I've always been.....

a not so material person. A simple person, almost.  Which may be a side effect of me being amazingly cheap, but I think that it serves me well. We usually have enough to live on - a little extra for fun.  And of course, I could have much, much, much more extra to live on if I wasn't quite so enourmously anal about escaping the little bit of debt I've incurred as rapidly as possible. And - that actually makes me feel better about not living a life of luxury - because I'm choosing it, I suppose. But - there's always been a - deep grinding feeling in me that living with a high amount of debt is dangerous. Not foolhardy, not risky, but simply dangerous. That - incurring debt for a newer car, or a designer pair of shoes goes far beyond fiscal foolishness and starts to waver close to the edge of out and out fiscal suicide.
Of course, it might be how  I grew up - living off of welfare, and WIC, and the occasional odd job my stepfather deemed worthy, and that briefly adventourously terrifying episode of homelessness. So - living ABOVE my means - esp. as I've gotten older - has become - instinctively scary. Ya'll all remember the long tirades I went on as I was 'debating' buying an Ipod. And - mind you - that was EXTRA money. Basically gift money, and I had a very hard time 'gifting' myself.
Gah. I'm rambly, because I've been thrown a little off kilter (and a little on track) by this.  It's about a phenomenom called 'Peak Oil'. The basic concept is that oil production - like most things - operates on a bell curve. Currently, we (as a world) are hitting the downslope of oil production all over the world - and - it's not renweable - and we are too far away from having REAL,  CHEAP, TRANSPORTABLE alternative fuel sources to carry us through. The really - creepy part (which I never even thought about) is that everything - Everything - EVERYTHING - that we use to LIVE on uses oil to be produced. EVERYTHING ya'll.
It's scary enough to be nutty, and logical enough to make perfect sense, esp. considering the swiftly sliding increases in gas prices. I mean - hm. Those alone have - shook me up. I'm not THAT old, and I remember gas being 99 cents a gallon. I'd be suprised if gas was UNDER 3.00 a gallon by Thanksgiving.
So. I'm thankful that I'm not a material person. I'm thankful that I'm training to be a midwife because two things will reamin constant - no matter what.  People will be born, and people will die. I'm thankful that I'm crazy about paying off my debts so that I can start to BUILD a true nest egg. I'm thankful that my fear of debt has held me back from buying a house. I'm - rather relieved actually.

And I'm nervous as hell. It might not happen while I'm alive (for which I would be throughly thankful - though guilty about leaving that kind of mess in the hands of my kids) but it's going to happen.

*shudder*

Bleh.

So, my weekend sucked.

Saturday - let's see. I buried Nikki, and C went to work. He calls me 20 minutes later - his tire blew out. Yeah, on the new (to us) car.  He goes to change it, and it looks like the tire is rusted to the axle. *sigh* His boss comes to pick him up, he goes to work, all is well and good.
He calls a tow truck to pick it up on Sunday - and the city (working overtime) has already snatched it up - despite him SUPPOSING to have 48 hours to deal with it. *sigh*
So - deal with that, and the car is at Sears now, getting fixed.
I'm at work - and it's Monday.

G started yowling this morning. I think he is really worried about Nikki now - even when he ran off, he normally came back the same night. It's been - 2 days now? So....yeah.

I just - it's weird. I've never had a pet DIE on me before - other than goldfish, and they don't really count. I've given away, or lost pets - but never actually had to bury one. I - almost considered getting him cremated but - no. Nikki wasn't fond of strangers.

I was supposed to go out with a friend on Saturday night - but I really didn't feel like - and I feel horrid for not feeling like it, but I feel like if I don't feel like it - then I shouldn't right??

I'm just babbling now. I had to write another entry though. *sigh*

And no, I don't plan on getting another cat. As much as I would like a kitten - no.  That's me logical side speaking. The much less logical side is saying - but G is going to be SOO lonely! And - only one kitty? We haven't had ONE kitty for years!! *sigh* But no.

How long are you allowed to be mopey?

Dumbass Til The End

Nicholas (Nikki) NickerBocker Black
August 23, 2002
to
August 26, 2005

So, I'm sitting in the chair in the living room, reading a book. Nikki starts yowling like he sees another cat outside - and I lean forward to see if I can see him sitting at the front door. I don't see him, but I see G (my other cat) looking in the kitchen. I call Nikki, and he stops yowling. A few seconds later, I hear this noise like he is trying to get into the broiler tray, so I get up to see what the hell he is doing.
He's laying in front of the stove, completely limp, his mouth wide open - I look (thinking he's choking) and his entire tongue is blue, and swollen so badly that I can't even move it to try to free his pathway. I start crying and calling his name - and I can still feel him purring for a second - then nothing. I, quite naturally, lose it - but he's so limp that I know - there's not a thing I can do for him. I'm sitting on the floor next to him, and I hear a buzzing sound. I look under him, and there is a live yellowjacket under his paw. I'm guessing that he tried to play with it/eat it - and it stung him repeatedly inside of his mouth & his tongue. I'm thinking that the yowl was when he was first stung, and the sound of him trying to get into the oven was actually him thrashing around trying to breathe.

I'm going to bury him in the yard today - I would have done it last night, but we don't even own a shovel.

I'm really going to miss my little dumbass, lovebug of a kitty with the tail that was longer than he was. My nickerbocker, nickkyhead, silly boy, with the silly snaggletooth grin, and the hopeless addiction to catnip and the deep and abiding love for warm laps and fingers with nails.

May the field be full of catnip
May you always be full
May there be no loud sounds
And may there be many good chinscratchers.

Be Well, Beloved Nikki

Logic & Emotion

I just finished having an - almost hour long conversation with several of my coworkers about doulas, childbirth, and their personal experiences of labor. It was - wonderful, and enlightening, and hopefully a learning experience (plus some GREAT free advertisement). It started with me bringing in my birth ball for my boss to sit on since her back hurt - and of course, everyone wanted to know what the hell was up with the big red ball in her cube (then mine, as the dang thing wasn't full enough to stay taunt in this cold ass office - but at least she liked it, and plans on getting one of her own). Anyhow - I talked to them, and they shared their experiences - and I gradually got the feeling of - *thinks*  sincerity. Not from them, but from myself. I'm a very left brained/right brained person. I - have feelings - but I tend to not trust them unless they are backed up solidly by my logic. And my feelings - as ya'll ALL know - say that I will be a wonderful doula/midwife - but the logic stands back and shakes it head and says that is an unproven supposition - so I don't feel quite - legit. If my OWN self isn't certain of my skills/abilities/talents - how the bright hell is anything or anyone ELSE going to be certain of it?

And I realize - I'm - shortchanging myself. I SHOULD have more trust in my feelings - in my gut - in that 'women's intuition' thing - that I KNOW I have - but that I don't trust. And yeah, it's been wrong a couple of times - but I need to remember that EACH time I was wrong - it was other people disappointing me, never ME disappointing myself. I can't control how other people act/react - even when I think that I know them well enough to be able to predict it - I can only control and be certain about how I will act/react to those situations. I need to have more trust in myself. Period.

*smiles* But - I'm - happy. *laughs* The website is halfway done (and yes, you guys will be the FIRST ones to get a link once it's complete) and I've already gotten the business cards designed. My next bit of work is going to be creating the brochures - and getting my name out there. Am I nervous?? Ohhhh yes - very.  Am I excited? Oh yes. Do I think I can do it? Definitely. But do I KNOW I can - no. And that, right there is the root of it. I need to be able to trust myself to say that me thinking I can, means that I can. I'm smart, and I'm stubborn, and I'm very, very, very persistant. I jsut need to stop doubting/shortchanging/repressing my own damn skills/lights/abilities.

It shouldn't be THAT hard, right?

Return Of The Space Cowgirl

I'm not a morning person, not at all - but this weekend has taught me that I CAN be a morning person when I'm doing something that seriously interests me - so it's not that I'm not a morning person, it's just that my job isn't a good enough REASON for me to be a morning person. Yeah.

Okay - the training. *grins* *laughs* It was - wonderful. Amazing. I've learned so MUCH stuff - new cool things that I would have never learned before. I don't think I've EVER been quite so comfortable in a group of all women that I've just met before. I'm - all kinds of geared up - and there is a long weekend coming up!! (How the bright hell I forgot about Labor Day, I'm not sure - I think I just didn't realize it was coming up quite so fast!) So - the training? 3 days, from 8:30 to 4:30 with an hour for lunch. A healthy bit of questions and answer lecturing, a nice couple of doses of humblepie for me (I really DON'T know that much when compared to other who are interested in this as well - and MAN my childless state means that I miss out on some of the 'normal' stuff). The first day was mostly lecturing/question and answer - the second day we learned pain relief techniques, and the third day we did scenarios and covered post-partum care.
There were 9 of us - ages from 23 to mid 50's. Three of us were childless, 4 of us had kids, and 2 of us were grandmoms. Two black women, seven white women. 8 from Tn, 1 from Ky.  It was - really, really, really, good.  Do I actually FEEL ready to be a doula? Umm... yeah?? Am I still nervous as hell?? Oh, DEFINITELY. Do I think I can pull it off - HELL YEAH!!! *grins* And I've decided that I'm DEFINITELY crazy, as I am looking FORWARD to experiencing labor. I KNOW it's going to hurt more than anything I've ever experienced - and that is also part of what I'm looking forward to. In my mind - labor is a challenge - a call for you to be able to take yourself to your limits, and far far far beyond, and end up with the most amazing thing that you could ever create. *rubs arms* I'm giving myself goosebumps over here.

I also met one of my online friends, and her husband and one of his friends. We met at a coffee shop, and sat and talked for - NINE hours. From 7:00pm until 3am, and the conversation FLOWED. We touched on all of the 'taboo' topics, and I swear, I can't remember the last time I had THAT much fun with a group of new sober people in - ever. I really didn't WANT to go back to the hotel, but since the training started at 8:00am the next morning, I still had a writeup to do, and I had to get up extra early to check out, I figured I should DEFINITELY go on home. I didn't get to bed until about 4:30am, but oddly enough, I really WASN'T tired. Once again, my night owl tendencies coming out....I ran until 9pm last night on three hours of sleep - and even once I got home, when my head hit the pillow, all kinds of business ideas and bright thoughts and other stuff started bubbling up. I had to get up, get a pen and some paper so that I could write most of this stuff down before I could even settle in enough to go to sleep.

And!!! When I got home, my beloved, sexy, wonderful tasteful husband had rearragned out furniture - so now we have a GORGEOUS house. Oh. My. God. It's - hot. I mean - this furniture FITS so damn well, its scary. I think that the only thing missing is a comfortable and stylish computer desk that doesn't LOOK like a computer desk. Something tells me finding that is going to be an adventure - I wonder if I could get someone to build what I want??
*grins* Of course, he had an ulterior motive for getting everything set up, as he was having a card game with the 'boys' last night, but it was still a wonderful thing to come home to.....

And of course today, my ass is DRAGGING. It's not the lack of sleep, it's the job. *deep breaths* I'm walking a path - it's not a path that can be run, or driven, it HAS to be walked. And I have no doubt that as I walk this path, I WILL reach my destination. I'm just - eager for the journey to reach that first waystation, thas all.

*plods off*

Pre Weekend Jitters....

So. I'm leaving tonight to go to the doula trianing this weekend....and I'm nervous. It's not that I think I'll screw anything up - cuz I'm pretty sure that I won't. It's not that I think everyone will look down on me, cuz I don't think they will. It's not that I think I won't fit in - because all of us will be there, focused, on learning how to be a good doula. But I'm still nervous.
I think - I'm pretty sure that I'm nervous simply because I'm DOING it. I'm not just talking about it, just reading books, just half starting websites, just desgining business cards and brochures - I'm actually getting OFF my ass, and taking ACTION, and taking a real, physical step towards doing this, and honestly - I'm scared. What if I suddenly discover that I don't like it? What if I pass out at the sight of blood? What if - I mean - what if I never find anyone willing to let me be their doula? It's - so damn exciting, and so damn important, and so - scary all at once that I'm like - EEEEEEEE!!

Not that you can tell, of course, but yeah, me freaky out just a little bit. And I'm sure that I'll get there, and I'll make some cool ass new friends, and I'll learn a shiteload of stuff, and I'll come back fired up, and ready to finish the website, and get shit jumping.

*fans self*

So - in my normal spirit of being nervous as hell, I haven't done shit to get ready.  Well, that's not quite true - I went home last night and washed clothes. So - just to focus on the concerns I CAN control - here's my rough packing list (which yes, I will print out and take home with me tonight)

All the Required Reading Books
Doula Bag (I have a copy of The Birth Partner, Baby Wipes,  extra socks, a change of undies, baby powder, rice sock, and......something else in there)
3 very casual outfits, 2 nicer outfits, one club outfit (plus draws & bras as needed).
Shoes (dammit, I need to buy some new shoes!!)
3 flaky books
Tolietries (dammit, I forgot to wash my favorite towel!)
Snackies
Computer Supplies

I think that's about it. I'm sure I'll end up with more stuff, but it's ONLY a three day trip. The training is Friday, Saturday & Sunday, and I should be home by 8pm or so Sunday night, assuming we don't run over. It starts at 8:30am, which is why I'm leaving TONIGHT, so I can get a good nights sleep. Hopefully.

*frets uselessly*

Answers,

Now, though, I'm in the questions mood. ask me anything, signed, unsigned, private whatever..... I don't think you guys could come up with something that I won't answer....

Myssk asks: *paraphrasing* Muslim?? Did you grow up outside of the US or something??

Nope, nope, nope. Boy - how to run through this one....I was born in Washington DC, and lived there until I was five. My mother embraced Islam when I was two, and from two until *thinks* 18, I was about as Muslim as you could get. She got married when I was five, and - honestly, I dug the dude until I hit about 11/12 or so. From then until 15, when she divorced the bum for the third (and in Muslim fatwah/law FINAL) time, I hated his guts with a deep burning fiery passion. He - my mother allowed him to turn her into a meek little mousy woman, who couldn't take care of herself, and didn't believe in herself or her own intelligence. Gah. Anyhow. At 15, I started school for the first time, and after my first year, told my mom that I wasn't Muslim anymore. I wouldn't reconcile who I was and who I wanted to be with the strictures of the religion as I grew up in it. I know, most likely better than most people, how the spirit of a faith can be corrupted into a law, but - it was the law that was the faith I knew, not the spirit. And that faith was - misogynistic, violent, and quite shamelessly patriarchial - no real suprise for a Middle Eastern faith, but - I felt that if I remained Muslim, I would be commiting a worse sin of hypocrisy than if I abandoned the faith altogether. Me & my mom came to an 'agreement' that I would still wear the outer symbols of the faith (headpiece and long skirts/pants, long sleeves) until I graduated.

The day after my high school graduation, I took off the headpiece, and wore a short skirt and a tank top in public for the first time in my life. It felt strange as HELL, but - I got over it pretty quickly.  Any remaining signs that I was once Muslim?  *thinks* I still hum a few arabic songs, I still Salaam folx who I know are Muslim, and I kinda keep track of when Ramadan is. Other than that? *shakes head* I know that I've been shaped by the faith, but I couldn't possibly put my finger on what things are a part of me that I wouldn't be if I hadn't been Muslim. *laugh* Except - I might not want to be a midwife, funnily enough.

I got interviewed - and I want MORE!!!

One of my new faves Myssk, ever so kindly responded to my pleading and interviewed me.....

1. You want to be a midwife, which totally rocks my socks. Was there any event that led you to this, have you always wanted to do it, etc? In short - what made you want to become a midwife?
Hmm, ya know, I don't think I ever actually wrote out why I want to be a midwife - and if I did, I might have been in one of my previous incarnations of this diary.
I've always been fascinated by childbirth/pregnancy - and I've always been pretty damn granola from how I grew up, where cloth diapering, breastfeeding til the child weaned themself, slingwearing, and cosleeping was all normal - just as having your baby at home with a midwife was. So, I've always known WHAT a midwife was. Now, what led me to wanting to become one? It was about two years after I had graduated from college, when I was looking around at my life as a computer person, and realized that I would have to be getting paid a HELL of a lot more to be even vaugely satisfied, and I still wouldn't LOVE my job. I had an amazing example of someone LOVING their work in C, and - honestly - I was jealous.  So, I started reading some self help books that were written to help you - narrow down what you are most passionate about, and help you figure out how to turn that into employment. As I was writing stuff down, it hit me. I mean seriously, it was like a brick to the head. For a woman who has never given birth, I know MORE about childbirth than many parents of multiple children - both the natural/interference free type, and the hospital brand - and I'm PASSIONATE about it. Get me started, and I tend to usually shut up because people brush me off because I haven't had kids, and therefore assume that I have no CLUE what I'm talking about - otherwise, and esp, when I am in a group of like minded people, I can go on and on and on.  I LOVE helping/teaching people, and I love finding new solutions for problems that make everyone happy. So - that's what started me on the path of becoming a midwife. I've never - wavered on becoming one, I just bounce back and forth with the timing....it's NOT a job that brings in huge amounts of money (esp. if you choose to NOT work in a hospital - which is something I'm going to struggle with as a doula - I really DON'T like hospitals) but - it's something that would be SO very rewarding.

 2. Do you believe in god, gods, higher power, etc. or are you agnostic/atheist?
Wow - you are asking some really timely questions. I believe in *thinks* how to put this? I don't believe in a big entity in the sky keeping an eye on all of it's creation.  I don't believe in MULTIPLE eyes in the sky, either. If anything, I would consider myself a witch, I suppose - and I'm learning that I don't think I mean Wiccan, either. I believe that there is an energy/power/force all around us that we can manipulate through focus, and through energy manipulation. Gah. I still haven't totally figured out what I believe in, but I know that Allah, Yaweh, and God ain't really my friends, and they haven't been doing shite for humanity since they 'kicked' us out of the garden, so ya know - if Karma is a true force, they have a lot coming back to them. *LOL* talk about the ultimate DeadBeat Dad. 
I said the question was timely because I'm JUST starting to get involved with a pagan group here, and - hell, I need to figure out a 30 sec answer to this question that doesn't sound totally haywire, and FEELS right to me. I've gone through a couple of religions/faiths - Muslim, Baptist (for a real hot second), agnostic (which is still maybe the closest, but it doesn't - FEEL - right), and out and out pagan. When folx ask me what I am, I usually say Heathen, and they leave me right alone. Hah. As I was telling one of my friends (I LOVE Dogma, by the way) I prefer to have 'ideas' rather than beliefs, esp. consider I don't know.

3. Here's a fun one: Pussy hair - wild, trim, or shave? Why?
Shaved usually, as otherwise I truly turn into the wild country. Interestingly enough, I've noticed I tend to be wilder in the winter, and get trim crazy in the summer. I've been thinking about investing in a pair of clippers to keep the jungle in check. Why? *grins* I like the way it feels and looks - sooo smooth. Sooo sexy...and no naughty hairs to get in the way of any fun. Shhh - but I make C trim to. :)

4. Do you ever wish you could fly? If so, what inspires the feelings? Airplanes, birds? If not, what superpower do you wish you could have?
Wondertwin powers, Activate!!! *grins* Okay, but seriously. Hmm... flying has never been a big thing for me - if I had to pick on superpower, it wouldn't be flying....though it WOULD be cool as all get out. Let's see - one superpower? It would have to be *thinks* Alteration. Being able to turn myself into anything/anybody. Heh. That would be fun. If it had to be a more mental power, it would definitely be empathy - to truly be able to read others feelings/reactions/emotions. Not telepathy, because I know there is stuff in MY head that I would like to kick out, and that seems like an utter violation of privacy to be rummaging about in peoples thoughts.

5. What is one of the most influential books you've read? If you don't feel there's been one choose a "most" option from this list: creepiest, worst, best, boring, or erotic.
Hey! No Fair! I've already answered this one in a theme entry earlier this month? week? Recently. *ruammges around* Here it is..... and it opens in a new window too.....

Thanks a million Myssk!!! You've given me a chance to waste ALMOST an hour and a half at this dreadfully dull place of work - or maybe I'm just too fast for them....

Now, though, I'm in the questions mood. ask me anything, signed, unsigned, private whatever..... I don't think you guys could come up with something that I won't answer....

*taptaptap*

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Choices, Choices....

Perfect use failure rate = the estimated percentage of pregnancies that will occur if the birth control is used correctly and consistently
Typical use failure rate = the estimated number of pregnancies that will occur with a typical user who does not use the contraception consistently or correctly

Contraceptive Method	Perfect Use (%)	Typical Use (%)	My Thoughts
Spermicides	18	29	Is there anything reliable besides Nonoxyl-9? I can't walk around looking like I have crabs.
Male Condoms	2	15	I suppose, but ick!
Female Condoms	5	21	Um, No.
Diaphragm	6	16	Hmm....maybe, but you have to use spermicides with them, right?
Cervical Cap w/o prior pregnancy	9	16	Huh. That might be an idea
Sponge w/o prior pregnancy	9	16	Once again, Nonoxyl-9
Oral Contraceptives	0.3	8	Nooooooooooooooo!!
Contraceptive Patch	0.3	8	Hell No!!
Vaginal Contraceptive Ring	0.3	8	Just tried that one, and no.
Depo-Provera	0.3	3	*screams*
IUD (Copper)	0.8	0.6	*sniffsniff* How I miss you my little tinman. How I wish you had a sister who was good for a year.
IUD (Mirena)	0.1	0.1	Hormones = no thank you
No Method	85	85	Hah! That's called trying to concieve
Ovulation Method	3	22	Maybe - they have those convienent little monitors - I'd have to invest in pregnancy tests though - I'm paranoid enough as it is.
Sympto-Thermal Method	2.5	13-20	My temps are - odd. I tried charting them before, and my weekend sleep cycle tends to screw it up - but I might try, try again.
Calendar Method	5	13	My cycle is a little long, but regular as clockwork, so this might work.
Lactation (LAM)	0.5	6	Hmmm..... would have to ALREADY be lactating for this one, and that's what we are trying to avoid, so no.
Withdrawal	4	27	*snort* *snicker* *ROFLOL*
Abstinence	0	0	HAH!

I want to snarkily comment on the fact that the ONLY options on this list that apply to men, have existed since - hell, the Egyptians were the first ones to come up with condoms, I believe. And I'm sure even the PREhistoric man figured out how abstience and withdrawal worked. Where the hell are the YEARS of study and research on how to nip the SPERM in the bud rather than the egg? I mean hell - there's gotta be some pill that will make them all come out tailless or something.

Such blantant sexism - pregnancy is, and always has been, a WOMAN's worry/ problem/ concern/ issue. How irritating. Yet as soon as ya get pregnant - it's the male-created obstetricial mindset that is supposed to suddenly be better able to understand, manage and control a very female experience. Bllleeh.