Lies & Bullshit

I’m cold like ice, fighting the doubt and the disbelief with all that I have in me, with all the trust and the love that I hold. I know he is bullshitting me, *shrugs* without a doubt, and I shan’t sit here and pretend other wise.

The problem? Papi, the man that I love, that I am in love with, was actually in a relationship with another woman when he made his pledges of love to me. They ‘broke up’ roughly two or three days later, and he never bothered telling her that he was with me. Did I know that they were ‘together’? No… I knew that there was something forming…but that it was formed & whole & a real relationship? No...*sighs* I remember us talking that weekend about how AG (awaygirl) would react when she found out…and I remember saying that since you all (Papi & AG) had no real relationship, she may be upset and it may prove that the feelings that she said he still had for me and that he was denying having actually existed, , but that she was cheated on??

*shakes head* Oh mercy no…

And now the shit has hit the fan, and I don’t know what to do. Is there proof? Yeah…. in the simple matter of the dates that different things occurred. In the fact that when I went to see him, I was under the impression that he was free as a bird, that after his last g/f he had not been in a relationship. In the fact that he has been suspiciously quiet in this forum about us, and our future lives together. And what makes it even uglier, is the fact that we are both here in this place, and that we know of each other. I read her diary on a daily basis….

So what am I to do??

I could let go, just say fuck it…another piece of hurt to add to the list of men who have done wrong, but that is not what my heart wants. Mercy knows, there are something’s about him that worry me, that make me think that he needs some time & space to learn that taking responsibilities for your own actions is an important part of life, is something that all of us have to do, no matter what has been done to us.

But with all that….I still plan on staying. Even as my hands go cold with nausea at what he has done to her, even as my stomach clenches up in disgust at the things he has said to her, even through all that… I plan on staying. I am not ready to say that this ‘thing’ that we have has run its course. That this is the last chapter of what I had hoped would be a much longer book. Does that place me in denial? Oh hell yes…because I believe her, I simply do not doubt her words. And in my heart & head, I don’t believe him… its just too…pat. And that adds to my nausea because I am sitting her saying….that this man who I know cheats on his girlfriends on a regular basis….I am not leaving. Before him, even the minor suggestion of such a thing was enough for me to say it ‘fuck it…. I’m out of here’ But now, me the Queen of the Second Chance….is saying…. it’s okay.

Yes, I am needy. I know that, and I know that a lot of it is because of what has happened in my life this year. And yes, I am going to try to keep this ‘thing’ that me & Papi have going on…. how much of a fool that may make me, I don’t know. And the fact that I am willing to be made a fool of scares me. That I KNOW that Papi is uncounted miles away, and that it was a random chance that we (myself & AG) ever even had the conversation that led to this…shit hitting the fan.

Mercy I am sick. Talk about pulling the wool over my own eyes. I KNEW there was a reason that he never wrote about us in his diary… dammit I should have been more suspicious. And I think the thing that is letting me say that this is all good, that I can keep on keeping on in this ‘thing’ we have, is the fact that in the back of my mind, something is saying “ well really…. he didn’t do anything wrong to YOU”
fuck.

Stay Jazzed