Carefree

So - I like it. I do. I like it hard, public, nasty and dirty. I like it with a touch of passion, a shitload of spice, some exhibitionism, and a lotta forbiddeness. I like it with Arab men, black men - very odd or very fine white men. I prefer it when I'm drunk, and have really no desire for it when I'm sober....and I don't really have a problem with that.
I dream about it the way I like it. The heat - the passion - the fire. I don't wanna talk about it, I just wanna do it. I had a dream like that last night - some guy I met on a beach while I was vacationing with Chris & his family. We snuck off and started rubbing and kissing and touching against the side of a little beachhouse - and when I got so wet that I thought my head was going to blow off, I stopped because I decided that I wanted to be in bed, so we snuck into a back bedrooom. Thinking back over it, I don't think we ever actually had sex - it was just the buildup to it that was so damn satisfying.
Once again - transience. If I'm only fucking you once - it doesn't really matter how well you do it, or if I wanna do it with you again - it's done. It's over - and I don't have to worry about trying to make it perfect or right or endlessly talking about what makes it better or different or what I like or what I don't or ANYTHING. It's just done.
And if I decide the next morning that I really never want to set eyes on you again - well, hell - I can do that too.
But what - just what if I think that I do want to see you again and instead I get cast aside like I say I can cast aside all of those others? That would suck - and that's something I never have to worry about being married - he can't just drop me because he doesn't want to see me again. We're stuck together, for good or for bad - for life. Well - he could drop me, and I could drop him - but, ya know - it's different now.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't married and sometimes I wish I was and until I can be all of one way or another I'm going to be confused at least half of the time.
And god knows, I'm so fucking sick of TALKING about shit - especially when I know that he's staying silent and withdrawn just to force me to talk. I'm not big on relationship style conversations - I'd much rather bring up a problem, work to a conclusion, and be done with it rather than having to rehash it over and over, and fucking over again. I have to build up the energy to talk. I have to gather myself together and build up the actual desire to sit down and listen to him babble on in his pseudo-intellectually superior matter about stuff I wouldn't even CARE about if it didn't matter to him - and actually force a bit of interest out of myself over it.
Maybe I don't like talking because I feel like I'm lying. The latest issue that we 'need' to talk about - that I know I'll have to bring up (mainly because I'm curious - I could really care less) is the fact that I've been home for *thinks* 5 days and we've yet to sleep in the same bed. *shrugs* Not that I really care, as I almost appreciate the fact that I haven't had to have sex with him yet, but at the same time it's odd. And even more odd is that fact that I really do care about his withdrawal - more in the way that I would care about a friend who suddenly stops hugging me when we greet each other than I would be expected to feel about a husband who normally doesn't come home until 2am and tells me he is surrounded by gorgeous women who hit on him all day and don't believe that he's married.
I wouldn't be hurt if he was cheating on me - I would be more relieved if anything. An easy out - a way to escape.
And see - I feel like a horrid horrid woman - a cold, unloving, unworthy of being married woman even thinking such things (much less having the ovaries to write them out) to say it - but it's true. And it's been that way since before we got married.
I downloaded the rest of my diary - everything before the great disappearance that is - and I think I'll take the computer home this weekend and read over it and see if I can remember what convinced me to marry him. And maybe I can remember some of the overwhelming love I apparently felt at one time - and maybe I can bring it back to life.
Maybe it's just that I was gone for so long - and everytime I called to talk to him, all he wanted to talk about was the Spot. And - I'm amazingly proud and supportive and shit of him, but really *shrugs* I don't care. And maybe that's the problem, at the very root of it all. I'm disconnected (you notice how I am focusing totally on me? because this is my shit, my issue, my problem and he just happens to be the poor soul who married me first) and I don't know if I really want to connect.
I've never had many friends for this very reason - it's HARD for me to care enough about someone to be truly interested in them. I'm a very only-child kinda person - on the fringe, very self-centered - yet generous as hell - just don't expect it to last forever. I make a fabulous friend, a wonderful host, and a craptastic wife.
And I don't know if I care enough to want to try to change.

continuation.

I've been married for 6 months, 2 weeks.
No, he has no clue - and it's not really a crisis. It's more confusion.
I try to bring back those feelings that I had right before we got married (ignoring the huge fight we had the night before, and the night of) and - it's just blank. It's empty - like there was never anything really there.
I tend not to trust myself - especially my feelings - because they change so damn much. And when it comes to my feelings about others - the feelings that I have that impact others lives - I'm even more - dainty with expressesing them - because once they come out, it's utterly impossible to take them back.
I feel broken sometimes - like i will never - can never - have a solid, intense relationship. That I back away - mentally or emotionally - when it just becomes all too much - when it starts asking more of me than I am comfortable giving.
I've been seriously reconsidering my desire to have kids because of this - a husband, I can leave (not easily - but I can leave) if I truly can't handle it anymore. Children - no matter how old - are for life - and it would kill me to leave them because otherwise it was killing me.
What the hell is going on in my head?

not sure....

I've found that doing what I want - even more so - just being me - makes me happy.
That not worrying - not even caring about what someone else thinks about me or what I'm doing - besides me - makes me glow - literally.
And - I like that.
I've been - mulling, I suppose is the best word - over whether I should have gotten married. Don't get me wrong - I do still love C, and I don't think I'd like to live the rest of my life without him - but at the same time - I don't like the feeling of being possesed.
I want a man to treat me like I'm not his.
I want to be able to treat a man like he's not mine - it makes it more precious - more valuable - more - transient, I suppose.
I want to move out of the States so damn badly that it hurts. I'm happy, I suppose, to be 'home' but - *sigh* there are so many little things that drive me crazy about here - not even the politcal climate just the social climate - and make me miss Geneva so badly that I almost want to beg to be sent back - crappy weather and all.
I might still have a chance to move to Italy in the next 4-6 months. Maybe. I can't get anyone to give me a straightforward yes or no, which of course keeps my hopes up. I'm willing to sweat, suffer, cry, stress, hate, and work 13 hour days to get the chance to go - and I'm willing to do that despite the fact that I know it might not make a difference.
C just opened a restaurant about a month ago. It's going really well. So well, in fact that he's talking about staying for at least a year.
If I move out of the country, and I have a way to make it, I might never come back.
And I don't know if I really want him to come with me.

purge-a-tory

the lives
the times
the people
perhaps my connections were never too real
too strong
too focused
to be kept.
I don't know
my heart isn't
here
anymore.

I've been on OD for almost *thinks* 4 years pretty consistently - low periods sometimes, high periods other times. Lately - for the past few months in fact - I've mainly been a reader - hardly ever a writer. And - I do want to keep reading - on some occasions - but I feel like I've fallen so far out of so many lives that I don't know if I havethe umph to slide myself back into them. I look at the favorite link for OD, and it's just like - uuugghhh. Guilt/sadness/distance all rolled into one. Maybe I'm too busy - between work and business and home and finally consiously trying to get off my ass and have a life outside of the screen. And the crash did't help - it's actually made the break maybe a little easier.
I think - if anything - I might start over. Dump all of A'ishah - strip down my faves to the bare minimum - and work forward from there. I've got till February to decide - and who knows what might happen by then.
:) Ciao for now.

Private Horror

 It's a feeling of dread, really. A feeling that something is seriously wrong, and I know that I don't have the strength or the courage to face it.

 

I sobbed during sex last weekend. My face was twsited away from him (to already conceal the grimaces that I couldn't fake as pleasure) and I just started - sobbing - and even now, I'm still not quite sure why.  It might have been because it didn't really feel GOOD to me - I was faking from the very beginning, and I kept on faking and kept on letting him fuck me because I didn't feel like dealing with the emotional sandstorm that would appear if I had gathered my energy, sat up, and shoved him away from me. But - it didn't feel like that - it felt like what I would picture being raped feels like - like someone stealing from you something very personal and precious and not being able to prevent them or even speak out to let them know what you've taken.

 

Since then - I don't know what's WRONG with me. At this point, I've honestly almost given up on ever satisfying him sexually - it will always be more than I want to give and less than he wants to have - and I'm sadly sucking up the feelings of disgust and following him into the bedroom for a mere fifteen miutes of humping - less if I am smart enough to suck him off first. Yet- at the same time I got throughly wet off of watching some skimply clad chicks on tv, and have used my vibrator TWICE. But - the very thought of him touching me, kissing me, fucking me - and I shudder and lose all interest. Hell - the thought of OTHER people having sex makes me feel sick.

 

We haven't even been married for three months - I shouldn't FEEL like this. I shouldn't have this low cloud of loathing that taints my heart - not already. I shouldn't feel like I want to be anywhere BUT home on his days off. I shouldn't daydream about what I would do with the mere 20K I've got him insured for if some crazed driver runs him off the highway on his way home from work. I shouldn't - I shouldn't be THIS mad already.

 

and even THINKING about it twists up my stomach into knots. And it scares me that I don't know WHY I cried - I'm not much of a crier, but something so deep in my head and heart was going on just then - something that is painful enough that I can't even CONSIDER it awake and sober without shying away - something is bubbling inside me, deep in my subconsious, and honestly, it's freaking the FUCK out of me.

 

I daren't - I don't WANT to talk to anyone about this....and it's not totally because of the shame. It's more because I feel like I'm failing - like I'm not living up to my side of this unspoken agreement - like once again, it's just NOT enough. And then I wonder, how the hell do I think babies come about? As many kids as I want - I'm going to have to learn (again) how to enjoy this, otherwise each one will be a bitter memory of me squeezing my eyes shut and chanting in my heart 'Cumcumcumcumcum'.

 

And then - that's the thing that scares me even more - the fact that I KNOW that I was once just as hot and horny as the next girl - spicier than I wanted to be. But then - if I think about those times now, I know that I was running - running away from something, running towards something - I'm not sure. But for the longest time sex - pure and raw and without thought - filled the gapingly empty space inside of me that I had actually managed to ignore. And - I wonder if the scab I built over that spot was really thick enough to resist me - shifting. I wonder if my discard of sex means that I'm healed - or does it mean that I'm hurting even more?

 

I don't KNOW. And this - this entry is the longest I've thouht about it. I - I sometimes wonder if I was abused as a child and blocked the memories somehow. That - to me at least - woud explain why I can't remember my whole childhood - why I crave the touch of strangers - why I'd much rather feel dirty and treasonous and bad about sex than do it the one way that most people agree is 'right'.  It would explain my attraction to baby boy bits - it would explain much ( I think) of what is odd and twisted sexually about me - it would explain why I was always so curious about sex and why I went through a promiscuous time and why I cringe at the thought of my husband touching me - but I don't want it.

 

 I want - I want my marriage to work. And - deep in the very lowest parts of my consious mind, I know that if I can't/won't have sex with him, I might as well write up the divorce papers there and then. And while I would be free, I wouldn't really - because the demand that he makes are sensible ones. Or are they ? *sigh* I don't KNOW!

 

And I'm so lonely. And so tired. and so sick of doing everything everything everything with others - another - in mind that I'm ready to scream FUCK THE WORLD and do MY gotdamn thing.

 

And it's not that I'm so very unhappy. I'm actually not very unhappy at all. I just wish - I just wish I wasn't here. For the first time in a long time - I'd much rather be living someone elses life. Just so that I can break out of the heartache that mine seems to be turning into.

 

Catch as catch can......

Hi there.

 

Work: It's busy as hell. I'm playing mental hooky right now as I jsut don't bloody FEEL like writing one more gotdamn test script. I'll get over it soon. Lots of old faces showing back up - it's going to be a fun couple of weeks - if I can keep my sanity. I've realized that I honestly don't like people much. If I'm around a lot of people (esp. if I'm 'ON' and around people) I have to be alone for at least three or four hours - just to decompress. I'm going to be doing a lot of decompressing this month.

 

Home: Eh. The house is a wreck, I'm starting to suspect that I'm the main one cleaning (which is getting nipped in the bloody bud PRONTO jack) and I haven't started packing (or even pre-packing) yet.  I think I'm afraid to clamber into the piles of crap that have invaded my home.

 

Money: Got paid today! Whoho! *snorts* yeah, whatever. Bills, bills, plus I have to hold some money in reserve for the move. *snorts* Paid a couple of IOU's out too - so that's not helping any.  So yes, I'm broke, less than 24 hours after the money hit my account. *shrugs* I'm still going to get my nails done though. I gave myself a pedicure last night, so now it's just the horrendous hands that I need to get worked on. I'm trying to see how long my nails will grow - right now they are about 1/4 inch over my nails bed - and they FEEL enourmously long - so this should be interesting. This is the longest I've ever gone with chipping or breaking one and needing to get new tips, so yeah.

 

Life: I'm considerin running away from home. I know I'm a little old for that - but on my way to work today I got the urge to just KEEP DRIVING. *sigh* I wonder how far I could get with two grand and a smile? Eh. I think I'm a little - weirded out by the fact the the VA project has been pushed back - and no-one is sure for how long it's getting pushed back. So - I feel a little - freer? but a little more stuck at the same time. That means I have to stay HERE for at least what? another year now? And while that fits in really nicely with C'.s plans - what effect (if any) does it have on mine? For once, I don't even care about wanting to plan or thin about the future. Sticking my head in a big-ass pile of sand sounds - almost heavenly right about now.

 

I think I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking, tired of planning, tired of being so bloody responsible, tired of being stable and secure and wise and calm and collected and a source of strength. I wanna let everything go and KNOW that there is someone else who will catch it and manage it for at least a little while. I'm tired of having my hands on the reins at work and at home - and I'm tired of feeling like I can't admit or acknowledge that tiredness.  

 

How do parents DEAL with it? I guess that's why the love is there - so that you can at least pretend that even though it''s all on you - you are doing it all for a reason far greater than money or accolades. *sigh*

 

Bleh. I need a vacation from life.

Keeping company.....

I'm violently jealous of one of my friends, yet I wouldn't trade places with him for a couple million - at least. He's an artist, a man of peace, a writer, a playwright - and he has glorious, spacious, uninteruppted periods of time to focus on himself and his art - largely because his girlfriends takes care of the 'worldly' matters, if ya know what I mean....

 

Now - being a kept woman isn't something that I would mind - so that's not why I wouldn't trade places with him - but when you are 'kept' by someone who seems to either loathe you or love you, and you feel the same -  but a little heavier on the loathing side - and can't escape due to a lack of cash - shiiitt. No thank you. I reallly, really don't think so.

 

Talking to him at work and he broke off to go and do some walking meditation - WALKING bloody meditation - such luxury there is in time to one's self - which started me thinking about women in the last century, and how the greatest blessing for a woman of mind and intelligence was to be barren, because otherwise all of her time would be taken up with bearing and taking care of children.

 

And I promptly shied away from even mentally placing myself in that position - but I'm not sure which one I was more afraid of - breeding so much that I have nothing left for me - or being barren and never really feeling like I reached a personal marker of having lived.

 

I feel - nebulous somehow. I feel like I'm coming to a turning point - I FEEL like something is about to come to pass and it's going to rock my world. And no, I'm not pregnant - but it just feels like that - like SOMETHING hanging over me, creeping in closer and closer. It's not necessarily a bad thing either - just a thing - a large interesting changing thing - and I can't wait for it to get here.

 

At least if I'm shaken I won't settle.

 

Squuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

So - I have a confession to make. I can be a bit of a crotchety old lady sometimes - esp. when it comes to changing something that I LIKE and didn't really plan on changing...like my cell phone. Yesterday, Ol' Crotchety (OC) was out in fulllllll effect.

C. has - suckass credit. I knew it before I married him (and it's actually milllioonnnsss of times better than it was when we first met), and I knew it would cause issues - but the lack of a PHONE was really blowing my mind. We don't have a landline as I was getting tired of being bent over by Ameritech. So - I had my lovely little Nokia, and he had a prepaid. *sighsighsigh* With all the work he has to do for the restaurant, and just his general business stuff - that phone was getting outlandishly expensive. So - we looked into a couple of plans, and figured that we could go with the Family Talk plan. I reallly do like cingular - they are head and shoulders above punkass AT&T, and Sprint *shakes head* I was in DC and couldn't hold a singal. DC! The nations CAPITAL! *shakes head* But - anyhow.... we go, and I find out (much to my horror) that I have to get a NEW cell phone. I like my celly. I have areally cute blue boxy cover on it, and it's just the right size, and - stuff. Add to that the fact that I'm cheap, Cheap, CHEAP - and well, you have the perfect environment for OC to come out of hiding.

I wandered around the store, moaning and groaning about the fact that I had to get a new phone and how all the phones were ugly and how I didn't wanna pay that much for a damn phone anyway and.... well, you get the idea. C was trying to top me by commenting on the fact that he had to get a new phone NUMBER - but well, OC is hard of hearing too. So - finally I settle on a siemens s56 phone - largely because it's a cute little bugger (LITTLE - I could tuck it in my bra and you'd have to be REALLLL close to notice - and while they are roomy - DAMN!) and secondly because it was only 40 bucks (after 50 buck mail in rebate). So - I'm whining the whhhooollleeee time - till I get home and started playing with it.

Ah! Ahhhhh! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!! This phone SOOOOO rocks. I mean - it rocks in ways I didn't even KNOW a phone could rock. I've got internet access, a shit load of memory, a COLOR screen, a voice recorder, and I can play all kinds of tunes for ringtones, and downloadable games and ahhhhhhhhhhhh............... it's SO fraking coool. It's kewl, even. I haven't been this distracted by a techy toy since I got my palm pilot. *sigh* It's a lovely little piece of machinery, it is. My only complaint is that the selection buttons are pointy, so while I'm reteaching myself to text (or SMS as they call it since it's an American version of a European phone - the s55) my thumb is gonna be sore. But seriously.... it rocks.

*shakes head* I don't believe I just wrote an entire entry about a phone. If it wasn't for my general supersition about wishing for excitement, I would wish for just a little excitement in my life. But - everytime I even think about it, I remember that old Chinese curse:

May you live in interesting times.

Really... no thanks.

'Us' Survey

1. How long have you been married? 1.5 months.

2. Where did you meet your husband? At a busstop downtown.

3. How old were you &  he when you met? I was 24, he was 26.

4. How long did you know him before you started dating him? about a month.

5. Where was your first date? We went to California Cafe for dinner (where I was first exposed to his chefly crtiqing skills), then walked along the canal for a couple of hours.

6. What was your first impression of him? Intelligent, funny, cute (though he was, and still is, high yalla!).

7. Did you kiss on your first date? Yes.

8. How long did you date before you got engaged? A little over a year.

9. Was his proposal unique? :) It was - us. He came home from work and called me in to 'talk', and making a big production out of it, proposed.

10. Did you help choose your own engagement ring? Help? *grins* Yeahhhh.... you can say I 'helped'.

11. Do you still have your original ring or have you "upgraded"? I still have the original stone, but changed the setting so that I could wear it with my wedding ring.

12. How long was your engagement? 3 years.

13. What color scheme was your wedding? Gold and Copper.

14. What is your fondest memory or favorite thing about your wedding? Fondest? :) When the minister TOTALLY screwed up saying work...repeatedly..

15. What one thing about your wedding still makes you cringe when you think about it? The fact that the flowers were LATE, and when they got there, they were wilted. *sigh*

16. What song did you dance to for the bridal dance? Since we didn't have an 'official' dance, I've no clue.

17. When you fed each other cake at the reception, did you do the smashing-cake-in-each-other's-face-thing? Nope! Cake went DIRECTLY into the mouth.

18. Did you have a honeymoon? No.....

19. Describe the first place you lived in together. Officially? My second apartment in Indy - before we got married. Afterwards - my *thinks* 3rd apartment in Indy - where we had been living in before the wedding too.

20. Before you married, did you discuss when you would start a family? Yes.

21. How many children do you want/have? He wants 2, I want 5...we'll have to figure out a compromise.

22. Use three words to describe your inlaws. Weird as hell.

23. Use three words to describe your husband: Wonderfully aggravatingly MINE.

24. In what ways are you not alike? He's more go with the flow, I have to plan. I'm anal about money, he's - not.

25. What things do you have in common? mostly everything.

26. What is the hardest lesson that being married has taught you? Sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do because it's best for the both of you.

27. If you had a chance to do it all again, what would you do differently? Nothing actually....maybe stay at a different hotel?

Trauma

A couple of weeks ago, somehow I got on the subject of circumcision with C. I think I just asked him whether or not he would want to circumsize his sons....and of course his answer was yes. I cringed - I couldn't help it - and started a discussion of why. I got the usual answers - 'so he'll look like me' - 'it's cleaner' - 'it's healthier'. And ya know - I can get with all that....but I can't get with putting my hypothetical son through more pain than he has ever experienced in his young life for a cosmetic choice. We parted - agreeing to disagree at this point in time.

I was reading an entry of Timmy's where he was talking about the regrowth of his 'fauxskin' and that put the bug up my bum to go and check out some circ sites. *deep breath*

I actively looked for 'balanced' sites - so that when I presented it to C. it wouldn't be some mad radical rantings. And - I thought that circumcision.org was a rather balanced site - it presented the times when circumcision is medically needed (which you can't determine until the kid is four or so) and the history of circumcision (didja know it became popular in the States as a way to stop boys from mastrabating?) and - pictures of an infant circumcision. I'm still slightly nauseated - and normally I'm totally cool with bloodish pictures. But - that? to a week old child? so he'll LOOK right? And potentially WITHOUT anesthesia since it came make the already tiny member swell to the point that the circ will be 'incomplete'?

So - I thought - okay - let's try to find some 'reliable' sites. The American Association of Pediatrics states that circumcision is NOT medically necessary, nor is there any proof that an uncircumsized man has a higher rate of catching STD's (circ'd or not - use a damn condom!), UTI's or penile cancer. And - the care of an infant uncir'ed is actually EASIER - because you don't have a open wound to deal with - nor do you have any risk on the kid getting infected from unire or feces in the open wound. The AAP was even kind enough to provide information on the care of an uncirc'd baby - you just wash it. You don't have to pull it back (in fact that is a BAD idea as it's still partially joined to the glans and you can cause tearing and bleeding by doing that) and you don't have to take any special care. Once the child is older - all he has to do is pull back the foreskin, wash under it with soap and water, and rinse. I don't have a dick - but damn that sounds easy. And the smega? Girls produce the SAME thing - and in slightly larger amounts - yet in the States we prosecute people who try to cut their daughters labia's off so they won't mastrabate and so they stay cleaner - instead, we teach our daughters how to wash their bits.

So far - I hadn't seen a single thing that said, or even suggested - you will do harm to your son if you don't get this done. In fact - so far everything I had seen and read suggested that you inflict more pain and do more harm by getting it done. But - people still do it - why? So - I went looking for some pro-circ sites. *sigh* Three were obviously jewish, and one *shudder* one was just a weeeeee bit fetishtic. Outside of religion (and arguements about cleanliness which the AAP squashed - and sometimes, yeah - I will listen to the good doc's) I didn't find a single pressing reason to put a infant through a 'minor surgical procedure' in the first week of his life so that his ding-dong would look right. Hell - they even wait longer than that for children who were born with FACIAL defects.

So - I'm not sure when, but at some point I'm going to sit down with C and go through these websites - I'll save the pictures for last. I'm not sure what I would do if one we had a son he would still want him circumsized - I'm not sure how far I would go to protect my child. I know that I would make sure that he watched the procedure to see exactly what he is putting his son through for cosmetics, and I think I would cry. Yeah, I would definitely cry. Before I saw the pictures I cringed at the thought of doing it - afterwards - I think I'd be sobbing knowing that the child I cherished, nourished, and protected inside of me for nine (ten really) months was going through that kind of pain for NO GOOD REASON. I'd be traumatized.