Monday, February 27, 2006

Honestly.....

There's a saying - something about fearing your own light?


 




 


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.


 




 


I'll be sitting here, and reading something online (as I tend to do for most of the day) and my heart will go 'squish' and my palms will get sweaty, and my eyes will get that 'almost-maybe-kinda-wanna-cry' feeling, and I have to take deep breaths and find an inspirational song just to keep going.


And it really sucks, because beyond every reason that I ever give for not standing up, sweeping all my tchoktes into a box, and dropping off my ID as I walk past my notbosses' desk is fear. Not fear of not being able to pay my bills. Not fear of getting evicted. Not fear of not having high-speed cable (the horror!). But a deep, gut centered fear of failure. A fear of actually standing up and claiming that I am grownup, and I am able, and I am tenacious, and I am free of any expectations besides those I place on myself. Nothing is scarier to me than disappointment. Nothing breaks my heart faster than me disappointing others, or others disappointing me. And the thought - the very idea that I might truly fail and disappoint myself - is painful - and terrifying.


I have a hard time believing in myself. I have - doubts. I fear that the light I think I have is just a lie that I've told myself for so many years that I've forgotten what the truth is. And I'm utterly and completely terrified that I'll try to stand and walk my own path, and I'll fail royally, and I'll never even be ABLE to work up the nerve to try again - and then what will I do?


But at the same time, the thought that I might never be a mother/midwife/writer is so foreign to everything that I ever thought I was and could and can be - it's - terrfiying. But - the thought that I might not be who I should be is still less scary than the thought of trying to be what I should be - and failing.


Am I really willing to passively give away my spirit because of my fear rather than potentially throwing away the material aspect of my life in a big noble gesture of hope and determination?


No. and, Yes - if we are still being honest. I'm not - ready. Really, I'm not. And what scares me even more is that I don't know if I'll ever develop the bravery to be ready. And - that disappoints me.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Oh, Yeah, you know this is trouble!!










ColorQuiz.com




A'ishah's Existing Situation
Volatile and outgoing. Needs to feel that events are developing along desired lines, otherwise irritation can lead to changeability or superficial activities.


A'ishah's Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.


A'ishah's Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she wants.
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to her.
Circumstances force her to compromise and to forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical satisfaction through sexual activity.



A'ishah's Desired Objective
Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging.

 


A'ishah's Actual Problem(s)
Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants.
Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.


 




 


Hah! I love the colorquiz - it's pretty much on point. Creepy, yes. Accurate, yes. Let's see what other quizzes I can find.  Ohhhh... I should do some tarot.


 




 


Question: What should I do?
Deck: The Catpeople
Spread: The One Card spread is the most concise of all spreads, intended to provide a quick take on a situation, or to reduce it to a single point of meditation.


Results: The card represents the critical factor for the issue at hand. The Tower, when reversed: Continued oppression. Following old ways. Living in a rut. Inability to effect any worthwhile change. Entrapment in an unhappy situation. Imprisonment.


 




 


Hmmm....interesting. I think I'll ask 1) a more specific question and 2) select a more detailed spread.


Question: What path leads out of this rut?
Deck: Voodoo Tarot of New Orleans
Spread: The Two Paths spread provides insight into an important decision ahead of you, the possible outcomes, and the forces that draw you towards each of these outcomes.


Results: 





























Click for Details The top left card represents the first possible outcome. Marie Laveau (The High Priestess), when reversed: Being confused and led astray from the true path. Spiritual deception. Overzealous and shallow-minded pursuit of the esoteric. Insecurity, conceit and self-destructiveness. The forces of nature unleashed.
Click for Details The top right card represents the second possible outcome. The Market (The Wheel): The path of destiny. Karma on a grand scale. An unexpected turn of good fortune. A link in the chain of events. Success, luck, and happiness.
Click for Details The middle left card represents the force drawing you towards the first possible outcome. Petro Mambo (Queen of Wands), when reversed: The dark essence of fire behaving as water, such as steam: The natural embodiment of passion and sensuality, who will do anything to the be the center of attention. A seducer who calculatingly dons the guise of what others desire. A cocky and domineering person, who pushes anyone or anything aside to get what she wants. One who is vengeful and quick to take offense without good cause. May indicate infidelity and contempt for a relationship.
Click for Details The middle right card represents the force drawing you towards the second possible outcome. Shango (Eight of Discs): Dedicating yourself fully to a task. Learning a new craft or skill. Applying painstaking attention to detail. Industriousness and the efficient completion of tasks. Sticking with a project long enough to see it through.
Click for Details The bottom card represents the critical factor that decides what will come to pass. Ayida Wedo (Ace of Cups), when reversed: The seed of a destructive relationship or spiritual collapse. A missed opportunity for joy, contentment, fertility, or enlightenment. Failing to understand the emotional needs of those around you. May represent an unexpected message, a chance meeting, or the start of a friendship or romance.





 


Hmm... even more interesting.  I want to ask the same question, same deck, different spread.


Question: What path leads out of this rut?
Deck: Voodoo Tarot of New Orleans
Spread: The Shadow Truth spread provides insight into your attitudes and hidden feelings. This spread is used when you are having trouble confronting something, or fear that you are concealing something from yourself.


Results: 



























Click for Details The card in the center represents the attitude you assume. Simbi (Eight of Swords): Chagrin at the unforeseen consequences of prior decisions. Criticism, censure, and the imposition of external restrictions. Confusion leading to powerlessness. Inability to focus on the crux of a problem and free oneself from a difficult situation. Being hamstrung by a past failure or humiliation.
Click for Details The card to the right represents the thoughts and feelings that underly your attitudes. Obatala (Four of Discs), when reversed: Using your power freely for your own enjoyment and the betterment of others. Coming to grips with progress and using your position to help it along. Finding security and identity someplace other than in the possession of material things. Letting go and encouraging others to find their own path. Being magnanimous and generous with your success.
Click for Details The card at the top represents how your attitude is evolving and will evolve in the future. Courir Le Mardi Gras (The Devil), when reversed: Resistance of temptation. Freedom from bondage. The pursuit of higher goals despite the influence of luxury and pleasure. Release from obsession with money and power. Liberation from fear, weakness and indecision through communion with higher powers or the inner voice.
Click for Details The card to the left represents how others perceive your attitude. La Sirene (Seven of Cups): Daydreams and things seen in the glass of contemplation. The scattering of energies by strong desires and unrealistic goals. The pursuit of illusions and the dissipation of energy on false choices. Intoxication, delirium, and hallucination, leading to the negation of effort. Under rare and extreme circumstances, may indicate the revelation of transcendental spiritual truth.
Click for Details The card at the bottom represents what you cannot confront or are hiding from yourself. Couche (The Hermit), when reversed: Detachment based on fear, irresponsibility or naiveté. Self-imposed isolation from friends and loved ones. Listening to the wrong advice or ignoring good counsel. Concealment, disguise, and unreasoned caution.






 


*laughs* If the cards could hum, they'd be humming "Youse a ho!!! Youse a ho!!"


I actually like that deck though - it's a new one on that site, and it's actually rather attractive. I've always wanted to learn the cards, but - well. I have a deck at home, but I was rather horrified when I learned that it was the deck used in a James Bond movie - Live & Let Die, I think it was. Since then, I haven't been able to even look at the deck, much less even try to use it. I wonder how much it costs? Hmm... 23 bucks for just the deck and a basic booklet,  38 dollars for the deck and a more detailed booklet. Hm. Maybe. I'll have to sleep on it.


Innnnnteresting.

So. My boss quit. Yeah, her hubby got a good job in another city, and thus she is upping and leaving.


This is my jealous face.


What else? The weather is warming up, but I'm treating Mother Nature like the wanton tease that she is, and I'm not paying it ANY attention. Last year I think it was, one of my favorites wrote this WONDERFUL entry about Spring and Summer as if they were sisters. Fully Caffienated, maybe? I might go and rummage about her OD and see if I can find it. It was HILARIOUS.


Edit: I rummaged, but I couldn't find the one I'm thinking of - the only one I could find was this one: Coaxing Spring out of Bed. I'll have to leave her a note and see if she wrote another one.


I might actually have an assignment at work soon! Just - imagine! Something that takes all of my time to do. I really don't wanna sound *thinks* boastful - but I realize that I a large part of my problems with work are quite simply that I'm overqualified for what I'm doing. I could be doing SO much more STUFF - but that stuff just isn't part of this project. Or - at least not part of the part of the project that I'm on. So - I have to demonstrate some of that 'patience' stuff, and simply excel in whatever is given to me - no matter how dull and repetitive and just downright EASY it is.


I really should be working on my short story - but I still haven't figured out how to make it all tricksy like I want it to be. It's about an elf without power trying to get back at her evil, rude, uncouth ass boss - without losing her job. *shakes fist at Dallandrah* And I actually need to FINISH this one.


Lunch today was fabulous, I went out and brought four new books (with the money I had leftover from C's bday gift), three of which are the last three in the series I've been reading for like the past two weeks. The fourth one was the lastest Anita Blake book - I'm kinda upset at Laurel Hamilton though, because she knew damn well that it was a novella, but they are selling it as a full length novel. I'm sorry, but anytime there is an ENTIRE blank page (both sides) between each CHAPTER - you're padding the thickness of the book. And the book ain't even that danggone thick anyhow. *sigh* She's getting more into the sex and less into the gore, and I might have to just let this series go. Her later books have been written lazier and lazier.  


The Saga of Recluse though (that's the series I'm working my way through) it's like - 13 books? 11 books? some outrageous number like that - and they are really good. Next time I read the series, I'm actually going to read them in chronological order rather than published order - I think that will be even more fun.


Hah! This entry burned through about 45 minutes. Let's see what else I can get into to waste a lil time. ;)

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Peaceful....

I'm actually - peaceful.

Right here, at this second, I'm not exactly comfortable. My booty hurts from sitting on the chair unevenly, and I think my foot is falling asleep, and my nose realllly itches.

But - I'm warm. I'm at home. I'm smelling the Black Nag inscense and spicy onion and garlic from C's dinner. I'm seeing G strolling back and forth from his bowl to his bed - and I hear his bell jingling. I still miss Nikki - but I can actually finally imagine bringing another kitty home. I'm listening to IronChef:America and C's spoon clinking against the bowl his dinner is in. I'm wearing what may very well be the most comfortable - and cute - outfit on the face of the earth, even though the undies DO keep trying to give me a wedgie. It's a little after seven, and I haven't eaten dinner yet - but I'm sipping on some delectably unholy alcoholic concoction of C's.

I'm at HOME. This is where my heart is, where my love is, where my energy belongs. It's not a perfect home - I still haven't really settled into a marriage, and he hasn't really grown up yet. It's amazingly dusty - and we aren't even going to talk about the situation with my closet. But it's HOME.

And I'm quietly, delightfully, wonderfully happy here.

Maybe I'm slightly agrophobic. The concept of being housebound is - completely and impossibly foreign to me. There are some people who actually can't STAND being at home? Just because they have been in the house all weekend?  Oh. Wow.  I - I honestly think that I could go for MONTHS without stepping foot out of my house unless I HAD to. And - I'm talking about a world where EVERYONE is online  (from the bookstore to the grocery store) and they all deliver. *swoons* Oh. My. God. Seriously ya'll, I could be a hermit. And let me be in my perfect house?  The one with the huge garden and the Victorian style interior? With a study and a office and a library and a music room and a creepy attic and a huge kitchen and fireplaces in every room? And a porch? And a hot tub? And a pool and an exercise room and definitely a video/game/computer room? I would invite everyone in the world to come and vist me - oh! and at least 3 guest bedrooms! - and we would have wonderful parties and massages and sit in the garden and smell the breeze and watch the babies and pick the weeds and laugh and knit and stitch and throw love parties all over the neighborhood.

Gah. I'm SUCH a hippie.

Maybe I should just move out to the Farm one of these days.

But right now, I'm so right - balanced, peaceful, loved, calm - I can't imagine ever wanting to be anywhere else.

Sore booty and all.

Monday, February 20, 2006

PeacePatiencePersistence

I think I've pinpointed what's made me Ms.Little-Sour-Puss for the last few days - it's winter! Okay, that might not make much sense, considering it's what - February - but it's just started to get really cold and wintery. And me no likey cold and wintery. I get - grumpy. Hunched all in on myself, scowling at the whole worthless world. It clicked Thurday, I think it was, as I was driving home from work, merrily singing to myself. I was like - wow! I'm in an exceptionally good mood - and I realized it was because the weather was WARM. It felt like spring, and that made me happy. Of course, then the white crap had to grace us with it's presense, which made my determination to stay firmly locked up in the house all weekend EVER so much easier.


*glares at the outdoors*


Nasty, Nasty, Nasty stuff.


Some - person - in Nebraska won my PowerBall jackpot - damn him, her or them, as the case may be. But, patience. One of the virtues that I've never much cottoned to. *deep breaths*


I haen't been writing much, largely because I get sick of hearing myself whinge. Stop it! And it seems once I start writing, I only write about the things I'd like to complain about. Maybe it's because I don't complain anywhere else, but here. Really, I don't. If C does something that drives me batty (which he does, despite how little I really talk about him around here) we deal with it, muy pronto. Or, I get over it. But I don't complain. Other than that - life is really good. I'm healthy, I've got a lovely well paying job, the weather hasn't been half bad - I think I'm going to blame OD. When I come here, suddenly, the glass is half empty again.


Sometimes, I wish I was the praying type.  Not because I really think it would make a difference, just because I assume it makes you feel better to pray about things that you cannot change. Kinda dumping it in 'Father's' lap, but at least it's off of yours. And see, I don't believe that it would be shifting anywhere - not off of my lap, not onto anyone elses - just - left there, like the elephant in the corner that everyone else is supposed to clean up after.


*sigh*


At least my elephants are mine.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Post-It Butterflies

Sometimes - no, scrap that, Most of the times, I feel like there is so damn much that I WANT to be able to do, and just not quite enough time in a day to do it.  Or - maybe more importantly than time - there's just not quite enough energy in me to do it all in a day - or, not even a day, but I don't have the strength required to balance too many more balls than I am balancing right now. Sometimes I'll get little surges of energy and scoop up something new to my plate, but I've learned to keep an eye on those urges, and be sure that whatever I was about to scoop up, I will actually still be able - and willing - to juggle once that surge of energy fades. 


*sighs* I feel like I have a trail of mental post-its following me with little subjects on it of all the things I want to do and just haven't.  Like DAMMIT! I still haven't ordered any seeds for my garden this year.


*shakes head* And if I think about it, I'll jsut get frustrated and start hating my job even more (this is SO not the joyful returning of my gifts to the community) so instead, I'll wrap this up, and despite it being only 4:48, and I didn't get here til 9am, I'm heading out into the fresh freakishly warm air, and sigh.


 

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Cupid can kiss my.........

Let's just start this off by saying three things.


1) I'm hopelessly curious.
2) I like knowing as close to the truth as I can about common things
3) I think Valentines Day is the unholy capitalistic child of DeBeers, Russell Stover, and Hallmark.




 


Saint Valentine (or Saint Valentinus) refers to one of at least three martyred saints of ancient Rome. The feast of Saint Valentine was formerly celebrated on February 14 by the Roman Catholic Church until the revised calendar 1969.


The feast of St. Valentine was first decreed in 496 by Pope Gelasius I, who included Valentine— and Saint George— among those "...whose names are justly reverenced among men, but whose acts are known only to God." The creation of the feast for such dimly conceived figures may have been an attempt to supersede the pagan holiday of Lupercalia that was still being celebrated in 5th century Rome, on February 15.




 


The Lupercalia was an annual Roman festival held on February 15 to honour Faunus, god of fertility and forests. Justin Martyr identified Faunus as Lupercus, 'the one who wards off the wolf', but his identification is not supported by any earlier classical sources. The festival was celebrated near the cave of Lupercal on the Palatine (one of the seven Roman hills), to expiate and purify new life in the Spring. This festival's origins are older than the founding of Rome.


The religious ceremonies were directed by the Luperci, the "brothers of the wolf", priests of Faunus, dressed only in a goatskin. During Lupercalia, a dog and two male goats were sacrificed. Two patrician youths were anointed with the blood, which was wiped off with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh. The Luperci afterwards dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats, in imitation of Lupercus, and ran round the Palatine Hill with straps, cut from the skins, in their hands. These were called Februa. Girls would line up on their route to receive lashes from these whips. (Ohhh, kinky!!)  This was supposed to ensure fertility.



 



As Gelasius implied, nothing is known about the lives of any of these martyrs, however. Many of the current legends surrounding them were invented in the late Middle Ages in France and England, when the feast day of February 14 became associated with romantic love. No such sentiment appears in the Golden Legend of Jacobus de Voragine, compiled about 1260 and one of the most-read books of the High Middle Ages. The Legenda Aurea gives sufficient details of the saints and for each day of the liturgical year to inspire a homily on the occasion. The very brief vita of St Valentine, has him refusing to deny Christ before the "Emperor Claudius" in the year 280. Before his head was struck off, this Valentine restored sight and hearing to the daughter of his jailer. Jacobus makes a play with the etymology of "Valentine," "as containing valour", but there is nothing of hearts and last notes signed "from your Valentine," as is sometimes suggested in modern works of sentimental piety.
The historical 2nd-century bishop Valentinus (died ca 153) is not venerated on any day of the Roman Catholic calendar, for his teachings were declared heretical and his works suppressed. Valentinus or Valentinius was the best known and for a time the most successful Christian Gnostic theologian, and a charismatic though divisive figure. Bands of his followers could still be found in the 5th century, when a more acceptable Valentinus was recollected and canonized.



 


*laughs* Interesting. Yet another pagan holiday that was 'overwritten' by the Roman Catholic Church and has now been warped into something neither the pagans nor the church fathers would recognize. Maybe it's a logical progression. First the Pagans, then the Catholics, then the Corporations. It happened with Christmas - I'm so not going to get into how amusingly pagan THAT holiday is. The Corporations haven't fully taken over Easter - another giggle worthy previously Pagan celebration - yet, most likely because they haven't figured out how to really PUMP the kids marketing tactics, but give em time - look at how many centuries it took for Valentines Day to really get going.....


Friday, February 10, 2006

More about Food....

So, like I said before, we are back on the low-carb wagon, and it's been interesting, because we've been off it for a while. One of the things that I LOVE about lowcarbing it is that it FORCES you to explore new foods and new ways of eating old foods. For a person who loves food, it's - so damn cool, basically.


The funny part is - we've forgotten a lot of that stuff, and as we go along, we are starting to remember it again. I've had to make a list of stuff that we need to buy next time we go grocery shopping that is PERFECT for us, but we just forgot about. I figure I'll stash the list here (so I can update it from work or from home).


Out of The Ordinary LC Foods
1) Spaghetti squash (not super un-ordinary, we just didn't buy any)
2) Miso Soup (ummmmm, yuuummm)

Ag-o-ny

All day, my back has felt like someone has taken a piece of barbed wire, shined it up reeeallllll nice, and wrapped it around my spine right above my ass.  My back hurts, my legs hurt, my ass hurts - everything hurts EXCEPT for my bloody abdomen, which is where the guilty party for this pain resides.
I really don't know what's been going on lately (TMI coming up) but my last couple of cycles have been INSANE. Normally, I start spotting one day, and then the next I'll get a few cramps, and my flow starts. It last for about 4-5 days, and then just stops. One day of cramps, one 'warning' day of spooting. Lately though - oh, no, no, no. I'll see spots, and two hours later it's Victoria Falls. I'm - uncomfortable - from day one until day four, and because I refuse to take analgesics for it (I'll explain that later)  it's just - very, very uncomfortable. And heavy. And clotty.  *sighs* I thought things were supposed to get easier AFTER the danggone IUD was taken out.


Okay - the no pain medicine thing. I learned this a while ago, and it made such sense to me, that unless the pain is REALLY bad - I mean, eyes watering, nasuea, headswimming bad (like it was today) - I won't take anything for cramps.  Most analgesics work by interfering with the production of the hormones that causes cramps (and I can't remember the right spelling - prosomethingorother) rather than just blocking your awareness of the pain. The problem when it comes to cramps is that the reason you HAVE cramps is because your uterus is trying to expel clots formed from the lining that didn't quite liquify - so it's a much, much weaker, less focused version of contractions.  So - if you take something to stop the cramps, those clots MIGHT not come out.  And - they might just kinda decay and disintergrate inside your uterus. And that just sounds really nasty to me. So I rarely, if ever, take drugs for the cramps.


Today though, my damn back hurt so bad, I popped two of those badboys about 15 minutes after getting to work and realizing that there was no way in hell I would be able to focus throughout the rest of the day. And my back STILL hurts. It's better than it was at first, but - holy shit.


Ummm........I guess that's enough whinging for now.  I'm sleepy, I have a meeting at 1, it's supposed to snow (which I refuse to believe until I see the white stuff falling) and I really just wanna go home. Bastards. When the hell am I going to hit Powerball so I don't have to deal with this anymore?


Oops. I said that was ENOUGH whinging, not to start whinging on another subject.


Dammit.

Thursday, February 9, 2006

Breakfast Studies....

So - I went out, and searched on 'weight loss breakfast study' and the results are MOST interesting. For the studies/articles that were fully listed online, I've provided links. My commentary on the studies and how they relate to me follows.  

 





 http://www.obesityresearch.org/cgi/content/full/10/2/78


Objective: To examine breakfast consumption in subjects maintaining a weight loss in the National Weight Control Registry (NWCR).
Research Methods and Procedures: A cross-sectional study in which 2959 subjects in the NWCR completed demographic and weight history questionnaires as well as questions about their current breakfast consumption. All subjects had maintained a weight loss of at least 13.6 kg (30 lb) for at least 1 year; on average these subjects had lost 32 kg and kept it off for 6 years.
Results: A large proportion of NWCR subjects (2313 or 78%) reported regularly eating breakfast every day of the week. Only 114 subjects (4%) reported never eating breakfast. There was no difference in reported energy intake between breakfast eaters and non-eaters, but breakfast eaters reported slightly more physical activity than non-breakfast eaters (p = 0.05).
Discussion: Eating breakfast is a characteristic common to successful weight loss maintainers and may be a factor in their success


My Comments: The main thing I pulled from this one is that people who tend to expend more energy, tended to eat breakfast. Which makes sense, because I know that when I'm lifting, I usually NEED something in the morning, because I'll wake up hungry. I also noticed that the abstract finished off just saying that breakfast MAY be a factor in keeping the weight off. I'm thinking the physical activity helped more than breakfast did.


 




 


http://www.nutrition.org/cgi/content/full/127/1/75


The purpose of this study was to determine whether meal ingestion pattern [large morning meals (AM) vs. large evening meals (PM)] affects changes in body weight, body composition or energy utilization during weight loss. Ten women completed a metabolic ward study of 3-wk weight stabilization followed by 12 wk of weight loss with a moderately energy restricted diet [mean energy intake ± SD  = 107 ± 6 kJ/(kg·d)] and regular exercise. The weight loss phase was divided into two 6-wk periods. During period 1, 70% of daily energy intake was taken as two meals in the AM (n = 4) or in the PM (n = 6). Subjects crossed over to the alternate meal time in period 2. Both weight loss and fat-free mass loss were greater with the AM than the PM meal pattern: 3.90 ± 0.19 vs. 3.27 ± 0.26 kg/6 wk, P < 0.05, and 1.28 ± 0.14 vs. 0.25 ± 0.16 kg/6 wk, P < 0.001, respectively. Change in fat mass and loss of body energy were affected by order of meal pattern ingestion. The PM pattern resulted in greater loss of fat mass in period 1 (P < 0.01) but not in period 2. Likewise, resting mid-afternoon fat oxidation rate was higher with the PM pattern in period 1 (P < 0.05) but not in period 2, corresponding with the fat mass changes. To conclude, ingestion of larger AM meals resulted in slightly greater weight loss, but ingestion of larger PM meals resulted in better maintenance of fat-free mass. Thus, incorporation of larger PM meals in a weight loss regimen may be important in minimizing the loss of fat-free mass.


My Comments: This one I found very interesting. Basically,  stacking your calories towards the beginning of the day causes you to lose weight faster - but you are also losing muscle mass. However, by stacking your calories towards the END of the day, you lose weight slower - but you preserve more muscle. Personally, I'd rather take my time, eat late, and keep that fat burning muscle around.


 




 


2: American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. 1992 Mar;55(3):645-51.
The role of breakfast in the treatment of obesity: a randomized clinical trial.
Schlundt DG, Hill JO, Sbrocco T, Pope-Cordle J, Sharp T.
Department of Psychology, Vanderbilt University, Nashville, TN 37240.
Fifty-two moderately obese adult women were stratified according to their
baseline breakfast-eating habits and randomly assigned a weight-loss program.
The no-breakfast group ate two meals per day and the breakfast group ate three
meals per day. The energy content of the two weight-loss programs was identical.
After the 12-wk treatment, baseline breakfast eaters lost 8.9 kg in the
no-breakfast treatment and 6.2 kg in the breakfast treatment. Baseline breakfast
skippers lost 7.7 kg in the breakfast treatment and 6.0 kg in the no-breakfast
treatment. This treatment-by-strata-by-time interaction effect (P less than
0.06) suggests that those who had to make the most substantial changes in eating
habits to comply with the program achieved better results. Analyses of
behavioral data suggested that eating breakfast helped reduce dietary fat and
minimize impulsive snacking and therefore may be an important part of a
weight-reduction program.
Publication Types:
    Clinical Trial
    Randomized Controlled Trial
PMID: 1550038 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]


My Comments: This comment here just about says it all: "Analyses of behavioral data suggested that eating breakfast helped reduce dietary fat and minimize impulsive snacking and therefore may be an important part of a weight-reduction program." So - it's not really eating breakfast that makes a difference, it's making GOOD food choices all day long that makes the difference.


 




 


 http://www.mealsmatter.org/EatingForHealth/Topics/article.aspx?articleId=5


(quoting sections of the article)


When you skip breakfast, your metabolic rate slows down and your blood sugar drops. As a result, you become hungry and have less energy. This sets you up to impulsively snack in the morning - often on high-fat sweets - or to eat extra servings or bigger portions at lunch or dinner. When you eat breakfast, your body feels nourished and satisfied, making you less likely to overeat the rest of the day.

 

My Comments: Once again, this article is focusing on the 'fact' that eating breakfast prevents you from getting so hungry that you run to the vending machine at 10am and grab the first thing that looks good due to HUNGER. Or you eat your lunch and your coworkers lunch, and STILL grab something out of the vending machine.  If, let's say - you aren't starving YOURSELF - you aren't going to run for the vending machine or eat a huge lunch - breakfast or not.  

 



 


 

(quoting sections of the article)

 

Does it matter? Do we really need that meal in the morning?

Some current research suggests that yes, we do.
• A recent study of 16,452 American adults, reported in Harvard Men's Health Watch, a medical school newsletter, found that skipping breakfast wasn't a good way to manage weight. Those who ate a healthful breakfast tended to be leaner than breakfast skippers.
• A 2002 study of people in the National Weight Control Registry, a group of more than 3,000 people who have lost at least 30 pounds and kept the weight off for at least a year, showed that those who had maintained long-term weight loss were usually breakfast eaters, and the researchers concluded it may have been a factor in their success.
• In another study, reported on the popular health Web site WebMD, scientists found that women who skipped breakfast ate more during the rest of the day and had higher levels of LDL, or bad, cholesterol.

But it's also worth noting that the funding for the first study (and many others) was provided by the Kellogg Co., one of the world's leading producers of breakfast cereal, so perhaps it's not surprising the researchers stressed that eating ready-to-eat cereal is a good thing.
In the second study, the scientists found that eating breakfast was a characteristic common to many of the successful weight-loss maintainers but did not conclude that it caused their success.
As for the last study, it involved only 10 women who skipped breakfast for two weeks. Earlier research on the effects of omitting breakfast using overweight subjects had been inconclusive, according to WebMD.
Breakfast, says Bonnie Liebman, director of nutrition at the Center for Science in the Public Interest, is a non-issue for healthy adults.

 

My Comments: Oh, this article had me snickering. Especially considering I HAD noticed that a lot of the surveys mentioned starting your day with a 'fiber-rich cereal like Z, Y, or X blahblahblah'. Yup, most of these breakfast studies are funded by the very people trying to SELL breakfast. How sneaky is that? How much credibility can these studies REALLY have - especially considering not ONE of them came out and baldly stated that either a) Breakfast (in and of itself) HELPS you lose weight. nor b) That breakfast - in and of itself - keeps your metabolism going. But then - I didn't include metabolism as one of my search words.... let me see what I can dig up if I do that.

 



 


 

(quoting from the article)

 


"We think it kick-starts your metabolism because you've eaten something," Barton said. "When you get to lunch you're not starving and you can make reasonable choices for lunch and dinner."


John Kirwan, a professor of medicine at Case Western Reserve University's Schwartz Center for Nutrition and Metabolism, said the findings may be "more reflective of overall eating habits and quality of food consumed."


"Those who eat breakfast on a regular basis are more likely to have a structured eating plan throughout the day and consequently are less likely to snack between meals and consume empty calories," said Kirwan, who has studied the effect of breakfast consumption on exercise performance and was not involved in the study.


My Comments: This is actually one of those 'cereal' studies, which proved that teenage girls who ate cereal in the morning tended to be slimmer than those who did not. But once again - even the study author (Barton) said that they THINK it kick-starts the metabolism, but they were SURE that it helped the study participants make better food choices through out the day - which may or may not really have anything to do with eating breakfast.


 




 


Overall, I got one main point from all of these studies, which quite simply is:
Eating breakfast helps you make better meal choices during the rest of the day. Now, if you are already making GOOD meal choices, you aren't eating empty calories or randomly snacking, and you aren't hungry - what's the point of eating breakfast again? There's not ONE study that I could find that conclusively proves that breakfast 'kickstarts' your metabolism.
And then - there's the blood suger bit. I don't do hunger, and I don't do low blood sugar. I get REALLY ugly headaches when my blood sugar drops, and I just don't LIKE being hungry. It's a nasty, nasty feeling.
I'm wondering, if the fact that I tend to eat within 3 hours of going to bed, instead of stopping eating 4-5 hours before I go to sleep, makes a difference? I wonder, how much of the food I ate the night before is still getting the calories and nutrients sucked out of it in my digestive system once I wake up. The digestive system goes to sleep when you do - so maybe that's why I'm not hungry early in the morn - my body still has food to process.


Interesting, interesting, interesting. I LOVE looking at studies for stuff that people consider to be 'givens'. The articles that focus on the abstracts usually don't outline the full span - or the full results of the study.


So - will I be eating breakfast? I'm still not sure - I might - just something little, something under a 100 calories, like a boiled egg, or a piece of cheese or something, and see 1) If I get hungier quicker - which to me would be an indication that my metabolism IS burning faster, and thus my body needs more fuel and 2) if I lose weight any faster.


Hm. That's an interesting thought. If I am MORE hungry on the days I eat breakfast - I will most likely consume MORE calories in a day than I would if I didn't. Now, is the resultant increase in my metabolic rate going to balance out the additional calories? Cuz see, like I said earlier, I don't DO hunger. I've never 'stuck' on a lowcal/lowfat diet because of that very reason. If I'm hungry, I'm going to eat, period - and sometimes 3 celery sticks simply AREN'T going to satisfy me. The lowcal/lowcarb diet works for me, because - well, I'm not hungry. Which also means I can make good food choices all day long.


This was fun.... I think I'm going to dig up some more metabolism studies....


More about Food....

So, I was thinking about this more last night - as I was eating a lovely, lovely, dinner.
Hunger - to me - is like the 'Low Fuel' warning light for your body's gas tank. Your body isn't going to let you run totally OUT of fuel before it says - hey! Dumbass! Eat something! That would be stupid on a purely survival level.
Anyhow....the whole breakfast thing...eh. I don't know. Once again - it's the battle between how everyone says you SHOULD eat, and the concept of not eating unless you're hungry.


I suppose I could start eating SOMETHING in the morning. The thought actually makes my tummy clench a little - and it just doesn't seem RIGHT. And if eating breakfast causes me to eat LESS food during the day - I'm really going to be SOL. And then of course - how soon do you have to eat after waking up for it to count as 'breakfast'. And ya know - there was a study done about which was more valuable - breakfast or extra sleep in the morning, and the sleep won. Sleep is a large reason why I don't eat breakfast - I'm not one of those people who wake up an hour and a half before they have to leave for work and putter about the house, watching the news and ironing clothes. No. I get up, and I am out of the house in 20 minutes - and I'm STILL usually running a little late. So - does eating something 2 hours after I wake up count as breakfast? 3 hours? 4?


*laughs*


Hmmm... of course, I have noticed that the earlier I wake up, the quicker I tend to get hungry in the morning - so if I WAS one of those people who got up much before they had to go to work, I would most likely actually be hungy enough to EAT breakfast.


*sigh* I still think I should trust my body over some scientist who doesn't know me. Eh, maybe I do need to go and talk to a nutritionist. *laughs* I betcha she'll tell me to eat when I'm hungry too.


Anyhow! Enough about when I eat, let's talk about WHAT I eat.


Breakfast/Early Snack: Protein of some sort - a boiled egg, piece of cheese, protien bar. Usually something very, very, very, small. Under 100 calories easy.
Lunch: Lately it's been a protien shake - funnily enough, I'd rather eat a quick lunch AT work so that I can leave earlier rather than leaving, taking my hour, and then having to stay longer. Damn that. The shakes haven't been too bad - and I figure that they are a HECK of a lot cheaper than actually going out to get lunch since a 4 pack is 5 bucks - which is less than I would spend for lunch on ONE day. And - they aren't FILLING, perse - I miss the whole 'chewing' bit - but I am satisfied and not hungry until dinner. And of course, they are convienent as a MUG. And naturally, they are disgustingly low-cal and low-carb.
Dinner: Oooohhh - my favorite meal. No real consistency here - usually meat & a salad of some type. I looooovvvveee salads (green/fresh/crunchy/salty/chewy/ cheesey/spicy), and somehow, I forget about this love when I'm not trying to be lowcarb. I could acutally do the salad thing for lunch but - ugh, so not convienent. And going out for salads are a real rip-off....though there IS this pizza place up the street that has a 4.99 lunch buffet and has a pretty damn nice salad selection. Hmm.... maybe that will be my Friday lunchtime treat spot.


And then, of course, once I start lifting weights again - I know that my early appetite will ramp up, and my late appetite will ramp down, so I might have to revisit this whole dang thing in about a week. Still... it's interesting.


I think I'll go and look up studies about weight loss differences between people who ate breakfast and people who didn't.

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

Streaming....

Hmmm....almost 1pm, I've got *thinks* 3.5 hours left, and my bestest chatting bud has abandoned me today, so I guess I'm going to have to entertain myself.


It's funny, how you'll have answers right in front of your face, and you'll ignore them because you KNOW the answer is there. Okay, that didn't make much sense, but you'll see what I'm saying in a little bit.


I'm very much so - disconnected from my job. It's interesting - work for me has never really defined who I was. I'm a computer analyst - but that's just what I do for a living. It really has NOTHING to do with who I am. And after the break, I've come back realizing that - not only does this job have nothing to do with who I am - I'm completely disconnected from it. It's not that I've become - slapdash with my work, because I haven't. I take pride in doing what I do well, and quickly. I just have absolutely NO investment in the process. It's a job. Nay, it's a paycheck.


Anyhow, one of the things that has been bugging me is that I have one very, very, very, anal coworker, who regularily comments two of the biggest work related sins there are in my book. 1) He doesn't have a good sense of boundaries - if I'm working on something, and someone comes to you and asks a question about it - redirect them to me, instead of taking on more work, and then bitchin bout how busy you are. and 2) He treats me like I'm slow.


I might be many things at work, but I'm not slow. Anyhow, I've been trying to figure how to - relax - I suppose is the best word in my dealings with him. I can't avoid him, as we work on the same damn module, but at the same time, I don't really want to interact with him, and I get the vibe from him that he doesn't really want to interact with me. So what do I do? How do I just let this go?


I was coming back from the bathroom, and for some reason, my eye caught a little scrap of paper I have posted on my cubicle wall:

The Five Simple Rules to Being Happy.
1) Free your heart from hatred
2) Free your mind from worries
3) Live Simply
4) Give More
5) Expect Less


and it just made - something CLICK. It was like - ya know - I'm not invested. I'm not connected. Why am I letting this 'percieved' irratation actually affect me? And I could almost feel the tension slip off my back. If he's that hard up for additional work - phhft. He can have it. I STILL do what I do very damn well. If he doesn't want my assistance, or can't bring himself to interact with me as if we are intellectual equals - *shrugs* his bloody loss. It's really got nothing to do with me. Give More, expect less.


So, I'm still bored at work, but at least I'm not irritated as well.


I need something else to research.

Ahhh, Food.

I'm so - confused, I guess would be the best word, about my eating habits.


I was always one who agreed with the concept that you shouldn't eat unless you were hungry - which to me, makes perfect sense. You want your BODY to tell you when it's time to eat, not the clock. 
But - at the same time, all of the 'recommendations' around eating healthy say that you should not skip meals, and you should eat 5-6 small meals daily - with no mention of hunger.
So - to me, it seems like these two things only work in concert if you are actually HUNGRY 5-6 times a day. If you aren't - you are ignoring your bodies requests for food, and feeding yourself whether you really NEED to eat or not.
And then, of course, there's the concept that you should never skip a meal if you don't want to slow down your metabolism - which once again, doesn't fit in with only eating when you are hungry - and this is where it starts to impact me.


Simply put, I don't GET hungry until around *thinks* 10ish or so usually, and even then, I'm usually not really HUNGRY, I'm in the mood for a snack. If I eat something then (something as small as a protien bar, or anything that DOESN'T have a high carb level) I'm usually simply NOT hungry again until 4 or 5.  If I force myself to eat early in the morning (having something resembling breakfast - anytime before 10) I won't get hungy again until around 4 or 5, completely skipping the hunger signals for 'lunch'. My NORMAL hunger patterns have me eating actual meals twice a day - once in the early afternoon, and again in the mid-evening. When I'm not working, my NATURAL sleep/eating pattern goes something along these lines:
Wake up around 11am
Eat the first meal of the day around 3pm or 4pm
Eat something small around 9pm
Eat another meal around 12am or 1am
Go to sleep around 3 or 4


When I am working, it's more along these lines
Wake up around 7am
Eat the first meal of the day around 12pm
Eat something small around 5pm
Eat another meal around 9pm
Go to sleep around 12am


So....it looks like I generally get hungry for the first time around 4 hours after I wake up. Then I'm hungry enough to want a snack about 5 hours later. Then I hungry again about 3 or 4 hours after that, and then I go to sleep about 3 hours after my last meal of the day. My biggest meal of the day when I'm working is the last one, and when I'm not working is the first one. I've realized that the reason I eat a larger last meal when I'm working is because I'm actually at HOME and can cook & eat precisely what I want to eat, and don't have to 'make-do' with something else.  


Interesting. I've never actually written it out like that...... I suppose I could make my 'snack' more substantial, and call that the third meal of the day.


It's interesting and frustrating, because I've NEVER been an overeater. I've always been the kind of person who eats when she's hungry, and stops once she's full - though I've been known to push myself to gorged when I drink with meals. But at the same time,  everywhere I look, there is information telling me that eating WHEN it feels right to me, and not eating when I'm not hungry - is screwing up my appetite and my metabolism. I've spent all morning trying to find information about a linkage between how hungry you are, and how your metabolism responds. I can understand that denying yourself food when you ARE hungry (starving yourself) is a bad thing, but if you aren't hungry, you CAN'T be starving yourself, right? And if you AREN'T starving yourself, not eating 5-6 meals a day shouldn't be screwing up your metabolism, right?  And if my metabolism isn't screwed up, then eating 1500 calories a day should almost guarentee weight loss, right?


*sighs*


I'm thinking about all of this because me & C are going back on the low-carb bandwagon, and heaven KNOWS that I have even LESS of an appetite when I'm low carbing it, and I can EASILY drop below 1500 calories a day - and STILL not be hungry. But if your caloric intake is too low, your metabolism stalls, and you don't lose weight. But what's too low? Is too low a number, or should too low be determined by whether your body NEEDS food? And really, if I have a naturally slow metabolism, I don't MIND - not in the least. I'm not trying to jumpstart it, I'm not trying to speed it up - I just want/need to know how to work WITH it to achieve my goals.


Anyhow, to try and get a handle on this, I'm doing a couple of very important things.
Firstly, I'm eating ONLY what I want, when I want it.
Secondly, I'm going to supply myself with mini-meals for work. So far, I've got a drawer full of protien bars, because it's small enough that it'll be perfect for that late afternoon 'snackiness' - which honestly, I do sometimes tend to ignore if it's within 45 minutes or so of me going home. I'm considering trying  a shake for lunch - but only if I don't have a SPECIFIC taste for anything. I'm going to keep my largest meal of the day as dinner, because I can control what I eat and match it to want I WANT to eat easiest at that time.
Thirdly, I'm finally writing down EVERYTHING that passes my lips - except water  - AND what time I eat. I know that I drink a minimum of 1/2 gallon of water a day, and I usually shoot for a full gallon, which is just about how much I should be drinking. I'm going to tally it up at the end of the week - because right now I just want to see what my NATURAL habits are.


Me & C are also working on a exercise program we can do together. I'm still doing Tabata Intervals on the Gazelle (bastards that they are) but once it warms up a little bit, we will start walking after I get home from work.


I just refuse to believe that I'm supposed to be fat. I refuse to believe that my body WANTS to lug around all of this extra weight, and I do believe that if I could actually get really in touch with what I NEED and when I NEED it...... that the weight will - well, at least stabilize at a slightly lower, slightly healthier level.
Is that foolish to believe that the human body instinctively knows what it needs to be healthy, and that it's the misinterpetation that our well-trained (or mistrained) brains put on it that screws us up? I don't think so - simply because of babies. A healthy baby that eats when and how much it wants to doesn't get obese UNLESS there is some underlying health problem. Why can't I do the same?

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Terrible Tuesday....

Largely because I'm all out of work. The Access 'issue' that I thought would keep me tied up for a while I finally girded my loins, sat down, put on my iPod, and focused on it for four and a half hours straight, and got it done. *sigh* So - that was next to the last thing on my list, and I'm still waiting for someone else to fix something so I can finish testing something else and.... *sigh* It's going to be a long week.


I had chocolate milk with lunch today, and I keep burfing creamy chocolately goodness. Overshare? Maybe.


I got my doula business cards yesterday - they are sooooo shexzy. Which, really, is kinda an odd thing to say, but I mean DAMN. They are soooo hot. Hot, Hot, Hoooot. So, now for the brochures.
I'm kinda concerned - it's been a week even, and I haven't heard a peep from AM. I know she's still alive cuz I get other unrelated emails - but what if the nice couple said they hated me or I had shifty eyes or something? I'm really deepbreathing about all of it, but ARRRGH woman - let me know something.
I'm so not a tendertart. I'd rather know bad news than dance on little springs about whether the news is going to be bad or not. Just TELL me, already.
*more deepbreathing*


So, the weekend. Went out, hung out over a friends house, basically chilled. Didn't watch the game, didn't even think about the game in fact. Ah, the wonders of living in a mostly sports free household. I finished the training (which was longer and more involved than I expected) for this work at home thing, and the phone lines should be on tommorow, so I guess I need to keep an eye out for a good headset. Oooohhh....just had a sudden thought. Hm, nah, that won't work. Ah well, I'll have to do some comparison shopping.


Ah well, at least it's given me some nice uninterrupted time to write. I've never finished a short story - I usually want to pack too much into it, and it irks me to have to strip a tale down to it's really important component parts. What do you mean I can only have ONE plotline? And then, I started thinking about AfricanAmerican folk tales, esp about the supernatural, but couldn't find a good online source. I'm pretty sure I have some books at home that have a couple of stories in them.....but that's not helping me right NOW, now is it??


What else, what else? Sweet Jesu, it's only 3:10.


I seriously have to start getting up earlier.


 

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Holy Cow,

It's only WEDNESDAY?? Sheesh, this week is really dragging.


So, work - right? I write so much more at work than I EVER do when I'm at home, largely because well - at home I actually have ISH to do.


So - I think that yesterday I wrote about my explorations in the world of Thrift for wineglasses, and my utter failures thereof. However! Hope was seen on the horizon from William-Sonoma. Hah! I went, I browsed, I picked up a single (SINGLE) plain wine glass and noted the price tag of 7.99 (for ONE!) and fled to the Target across the parking lot, where I NOT ONLY got 12 (a full dozen, ya'll) wineglasses (plain, yes, but I was desparate by then) for 8.88. I only got one box, because it was the last box of 'general purpose' wine glasses, but now as I think of it, I'm kicking myself for not grabbing the box of red wine glasses as well. Dammit. Ah well, let's see how long it takes for us to go through twelve. And anything other than glass wine glasses are atravesty, so let's not even go there, hmmm??


Went to the interview (appointment?) with my DoulaMentor (hereby known as DM. Hm, AM) and it went - well, I think. I realized that I tend to be a very - exuberant - person, and AM is a lot more laid back - I think a lot of her laidbackness is the fact that she has three kids, a dog, a husband in school, and a little bit of the dreaded doula burnout. So - we shall see - I really didn't talk much, but I interjected a few things (mostly useful, I thought) and I think that it went well. I hope that it went well - AM is going to call them tonight and get some feedback for me. *crosses fingers*


Ah yes, I actaully started the entry meaning to talk about work - hah! Okay - I've got basically three things on my plate - the Access database that I can drag out for-EVER (well, not really, but I can easily squeeze another week out of it if I can jsut get this damn search function to work). Another, that I've mostly finished, but need some outside input on, because otherwise I'd just reallllly be doing busywork, and while I don't MIND busywork (I used to love folding brochures) I insist that it's actually USEFUL,  and a third thing that I can't start on until they rerelease the system to users - which isn't supposed to happen until tomorrow. My coworkers are involved in things - but honestly, sometimes I wonder. Is my workload REALLY that much lighter, or are they just dicking around 7/10ths of the time? Because good lord - the way these people moan and groan about ALLLLLLL the work they have to do - yet as soon as someone else volunteers to help them, it's all - No, I need to finish this - No, I'm almost done, - No, I've got in under control. GGRrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And when I scope the room (going for water) I'd say at LEAST 7/10ths of the screens are on SOME non-work related webpage. And then - also, I think that they - are - well, anal? As well as WAY too volunteeristic, but then, I can be a biatch. Heh.
So, yeah, I just think that I'm a little faster, and a little more susceptible to being bored. *sigh* I can't believe I'm going to say this - but I miss my old job. At least the workload was ungodly there. I most certainly, however, do NOT miss living in Indiana. *shudder* *sigh* I seriously would have stayed with Lilly if they could have just gotten me the HELL out of Indiana. Really.


Hmmm... I think I'll go to the other thrift store for lunch....maybe I can score some more books. And I need a semi-attractive, neat, box type object to store my crafting stuff in. I leave in under the table in clear plastic boxes now, but I'm hoping for sumthin a lil purtier.