death/life/art

A rather morbid, yet interesting thought struck me, spurned by the discussion of waxing ovaries. I have interesting OLF. *laugh*

Anyhow, I went off, wondering what an ovary really looks like. And I realized, all the pictures would be bloody and - violent - somehow - not looking at the organs themselves as things of rich color and beauty, but instead as either dead or diseased things.

I would love to see Organ Art. Where there are galleries of what our insides look like - artistic and beautiful, a few steps removed from the violence that exposed them and reduced to the beauty that they are.

So, I decided that ovaries were delicate pink almonds - smooth and soft, the color of the inside of your eyelid. Occasionally bumpy - but mostly delicate fragile nubs, suspended by cords of ligament and vein in a dark, warm space.

*sigh* I wish I was a better artist. I have these - visions - in my mind, and I have no idea how to translate them to something - tangible.

Dreams into reality.... isn't that the real job of this life? Turning what we desire/aspire to into what we are....and what greater task than to live up to what we COULD be?

Hrm. Is our destiny in life to be artists? Creators of something beyond the limits of ourselves?

Gah. I'm babbling (see, new bloglove!) but... I'm glad to be getting it out.

*blinks*

Oh my god.

It's almost November.

Like - it will BE November in roughly 29 hours (give or take how long it takes me to post this).

November.

That means......

NaNoWriMo

And holy shit, the site is so busy that it won't come up.

I'm thoughtful and scared and nervous and I actually have a pretty solid core of a story for a book.... and I think it will be fun..... and it would DEFINITELY be at least 50K words - easy.

Wow......

I really think I might do this.

*runsaroundmadlywavingherhandsoverherhead*

I'm really going to do this.

Ooooooh.

Fun.

I think what I will do is, make entries about Nano here, and just save them as drafts.... because I don't want anyone to jack my whole novel. Seriously, I think this one might be really good. Anyhow, I'll post some 'open' entries, and crosspost them to OD.

Heh.

Work is worship.

Dreamt this morning during snoozetime that I was pregnant - well, that I had gotten a positive test. I was sitting in the floor of the living room, meddling with something, and picked up a test that was leaning in a cup (??) and looked at it. It was an odd test, as it had one line on the end that indicated whether it worked, and then at the other end, there were two lines - instead of the usual one. I looked at it, looked at C (who was sitting behind me) and was like - huh. I'm pregnant. I grinned at him, and then went right back to what I was doing.
It was a very non-event. *lol*

But then, at this point, I'm thinking that's what it is - just in general. Well. Hrm. TTC'ing, for me, right now, is a matter of a waiting game. I'm doing what I can, on the outside, to get things moving. I'm not doing ALL that I could, in any way shape or form - but I'm doing some things, and those things are just - part of my life, now. So, yeah.

Then, as I was getting ready to go to work this morning, my fertility stone bracelet fell off the shelf and hit my foot - so I put it on today.

I'm STILL fucking bleeding though, so I don't know what - if any - significance any of that has. Hurmph. I'm also mildly horny (which is a biggie for me) and I plan on pouncing him repeatedly as SOON as I stop bleeding. It seems to be getting a little lighter - I don't know. *sigh* I really don't.

The accupunturist changed my herbs, though - I should look up the one she took me off of, and see what it's side effects are. I'm almost CERTAIN that this period is my bodys reaction to all the stuff I'm doing - both herbally and energetically - and that I just need to ride it out. Still. *sigh*

I'm impatient, more so than anything else. And really, it's jsut a matter of time - that, if nothing else, I believe.

Festival Of Souls 2007

Where to start? Choices, choices, always choices. Wise or foolish, you cannot tell until the choice is made, when the choices dance in the greylands.


Choice - to pay full price, even though I had registered as work trade - it felt good. I need to find the appropiate word for mitzvah that comes from my trad., as that is what it was. It was hard work (oh, my back and my ass were KILLING me - so much more respect I have for what C does day in and day out!), but it was fun, it wasn't cleaning bathrooms, and it wasn't a constant thing..... in other words I had plenty of time to fellowship. Since I'm not THAT active in the community - I should be more active, but I have to say I like my house more than I like SG, it was a good time for me to be visible, and busy. I got quite a few thanks and accolades for the work I did, and it seemed to be a good time to step up, since I was graduating from First Realm.
Community - it lies on the back of those who build, and in the hands of those who live.



Choice - to be persistant, and continue shopping until I laid hands on the stone that I knew was there. There was a stoneswoman there named Dick, and she had a HUGE number of gorgeous and cheap stones - just - stuff that would make your jaw drop. I came across my first - vibratory stone there. I was rummaging amoungst her selections, and this stone sprung out at me - it was a dark rich black color, with little flecks on it that reminded me of the night sky.
Mind you, the night before I had coo'ed over the fact that I could actually see the seven sisters (well, only six of them, but I can NEVER see baby sister for some reason) and so I scooped the stone right up. It started throbbing in my hand. At first, I thought I had too many stones in that hand, and switched out. Still throbbing. Then, I held it in my hand loosely, thinking that it was the tightness of the hand hold that was causing the throbbing. No, no, the rock was DEFINITELY throbbing in my hand. I go to Dick and ask her what the stone is - a garnet. My birth stone. And it clicked - and of course, I go it.

Later on, I'm telling this tale to Joy the Bard, and when she went to her room to change, she returned with a wee gift for me - it was a rose quartz ball (another of my birth stones, according to some) and when she handed it to me, I nearly dropped it in shock - my whole hand/arm tingled, instantly, like a small electric shock had hit it. I dropped it into the traveling altar I had won, and clung to the stone and the bag for the rest of the very long night.

I haven't touched either stone since I got back.... I'm debating in my head (very quietly) my altar setup.

Choice - attending the Mysteries, or staying in the room and kikiki'ng. I was mildly irked with one of my roommates (gah, that's a whole nother post) and I wanted to attend at least one Wyrd Sister workshop.

Firstly, it was possibly the first meditation/guided journey I actually got something out of - firstly, the shock of recognication of the garden, and the stone chair, and the stream. Secondly, the deep anscetress who showed up looked REMARKLY like Lady Kiya (whose picture I didn't stumble across until AFTER FOS) and she told me two things.
1) Be Love
2) Trust You
Yeah, possibly two of the biggest platitudes, EVER, but she was right serious about them. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be the 1st cornithians love, or the hippydippy 70's love & peace man, but it's been running through my head since then. The trust bit she only said after I bugged her about the whole 'Be Love' bit. Hurmph.
I've done the meditation on my own a couple of times, but I never seem to be able to make it either up the steps in the Sacred Tree, or I get distracted by the chambers in the Mound - I want to know what's in them....

Choice - to sit out Guedra. For one, I was colder than - oh wow, I don't think I've been that cold in a while. For two, I was irked - I was filled with a sense of service, and it was a return to reality (on the last night of FOS) that not everyone fills the same - duty - towards others. And ya know, it's not like I'm the most dutiful person either - but, when one has a role, one fulfills that role, dammit. And not half-assedly, either. *sigh* *pulls plank out of my eye*
But it was good - sitting by the fire, listening to people talk, staring at the sky and seeing so MANY shooting stars (I never realized they left trails before) humming along to the chants. In addition, guedra was 'wrapped' up by a complaint from off the field, and I most likely wouldn't have gotten a chance to dance - and it worked, well. I don't know how many more guedras I will participate in..... hrm, I'll have to mull over that later.

It's always so hard to come back from a festival and actually write about it - so much of what happens is magical and of the moment and is built on the moments before and can't be clearly shared after the fact - but I always try, to at least note a little something down, so that I can at least solidify the memory for myself. High points, low points, the smell of cloves and campfire in the morning.

Eureka!!

I found it!! The old sex diary, that is. Or, more accurately, I found a download I made of it (cuz I'mma smart girl!) So - that's been added, along with the rest of my hair journal(s) - and I'm up to about 1600 posts, and a pretty consistent almost ten YEARS of my life. In December of '08 it will officially be ten years that I've been journaling online, and the changes are amazing - and amusing, in a lot of ways.

I've both matured, and gotten a little boring - a little dull. I'm not as willing to randomly romp around outside of my comfort zone, anymore. It's almost like - I've spent all this time FINDING a damn comfort zone, and now you want me to LEAVE it? Oh, damn that. *lol*

Now, though - it's like I've done ALL this work, and I don't know what to do with it. It seems like I used to have so much to say, so many topics to touch on. Okay, and I did a LOT of rambling too.

I wish there was a way - like how I have my quotes? If there was a way to show a random label everytime someone loaded the page. I guess, I could reuse the quote code, and figure out what the links to the labels are, and use that.... hrm. I don't know if it'll be worth it.

I did notice (ah, the wonders of talking about oneself) that each time I moved to a 'new' diary - or heck, even changed my diary name, that I became much more - vocal. Hopefully, that streak will hold up.

It's not that I'm - censoring - myself. Okay, maybe a little. Most of the time, it's that - what's going on (or not) in my head - well, hell, I think it's pretty uninteresting. I don't have drama in my life, I don't have drama amoungst my friends, but I think that I'm shortchanging myself because I'm not taking things out of my head and turning them over and exploring them the way they deserve to be.

I actually need to make a post on FOS, while I'm thinking of it.

And that should take up most of the rest of this workday.

Mondays.

Bleh.

Work...

ay-yah, but I had a LOT of entries. I'm still missing the wedding diary, and the sex diary - I THINK they might be on the iPod, or on the desktop - I'll check the ipod at work tomorrow. Anyhow - I've got most periods from 98-07 covered (9 years!) so, I'm more or less happy.

Now, I just need to figure out how to download from blogger - I've actually got everything in roughly correct chronological order - I'm really not trying to lose all this work!

---

In more up to date news, we worked on the yard yesterday - moved 5 bushes, I think it was altogether? I still neeed to work on the dirt around the bushes - insure that they will have enough dirt to get nutrients from. We did that for most of the daylight hours, and then went camping during the evening - I'm REALLY loving camping out - last night might be the last night we can do it this year (which really, is fair - it IS almost the end of the year) and we are just getting better and better at it each time.

I haven't touched my hair - I put a DC on dry hair in on Friday, and haven't touched it since. Once I finish this post, I'm actually going to get up and braid/wash it - it's almost 10pm, and I haven't had dinner yet (I was trying to wait for C to get home) and I'm getting sleepy.

I wanted to get through the last of my saved off diary, though.

Hrrm, I wonder if I had a wedding folder?

Possibily.

Weekend....

So, by some stroke of serendipity (I've been stumbling over a lot of that, lately) the latest 'old' entry that popped up was talking about transplanting bushes, and OS kindly noted that this time of year is about the best time of year to do it (bushes are dormant, ground isn't frozen) and it's been raining BUCKETS for the last two - no, three - days - making the ground softer than my hair.

So.

Looks like I might be transplanting bushes this weekend. The move-to ditch is mostly done - I did that much earlier in the year, and I just need to rip out the greenery that has overtaken it, and finish expanding it. The bushes themselves will be 'fun' to dig up and move - but I need to do it anyhow, as it's messing with my gardening steelo, so, that'll be okay.

I'm also supposed to get my treadmill this weekend (yippee!!) so I need to clean the junk from outside the house.

I need closed crocs to work outside in - not the ones with the holes in it, as it's wet and cold and wet & cold feet are the anti-funness.

I got this interesting email yesterday, and I'm going to try to start encorporating the suggestion into my daily life.

Did you know that by simply removing one word from your vocabulary, and replacing it with another, you can put yourself in the driver’s seat and gain 100 percent control of your life?
More often than not, the word “CAN’T” is the culprit of your failures. By replacing “CAN’T” with “WON’T,” you open the door to asking yourself the right questions that may help you get out of your own imaginary prison.
Do you say “I can’t take a vacation,” or “I can’t get a better job”?
By changing those statements to, “I won’t take a vacation,” and “I won’t get a better job,” what questions are raised?
Why won’t you? What’s holding you back? What are you not willing to do to make it happen? Plenty of people have done those things, and are doing them right now as you’re reading this, so they’re obviously not real impossibilities!
Start your transformation by paying close attention to when and how you use the word “can’t,” and then repeat the sentence in your mind, replacing “can’t” with “won’t.” Analyze the sentence, and you may be in for an awakening.

I thought that was interesting, and challenging, and relatively simple, overall, so - yeah.

Urmmm. I think that about it.

Stay warm, ya'll.

Nappilicious Issues

I was on LHCF earlier today, and was responding to one of the ladies complaining about her tangles and knots and etc, and how it's considered 'standard' that tangles and knots are something that nappys have to deal with.
Another poster responded with this picture, and in my response, I got a little long winded, and a little ranty, and a little journally, so I figured I would just C&P most of it to here, and post something addressing the OP's concerns there.

Anyhow - this is a picture from a Benin Oba and Queen Mother Commemorative Heads website, and thus starts my response........

Ooh, how lovely! I'm adding that to my inspirational stuff. I can't wait til my hair is long enough for a gibson tuck! I wish that pic had more detail - their hair looks like it's not braided/twisted, but just pulled up into a high bun? I was looking for pictures of african hairstyles a while ago, out of curiousity as to how Africans wore their hair. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to do a search using tribe/region names in order to be able to pull anything up. That picture actually looks like it was scanned from a book - ah! It was - 'Royal Art of Benin - The Perls Collection' Interesting. It's almost time to go home, so I might check out Benin women hair in a googlefuu later on......

I'm natural, figure I always will be, and I have single strand knots and tangles and split ends, and it's like - so what? *lol* None of those matter unless I'm trying to wear my hair straight - because with the curlies I have, you can't see them/tell they are there.....
I don't know - but then, I also don't understand the idea that if you wear your hair up all the time, you aren't 'enjoying' it - as if the only way you can enjoy your hair is if it's loose. I mean, really - as if having it in a bun, or in twists, or in any of the other styles besides 'loose' are somehow less lovely than having your hair 'out'.....

I KNOW I can't wear my hair in a puff or a fro. without HAVING to deal with tangles, knots, broken off curly ends, and all those other issues. That's how my hair rolls, and if I want to grow it long, I have to roll that way with it. So, I wear my hair up 99% of the time - and it's forcing me to be more creative with my hairstyles and my hair routines. Right now, I'm down to using a comb in my head once a week, on soaking wet hair slathered in conditioner. I'm trying to figure out how to stretch that out to twice a month, but I think I'm going to have to wait for my hair to be longer so that my styles will 'stay' better.

I think one of the reasons that little black girls had such thick lovely hair as children (back in the day where the difference between grown and not grown was enforced - not in todays prostitot age) was because it was only 'down' for special occasions. For the day to day wearing of it - it was up, somehow - whether in braids, or in a bun, or whatever. It wasn't combed daily (cuz momma ain't have time) and it wasn't subjected to glue and chemicals (because that was far too grown). Even now, so many women comment on how much the health of their hair changed once they hit puberty - I think it's less the hormones flowing through us, and more the fact that we don't have our mothers hands in our hair anymore.

Horrifying Beauty

Canopus
Originally uploaded by Pierre J.

I saw this on The Daily Irrevalent and showed it to C, and we talked about how horrifying gorgeous it was.

I wanted to learn more about it, so I clicked through - and through, and through - and ended up at flickr.

From there, I realized that not only could I add the picture to my favorites, I could also blog about it directly from flickr.

And there are those who doubt that science and magic can co-exisist.

Hrrm.

I suppose I should actually talk a bit while I'm here, before I get sucked back into c-birth or C2PP.

Going to FOS this weekend - I'm still debating checking in Thursday night and staying Thursday, and then coming to work on Friday morning, going to accupunture appt @ 12, and then heading up to the park again - that really would be lovely, I think.

I'm debating if I want to sleep away from C for that long, though. *sigh* I don't know. It seems like the right thing to do, as I'm partially comped in for voluteering for kitchen duty - it seems only right that I'm there full time.

Ohh, I must find the cords from our wedding.......

I need to pack - most of tomorrow eve I think I will spend offline - I have to pack, and gather, and clean a little, and - etc, etc, etc....

And dammit, why do I start bleeding harder as soon as I get home? *sigh*

Well, off to bed soon, I think.

Yummy sounding TF Waffles

Make this the evening before:
2 cups of whole wheat flour (I usually mix 1 cup of whole wheat, 1/2 cup of oats, 1/4 cup of barley, 1/4 of buckwheat, anything goes really, spelt is good too)
2 cups of kefir (I make my own from raw milk, but commercial whole milk yoghurt will do fine too; you can also use regular whole milk, but add 2 T. lemon juice to it, the idea is that the grains are in an acid environment for some hours, it makes a thinner batter though)
Let this sit on the counter overnight.
The next morning, add 2 beaten eggs, 2 T. melted butter or coconut oil, 1/2 tsp. salt, 1 tsp baking soda, and whatever else you like in waffles, like blueberries and/or chocolate chips :-)
The soaking overnight predigests the grains and makes this not as heavy as one would think, on the contrary. And it is very nutritious. Because of the dairy and fat, you don't get a carb overload, but a more balanced meal

Friday

My definitely, no shadow of a doubt, most favoritist day of the week. An expanse of free time (at home, none the less) stretches out in front of me..... and almost everytime, I make a huge list of stuff that I would like to get done, and usually doesn't.

Doesn't mean I'll stop making the lists, though.

I want to....

...refile/file the papers that are starting to take over the computer room (but that would involve cleaning out the closet that the litterbox/catfood bowl is in, and I'm not ready for that. For fucks sake, there is still catfood in his bowl)

...clean the bathroom (that might actually get done - I want to try out some of the biosafe cleaners I got - the laundry detergent rocks, thus far)

...take down the tent (it should be dry by now) and deflate the air matteress (likewise, should be dry)

...clean all the random junky shit from in front of the house/garage to the junk pile.

Otherwise, there will be sleeping - reading (I plan on finally getting into Nourishing Traditions!) and general layaboutedness. Actually, I think C is working all weekend, so I MIGHT actually get a little more stuff done than I do when he's home.

I want to find a cheaper substitute for the 'no-cut' cutting boards that I can use. I cringe at the thought of spending 40 odd bucks on a TINY cutting board - that just seems insane to me. I suppose I could use the cardboard one - but I think that repeatedly cutting through paper like that will dull the blade of the rotary cutter. I was thinking of a HUGE white board from the thrift store might work (I could even make lines on it) but I don't know. Those rotary cutters are SHARP - but I really think that'll be the only way I'll be able to cut fabric STRAIGHT. *sigh*

Only an hour left. If I had a book in my car, it would be less than that - I could escape and chill between now and the accupunturists appt.

Hrm, maybe I'll play some Cake Mania instead.

a few minutes later....

I love the interwebs.

Getting Pregnant in the Summer Lowers Your Child's IQ

A recent study at the Indiana University School of Medicine has found that children conceived during the months of June, July, or August had lower math and language scores than their peers conceived during the rest of the year.

Why?
Researchers suspect that the smoking gun is the more than one billion pounds of pesticides used annually in the U.S. Most pesticides are used during the summer months.

"The fetal brain begins developing soon after conception. The pesticides we use to control pests in fields and our homes and the nitrates we use to fertilize crops and even our lawns are at their highest level in the summer," Dr. Paul Winchester, director of the study, said recently.

According to the American Pregnancy Association, even household gardening pesticides are well-known to put pregnant women at high risk for many birth defects, including oral clefts, neural tube defects, heart defects, and limb defects.

Domestic pesticides are the fastest growing segment of pesticide use. However, there is a connection between all pesticide exposure and birth defects.

"We actually found that every single birth defect category had a greater risk between April and July," Winchester said. "It suggests that with seasonal factors, something is conferring increased risk."

Winchester also noted that the study concluded that statistics for premature birth, the number two cause of infant mortality in the United States, can also be connected to the months when pesticide use is highest.

The evidence in this latest study shows that the trend in pesticide exposure, especially pesticides found in drinking water, is related to trends in test scores many years down the road.

"We have now linked higher pesticide and nitrate exposure in surface water with lower cognitive scores," Winchester said. "Neurodevelopmental consequences of exposure to pesticides and nitrates may not be obvious for many decades."
He added, "What I would like to see is large constituencies asking legislators and health officials to ask the questions in a better way. Drinking water in 16 states in the U.S. is contaminated with pesticides during June, yet many water providers don't even send samples in June."

For women who are pregnant during the summer months, the American Pregnancy Association offers this advice for handling pesticides around the house:

•Have someone else, preferably a professional, apply the pesticides
•Leave the area for the amount of time indicated on the pesticide package
•Remove food, dishes, and utensils from the area before the pesticide is used
•Wash the area where food is normally prepared following any application of pesticides in the home
•Open the windows and allow the house to ventilate after the treatment is completed
•Wear protective clothing when gardening to prevent contact with plants that have pesticide on them.

Winchester will now turn his attention to children with learning disabilities and their conception date to see if there is another correlation.

Internal Damages

I've always been - well, no. Not always. Lately, I've been wondering if my abortion (8 years ago! holy cow!) maybe - damaged my uterus somehow. I've heard of the cringing and problems that D&C could cause, and - well, the thought was always there.

Then, today, and I don't know why (maybe my period starting? or maybe something I read on cbirth) I started thinking about the actual procedure - and it struck me that they used some sort of vacuum type thing - definitely no blades. I looked it up, and apparently I had a EVA (Electronic Vacuum Aspiration) done - which has a much lower rate of uterine damage than a D&C does.

So, that's an oddly huge relief. What impacts the abortion may have had on my heartfeather, I don't know - I felt enourmously at peace with it then, and I still feel at peace with it. If I end up being infertile, I doubt that I'll feel much peace with aborting the only child of my blood I would have ever had - but once again, I hope that I never have to cross that bridge.

Of course, the IUD could have done something odd too.

*sigh* It's insane, and it sucks, that almost all of the procedures/hormones/methods of NOT getting pregnant so often affect your long term ability to get pregnant when you are actually ready.

I've decided, since we are going to buy another Fertell test anyhow, I'll take the FSH test Saturday morning (CD3 according to FF - I'm totally dismissing the barely there spotting Tue/Wed), and it I fail (which oddly enough, I'm pretty sure I will - just like C did) we'll both retake them in 3 months, once we've finished our bottles of FertilityBlend.

I'm a little - relieved - and a little ashamed at the same time - that we are 'officially' in a NT/NA period right now. It gives us a little time to relax, and to reconnect. It gives me a little time to lose some bloody WEIGHT. In addition - it'll shift the end of the pregnancy more towards the cool months - as I'm really not looking forward to being 9 months pregnant in an air conditioned house in the South.

I wish I could find that article that mentioned that babes concieved during certain months have a lower IQ, overall, and how they believed that was a side effect of the higher levels of pesticides/pollution in the air in the summer months.

Hrm, I'll see if I can dig it up.

Oh, Stop it!!

I don't know what I'm bumping to cause those OLD entries to show up as my latest, but I swear, really, they aren't - I'm just strolling down memory lane.

In 2007 news - holy fuck, it's OCTOBER???!?!?!!?? I mean, okay, obviously that happened about 11 days ago, but DUDE! This year feels like a blur - WHooooosssshhh! Which ya know, is one of the reasons I'm strolling down memory lane - it's amazing how much has happened (and hasn't happened) over the few years I have in OD. Okay - I've BEEN here for seven years, but I've winnowed down my diary a couple of times between now and then.

I'm totally not ready for it to be cold yet - I don't have many inbetweeny clothes (because I'm HUGE! Oh my god, I'm soooo fat), and it's still too warm for winter clothes.

I'm in love with skirts (floorlength ones) but none of my winter skirts are long enough. Can you make nice skirts out of pillproof fleece? I'm thinking they might look like wool.

I don't have any shoes - I've (finally) released my addiction to heels (I think it's been the long skirt thing - I don't care so much about how my legs look *laugh*) and I've been wearing thongs/crocs all summer (when I'm not barefoot altogether) and - my toes are getting cold! I think I'm going to do ballet slipper type things....

Gahhhhh! I need to go clothes shopping (or sew) and I so don't feel like doing EITHER.

As I've been meandering down memory lane, I've stumbled across the two (or three - maybe four??) different weight loss/health efforts I've made, and ya know what? I suck. *lol* I mean - seriously, I'm literally the EXACT SAME WEIGHT I was 5 years ago. Which, I suppose could be a good thing, if that weight wasn't so damn overweight that it's insane, AND if I hadn't lost close to 90 pounds inbetween there.

*sigh*

I finally broke down and ordered the full price treadmill - It's hate to walk around the yard as I have to coat myself with OFF. It stinks.

Speaking of stinky - I've stopped using deodorant! *l* I use this bar from Lush (www.lush.com - beware, you will fall in LOVE) and it's WONDERFUL. I smell - good. Human, rather than some chemicalized version of a spring rain coated with baby powder.

Urm. What else?

I have about another 200 books I need to add to my LibraryThing - I love bookclosests.com and the thriftstore - oh, love! And I refuse to shelve them, so they are scattered alllll over the place - *headshake*

I should most likely do that this weekend.

So, how are ya'll?

Poem for the Dark Moon

REST OF LONGING

Trust those places
With no way out,
The dark corridors
Of your longing.

In fact, entrust them
More than you give
To daylight, which disappears
With fall of night.

Only hidden light
Who waits for you
In darkness
Can reveal the invisible
Passage from darkness
That leaves nothing
Behind.

Jack Weber

Differences....

It's funny - after I posted that last entry, I realized just how superficial I've become when it comes to journaling - I mean, really? Camping? *laugh* Okay, not to say that the time I spend with C isn't infinitely valuable and worth writing about, but really - there is more going on in my head than just grocery lists of what I'm doing from day to day. That's a calendar, not a journal.

Anyhow, I suppose I'll get into something interesting, eventually. I still need to finish transferring all my other words here, too. Ah, that might be a nice way to muddle through the rest of the day.

---

Still not pregnant - about to start my period in fact. I had a tiny little vein show up on the TP yesterday afternoon, and when I checked CP today, there were little gobs of blood there. They remind me of the little 'sections' in citrus - I don't know what they are called - the tiny nobules that actually form the fruit? Like that.

I'll be able to take the Fertell test, too - if I start good and 'light' today, I'll mark today as CD1, and Thursday would be CD3 - the new moon, how appropiate. Maybe that's a good omen, that the moon will be waxing then.

It's officially past the six month point, now, and it's almost to six cycles. It's interesting how my attitude about TTC'ing has changed. I still think that a LOT of women go a little crazy - but I can see how easy it is. I mean - my mind slams shut the door that even murmurs that we might never have children - it's just - not in my mental view right now. We have a good way to go before that door should even be approached - it's the dark at the end of the tunnel, for me.

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Ugh. Coworkers are getting flu shots enmasse - *headshake* I don't even bother commenting - pumping themselves full of all that crap before the season even STARTS and they know what strain is going to be a problem is SO freaking pointless. I think vaccines are the modern day equivalent of raindances to the Gods of Health - when they work, it's all 'Seeee!!' and when they don't (or when they kill) it's all convientently something/someone/God's fault. (The other god, not the medigods). Whatever, man, seriously. *makes a note to get some Echinea tea* What? I can still dance my own dance in my own way, I'm just saying, taking posion shots straight to the bloodstream just ain't MY way.

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So, I've finally given up on getting the cheaper/clearanced treadmill - and Sears finally took it off of its site, so I'm satisifed in my determination to wait. I just ordered another one - but it won't be delivered until the 27th, because it won't be available to deliver this weekend, and next weeked is FOS and I don't know if C will be home, so it'll be the weekend AFTER that. Hopefully, that'll give me enough time to clean all the JUNK from in front of the garage (I swear, if people were judged by the outside of their house, we are SUCH slobs. Okay, fine, the inside too, but I'm just SAYING!) and pull it to the junk pile in the back of the house. It'll still be there, but it'll look nicer.
I might try to go to Sears and get a TV for in there too - I need to start doing my Qi Jong every morning - oh, and we're going to need a small heater, too. I think that'll just about wrap up the stuff we need for the gym.

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I still need to gather my thoughts together on the life change that's opened up in front of me - I'm not sure how to explain it to myself, much less make others understand what I'm thinking.

Hrm. More later, I'm sure.

Weekends....

Last weekend and this weekend, C has had off, and it's been fabulous - we've spent so MUCH lesiurely time together - reading, talking, playing games - time when we aren't either just waking up or wiped from a full day of work.
I've really missed having this sort of time with him.

We are going to camp out in the backyard tonight - hot dogs, cheese & crackers, and smores - plus sake. *laugh* we have to be ourselves, camping or not. There's also boing to be music, and reading.....all in the comforts of our backyard.

He mowed part of the grass, and I made the store run - forgot to get extra ice, but we aren't traveling that far.

We are supposed to be installing ceiling fans this weekend too - hopefully we'll get at least one done tomorrow.

I need to get up and henna my hair at some point, before I go out there - for once, I won't have to worry about staining the bed....

Shit and Shinola, goodness gracious me.....

I've been dragging my feet for almost a year, getting to here.

I've got two livejournals, an opendiary, a yahoo 360, a hair journal, and I'm sure at least one or two other blogs/journals/online writing spaces that I'm spacing out on.

Why? Because - for some idiotic reason (okay, not so idiotic - I'm scurred) I decided to 'isolate' parts of myself from other parts. I almost want to blame it on a lack of tags at my main journal spot (OD), but really, that's not totally true.

A lot of places, I feel like - well, I shouldn't write about THIS here, because they aren't interested in that, or if I write about THAT there, it might totally change peoples view of me.

And ya know what? I was right. People weren't interested, and it would have warped peoples view of me, but ya also know what? That should have been done - because I'm writing - or at least I was writing - for ME. Not for those who read me, not for those who friended me, not for those who note me.

To limit myself because they MIGHT not understand - well fuck, I'm shortchanging both them AND me.

But - could never quite put my finger on HOW to break out of the boxes I had created for myself - how to start anew in an old place, without driving MYSELF crazy.

I signed up to Vox yesterday, just so that I could leave a friend a comment, and it hit me - go someplace NEW. Go someplace customizable. Go someplace where I might not HAVE any readers, and work from there.

So.

Here I am.

I think - I want to bring together all of my old posts that are scattered all over EVERYWHERE, and put them here. I think BS lets you backdate things.

So.

Hi, ya'll.

39 Things you'd LOVE to say outloud at work...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in  public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're  saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point  of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

 

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*wave*

Hi. Don't have much to say, but that amused me DEEPLY. The bolded ones are my particular truths.

*hugs all around*

I am reading, but I think I'm PMS'ing, so no notes. :lol I know how to keep my fingers still, at least.