Gut Wrencher (Part One)

How can I explain what I am feeling right now? *sighs * I mean I like and respect AG, and I see what she is going through. What she thought she had is not what he is giving her… and he is hiding from that fact. I don’t want to throw being an emotional coward back in his face, but that shit is true.

He is ducking and dodging what is going on, because of the anger and hurt that might appear from others in the community. That is fucked up and that is all I can say about it. I am partially hurt because he expects me to write about it, and I will…but at the same time shouldn’t he be doing it to? Neither of us is in the wrong, cuz something sprung up and bit us both in the ass that we were sure we had gotten rid of. Humph. But if we hide from it, if we conceal it and sneak around it, then it sure as hell looks like all that was done between him & AG was a lie and a front and the he purposefully and maliciously planned to do this. I would have never thought of him as a weak man, but I see now that he has absorbed the whole victim persona into himself for far too long to shake it off.

Gut wrenching honesty… that is what my diary is for, and that is how I will use it. I give us about 6 months to last, because I don’t think he will ever get off of his ass long enough to get the hell out of Baltimore. Something tells me that ‘things’ will keep coming up and will keep happening that will prevent him from coming.

Planning and following through have never been one of my particularly strong points, but somehow he doesn’t even realize that they are a vital part of getting what you want. He can frustrate the hell out of me sometimes, cuz he sits and whines and doesn’t do shit about it. *sighs * And I have made a promise to myself already that I will not be the fire under his ass… I will not push and pull and beg and plead for him to do what he wants to do.. what he needs to do. He has been bitching about not being in school for I don’t know how long, yet he hasn’t made any actual plans to get his ass back in. He is wonderful and finding the obstacles in his path, and he is so tuned into the obstacles that he faces he doesn’t even see the paths that take him past them. * sighs *

And now he has made his diary private. Foolish foolish man… he is asking for a level of trouble that I am not comfortable with, but I will keep marching on… keep progressing on, and I hope that he tells AG something before I write about it…. Cuz otherwise he is starting a fire battle that he may have to stand on his own with. Personally, I sympathize with her, and I might be one of the folx flaming him for being such a fucking wussy. I know that this is something really really minor, but I have to wonder if it is indicative of something much more major that may come back to bite me in the ass later. He is so preoccupied with looking like the victim, the innocent one, the one who had no influence on what happens in his life… damn.

That is it. He wants to be able to blame everything in his life on something else… he doesn’t want to be held responsible for his own actions, much less the repercussions of those actions. When we were at this point before (almost trying to get into something) I opted not to because I felt that at that point we would mess up what we had as friends in our search for a relationship. Now… oddly enough I don’t feel the same way… perhaps it is because I don’t think that it will go very far. Why? He has to do so much in order to be able to move.

I will not pay for him to move out there with me. And when he moves out there, in order to live with me he will have to be enrolled in school. He hasn’t managed to get himself enrolled in school in his own home state yet, how is he going to pull off doing it halfway across the country? And he will have to work on selling the house, he will have to tell his aunt and his godfamily, and his father. * laughs* he will have to stand up and be strong and somehow, I don’t see it in him. This is the test of fire… if he can pull this off… he will be much much more of a man than he is now…and if he can’t I will know that we simply are not meant to be.

Shall I talk about the sexual issue too? *sighs * I really I am not interested in making sex be a large part of our relationship. I am really not interested in being reminded of what I do sexaully.. shamed? No.. just not trying to get caught up in what tends to blur peoples minds so easily. I was hurt that when he talked about writing an entry about what happened on Saturday, the things he talked about were what we did… the kissing and the touching and the holding, rather than what we felt, what we talked about, what we decided on. The sexual parts of that day were such a non-issue… * sighs*

I don’t know Jazzy...you might be getting yourself into something that you are not ready for. Or even better. Something he is not ready for. I wasn’t upset, I was simply disappointed that to all appearances that was what made the day special to him, and that every time he talked about thinking about Saturday his voice got all thick and gooey and lustful. * yeech* If I want random lust I can find that anywhere…. I expect more than that from him… is that asking for waayyy too much? I don’t know… that might be asking for too much from any man. Yeah I am lumping him in the whole random man category…. At least where this is concerned. I wonder if he is aware that I don’t plan on having sex with him for a goood long time…maybe never in our relationship if it doesn’t last long.

Another thing… (catharsis) I wonder when, if ever I will meet his Aunt & cousin… I think that at that point I might have sex with him because that would indicate that we might have something longer and worth while to deal with. Somehow though, I seriously doubt that will ever happen. *sad smile * Umph… I am not focusing on the obstacles… I a just trying to make myself aware of them so that I can know exactly what is coming up in my life….

I think that is all for today….

Stay Jazzed