A weighty matter

Dear Miss Manners,
I have been married to the girl next door for 22 years and when we married we were both in very good shape. We have three wonderful children and a marriage that lacks for romance.

I have maintained my size and shape after all these years because of my workout habits. My wife, even after the three births, was able to maintain a very sexy figure for years because of her workout habits.

Over the last six years, she has lost most of the joy and a majority of her discipline to work out and has gained weight. She went from a slim 120 pounds to 145 pounds and grew from a size small (6) to a large (10). Over the last year I have mentioned her weight many times. Too many times, to the point that I have hurt her feelings with several of these comments.

This is my question. How can I tell her the truth of how I feel toward her without hurting her? I still love her and would never divorce her but I have lived for the last six years with a women that I did not marry and would not have dated 22 years ago at her current size. She is only 40 years old!


Gentle Reader,
Honesty in marriage is vastly over-rated, Miss Manners has always thought. She can hardly think of a worse topic to be truthful about to your wife than that you feel aggrieved that her looks have changed after 22 years, and now consider her someone you would not date, let alone marry.

Even if you succeeded in upsetting her to the point where she wasted away -- although you would be taking the risk of driving her in the other direction, toward the refrigerator -- what good would it do you? She would only feel aggrieved that she married someone whose feelings had shrunken so unattractively.

The only acceptable way to go about encouraging her to lose weight is with flattery, not criticism. Tell her you are worried about her health because you love her so dearly. Tell her that the greatest present she could give you would be to let you see her once again in her wedding dress. Tell her that you hope she still finds you attractive. Just don¹t tell her that your having maintained your weight makes you entitled to a more attractive wife than you consider her to be.



Ya know - this is the kind of attitude that sends women into anoreixa. FOUR sizes over 22 YEARS and THREE children??? FOUR sizes. And he wouldn't have dated her at a 10? Oh god lord man! Did her marry her for her waistline or for love and compassion and trust and all that other good stuff?

Worried about her health!? *sighs* Since when does a size TEN put in the the 'unhelathily fat' stage? Even if she WAS say - 4'9....145 isn't super fat. Gee Whiz.

And the wife would be wrong if she complained that he couldn't get it up like the 18 y/o she married did.

Ugh.

jasmyn

Puzzlement

Not quite a wedding related entry - more of a marriage related entry.

I have this 'friend'. One of the few I have in Indy, and she is a kinda odd girl. But I don't have her oddity weigning on my mind today. She got married in November (the first wedding I went to) and seemed like the very epitome of a happy, loving, bride.

Move forward about - ohhhh - a little under a year.  She's cheating on her husband. With more than one man. Doesn't seem to have the LEAST bit of shame about it either. I'm pretty srue she's been doing it for about 3 or  months. She's pursuing something with the pionist at her CHURCH, and has done 'stuff' already with the father of her oldest child.

And I'm honestly puzzled. I truly don't understand. I was a bit of a wild child (yes, I DEFINITELY had my moments) but I grew out of them - and heaven knows I wouldn't even CONSIDER getting married if I knew I was still in my wild child stage. So I'm wondering - what makes people stray? Especially married people...and even MORE especially recently married people. Does the vows that they took mean jackSQUAT to them? Do they not see it as a serious thing? Or is it just a matter of plain old triflinginess?

I actually don't have as big of an issue with dating people who cheat...maybe because it's a lesser commitment. Maybe because that commitment hasn't been pledged for life. But when married folx stray...it's so much worse in my eyes - and I'm sure it's because <b> I'm </b> about to get married - and I can't imagine even opening myself to the POTENTIAL of hurting C. that much. Or opening myself to even the VAGUEST chance that something that I do (to 'scratch a itch' nonetheless) would destroy our relationship.

Eh. Just had to get that out.

As far as how I feel about her...I've lost just about all respect I had  for her. I don't trust her. I mean really - if she is willing to cheat on her husband of  TEN MONTHS with TWO men - I'm sure she would have absolutely NO problem lying to lil ole me. Yet my lack of friends who live here is making me very slow to really drop her.  *sigh* Eh.

jasmyn 

Vapors

Is it really sad that I will sit and just stare at the countdown clock for minutes at a time?






Yes...I thought so too.


*silly grin*



jasmyn

stumbling into something....

That might just be wonderful. Okay - this actualy has a kinda long lead in, but you gotta get the whole picture.

Where I work is in a kinda industrial area - not too far from downtown, but not the nicest part of town either. Occasionally, we would drive somewhere for lunch, and we drove past this huge rickety looking building.
Shortly after I got engaged, I noticed seeing what looked like wedding dresses in one of the windows - but they looked - odd. Almost like it was a consignement shop, or a thrift shop or something. I could tell they were NOT the run-of-the-mill dresses - but couldn't figure out why.
Okay - fast forward to today...well yesterday really. I went out last night for a lucious steak dinner, and I had about 5 or 6 oz of sreak left - that I knew I wanted for lunch. However, by the time I got home the LAST thing I wanted to do was put together lunch. Since I only live 8 minutes (I timed it today) from work - I figured I'd go home for lunch. So - on my way home for lunch today I notcied the shop again - and slowing down -yes, those were DEFINITELY wedding dresses. I went home, ate lunch, watched half an old episode of SNL, and then headed back to work. Naturally - I stopped in front of the shop to look better. Yup - wedding dresses - but they looked NEW. So I went in the graveled parking lot, and inside waht turned out to be a rather nice little office building. Wander the halls for a second - and VOILA! A Custom Bridal Desginer. Yup. As in she MAKES and DESIGNS wedding gowns. :) I was almost giggling the entire time I was in her shop. It's a small shop - but the dresses that she had on display actually looked rather nice (from the light inspection I did).
I'm excited. Of course - she said the gowns range from 300 to 5,000 (depending on fabric, intricacy, and decorations) but STILL!

So. An odd little encounter today. :) My next step is to take some time and go to a GOOD fabric store and get a general idea of how much the kind of fabric I want will cost. Oh yeah - and try something like that dress on. Heh.

jasmyn

*does a lil dance*

Okay. I'm excited - ys I am.

I know, I know, I said I was going to leave the dress thing alone right? But then! I was on the Knot (it's like a car wreck most days - sad & scary and utterly enthralling all at once) and was looking at this one girls stuff and she had a picture. What picture, you ask?? This picture:


which looks A LOT like this:

and then, I also found this one:

which also look alot like the one above it. The first one is a Simplicity Pattern, the second is a Mc'Calls pattern. I'm excited. I'm thrilled. I think that even if my mom can't/won't make it.... I could make it myself.

PS: After seeing them all together...I like the Mc'Calls one (with the blue dress) best. It's closet to the B.Moore dress.

*dancedancedance* The only thing is now - I need to be sure that I actually LIKE the dress on me. Wouldn't that just be SAD? After all this - if I don't like the dress. *sigh*

jasmyn

Hachet Job

I just took an axe to my guest list...and there are still too many people on there (for me).

I was talking to another bride, on another board - and she was talking about how she wants to elope. And that sent me back to thinking about how I pictured the wedding in the first place - very few people, very little hoohah - just me & the boy getting hitched. And I know that I'm slowly getting sucked into making it a big hoohah - and I'm not sure why.

My inital dream? No more than 20 people...but I know that's not going to happen because Corey's family alone is more than 20 people. However, I axed the ' & guests' off of everyone (unless they were married or had been together for over two years). And I'm still hoping that the 'friends' of the family all say no. I really wouldn't mind them NOT coming. Really. I wouldn't. The only people that I TRULY want/need there are Mitchell, Nee, Leon, JJ, my mother and my grandmother. That's it. From Corey's family - the only people that he REALLY wants there are his two brothers and his mother. Of course - since his family lives less than 2 hours away - the whole kit & kaboodle is coming (which adds up quickly). *sigh*

So. Don't know where that came from - it's not that I'm tired of planning (most is done and it still feels fun :)) it's more that I'm concerned that what we end up with will be something more than what we really wanted..

---

Okay - on to more cheerful things. We were thinking of having bookmarks for favors - something sweet that speaks to how we met. Instead though - I'm thinking we should have paper parasols - painted on one side with the symbol and on the other side with the date and our names. A nice stencil for both and a can of gold and burgandy spray paint and it will be all set. And - they will be useful as it will provide shade for the guests as they sit and the ceremony procedes. Besides - they are a hell of a lot cheaper. :) This is them:

and they open up to be about 32 inches. :) 24.95 a dozen...

What else? I'm still pondering the whole dress issue. GAH! I don't know. I think I'm just going to push it out of my head for right now - I've got a while to go before I can really start to seriously think about it. If I can't find anything - I WILL wear the cream and gold prom dress that I have - it can double as a causal wedding dress with ease. I need to get it cleaned...dear god.

jasmyn

Danggit.

Well. It would be just my luck that the dress I really like (the Bridgette Moore) is only sold in THREE states (MI, TX, MA) the closet salon is five hours away and the designer - she's Irish. Doesn't even have a website. :(
Hm. We have a project going live in Kinsale next year - maybe I can make it to Dublin on the compnay. *LOL*

Blimey.

Danggit.

Well. It would be just my luck that the dress I really like (the Bridgette Moore) is only sold in THREE states (MI, TX, MA) the closet salon is five hours away and the designer - she's Irish. Doesn't even have a website. :(
Hm. We have a project going live in Kinsale next year - maybe I can make it to Dublin on the compnay. *LOL*

Blimey.

Dresses

Okay. So last night, while I was at LB (being bored) I was thinking about dresses. I have only worn two or three really 'formal' gowns - but I know jsut from clothing what does and does not look good on me. However, I was having the HARDEST time actually visualizing what my gown would look like. At a lull - I went to one of the big mirrors and pulled my hair up ( i rarely wear it up cuz it iwsn't really long enough to look right just yet) just to see what it would looke like. I looked REALLY cute (suddenly more bridal) and I had a vision of what my dress MIGHT look like. I'm pretty stuck on the 'no white, no ivory' but almost everything else shifted.




To start with - I would like this kind of sleeve/neckline (off the sholder - NOT strapless - I couldn't think of what it was called) and the bodice. See how it has all the pretty embroidery on it?





Then - the skirt I like would most likely be an A-line. Not a super full one (a medium to small crinoline) with a nice sized train. The train bit suprised me as I just didn't see myself in one - but hey - I do like the whole princess bit. I like this skirt:



but, I think that I like this one better (and it shows the train - I think I would want it a TINY bit longer unless it's all bunched up bhind her).




Now this dress I actually like overall - The shoulders, the little sleeve thingys, the skirt, the train - but it's by Brigdette Moore and it had a $$ next to it (Affordable- $601-$1500) in the Knot - so ouch. It cracks me up that a 1,500 gown is still considered afforadable. *sigh*




as for color - I think I want gold. Not like gold Lame gold, or even the common satiny colored gold. I think something like one of these colors would be really nice. I put them in order of the shades that I like best.








Of course - this would be SO much easier if I just took my tail to the store and tried some dressed on - but I honestly don't WANNA! Besides the fact that I'm a 20-22(18-20 on a GOOD day) and thus anything I put on is going to look oddly warped - I've noticed that the only dresses most boutiques even seem to HAVE in a 14/16/18 are the not-so-attractive-to-me 'plus size' gowns. Gah. So. I'm gonna wait for a little while...keep working out and watching what I eat and drinking my water - and try dresses on around January. If I manage to find my dress by Feb. that still gives me 8 months to get it, get fitted (rolls eyes) and be set for the wedding...

PS.

Just found this dress. THIS is the color. Right here. *sigh* It's called Antique Gold.






jasmyn

Changes, changes.

Hm. We are considering changing the wedding date. I really liked it because it was on the third anniversary of the day we met, but it's a MONDAY (a holiday Monday, but still). Ick. *sigh* So - maybe push it back a day to Sunday - and actually we will save a little money doing that as you get a cheaper rate for rentals (the full weekend) when it's done on a weekend.
Hm. Don't know. Nothing has been booked yet, so I guess this is the right time to think about it, eh? I just realized I am going to put the deposit down on the site on Friday, Sept 13. *cue ominous music* Hm.
I've found some discounted stuff that I plan on taking full advantage of - for my guests...since all of his live less than 2 hours away.

Airlines
American Airlines,wedding fares,800-221-2255
Continental Airlines, 800-468-7022, www.continental.com
Delta Air Lines,domestic group fares,800-337-4777, www.delta.com
Northwest Airlines, 800-328-2216, www.nwa.com
Southwest Airlines, 800-433-5368, www.southwest.com
United Airlines, 800-426-1122
US Airways, 877-874-7687, www.usairways.com

Hotels
Hilton, 800-321-3232, www.hiltondirect.comMarriott, 800-831-4004, www.marriott.com

Cars
Avis, 800-525-7537, www.avis.comHertz, 800-544-0058, www.hertz.com

The only thing is that for the airlines, I know you have to have a minimum of 10 people booked on it, so I might only pick two airlines. I don't know how it works for the hotels or the cars. But... I'll find out.

*SIGH*

*yawn*

Must decide. Flip a coin? *LOL* I'm so sick. It's gona be Sunday. Now to run this past Corey....but something tells me he won't mind. Gah. The only thing he has minded about thus far has been the food and the officiant. But I'm thinking that might be more than usual. :)

jasmyn

The Dress Dilemna

Something just crossed my mind - what is it that is so darn special about a wedding dress that demands 50 trillion alterations? It's (when you come right down to it) a white or ivory or whatever colored evening/formal gown. In other words - a really dressy dress. I know that most women can stroll into their neighborhood Saks and pick up a dress off the rack that FITS - no major bust/waist/hip/length alterations needed. Why is it then, the second you step into a bridal salon, you are almost EXPECTED to have five or six fittings?? Come on - I can understand that for a custom made dress, but when you are working off of a basic pattern? Is there something right fishy here or is it just me missing something? If everyone in my high school class who wanted to go could find something off the rack to wear (and we varied widely in sizes) why the devil can't bridal manaufacturers do the same thing?? I think they PURPOSELY make the dress shaped 'wrong'. It doesn't cost the designer anything extra as they can custom make ONE for their model - and the dress shops get a HEALTHY boost in their income because women come back to them for alterations. Just think - the worse fitting the original gown is - the more alterations you need. If one designer made rather wonky dresses, giving the bridal shop more alteration money, maybe the bridal shop will buy more of his or her dresses - perpetuating a cycle that only the designer and the bridal shop benefit from.

*shakes head* I really don't know what I'm going to do as far as my dress goes. I don't want to even try ONE on right now because I expect to be a nice bit smaller before the wedding - and what may look good on me now, my not look good on me then, and vice versa. Besides - I don't want to deal with bridal shops AT all. Everytime I walk into one I hear this huge sucking sound. And I might be a WEE bit oversensetive - but I swear the level of customer service has been down right nasty in every bridal shop I have entered. I've gone to about 4 now (2 David's *shudder* and 2 little boutiqey ones) and neither of them gave me a warm and fuzzy - oh I want to give this business 400.00 for one dress for one day kind of feeling. And I don't have the smallest engagement ring - so any observant clerk would have guessed that I was REALLY there shopping. Maybe it's because I either came alone or with Corey - they figured that unless I had an older woman or two or three friends in tow I wasn't serious.
Eh.
I was flipping through Harper's Bazaar a few nights ago - and realized that I really dug some of the gowns they had in there. While the magazine itself is irratating as all get out (who ARE all those people - and are they the dirty rich that aren't famous? Maybe I don't like it cuz it makes me jealous. I wanna be RICH!!! and what's up with the sexy starvation look??) I for some possesed reason used my soon to expire airmiles on a free subscription. At this point, I'm starting to appreciate more though because it is giving me more ideas as to what I could wear. If a style/color is good enough for the Oscars - I'm thinking it will be fancy enough for a wedding, eh?

I bet they only need one or two fittings too.

jasmyn.

Liars!

ARgh. So, I was right the FIRST time - you can't book the Hideaway until the Monday AFTER Labor Day. *sigh* *pout* Anyhow - I wouldn't have wanted to book it now anyhow, as you have to put down half the deposit within ten days, and I don't think the wedding fund (or either of our pockets) is quite ready for that. *Pouts* I want to schedule another time to go out there so that I can take some pictures and get a general idea of how to decorate the place.

The centerpieces have been bugging me. It's not really a 'fall' wedding - and the theme is not really one that lends itself to a centerpiece, and since the wedding is in the afternoon and the rooms that will have the tables set up in have either one or two walls of NOTHING but windows I think candles would look kinda silly. So - being the crafty little bugger that I am (and doing a little more unpacking) I came across my container of glass etcher and had the BRIGHTEST idea. I would get a bunch of the old school glass pitchers from thrift stores, etch them with the symbol (randomly three or four times), color the etched bit with either burgandy or gold glass paint, and then fill them with sangria or apple cider (the apple cider would go in the burgandy etched pitchers and the sangria in the gold etched ones)and put one of each on a table. Then - we could give them away to anyone who wanted one, or keep them. Thus - something colorful, something useful, something kinda cheap, and something that we can re-use afterwards.

What else going on wedding related? Ah! I went to David's Bridal this weekend (just to wander through) and I repeat - YEECCCHHH!! This time, it wasn't even the style of dress that bugged the be-jesus out of me, it was the fabric! The fabric feels like the absolute CHEAPEST polyester that they could find - with the crunciest chiffon. *gag* So - I see that I shall NOT be getting my dress from there. I came home and rummaged through my closet for the prom dress that my mother made me - and oh mercy! THe fabric is PERFECT. It's rich and soft and dense and just lovely. And I know that the dress cost no more than 80 bucks to make - and we used some expensive fabric. I really night have to twist her arm and get her to make me my dress. :) That can be her gift and her oly contribution (money or time wise) to the wedding.

jasmyn

Calming Thoughts.

 Buckethead's note on my last entry really helped me center myself. For a second there I was getting sucked into the madness - the search and total obsession with perfection.

What I will remember - what I will MAKE myself remember - no matter what kind of obstacles, stupid mistakes, money problems, bratty families, or dilly vendors I run into - what I will ALWAYS remember is - no matter what happens (unless the officiant keels over 5 minutes before the ceremony) is that - when Sept. 1, 2003 is all over, said and done - I will be married. I will have joined into an amazing covenent with the man I love and who is my heart. No matter if I spill a pitcher of sangria down the front of my dress or if all the tuxes are a size too small - we will be married. Even if hal the food gets burnt - and the cake is nasty - we will be married. Even if the photgrapher shows up drunk, and the CD's are all scratched - we WILL be married.

And when it really comes down to it - that's all that matters.

Jasmyn

Curiouser and Curiouser

I know I'm odd - I know my wedding is going to be odd. So why do I get so exasperated when I ask questions and get back cookie cutter replies? *deep breath*

So far - there looks like I have about three choices for a photgrapher.
1) Hire a Fine Arts Student (one of my coworkers at LB is actually a photog major - she may know someone)
2) Hire someone from a newpaper to do it (that way I will get more photojoural look and less mushy frou-frou)
3) Beg my Man of Honor to do it (really don't want to do that - I want him to relax)

I figure it's bad enough we most likely won't have many pictures of the reception - though I'm bringing my camera and I plan on taking plenty of pictures - but we reallllly want to take nice pictures of the ceremony. I need to make a list of what pictures we really want.

Addendum:

Okay - I just saw a website that has the EXACT style of photography I'm looking for - and I'm just mad at this point because I knoooowwww it's expensive. Those pictures are just GORGEOUS - and so my style. Most of the photos that I take are in that - catching little moments and tiny details and still managing to give a nod to the big picture kind of style. In a perfect world - I would clone myself and take my own bloody pictures. Gr. So now (as I'm guessing he is in Aspen) I'm looking for a photographer here that might do something similar. *LOL* Oh mercy!! I'm going to have a photographer like ole girl from Diary of a Mad Bride - bouncing around like he is doging bullets. *LOL*


bllleeghhhhhhhhhh.....

jasmyn

Excuse the Dust

*brushes off the last bits*

Well - thus completes the total revamping of my diary - from "My wonderful Life" to "Our Wonderful Wedding".

:)

All else I want to do is find a good, free countdown clock to count down the days to the wedding.

jasmyn

Oh!

It's so PRETTY!! - the paper that is - I've decided which ones I'm goig to use - originally I was going to go with one color for the mailer for the Save the Date, and another color for everything else....but in the paper I chose, I only LIKE one color. So... now I have to figure out how to do this blasted mailer. Hmm... maybe I can use the heavyweight vellum for the mailer - that would be nice, something a little sheer. Yeah - I should be able to find that at a paper store around here....esp. considering as of right now I ONLY need 12 sheets.

*grins* and the envelopes are gonna be soooo pretty too. I'm using this really rich copper color with black writing on it...*wiggles* I'm soooo excited.

Also - reading The Knot and the like - I realized that I had seriously over-estimated how much the flatware and plates and stuff would cost - so that makes me feel a little better. Not a lot - just a little. :)

*wiggles* I do realize that by the time I'm done collecting stuff a little it at a time, it's not going to cost NEARLY as much as I expect it will. Like I plan on buying most of the paper next month. Also, I'll be collecting the paperware, and the centerpieces right after the fall stuff goes on sale and.... well - it's nice to have a year to gather stuff AND save money. :)

We gonna have a NICE honeymoon - yes sir we are.

jasmyn

WHA, Wha, whhhhaaaaaaaaaa???

Okay - I'm addig up stuff and I SWEAR I'm being as penny pinching as I can be - without food we're already up to 2650.00. HUH?? How the hell did THAT happen??? Though I have to admit - our site plus all the doodads (extra chairs, tablecloths, the help, eating stuff (which I guessed the price at so I might be over compensating) and decorations) is about half of that. The stationary, flowers and other random crap takes up the rest. *sigh* And no, no photography has been included yet. Or my dress. Or the suit/tux. or...well you get the idea.

I got my paper samples yesterday (okay, actually I got the little notice saying they are waiting for me in the apt. office)- so I'm going to check those out, then bring one or two in to work tommorow and see if I can print these bloody things myself. That will most likely save about 200.00. *weep* The flowers we're doing (calla lillies for the bouquets and orchids for the corsages/boutonnaires) - the centerpieces I haven't decided on - I can't think of anywhere else to trim cuz I AM KEEPING MY SITE DAMMIT. *blinks* That felt nice.

Oh course - if I wasn't fighting with all my might to INSURE that me and the Boy go on a 7 day honeymoon this would be a lot easier. :) Heh. But dammit - I am. Okay. and of course - I'm hoping and praying there will be a nice fat lil sale going on like the one they have now when it's time for us to go. I figure we will book the honeymoon in May - so we shall see.

I read "Diary of a Mad Bride" last night - such a funny book. I had many sighs over the fact that she HAD an office of her own where she could get away with making wedding related calls at work. I swear - if it wasn't for the internet I would be SCREWED as far as planning this thing goes.
And naturally, I have utterly no intention of having my mother or his grandmother (heaven protect us!) helping us at all. Esp. with money from his grandmother. There would be waaaayyyy too many strings attatched to THAT little package. *grins* In fact - no one has any clue that we are THIS far along in the planning...and I plan on keeping it that way until at least late January - then I can spring it on them all suprising like. I think I'll start looking for a dress then too. I should have lost a good bit of weight by then.


MWA-AH-AH-AH-Ahhhhhh............