*happy dance*

Isis very gracefully gave me permission to use her siggy pic - this is what I'm hoping that my hair looks like at SOME point - this is about my color, and I suspect that this will be about my texture - even without chemicals - once it's THAT long, and wet.

Isn't that jsut LOVELY?? *sigh* I've got so far to go. But, like I tend to say - I'll either be older or dead - and if I'm going to be older, I might as well work towards being the woman (inside AND outside) that I really WANT to be.

It's amazing how my twists go from mildly fuzzy to VERY fuzzy in a matter of hours - I think it's the water rinse that I do every day to 'freshen' them up after sleeping on them. They looked rather nice yesterday morning when I left the house, but by 3pm, I wished that I had a hat or a scarf or SOMETHING to cover them up. I suspect that no-one else noticed (or cared) but I felt like everyone was staring at my head and wondering why I left the house looking like I had been plugged in all night.
Anyhow, I got up a WEE bit early this morning (ugh! another reason to hate DST - my biorhythms are thrown off for at LEAST a month) and untwisted my twists - then got them wet so that they didn't look totally crazy. It's really interesting - my hair held the twist AMAZINGLY well - esp. since I normally can't get it wet without losing the 'twist' curls. My hair looks like I did tiny strawset curls on it - almost like twists, but SO Much fuller - I can almost pull off thick hair with this style - it looks like I doubled the amount of hair on my head. *sigh* I'm going to go and change my hair thickness to ii as well - *sniffs and strokes hair* I'm aiight with it though, I am, I really am. I think that twists will be a once a month hairstyle though - my ends are SOOO not protected in this style - I've found more fairy knots since I've had twists in than a little bit - and I've Oyined my hair twice while they were in the twists - but since I didn't do my usual Wednesday night DC - I can definitely feel the difference - and after wearing it totally loose today - I'm thinking about doing something mild to it tonight (maybe misting it, and giving it a good oiling) and then doing my usual weekend wonders tomorrow night.

Hmmm - it's only Thursday, but I'm already thinking about hair plans for the weekend. I've been reading reviews of Humectress on LHCF and I think that I'm going to try out the sample bottle I have - but I'm undecided as to whether I should use it as a leave-in, or as a conditioner. Henna is also starting to call my name - Kiyyyaaa - oh, Kiiiiyyyyaaa - it's been five weeks already - come and useeeeeee mmeeeee!!! You can just put me on your eeeennnddddssss *shakes head firmly* I'm quite stubbornly ignoring it - SIX weeks. SIX, dangummit. But even when I do use it, I'm going to just glop it onto my head, and not bother with using the applicator bottle to be sure that I get to my roots. After the freaky splits, I think that my hair was telling me that in it's NATURAL state, it's QUITE strong enough (ThankyouVERYmuch) and doesn't need anything to make it stronger, so THERE. Whereas my poor bleached/dyed/knotted ends need everything they can get in order to stay attached to the rest of my head.

I've been dousing my head with my CASH oil/CASH creme (the oil, mixed with a healthy few dollops of the Honey Gel I made before) almost everynight this week...it doesn't tingle much - and I used a LOT of cayenne. I'm thinking I might need to invest in some EO - though, some of the gals over on LHCF have been talking about *LOL* basically rubbing IcyHot on their hair....the capsizin creme that they sell for muscle aches? I've heard of all sorts of uses for that creme (including some rather naughty ones) but NEVER hair growing.........hrrrm. I'll have to think about that one. I wonder if my hair has gotten used to the tingle, as other sections of me (like the back of my neck) tingle QUITE nicely, thank you very much.

*LOL* That reminds me - one night earlier this week I had the ODDEST series of hair-related (and TLHC related, really) dreams. First, I dreamt that I had gotten a private message from icydove telling me that my SHT decided that she didn't want to be my friend because I wanted to have kids and she was barren and she just couldn't handle talking to me (and I don't even TALK about TTC all that much cuz - well, we aren't really TRYING just yet).
Then, I dreamt that I went to my favorite thrift store, and they had gotten in this HUGE shipment of hair oils/EO's/hair toys, and I was buying up most of the store for gifts for my SHT.
Mind you, this had to be some way out point in the future, because I had a HEAD of hair - I have one of those 'does my bun look fat in this' buns - and my hairsticks kept falling out, and the people in the store thought I was stealing stuff because I kept sticking my hairsticks back in, and my hair was eating them and then spitting them out later.
*blinks*
I'm going to incorporate that WHOLE last bit of that dream sequence into my NanO somehow - hair toy eating hair... yes, yeeessss.

Urm. *thinks* There was something else that I wanted to type about....ah yes!! I've found my hair goal - I've seen her here and over on LHCF - and I want to ask her if I can yoink her siggy pic so that I can post it here as my ultimate hair goal. Everytime I see her hair I just - I WANT it, basically. It's a wild wonderful wooly cloak of goodness. Actually, I think I will PM her now.....

buhbye!

If you don't like creepycrawly things....

run far, far, far away  - and run now.

Okay - you can read this part first... then run.  Mwuauaauauahhhhaaa!!

So, right - I had just gotten home from work, working out, and stopping to see my hubby at work so that I could pick up our house keys, as I had locked myself out of the house.....

Anyhow!! I was sitting back, kicking it, doing a lil work when I saw something crawling across the floor. Mind you, I was a good 3-4 feet away (sitting on the couch and all) and I could SEE that this sucker was hairy. Now, thanks to A, my Nashville friend who's dad was an entomologist (dude who studies bugs), I've been slowly overcoming my - general squickishness/stomping urges - towards anything with more than four legs.

So - I got the bright idea to not only capture this crawling creature in a container (the better to release to the wild, you know) but also to photograph it, so that I could actually look it up on What's That Bug, and you know, educate myself - because as I like to tell my clients (client) - ignorance breeds fear. I got up and looked for a container (with a lid) and ended up with a jelly jar - a glass jelly jar. I took the lid off, and laid the jar on it's side, and tapped the lid on the floor to encourage the little (relatively speaking) bugger to run into the jar. After catching it - I admit, I slammed on the lid, and waited for him/it to calm down a bit (ie, stop trying to escape by climbing the walls of the jar). Eventually it/she calmed down enough (or got sick of sliding down the side of the glass) to stay still, and I realized that taking a picture of something small and dark in a glass container with a flash was a very, very bad idea. I ended up creating a mini lightbox with the strategic placement of a flashlight, and many many bad words and heartstopping moments when I thought it was going to levitate out of the jelly jar through pure irate pissedoffedness.

I had used What's That Bug previously to identify a Golden Garden Spider (also known as a St. Andrews Cross Spider for the distinctive 'cross' that their HUGE long legs form) that was kicking it outside of my front door - HUGE spider. HUUUUUGGGGEEEE. But - ya know, non-poisonous, bugeater, and really - pretty as hell, all yellow and white and black and decorative. Now - this current bugger (hehehe) wasn't really all that cute. In fact, it/she was really the sort of thing alien monsters are made of. In fact - it had a freaking SKULL on it's back. Yeah. Think I'm crazy?? (this is your last chance to run)....

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See the skull? Okay, okay, maybe it WAS a face - but I'm just saying!!! Big! Hairy! do you see those JAWS!!! And, as I was taking pictures (many many pictures - though, I didn't mind too much, as I  finally figured out how COOL the digital macro function on my camera is), he/it eventually stopped moving around, and stood in one spot, and STARED at me. You see those little buggy eyes? Seriously. It was coming up with different ways to grow much, much, MUCH, larger and eat my head.

Finally, I got a few good pictures (and just as my battery was dying too) and I carefully put the lid back on (because just because it had been tame for so long was no indication of its future domesticity) and went onto the front porch and tossed it out of the jar and into the bushes by the front door.

I know, I know - spiders don't have memory, but I insist in believing that if I treat the spiders right (releasing rather than killing, consiously avoiding webs, commenting on how pretty the Golden Gardens are) then they will treat me right and not lay eggs in my ears.

So, once it was safely outside (and the doors were locked) I investigated, and discovered that it's some sort (most likely ground dwelling) of North American Jumping Spider. Can I briefly comment on how GLAD I am that this badboy did not JUMP while I was sitting the camera on top of a barely 2 inch high jelly jar to take pictures???!!??? *fans self* I've never fainted, but I may have screamed, scrambled backwards, fallen over the couch and cracked my head open. Though, checking Wiki it says that the jumping spiders can USUALLY climb glass rather easily - so, I don't know. Wiki also comments on the fact that the little buggers will WATCH you (they are thinking about eating your head, I SWEAR!) so - maybe it is.

Since that's an actually pretty darn good picture - I'm considering submitting it to What's That Bug, and seeing if they can pin down the genera (over 500) and specied (over 5000).

As soon as my skin stops doing the creepy crawlies.

And ya know, I'm the one who WANTED to live in the woods. Ummhmmm.

All I'm saying is - the humans run the INSIDE of the house, ya'll run the OUTSIDE of the house. Take care of the mosquito problem, and we might be able to share the carport/garage.

I Will Not.....

be self defeated. I will not expect things to happen instantly. I will not allow not seeing the success that I want now to give me a reason to give up - if I give up, I'll NEVER see the change that I want. 

Instead, I'm going to challenge myself more. I'm going to push a little further, a little harder, a little stricter. 

I'm seriously - sweet mother of god - seriously considering going back on Atkins.  At this point, I feel like I have the physical activity side DOWN - I'm working out at LEAST 3 times a week (on a bad, bad week) and at BEST 5 days a week.  I'm doing cardio AND weightlifting. I'm - I'm doing that right. 

Eating, on the other hand? Meh! Gah! Ugh!  I'm eating SO horribly - I'm eating REGULARILY - which is certainly a change from how I normally ate, but WHAT I'm eating? *shudder* I hang my head in shame, seriously. And - okay, maybe I don't need to go as strict as Atkins, but I HAVE to set up a 'plan' around food.  It's so much easier for me to exclude than it is to include - which isn't a good thing, but it's me. 

Umm... I need to copy this rant/thought stream on working out/losing weight here - it gives a general view of how I'm feeling.... 

---

 My ass is still - wide (hah! it hasn't been not-wide since I was 6!) but - I'm actually starting to ENJOY working out more. I can't say that I look FORWARD to it - there's always a little debbil sitting on my shoulder, asking me in sweet sweet tones whether I would really PREFER to go home and crash on the couch and burn my brain away with television - but once I get there, and once I get changed - it's - it's - good. I'm enjoying challenging myself (dammit! forgot to bring in the 8 pound weights from home!), seeing myself progress (I did 40 minutes on the treadmill Wednesday - and not 40 lesiurely minutes either - 40 sweaty, heartpoiunding, felt funny walking once I got off the treadmill and sucked down a bottle and a half of water minutes - and I felt GOOD - 2 months ago, I was sucking wind through 12 minutes!) - but..... I'm not seeing the changes in my body that I want to. Now, I KNOW that because I'm doing some serious weightlifting, that I'm going to get bigger before I get smaller, and I'm going to gain weight before I lose it, and I'm NOT doing this to see instant results - I'm doing this to be better and faster and stronger....but all I'm saying is that when I get measured week after next, if I haven't lost at LEAST 2 inches overall (which ain't much - really, that ain't much at all) I'm going to leave, buy an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's, and eat it with delighted, luxorious slowness - and then, take my ass right back to the gym to the next day.
The thing that scares me - the real devil lurking in the back of my head - is that the reason that the weight is creeping off so very very slowly is that there is something 'wrong' with me - PCOS, hypothyroidism, pre-diabetes, and that I'm simply sick, and I'll never be able to get knocked up without many rounds of fertility drugs and I'll be fat ALL MY LIFE.
But then, I have to remind myself - I'm SO not eating as cleanly (or as much protien) as I should be, and that I didn't gain it all in 2 months (more like 20 years) (okay, okay, 10 years), and I'm not going to lose it all in 2 months, and I can't be impatient because it's a slow gradual thing, and because most of my clothes are sacks anyway and I haven't worn pants in months (I've worn pants twice since it's gotten colder and they feel - ODD on me) so I don't haveany thing with a 'tight' waistline to compare my waistline too because I'm still too fat to even dream of trying on any of my skinny clothes and therefore I could be changing and I wouldn't even know it because the scale LIES and.......................
And I have muscles in new places and I can run up and down the steps a couple of times without losing breath and I'm stronger and can open bottles and hammer nails and drive screws without feeling like my hands are going numb and I'm sleeping better and I feel sexier and I think I actually have a metabolism now and it's slow - and it's minor - and I can't see it on my ass (yet) but I know it's coming. It's gotta be coming.

I've never looked forward  to someone wrapping a measuring tape around my ass THIS much before in my life.

nbsp;

I'm late! I'm Late! Nano & Politics

8468 - I'm behind!! (should be 10K by now)  - but I banged out 3K words yesterday, and I'm geared up to do the same today (I have SOUP!) so, I'm not really stressing.  I'm behind cuz I didn't write on Friday, Saturday, OR Sunday - I know, I know. But I hate sitting in front of my computer at home to write, when I could be doing other stuff. Whereas at work, I'm FORCED to sit in front of my computer, so dammit, I might as well write.

No one had died yet, nothing odd has happened yet, but I'm setting it all up.

Um. Um, yeah - OD'ing always suffers, as I feel guilty about writing if I haven't written yet, ya know?

 

---

 

I voted (have you?) and it felt throughly futile. I've lost all - faith in the political/electoral process..... ah, FoxTrot can say it better than I can.

So - yeah. Go vote. And hope that who you want to win, is who is going to win - cuz your vote has  a 50/50 chance of actually MATTERING.

*sigh*

 

New pictures!!

A wet side view - this is about as long as my hair will 'hang' without product or heat.



Here is a side shot of my twists - just wee little things, aren't they?



But - this is how long it REALLY is - I think that I measured my hair a while ago, and figured out that I have about 80% shrinkage. Sheesh.



My hair is about the same length all over - I have 'natural' layers.....

So - those are the latest pictures!!

So - I twisted my hair up - it took me four hours - laregly because I was moving slower than molasses, and secondly because I did some TEENY TINY twists - I don't know WHAT I was thinking.

Okay, really, I wasn't thinking - my fingers just automatically 'grab' a certain amount of hair, and that amount tends to result in an itty bitty twist.
Two things I've noticed - it's been what - about a month since I've done two strand twists - and either a LOT more hair is breaking off than I'm realizing - or something I'm taking/doing is changing the texture of my hair.

I'm used to my twists in the back being - meh - the curl isn't as tight back there, so my hair didn't hold the two strand twists very well - but now the whole head is - mehlike. They look thinner overall and longer - not by much, but I'm blaming that on the several chops I did before I decided to start moon trimming - but it's DEFINITELY different, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. *lips quiver* I loved my thick boingy two strand twists - now, they are more spirally, and a little less boingy.

The other thing that I've noticed is that my dyed hair is DISTINCTLY finer than my virgin hair - it's funny seeing how much my twists thin down as they get to the end.
I think that I'll do a twist out at some point in the middle of the week, and then go back to my flat twists (safety! cuteness! simplicity! protection!).

I've been - thinking lately - about my overall apperance. I really really REALLY am not a fashion maven - I like long skirts, and comfy shoes, and fitted but comfy shirts in soft fabrics that let me move, flatter the good and conceal the bad, and can stand up to me twitching, running, getting dirty, and can be tossed in the washer. I'm a simple woman, really I am, and the clothes that give me - twinges of pleasure - tend to be 'old fashioned' clothing - and I think that my hair style is 'old fashioned' (though I did see a picture of me in the SAME hairstyle in college - cracked me up), but I'm so NOT old-fashioned, and it's puzzling me.

I was in desparate need for a new (cheap) pair of shoes, and after the thrift store let me down, I went to a 9.99 shoe 'outlet' - and I swear - it was rows upon rows upon rows of high (and low) class hooker shoes. 3-4 inch heels (and I LOVE wearing heels - just not stilettos!) - bright garish greens and oranges and reds and pinks - and - all I wanted was a simple, sturdy, comfy pair of black shoes. I wouldn't have MINDED a little style, a little flair, but I wanted something classic. And in my floor length skirt, and my flat shoes, and my neatly braided hair - I felt SO out of place - so out of TIME - that I wondered if I was turning into an old woman long before my time, or if these 'fashion' designers simply couldn't satisfy MY needs.

I LIKE being comfortable - but at the same time, I WANT to be - attractive. Now, hubby certainly has no complaints, and I've gotten hit on often enough lately to not be TOO worried about my 'sexual' attractiveness - but I feel - insecure in my personal style, and I just don't know WHY. I think I look good, but I'm worried that other people might think that I look dowdy and barely put together, and considering I usually dont give a figs fart about what other people think of me, I'm not sure why suddenly - it's bothering me.
Hm.

Hair through the years

I'm going to start with a quick history of my hair in pictures (really, I'm procrastinating from doing all of the other stuff that I should be doing), but - if I don't do it now, I'll just keep putting it off.

Anywho!!!


Starting with me as a wee one - isn't that just the cutest afro EVER???




Now, I grew up Muslim - so, I couldn't find ANY pictures of me between birth & high school (when I made the choice to take off the veil) that had me bareheaded. I had hair though - really, I did!

So - we fly through many, many, many years - and I'm back on the scene - with a short, short relaxed hair. I wish I could remember how MUCH hair I cut off to get this style - I'm certain I was beyond shoulder length - but I can't remember how FAR below shoulder, as I got a relaxer, and promptly chopped it all off. So - this is the next picture I have of me - freshman year at college....



I HATED having a relaxer - unless I went through a can of hairspray, and spent at least an hour in front of the mirror with a curling iron, I looked like a wet cat. So, I went with braids instead - at least until my natural hair grew out enough for me to do something with. I was in braids all of sophmore & junior year.



Once my hair grew out enough - I started doing twists.... that carried me through junior & senior year, and the first six months out of college...







This is the point that I get really confused at.... I'm not sure if my hair was REALLY that long, or if I was just treating it SO badly that I made it unmanageable, but - I got sick of dealing with it, and I started locking....

My locks - well, they carried me along well - until I started going crazy and doing the dye thing - which slowly, slowly, slowly, killed my locks - check out this progression from thick and full to thin and stringy.....








*sigh*

So, so very sad. So - I got sick of my dreads, and said - hey! It's been five years - why not try going back to loose hair? So - I slowly, slowly picked my dreads out (rather than cutting them out as most people suggest doing) and a bucket o'hair later



I was a short haired gal again.



Then, I (not having learnt my lesson about dye yet) went bleached blond, and rich red, in a matter of ohh..... five hours?




And, I went back to the twists.

This was REALLY the point at which I started my 'hair journey' you could say - I REFUSED to live in twists, and I also refused to believe that my hair was simply UNMANAGEABLE - so I started hunting around online - and I found - and fell head over heels into - TLHC.....

I started hennaing..... and doing all the other fun stuff I talk about in my journal - and - well, growing it out. Really, I'm just growing out the dyed ends now - I'm cutting them off with the moon just as fast as I can.... so I haven't SEEN any real increase in length - I think I'm cutting it off/breaking it off almost as fast as I'm growing it.

So! I want to take pictures of my hairstyles (and sad attempts at hairstyles), as well as the creeping line of natural colored hair (henna does NOTHING colorwise to my virgin hair), and - hopefully, since I can't really MEASURE my hair because of the intense curliness (I can say my hair is 4 inches long, or that it is 16 inches long - each strand of hair is 4 inches, but then I have a big ole 12 inch head, so..........)

*does happy dance*

Laters ya'll!!!

WHoohoo!!
I finally (FINALLY) put up a photo journal - I'm going to enjoy responding to people on there - I'm glad that the photo side is interactive.
Today has been a V. Good hair day....
I started the day with FINALLY starting to create my CASH oil - the recipie I ended up with was:
1.5 cup coconut oil
1 cup red palm oil
1 cup olive oil
1/2 cup jojoba oil
1 cup cayenne
3/4 cup Amla
1/2 cup Shikakai
1/2 cup henna
I also tossed in the last of the SS Oil, and once I strain it, I'm going to mix in some of my personal scent, as well as a little ylangylang EO to make it smell yummy.
I put it all in the crock pot, and it's been simmering for about 5 hours now - I figure I'll let it simmer for another hour, and then strain it and let it cool.
Now - for what I actually did with my hair - I mixed baking soda & citric acid & water together and let the bubbles subside, then tossed in the last of my KOHumectress and some White Rain in.... gave my hair a good washing and...ooohh!!
How could I forget?? I REALLY started with getting my hair wet in the shower - and combing it out with my brand new bone comb and - I'm in love. The tines on the bone comb are the same size as the tines of my middle sized comb - but it combed through my hair like BUTTER baby - I mean - I was AMAZED - not only by how easy it was to comb, but how much more CONTROL I had because there was no handle. I'm a total, 120% convert to the bone combs - I don't think I will use ANYTHING else in my hair. I don't know if it's the boneness, or the treu seamlessness, or what - but :love:
Anyhow - I washed my hair and scalp with the baking soda/citric acid/conditioner mix, rinsed that out well, and mixed up my deep conditioner of the week.... honey, a couple of tablespoons of the still simmering CASH oil, and more conditioner. Slapped that on the hair, and that's still in....
I think that I will do double strand twists today instead of my usual flat twists - mainly so that I can get a good comparison picture - I figure that two strand twists are going to be my 'baseline' to compare my hair length - it's really the only style that I KNOW is consistent.
Hmmm... . I think that's it for right now.

Colorgenics....(and again, BAAAAAAAAA!)

Haven't even started writing today - naughty, naughty girl. I've been pounding away on a document I need to get done for SWHC that I need to finish at work so that I can print out many many free copies, so - yeeeahhh.

I may be the oddest person ever - really - I get moody for the silliest of reasons - just resentful that things aren't going MY way. *stomps foot*

Why yes, I AM a brat.

But - onto the profile!

---

You are seeking protection against anything which might seem to be exhausting you or tiring you out. It would appear that you are seeking a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance.

Being a likeable person you get on well with neighbours and friends. You don't need anything to 'Rock your boat'. You want to 'love' and to be loved'.

The present situation, not of your making, is forcing you to compromise. You will have to hold back and forgo some of your hopes, dreams and aspirations.

Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature - perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere - but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.

In the past your trusting attitude has often been misunderstood and so you have needed to protect yourself against your tendency to be abused and taken advantage of. As a consequence you possibly adopt an aloof and critical attitude and you are only willing to let your guard down once sincerity and trustworthiness can be assured.

---

Suprisingly on point - esp. in the particular mood I'm in. I'll have to do this again when I'm a wee bit more cheerful. *glares at nothing in particular*

*crunches into chocolate*

And - why! Why! Would you a) give away OLD candy (like stale icky old) for Halloween, and then! THEN! bring the even staler, ickier, leftovers to work to torment your coworkers? I mean damn ya'll - if ya gon give away candy from 2003, at least keep it in the freezer so that it stays FRESH.

Though, I suppose I shouldn't be eating candy ANYWAY - my ass is still - wide (hah! it hasn't been not-wide since I was 6!) but - I'm actually starting to ENJOY working out more. I can't say that I look FORWARD to it - there's always a little debbil sitting on my shoulder, asking me in sweet sweet tones whether I would really PREFER to go home and crash on the couch and burn my brain away with television - but once I get there, and once I get changed - it's - it's - good. I'm enjoying challenging myself (dammit! forgot to bring in the 8 pound weights from home!), seeing myself progress (I did 40 minutes on the treadmill Wednesday - and not 40 lesiurely minutes either - 40 sweaty, heartpoiunding, felt funny walking once I got off the treadmill and sucked down a bottle and a half of water minutes - and I felt GOOD - 2 months ago, I was sucking wind through 12 minutes!) - but..... I'm not seeing the changes in my body that I want to. Now, I KNOW that because I'm doing some serious weightlifting, that I'm going to get bigger before I get smaller, and I'm going to gain weight before I lose it, and I'm NOT doing this to see instant results - I'm doing this to be better and faster and stronger....but all I'm saying is that when I get measured week after next, if I haven't lost at LEAST 2 inches overall (which ain't much - really, that ain't much at all) I'm going to leave, buy an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's, and eat it with delighted, luxorious slowness - and then, take my ass right back to the gym to the next day.
The thing that scares me - the real devil lurking in the back of my head - is that the reason that the weight is creeping off so very very slowly is that there is something 'wrong' with me - PCOS, hypothyroidism, pre-diabetes, and that I'm simply sick, and I'll never be able to get knocked up without many rounds of fertility drugs and I'll be fat ALL MY LIFE.
But then, I have to remind myself - I'm SO not eating as cleanly (or as much protien) as I should be, and that I didn't gain it all in 2 months (more like 20 years) (okay, okay, 10 years), and I'm not going to lose it all in 2 months, and I can't be impatient because it's a slow gradual thing, and because most of my clothes are sacks anyway and I haven't worn pants in months (I've worn pants twice since it's gotten colder and they feel - ODD on me) so I don't haveany thing with a 'tight' waistline to compare my waistline too because I'm still too fat to even dream of trying on any of my skinny clothes and therefore I could be changing and I wouldn't even know it because the scale LIES and.......................
And I have muscles in new places and I can run up and down the steps a couple of times without losing breath and I'm stronger and can open bottles and hammer nails and drive screws without feeling like my hands are going numb and I'm sleeping better and I feel sexier and I think I actually have a metabolism now and it's slow - and it's minor - and I can't see it on my ass (yet) but I know it's coming. It's gotta be coming.

I've never looked forward to someone wrapping a measuring tape around my ass THIS much before in my life.

Okay. I have to get back to this ^($&%$*&%$ $ document now.

Nano count later.... much later, as I might not write til I get home, depending on how the afternoon goes.

*kisses*