Bolder and Bolder....

So! I just registered for Daughters Of the Moon - I'm throughly excited and nervous all at once. I - so often, I feel like such a poser in Wiccan circles because I know JUST enough to know that I don't really know anything at all. At the same time, I know that I don't know that much indepth information about wicca because it never felt quite right to me - it's like a Jew knowing the Lords Prayer - I've heard of it, I might know a few lines, but really - it's not my bag babe. So, thus, the nervousness, because I NEVER want people to think I'm a faker - I don't - as I like to say, "I'll never live long enough to fake it". With all that said, I'm STILL going to DotM. I think that - rituals aside - it will be a wonderful time to connect with local heathenish women, and just have a slamming amount of fun in the park. SO - Yay!! Now, I just must find a royal blue robe that I won't feel like a overblown cookie monster in.

One more for the road....

Yeah, it's been a LONG Friday. I got sucked into another blog thing, but once I hit this, I figured I was done - or I should be.

I think I'm going to leave a little early today. I need to get some gas.

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

Just Simmering Now....

So - this is going to be my comments that go into my final review (CSA) file. Since there is no documentation (which is shady anyhow if I was such a HORRID employee) it's all jsut my word against her word, but - I just found out TODAY that they review your CSA anytime you apply for internal positions. Nice, eh? I guess it's good I don't want to change groups anytime soon.

Anyhow - names blanked out to protect the bitches.

Formal Disagreement with CSA 2005One on Ones
May 20, 2005
June 15, 2005
July 20, 2005
August 8, 2005
September 14, 2005
October 12, 2005

OldBoss and I had regular one on ones throughout the time that she was at IP (before her maternity leave), and during these one on ones, I was repeatedly told that I was meeting expectations, and that she was getting positive feedback from other coworkers around my completion of tasks and my rate of learning the responsibilities of my new position.

Emails with Performance Comments
04/12/2005 – neutral
04/14/2005 – positive
05/03/2005 – positive
05/10/2005 – positive
06/02/2005 – positive
06/17/2005 – negative
06/24/2005 – neutral
07/12/2005 – positive
07/21/2005 – negative
08/18/2005 – positive
08/25/2005 – positive
09/21/2005 – neutral

This represents the list of emails that I received from Katie referencing some assignment that I had been given or volunteered for. Out of the 12 emails received, 7 had statements of outright praise for my actions (58%) , 3 had neither obviously positive or obviously negative comment (25%), and only 2 had outright negative comments (16%) – both of which where phrased in a way which asked me if I was aware that I needed to do a certain task. Since no one is perfect, I considered those to be negative remarks. One of the positive emails referenced the fact that I was going to be doing Primary production support – which is not a task that would logically be assigned to an employee who has no drive and lacks attention to detail.

CSA Comments
Reviewing my full CSA, I notice that in all of the objective sections, my manager noted that I had met the targets that were expected of me, including “Achieve all Project Milestones as denoted within the Integrated Work Plan”. If this target was met, how is it possible that I also put the same project tasks at risk?

Overall, not only do I disagree with my reported competency, I deeply disagree with how it was managed. In every position that I have held previously, if there was an issue with an employees performance, the employee was notified long before the final review time, given guidelines around what should be done, as well as support in changing the negative behaviors. Only once was I told of a failing in my performance, which occurred in the early months of my tenure at IP (no later than May), and that failing was due to a lack of clarity around the precise responsibilities of my job. At that point in time I requested that any failing of mine be brought to my attention immediately, as it is impossible for me to correct a failing that I am not aware of.

Because of the following, I strongly disagree with my final performance comments and ranking.
1) I was verbally informed that I would be ranked at least REC (Results Exceed Commitment) or RMC (Results Met Commitments) before OldBoss left for maternity leave.

2) I never received any negative feedback around my performance from my management or my peers.

3) I did not have a final review with OldBoss before she left the company to allow her to clarify her comments, or to document the situations in which I exhibited performance that was below her expectations.

Work - stuff.

So - I'm workng on my development plan for this year. Sometimes - I really wonder if it IS me that's the problem, as I don't remember recieving any notification that it was development time, but the rest of the team seem to be fully informed, so - *shrugs* I don't know.

I'm sitting here trying to fill this out - and I'm having a really hard time not basing any of it on my review from last year. (If you missed that drama, go back a few days and read 'Slow Furious Boil'). Over the last week - it's been - odd. At my last job, we were a real team. If there were interpersonal issues, they came out to the surface rather quickly, and everyone knew exactly where they stood. I thought it was the same way here, but based on my review - it's not. People here backstab, gossip behind your back, and tell the manager things that they don't have the cohones to tell you. And - I have a really hard time working in that sort of environment. I'm - not used to working with people that aren't honest with each other. I'm not used to working in a place that is so - calm on the surface and troubled underwater.

I'm supposed to select two weakness that I have, and that I want to improve - and all I can focus on is interpersonal development. I feel like I screwed up somewhere in my interactions with my team, and I want to repair that - but it's so damn insidious, that it's not something you can point to and say - "There's the problem!". And considering that newboss is saying that last years review doesn't exist to him - I KNOW that I shouldn't focus on repairing what I was told was broken - but I don't know what else to do, because everything that I think of wraps back to - Results Below Expectations.

*deep breath*

If I ignore the interpersonal aspects of my review, I suppose two things that stand out most are missing project tasks, and leaving errors in my work for other coworkers to repair - but then, of course, there is the lack of overall drive too. I'm taking this WAY too personally - but my work, my performance, it IS personal to me. Being considered loyal, reliable, and talented is - it's a big part of how I view myself, and how I assumed that others viewed me. So - it's a shock. It's a shakeup. Which is why I'm focused so hard on it.....

Okay. Two core competencies to improve. Let's do - Drive for Results and.....
Peer Relationships? The thing that keeps setting me for a loop is coming up with action items for them. I - I don't - I honestly don't think that I failed in Peer Relationships, I feel like I was backstabbed. So - not that one. Lets do....Dealing with Ambiguity. Huh. I can use that skill everywhere in my life.

Quizzes.

quizzes are like blog Bon-Bons - small, sweet, and an utter waste of time (or calories), yet somehow, they make you feel better.

You Are 72% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded. Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints. But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line. You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

You Should Be a Science Fiction Writer

Your ideas are very strange, and people often wonder what planet you're from. And while you may have some problems being "normal," you'll have no problems writing sci-fi. Whether it's epic films, important novels, or vivid comics... Your own little universe could leave an important mark on the world!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Mariana Nanini

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

Your Birth Month is January

You are a natural leader who is able to stand up when no one else can. Strong and powerful, you tend to overshadow those around you. Your soul reflects: deep love, fascination with life, and a distinctive persona Your gemstone: Garnet Your flower: Snowdrop Your colors: Black, dark red, and dark blue

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

Your Job Dissatisfaction Level is 50%

Well, you don't have the worst job in the world, but it's not great. And don't worry, you're not the problem - your company is. Start looking around for another job, even if you're not totally fed up. Because in time, you're going to be dying to quit!

Should You Quit Your Job?

Your Mood Ring is Magenta

Weird Creative Insipired Thriving

Mood Ring Generator

So - finalized

So. Talked to C, and he just popped my whole and entire excited-about-getting-a-house bubble.

I don't talk about him here much - but - bugger, I've got to write this out.

He's a chef. He's a damn good chef, and he's working for a pretty flashy company right now. He's working way under his potential though. The hierarchy in the kitchen goes something like this - from lowest to highest...

Cook
Line Cook
Sous Chef
Exec Sous Chef (Exec Sous for short)
Exec Chef (Exec for short)

Before we left Indiana, he opened a new restaurant as a Exec, and he got fired because he was making too much money at a place that was hemorraging money out of both ends. In the kitchen/food industry, the classic way to rebalance the budget is to fire the person making the most money. Yeah, delightful, isn't it?

So, he didn't have a job when we moved to Memphis - the Indianapolis market was pretty stale, and since we knew that we were about to move, he looked - but he didn't find anything for the short term.

So, we get to Memphis, and he finds a job at the above mentioned cushy club company - as a line cook. He took the job though, mainly for two reasons. 1) The Exec there was willing to teach him how to carve ice. 2) The Memphis Culinary market seems to be very much an old boy's network, and he needed to get into the scene somehow.

So, he's making crap money. Really - it's nice to have the extra money, but - it's crap money, all the same. He talked to his Exec earlier this week about starting the process to be officially certified as an Exec Chef through the company  (dammit, let's call them CC, Inc.), and seeing how things lay six months from now, and maybe getting an Exec position at another one of CC's locations....or maybe getting an Exec job in the Memphis area at one of the free standing restaurants, or maybe getting a Sous/Exec Sous position at the place he's at now.

But - I'm sure you see the dilemna, and oddly enough, it hadn't really - presented itself to me in my mind that way. I mean, yeah - I had heard him talk about getting a Exec position at another ClubCorp location - but it didn't CLICK. It didn't click that that potentially means that we WON'T be staying in Memphis for any extended period of time, and - Gah. I'm having a REALLY hard time with that.

I like Memphis. I like the people - I'm actually starting to make friends - I like the cost of living - I like the home prices - I like the climate - I like the location - I really dig this city. And we had both talked before about really wanting to make Memphis our long-term home, and it bugs me to no end that we are going to put ourselves in a holding pattern for - shit - at least a year, possibly two - before we figure out where we are going to actually SETTLE DOWN - because of a bloody POTENTIAL job.

Bugger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And - and - what if we DO end up staying in Memphis? How long is it going to take for us to be SURE? How high will the interest rates be then?

And the thing that really bugs me is that - *sighs* I know. I know - after being with him for SIX YEARS - that - really, the food industry is about the least farking stable industry EVER. Okay, okay, Music might be worse - but you get my drift. And - and he can work ANYWHERE - that's one of the perks of being a chef - people want to eat the world over. And - it - bugs me - that we are going to be in a holding pattern for maybe a year, maybe two, for a chance at a job that he might not KEEP for more than a bloody year. *sighs*

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

I'm tired of not having roots. I'm tired of not being settled. I love my apartment, I do, but - I'm almost thirty, and I think I'm sick of moving. I don't think I ever want to move again. Maybe I'm being too narrowminded to think that I will like another city as much as I like Memphis. Maybe I'm being stubborn because that house REALLY spoke to me. Maybe I'm being stubborn because I'm just a bundle of ticking nerves and impatient motives.

But - I don't even know - I can't  - I can't even begin to - to try to explain this to him. Is it fair - in any way shape or form - to say to him - I want to stay here. I want you to find a position HERE - or at least close to here - that will satisfy you. I don't WANT to be in a holding pattern until 2008 before we can seriously sit down and talk about buying a house because we are actually going to STAY in a city. And - I don't think it is fair. One of the main reasons that he's looking for a better job is so that I don't have to work, and we can start having kids - and I know that, and I know that he knows that, and - dammit, it's frustrating, but is it fair?

Hey, who knows - maybe he'll get an Exec position next week and this will all be a moot point. Maybe he'll be able to stay and move up at the location that he is at in six months, and maybe that house will still be on that market. (Notice how it's 'that house' instead of The House now?) Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe I'll win the lottery tommorow and none of this will matter.

Today though, I'm pretty damn bummed out.  

Peace

There are times when I simply cannot find peace. I'm too full of wants/needs/musthaves that are not in reach - that my whole being seems to just be spinning helplessly in circles. I'm a very logical person - I don't function well with uncertainty or sudden changes, and when I am shaken from my normal place of calm, it takes me a while to settle back into that state. For me, a large reason why I am - craving - a spiritual place/path is so that I can have a shortcut to peace. A quick way to slip out of the confusion and dizziness that I manage to get sucked into simply by going through life - and to slip into my centered naturally peaceful core.My usual quickest route to peace is nature - sitting under a tree, staring at the sky, listening to silence and smelling earth - but over the years - that has become less and less effective. I'm afraid that I'm losing touch with the - openess that allowed just the environment to calm me. Or maybe I'm growing so that what disturbs me is major enough that the simplistic things can no longer 'bring me down'. Serene.
Peaceful.
Calm.
Willow.
Grace.

So - further.....(edited)

I feel like - I don't know. I feel like I think I might feel when I first find out I'm pregnant - scared, excited, overwhelmed, a little apprehensive.....hell,  after all the birth stuff I do, I might NOT feel really this - odd - when I find out I'm pregnant.

Okay - you might wanna read the last entry before I get into any more details....go head......








So! I left work at 4:50ish.... and got stuck in a bit of traffic, and finally made it out to the area that the house is in. I had actually driven by this area several times, and I had always thought about how much I would like to get a house in that neighborhood  - it was very quiet, and very green.
So... I drive down this itsybitsy little road, and I drove past the house the first time, and then turned around, and found it.
First cool thing - the place has a semi circular driveway!! It isn't PAVED - but still - the fact that it has one is - mondo cool.
From the outside - *holds chest* the picture doesn't even BEGIN to describe how - wonderful, lovely, perfect, amazing this place is. It's on 1.68 acres - and wow, that's a lotta land. Well, not really a LOT of land - but more than enough to feel comfortable on. The outside actually looks better than I thought it would from the picture online. It's got this really funky halfworkshop/half polebarn thing in the back, and there is junk dumped off in one corner - but really, it - it wasn't a shack.
It wasn't a shack.

Oh. My. God.

And C is working nights, so he doesn't get home until - gah! 9? 10? 11? Who knows!


Workshop/PoleBarn Thingy (cellphone pics, so forgive me!)


Huh - I missed the ladder when I took the picture....


Better picture of the house than the one online.... It's funny - all of the accents on the outside are PINK. Like - PINK. The railings, the shutters - PINK. Why? I mean really, WHY???




Junk in one corner.....



*sighs*

I couldn't peek in the windows like I wanted to cuz they left curtains up.

So. So! What the bright blooming hell do I do next? Get an appraiser, and an inspector, and check to see if we can get the mortgage. A mortgage.

Oh. My. GOD.

I am seriously considering buying a house.

Tell me I'm crazy.

Edited: *laughs* babybutt pink!!! No, it's Salmon Pink....and yes, the pole barn is SOOO going.

So. (edited)

Interest Rates have gone up.
Our lease ends this month.
I think my cat ran away.
I still haven't actually planted anything in my garden.

All of this combined, adds up to one thing - I'm finally going to go and look at the house. Yes, The House.

I've done some research into various mortgage types. We still don't have a downpayment - that medical leave REALLY screwed with our finances - thankfully, we had enough saved to cover everything - but well, it's what we had saved. So.

I think it's going to be a fixerupper of a house - simply from the age, if nothing else. But - there are fixer upper mortgages, and even with renovation costs rolled in, it's still under my personal price threshold. And then, even if it wasn't a super fixer upper, we want to make it green - so, that's still some renovation.

I'm - very picky. And - I don't think that's a bad thing when it comes to taking on the biggest debt load of my - our - lives. And this house - as long as the roof isn't falling in, or it wasn't previously occupied by crackheads (and I've even got a little flexibility there) - this house fits every. single. one. of my requirements.
Over an acre of land - check. 1.68 acres, in fact.
At least 4 bedrooms - check, exactly four bedrooms, AND a den.
Old Trees - Check. The place actually backs up onto a PARK.
At least 2 bathrooms - Check. It's got - 2 bathrooms.
Under 125K - Check. Even with the renovations, it might still be less than that.
Within 1/2 hour of work - Check. It's 28 minutes to my job, 25 minutes to C's.

The cons.....
It's old - 56 years, to be exact (But I want an old house - how else will you get old trees??)
It doesn't have central air - a fact that I have carefully kept away from my husband (I'm sure this can be included in renovations, though, yes?)
It's probably going to need some repairs (but that's what the 203(k) mortgage bit is for!)

*sighs*

As I told my leon, I have to logically eliminate reasons to NOT buy the house before I see it and my emotions take over.

So. I'm driving out there tonight to take a gander. If a) All the windows are intact b) the roof appears to have no holes in it and c) the walls make a roughly 90 degree angle.... what's next? I would think I would have to talk to the realtors first - getting a 203(k) mortgage isn't something you can do and then jsut buy ANY house - it's meant for a very specific house. Get a housing inspector. Get a independant appraiser. Get an idea of waht we want to do to the house - is there a green way to do A/C??

*sighs* I'm so nervous, because I'm so certain that I WILL be disappointed, and The House is really A Shack.

I suppose, I need to be honest with myself - and me & C really need to sit down and talk about what we would be willing to live with/fix/rip out. But - Gah!!

Okay. Nothing more until I see the place.

Please, please, please, please, PLEASE let it be a House and not a Shack.

Edited: So. Actually found some ovaries and called the realtor. He says the house is liveable (of coure he would!) and commented that it's rather big, and that we won't be able to sell any of the land as another lot (as if we would WANT to), and that the owners moved to Millington (Akota, according to the tax documents) and he wants to get it off of his hands so that he can stop paying taxes (which means the house is paid off, which doesn't suprise me) and Ed (the realtor) would be thrilled to show the house anytime I wanted to take a gander at it.  He tried to imply that there has been other interest - which, it very well may have been - but he said it picked up after they dropped the price - but that happened MONTHS ago - but he also implied that the owner would be - amiable to any REASONABLE offer - which makes sense, as anything he gets is pure freakin profit! So. I feel better. He asked if I had drove by, and I said no - I saw it online. So - drive by tonight! And! The house is currently vacant, so I fully intend to stop, poke around, peek through a few windows, wander into the backyard - the whole nine.
Damn - I should have asked him when they moved out.

On Being Artful....

Huh - who woulda thunk I'd ever be saying this but - I love my job, at this particular point in time. Why you ask? Because it gives me enough free time to do research to my hearts content, which then allows me to actually do STUFF when I get home.
Anyhow - I'm on the path to starting the next Ma'at statue.

I've printed off some pictures to give me an idea of what the face should be like, and I've read up on some standard sclupture suggestions. I think that the main thing I did wrong was not having any batting to rest the scuplture on so that it wouldn't flatten on the sides. Also, I think that the fact that I used clay that had a VERY soft color mixed in with it didn't help either.

As I was rummaging around, I found this article, and one of the things that really caught my eye was this quote:

For example, in ancient Egypt, color, not type of material, was evidently the primary criterion of value. Egyptian taste in jewelry favored solid bars of vivid color, particularly blue and orange. Opaque and semi-translucent gems such as lapis lazuli, coral, turquoise, carnelian, and sard were highly valued. Masterpieces of ancient jewelry, such as those made for the boy king Tutankhamen, were beautifully worked in gold by skilled craftsmen. These pieces included gems such as turquoise and carnelian alternated with stones of faience (a ceramic glass of melted feldspar) dyed to resemble a specific gemstone; in short, a fake! Was this due to a rarity of materials? It was obviously not a question of price. Were the Egyptian craftsmen misled by clever forgeries? Doubtful! The Egyptians simply placed a higher value on visual beauty than on the pedigree of the materials themselves.
This seems odd to us today with our preconceived notions of what is precious and what is not. Would Cartier or Tiffany consider offering gold jewelry set with glass, plastic, or synthetic gems? Yet the glassmakers of ancient Egypt enjoyed royal patronage. The point is that preciousness was not an idea tied to the use of gemstones that today are called precious. The popularity of gem materials has waxed and waned over the millennia. The truth of this becomes clear when we consider that much of the gem wealth found buried with the pharaohs of Egypt, at Babylon, and in the royal tombs of ancient Sumer is what many today still label as semi-precious.

It was interesting reading that, because personally, I've never really CARED about the - heritage, I suppose you might say, of jewelry/precious objects. In fact, I usually consider most 'precious' gems to be a bright waste of money, esp. considering how FABULOUS the fake ones are. And what REALLY matters to me is how it LOOKS, not the chemical compisition. One of the things that bugs me SOOO much with jewelry (which I love) is that there are so few high quality pieces made out of 'mundane' metals & gems. So - that was just a bright spot - and another learning experience about the Ancient Egyptains.

But! Back to the statue. I've got more FIMO sitting at my house than I could shake - multiple sticks at, and I'm going to try and blend some lapis lazuli. I have granite - which is gray with little black and gray flecks, and I have all KINDS of different shades of blue - hmmm - I should look up how to make lapis lazuli from Fimo before I leave.