Haiyrh

I'm going to ramble on about my hair for a little while here - you can move along, really, nothing to see here.

So. Hair. It's always an interesting topic for black women - what do do with it, how to take care of it, how to style it, how to get it to grow. Any conversation involving more than three black women for ANY period of time will eventually stumble across the subject of hair.

It's not just hair for most of us - it's a symbol - truly, in the black community, the concept of a crowning glory ain't just limited to those hats. An out and fluffy afro makes most people think of the 70's, and Black Panthers. A short permed style - also known as the Halle Berry - gives the impression of sophisticated elegance. Locs - earthy/Return to Africa vibe.
And I'm not even going to get INTO the good hair/bad hair issues we have, remmants of slavery, rather akin to our just as sad skin color issues. So - hair - for most black people - is WAAAYYY more than the stuff that's on your head. It has - meaning.

Most black women though,  they relax (also called a perm - but it's to make hair straight, not curly) their hair - to make it straight, and shiny, and easily managable. Or, they get weaves (to do the same). Or they get the Jherri Curl (which seems to be much more popular in the South). Or - if they decide not to straighten their hair, they chop it all off and rock an itty bitty afro, or they loc it up - or they keep it braided.

All of which, are really valid - and usually gorgeous - ways to wear your hair. I was one of the loc'd up crowd, until I got sick of how - dead and dry and limp and STRAIGHT my hair was.  My natural hair is, in no way, shape, or form, straight. In fact, it's some of the kinkiest, curliest, nappiest, hair I've ever seen - and I LOVE it. But - I have no CLUE of how to take care of it.

When I was little, my hair was usually braided in two cornrows down the side of my head - I wore a headpiece most of the time, so it wasn't like I really NEEDED a style. And considering the fact that I HATED getting my hair done (combing through all that curly twisty goodness HURTED) - neither me nor my mother were really interested in experiementation.

I got my first relaxer over Christmas break of '95, and my hair was below my shoulders - and I promptly chopped it all of to a pixie cut.  I lived with the pixie cut for about 4 years - getting the occasional perm, but more often, getting my hair braided with artificial hair. I never really LIKED my permed hair - I have almost baby fine hair (and a shitload of it) and when I had a perm - I looked like a wet cat. I couldn't keep a curl because of how fine my hair was, and I quickly got sick of slapping lye on my head - and it was always the 'extra strong' stuff because of how nappy my hair is - despite the fact that it's fine as all get out.

I got my last perm in Feb of 99, and started keeping my hair braided almsot all the time. Sometimes, I could put them in double strand twists - but it was a PAIN. I would have to give up a day almost every weekend to undo, condition, grease, and redo my hair. I knew I wouldn't go back to the perm, and I knew that I was sick of spending 300.00 every two months to get my hair braided - and if I was going to keep it braided ANYWAY - why not just get locs?

So, November of 2001, I started locking my hair. I loved it - in the beginning. It was wild and wooly and EASY to manage and bouncy and - just - the bee's knees. But as they got older, and as I dyed it, and as my locs got weighed down with more shed hair - they got skinner and skinnier, and harder and harder - until there came a point when I realized that I didn't LIKE my hair much anymore. So, I started taking the locs out (cuz there was no way in hell I was going to cut all my hair off).

May 2006, I had loose hair for the first time in five years. It's - it's seriously amazing stuff. I'm in - awe, almost - of my hair. A lot of the awe is from ignorance (I've done more research on hair in the last month than I've done my entire life!) I realized that taking care of extra kinky, super fine hair is something - unique - really, and I have to learn what it - needs, what it likes, what helps it grow.  My goal - eventually - is to have loose, natural hair that goes about to the middle of my back. Not loc'd, not permed - just - my hair, out and natural.

*sigh* My hair grows FAST too - in the 2 months since I've dyed it, it's grown at least an inch and a half - which is on the high end of the normal range - however, the challANGE! for me is learning how to take CARE of my hair, so that I keep all that length. One thing that I'm going to have to do is stop dying it - I KNOW that's causing my ends to dry out and break off and just generally do things that are not conducive to lots and lots of hair. However, I stubbornly refuse to live with fading red hair (ie, orange!) so - I'm going to start using henna (all natural, no funky metals) to dye my hair. I have a friend in Nashville who has some of the most GORGEOUS red hair - and she's been using Henna for years. Her hair also goes to the middle of her back - so it certainly doesn't IMPEDE growth.

So yes, I've found a new obsession. It's odd how the things that I'm getting into all link together. I'm eating better, so I can lose weight (10 pounds lost so far!), and that helps my hair grow!! Along with all the water. It's - funny, really - how much jsut being healthy supports - everything!

So. That's my hair ramble. I've gone over bits and pieces of this - but I wanted to write it all down - so that 6 months from now, when I'm bitterly cursing all this damn hair, and want to chop it off, I can read this, and remember how - glorious - my real hair really is.

So, ten pound loss!! Whooohoooo! And all that.

*sigh* So why don't I feel like I've actually acheived something? I've lost 4% of my body weight - which ain't half bad - and it's just - meh. 

Thinking back, I think this is a large part of the reason why I backslid so severely last time I lost weight - I was seeing the numbers change  - but I wasn't really impressed with the results. And then, when I hit the period where the numbers just WOULDN'T change - and I thought that 'shocking' my body by increasing carbs and calories might work - and well, I shocked 60 pounds right back on. 

Once again, this solidifies the need for PICTURES.  Dated, pictures - because I'm sure that if I looked at a picture from last month, and a picture from today - I know that I WOULD see a difference. The camera doesn't lie.  

*thinks* Let's see - I've lost the tiny bit of a double chin I was forming (I realized that when I was looking down, I could feel this little lump of fat - that scared me! I've never had a double chin!), and my wedding rings are fitting better. *thinks*  I've only got another 16 pounds to lose to fit my short term goal - and I've got two months to lose it in! 

Blah!! It's jsut that - I want - so badly - to have the hot body. And I'm only 10% of the way there - of course, that's a hell of a lot better than being only 1% there - or 0% there! It is! it's just - soooooo slow. That's what it is - slow, slow, slow. I want this to happen in a blur - and I know that looking BACK at it - it will happen in a blur. Hell - those first ten pounds vanished while I was gardening, camping, reading, drinking, laughing, loving, praying for the lottery, and just generally - LIVING life.  And I can keep living life, and stay fat - or I can live life, and lose weight at the same time! Wow! What a notion!  

Yes, I'm being snarkily sarcastic - it's just. Bleh. I don't know.  I'm certianly not DOWNPLAYING my loss, it's just - *sigh* it's just that I so wish it was so much more. And I know that I will have to keep 'ramping up' my - challeneges to myself, I guess - in order to keep this sort of progress going. I still haven't gotten the key to the Fitness Center *ggrrrrr!!!* so I'm not able to workout yet. *sigh*  I have been eating right, drinking lots of water, and taking my vitamins though - the vitamins alone are damn near a miracle, as I hate swallowing pills, but managed to find some Centrum Chewables, so I'm happy. 

*sigh* I really should have taken pictures yesterday - I refuse to document this journey in front of my hubby - he loves me JSUT as I am, and I don't want him getting any ideas.  

How scary is that?? I've just realized - just like the mirror lies to me, I honestly do believe that his eyes lie to him - and I don't want him to see me without a filter....because then I'm afraid he wouldn't be nearly as attracted to me as he is now - and man, that would break my heart. So he's  not allowed to help in any way shape or form, except for gently supporting my food choices. 

I can tell that my metabolism is ramping up though - I'm actually MORE hungry than usual. *sigh* I realize, that's one distinct downfall to have a working metabolism - it's such a HASSLE eating so much of the times. Especially eating aware! Before, I could go - hours at a time (12-14) without eating, and I MIGHT get hungry - once - and then I'd drink a lil water or something, and I'd be fine. NOW? Phsshh! I'm actually HUNGRY enough to eat breakfast (and that's BEFORE I start working out), and lunch time, as well as snack times, make themselves QUITE well known to me. I have to look at it as a good thing, not as my body trying to distract me from whatever I'm actually focused on just so that it can get fed. Humph, demanding creatures, bodies are, ain't they? 

It's definitely an encouragment to ensure that I have plenty of pre-prepped stuff ready for me to eat - esp. at work! We have a full sized fridge here, and I bring about a week/week&a half's worth of food, and just leave it here - that way, if I decide I want yogurt for breakfast, and for a snack, I've got enough here - and there's less chance of me 'forgetting' to bring my lunch to work - it's already here! 

Okay, I think I'm done whining now.

Weigh-In Mondays....

Starting weight: 246
Last week's weight: 238.5
Current weight:  236.0
This week's loss: 2.5
Total loss: 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STG: 220
LTG: 140

*does a happy dance* 

I've hit my first short term goal - TEN pounds!!  I'm so stoked.

Okay - I usually sneak on the scale at some point in the middle of the day Sunday, just to try and give myself a 'preview' of what the 'official' weigh-in is going to be - and I'm starting to think it's worthless, as Sunday's weight and Monday morning's weight NEVER match up. :) but I'm usually plesantly suprised, so! 

Whoohoo! Onto the next ten!

Godly Thoughts

It's interesting - I've been thinking about how to explain - faith and God and religion - to future kidlings - and realized that - I don't believe in the 'classic' concept of God.  But then, for some reason, the thought 'God helps those who help themselves' drifted into my mind today. Along with - Thou art God - which I always vibed with, but never fully grokked. *smiles* But - analyzing those two things  - led me to -  in order to get anything done - you have to help yourself. 

Am I God? No - but - I reflect my God - my - vision of God.  

If I believe that I have a just, fair, loving God - then my every act should be just, fair and loving.  I AM God in that I represent God in the only way that humans can really connect to God - in their minds & spirits.  I am not God in the form that I have powers to control all - but then, I don't really believe that my God(s) control all.  I believe that - they are (usually) a shining example of how to be the best human possible - and in that way - I can become godlike. 

More mulling over this is required..... I'm just randomly gushing things onto the page.

The Mirror Lies

It's really been a struggle for me - acknowledging how large I am. 

I'm doing some new 'stuff' with my hair, and I decided to take a few side/profile shots of myself - and my god! I recognized my ears, and my hair - but whose puffy, flabby face is that? And why is it so BIG? 

My husband and I recently brought a house, and our real estate agent always takes pictures of her customers at closing to use in testimonials - and she included a copy of the picture - and - who IS that? The huge face with the deep creases around the nose and mouth when I smile (all fat). The outfit that I THOUGHT looked so cute looking like - who did what, and WHY, dear god, WHY? 

I try to sit outside for a few minutes every afternoon - just to soak up some sun and warm up. The bench that I sit on is right in front of a plateglass windows, which insure a good reflection. Somedays, I just look at myself - seeing the rolls on the back, and the width of my upper arm (it's as wide as my hand!) and the generally blobby apperance - and I'm honestly shocked. Who IS that woman? Where did she come from? How long have I not noticed that she's been here? 

 

The mirror lies. I'm not sure if it's the delicate forgiveness my eyes give the image transmitted back from the glass, or if it's a illusion built of movement and personality - but, the mirror LIES.  

I've trusted the mirror for years - I'm not a vain woman, by any stretch of the imagination, but I do try to look - neat, clean and nice. Professional, even, and generally cute & attractive.  The mirror has supported me all these years, soothed me when the scale creeped, reassured me when comparing myself to others - but it lied to me.  

Pictures, on the other hand - tell the truth. My god - it just hit me that I'm BACK at the weight where I was last time I took 'progress' pictures. I can't find the skimpily dressed ones, but here is how far I came, went, and retreated. 

I don't think I'm QUITE as big as I was in the first picture - but I could be wrong.  I've thrown (or given) away all of those clothes - well, not - actually I haven't. I have one dress left from then - it was a long linen dress, and I refused to get rid of it (I was plotting on making a skirt from it) and that dress is a bit tighter than I would like it to be.  I think it's a size 22.  

*sighs* That girl in the second picture - that WOMAN in the second picture - that's my vision of me - of what I look like - no matter HOW much I weigh.  And the mirror concurs.  

I've decided that I'm going to HAVE to take pictures to see the truth.  I'm not going to try to take them every week - I think I'll take a picture every month.  And I want it to be a nice picture - a picture that I can bring to work with me, so that I can post it in my cubicle for inspiration.  I'm going to post one on the wall next to my alarm clock so that I can see it when I wake up, and it will encourage me to get out of bed and workout in the morning.  

*sighs* I feel oddly tired. *sighs* Maybe tired isn't the right word - I feel - deflated. Not - worthless, not - despondent, but deflated. Frustrated?  Maybe, maybe not. It's - it's - I'm disappointed in myself.  I'm disappointed that I was doing SO well, and then just - backslid. Was it the stalling weightloss? Was it the frustration with the limited food selections on Atkins? Was it just - oversecurity because the mirror lies, and I tend to avoid pictures like the plague (Hmmm, I wonder why THAT is??)??? I don't know - but I'm NOT going to let it happen again.  

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.  I made a bad choice (to stop eating healthy, to stop working out, to stop treating myself the way I deserve to be treated) and I've learned - ouch, have I learned. 

The mirror lies.

Interessstiinnnnggg..............

So - this is going to be harder than I expected. I suspect that I will have to cut down on my protien - or break down and start eating the processed versions. 
See - a large part of me changing my eating habits/patterns is because I am on a path of becoming more natural. I'm working with my natural hair, I'm going organic in the garden, I'm trying to use as few chemicals in the house as possible - just in general - I'm trying to green my life. And eating stuff that I can grow/breed - is a LARGE part of that. So, I'm rather - reluctant to break down and get the ultra-processed protien in order to hit my numbers. Blech. 

Anyhow! Didn't eat nearly to plan today. Well, that's not true - everything I ate WAS on plan - I just didn't eat nearly enough. 

I woke up around 7:30, got to work around 8:15, had a cup of coffee (with a teaspoon of dried milk - nonfat - in it - I figured anyway I can sneak even a tiny bit of protien in, the better). Didn't eat breakfast - told myself it was because I didn't exercise this morning. Ummhmm. 
Around noon, had lunch - one serving of the Chicken Dijon Potato Salad. It was actually pretty good - sitting overnight CERTAINLY helped it. I would use less mustard next time though. 

Around 3, the thought started nudging me that I needed to eat - but I got 'involved' in something, and was convienently busy. My plan was to have an apple, and some peanut butter, and maybe a bit of cheese then. 

Got home, dicked about in the garden for a while, then came in and made myself this HUGE salad, with 8oz of pork on it (ugh!) and two slices of toast with some fat-free cream cheese. Only finished half the salad, and about 3'4 of the meat - I gave the rest of the salad to hubby. 

Have had two 32 oz of water.....and a lite beer, and a glass of wine. Ahhhh.... 

Overall scoring? 

Pro:143g
Car: 65g
Fat:  63g

Not too bad!! I plan on having a couple of the Eggies for dessert  (2g Pro/11 calories) and I don't know....maybe some tea!! I've got wiggle room for almost any high protien/mid fat/mid carby item.....but, I really don't think I can eat another SOLID bite. (One benefit of the Eggies - they are light and soft). 

This is really going to require a SERIOUS reworking of how I think about food - what I palce values on. After the years of lowcarbing, and the deeply ingrained resistance to fat  - it's - interesting - actually eating - right. Yummy, too.

---

So - one other thing that I have picked up on pretty quickly to judge a food/meat.  Anything I get - fat grams need to be half of either carb grams or protien grams. So - for instance, when I was grocery shopping yesterday - it was EASY to figure out what kind of sausage I needed to get - the one with 12 g of P and 6g of F!  The same goes for almost everything - it should either be carb heavy, or protien heavy, and light on the fats. In addition, that insures that my ratios are always good - if I reduce the serving size, I reduce the ratio at the same time. 

Umm - what else have I learned on this first day of eating healthy and consiously. The food tastes pretty damn good - though the salads will be better when it's home grown veggies in them. I don't have to deny myself (of much - chips, I've totally sworn off of, as well as fast food - but dammit, that's just eating HEALTHY).  I think my hair is going to grow faster - between the vitamins and the protien! Oh! The vitamins - I totally scored at the grocery store and found two bottles of CHEWABLE Centrum! How cool is that? So - I've been taking one of those right before I brush my teeth. 

Hmm - what else? My horoscope today seemed to have good words for me: 

Dear Kiya,
Here is your horoscope
for Wednesday, July 5:

Once you firmly commit yourself to change, you'll take off in your new direction as if you had rockets strapped to your feet. So what are you waiting for? Get to that launch pad and start the countdown, already.

 

*grins* I'm jsut waiting for my keycard! Okay - honestly, even if I get it tomorrow, I not going to GO til Monday - but I WILL work out on Sat and Sun on the Gazelle while hubby is at work. Or - maybe I'll walk up to the community center, and see what sort of stuff they have going on up there.

Lovely, that was....

There really should be more four day weekends - they are lovely - just long enough to TRULY enjoy the weekend, but not quite long enough that I am dreading (anymore than usual) coming to work. So....

Didn't do NEARLY as much as I planned, but did do the important stuff.  The bathroom is spotless! The kitchen - mostly spotless. It was spotless before I leapt upon it and wrecked it with a 4 hour cooking marathon. Living Room - as spotless as it can be two days after making it spotless. The accursed wallpaper, I'm starting to consider just painting over it and calling it 'texture', but I know that would drive me bonkers in a few months, so slowly but surely I'm still chipping it off. See - the problem with the wallpaper is the fact that well - it's paper. I mean - PAPER. Like a extra thin brown paper bag, firmly glued to the wall. And, the second it gets wet, the edges come up - but that's about it. I've tried scoring the paper - that just makes the edges come up it neat little squares before it rips halfway through because it's sooooo delicate. Dammit.

I wonder if you can rent indoor sandblasters? We could do the walls and strip the floor all at once!

My hair was loved and moisturized and nutured on all weekend - as a reward, it's haloing my head in a very pretty display of curly cottony goodness.

Hubby had to work Monday and Tuesday - but both days he went in at noon, and was home before 3 - so it w as ALMOST like he had the days off. Man, I love it when he's salaried.

And - to top things off - I only have to be at work for three days!! Heh. Life IS wonderful.

Pre-cooking

Quite proud of myself..... I did a bit of cooking for the rest of week (eating 5 meals at home is going to be a struggle!)

I made -
Chicken Salad (chicken, potatoes, cauliflower, green beans...)
Pollack (baked & flaked to go with lettuce and some spicy dressing)
Baked Barley and Mushrooms (yummy side to go with whatever meat)
A chicken breast (to go to work with me & some Barley for lunch)
Bacon for breakfast
One serving of Eggs for breakfast (need to find more containers)
Meringues (for a sweet protien rich snack)

I need to pick up some pita, and tomorrow, I need to make up the rest of the eggs for the week, as well as some yogurt dip and some cucumber salad for the weekend. I most likely need to fix more chicken too, though we still have a good bit of that, and a LOT of pork, leftover from grilling this weekend.

I've packed a paper bag to take with me with utensils, apples, peanut butter, dry milk, and all the other non-refrigerated items - I'll dump the cold stuff in tomorrow morning.

Bugger!! I just realized that I STILL don't have the key to the fitness center - hopefully I will get it tomorrow - well, that gives me another day before I will need to start laying out my clothes - and hey! That also means I can sleep late tomorrow! Excellent!

Monday Weigh-In

Starting weight: 246
Last week's weight: 243
Current weight: 238.5
This week's loss: -4.5
Total loss: 7.5
STG: 220
LTG: 140

Amazing!!! Wow! Ummm - I'm just so happy about the loss! Let's see - I'll be working (hard) around the house today, and going grocery shopping to be sure that I have everything I need to eat clean - period!

Looking forward to the rest of the week!!

Utter, and complete, Insanity....

See, I KNEW I was crazy!! That whole long, angsty diatribe about my husband yesterday? We were at home, talking about something (I think it was the lack of eggs in the house) and jsut naturally it started flowing - I explained that I wanted to start eating healthier and exercising, and I had been talking to a few friends of mine who gave me pointers, and that I wanted to be sure that our grocery list relfected that.

Sooooo bloody easy. He was down with us eating healthier, but so totally not interested in the P/C/F breakdowns that I have to do. As I explained to him - you, really only have 20 (he negotiated me up to 25) pounds to lose - and considering how EASILY you lose weight - you don't have to be NEARLY as strict as I do! so!! That was soooo simple!

Anyhow. I think that (as usual) I'm taking things in too big of chunks! I need to remember that this is just the start, and I don't have to be PERFECT from the beginning - I just need to make my best effort. And as long as I'm making my BEST effort, I'm going to get better, and better, and better - and soon, I'mma be the poo, and others will just have to take a big whiff.

So - now here comes the fun! Figuring out the food - as well as a way to figure out foods WITHOUT driving myself utterly bonkers. I think I have some recipe calculating software tucked at home somewhere - and I'll definitely be using this : Google Spreadsheets so that I can keep track of stuff both at work and at home without having to use my iPod as a portable drive. 
I've been looking at body builder websites (because they have diets that are closest to mine) but - those men (mostly) are INSANE!! Chicken breasts and canned tuna seems to be about all they eat - almost no fats! I'm SUPPOSED to get 100g of fats, and I plan on enjoying each and every gram!! Also - they tend to stick to very American recipes - I LOVE eating from all different cultures (and plan on having MUCH sashimi - I mean, it's PURE low fat protien, but dished out in an amazingly yummylicious way) and I KNOW that other cultures will ahve high protien/low fat/med carbs foods that I will enjoy and appreciate. I'm already plotting on how to make my own pita bread for lunchtime sandwichs - in my mind, loaf bread REQUIRES a spread to make a good sammich - but pita bread doesn't.
This whole diet - and my recipes - are going to be about making food that is quick, healthy, yummy, and helps me lose weight. Really, except for the losing weight part, isn't that what MOST of us want in our daily diets? And I honestly don't think it's difficult - it's just not been properly RESEARCHED. *wide grin*  
For example - I've already come up with breakfast - I'm going to cook  3 egg whites, and 1 egg - well salted & seasoned - into 4 little rounds about the size of a McMuffin. 1/2 oz of cheese sliced into two pieces (or even less) and two sausages, or ham, or chicken, or bacon - or whatever kind of meat, and a smear (I'm think 1/2 tbls) of jam. Yummy, filling, doesn't feel the LEAST bit depriving, and has: 364 cals, 43g P, 17g F, and 5g C. Most of the carbs come from the jam, and most of the fat comes from the sausage - oohh!! I wonder what the playout would be if I replaced the sausage with a breakfast patty, MorningStar style?? Hmmm... it drops the protien by 4g, drops the fat by 3g, and UPS the carbs by 7g! I think I'll stick with the real stuff - esp considering I'm SUPPOSED to be getting 20g of fat a meal - that's actually a little low - but that means that I could cook the eggs in butter!
But - that's going to be brekkie most days - I can switch out bacon, or just some cheese - or whatever I want in the middle. It's something that can be made ahead of time, will freeze well, pops in the microwave easily, AND is easier to consume (at least for me).
I need to work on similiar ideas to that for ALL of my meals - I want to do this for the next week during the week, so Friday I can go and get anything fresh that I need for meals for the next week, and then Sunday I can cook.  As time goes on, I'll develop recipes I love, stuff I hate, and I'll figure out how to mix and match things well. I'm NOT going to learn how to do this without actually DOING it. And since I'll be doing it, I'l be able to spread it over a longer period of time, and it WON'T be quite so overwhelming. 

I am crazy sometimes - way tooooooo inside my head, and stubborn. Here's to change!