Mi amore

I love Shakespeare. His words vibrate across years, race, class, gender, sexual oreintation and age.
I love the ocean. It makes me shiver and tingle to imagine that I share the same planet with something so huge and so unaware of me.
I love thunder& lightening & wind. A good summer storm can go further towards making me feel over joyed and free and peaceful than anything else other than sex.
I love nikki giovanni. She is THE greatest poetess I have ever read. She slips inside of you and you quote her without even being aware of it.
I love my mother. She makes me strong. She lets me know that nothing is out of my reach. Even if she doesn't agree with what I am doing, she will not hold me back.
People have tried to make love such a dangerous word. Something that must be used sparingly if at all. We are 'allowed' to love our children and our mates and anything outside of that is suspect. That makes love too narrow...too limited...it decreases the amount of energy you can put into things.. because you work the most and the hardest for that which you love. And sometimes...if you don't have to work for what you love, you can simply be awed by the force and the power and the pure emotions that brings tears whether you want to cry or not and you can whisper with the last bit of your breath that is left: 'This is Love'.
Does your husband make you feel like that?
Does your wife make you feel like that?
Do your children make you feel like that?

Who ever you love will make you cry.
WHAT ever you love will make you cry.

Folx complain that men don't show love. They don't show pain, or tears or grief either. So why.. suddenly...in this slightly messed up society that we live in... should it be any easier for them to show love?

Stay Jazzed.

What looks Like Crazy...

Dancing until you're dizzy under a bright blue sky.

Never forgetting that each day is a gift.

Being able to forgive and move on.

Learning to let go.

Learning to hold on.

Flying without wings.


Spring is a strange time of year for me. It makes me feel light...weightless...like I'm drifting over the ground and nothing can hold me back. Spring is the time of hopes and dreams and magic in the air. (Some people call it pollen... I call it MAGIC). I woke up this morning and felt disassociated. I felt like I had left some pieces of me still dreaming, and that they weren't coming back. But time passed, and I woke up.. all of me.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I want to share something with someone...but don't know who. I think I'm falling in love, and I'm terrifeid of it. I don't WANT to fall in love with him. I want to be friends...very CLOSE friends yes.. but just friends all the same. But sometimes... when I think of him.. I want nothing more than to curl up in his arms and stay there until the world wakes up and makes sense again. And I feel this without having ever met him. The dangers of long term interent friendships rears it's head.

Yes..I know I'm babbling.. but sometimes in the process of that babbling truths come out that other wise would have never been dreamed of... or at least spoken of.

Ah! Floozies. such an old fashioned word isn't it? Floozies. It brings up images of women who move like quick silver, over-rouged, over-perfumed, un-caring about themselves. There was a checklist of what creates floozie-dom in one of the books I recently read.

1) Sleeping with anyone other than your boy friend or fiance
2) Sleeping with someone because you want to
3) sleeping wih more than ten people
4) Sleeping with more than one person in a 24 hour periond
5) performing oral sex
6) Sleeping with someone on the frist date

There were like 3 or four others, but I can't remeber them. The 'unspoken' rule was if you did more than four of these things, you were a floozie.
I am a floozie. Yup. once twice....maybe even three times a floozie. But I have no problem with it. Perhaps because I consider it simply to be an extentision of who I am. Ever meet people who seem to project their sexuality as if that is ALL there is to them? And they leave you witha slightly slimy feeling...that (in my ever so humble and personal opinion) is a floozie. Not because she LIKES sex.. but because she has turned into a walking sex. Not a sex object. not a sex toy. but just a sex.

I am a sexual being. yes. but I am also a creative being. I like to write.. I like to read I like to take pictures I like to have sex I like to cook I like to talk I like to flirt I like to dance I like to daydream I like to walk. Sex is just one of my many aspects. Which is why I have never had a problem with floozie-dom.
*grins* the floozieness is overwhelmed by the other aspects of my being. Not to say that some of those aspects don't retreat in the face ofa libido storm, because they do. But my world consists of more than just sex.

*side note( I tend to rant & rave alot..simply because once I get started I can't stop or all of the creative flow that I have inside of me will get backed up and I will BLOW up end side note*

I am a water woman
I walk with the flow of tides
claiming the ground I cover
I am a earth woman
I hold with the force of steel
and the gentle clasp of soil
I am a wind woman
I speak my mind clearly
carrying my own thoughts and picking up new ones
I am a fire woman
I glow with energy and
sparkle with the force of my heart
I am a spirit woman
I want to touch the world
without losing myself.


Stay Jazzed.

J said - Living Dead

I try to avoid it, and I usually manage to. But in the past two days, three things have conspired to shove me back down memory lane.

1) My mother called me, and asked me if I was coming home for a certain persons graduation. Ah. I think I'll call him Little One. I told her that I didn't even know if he WAS graduating, and I most certainly would not be coming.


2) This guy, on the bus that I ride home every day. looks JUST like him from the back. He is a little taller that Little One, but other than that he looks the exact same. He speaks to me on the bus, and we manage to have interesting conversations.


3) The sky today. I'm not quite sure how or why, but as I looked up into the absolute blueness of the sky, I thought of him. I don't know what memory was started by that, because Little One isn't the type to lay in the grass and stare at a perfectly blue sky. But something about the blueness of the sky and the sun and the tress made me think of him.


And I think that with every thought of him, he retreats a little. He was/is/has always been of a suicidal leaning. He often talked about dying before he was 21, and once he passed that birthday somehow I wasn't really worried about him anymore. But over these last few days, I realized that is exactly what he is, at least to me. Dead, his absence leves a little hollow under my heart. The hollow was intensely tender for a while. but it is healing. I have found new friends, and I have new paths. I no longer feel abandoned by him, I just feel as if he went on his own way down a path that it is not time for me to travel. I wish him well on the other side, and I hope that in death, he succeeds as well as he did in life.


********************************************************


For some reason I don't want to end there. But I think I will. I wish that I had some sort of poem or prose or quote to go here...but I guess that is how death is. Open and unending.


J.

J said - Women

I admire women.
Women who manage to remind me of how wonderful life can be over thirty.
I admire women who wear their gray hair as a sign of diginity and growth.
I admire women who stand up to whatever bothers them, and make the personal political.
I admire women who won't take no for an answer.
I admire women who with out knowing it themselves, know what we MUST do to grow as a people.
I admire women who can write and make me cry.
I admire women who can write and make me think.
I admire women who posses themselves.
I admire women who allow themselves to be themselves.
I admire women who want to be whatever they want to be.
I admire women who become what they want to be.
I admire women who raise their daughters AND their sons.
I admire women who love unconditionally...without being fools.
I admire women who give of themselves...and expect nothing in return.
I admire women who can say NO. And mean it.
I admire my mother...my aunt...my grandmother...my great grandmother...my cousins...my sisters of the hand and the heart.


J.

Random Notes on A Chilly Day

The fact that it is chilly outside is important somehow, seeing that I am sitting on my back ‘porch’ almost barefoot. But I needed some peace to write in, and it seems that here in the back I can see what I’m trying to say.

It’s getting warmer (over the past few days that is) and so more and more people are coming out. And as I walk through the crowds of tired, aching, drunk, drugged, healthy, pregnant, young & old folks, to get to my bus home, I can almost FEEL the/a self destructive force trying to suck my spirit away. I get so tired and so sad and so hopeless seeing people tear themselves down. But I had to just sigh, and remind myself: These ARE my people.

I walk from the bus stop to my house, pausing to admire the majesty and beauty that is the wooded field behind my house, looking like a little slice of heaven in the ‘hood’. My spirit lifts, and I am reminded of why I chose to live here. And I continue walking home, I watch the brothers teaching the smaller brothers how to play golf, and I have to sigh and say THESE are my people.

I get my mail, and as I do so I greet the gold toothed matron who rules the ‘stoop’ in front of my apartment with an iron hand. And I step around a wrestling/tussling match that ends with beer spilled all over the remarkably large baby in the stroller. As I lock my door behind me, I hear cussing and accusations going on as to who started it and how and why and ‘I don’t give a fuck why, y’all jes need to watch out for mah baby’ and I shake my head and remind myself that these are MY people.

I straighten up the living room and chat with some friends and eat something unhealthy as I try to pass the time until my sorors and our aspirant get here. I sit and read some Pearl Clege and wonder what happened to all the strong/beautiful/revolutionary men & women that she talks about and I realize that we have changed and converted into something different. We are confused about what there is left to fight against. We (my generation) are battling mists instead of the rock walls that her generation had to deal with. As I am trying to read my pearl, I hear a woman outside cussing and screaming about how she is gonna kill some man who did her wrong. Telling the baby to start crying for his daddy, because when the sun comes back up he is gonna be dead and she was gonna be in jail, but she didn’t care because he did her wrong. And everyone outside watched her in silence, letting her testify out her anger and rage and hopeless and weakness, but I’m disturbed because I can’t relate what I’m seeing with what Pearl is telling me. And I wonder why she has to be so loud so long, and then I sigh and remember, these are my PEOPLE.

So that’s why I’m sitting outside almost barefoot on a chilly day. I couldn’t hear what Pearl was trying to tell me anymore, and I wanted to write about what I had heard and seen all day, and the different sides of my people that I see. And so as I sit and watch the sun go down and wait for my sorors to come striding across the field, bringing a new woman into our fold, I smile and ponder the wondrous variety of beings that are my people. And I hope, that even with the challenges that we face... we wil lbe able to

Stay Jazzed.

Oopss...Did I do that?

I often wonder about me. *laughs* I guess that is what the main part of my life has been about, checking my mind set to be sure that I am okay.. that I am not expressing or repressing some painful history or memorires by my actions. I guess that I think that I can't just be me. Something outside of me is to blame. But I really DO like me...I'm just not too sure about the rest of the world. Anyhow...

I met one of my net friends Fri. night. We met through an 'adult' related website, and so I was looking forward to some sort of sexual energy happening between us, but it wasn't a absolute need. We had fun..went out fora couple of drinks.. went crusing through the city...came back to my house and messed around on the computer for a while. And while I was interested... I couldn't seem to make that first move. I am horrible and moving seduction/flirtation froma verbal/non physical level to the physical one. He (whomever that HE may be) always HAS to make the first move...but once that move has been made I tend to get rather... hmm... aggressive...*laughs* I think that he was surprised by the reception his move had.
Anyhow...we engaged in some safer sex acts...and after I had done (goodness..how detailed can I get before the DM wipes me out?) well.... I workeda littel mouth magic..and the result was to say the least..thrilling. *laughs* I think that my smug joy in being able to reduce men into small quivering heaps of post coital bliss has something to do with my whole dominance thing. As one of my mentors told me..."You are very passive aggressive. You manage to get exactly what you want, and let the person think that the whole thing was THEIR idea."
And I wonder if that is part of my innate bowing to societies (and religions) place of women. We can wield power yes.. but not obviously. Our power must be held in secret, manipulative and subtle.
Any how... I have been doing alot of non fiction reading lately.. which is kindarare for me. But I am trying to prepare myself for..what ever may come. Suddenly.. it is strange. I WANT to be healthy. I want to eat right..I want to be strong again. And if the root of that is a desire for my budding exhibitionism to be able to fully bloom... who am I to complain? My current book is called WOmen's Bodies Women's Minds, and it talks about how many of the 'women' problems that women experience are often caused by emotional distress going on in their life. I find the book fascinating, and as I read it, I am amazed by how HEALTHY I have been. I rarely get colds, I have never been in the hospital. never had a cavity, never hada broken bone. My only health problem is my weight, and that can be handled with..not ease, but witha good deal more simplicity than most health problems. One thing that the book seems to harp on is women who have sex with people that they do not love. And I wonder why, in this book that exalts women's own life choices, we are assumed to only enjoy sex if it is with someone that we love. It assumes that if one has sex with someone that you don;t love, that their is some sort of psychological problem with you. I wonder why the author doesn't simply assume that some women have sex with people they don;t love because the libido needs to be quenched. *laughs* I guess I am trying to understand this doctor's perspective on sex & the women's mind...and it clashes with what I know to be true within my own mind (and I am certainly a woman) so I try to dissect where she came up with that idea.

Well I guess that wraps up today's monolouge... I have to go and wash clothes now... so I will try to

Stay Jazzed.

Bi-lateral Confusion

Being bisexual is strange. It means that some of the time I gaze lustingly at men...but I go after women. And then of course..there is the times when there is a total change...and I stare and flirt with women...but have a boyfriend at home. And sometimes... when I'm around my gay friends.. I wonder how much the fact that I sleep with men... and like it affects thier feelings about me. Do they think I'm less of a gay person? Am I less of a gay person? Sometimes I wish that I could take back the fact that I have ever told anyone that I was bi..and simply live... lusting after women as I settled down with men. And in the AfAm gay community.. bi people (both male & female) are trashed as disease carrying sluts. *sighs* So it is really hard to find others (we are in two closets) and even harder to find other who aren't only trying to get into your pants...
It has come to the point where I'm looking in personals just to see if I can find someone to befriend...is that sad? or is it simply wise?

Sometimes I feel so alone
sitting in my room
lit by the blue glow
of my computer screen
then I hear the door
& an internet friend walks in

So I'm confused...I am NOT straight...I know that... but.. I feel like I'm missing something... this is another dark strange house that I am bumping around in...I think that I am painfully naive and so not innocent at the same time, because there is so much taht I have NOT expericenced... yet there is so much that I DO know about that there is this odd discontinuity between my knowledge and my experience.

And I wonder... I mean... maybe I just need someone to talk to...but the one or two people who I would feel comfy talking about this with are either straight or just as confused themselves.

(A thought just struck me...when I go back to school I can LEARN...without worrying about what grades I get. How amazing.)

I wrote a poem once.. about my bi-lateral life...living in two closets. Totally straight to straight folx.. totally gay to gay folx....it gets to be a bit of a headache.. but why am I in the closet at all? Can't folx take me for who I am? but evenas bold as I claim to be... I still am afriad of others judgements of me.. yeah.. I'm working on it... and every day I ahve to remind myself...

Stay Jazzed.

J said - Peer Pressure

I realized that to most people I am incredibly strange. I am simply NOT the norm. Never really wanted to be. Well maybe...once or twice. But anyhow.. I realized that compared to most of my peers...I'm damn strange. I listen to jazz more than hip hop. I read more than I watch TV. I prefer Malaysian food over Mcdonalds. I collect journals instead of mementos. I take black and white pictures of nothing instead of color pictres of people. I like to be alone...even when I'm with others. I'm not interested in sports, politics, actors actress or super stars. I would prefer to read Discover to Vibe any time. I want to be a writer when I grow up. I want to Grow Up. I want a house NOW. I want to garden. I dream in techni-color *laughs* but you get the picture...and sometimes I cacth myself feeling guilty for not being even remotely normal. I find that chit chat and small talk is hard for me to do. I mean..what common ground can we meet on to chit chat abbout?? So I tend to stay silent...watching from the outskirts...noticing group flows and interactions...but nevere really a part of it. And sometimes I feel sorry for me...then I realize that I am unique. Quite totally. While I have had many a person say I favor someone...I have never been able to remind people of someone else. And to me...that is a blessing. Very few people forget me, once they have talked to me for a while. Simply by being ME I stand out even as I'm blending in.
So I feel bad. Sometimes. and other times I firmly decide that I hate humans. I wrote, for a drama class, this loooonnnggg drama/play called Jupiter Lives. Basically it went through my life and stated that


And as I live, and as I grow into the woman I am...through me Jupiter Lives.


My momma lied to me shamelessly as a child. She told me that I was from Jupiter.. that her 'real' daughter was on Jupiter and we were part of some exchange program. Now while in cold print that seems kinda cruel...to me it was always an explanation of why I am so DIFFERENT. I have an extra line on the ring finger of my right hand. a little thing but... *grins* that is my symbol of ALien origins... I have only met one other person in my life who has an extra line...and he is kinda out there too.

SO that is why sometimes I hate humans. mainly because I'm NOT one...and because they do REALLY stupid things sometimes. not that I don't...but I shouldn't.

Have I psycho-analyzed my terror of messing up? Maybe... I'm reading a book now called Women's Bodies, Women's Minds and it says that we as women have become distanced from ourselves. We have been trained to ignore what feels GOOD in favor of that we have been TOLD is right. *sighs* So I guess I'm gonna go with what feels RIGHT to me...and if I mess up...well us Aliens aren't perfect either.


J.

Talking to Myself

I think that I will buy a laptop one of these days. Just so that I can sit in comfort while I read the OD.

I'm odd. *laughs* that simple statement compasses so much of me it's frighening. I find certain things amazing and others not so much so. I wonder about myself. I sit down and wonder... HOW did I get this way? what has turned me into the woman that I am today? I frighteningly enough... I have no clue. I have not flashbacks or insights into what has turned me into the woman I am today. I wonder.. what has created these things in me. Any way...today s Friday..and on Fridays I ususally do something fun & for me. But I'm going to save that until tommorow when I go to the Amusement Park...

I wonder if I scare people off. I can bea cold hearted bitch of a GREAT magnitude at times, and then turn around and be totally calm. I find that telling the truth is the hardest task in the world.. espicailly when it is to those who love you, and you love. OThers.. *shrugs* it is no big thing.

I want to start training to be a witch. *sighs* what exactly does that mean? I want to developw ithin my self a connection to my ENTIRE self as well as the world that I live in so deep and so pure that I can see/understand/grasp stuff that others are too mechanized to see. I'm trying to do it on my own...but I'm stumbling around in a dark strange house. And all the signs are in a different language. SO with much stubbing of toes and painful gaspps.. I;m trying to gain an understand ing what I am aand what my place is in the world.

I have decided... all on my own (with some encouragement from my body) to stop eating dairy foods. THat is one steps of my cleansing. I ahve also decided that .. *siighs* I won;t eat any more red meat... that cheeseburer I had at McDonalds was the last I will have... *sighs8 I try to think of it as eating rotting meat. Did you know that as SOON as something dies it begins to rot? so all of our refridergation and storage and preseratives is to slow the rotting process.. not to stop it. *shudders* I should wirte that up on a little card and pull it out and look at it everytime I get a desire for some bar be que.

YEs I'm rambling... but somehow being free of those that you love is a satisfying as being with them. Why is that? I stil feel the need to protect hsoe I love fromthe full force of my oddness. The ony person who knew how strange I was has passed on. NOt died...at least not physically, but he has killed our friendship. Plants and friendships are too things that die very quickly with consious neglect. But he was strange as shit too... so I guess that explains that.

I wonder what my life wil lbe like? I wonder if I will ever settle down? I wonder why I feel the need to? Somehow.. I think that i have some gypsy blood in me. The need to move on and on and on....*sighs*

I'm at work and I'm so sleepy yet I continue to write... The dance of my fingers over the keyboard is hypnotic..and somehow what I'm writing is no longer really coming from aconsious place. I am wirting twhat I am thinking totally.. nohing else is occupying my mind but the words.. the pure floww..ahh. I need to sleep tonight... but it is so lovely.. I think that I will go out. maybe.

Monica (the singer) has a wonderufl new cd out. I am hooked on her first song Street Symphony. 1) it has the LOVELIEST string section playing in it. 2) She is really SINGING on here...about something that (from the sound of it) has actully affected her.

I want to go and hear the orchestra...I thik that will be my going back to school gift to me. Tickets to the ASO. *smiles*

Good night all... stay Jazzed.

J said - Bored to Insanity... and Back....

I have decided that being at work brings out every POSSIBLE facet of my many personalites. Between chatting online with my friends and actually doing work and interacting with my cool co-workers... if I didn't know me better I might think that i was being two faced. but annny way.


Being at work when there is no work to do is a sad sad thing. I actully feel kinda guilty... because I look like a slacker. While I KNOW that there is TRULY not a damn thing for me to do...folx who walk by and see me casaully reading or surfing the net don't know that. So I feel bad.. *shrugs* they will get over it. Any how the important person (the guy who signs my timesheets) isn't her.. so what's the worry?


Okay.. I have to mourn for a moment here. MY entire dietary structure of LIFE is about to change. When I was younger, my momma would tease me and call me Mousy because I LOVED cheese. Loved it with a passion and still do.

Yet.. my body has decided that my love affair must end... because I have become amazingly lactose intolent over the past two months. I can't eat cheese...drink milk (except for skim..which is nothing but white water) eat ice cream... or sour cream... or whipped cream (damn) or anything else that had it origins in Milk. *siiiiiigh* I miss it... and I haven't fully accepted the fact yet, because I keep forgetting and eating cheese or milk. and a few hours later...as my stomach starting singing... I remember. DAMMIt. I can't even eat parmesan cheese... or the fake Kraft processed stuff. nothing. *sighs* Dairy.. I WILL miss you *lets taps play*


Anyhow..that SHOULD help me in my weight loss plan. I have just come up with something new. I call it the servings diet. Which bascially means I eat right . Three meals a day. One serving of whatever I'm eating. Two snacks a day of fruits or veggies(and if I eat veggies I can max out on them.. as long as they are PLAIN). Add that to my gym work... and *siiighs* hopefully I will be where I want to be by the time I want to get there. I am still not sure what wieght I want to be.. I don't think I want to be any less that 130...but it has been SOOOO long (almost 10 years) since I have BEEN 130 that might even be too small. So I will see...and I want to be the size that I want to be by graduation... (August or Dec of 2000...but for this I'm assuming Aug) so that I can buy a whole RACK of brand new clothes with my first pay check (yes... my priorities ARE messed up. Leave me alone :)


Also... I think I'm growing.. height wise that is... *sighs* I KNOW I used to be 5'3 but I haven't measured my self in a while.. and the men and women of Atlanta seem to be shrinking.. everytime I turn around I'm like DAMN...where are all the tall people..so I need to go and see what height I am again... just to be sure.


So that is my plan. simple huh? I need to go grocery shopping or it will turn into an I don't have anything to eat so I won't kinda thing. and I can go for long periods of time without remembering that I haven't eaten... *shrugs* and that isn't good.


Let's see.. is there anything important to talk about? oh YEAH. I got my season pass to Six Flags today so I might be out there EVERY single weekend... maybeI can meet somebody. and that wil lgive me something to do.. what are you gonna do this weeknd?? oh i don't know... go to SIX FLAGS meebbe?


I have a question.. (for anyone who might be reading this) Can someone suggest a GOOD dildo to buy? from personal expereince?? *grins* no I'm NOT trying to get naughty.. it's just that the damn things are expensize and I want to make an informed choice before go out a plunk down alot of money for one. I'm thinking about geting one of the life size & realistic ones... any brands? Makes? Models?


Well it's almost time to pack up.. and the sun is calling my name....Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag.....oh JAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG..... come out and plllllaaaayyyyy


J.

Fantasies

I want to be a dancer. or a escort. In other words, a stripper or a ho. I don't know why...but I have known that those were two of my life goals (things I want to do before I die) for a while. why? I have no earthly clue... it is most likely because those women see just how much sex (or the offer of it) can consume folx, and that fascinates me. And of course the power thing. I think later in life.. if I can find the right perosn (preferably a man.. but hey! I'll take a women too) I will be a dominatrix. Something in my life has amde me desire that sense of control over others. And my constant fasciantion with sex simply makes that more of a way for mre to gain control. Besdies all that.. I can WORK a pair of 6 inch heels.

So why haven't I? I'm over weight.... not grossly.. but enough for me to feel that I wouldn't get paid much for stripping... sexing..yeah I could work that *Thank you Dr. Kegel* but that striping I couldn't.. and yet.. somehow the fact aht know at this point in my life.. I could actually DO that (no momma no school) suddenly my goal (the latest one that is) is to get in shape enought o be able to strip. This will require three (or four) main steps.
1) Lose around 64 lbs.
2) Get about five or six shades darker (tanning salons and southern sun..here I come)
3) Increase my upper and lower body strentgh
4) Learn HOW to strip...I mean I work it now.. but I wnat to be GOOD.

I have noticed that if I don't really care about what I'm doing.. I will do a utterly half assed job of it. But when I CARE about my work.. I STRIVE to be the very best. and this work.. this is something I CARE about.

Of course.. there are the moral isues... and the societal mores (widely held morals)...but somehow those I'm not worried about. I'm worried about my own safety, and being able to walk away from it when I'm done.
And of course.. the temptaion of the CASH that you can make in such occupations is overwhleming.

It's wierd. .but I don't think that I should be so calm. I mean...prostitution.. *shakes head* but I have always been good about separating sex for fun & profit from love. Maybe it's cuz the first person I ever loved (and still do) I have never had sex with.. never even kissed. *dammit all* SO i have never confused passion with love. Sometimes I wonder if it is even needed... if I don't love you BEFORE I have sex with you.. I sure ain't gonna love you just BECAUSE I have sex with you. Ah well.

And I don't consider the work degrading. I'm one of those feminists who firmly believes that a womans place is wherever she wants to be.. in the kitchen... in the boardroom...in the air.. on her back. Hey.. whatevver works for YOU.

Stay Jazzed.

J said - To the DiaryMaster (and hir staff)

Thank you. for adding the lock. for changing the notes. for creating this space. thank you. I wish I could express it more clearly..with more force...with the full impression of wht I have to say.

I have written

I have read

I have listened

I have shared


This space is a gift to so many. and it has changged someone's life...somewhere. Thank you.


J.

J said - Infinity is unknowable

I peel off the layers
And stand naked
before me

Beggarman
Thief
Whore
what more

As I peel
I see
I dissolve away
I change out of
but not into
a shell
of me

Beggarman
Thief
Whore
what more



Babbling...I don't know what has come over me. I see words and phrases in my mind and I must write them. Maybe it's all the non fiction reading I've been doing. Maybe it is my own confusion about what is 'right' and whose morals I should lean on. Maybe it's a(nother) attempt to define me. For who I am.. undiluted by who other people think I am. What can I do? That will satisfy me? Can I ignore my momma...my friends...my sorority? Can I change into that woman who I want to be? Who is she?

*siiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh*


I want to do so many things.. things that are...kinda obscure.. no not obscure...just odd. Things that most folx DON't want to do...but I yearn for. A new experience. something...new.


Beggarman
Thief
Whore


Okay.. no I have no CLUE where they are coming from.. they just keep popping in and out of my mind. beggarman.. thief...whore.


Do you believe in past lives? Do you believe in present ones? I feel like I'm about to burst out of my skin...


peeling off
layer by layer
inch by inch


I want to be someone else. Not me but me. I want to be the me that I should have always been. Dammit. I don't know who she is though. I have to work towards her.. never knowing if I getting closer or further away.


until I can see
I will follow the path
I have not made

until I can hear
I will listen to the words
I have not spoken

until I can breathe
I will
die
over and over again


I need a guide to life. and NO I don't want the power of living....I need a guide to MY life. what should I do? where should I go? now I understand why people call 'psychics'. The unknowledge of my life is overwhelming. I am drowning in darkness. I don't KNOW what I should know..I don't know where I should go. so I stand still.


too many choices
overload

too many paths
terror

too much to think about
sleep


I wish that I had a guide.

I guess I can't trust in myself. not anymore. not...fully. I have made errors. I have been human. *shudders* I have become so used to everything going smoothly that once it isn't I don't know what to do. What can I do? what can I do....


I have choices.
I have options.
I have a goal.


Will it be reached?


J.

"...and she said...Let there be light..."

It always seemed appropiate to me to start from the beginning in all thingst hat I do, even when I'm actully somewhere in the middle of it. So here I begin..once again.

I am another diarist in here...someone else...but quite a few people know me there...both in here and out there in the wide wide world. So I'm starting something a little new...starting something different. Why? because being a Jazzybelle means that I will be cool. In the icy kind of way. I will be breathtakingly honest. Even with myself...and I will write things one day that I might not mean the next. And here...I won't have to explain what I meant...or how I said it...or why. cuz this is totally MY space...my place. And I'm gonna let down my hair.

I had thought about starting another diary and making it totally fiction.. turning the diary into a reflection of what I want my life to be like. But once someone won that lottery..I realized that it wasn't gonna happen that way. So I need somewhere to rant and rave and spill out my guts...cuz I'm letting down my hair.

So this is the beginning see? and I gotta bring you to the middle...where I'm standing right now, so we can walk down the rest of the road together.

The beginning...the womb clearly...but lets fast forward a few years (just 21) and talk about what has brought me thus far. I am my momma's only child...and my fathers oldest. I was Muslim in heart from the age of 3 until around 15....and Muslim in appearence from 15 to 18. After 18.. I was as much of a heathen as I could be...and still am. I believe in MAgic and witches and Voodoo and God/dess. I was/am in college, taking a semester off to save money. I live alone...and I am an artist...at heart. I work on my art...but photography is not the best medium for a poor woman to work in.

So where am I now?? what is this middle point? well...

4/2/99

Turning yourself inside out and checking out what is REALLY going inside is a fascinatining thing.

What is inside of me?



J.

J said - Babblemania

So what if I can't
fly without wings
scream to Arizona
change colors

I can be me
and that is better
than anything else

So what if I can't
sing like Aida
dance like Paula
or fuck like Vanessa

I can be me
and that is better
than anything else

So what if I can't
write like Nikki
or rap like Lauryn
or cook like Melle

I can be me
and that is better
than anything else

Cuz I can
Sing (like me)
Fly ( in my dreams)
scream (in my heart)
Change (my mind)
Dance (like me)
Fuck (so we like it)
Write (like me)
Rap (in another language)
Cook (so I don't starve)

And that is better
than doing anything else.


J.