tipsietoes

*tink*
*tink*
*tink*
*tippietippietippie*

shhhhh.... I'm sneaking home now. 4:15, and I haven't done anything worthwhile for the last 3 hours.

shhh.............

bbboooorrreeedddddd.........

So - I got here at 9am, stayed till 10:30am, ran out - took the drug test, expressed mailed the paperwork back to IP, got back at 12:30, worked for about an hour, scarfed down lunch, made another lunch date, and now it's 2.
It's snowing like HELL (hell is cold - you are aware of that, right?) and I'm bored stupid. I decided to sit on my hands (literally if need be) to NOT turn in my letter of resignation until AFTER I get the signed paperwork back. I hate drug tests - have I ever mentioned that? I just don't TRUST them - which is funny, since the reason they make me take them is cuz they don't trust me. Ah well - the chickie at the lab said it should be about a day or two (tuesday & wednesday) so hopefully I'll hear something from them on Friday. Which would mean that my last day here would HAVE to be the 18th, which would then only give me a WEEKEND to get my ass to Memphis to be able to be there on the 21st. Of course, itf they set the date at the 28th, that would be swwweeeett - butI doubt it.

Gah - I need to get shtanking drunk so I can forget, just for a little while. I whipped through like 6 books this weekend since when I'm in their world I'm not in fine, which is really all good - but - GAH! I reaaalllly hate waiting.

Got a doctors appt tommorow - hopefully it won't take TOO long - though of course, it's not as if I care anyhow. Gah. My brain/heart is soooo not here anymore. and I'm not busy enough to keep my focus. I suppose I could run a test, butI really don't bloody feel like it.

taptaptap.

*sigh*

calm....

Well- let's see.
I've gotten the paperwork, and I've filled out most of it. I'm going to take the drug test tomorrow, send the rest of the paperwork back, and I figure (hopefully) that I should hear back from them by Tuesday, say?
I've got my letter of resignation on my desk, waiting for my boss to finally come back to work. I'm still debating whether I should wait to get the final approval back from IP before I give them the letter - and I think that I will. *sigh* Dangit! That means that I'm going to have to push it back to the 15th, which really ain't that bad, as it means I'll definitely get that last paycheck - it's just a matter of how many days I'll have for breathing room.
For the same reason, I haven't given my lease termination notice yet - I want to be sure that one bridge is built before I even pull the match out of the pack.
Though - enough people know at work that if something does happen, it's going to be rather - interesting scrambling for something else. Tsk. Shoulda kept my mouth shut.

Bleh. trying to waste time till I can go home. Wanna go home NOW. Gotta run errands & stuff.  *sigh*

it just struck me....

Oh. my. god. I'm getting the HELL out of  INDIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (see previous entry) (as I'm too stupidgiddy to even be coherent)

*grin* *grin* *grin*

Okay. 

Really - we clicked. The company is cool. Their schedule is CRAZY. The city is warm. I'm as positive as I can be without actually SEEING the offer that they are going to MAKE an offer. Now - the only debate is money. Well- not a debate with them, but...well - not really a debate. I'm wondering how much they are going to offer. They definitely need me DESPARATELY *hheheheheh* and soon. Everyone I interviewed with was VERY positive about me - they tried their best to scare me with the details of what they do - but I took it all as 'CHALLLLLANGE!!!!'.

Memphis itself was lovely! Soooo warm - flowers and trees blooming - just all the signs of a true southern spring!

I'm - babbling......it's just  a waiting game now - waiting to see how much money they offer.

The sucky part? C thinks that he may have found a REALLY good job here! Eeek! I KNOW that if they offer me anything that starts with a 7, I'm snatching it up - and I'll be moving in a MONTH (or less) but - he might really want to stay here. Ugh! He's still thinking about it though -and I'm trying my DAMNEDST to just keep my mouth shut and let him make his choice. Though of COURSE - I want him to come WITH me dammit. Dammit. And as they are willing to help pay to break the lease (though I never did double check our lease to see the restrictions) it'll most likely be

*bounces*
*taps foot impatiently*
*bounces somemore*

Update 9:52am - Talked to the recruiter. He said their excited, and he's glad to hear that I'm excited.  Told him that I refuse to go a dime below 70K.  The usual upcharge for switching positions is 15%, and I told him that I make 62K now (actually 58K - but once the bonus is factored in, it's 62K). That, plus 15%, is 71K. - yes, I'm a tricksy girl. He said he's going to try for 75K, and if they balk, he'll go to 72K plus a signing bonus. *twitch* I might have to wait a day or two, huh? Shite.

Update 10:21am -Talked to the recruiter. 72.5K!!! plus a 2.5K signing bonus!!! I accepted!!! I'VE GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  *giddy* *hot* *grinnin*

*giggles*

I gotta go call C.

Week Two

Well - one good thing about Atkins - it provides results quickly. I'm down ten whole pounds (whooohooo!) and feel like I have a bit of a handle on things.

I've been documenting everything on my Calorie King (finally got the damn reg.code for it) and I LOVE it. Not only does it have damn near EVERYTHING in it (I mean, seriously) it's also sovery conveinent - and it lets me keep track of the calories and the carbs and in case I want to give myself some wiggle room - the fiber too.

What else? I haven't started exercising yet (bad girl) cuz I'm so bloody stressed and tired - but I'm going to give myself a month then start. So yeah - like March 15th. I haven't really figured out what I'm going to do - I'm thinking about the extreme weights class again  - that really rocked. But at the same time, I'm so into myself that I hate exercising with other people - I'm too damn judgemental.

Hmm....maybe - if I get this job - I'll hire a personal trainer (see J, this is how you manage to make more money and still spend it all). That would workfor me I think - having someone who ISN'T related to me all up in my ass on a regular basis, and who actually knows what the hell s/he is talking about. Hm. And I don't want none of that girly shit either - all cardio. I hate cardio for one thing, and for another weights work you both ways - so screw that. I Luurrrvvveee lifting weights.

Okay - I keep going off on one tangent or another. I just need to sit back, relax and BREATHE until tommorow.

heh.

http://www.fitforlifememphis.com/
http://www.energymemphis.com/

 

Whhoooosssssshhh

Okay. Going to Memphis tomorrow (I wonder what the weathers going to be like?) have to pick out an outfit (black slacks, blackjacket & hot pink shirt, I'm thinking - if everything fits right) buy a little portfolio thingy to hold all of my extracopies of my resume and a notebook and all the other random stuff I need  - need to wash my hair and tighten the hairline up - can't forget to take out my tongue ring and put the placeholder in - it would be nice if I had a chance to buy some new earrings.....

I feel like I'm flying - just the rate of speed that everything is going at. If everything goes well, I might be out of here by the 28th - maybe the 21st. I'd like to be here for our Aniversary though - if I get hired, how are we going to split the furniture? I won't need much  - C is going to stay here until the lease is out unless we can get them to pay it off (need to read copy of lease and see what the early exit penalties are) but I'dlike for them to pay to move the heavy stuff down - maybe I'll go light (stuff in the car only) and when he comes we'll bring all the heavy stuff?

I'm sooo excited - almost over the whole guilty feet thing - *grin* I'm doing this for me! for us!

Though I was crying last night, trying to figure out how we can start a family without stability - how I'll ever be able to be a mom & go back to school - I've got a well woman exam Thursday to check the IUD, I'm almost positive I had a miscarriage over Christmas because the next cycle I could feel it damn near hanging out - I should feel sad if it was, but I'm relived, I figure the little one knew it wasn't time yet - though I had a dream last night of a positive pregnancy test (not yet goddess, not yet)

I said that my minimum would be 75K - maybe Ishould shoot for more? What if they don't even give me an offer? I can't imagine any way that I could screw this up at this point....I saw at least one of my references, and fuck, I'd hire me in a heartbeat, so I hope they feel the same way...I need to check and see if the other references were contacted.

I'm tired, so very very tired - had to spend ALLLLL day saturday with C's damn family - giggled a little and didn't get too upset (though I hit a horrid low blood sugar patch that nearly had me in tears) because if all goes well, it will have to be really big events that will bring us back there.

Played with a lovely little 5 month old half of the night - I'm so sick of them telling me I need pratice - I damn near RAISED 4 kids before I was 14, trust me, I don't need any bloody pratice in loving a baby - played with the older kids too - have I mentioned how much I hate how they interact with the kids in that house? It's bloody depressing.

I can't wait to shock the shit out of them by whipping out the boob. Hah.

Played YuGiOh on Saturday - so hooked on that damn game it's sad, sad, sad.  Played for like 6 hours while I washedclothes.

Ah yes - must put clothes away tonight - maybe I'll do my hair on the way there - I want to go through my books and figure out which ones I can sell to HalfPrice Books and clean up my shelves just a little bit - the room is overtaken by books.

---------------------------------------------- ah work interupptions - now I've lost my flow. my steelo - and it's only 2pm.

Almost 4pm now, I'm about to leave.. I took tomorrow off for 'personal business' and hopefully, I'll have enough time to do my running around. I think I'll go to Tarjay - they should have everything I need. Then go home, wash hair, try on clothes, breathe. :)

eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

guilty of being excited

Yes, yes I know - all I can talk about is the potential for a new job. I don't really expect it to be much different - but the simple fact that it IS different will make it better - at least for long enough for me to roll over into doing what I really want to do.
But - I feel soooo guilty. Maybe it's because I'm keeping a secret from most people at work, and while I merrily do things and work my ass off (in general) - I'm rushing back to my PC to check my external mail to see if I have another 'iron in the fire'. I talk with my boss about things that are going to be happening in May, and I know damn well that I have utterly NO intentions on still being here then. I feel like I'm treating him unfairly - like I'm treating my team unfairly - not by leaving, as they can kiss my entire sunshiny ass - but leaving when I'm the only one who can do some of the things that I do.

I just got a raise too - 5% - which ain't nothing to sneeze at - but *sigh* I might be able to get a 35% raise by leaving.  I'm going to be working on the Australia release, but I'm still going to be LIVING in Indiana. I'm finally getting a promotion to the next level, but I can jump over that level entirely by leaving.  I'm not trying to make a career here, or there, for that matter. I'm just working to pay the bills and save a little and have a little fun - and dammit, I'd rather move at  85 miles an hour than at 58 miles and hour, ya know? *snort* I just have to keep chanting to myself 'What would they do if I was hit by a bus??' (not that in any way shape or form am I saying that I'd rather get taken out than walk out) but...... *sigh* I'm nice, dammit. And even when I'm fed up, I still want to be nice. And even when I know that I'm not going to get what I want out of the relationship, I still have a hard time breaking up.

But at least I know that this time, I'm not going to be the one crying.

Mwauahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......................

Second Interview.....edited!

Hmm... I'm not sure, honestly. I think that I might not be as technically strong as what they are looking for, and I have a slightly broader functional base than what they need. However,  I definitely like what they are doing, what my position would be, and they sound like friendly enough people.  The hiring/team lead is supposed to get back with me, so I suppose that how long it takes her to get in touch with me (or with the recruiter, really) and see what they/she says.
Nervous, nervous am I. But - hell, if it doesn't work this time around, it'll work next time.

edited: They LIKED me!!! Talking about setting up a face to face soon! How exciting! Memphis! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

 

Seriously sista.....

Whhoooaa boy. Stepped on the scale yesterday (in preparation for getting BACK on Atkins today!) And glory got DAMN! *sigh* Rolling down that hill again I am. So - seriously - I'm starting today.
I have this book called the miracle of mindfulness - I'm going to read that one tonight, after we get home from grocery shopping. I figure that is a large part of my issue with a lot of things - I tend to start running on automatic instead of living in the moment and really THINING about what I'm doing/eating/breathing/saying. So - that's really lazy - or maybe easy is a better word - the path of least resistance - and I'm going to stop that.

That's my weekly goal this week and next - be aware. Stop dulling my mind with multitasking. If I'm reading - read. Don't read and watch TV. If I'm eating - eat. Dont' eat and read (HARD ONE). If I'm talking to C - talk - don't chat online at the same time. Focus and enjoy and respect everything that I do at once rather than trying to slam it all together.

I did something yesterday that was stupid, and then did something smart today that made up for it. I was in another work area yesterday, and there were Girl Scout cookies out.  Now, I LOVE Samoas....so Idon't consider the eating of them the stupid thing. The stupid thing was the buying of a whole box from a coworkers who's daughter was selling, and having an entire box of my favorite cookies sitting on my desk this morning - the morning I'm starting back on Atkins. The something smart that I did was walk around my entire team, offering cookies and chitchatting. A few people turned them down -but I had exactly enough cookies for everyone who wanted one. And I didn't eat a single one. That makes me proud of me - I can do the right thing, I just have to put my mind to it.

And this time - I'm actually setting weight goals. I usually try to flitter through it - saying that 'Oh, whatever I lose I lose' but I realize that is removing all sense of accountability from the process. I'm going to try for 1.5 pounds a week. Once I've lost ten pounds, I'm going to start exercising. I haven't decided on the reward yet.

I'm going to actually start out on rock solid induction (BLEH!) and mid-range calories. I LOVE my little Calorie King doohickey on my Palm, as I can set multiple goals - so, if I want to stay under 20 carbs, and under 1500 calories - I can do that, and then easily switch back and forth to see how much I've eaten through my daily allowance. And - it lists almost ANYTHING I could possibly consider eating and it's small and subtle enough to be whipped out at any time.

One thing I do need to do is get a big cup for my water regimen again. I think I might swing by Arby's and see if they still have their giganourmous cups - I like those, they are easy to wash, and they come in pretty colors.

But most importantly - I need to flow day by day by day. Mindfully.

Interview Redux - edited

Well - I have to say I think it went rather well for a first interview. I was still kinda nervous, but I was able to answer all of her questions - accurately. It sounds like their project is moving even faster than ours - AND it's bigger - and I could make almost 25K more. *shakes head* Blows my mind it does. And! The cost of living is LOWER there.....
But - they are going to try to set up a second interview next week - *bouncy* EEEeeee....so excited am I!

Got an second interview set-up - Tuesday at 11am - now the question is, what should I bone up on beforehand - if anything? What questions should I ask the team members?

And C has also had a couple of interviews - I'm hoping that he gets the job with the 'high-end' corporate food service place, because that way, they might be willing to transfer him someplace else once I get a job.

Most excited.

Interview!

My first interview (telephone) with a new company is in about - 5 minutes....if they call me on time. I'm nervous - cold hands and twitchy feet. I'm still at work, as we don't have a landline at home and I want to be clearly heard and be able to clearly hear -and I wish one of my big mouth coworkers would leave and go HOME already. But - I should be able to keep it quiet - at least until he leaves. *twitchtwitch* I've made notes about the company, have thought up answers to the usual hardass questions, and have prepared a list of questions for them.
The job is in Memphis - doesn't pay quite as much as I would like, and I think it might be a little more technical than I would want - but hell, have to start somewhere right? I've got another recruiter lined up for me to work in Texas....

oh! phone rang!

Movie Survey (bored am I)

Bold the movies you've seen, and if you aren't a lazy git like me, add a few more to the end.....

Donnie Brasco
Never Been Kissed
Jawbreaker
Sleepless in Seattle
Halloween
The Ring
Practical Magic
Chicago
Ghost Ship
From Hell
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (old version)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (new version)
When Harry Met Sally
Wrong Turn
EDtv
Secret Window
I Am Sam
U-Turn
Dead Man Walking
Bastard Out of Carolina
The Craft
Contact
Quills
The Yards
8MM
The Day After Tomorrow
Child's Play
Bride of Chucky
Inventing the Abbotts
21 Grams
13 Conversations About One Thing
Return to Paradise
The Weight of Water
The Virgin Suicides
Raising Helen
Thirteen Ghosts
Just Married
Gothika
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Sixteen Candles
Joy Ride
Seven
Identity
Lone Star
Cujo
A Bronx Tale
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azakaban
Signs
Freddy vs. Jason
Casino
The Hours
Goodfellas
Darkness Falls
Christine
IT
Children of the Corn
Maid in Manhattan
Frailty
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
A Time to Kill
Pretty in Pink
U-571
The Wedding Planner
Boys on the Side
Mommie Dearest
Jeepers Creepers
Jeepers Creepers 2
Catch Me If You Can
The Others
Fear Dot Com
The Wedding Singer
Dazed and Confused
The Breakfast Club
Finding Nemo
Freaky Friday
Reign of Fire
Cruel Intentions
The Hot Chick
Corky Romano
Swimfan
Miracle
Old School
American Pie
Scary Movie
Someone Like You
Where the Heart Is
Mystic River
Gladiator
Meet the Parents
Reservoir Dogs
The Shining
Thelma and Louise
Pulp Fiction
Pitch Black
The Chronicles of Riddick
Fight Club
Legends of the Fall
Meet Joe Black
American History X
The People vs. Larry Flint
ScarFace
The Cell
One Hour Photo
Friday
Next Friday
Friday After Next
Barbershop
Barbershop 2
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Blow
Edward Scissorhands
Exit Wounds
Donnie Darko
The Forgotten
Spongebob The Movie
Pink Floyd's "The Wall"
xXx
Knockaround Guys
A Man Apart
The Village
Anchorman
Van Wilder
Old School
South Park the Movie
Billy Madison
Happy Gilmore
Lil Nicky
Big Daddy
50 First Dates
Mr. Deeds
Punch Drunk Love
The Waterboy
Bulletproof
Duece Bigalow Male Gigalo
Saving Private Ryan
Pearl Harbor
Rose Red
Ocean's 11
Ocean's 12
The Mexican
Spygame
The Devils Own
7 Years in Tibet
Sleepers
12 Monkeys
Interview with the Vampire
A river Runs Through It
Too Young To Die
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
Being John Malkovich
The Devils Advocate
The Matrix
The Matrix Reloaded
The Matrix Revolutions
Somethings gotta give
Sweet November
Much Ado About Nothing
The Fast and the Furious
2 Fast 2 Furious
How High
Blade Trinity
Rounders
Scream
Scream2
The Wizard of Oz
Clerks
Big Daddy
A Bugs Life
Aladdin
Beauty & the Beast
The lion king
the lion king 2
the lion king 1/2
Seed of chucky
Pirates of the Caribean
Okay I lied - this list is *gah* so I'm going to add some movies to it - I'm not claiming all of these were GOOD movies either.
Dogma
Kill Bill v1
Kill Bill v2
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (was that the name of that movie?)
From Russia with Love
Malcolm X
Fifth Element
Dangerous Beauty
Chasing Amy
Mulan
lovejones
Romeo Must Die
The Abyss
Underworld
Lethal Weapon (any of em)
Die Hard (any of em)
BadBoys
Dr. No
The League of Extrordinary Gentleman
Misissippi Masala
Mortal Kombat

 

Income tax'd with a bonus!

Spendings (over next month)

1. Register Car (IT) - 200.00


2. Pay off Nordies Card (IT) - 200.00


3. Pay off corp. card - 200.00 (IT)


4. Pay off EZ Loan - 2000.00 (B(1600)+IT(400))


5. Pay off 401(k) loan - 1032.00 (B)


6. Fix brakes - 200.00 (B)
   Total Spendings: 3832.00 (with 100.00 just for me!)  

 

---

 

 

 

 

Savings (per month)

 

 

1. N/A 


2. 25.00


3. N/A


4. 60.00


5. 40.00


6. N/A
   Total Savings: 125.00

 

---

 

Added to??

SIG Loan: 10.25%
Current Payment: 9 months @ 461.00
Added Payments: 7 months @ 561.00

Car Loan: 4.45%Current Payment: 32 months @ 302.00
Added Payments: 24 months @ 402.00

 

---

 

So - it seems to make the most sense to add that extra hunnerd to the SIG loan - that way, by August (if I'm even still here) I'll have almost an extra 500 bucks a month to work with - and that will trim the car payment down to nearly zip. That SIG loan is the last of what's left from my college/post college credit card madness - finally, only 5 years later, I'm going to have them ALL paid off. And despite how tempting it is on a REGULAR basis, I refuse, refuse, to ever get a credit card again. I hate those little deceptive bastards. The amount of money that I have paid on those credit cards at this point have turned that 40.00 dinner at Ruby Tuesday's sophmore year into a 300.00 luxury three course meal. Bastards. 
 I'm more or less ignoring the student loans - those are the lowest rates and have the longest payback period - and you can get those deferred for hardship if need be.
I could ignore the 401(k) loan (how sad is it - and how bad a sign of my money management - that I can't even remember what I pulled the money out for in the first place? - I think it might have been for oneof the overseas trips) but - if I leave the company, they want that paid back within 60 days, otherwise it goes into foreclosure, and really, I'm trying to cross that bridge when I know that I'll have the money to cover it. That damn EZLoan has been a blessing, and a bane - it's basically an overdraft account with a 2K limit that I can withdraw from - that account more or less paid for the wedding - so finally (and before our anniversary if I remember the bonus date right) I'll have paid that off, finally.

Looking at these bills is actually kinda odd, since they are through the Company, so the money to pay them get's pulled out of my paycheck before I even get it - and I'm puzzled why according the the IRS I'm making so much - yet when I break down my paycheck to cover my life it seems like so little. DEBT! It's a curse I tell you. But - as I get out of debt, I start to make more money - at least more money to take home anyhow.

 

---

 

Read a throughly depressing book a few days ago - Wednesday, maybe? - called 'The Two Income Trap' or something like that which talked about how dual-income households with children were claiming bankruptcy left and right because they felt the 'need' to become house-poor in order to give their kids access to the best school systems. *sigh* It was quite depressing actually, and made me seriously consider if I EVER want to buy a house.  Cheap house+ expensive private school might as well be the same as expensive house + free public school. Ohhh look - yet another reason to homeschool - cuz cheap house + cheap excellent school sounds like a heavenly match in a one income household.
One thing that I read puzzled me though - the pressure to put kids in preschool. Now - if both parents are working - I understand - it's just a new level of daycare - but if one parent is at home - why wouldn't you teach your child yourself?
Speaking ofwhich - a brief *pHHHHHHHHHHFBBBBBTtttttttttttttttttttt* to the makers of those horrid LeapFrog things. Reading should be a communal business, dammit. Some of my best young young memories are of learning how to read WITH my mom, and then reading to her or having her read to me. I don't understand how a electronic buzzing gizmo can possibly beat that kind of connection. But then, I don't understand why most people still seem to believe that formula is a worthy breastmilk substitute, so.......
Back to my topic at hand - homeschooling seems to make perfect sense to me as a way (IF there is a SAHP) to prepare your child for school. Not only are they learning, they are learning how to learn - unfettered by a rigid curiculum that is a good fit for only 3 kids out of a class of 12. I mean -when you homeschool - it's all about customization - it's not about being easier, or being simpler (cuz heaven knows it ain't) it's about making sure that the little tyke gets precisely the attention s'he needs, in precisely the right manner, at just the right speed.

Boy - from taxes to debt to education - this would be a point at which a logical seque would be to the lovely new Presidential budget plan - but, nahhh - I'm not even going to GO there.

 

Swelling, Stuffing, and Shrinkage

Swelling: my waistline because I'm: Stuffing my face and not focusing on the potential: Shrinkage of my ass.

So - the last trip to Geneva? Not so good - surely due to my consuming of consumables and the distinct lack of physical activity (it was too fucking cold to be wandering the damn lake - sheesh) I gained 8 pounds. EIGHT. Well - maybe 5, cuz I know I didn't lose 3 pounds in three days so maybe I had a little extra water or solids floating (so to speak) around in me.

Speaking of other shrinkage (but really more swellage) my clothes are starting to not fit again. Eeeeeeeeeee! One thing that sucks about Atkins is it ain't an easy diet to be on when one is brrrriiiizzzzoke (or is that another of my 'must be fully prepared before embarking and as it's almost impossible to be fully prepared I will never actually embark excuses?) but - I'm making a try.

Lunch today is a peanut butter & jelly sammich, with some string cheese and two boiled eggs. Of course, the muffin I had for breakfast this morning (it was free!) defeats the entire bloody purpose, but - *sigh* no - no but's. I screwed up. I shouldn't have eaten it, and I know that I shouldn't have eaten it, and as I was eating it I knew that I shouldn't be eating it, so there are no buts besides my own slowly enlarging one.

*sigh* I really don't know what the hell is going on in my brain sometimes. I mean - I do things that I KNOW are bad for me, and it's like I'm too damn lazy to stop - I just don't want to expend the effort - despite how much I tell myself that I want whatever it is. It's the same way for writing, for dieting, for exercising, for stopping smoking, for pouncing C - all of it - it's just like UGH. I want it, but I want it the lazy way - just give it to me on a platter - preferably one that I don't have to reach for. I'm spoiled, and I procrastinate, and I can talk myself into (or out of) most anything and I'm fully AWARE of those issues, and I'm still too damn lazy to actually raise up and DO something about them. It's rather like downhill inertia - I can get started doing something unhealthy (or continue) quite easily - but stopping is like pushing that same rock UP the hill....and once again - I'm too damn lazy to do that.

I talk about other people lying to themselves - and I know that I lie to myself too, and telling myself that at least I KNOW when I'm lying to myself doesn't help much. So why do I do it? *snort* I'm a wonderful living, breathing example of self sabotage - but WHY? What twisted anger/bitterness lies inside me towards myself that allows - encourages - me to do everything BUT treat myself right? And it's not a fear of change -I enjoy change - maybe more than anything it's a fear of being wrong.  But - *rolls eyes* really - what could possibly be wrong about losing weight?

I brushed on one - issue - already - but I want to explore it a little more here.

I'm - odd. I'm - a distinct controlfreak - I like having things in their proper places, at their proper times, and I don't much like having other people enforce their idea of what's the 'right' time onto me. So - with all that said - I'm an exhibitionist - I like to be watched - however, I must control who is watching me, and what kind of access they have to me. I'm not a snob - but I truly don't like being leered at by just everyone. I don't like being approached by just everyone (phat rock on the left hand seems to make no damn difference). I don't really like being SEEN unless I choose to be - and being fat gives me the true option of deciding when and where I will be seen. I can blend and fade away, or I can place myself in the forefront - and this works EVERYWHERE in my life. *shrugs* It's a side affect of America - the bigger you are the harder you are to see. And - it's been a place of safety, and a place of frustration for the times in which I want to be seen, and ain't nobody looking. Anyhow -  I know that the smaller I get, the more visible I become - and I'm not an ugly girl now - I think I'm actually quite afraid of my own physical potential. And good heavens, that sounded conceited as hell, but - it's not. It's more based on what other people tell me that they see in the very imperfect, very overweight me now, and I literally shudder (sometimes) to think of what they would see in me if  I wasn't overweight.  And I'm not sure if I'm ready just yet to be thrust on the stage of 'beauty' as it's interpeted by 70% of the population when I can barely handle the beauty that people see in me now.
And - good lord - what am I whinging about - but - it's not - it's not that I'm complaining. I'm exploring more than anything else - peeking my head into the nooks and crannies that make me so damn illogical that even my throughly logical mind just tosses it's hands in the air and gives up on me sometimes.
I sabatoge myself like a fat husband whose afraid that if he wife loses too much weight she might leave him - or be taken from him. I sabatoge myself like I like being fat - like it's an innate part of who I am - and I'm afraid of who I might be slim. I sabatoge myself and lie to myself about it - trying to cover up some big gaping sore in my innards that has me so scared I can't even look at it straight. And really, I have a hard time getting frustrated with and cussing myself out and scaring me straight. I'ms so good at giving people the benefit of the doubt - maybe because I always let myself slide. I know how to crack down on me - but I don't do it. It's like while I'm thinking about it - I'm all hardcore and I'm gonna to this and I'm gonna do that - but the instant that it really comes down to making the CHOICE of what to do - I slide right back into what I'm trying to not do, and don't even realize it until it's too damn late to redo the choice.

I'm not mindfull enough. I let my own internal autopilot take over for me far too often, despite the fact that I KNOW that bitch has it in for me. I've removed some sort of internal awareness from myself (the supposedly introverted one) and can only really grasp it when there is nothing else to focus on but me. And those instants tend to come only when I'm doing nothing - while I need my awareness to be most active while I'm doing something.

Talk talk talk - I break promises to myself far too easy - promises that if made to someone else I would hold onto, and promises that if made to me by someone else I would be furious if they broke. Do I think that I've above my own law? Or do I just not care enough to judge myself? Or have I reached a point of such stupid self-love that everything I do is okay because I'm the one doing it, even if someone else was doing the same thing I'd be all 'naughty-naughty'?

 

Long term thoughts (or worrywarts)

Ohbloodyhell. Nothing can truly be planned, it can merely be sketched out. So - this is my 'plan'.

I get a new job paying more, work, pay off bills, save, then quit/go back to school/have a kid. Not definitely in that order.

*sigh*

I really need to talk to C. But - I have to figure out a way to talk to him that - that isn't as blunt as what I'm really thinking. *sigh* It's not that I expect to be able to live in the lap of luxury without lifting a finger to help.  It's not that I feel like I should  be supported. It's more that I don't feel like - like he will ever be stable enough for me to be able to rely on him FOR support. And *sigh* yes, yes I know - we're still both - relatively - young. And yes, I know that culinary is a - rocky field to look for stability in. But - dammit - I don't LIKE knowing that I'm carrying 90% of the load. And I don't like feeling like it's all on me to look into the future realistically and determine how I'm going to be sure that we have enough to live on - esp. considering that my career goals aren't ones that will bring in shiteloads of cash. It's not a proper partnership - and it's not that I don't appreciate his help - when he can - but *sigh* it's the long-term implications that worry me.

And I do know it's just a matter of time - patience so to speak. But - in the four years that we've been together, he's had....9 different jobs. None have lasted for more than a year - and he's been fired from all of them. And yes, there always seems to be some sort of  conflict between him & his supervisors that seems unfair - but I'm of course, only getting one side of the story. And listening to how he tells others of his experiences - and how - subtly twisted they are from what he's telling me - I wonder how much he's twisted the original circumstances to tell me the tale of what happened. And yes, I know that we all tend to view stuff in ways that aren't totally accurate....but if he isn't telling me the whole truth, is he telling himself the whole truth? And if he isn't telling himself the whole truth - how can he  possibly change his actions to get better results? *sigh* And he's only gotten UE for two of those.....
And - maybe it's just that....I'm judging him by my standards....and no - I don't know what's going on - and yes, I do understand his drive to make himself a success, and yes, I know that's going to require some rockiness and instabilty, but *sigh* I don't - I don't understand how what he's doing/done - helps him in the long term. *sigh*
Basically, I don't like it. I use the past as a predictor of the future, and - based on the past, the future is on me.

What would it take for me to feel comfortable? *sigh* Have him keep a job for more than 18 months. A good job - ie. not paying minimum wage. And even then - *sigh* how can I possibly make plans to release our real only steady source of income in order to do what makes me happy - when I know that at any point he can be out of a job? But hell - in this economy - does it really matter WHAT field he is in - or even me - as far as job stability goes?

Money. Gah!

Well - what really needs to happen? Once I'm out of debt - car, credit cards, student loans, sundry loans - then - at least all we'll have to worry about is the day to day expenses - and heaven knows, I know how to make those as minimal as possible. And it's always the point after that that tweaks my innards. Let's say that I pay off all of my debt - and C. pays off all of his. Then we have a kid. And I stop working. The only source of cash would be him - even to pay our day to day expenses. And - a house? school for me? school for the kids? *sigh* I don't WANT to have to calculate every penny of everything even when he IS working because we never know when he might be out of work.

And he knows - yes - he knows what I want to do long-term. And yes, we've always discussed that once we start having kids, I'm going to stop working. And yes, he knows that I want to go to back to school. I guess, what he doesn't knowis my fear that I can't depend on him to help me make all of that happen. Or maybe he's just so damn - laidback that he hasn't really thought of the economic impact of all of his - and that's all I can seem to think about somedays.

Gah. I think I worry to damn much. I'm going to make a sandwich.

so much, yet so little

So....I'm not sure what made me do it - maybe the fact that I've had some story ideas pop into my head, but I went through and gathered all of my ideas into one document.
I've got 19 different story ideas floating around - some of them are halfway done - and some others are just very rough plot concepts. I'm not sure how to start -  but I am seriously considering trying to write them out in long hand. I've always said that writing in longhand was too muchwork - esp. since I'd have to retype them -but at least then I'll always be able to carry a story along - all I'd need is a pen.

*sigh* I'm so fearful of my own greatness it's aggravating. I mean - okay - not that all of what I've written is good - but some of it is quite good, and I just - back away from finishing it.

I'm a woman of plans, and I've learned that I tend to use my plans to give myself permission to procrastinate. But - how can I just - leap?

*sigh*

scaredycat,scaredycat.

Well. (edited)

Talked to my boss yesterday - didn't mention the fact that I'm looking for another job, even after he told me (in so many many words) that my chances of getting an OUS position has dropped into the negative percentage - not because of ME (as everyone seems to agree that I should go) but because the project didn't allocate any OUS positions to our team. *sigh* Stupid, utterly un-understandable, but hey - that's how things are going.

So -any even VAGUE hint of guilt has gone *poof!* and I'm on the job hunt trail.

 

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In other news.  ummm..... yes, I live a dull dull life. I need to get my car fixed, but don't want to because it's going to be expensive and I really can't afford it (depressing, yes.)

 

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Edit: I've got horrid coworkers - when I told one about my car, he says 'Hope it's not the flywheel - same symptoms as a starter, but costs in the thousands'. THOUSANDS? Holy shite. But, I broke down and called the tow truck. Shit. I can just see it now - having to dump all of my tax refund (thank you hubby, for making so much less than me and thereby insuring a semi decent refund) into this car. *le sigh*  If I do, I might as well just break down and put my bonus on brakes.

I wonder what the powerball looks like this week?

 

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Okay. nothing more to say. Back to work I go. I need to follow up with some -stuff.

 

Nerves

Okay....so - I've been doing some reading, and a lil bit of research and I feel a hell of a lot less - traitorous - now. Also, from the response that I've gotten to my resume, it seems like someone with my knowledge is well - a valuable commodity. And I 'knew' this because my company is a using a cutting edge software - but still, it's very cool to be validated. Anyhow......it's 7am, I've been up for 4 hours, and I want to make note of this so  that if I get all squicky again later, I can remind me exactly WHY I'm doing this.

Reason #1:
Changing jobs gives you a broader base of experience: After about three years, you’ve learned most of what you’re going to know about how to do your job. Therefore, over a ten year period, you gain more experience from “three times 90 percent” than “one times 100 percent.”
I've been at my current job for almost five years (if I wait til August, I'll be vested....hmmm) and really, there IS more than I can learn - but not about the job that I'm doing now. And the likelihood of me switching to another job - and be trained on that job is.....slim.

Reason #2:
A more varied background creates a greater demand for your skills: Depth of experience means you’re more valuable to a larger number of employers. You’re not only familiar with your current company’s product, service, procedures, quality programs, inventory system, and so forth; you bring with you the expertise you’ve gained from your prior employment with other companies.
As this is my FIRST job - I don't have any of that variety - but hey - this is an EXCELLENT reason to look into moving.

Reason #3:
A job change results in an accelerated promotion cycle: Each time you make a change, you bump up a notch on the promotion ladder. You jump, for example, from project engineer to senior project engineer; or national sales manager to vice president of sales and marketing.
Definitely one of the main reasons - esp. since I was told that one of the reasons that I wasn't given the posting that I wanted last year is because I wasn't at that 'level' - even though I've been WORKING at that level for the last year. *snort*

Reason #4:
More responsibility leads to greater earning power: A promotion is usually accompanied by a salary increase. And since you’re being promoted faster, your salary grows at a quicker pace, sort of like compounding the interest you’d earn on a certificate of deposit.
Definitely - I know that I can make more money than what I'm making now - and honestly (I can be honest with my diary right) I'm looking for something that I can make enough money to be able to kill my debts ASAP, save a healthy chunk of money, and then move into financing my real life.

Top Five Reasons Women Switch Jobs:
1) Family obligations - obligations to the family I want, yes.
2) New opportunities - definitely! The project I'm on is going through death throes - both in the cycle and in the budget, and chances to do what I'm good at are - slim......
3) Higher earning potential - Hello? Without a doubt.
4) Relocation - Definitely! I want/need to move the hell OUT of Indiana.
5) Job burn out. - Not so much - I actually enjoy what I've been doing - it's just the bleak future in front of me that I'm not looking forward to.

 

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And you know what really sucks? I don't have anyone to talk to about this - like, when & do I tell my current boss that I'm looking for a new job? What are the 'traps' that I might fall into if I accept a job as a consultant? How much money should I really be asking for? How do I approach my references, when they work for the company I'm leaving?
None of my other friends are - corporate like I am. One friend is - but he's worked for the same company (started on the store floor - has moved to Asst. Director of HR) his whole corporate career - so I'm the first one to do the whole job switch thing. Gah! There's just so much that I don't know..........