purge-a-tory

the lives
the times
the people
perhaps my connections were never too real
too strong
too focused
to be kept.
I don't know
my heart isn't
here
anymore.

I've been on OD for almost *thinks* 4 years pretty consistently - low periods sometimes, high periods other times. Lately - for the past few months in fact - I've mainly been a reader - hardly ever a writer. And - I do want to keep reading - on some occasions - but I feel like I've fallen so far out of so many lives that I don't know if I havethe umph to slide myself back into them. I look at the favorite link for OD, and it's just like - uuugghhh. Guilt/sadness/distance all rolled into one. Maybe I'm too busy - between work and business and home and finally consiously trying to get off my ass and have a life outside of the screen. And the crash did't help - it's actually made the break maybe a little easier.
I think - if anything - I might start over. Dump all of A'ishah - strip down my faves to the bare minimum - and work forward from there. I've got till February to decide - and who knows what might happen by then.
:) Ciao for now.

Private Horror

 It's a feeling of dread, really. A feeling that something is seriously wrong, and I know that I don't have the strength or the courage to face it.

 

I sobbed during sex last weekend. My face was twsited away from him (to already conceal the grimaces that I couldn't fake as pleasure) and I just started - sobbing - and even now, I'm still not quite sure why.  It might have been because it didn't really feel GOOD to me - I was faking from the very beginning, and I kept on faking and kept on letting him fuck me because I didn't feel like dealing with the emotional sandstorm that would appear if I had gathered my energy, sat up, and shoved him away from me. But - it didn't feel like that - it felt like what I would picture being raped feels like - like someone stealing from you something very personal and precious and not being able to prevent them or even speak out to let them know what you've taken.

 

Since then - I don't know what's WRONG with me. At this point, I've honestly almost given up on ever satisfying him sexually - it will always be more than I want to give and less than he wants to have - and I'm sadly sucking up the feelings of disgust and following him into the bedroom for a mere fifteen miutes of humping - less if I am smart enough to suck him off first. Yet- at the same time I got throughly wet off of watching some skimply clad chicks on tv, and have used my vibrator TWICE. But - the very thought of him touching me, kissing me, fucking me - and I shudder and lose all interest. Hell - the thought of OTHER people having sex makes me feel sick.

 

We haven't even been married for three months - I shouldn't FEEL like this. I shouldn't have this low cloud of loathing that taints my heart - not already. I shouldn't feel like I want to be anywhere BUT home on his days off. I shouldn't daydream about what I would do with the mere 20K I've got him insured for if some crazed driver runs him off the highway on his way home from work. I shouldn't - I shouldn't be THIS mad already.

 

and even THINKING about it twists up my stomach into knots. And it scares me that I don't know WHY I cried - I'm not much of a crier, but something so deep in my head and heart was going on just then - something that is painful enough that I can't even CONSIDER it awake and sober without shying away - something is bubbling inside me, deep in my subconsious, and honestly, it's freaking the FUCK out of me.

 

I daren't - I don't WANT to talk to anyone about this....and it's not totally because of the shame. It's more because I feel like I'm failing - like I'm not living up to my side of this unspoken agreement - like once again, it's just NOT enough. And then I wonder, how the hell do I think babies come about? As many kids as I want - I'm going to have to learn (again) how to enjoy this, otherwise each one will be a bitter memory of me squeezing my eyes shut and chanting in my heart 'Cumcumcumcumcum'.

 

And then - that's the thing that scares me even more - the fact that I KNOW that I was once just as hot and horny as the next girl - spicier than I wanted to be. But then - if I think about those times now, I know that I was running - running away from something, running towards something - I'm not sure. But for the longest time sex - pure and raw and without thought - filled the gapingly empty space inside of me that I had actually managed to ignore. And - I wonder if the scab I built over that spot was really thick enough to resist me - shifting. I wonder if my discard of sex means that I'm healed - or does it mean that I'm hurting even more?

 

I don't KNOW. And this - this entry is the longest I've thouht about it. I - I sometimes wonder if I was abused as a child and blocked the memories somehow. That - to me at least - woud explain why I can't remember my whole childhood - why I crave the touch of strangers - why I'd much rather feel dirty and treasonous and bad about sex than do it the one way that most people agree is 'right'.  It would explain my attraction to baby boy bits - it would explain much ( I think) of what is odd and twisted sexually about me - it would explain why I was always so curious about sex and why I went through a promiscuous time and why I cringe at the thought of my husband touching me - but I don't want it.

 

 I want - I want my marriage to work. And - deep in the very lowest parts of my consious mind, I know that if I can't/won't have sex with him, I might as well write up the divorce papers there and then. And while I would be free, I wouldn't really - because the demand that he makes are sensible ones. Or are they ? *sigh* I don't KNOW!

 

And I'm so lonely. And so tired. and so sick of doing everything everything everything with others - another - in mind that I'm ready to scream FUCK THE WORLD and do MY gotdamn thing.

 

And it's not that I'm so very unhappy. I'm actually not very unhappy at all. I just wish - I just wish I wasn't here. For the first time in a long time - I'd much rather be living someone elses life. Just so that I can break out of the heartache that mine seems to be turning into.

 

Catch as catch can......

Hi there.

 

Work: It's busy as hell. I'm playing mental hooky right now as I jsut don't bloody FEEL like writing one more gotdamn test script. I'll get over it soon. Lots of old faces showing back up - it's going to be a fun couple of weeks - if I can keep my sanity. I've realized that I honestly don't like people much. If I'm around a lot of people (esp. if I'm 'ON' and around people) I have to be alone for at least three or four hours - just to decompress. I'm going to be doing a lot of decompressing this month.

 

Home: Eh. The house is a wreck, I'm starting to suspect that I'm the main one cleaning (which is getting nipped in the bloody bud PRONTO jack) and I haven't started packing (or even pre-packing) yet.  I think I'm afraid to clamber into the piles of crap that have invaded my home.

 

Money: Got paid today! Whoho! *snorts* yeah, whatever. Bills, bills, plus I have to hold some money in reserve for the move. *snorts* Paid a couple of IOU's out too - so that's not helping any.  So yes, I'm broke, less than 24 hours after the money hit my account. *shrugs* I'm still going to get my nails done though. I gave myself a pedicure last night, so now it's just the horrendous hands that I need to get worked on. I'm trying to see how long my nails will grow - right now they are about 1/4 inch over my nails bed - and they FEEL enourmously long - so this should be interesting. This is the longest I've ever gone with chipping or breaking one and needing to get new tips, so yeah.

 

Life: I'm considerin running away from home. I know I'm a little old for that - but on my way to work today I got the urge to just KEEP DRIVING. *sigh* I wonder how far I could get with two grand and a smile? Eh. I think I'm a little - weirded out by the fact the the VA project has been pushed back - and no-one is sure for how long it's getting pushed back. So - I feel a little - freer? but a little more stuck at the same time. That means I have to stay HERE for at least what? another year now? And while that fits in really nicely with C'.s plans - what effect (if any) does it have on mine? For once, I don't even care about wanting to plan or thin about the future. Sticking my head in a big-ass pile of sand sounds - almost heavenly right about now.

 

I think I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking, tired of planning, tired of being so bloody responsible, tired of being stable and secure and wise and calm and collected and a source of strength. I wanna let everything go and KNOW that there is someone else who will catch it and manage it for at least a little while. I'm tired of having my hands on the reins at work and at home - and I'm tired of feeling like I can't admit or acknowledge that tiredness.  

 

How do parents DEAL with it? I guess that's why the love is there - so that you can at least pretend that even though it''s all on you - you are doing it all for a reason far greater than money or accolades. *sigh*

 

Bleh. I need a vacation from life.

Keeping company.....

I'm violently jealous of one of my friends, yet I wouldn't trade places with him for a couple million - at least. He's an artist, a man of peace, a writer, a playwright - and he has glorious, spacious, uninteruppted periods of time to focus on himself and his art - largely because his girlfriends takes care of the 'worldly' matters, if ya know what I mean....

 

Now - being a kept woman isn't something that I would mind - so that's not why I wouldn't trade places with him - but when you are 'kept' by someone who seems to either loathe you or love you, and you feel the same -  but a little heavier on the loathing side - and can't escape due to a lack of cash - shiiitt. No thank you. I reallly, really don't think so.

 

Talking to him at work and he broke off to go and do some walking meditation - WALKING bloody meditation - such luxury there is in time to one's self - which started me thinking about women in the last century, and how the greatest blessing for a woman of mind and intelligence was to be barren, because otherwise all of her time would be taken up with bearing and taking care of children.

 

And I promptly shied away from even mentally placing myself in that position - but I'm not sure which one I was more afraid of - breeding so much that I have nothing left for me - or being barren and never really feeling like I reached a personal marker of having lived.

 

I feel - nebulous somehow. I feel like I'm coming to a turning point - I FEEL like something is about to come to pass and it's going to rock my world. And no, I'm not pregnant - but it just feels like that - like SOMETHING hanging over me, creeping in closer and closer. It's not necessarily a bad thing either - just a thing - a large interesting changing thing - and I can't wait for it to get here.

 

At least if I'm shaken I won't settle.

 

Squuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

So - I have a confession to make. I can be a bit of a crotchety old lady sometimes - esp. when it comes to changing something that I LIKE and didn't really plan on changing...like my cell phone. Yesterday, Ol' Crotchety (OC) was out in fulllllll effect.

C. has - suckass credit. I knew it before I married him (and it's actually milllioonnnsss of times better than it was when we first met), and I knew it would cause issues - but the lack of a PHONE was really blowing my mind. We don't have a landline as I was getting tired of being bent over by Ameritech. So - I had my lovely little Nokia, and he had a prepaid. *sighsighsigh* With all the work he has to do for the restaurant, and just his general business stuff - that phone was getting outlandishly expensive. So - we looked into a couple of plans, and figured that we could go with the Family Talk plan. I reallly do like cingular - they are head and shoulders above punkass AT&T, and Sprint *shakes head* I was in DC and couldn't hold a singal. DC! The nations CAPITAL! *shakes head* But - anyhow.... we go, and I find out (much to my horror) that I have to get a NEW cell phone. I like my celly. I have areally cute blue boxy cover on it, and it's just the right size, and - stuff. Add to that the fact that I'm cheap, Cheap, CHEAP - and well, you have the perfect environment for OC to come out of hiding.

I wandered around the store, moaning and groaning about the fact that I had to get a new phone and how all the phones were ugly and how I didn't wanna pay that much for a damn phone anyway and.... well, you get the idea. C was trying to top me by commenting on the fact that he had to get a new phone NUMBER - but well, OC is hard of hearing too. So - finally I settle on a siemens s56 phone - largely because it's a cute little bugger (LITTLE - I could tuck it in my bra and you'd have to be REALLLL close to notice - and while they are roomy - DAMN!) and secondly because it was only 40 bucks (after 50 buck mail in rebate). So - I'm whining the whhhooollleeee time - till I get home and started playing with it.

Ah! Ahhhhh! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!! This phone SOOOOO rocks. I mean - it rocks in ways I didn't even KNOW a phone could rock. I've got internet access, a shit load of memory, a COLOR screen, a voice recorder, and I can play all kinds of tunes for ringtones, and downloadable games and ahhhhhhhhhhhh............... it's SO fraking coool. It's kewl, even. I haven't been this distracted by a techy toy since I got my palm pilot. *sigh* It's a lovely little piece of machinery, it is. My only complaint is that the selection buttons are pointy, so while I'm reteaching myself to text (or SMS as they call it since it's an American version of a European phone - the s55) my thumb is gonna be sore. But seriously.... it rocks.

*shakes head* I don't believe I just wrote an entire entry about a phone. If it wasn't for my general supersition about wishing for excitement, I would wish for just a little excitement in my life. But - everytime I even think about it, I remember that old Chinese curse:

May you live in interesting times.

Really... no thanks.

'Us' Survey

1. How long have you been married? 1.5 months.

2. Where did you meet your husband? At a busstop downtown.

3. How old were you &  he when you met? I was 24, he was 26.

4. How long did you know him before you started dating him? about a month.

5. Where was your first date? We went to California Cafe for dinner (where I was first exposed to his chefly crtiqing skills), then walked along the canal for a couple of hours.

6. What was your first impression of him? Intelligent, funny, cute (though he was, and still is, high yalla!).

7. Did you kiss on your first date? Yes.

8. How long did you date before you got engaged? A little over a year.

9. Was his proposal unique? :) It was - us. He came home from work and called me in to 'talk', and making a big production out of it, proposed.

10. Did you help choose your own engagement ring? Help? *grins* Yeahhhh.... you can say I 'helped'.

11. Do you still have your original ring or have you "upgraded"? I still have the original stone, but changed the setting so that I could wear it with my wedding ring.

12. How long was your engagement? 3 years.

13. What color scheme was your wedding? Gold and Copper.

14. What is your fondest memory or favorite thing about your wedding? Fondest? :) When the minister TOTALLY screwed up saying work...repeatedly..

15. What one thing about your wedding still makes you cringe when you think about it? The fact that the flowers were LATE, and when they got there, they were wilted. *sigh*

16. What song did you dance to for the bridal dance? Since we didn't have an 'official' dance, I've no clue.

17. When you fed each other cake at the reception, did you do the smashing-cake-in-each-other's-face-thing? Nope! Cake went DIRECTLY into the mouth.

18. Did you have a honeymoon? No.....

19. Describe the first place you lived in together. Officially? My second apartment in Indy - before we got married. Afterwards - my *thinks* 3rd apartment in Indy - where we had been living in before the wedding too.

20. Before you married, did you discuss when you would start a family? Yes.

21. How many children do you want/have? He wants 2, I want 5...we'll have to figure out a compromise.

22. Use three words to describe your inlaws. Weird as hell.

23. Use three words to describe your husband: Wonderfully aggravatingly MINE.

24. In what ways are you not alike? He's more go with the flow, I have to plan. I'm anal about money, he's - not.

25. What things do you have in common? mostly everything.

26. What is the hardest lesson that being married has taught you? Sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do because it's best for the both of you.

27. If you had a chance to do it all again, what would you do differently? Nothing actually....maybe stay at a different hotel?

Trauma

A couple of weeks ago, somehow I got on the subject of circumcision with C. I think I just asked him whether or not he would want to circumsize his sons....and of course his answer was yes. I cringed - I couldn't help it - and started a discussion of why. I got the usual answers - 'so he'll look like me' - 'it's cleaner' - 'it's healthier'. And ya know - I can get with all that....but I can't get with putting my hypothetical son through more pain than he has ever experienced in his young life for a cosmetic choice. We parted - agreeing to disagree at this point in time.

I was reading an entry of Timmy's where he was talking about the regrowth of his 'fauxskin' and that put the bug up my bum to go and check out some circ sites. *deep breath*

I actively looked for 'balanced' sites - so that when I presented it to C. it wouldn't be some mad radical rantings. And - I thought that circumcision.org was a rather balanced site - it presented the times when circumcision is medically needed (which you can't determine until the kid is four or so) and the history of circumcision (didja know it became popular in the States as a way to stop boys from mastrabating?) and - pictures of an infant circumcision. I'm still slightly nauseated - and normally I'm totally cool with bloodish pictures. But - that? to a week old child? so he'll LOOK right? And potentially WITHOUT anesthesia since it came make the already tiny member swell to the point that the circ will be 'incomplete'?

So - I thought - okay - let's try to find some 'reliable' sites. The American Association of Pediatrics states that circumcision is NOT medically necessary, nor is there any proof that an uncircumsized man has a higher rate of catching STD's (circ'd or not - use a damn condom!), UTI's or penile cancer. And - the care of an infant uncir'ed is actually EASIER - because you don't have a open wound to deal with - nor do you have any risk on the kid getting infected from unire or feces in the open wound. The AAP was even kind enough to provide information on the care of an uncirc'd baby - you just wash it. You don't have to pull it back (in fact that is a BAD idea as it's still partially joined to the glans and you can cause tearing and bleeding by doing that) and you don't have to take any special care. Once the child is older - all he has to do is pull back the foreskin, wash under it with soap and water, and rinse. I don't have a dick - but damn that sounds easy. And the smega? Girls produce the SAME thing - and in slightly larger amounts - yet in the States we prosecute people who try to cut their daughters labia's off so they won't mastrabate and so they stay cleaner - instead, we teach our daughters how to wash their bits.

So far - I hadn't seen a single thing that said, or even suggested - you will do harm to your son if you don't get this done. In fact - so far everything I had seen and read suggested that you inflict more pain and do more harm by getting it done. But - people still do it - why? So - I went looking for some pro-circ sites. *sigh* Three were obviously jewish, and one *shudder* one was just a weeeeee bit fetishtic. Outside of religion (and arguements about cleanliness which the AAP squashed - and sometimes, yeah - I will listen to the good doc's) I didn't find a single pressing reason to put a infant through a 'minor surgical procedure' in the first week of his life so that his ding-dong would look right. Hell - they even wait longer than that for children who were born with FACIAL defects.

So - I'm not sure when, but at some point I'm going to sit down with C and go through these websites - I'll save the pictures for last. I'm not sure what I would do if one we had a son he would still want him circumsized - I'm not sure how far I would go to protect my child. I know that I would make sure that he watched the procedure to see exactly what he is putting his son through for cosmetics, and I think I would cry. Yeah, I would definitely cry. Before I saw the pictures I cringed at the thought of doing it - afterwards - I think I'd be sobbing knowing that the child I cherished, nourished, and protected inside of me for nine (ten really) months was going through that kind of pain for NO GOOD REASON. I'd be traumatized.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho....

Tommorow is our ONE MONTH anniversary. *giggles* Can ya believe it? I - we - will have been married for a month. *grins* That rocks in so many different ways I can't even BEGIN to explain it. Everyone keeps asking me 'So, how's married life??' and the FIRST response that come into my head is 'Well, if we hadn't been shacking up already it might be a bigger difference - but as it is....it's pretty much the same.'  *grins* but I mange to condense that smart assedness into a quick shrug and a muttered 'Bout the same....'

 

The differences I have noticed aren't really things that I was expecting  - things that I never thought I would consider doing. For instnace, looking back on it, I'm not sure what kinda smoke I was inhaling while I was arguing that we should have separate bank accounts. If he gives me HALF a chance, I'm going to start paying all his bills for him, and we might as well kitty our money as we're GOING to spend it, one way or another. Of course, I can imangine all sorts of screaming matches over who spent what and dear god why (mainly from me to C, as he is the money dunce) but - *grins* it still makes more sense. I even offered to let me drive MY car. Every day. for an 80 mile roundtrip drive to work and back - since his car is a wee bit under the weather. *grins* I'm not sure who was more suprised - me for considering it, or him for hearing me offer it. So - the whole married life thing is cool - I really FEEL like we are partners now - more than I ever did before...and that feeling akes me feel even better about waiting for kids. I want us to be a rock solid unit before we bring another entity into our lives. I want us to always have that special - connection - to each other that was there before the kids - will sustain us and keep us together through the kids, and then that will let us glide into our older years together without the kids. We - me &  c - will always be the base of the family - and I want that base to be rock solid.

---

 

 

What else? C starts his new job today! YAAAYY!!! BOOOO!!!! I'm happy about it - more money, more quiet time for me in the house, a job that he's thriled about, but I'm sad too because I REALLY enjoyed our last month together - to have him home and awake every night when I got in - it was SO wonderful. To actually have time to intereact with each other while we are both FULLY awake EVERY night of the week is a treat that I don't think we've ever had consistently - and definitely never this long - and the fact that we weren't worried about money made it so much easier too. So - I'm going to miss him. I'm certainly not going to be able to stay awake late enough every night to do anything more than smile sleepily at him and get a kiss before I'm off to bed. *sigh* Well, at least we'll always have Sundays.

 

Still working on the book with X. *sigh* I soooo do want to strangle the boy sometimes. I'll give it to him, he's a greater writer, and has a deeper connection to the arts than I do. I, however, know more off the top of my head about how to set up a  REALISTIC fantasy/sci-fi world than he could learn in a month of watching Sci-Fi Channel - and he's being very snide about the fact. *shrugs* I've forced him to back up, and for us to create the world first, before we create the characters that are going to inhabit the world - which is s tep he's never one as he normally writes in the 'real' world - whereas I NEVER write in the real world. This is truly going to be an exercise in communication.

 

I think that's all for right now.

Weekending....

Well... I'm legally Mrs. C now. I wanted to keep my maiden name and shift it my middle name and still keep my middle name, but apperantly that's asking a bit much of a marriage license so I'd have to go through the courts to get it legally changed, and as attached as I am to my name, I reaaallllllyyyy don't have 210.00 to spend to keep it.  *le sigh* So. yeah. But - my social security card has it on there, as apparently you can call yourself anything you damn well please there. So - maybe when I move to another state and get a new license I might be able to pull it off then? *le sigh*

 

What else? I'm going to start the Master Cleanser fast Monday. Me & C are going to have one last big blowout this weekend, and then it's a ten day 'drink' fast. I'm doing it more for the cleansing properties than for the weight reducing properties, as I feel - icky internally. Just - dirty. :) So - this will be an interesting two weeks. Once I'm done, I'm going to jump right back into proper clean Atkins, again.

 

C. got a job! He starts Tuesday as a chef at Indy's snootiest resturant. *claps* The guy that he was talking to about opening a restaurant doesn't know shit about how to open one, expects to open in two months, and hasn't even REASEARCHED what it takes to open a SUCCESSFUL place. He's opened two clubs - but a club is just a big empty room with a sound system - a resturant is a whole nother barrell of bricks, so we both have very skeptical feelings about this. The guy didn't plan on hiring anyone until 3 weeks before opening, and C is starting to back away from what we think is going to be an 'open for three months' kind of scenario. Of course - the good job that he is going to start Tuesday presents a wee bit of a - dilemna when faced with the possibility of moving away from the area in 9 months, but that bridge will be there for us to cross...later.

Randomosity

Okay - if I had any sense I would have taken Thursday and Friday off too - I was so out of 'step' with everything - totally not ready to just slide back into the 'normal' life I had stepped out of for a few days. Today though, I feel more back to normal. Almost. :)

 

This weekend was wonderful - I did nothing but sleep and putter around the house. I think I might have touched the computer about twice - and of course none of it was long enough to start playing with the pictures. Hah! That's going to take a couple of weeks, I know. We got legally married on the 2nd - so that's going to be our 'official' wedding anniversary. Gah! I so don't feel like changing my name - but I know I will. Am.

 

Work is - workly. I got a raise (WHOOHOO!!) which I'm not sure what I'm going to do with - I could either pay more bills ( the usual answer) save it (the secondary answer) spend it (highly unlikely) or put it towards my 401K (good money after bad?) or - open an investment account of my own (better off as a candle lighter?). Still no promotion (bitches) but my boss said that we re going to start working that 'pipeline'. *sigh* I would like at least ONE promotion by the time I leave.

 

I realize how much I freaking MISS my friends though - I had a absolutely WONDERFUL time being back in the old stompling grounds with them. *sigh* I really need to make some friends here - girlys (and guythings) that I can hang out with.

 

Bleh. I'm roughly wasting time until my coworkers get back from a meeting so that we can go to lunch. I'm back on Atkins as of today - I can feel the weight on me now, and I want it OFF, OFF, OFF!!! Bleh.

 

I'm kinda tossing around the thought of entering the LaneBryant Modeling contest - the only thing that is holding me back is the fact that you HAVE to be at least a full 14 - and eh. I'm not sure if I WANT encouragement to not lose any more weight. As I was driving in to work today I realized that another 60 pounds is what I would like to lose - and that I really shouldn't be putting it off - I know me. But then of course - I might be TRYING to lose weight, and not lose any, and I'd miss out on at least a CHANCE for something really interesting. I think I'll enter, and if  I actually end up in the running at all - then I can fret about being too skinny. HAH!

 

Okay. I'm thinking thats all for now. Blah!