Home!

Yayyy!!!!!! I'm home. It feels warm compared to the temperatures in Geneva.
It's 8am - I've been awake for 5 hours supporting them, I've got a meeting at 9:30, then I'm going to sleep.
There's something wrong with my car (why must I ALWAYS come home to auto issues?) that I'm hoping is just the battery (i.e. something cheap).It's a stick, so I'm going to see if I can do the old 'pop & start in second trick'. Heaven help me.

I'm getting plenty of nibbles (I can't call them offers) on the resume front - for nice sums of money too. I figure I could work as a consultant for 6 months and make nearly enough to pay off all my bills.

Ugh. Head hurts.

More laters.

Birds in the Bush

So.... I'm seriously starting to look for a new job. *gulp*

I feel - like a traitor somehow, but - *sigh* I don't feel - secure in what I'm doing right now. I don't think that they are going to be able (or willing, really) to give me what I want - a position ON a release - outside of Indiana - with a pay raise....and I know that I can get all of that rather simply by switching companies.

Still - there's this - seed of doubt in me about whether I'm being bratty - whether I'm expecting too much with too little of a track record - whether I'm wrong for expecting rewards and movement to acknowledge the growth, experience, and skill that I've demonstrated over the last year and a half (damn near two, really). Instead, I feel like I'm being shunted backwards to doing what I was doing two years ago - drifting between projects, 'supporting' many but actually part of none. I don't feel very valued - despite how much everyone BUT my superiors tell me I'm needed - and it's pissing me off.

And of course, the fact that I'm scoping out jobs on monster that pay 1.5 to 3 times as much for what I'm doing now (with a litttle stretch for the 3x I'll admit) really doesn't give me any incentive to stay.

And of course, the fact that someone ELSE would pay to move me & the hub & the catlings OUT of fucking Indiana - oh raptourous joy!

So what's wrong with me? I've got a scrawny bitter little bird in my hand, and I'm hearing all these fat juicy eager birds in the bush, and I don't even want to reach out my OTHER hand to test how plump they really are.

I think that I'm afraid that I'm really NOT all that good, and that I really DON'T deserve a promotion or the position that I want, and that I'm fooling myself by thinking that anyone else would hire me, and the empress is about to be standing in the street buckass naked - but shit, I've WORKED with people who know less than I do, who made more than I do, and who everyone KNEW was worthless, and he STILL got a juicy year & a half of employment out of the company. So - me, who learns fast,works faster, has a knack for getting along with people, and who absorbs knowledge like a sponge - what IS my worry/issue?

Gah. I think I just feel - stable. I'm in a rut right now, and I am going to try to wheelie my way the hell out of it (and what better time than now BEFORE C finds another job that will keep us in Indy for a while? While I'm drifting between projects and won't feel like I'm abandoning one? Before they start to 'dangle' the HOPE of an OUS job in front of me, that I strongly suspect 6 monthes later would vanish in the face of 'budgeting') and I'm scared shitless of it. I've never really LOOKED for a job before. This job I was recruited for out of college, and I didn't really have many options that kept me AWAY from programming - and paid any kind of money.  But I really feel like a babe in the woods, and as the majority of most of the contacts I've made have been AT this company - it's kinda - crude to ask them how best to improve my chances at getting a job someplace else, yes?

*deep breath*

I'm going to talk to Corey about this when I get home - see if he has any particular preferences...and grab some reading on cover letters and interviewing and all that crap - and then I guess I'll just have to take the plunge eh? I don't have to quit till I have another contract in hand - and if I DON'T get any offers - I'll know that I've got more learning, work, and growth to do - and I'll accept the assesment of my superiors. Maybe.  *grin*

Purpose

Yes, Idon't feel like doing any work - three entries BEFORE lunch? Shocking.

---

I've been thinking alot as I fall asleep overthe last few nights. I'm trying to train myself to be able to fall asleep in silence again, and my latest trick is to invision a never ending ribbon - or really, a ribbon of the absolutely perfect length - about 3 inches wide I guess, that I wrap my self in like a mummy - start with the toes, and work my way up to the head. It's actually a very relaxing visualization (gradients of blue darker in the middle and fading to a silvery blue on the very edges) and it's easy to drift into thinking of other things, and then move back to the wrapping without losing my place.
Anyhow - I realized, as I was lying in bed wrapping myself up, that I don't really have an over reaching 'purpose' in life. I mean - I do, but - hmm.....now that I think about it, I'm not sure what I was really thinking about. Maybe not purpose, but more about comfort. I don't yet know where I want to live - and I think that's a lot of it. I thrive on people. Really - the interaction of me with people pumps me up - even when I NEED some alone time - I still need that interaction with other intelligent, sincere, secure people in order to be really - happy.
I need friends dammit - friends in my own area code that I can truly let down the shields with. It's - tiring and frustrating, and really, very lonely to be so alone - esp. now that I know that I feed off of that interaction and energy.
But yeah - I do have a purpose in life - a goal I suppose - and sometimes I want to move towards it faster and faster and other times I'm satisfied in creeping along very slow.......

 

 

---

 

I don't know what the hell I did to my computer screen - but it's got little sprinkles of splashed liquid on it, and I can't find any of those ever so convienent wipes here. Maybe they want us to use wet napkins, like normal people? Hah!

My fingernails are actually quite attractive. I haven't gotten acrylics put back on since late september - and I don't know if it's just some sort of change in me, but they are strong, thick, and hard. Not growing super duper fast, but that's okay - I've actually got nail OF MY OWN extending over the tips of my fingers - and I'm not super worried about breakage. But then - if they break, oh well, right? They'll grow back. And I'm starting to get used to my owns hands again. Besides - those nails weren't cheap.

I'm trying to become as low maintence in my personal hygenine as possible. I've started using the Oil Cleansing Method on my face - and oh my god. I don't think my skin has EVER looked this good. I suffer from these hideous flaky patches on both of my cheeks - dry skin that stubbornly refused to flake all the way off and instead left me with these narsty white patches (very very bad on dark skin) and in the two weeks I've been doing the oil cleansing - they are mostly gone. They've finally given up/dried out/ whatever and flaked fully off. I have to clean my face at least every other day though - I've noticed that if I skip two days my skin starts to dry out, and I'll get a little pimple. And it's SOOOOO farking cheap. I was able to get the castor oil really cheap (like a buck for a 5 oz bottle) at this going out of business sale of a pharmacy, and got a big ass cheap bottle of olive oil, and was able to reuse one of my plastic squeeze bottles (though I AM looking for a glass one) and - voila. At least six months worth of facial cleanser for under 10 bucks. Can't beat that with a stick. I'm using cheap shampoo & expensive conditioner (I haven't found anything that replaces my Pantene - I've tried the cheap stuff and it's ick). I use the Keeper instead of tampons, and only occasionally use panty liners (usually if I'm going to be travelling with the Keeper - just to give me those few extra minutes). *thinks* what else? I still have to use good deoderant - I like the way I smell personally, but I can get tart rather unexpectedly, and that's just rude to others, in my opinion. I use the cheapest body soap I can find, and I plan on starting to use Olive oil on my body as well. It doesn't travel as well as lotion, but heaven knows it leaves your skin looking and feeling better.

*sigh* I'm going to have to start keeping a penny book again. I wonder if I could squeeze an extra 40K out of my salary over a year?

hah!

I'm a creative girl....

but I still can't come up with a quick, legal way to make about 40K in a couple of months. Any bright ideas, anyone?

Let's see - what else in going on in my life?

I'm bloody SICK of Switzerland, I wanna go the hell home, I wish I was leaving Saturday, but I'm leaving Sunday instead, and I guess that's okay cuz then I can go to the club one.last.time - but heaven knows I'll be HAPPY to be home.

It's too dam cold too. This snow shit is for the birds figuratively and *flipping one* literally. Icy, nasty, crap. And the Swiss clearly don't have slip and fall lawsuits (hmm.....that might be a way to make 40K) cuz they don't shovel, they don't sand, and they sure as hell don't use salt. Rather rude for a walking city, but apparently having snow that actually STICKS for more than a few hours is just weird to them anyway, so.

At least I didn't really get sick this trip *knock on wood*  I got a lil snuffly one week, but rested and sucked down the OJ over the weekend, and I was all good.

I ended up buying more books while I was here (we aren't even going to discuss how bloody much books cost over here - oh. my. god!) and now I have far, far, far too many to carry home, so I'm interofficing a box of books, tissues, and chocolates back to Indy. I'm considering trying to smuggle some foie gras back in the box as well - and some manaza - dammit! but I'm not sure. If I can find it, I will.

What else? Hmm.... my ideas for making 40K in under 6 months (legally)....

1. Write a wonderful book and get a fat advance (hah - that's going to take more than a month or two)


2. Win the lottery  - (that might work - pure luck though)


3. Have a rich aunt/uncle/father (if I had one) die, and be a beneficiary.


4. Stumble and fall and sue someone.


5. Discover that I own something really unique and rare (besides my delectable ass) and sell it for a fortune.


6. Find a sugar daddy and convince him to give me a brand new car, which I would then sell for the cash.


7. Go to Vegas and hit the jackpot.


8. Get a second job that pays more than my primary one does? Lab Test subject, or something?

Hmmm.....that's about all I've come up with. One of my friends would tell me to think 'outside' of the box, but then he's the same one who hasn't had a job in four years and lives with his girlfriend and sold his family home after his mother died, so really - he's got a whole different box.

*sigh*

So....

Did I have a miscarriage? Possbily - I took the pregnancy test too late to know for sure - since I didn't take it until I got back from Florida - so I might have been pregnant before I left Indy, and not realized it.

The IUD is mostly out, by the way - the string is pratically hanging OUT of me, and I can feel the bottom of the T (sharp little bugger it is) coming out of my cervix. I actually hope that I'm still on my period when I get home - it will most likely be easier to remove then. But - the the question becomes - do I get a new one? Do we toss in the towel and start trying? I'm going to have to have a nice long talk with Corey - I know that I can't afford a baby right now, and - sigh - with his ever so flexible job situation, - it it in the least bit wise for us to even consider? I mean shit, we might be a right fertile pair and get pregnant next month. And then - if that happens - that totally wipes out us going to Speke - would I be willing to move with a 1 month old? Shit - I'd be so out of the damn loop after maternity leave....*sigh* Money.

So. With a baby - there are really three choices.

1. I stay home with the baby - clearly, my personal favorite, and just as clearly, so unbloody fucking likely as I make the most money.


2. C stays home with the baby - reasonable  - his financial situation is precarious enough - if we continue to live where we are I can come home for afternoon feedings and so forth.


3. We put the baby in daycare - utterly unreasonable, as heaven knows that I can't afford it alone, and it would suck to have to pull the baby in and out based on whether C has a job or not.

Okay - I want choice one - badly, badly, badly.

So - let's look at it this way - what's my total debt load?

  7277.00 - Students Loans
    300.00 - Nordstroms Card
16357.00 - Car, Credit Card, EZ Loan
----------------------------------------------
23934.00 - Total Debts

Divided by ten - ten months, I'd have to pay roughly two grand a month - and of course, that's not including the usual monthly bills - rent, cell phone, electricity, insurance. Which means I'd roughly have to double my income. But still - it's only 25K. It's not totally outrageous. And I haven't even looked at Corey's bills. *sigh*

Boy - the lottery would be nice. Even 40K - that would seriously set us up. But....well. *sigh* Maybe I can write a book and get a fat advance. :) hm.

Edit:
And I'm an utterly horrid, horrid, horrid woman, as I wonder how much life insurance my grandmother has. *shakes head* Or my aunt for that reason, but I doubt that I'm a beneficiary.

Blurrily bouncing

• Rather upset with myself now for not having brought my camera - but oh well.


• Am tired, tired, tired, and my hair is growing faster than it's summer rate and my nails are outrageously strong. I'd swear I was pregnant if I didn't KNOW I wasn't.


• Snow in Geneva is actually kinda pretty - in a white wonderland, make it go away kinda way.


• I realized why I'm afraid to lose more weight - I don't really like people looking at me - well, unless it's a situation in which I am in control - I'm a exhibitionist who demands to be able to choose when she's on display - and heaven knows I get enough looks NOW - and I've stillgot a good bit of that shield of invisibility called fat on me. I'm into being in control - and I won't be able to control other people looking at me.


• I'm tired - have I mentioned that already? - and this weekend is slated to be full of napping, junk food eating, hair doing, book reading, movie watching, nail polishing, and other types of degenerate laziness that don't reuqire me to leave my hotel.


• I could have gone to Milan instead of the aforementioned laziness, but I really don't FEEL like shopping for stuff I 1) dont need and 2) am going to have a hard as hell time fitting into my already stuffed luggage.

cuz all I really am, is a grain of sand

 

We are each born with a cup full of sand - some peoples cups only have a grain or two, and others cups seem to be endlessly deep. But no matter who you are, you don't know how many grains are in your cup.
Each moment that we live is a grain of sand - tiny, mostly seemingly insignificant, and we often forget that there is only a limited number of grains given to each of us.
We should (I must) treasure each of those grains, try to find the beauty in it, try to learn something from it, and most of all, open myself to the wonder that IS those grains - because I will never know which grain will be my last.

 

---

 

I don't feel any different today - maybe even a little younger rather than older...and I haven't figured out what my gift to me is going to be.

:) If I could find a ring of sand, that would be cool.

 

Week 2: Jan 10 - Jan 16th

Goals:
1) Drink 128oz of water a day
2) Get off on the third floor and walk up
3) Plan out an exercise plan

Lessons Learned:
1) Tight clothes are bad for your digestive system
2) Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder
3) McDonalds has WAY too many farking calories

Weight: Not sure - let's stick to 200, shall we?

 

---

 

Once again a day late - sheesh, maybe my week should start on Tuesday!

Anyhow -eating has been not too bad - I've managed to keep it under 2500 calories for the last week (still 1000 more than I actually NEED.....) and - *blinks* dammit, lost my train of thought.

Exercise - well, I love to walk, and that is one of the reasons that I really do enjoy Geneva - the culture (and the city) supports walking.  I went out last weekend and danced my happy little ass off - and didn't feel quite so much like crap the next day like I did over New Years - I think that my alcohol tolerance is slowly going down - most likely a side effect of all the carbs I'm eating, as I noticed that while I was on Atkins I could drink like a fish and sober up in half the time.

*laugh* Looking over my caloriecounter, I realize that I've eaten a different kind of ethnic food for dinner every day that I've been here....
Friday: Lebanesee fast food
Saturday: Indian
Sunday: Thai
Monday: Lebaneese proper food

Hah. Okay - I'm rambly now. Bleh - coffee makes me sleeeepppppy.

Inspiration!

I came up with a great idea for inspiration/reminder. 
As I was packing for my trip, I ran across the bikini that I brought at the end of last summer for a 'goal' outfit. It's a stringy thing - two cups attached to each other and tying around the back. It realllly looks/looked tiny, and I realized that keeping that around should remind me about my end goals - to lose weight in order to fit into it.
So - I snipped a bit of the string off, and turned it into a bracelet using a big pale pinkwasher bead I had lying around the house - and I'm going to wear it constantly until I reach goal. Since it's made of swimsuit material - it'll get cleaned when I take showers, and dry quick - so VERY cool.
I figure it's a subtle, yet constant reminder of the reason that I need to watch EVERYTHING that I put into my mouth.

Also, I've been using the CalorieKing thing - and holy shit! *shakeshead* I mean - damn. It's really outrageous how easy it is to get up to 3000 calories in a day - and I still don't feel fully satisfied. Yet another reason I LOVE Atkins- I can get full, and stay satied on sooooo many fewer calories.

Dammit, Janet!

So.....(I use that word a lot, not sure why - but anyway) I get back from the honeymoon (which was mostly not spent on a beach, as it was warm in Fl, but it wasn't THAT damn warm) and I clamber onto the scale. My clothes have been telling me this message for a while, but I was stubbornly ignoring it.

200. 200 freaking pounds (AGAIN!)

This time though - it's odd. I truly FEEL fat. When I weighed this much before - I think I felt better (or I didn't realize JUST how bad I felt) but now - UGH. I can FEEL the weight on me, and it feels kinda ick. So. (see - there I go again).
I don't  'do' resolutions - I just plan, and it just happens that I've gotten fed up (and I'm FINALLY about to stop traveling) at the first of the year.

I am still up in the air about whether I should start to change my eating habits now, considering I'm leaving the country for damn near a month - but thinking about it honestly, why shouldn't I still be able to eat right, another country or not? Yes - they make some of the most heavenly bloody bread ever, and yes, as it's going to be cold I MUST have fondue at least once - but that in no way means that I CAN'T start eating in a more conscious way.

So! Here are the rules of this game:

1. Start each week with an entry - the entry will list my goals for this week, what I learned from last week, and my weight.


2. Daily journaling - every bite I eat gets written down, even if I can't FitDay it right away, at least I'm keeping track of it (and keeping myself honest - cuz if I lie to me, what's the point?)


3. Drink 128oz of water a day - I know that's going to be one of my goals the first three weeks, because THAT takes a while to get back into.


4. Follow moderately strict Atkins (the original) with no more than three servings a week of food 'substitutes'.


5. Exercise three days a week - one of my goals once I get back.

And that about sums it up. Sounds SOOOO damn simple, doesn't it? *sigh*

I'm going to start this week yesterday - since I'm thinking that a week should be Monday-Sunday kinda thing rather than a Sunday-Saturday. Not sure why, but it just 'feels' right.  So....another entry will pop up BEFORE this one. *thinks* Actually, it'll be after, but with an earlier date. I'm such a geeky nerd, I am.

*dumdumdummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

and she's off!

 

Status Update

Hah! Starting bleeding heavily on the25th, and I'm STILL fucking bleeding. So -if we include the weird stuff - it's like I've hadtwo periods back to back, with one being the end of a normal period and the other being a beginning. Freaky, I know.

But - at least I know for sure that I'm not pregnant.

But I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucking sick of fucking bleeding I could SCREAM. Ick. ick. ick. Normally, I can handle it, but this - TWO WEEKS? this is crazy.

Rapid Wrapup

Happy New Year dammit!!

Had a wonderful time in FL.
Been bleeding for TWO FUCKING WEEKS - won't have a chance to see the twatdoctor as
I'm leaving for Geneva on Thursday. For three weeks.
C is gettin UE, so we won't be totally SOL moneywise.
I'm still magically broke.

*sigh* And busy as hell at work - Huggles to all you beautifulpeople!

 

 

 

Week 1: Jan 3rd - Jan 9th, 2005

• Goals This Week:
  1) Drink 128oz water daily
  2) Two servings of EITHER flour OR sugar a day
  3) Plot out reward schedule.
  
  
  


• Lessons learned last week:
  1) Rich food isn't really THAT good tasting.
  2) Avacados are a wonderful thing
  3) I eat to not smoke, and I smoke to not eat - what's the root of my oral fixation?
  
  
  


• Weight: 200.00
  
  
  

Well - here's the beginning of it all again. I'm going totry to ease my way back into Atkins - cut back on the sugar/flour combos, and start sucking down the water so that once I do start, I'll be able to flush those ketones RIGHT out.

Dammit - I was going to talk about something else, but I got distracted by work and playing with my new toy - the latest Calorie King software. I LOVE this thing - lost it when my Palm crashed before, and that was an old version - I like the new one much better - it lets you add custom foods (which the previous version didn't) and which is my FAVORITE thing about Fitday. So - that will certainly be a huge support in my 'daily journaling' - which ain't a goal, it's a rule! And - I get a free two weeks - which means that my reward in two weeks will be to actually purchase it. Yes, I can find joy in everything.

Okay. Time for me to go home now. <