Let It Flow

Sometimes I feel sooooo inadequate. I know things, and cannot find the words to share my knowledge with those who need it. I am not a word smith, I can be honest about that. When I look at the world around me, I don’t see stories or tales or poems, I see images and lighting and scenes. I work best, and I can acknowledge that, as a photographer.

But there are times that I wish that I could flow, that what I feel could be transformed into what I am saying, that the barrier between emotions and emoting did not exist. Reading diaries here has been causing that gap in what I need to say and what I can find words to say to become even clearer and more obvious. And I wonder, is it a matter of training? Is it a matter of hunting in silence for long periods for just the right words, and then suddenly letting it all flow? Or is it a gift, like being double jointed, that if you are lacking you can’t do the things that those who have do?

And then add in the fact that I KNOW that I have been known to be painfully blunt, though I honestly can’t remember having hurt anyone with my words. However, the fear is always there that if I let myself go in the ways that I need to, that all behind me will be the hearts and friendships of a lifetime, so I bite my tongue and candy coat my words and start to wonder how I can speak the truth through all of the honesty that is stuck in my throat. And I can’t understand why I can’t ‘flow’ . *deep breath*

Ultimately what it comes down to is fear, fear of others, fear of myself. Because I know in many things, I would prefer to hear the sweet truth that doesn’t hurt, and I try to give others that same chance. Even when I KNOW that what I need to hear is painful, and what I need to accept will hurt my heart & soul, I still prefer to hear candy rather than truth. I am trying to live a life free of fear, but it is so hard. How can you ever willingly open yourself up to pain? I have never been a machochistic person, never been one to look for pain, mainly because I think that I have had enough of it to not need to find more. But…sometimes that is the only way that you can grow, and to ignore a means to growth is to ignore a portion of life. Mercy knows I would never want to ignore any of part my life that I could grow from. *sighs *

So, here is a new guideline for me, a new approach to life. I will speak plainly, trusting in the love that I have & show to dull & dim the pain. I will face my own truths, and lose the candy. I will clear my throat of the honesty that blocks my truth, and I will learn to flow.


Stay Jazzed.