Late Night Terrors

Perhaps the biggest idiot there is is the idiot that you allow other to make you be. Not saying that I am being an idiot.. never that. It’s just those creeping fears and those historic aches that make me wonder. Why can’t I ever expound on that which makes me happy? Maybe because when I’m happy my mind has no room for serious thought, the endorphins take over.

Paranoid? Yes slightly, but as I told Wayne.. it’s what keeps me off of the 5 o’clock news. I Think that I am more afraid that I am setting myself up for something that simply won’t be what I am making it to be. That what I feel is not returned, and won’t be returned. That what I want simply won’t come to pass, and that I should start preparing myself for that now. But I don’t want to… I want to leave myself open to be hurt, and leave myself open to all the joy that I can touch as I work towards that point. Makes sense? maybe, maybe not… but it’s what I need to do. I think that right now… he is my healing. Even if it ends up hurting, he is what I need . The problem is…. am I what he needs? maybe…maybe not.


I going to tell myself it’s the hormones, that it’s just me settling into the cycle of life again, because I don’t think that I will be able to deal with it being anything else. I really want a baby. or at least I Think I want one. or at least I think I want the one I should have had. or at least I ache each time I see a small baby… each time I read about one. Sean’s story is so precious and I think of whose life I could have changed or made better.
I don’t know…. is this a delayed reaction? I am not regretting doing what I did… I am just looking forward to creating a stage in my life where I am ready & prepared to bring a life into this world. Suddenly it’s like all that matters is that I settle down, and create a foundation for me and mine so that I can create a family. But I just have to keep telling myself that at this point I’m just not ready…but then the thought creeps up…when are you ever truly ready? And am I trying to force this thing with Papi so that I will be ready sooner? and where is he? *siiiiighhs* And LittleOne doesn’t believe in love. Why am I not surprised?

Stay Jazzed.