4/30/00

*collapses on the floor in a heap & cries*

That is all for today. Thank you, and check back in a bit for the rest of this sad sad story.

Stay awake...umm I mean Jazzed.

FairWeather & Stormy Friends

The events of the past few weeks have really gotten me focused on the subject of friends/friendships. I have to wonder what makes a strong friendship, and what makes an acquaintence. I had noticed that throughout my life, most of the acquaintences come and go, as the situations that have thrown us together come and go. But the friends..they stay. Though I may not connect to them as closely or as frequently as I do my acquaintences, I know who they are.
Two things happened today that reminded me of who my real friends are. The friends that are so close that they have transcended being friends and are now my family. Like blood to me. The first thing was I talked to my 'sista' for almost 4 hours...she called me sounding distruaght as all hell and I called her back around quarter to 2 this morning. She was the only member of the family that I hadn't told about the abortion, and after we talked her issues to death... I tolde her about mine. And out of everybody I told... she was the only one who KNEW exactly what I was feeling. She was in a somewhat similar situation, and she could sympathize with me & counsel me.
She reassured me as far as my own judgement & the like were concerned...and assured me that I had a right to everything that I felt except for any kind of guilt or gullability. The second thing that happened today was that I spent most of the afternoon with an old friend of mine who was in town for a banquet. Even tho I have'nt seen her in ages, we 'talk' (IM) each other on a regular basis and that if nothing else keeps the bond strong, and we fell into the same type of sisterhood that we held before she went away. Now mind you, she isn't quite family...but she sure as HELL is a good friend.
Yet... right now I am sitting in a room full of other women, most of whom I see ona daily basis...and none of them have become any more than acquaintences (except for my sorors). I wonder why? I have looked back over the lifetime of the friendships that I have had, and I haven't found any real connection or similarity that would let me know THIS is why I have managed to keep this person so close to me for so long. The only commonality that each of my friends and my family share...and that is that we are scarily intelligent...amazingly different, African American and totally real. Other than that I have old friends, young ones... straight ones...gay ones...bi ones...male...female...neuter... *laughs* almost any kind of classification that you can place on a human, one of my real friends will fit into it.
I value the friends that I have.
I value the relationships I have.
I value them because I know they reflect on me.
I value these people, and they value me.
We relate to each other as treasures of the heart.

As for the fairweather friends...what they lose in not knowing me...is almost as much as I miss out by not knowing them. But since I treasure myself the way I do...I firmly believe that they miss out on more than they could possibly imagine.

Stay Jazzed.

HeartBreak...completed

I was hoping that he would have something to say. Anything. I have never been one to castaway true friendships, even under circumstances that most folx would consider pure folly. Yet here I was, casting off one of the few friendships I had built since graduating from high school, and I hoped that he would have something to say. Some words of defense or excuse, ANYTHING that would give me a feeble thread to pull on. I wanted him to even claim that I had misunderstood what he had implied through his words & his actions over the past five years, that he had never intended to give me the wrong impression. I wanted him to tell me that I was wrong in thinking that he would stand by me & with me in all things. But he said nothing, and that in itself says so much. So, I guess my understanding was correct. Which means that he consiously & knowingly created a trust of words and actions that, at the point which that trust was being tested by something more major than picking me up some chips from the store...when it was tested by something important and vital... the trust broke & crumbled like it was never there. Talk about a fair weather friend. I always give folx a second chance, but maybe I should stop. Especially when then first chance gets shattered so rudely.
It's not as if I am any more hurt, because in my heart of hearts, I really didn't expect a miracle of maturity to occur. Hope, however, springs enternal.

Stay Jazzed.

HeartBreak begun...

As strange as it may seem… sometimes I actually do miss him. But then I realize that I miss who I thought he was, and I don’t know who he is anymore. My heart & my head tell me that this is the last time I will talk to him. I want to keep a record of this. I need to remember what I felt and why and how he responded. After five years…five very…interesting years, this is all he has to say. *sighs* damn.

MrMan: Hey…
JazzyBelle: Hello…
MrMan: How are you?
JazzyBelle: fine…..
JazzyBelle: did you have something in particular that you wanted to say to me? Or were you just checking to be sure that I was okay?
MrMan: I really want to make sure you were ok and that everything went well....other than that I truly don't know what to say...
JazzyBelle: I'm fine. I have no reason NOT to be fine. as far as everything going okay... I believe it has... I have to go back for a checkup and I will get a clean bill of health then... but from what I feel now... I am fine.
MrMan: I am glad to hear that...
JazzyBelle: hm.
MrMan: yes...
JazzyBelle: I don't want you to think that I am angry with you, cuz I'm not.
JazzyBelle: I'm just disappointed. more in myself than in you though.
JazzyBelle: I LET myself get into a situation that I knew better...and I thought that I knew you well enough to be able to get out of it.
MrMan: thanx....I keep telling myself that you’re not, but part believes you are ignoring me just to punish me
JazzyBelle: so.. my silence isn't because I am angry with you or trying to punish you or I'm depressed.
JazzyBelle: I'm silent because you aren’t who I thought you were, and I’m not sure that I want to know the person that you actually are.
MrMan: and who is that?
JazzyBelle: I don't know.
MrMan: who did you think I was?
JazzyBelle: but so much of what I thought you were all about has crumbled in this little situation.. I don’t know who you really are. and I don’t really have a reason to GET to know who you are. I can’t trust you enough to try.
MrMan: should I not talk to you for while or permanently?
JazzyBelle: we have nothing to say to each other.
JazzyBelle: *shrugs*
MrMan: why do we have nothing to say?
JazzyBelle: okay.... forgive me.
JazzyBelle: I have nothing to say.
MrMan: why?
JazzyBelle: why?
JazzyBelle: there is nothing for me to say.
JazzyBelle: you know... I guess I am still in a bit of shock.
JazzyBelle: you see... I was under this crazy & wild impression (god only knows WHERE I got it from) that you would stick by me through thick & thin, through madness and sadness through everything and it all. And I also had this crazy idea that you valued YOUR children. (after how you acted when T. had her abortion..)
JazzyBelle: so to find out that BOTH of those ideas were wrong... it kinda forced me to reevaluate everything that I ever knew or thought I knew about you.
JazzyBelle: and in that process I realized that all I knew of you was built on trust that you told me what you really felt and who you really were... and for two such large parts of who I was under the impression that I had been told you were to be incorrect... forces me to doubt everything that I thought I knew.
JazzyBelle: and since the two things that I thought I knew and was proved to be wrong in directly impacted on me.
JazzyBelle: I am really not interested in finding out what else could be a misunderstanding.
JazzyBelle: a girl has to draw the line at heartbreak somewhere..ya know?



I waited for two hours. And he had nothing to say to me. Heartbreak…completed

4/28/00

Tumbling (or Rising) .....

*bouncy councy* I am a happy girl today. I have less than a week left of class, I am passing everything, I have a wonderful job lined up, there are people bending over backwards to be sure that I can move as smoothly as possible…and I have friends who love me. What more could a woman possibly ask for?? I am sure that there are some dreadful things lurking about somewhere, but I’d much rather to not even try to drag them up from the dregs of my brain. I know I skipped a day (naughty girl) but I was cross eyed from pain last night and stayed in bed with a hot water bottle. So that is why…. I really am not trying to renig on my deal with myself.

I am trying to figure out how much is a good amount to spend on this ‘shopping’ trip I am making to Indy. I want to stay in a downtown hotel, and I wanted to leave Monday and come back on Wednesday, but the airlines are conspiring against me… so I will be leaving Saturday and coming back Wednesday….that takes close to 400.00 off the ticket price. scary hmm? I am about to call my mommy and get her advice. I thought that she was going to be coming with me for this trip (in fact I KNOW she said that) but she changed her mind so that is cool too…. I guess I shouldn’t bring my mommy along huh? *lol*

I finally finished reading my diaries… and realized that I have finally freed myself from the pull of Little One’s love/hate relationship. I just love him now… but not in the same hopeless puppy dog way I once did. I love him as a brother.. for who he is and for who he will be…nothing else. : ) I think that is the main thing that struck me from those diaries… that and the fact that I have been trying to lose weight since I was 13. *sighs* I REALLY wonder what I will look like at 130 now.. considering I was 155 when I was 13 and had JUST come through puberty. Which means I most likely haven’t weighed 130 pounds since I was 11 or 12. That is scary.

I am enjoying my ‘bookless’ existence. I get more sleep cuz I go straight to bed… I notice what is going on around me more… because I don’t have my nose stuck in anything… I actually feel more in touch with the rest of the world. I have always known that I used my books as an escape mechanism…. but it has only been since I have consiously stopped reading as much as I used to that I realized just how much I used them. The next thing that I want to do is train my self to not read while I eat. That has always been an automatic thing with me.. most likely because I ate/eat alone most of the time. I know however that the problem with that is that you lose track of what you are eating… and that isn’t good.

I feel so much better now than I have felt for a long time. Even with the cramps & the pain, the mental peace and clarity that I have is worth it all. It is saddening to realize just how upset I was… and just how little I realized I was upset until after the abortion. Now that I look back, I realize that there was a lot of school pressure on… but the whole thought of me being pregnant & alone and about to be even MORE alone was totally overwhelming almost all of my thought processes. *shudders* It scares me to think of it now.
Another life lesson that I had heard, but never really paid attention to has been learned through this experience as well.

EVERY MAN THAT I HAVE SEX WITH HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE THE FATHER OF MY CHILD.

I mean subconsiously, yeah that stuck… I knew it but didn’t KNOW it. Now it’s like every man who steps to me (and for some odd reason there have been quite a few) I look at with a whole new eye. They see me as a ‘female’ something to talk up, something to seduce/romance, someone to get to know better, somebody to try to have sex with. I look at them and see someone who could have the potential to change my life without ever really affecting theirs. I see someone who can risk my life and the lives of my children.

And it really changes how I see men. Now… the concepts… can you take care of yourself? Are you truly mature? Are you willing to accept responsibility that wasn’t planned for or expected? Are you a real MAN and not just a tall deep voiced boy? *sighs* It really makes a difference. And then there are the changes that I have to make in myself. Sex has never been a major thing to me… it was always just a little bit of fun… that didn’t have to have anything more involved than fun & games for the both of us. Now…. *sighs* it ain’t all fun and games anymore.

This shit is SERIOUS. I mean…*shakes head* the enorminity of the whole thing is terrifying. Another thing that I noticed in my diaries was that I had an entirely different view of sex when I was younger. I wish I could touch on the point when it changed to how I felt not too long ago. And now… I am changing back to how I felt then. I KNOW/KNEW that I am a very… physical person, a very sensual person. And over the years that has changed into me being a very sexual person… and now I WANT and need to change back into the sensual woman that I was.

I mean… I am raunchy sometimes… and I am slinky sometimes… and aways very sexy…. but it doesn’t mean that I have to fuck. *shakes head* It sounds so simple… but I don’t know… this change is so new.. that I don’t want to send off the wrong signals.. the ones that I have been sending off for so long. I do want to start dating… mainly cuz I NEED to be loved. *shakes head* I have been by myself for so long that I almost managed to convince myself that I was really all I needed. well.. me and my friends. But I think that I am ready for something else… : ) Or it just might be being surrounded by folx who have so much personal & dedicated & devoted love in their lives that now I am feeling the lack. I have the joy & the love of me settled and in place. And I think that I might .. just might be ready to start loving somebody else. I don’t know if I will find what I need tho… who I need.

I need someone strong enough to be able to accept me needing to be alone…and someone tender enough to hold me when I can’t stand being alone. I need someone who can accept me wanting sex..but not having sex…. and who can balance that thin line between affection and sex. I need someone who can hold me lovingly and sexually, without pressuring me to take it further. *sighs* I think I am looking for a saint.

I have to be able to see him at least three times a week, and hug & kiss him. I have to be able to call him up and bitch about the bad or laugh about the good and he’ll understand. I want to be able to cuddle with him when I’m feeling low without him pushing me to go further. I have to be able to bring him into my dream world and show him all of my beautiful and bizzare ideas & thoughts and have him trust me enough to do the same. I have to be able to depend on him when I’m in trouble, and he’ll be able to turn to me if he has problems. We have to communicate openly & freely, sharing our thoughts. He has to LOVE me, care for me, treasure me, be considerate of me, and in return I will give him the same twice over. He has to be mature, able to see a good deal further than his dick, but not so far that his head is in the clouds. He has to have a job. He has to respect me, and understand that as a woman… I won’t take any less than I deserve from him.

I wrote that on July 4, 1993. Damn. I should have listened to myself , hm?

I firmly believe that a good part of the reason that I am bi is because I despair of ever finding something like the above in a man that I am attracted to… most of the above qualities are in more than one of my GAY male friends *sighs* but in very few of the straight ones…so I turn to my sisters in hopes that the love I deserve will be found there. Now… I’m not sure that I can be what another woman would want… and deserves. Not saying that brothas deserve any less than we do…but they are different enough that what they want shows and is accpeted differently then how I as a woman show & accept it. *sighs* I don’t know what I am going to do with myself. *smiles* I guess I will just have to live, and grow and

Stay Jazzed.

Inanity. No...not InSanity.

I started reading my old diaries from 1990-1997 (on paper) and it is really sad & scary to see far I have come, and yet how much I am still in the same place. There are some facets of me that have not changed in the least… even though I have WANTED to change them since I was 13. That is sad. Re-reading them is scary as well because I see just how much.. chaos was going on in my life that I don’t even remember at this point. Friends having issues, men problems, all kinds of things. And it has also brought me down a couple of notches because as much as I would LIKE to claim that I was NEVER as dilly as some of the teenage girls who are on this site, I have the proof that I was that dilly and them some on paper. I may burn them if I ever get famous. : )
I have to make a budget so that I know how much of the money that E.L. (my new company) gave me I can spend on matters unrelated to the move. The first thing I need to figure out is how much it will cost to move my little bit of stuff to Indy. The Internet is really a wonderful tool. I can do so much on here with just a few types of my keyboard… letting my fingers truly do the walking. Even though there is also an enormous amount of trash on here… it is a wonderful ‘world’ as well.
Okay… I am really in entirely too much pain to try to write coherently right now (cramps are a MOTHER) so I will go and curl up in my warm bed and drink hot tea & eat banana’s. Hopefully I will get some work done. *laughs* yeah.. okay.
(really… I plan on forcing myself to write daily...even if it is just a piece of inane tripe like this is. )

Stay Jazzed.

WordJazz

Somethings take entirely too long to arrive. I mean what is stopping graduation from being here like NOW? or maybe even yesterday.. in fact yesterday would be nice. I cannot accept the concept that a job will be anything as hard or as grueling as the shit I am going through. I have however decided that I will NOT.. . I repeat I will NOT bitch about school…. not anymore.. I have spent enough time doing that with my classmates for most of the day…. I will talk about something else…. not dealing with school or the asinine creatures who call themselves teachers & administrators. *sighs* yeah…

I have a bunch of disconnected random thoughts running through my head and I can’t grasp any of them long enough to find something worthwhile to but down here. I am trying to write every night, at least a little something.. just so I can keep my literary skills in some kind of trim. One of the things that I rediscovered as I went through my random collection of writings and the like was a flyer that I had made freshman year (1995) talking about the first showing of my artistic works when I was 25. The works that I would be presenting ranged from visual poetry to verbal photography (hey.. that is what I said). At this point, I don’t have enough works of my own to even remotely resemble something called a presentation of my art. And most of what I have is over 2 years old. It is sad that I have stopped writing so much… but mostly I think during this last year. I find notebook full of scribbles and quick thoughts & poems & bits of prose that I jotted down while I was working… but nothing now. I wonder if it is because I don’t have time…. or I just don’t have the creative energy to do something. I really feel stifled & forced into doing what I don’t care for or about at this point in time. And from those stifled feelings you would think that something even stronger & more powerful would express itself through words, but instead what I find being expressed is nothing. I guess I am missing that sense of a room of my own that I can take some time away from everything else and be myself in. One of the things that I have decided to do (oddly enough) is to stop reading so much. I usually read constantly… if I am not actively doing something.. I am passively reading. I want to stop doing that so that I can encourage myself to be more active in my life… to participate more in what is going on around me. Perhaps if I carry a blank book instead of a book filled with someone else’s words… at some point I will end up with a book full of my own words. And most of those word may actually make sense…

sometimes
i live lost
in the mists of the press of time
i drift & fall
& flutter
as i wait for
a pause I can claim
as mine.

Stay Jazzed.

Good (Self) Love

Spring cleaning is a wonderful thing. I have managed to clean my entire house (except for the bathroom) in the past two days. It is really sad that an apartment THIS small can produce 8 bags of trash…and I am not talking about half full bags either…seriously full & heavy bags. But it feels good. I am getting rid of a lot of things that I don’t need. I am trying NOT to pull the whole bitter black woman thing & throw away everything he ever gave me… but it is hard to keep it, when it doesn’t have the same emotional pull & attachment. I don’t know, I have put a lot of it up & away…. if I can look at it later and it brings back the good rather than the bad I will keep it. Otherwise.. why carry baggage ( that emotional kind) to Indy with me?
Speaking of baggage, I went through a lot of my writings that I have written over the longest time. I want to type them up on the computer…but it is just SO much. So I am being lazy by not writing it, but at the same time, every year I get more & more nervous because the paper & the ink is starting to get thin and blur. I am not sure when I will have the time to do it, because I refuse to do it while I am in school, cuz it will distract me from other stuff that I need to be doing. I might do it during summer school, but I will have to see how much other stuff I will have to do. Once I get to Indy… *shakes head* so much of that is up in the air I really have no clue what I am going to do. Maybe I can bribe someone into doing it for me….hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I will figure something out.

I have also put together a package for my mommy. A bunch of stuff, a lot of which a brought along time ago and never quite got around to sending her. I am going to use some of the small ( tiny really) store of money I have and send them to her. I treasure her. value her, love her so much it is amazing. I have always KNOWN that I loved my mommy… but I don’t know… having her behind me through the almost utterly worst thing that I could go through has been far far beyond a blessing. It is a piece of utter & total peace… the bond we have is so strong & beautiful & amazing…I can’t even begin to pretend to condense it enough to fit on a single page. The Chinese have a saying : “Higher than the mountain, deeper than the sea” that refers to the debt that all children owe their parents. I look at it as talking about the love that I hold for her…and out of that love I can & will do anything for her.
As I cleaned (and cleaned…and cleaned) I realized where all of my money has gone. I have been buying books like they are about to shut down all of the printing presses. I have so many books in my house it looks like a library. And every time I read one I think of about of… three or four more I would love to get my hands on. In fact, I have decided that a major drawing point in an apartment for me would be the presence of ceiling to floor bookcases. Ummmmm….. unlimited bookroom…. ummmmmmm : )
I have really started getting into looking for apartments & looking forward to moving. Even though I am kinda scared because there seems like there is NOTHING in Indy. Every time I look at something that I use now, and just randomly check to see if they have a branch in Indy…NOPE! *sighs* IT is really gonna be a different world. I have also began trying to figure out how I am going to scheme my way into a drivers license… I kinda sorta know how to drive, but since I don’t have access to a car, so I haven’t had enough practice. But…. I can’t get more practice until I get a license… so it is an ugly catch-22. So what I plan on doing is practicing & practicing with the rental car that my mother is going to bring with her for graduation, and then take myself to the DMV and pass the test and get the license, and then I can get a rental car and practice. *sighs* the fun part is going to be convincing my momma to let me TOUCH the rental while she is here….and not let my grandmother know. : )

I feel fine. I am still relaxed…and still at peace. I think that everything has gone fine for me (physically & mentally & emotionally) and I am *sighs* okay. I was really really depressed, and didn’t even realize it. It’s scary when you don’t realize that you are depressed until you aren’t depressed any more. I wonder if I would have stayed depressed the rest of my life if I had kept the baby. That is an utterly terrifying thought. I don’t know… I am actually still more upset about the total rupture of a long & what I thought was amazingly strong friendship. It leaves a weird hole in my heart, a gap where someone who was so vital to me used to be. *shakes head* It’s really really sad. I’m going to miss who I thought he was.
At the same time I feel so much more in touch with me. It’s scary to realize that he was really one of the two..three friends I have down here. All of my other friends are up North. I have to really work on that aspect of myself. I need to figure out what I do that pushes people away (if anything) and what I can do to keep people close. I have already figured out that I am one of the kinds of people that has a small and select group of close friends & a whole bunch of people that I ‘know’ but I need to work on the people in between… the people who are friends…without being the life & death kind, and without being casual associates as well. I have lived most of my life as a loner, and I think that it is high time that I stopped. Maybe I will get some self help books and work something out. Oksay…it’s late enough for me to take my drugs & I can go to sleep now.

Stay Jazzed.

Love Her Today, or find one Hundred Ways

testing…testing…is everything set? are we ready? is she in place? okay… 5…4…3…2 …1…that’s a GO!
Have I been hiding? Maybe… I most certainly don’t feel like it… but like I was living in a land where there is nothing but cloudy skies…and when the clouds part and the sun shines…you suddenly realize WHAT you have been missing… even if you forgot ever losing it in the first place. I have re-found my peace. Suddenly I am so at peace I feel like I could float.. I can fight bears.. I can conquer mountains. I can succeed at anything I even look at if I dedicate myself to it and work hard. I may be broke as an old & bad joke but dammit.. I got my trans-card, and I got my health, and I got some peace, and what more do I need?

Where do I start? Where does this tale begin? hmm.. I think I will start with the simple part of the tale, and let the rest come out as it may.
I had an abortion today.
That encompasses so much of the story it is hard to figure out when to start…. where to dive in…. where to begin. I wish I had been writing since I knew.. since I found out.. but the two previous entries were all I could push out from the confusion and stress and craziness and madness that were all I could see & handle…and I was barely handling it.
This is what I felt right after the procedure, …. in the recovery room & on the bus I think I was writing so fast my damn hand was about to come off.
*thinks* I am actually a HELL of allot better than I expected I would be, considering how much emotional madness I have been going through... the peace is amazing. at the same time I almost fell guilty for not feeling bad. I feel like I was in a crashing plane.. and suddenly it leveled off...and landed, but it was on a suicide mission anyway.
*shakes head* How did it happen?? How did I, smart, tight, halfway gay Jazzy get pregnant? Simple. The Latex ain’t work the way it was supposed to. Such a little thing to put so much trust into. Something so damn simple as a damn faulty condom, or a little precum…changed me. Him? somehow I don’t think it affected him much….
Who was my baby’s daddy? This man was (note the past tense please) one of my closest friends.... I mean.... *shakes head* we have gone through some serious shit together... we dated back in 97 and broke up (cuz of Little One.. I may have talked about him in earlier entries… in fact I am sure that I have), then we came back together as friends... but for the past year or so we have been growing closer... I mean.. *sighs* he was like my brother...but not (obviously) he was the one man that I was still rather sexually attracted too (and that I could actually have...but anyway) and he had some ideas about abortion that he had developed by seeing a previous g/f of his go through one.. so when I went to him... with my fancy little mistress plan of him coming to live with me in Indy for a year and then returning to school and me helping him pay for it (or paying for it as the case may have been)…*thinks* I expected a more supportive attitude than the one I got. What I BASICALLY got was... I’m too young & too immature to deal with having a baby (though he wasn’t too young or too immature to slide his dick up in me) and so he offered to pay for an abortion. I still can’t tell you how I feel about him. I know that the last unforgivable thing ( the last?) was on Tuesday... I had a prelim appointment to do the ultra sound and all that jazz that they handle before hand. And he was supposed to come... moral support & all that...but he slept through it or at least that is what he said. I find it ironic that he called my house the EXACT time that my appointment was to start and said in this sleep heavy voice that he had been on the phone all night. you fuck with my trust once it don’t come back… and since he had already said (to all intents and purposes) that I was all by my damn self…I said fuck him. figuratively of course….doing the deed is what got me in this spot in the first place. *shrugs* I don’t know... it seems too damn pat that he called at the exact time that he KNEW I wouldn’t be home to say that he wasn’t coming. shit… by that time I think I would have figured it out on my own. So after I got out of my appointment I went to his house, got the damn money & left. No, I didn’t tell him when the procedure was scheduled for.. I didn’t want him anywhere around.. nor did I want to worry about him showing up or not with the money. He called me Wednesday night, and asked me to call him back. I haven’t, and I am not sure if I will.


I am pro-choice for life... and NEVER even considered the Idea of ME having one... but I realized that if I didn’t.... I would be messing up more than just my child’s life... but my own, so I accepted his offer of ‘maturity’. It took me the longest time to tell my momma. I was afraid to tell her because I knew that she never wanted this for me and that I would be disappointing her, but when I told her *sighs* the greatest weight ever was lifted off of me. I never realized until now just how much I LOVE my momma. Anyhow…she told me MY story… about how my daddy was not there for a bit like I thought, for me & for her. Nah…he was there but it was for reasons of his own, like having a woman who was willing to cook & clean & keep a house for him while he went out and had his fun. She let me know how she did it, and she let me know that there was nothing wrong with doing it that way…but so much right with doing it the other way. She told me how words and actions don’t have to overlap…and she reminded me of how much in this…I was truly on my own. If I had kept the baby it would have been MY child. Not OUR child, because there was nothing there to hold him. A child? humph. Children haven’t been holding on to their daddies for years…why would this one be any different. Friendship? That will get you a shiny penny and a kiss. And since it would be MY child… I had to make the decision. And I made the decision to have an abortion.
I was 11 weeks pregnant. If I had kept the baby and it was a girl, I would have named her Dai’lee (which means gentle heart) Star (from my best female friends middle name). Had it been a boy, *laughs* he would have had a long name, because I have so many men in my life who I admire and love…and they would have all wanted a namesake. Personally, I think it was a girl. His/her birthday would have been somewhere around November 5, 2000. Why did I think it was girl? Dreams…
It has been an amazing path up & down and all over...but after I left his house with the money, that was when some of the peace started... cuz I KNEW I was doing the right thing...and I had my momma’s support too.... *sighs* so...all that was left was today... and it hurt like HELL… hurt you hear me? Hurt like something was reaching down and making a big ole fist right where my bladder used to be before the ungodly pain started…I’m REALLLLLY scared bout having kids now... but after all the pain I nearly cried from the relief and the RIGHTNESS I felt and I refuse to let myself feel the least bit bad about feeling so good, or feel guilty about being relieved, or wonder what the Creator’s plan for this child was. If the Creator had a plan, nothing that little ole created me could have done would have changed that plan by a hair
So THAT has been my past three weeks/one month.
It’s weird.. now that it is over.. I feel so much more secure & calm in saying that I did it. *shakes head* if anyone would have asked me yesterday I am sure I would not have said yes.... but now... I guess my own self has confirmed that is was what I needed to do...and so...nothing else really matters....

Stay Jazzed.

Life Lessons

Sometimes, life just ain’t fair. And usually, when life is the most ‘unfair’ is when you learn the most from life. When circumstances & people & events start to knock you upside the head, that tends to be the point at which some of the most valuable lessons you will ever learn are being taught.

I have been learning a lot in the past few weeks, some of which I stoutly wished I never had to learn. But I guess it is better than I learn these lessons now, rather than wait until I am much older and much less able to change WHO I am because of what I have learned. And the sad part is I don’t think that the lessons I am learning should be something that anyone has to learn. When I have children, this will be one of the lessons I try to shield them from, because honestly, I am not sure whether what I have learned is a good thing or a bad thing.

I have learned that friendship can be much more narrow than it seems
I have learned that trust is rarely deserved
I have learned that it is dangerous to depend on anyone but myself
I have learned that assumptions based upon words are about as useful as promises written on air
I have learned that letting go is sometimes all you can do
I have learned suspicion/distrust
and worst of all, I have learned that all of these things apply to friends & lovers just as much as they do the stranger passing you by in the street

These past few weeks have enlightened me… and yet I don’t know how to write about it. I don’t know how to pull the words that can express the feelings from inside of me. And I worry that the feelings of hurt/anger/disappointment that I have felt were caused solely by me. That I walked into a trap that could clearly be seen, that I was not deceived by anyone except myself. I have to write this out of my heart & head slowly… and I am sure that sometimes…I will wish that I had not written. But I believe in Catharsis… and that right now… is what I most need.

Stay Jazzed.

Blur

I know. I haven't been around much. School & life in general have been stressing me out, and the very thought of sitting in front of a computer when I didn't HAVE to gave me a headache. I am back...I think... for a while at least.

I've been walking around wrapped in cotton for a while. Nothing really touches me or gets inside. *sighs* I am in a real funky on/off mode. yeech.

Stay Jazzed.