J said - I get so lonely....

Okay...I'm strange...I had accepted that long time ago.

The fact that I was different, and somehow outside of everyone else. I accepted that. The fact that I was too odd to fit in.. and too stubborn to change my ways to be more acceptable. I accept that. but...I like people..really I do..yet all the people who are close to me in my heart...are so freaking far away in reality. Most of my friends down here have been dumped.. for various reasons.. such as playing with my emotions... playing with my mind...playing with my money.. none of which I really appreciate. Especially the last...my capricorn heritage really comes out when it comes to my cash flow... *sighs*


I know why I have allways tried to be in a relationship. So I wouldn't be alone.. there would be someonethere who was dedicated to me...a listening ear... a therapist without the bill. I learned quickly that sex for hearing was a good trade...at least as far as worth went. But then these wo/men wanted to be more than an ear.. they wanted to be a crutch...a indispensible part of my life...and I wasn't trying to hear that. So instead, I dumped them. Quickly, and painfully..yet somehow they have always come back...only the early ones are truly gone, and that is more because of a lack of interest on my part than a lack of desire on theirs.


I get so lonely...wanting to talk to someone...needing a kiss..a hug.. a bit of human contact...and I begin to seek it out in the best way I know how..sex. there is always skin to skin and body to body in THAT particular transaction. But I don't want sex...not really at least. I want to be able to distinguish sex from affection. Like i had to learn to distinguish true hunger from boredom and worry.. I want to be able to distinguish a true desire for sex from the desire to be held and loved. And each time I have sex..knowing that sex is not what i want, but instead a set of empty calories attempting to fill another void, I fail to attempt to reach that goal. I feel like I'm an addict sometimes...and other times I wonder why I don't feel worth being loved...and at the same time know that it is all I need.


Sometimes I wonder if I was molested as a child. *frowns* There is a time..and a face that i can remember...when I was around 2 or 3 and when I ask my mother about it, she always avoids the subject. She always says that I'm not remembering him.. but I know that I do. He was her boyfriend.. not for very long.. he was handsome and he smoked...I think. I wish that she would tell me who he was.

Why do I wonder? because.. i feel that there is/was something not right about my obsession with sex. I was always 'playing doctor' when i was around other children my age.. or younger. and I KNEW that it wasn't right.. and I stopped.. but it was such a fascination for me...but why? where did it come from? I want to know..but I'm afraid to ask...if it is true.. how will the knowledge of the fact change me. I LIKE me the way I am...freely sexual and sensual...would the knoledge that I was 'tampered' with change that? would it cause me to withdraw? somehow.. I don't think so...but I want to know. I think...


I have been reading other folx diaries in here, and it seems to me that girl children grow up in a dangerous world...not saying that boy children are much safer, but it seems that everywhere you turn a girl child is crying out from inside of a woman, holding her back somehow...


What do men do when they hurt? DO they cry? do they scream? I wonder why they need to be so strong...is it that for some men that is all they have left? That is the only basition of masculinty that they can still claim as their own?


I'm rambling but it is because I'm confused...I feel like there are so many other women curled up inside of me...whispering and calling out to each other...

'Sister..are you there...sister tell me your tale...sister are you there? '

And then I think.. am I crazy? am I psychic? am I magical? or have I just been reading too much again?

I need a big martini stick to shake up my life...and a soul sister or borther to share it with.


I'm going to My Sister's Room later this week...maybe I will meet someone there...



I get..so lonely...
can't let just anybody hold me

you are the one
that lives in me
my dear
Want no one but you
Sitting here with my tears
All alone with my fears
I'm wondering if I have to do

without you
But there's no reason why
I fell asleep late last night
crying like a newborn child

holding myself close
pretending my arms are yours...
I want no one but you...

(Janet- The Velvet Rope)

J.