, and dammit I don't WANT to go to a doctor.

And it's only been four months, and I'm ALREADY tired of trying to get pregnant. Fuck it all, it should be so damn easy. I think I want to get some reiki to be sure that my meridians are flowing and shit. I so wanted this to be EASY. But nooooo, of course not, I have to work for this just like for everything else.

I did I mention that I am SO fucking over work. I can't stand these people, I can't stand this place, I don't like what I'm doing, and I think I'm going to actively start looking for another team to move to. I'm sick of the petty shit, tattling, and general assholishness that goes on here, and yeah, I might have to deal with the same shit different day on a new team, but at least the shit would be NEW.

*stabs the world*

And I need a fucking cigarette which means I've gotten myself hooked AFUCKINGGAIN and which also means after I go through this last pack I HAVE to stop buying them for at least a month - period.

Fuckitall.

12:39

I am so over....

work.

I know it's just a bit of the post vacation blues, but I REALLY wish these people would just bugger off and leave me alone.

Orlando was wonderful....I read, laid out by the pool, or chilled semi-naked on the balcony all week. We went out like twice, I went to the beach once, and we almost made it to Universal Studios on a free pass, but it started raining. Oh, darn!

I'm so ready to win the lottery.

I read all the Harry Potter books (no spoilers here) and I actually enjoyed them. Not sure why I disliked them so initially, but, I think I'll buy them all, now.

And that's it.

I just had to bitch for a hot second.

:lol

Who, Me?

Funny sometimes, how things pile up, one on top of the other, trying to encourage me/plant a solid foot in my ass.

So, yesterday, as I'm driving to First Realm class, there are these huge, fluffy, gorgeous clouds in the sky, and it took me back to being a little girl, and wanting to learn how to paint. I had a book that had those same huge, fluffy clouds in it, and I tried - oh, how I tried for WEEKS to get the color shifts just right, and tried to mimic the glow of the sun and the sheerness of the clouds, and I ended up with a white/blue/yellowish-grey mess. I think right around then might have been the time that I convinced myself I had about as much artistic talent as a brick.

Over the years, I've tried other things - and largely, they ended up being just other bricks - other failures, other perfectly shining examples of just how unartly/uncreative/unskilled I was.

I've built up a wall - a rather nice sized one too, around my own creative energy. I had help - oh, I won't claim that I did this all by myself! - and it's been - safe. It's been comfortable, telling myself that it's okay not to try, because failure is the most likely result.

And of course I'm going to fail! I don't really think I can succeed with that brick wall - or, at least not my current definition of success (which I have no clue of what it is!).

I get to class, and my teacher almost immeadiately starts asking me if I ever considered writing professionally - based solely on a (in my mind) slapped together paper that took me all of a day and a half to complete, that she RAVED over. It was - honestly, it was possibly the most emphatic 'Holy Shit, Woman, you're GOOD!' I've ever gotten on something I've done - ever.

And - looking forward down & through the years, I know that once I start staying at home, and once I get into the groove of being at home, I'm going to want to start writing. At that point, I will have no reason to NOT write. At that point, the 'roadblocks' that I've had to writing will be gone. Yeah, I'll be dealing with a whole NEW set of roadblocks, but in my mind - those will be energizing ones, not draining ones. And that time is getting closer and closer - whether I'm knocked up right now or not, I soon will be, and - *deep breath*

My teacher also happens to be part owner of a publishing business.

So. Yeah.

I found that whole series of events - interesting, to say the least. What will I do with it?

I don't know.

But I think the mortar is starting to powder.

miscellinia

“Oh ye Egyptians, they may say to you that I have not made an expedition hither for any other object than that of of abolishing your religion, but tell the slanderers, but I have not come to you except for the purpose of restoring your rights from the hands of the oppressors.”

- Napoleon Bonaparte July 2, 1798

“Our armies do not come into your cities and lands as conquerors or enemies, but as liberators. It is the hope and desire of the British people, and the nations in alliance with them, that the Arab race may rise again to greatness and renown among the peoples of the earth.

- Sir Frederick Stanley Maude, Commander of British Forces in Baghdad, March 19, 1917.

“Unlike many armies in the world you came not to conquer, not to occupy, but to liberate.”

- Don Rumsfeld, speaking to US troops, April 2003

---

---

I had to write a paper in four days (well, I HAD a month and some change, but opted to wait til four days before it was due to start working on it), and that sparked, I think, my first return to MY world. *lol*

Anyhow, I'm reading again. I'm balancing three books now (one car, two home), and I'm seriously considering getting the Harry Potter set, and reading that. Right now, I'm reading Misconceptions, and it's sad, scary, amazing, enlightening, absorbing, and terrifying all at once.

Any ideas of something new to add to my library?? I'v been on a mad bookbuying spree for a while (how I love thee LibrarySale! How I adore your variety, BookCloseOuts.com!)

---

Tis a Gaia goddess pendant, handblown by a wonderful artist friend of mine. I've been wearing it for the last two months, we've (I've?) been trying to get pregnant for the last four. I'm finally ready to mention it - publically - so to speak.

It's possibly the most - nerveracking thing I've ever done in my life, and I'm trying to not obsess about it everywhere. OD is my almost only babyfree area, and - I kinda want to keep it that way. This is for ME. When I was a preteen, I wrote to create my own space - my own identity separate from my mother and fathers child. When I was a teen, I wrote to help me understand and explore the woman I was growing into. As I woman, I write to ground me in myself, and to give me free room and space to explore and grow. As a mother, I KNOW I will need a space that is mainly for me - a space where I can still be just A'ishah - not Mom. That's one of the main reasons I sprung for a lifetime membership while I knew we could afford it - I NEVER want to have to chose to give up my safe space because of financial tightness. If OD goes under, I've got my backups, and I'll make a blog, and I'll miss you all dearly.

So. It's out there. But don't expect to hear much - directly. :lol At least not HERE.... I might be throughly Eve&Eve and make another diary. But honestly? I doubt it.

At least for now. ;)

As I've learned/learning, what I'm certain of changes almost from day to day.

---

I'm still stretching out my ears too (thanks A!).... my front holes are 6g, and my second holes are being stretched to an 8g as I type.

My collection of earrings is - delightful and wide and I really need to take a picture of them all (once the other three? four? pairs show up *shamefulgrin*). I think I'm going to stop at 6g, seriously. Maybe. *grin*

I want to look into making fimo earrings. My favorite style - the dangles - dont come in very many sizes, and I'm sure I could figure out how to make some GORGEOUS earrings.

It's a thought.

We shall see.

Dinnner's done. ;)

---

A thousand words....

Why must all cucumbers look naughty?

ETA: *LMAO* The keys are there for size reference only - the camera was in C's car, so I had those handy. ;) But something tells me if the cuke WAS going somewhere, well. He would get carded. *LMAO*

 

Because I was feeling all artsy and shit.

The yellow ones hadn't bloomed yet - they were half open when I left yesterday, they should be fully open today, I'm guessing.

I can't remember what color these were supposed to be, but the purple on the edges makes me eager.

 

And it's raining!! Only since I've become a 'gardener' do I really feel the full joy of rain, now. *lol*

 

Life

I feel like I should write. Not for you guys (though I'm certain you're hanging on my every word), but for me.

I feel like I should be taking pictures and singing in the rain and dancing for no apparent reason - like I should be doing these things, you must understand, not that I want to.

I don't want to be at work - only 48 minutes left, and I don't want to come back tomorrow, despite work having been - well, for the job that it is, it's been pretty darn sweet.

My life is dull, I think. It's wonderful and it's peaceful and it's lovely and it's occasionally (more frequently than I would like to admit) lonely, but - in general - it's dull.

No. Dull isn't the right word. It's dull like the ocean on a still day. It's dull like a perfectly cloudless sky. It's dull like a dead tree, carved and sharpened by sand.

The little things perk me up - like C bringing home meatloaf, or finding the perfect pair of earrings or hearing my favorite song.

And it's not like it's a rut either. And for once, I can say it's definitely not limbo.....it's just my life. And perhaps I've gotten to used to it - but I not (looking around for the tricksy hand of the gods) ASKING for it to be shook up, just to be clear. A wee shake-up would be very nice, and much appreciated, though.

I'm going to get a tattoo this weekend, I think.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I realized (in one of those melodramatic flashes of insight), that I'm unbalanced - tattoo wise, and being wise. I - I can't walk that delicate middle line - social, but not to social, open but not too open, wise but not a smartass, silly but focused, eager but cautious. And I want to walk that line - I'm not asking for it to be easy - but I would like to feel a bit less like a drunken sailor.

Anyhow. The only tattoo I have right now is fire.... and to balance it, I'm going to get three more - water, earth, and air. Water is going to be my next one - perfectly balancing fire (which is on my right hip) by being on my left hip. After that, I suspect me & C might finally get our 'matching' tatts, if I can ever finish designing them.

Then Earth, low on my back, right over my spine. Then Air, on my shoulders.

I don't know how long it will take me, but I know it feels enourmously right. I got fire first, oh so many moons ago, because I felt like I lacked passion. I've learned, over that time, that I don't lack in passion in the least - I just wasn't trying to bring my passion to bear on the RIGHT things. Now, I feel like I'm ready to accentuate ALL of my aspects.

My hair, she is growing.

My ass, is shockingly enough, staying the same damn size (too large) without me fighting to keep it there. Even MORE relieivingly, my 'stable' weight is ten pounds LESS than it used to be. Go figure. We have almost finished putting together the fitness room - I need to order another packages of matting, and we need some fans and an A/C unit, and then I can start working on reducing the size of my ass.

My garden, she is growing like wild things - the cukes and the pumpkins are plotting on how to take over the world, the sunflowers are taller than me, the strawberries are finally producing (though, I don't think I like them, and might buy a new strain next year) the peppers are moving slow, and all of the tomatoes I PLANTED flipped me the bird - but a volunteer from LAST year showed up. It is green, and glorious, and dear god, I'm never going to want to eat another cucumber again.

(left side is pumpkins, right side is cukes). At least I can freeze pumpkin puree.

C is doing wonderfully, working his ass off and his heart out and really making that hotel BETTER. And he loves every minute of it. We've been together for almost seven years, and it feels like barely the blink of an eye. We still ain't perfect, but I never even pictured we would be this close to it.

The FatCat is still ruling the roost - though we think he encountered a snake a while ago, as he was skittish as all get out - he damn near levitated when I shifted the hose suddenly, and he's met a dog (and learned that the tops of cars are wonderful places to hide, much to C's dismay) but he still thinks he's the shit. And of sweet heavens, he's shedding like a..... like a.... like a double coated cat in 90+ degrees temps who spends equal amounts of time outside and in an unairconditioned house, and if I ever get into the yarn/spinning thing, I could totally make a sweater. A full body sweater.

The house... well. This has been the last thing we've worked on.

Going from this:

to this:

One thousand, four hunded, and twenty, if you were wondering how many books there were. And I still need/want/crave/desire more. I've come out of the book dragon closet, and I'm proud, dammit.

So. See? It's life. It's quiet, and peaceful, and comfortable and calm, and as much as I dance on the edge of wanting a sudden squall to sweep there - I'm happy - really happy - as it is.

How YOU doin'???

Between Buddaphlyy and Just_Isabel I might actually update on a regular :laugh:

And WHY must there be hair drama? *shakeshead* This is one of the reasons why I went *poof* for a while - there was so MUCH drama (con.stant.ly) on another hair board that I was/am on, that I just got sick of hair... :laugh: or at least sick of others peoples ISSUES with hair. *sigh*

Anyhow - checked the freezer last night, and I have a whole POUND of FNWL henna still in powder form, so YAY! for that.

I've managed to not buy anything new on eBay yet - I'm drooling over some stone dangles at Kona. *sigh*

Well, it's been a NICE little while since I last updated. As usual, I'll start with hair, and move to holes.

My hair is - it's amazing, really. It's slowly turning into something - someting wonderful. It's growing (man, is it growing!) but more importantly, it FEELS happy. I was just reading my last journal entry, and realized that this weekends henna is supposed to be a henna/coconut/lime mix - hrm, that should be interesting. I can't remember if I left any henna powdered, like I was supposed to! *slaps forehead* I'll go home tonight and check.

Okay - pictures!

February to June comparison:



I posted this in my photo journal, and several people commented that it looked thicker and shinier (and obviously longer) and it IS. It's MUCH thicker - I'm not sure if it's just as it gets longer, it 'poofs' more, or what - but it's WAY thicker than it was - but it still compresses down to about nothing. It's also shinier - that, I assume is the combination of continual henna'ing and jsut general improvement in it's overall health.
When it's wet, it's - wavy - really, and it LAYS DOWN. I'm sure KeenKitty will talk about me flashing again ( :laugh: ) but I'll have to take a fresh out of the shower picture jsut to show what I'm talking about - hrm, I think I'll do a before/after picture this weekend for the HLC treatment.

It's also gotten ALMOST long enough (if I twist right on the edge of my crown) that I can put my hair into two flattwists down either side of my head. I haven't been able to do that since I cut the last of the bleach/dyed hair out.
It's interesting, because the nape hairs don't seem INSANE long anymore - but they aren't SHORTER than they used to be, the rest of my hair has just caught up.

Hrm. I ran out of the Creme of Nature stuff that I had been using in my hair, and forgot to pic up a new container, so desparate, I broke into the Hair Souffle that I had tried before and hated. I don't remember WHY I hated it (I'll have to scan back and see if I talk about it) but it ROCKED on my hair Sunday. I have two WHOLE containers of it, and it's rich, so I only need to use a little bit, so if my hair seems happy when I take it down this weekend, I'll continue to use that.

*thinks* What else, what else? I'm starting to see breakage again, and I think it might be the MTG I was putting in my mister - so I'm stopping that once I empty out the last of this mister bottle (tomorrow or Thursday, I'm sure). The breakage isn't NEARLY as bad what I was getting before, and I've noticed that if I don't 'swish' my hair around (I take it out, comb it straight back, condition it straight back, dentangle straight back, and then twist/braid as needed) it stays MUCH less tangled, and seems happier, in general.

Or, it could be that I've skipped my protien treatments the last two months - hrm, maybe my hair is getting TOO soft. I need to read back and see my logic for determining when my next HLC treatment would be - as to me, that works as an INTENSIVE protien treatment. I think doing it every other month - even skipping the week 3 protien treatment, might be overkill. *Thinks*

Month 1 - HLC/no protien
Month 2 - henna/no protien
Month 3 - henna/protien
Month 4 - henna/no protien
Month 5 - HLC/no protien

Hrm - that's kinda spread out - I would only do a HLC twice a year on that schedule - I think I wanted to it it every 3 months..... I'd much rather do that treatment, and just totally dump the week 3 protien treatment, and replace it with something else.
Hrm. I've also been kinda 'skimping' on the clarifying on week 4 - I REALLY don't use much in my hair (though, I've started back with the Burnt Sugar this week, so I'll definitely need to clarify) - so I haven't felt the need to 'strip' my hair. If anything, I've mixed a wee bit of BS with my conditioner, and run that through my hair RIGHT before I henna.

So, if I dump the protien treatment it would be -
Week 1 - Henna
Week 2 - Deep conditioner (Still in love with the Elasta - though, I've started 'craving' something new.....)
Week 3 - ????
Week 4 - Clarifying, if needed, otherwise another DC

and

Month 1 - HLC
Month 2 - Henna
Month 3 - Henna
Month 4 - HLC

Hrmm.. moisture/protien balance is the crucial thing. I don't want to over moisturize (and shockingly enough, I think my hair is getting to the point where that MIGHT be a possibility) and I KNOW my hair gets grumpy REAL quick if I over protein. Hrrrm.
Maybe I'll start experimenting with various herb washes/treatments on Week 3 - that might be fun.

I totally stopped using the Lenzi's Request - *shrug* it jst seemed to be more of a headache than it was worth. I has started using the MTG I got in a swap - shaking up the bottle, dipping a qtip into it, and just dabbing alng my hairline. I did that for about three weeks, didn't see any change, and was like - screw it. So, that's that for the topical treatments - I'm so happy to see my hair GROWING, that the speed is - eh. It'll happen as it happens, ya know?

*LOL* I have flyaway hairs that are long enough to get into my EYES when I'm driving - not many, mainly from that odd section of hair right behind my ear, but it's throughly amazing and amusing all the same.

[b]Okay! Holes! [/b]

I've stretched up to 6g! The jump from 8 to 6 has been the MOST painful one - my left ear seemed okay with it, then it went all wonky, my right ear was PISSED from the start, and once the left ear went wonky, decided it was satisfied and healed totally in like two days. :eyeroll: Anyhow! I'm wearing 'small' 6g's in my ear now - lemme see if I can dig up the pic... Ah! Found it!

I call them small 6's because of the way they taper in the middle - I liked that, because I figured it would help keep them in my ears at night (snort, that TOTALLY doesn't work - I still wake up every morning missing at least one), but I know my ears can ACCOMODATE a 6g, because I have to slide the 'thick' bit through to get there.
I LOVE these - they are heavy and curly curvy, and just lovely.
I still have 10g in my second holes - I'm debating taking them up to an 8g - but I'd have to find SMALL earring to go there. I had a perfect set of spirals, but one got sucked into a black hole in my bedroom somewhere (I went to bed wearing two, woke up wearing one, and haven't been able to find it since) so my second holes are mismatched - but I don't mind - it's funky. And, it gives me a way to use that non-mirror image set of short helixes I got - a spiral in one ear, and a helix in the other.

I'm itching to buy some new 6g stuff - I've experimented with horn earrings, and I really don't like them - at least the ones I've had - because they are too LIGHT. I like the feel of something substanial dangling from my ears - it makes me feel grounded.
I want to try some wood, but I suspect they will feel too light too.

And I think I'm ALMOST ready for a set of goddesses. Oooohhh. But, I msut go a wee bit more ebay crazy, first. :laugh:

I thnk that about wraps it up... I'mREALLY going to try to be better about posting/hanging out here - it's just that truly - besides the CONDITION of my hair - nothing's changed. I've hit that wonderful place where stuff WORKS, and I know what to do when it DOESN'T work, and - :grouphug: I really owe MOST of that to the wonderful folx here.

Thanks ya'll, on the real.

10:25

Sick.

Nervous.

In shock.

Scared.

It's not the OMG/happy/joyful feeling that I expected.

It's - shit, I'm shocked. Amazed. Astounded. All of these emotions swirling around, and none of them that I can look at and peg - happy.

Holy Fuck, I'm pregnant. Or, at least that's what this faint pink line is telling me. 3 cycles, and I'm still not ready. Or, maybe I am ready, but I just don't believe, just yet? Or, maybe I'm afraid that it's a chemical, I'll have a miscarriage, the baby will be deformed.....something.

One. Tiny. Fucking. Line, and my whole world has gone 'atilt'. And..... I don't know how I feel about that.

I'm not telling C until Sunday - Happy Fathers Day, Love!

I wanted to know before I told him, so that I could - come to grips with this. My life as I've known it is going to change radically at some point in Late Feb. And I'm terrified. It's going to change to the life I think I want - the life I've been telling myself I want - and I'm SCARED.

That's what it is. The joy and the celebration, and the OMG!!! YES!! is cloaked by this level of fear - will I be a good momma? Will I really be happy at home? Will we be in the poorhouse by June? I'm scared shitless, and it's a gray cloud hiding the sun of......

And it's so damn faint - hopefully it will get darker, and darker, and darker. Though, it IS only 11DPO. So.

Oh my god.

I'm pregnant.