Knees Together!!

Okay, that article was a lot longer than I thought it was, but I had to grab it and tuck it in here so that I would have a place to come back to it and talk about it. Bits and pieces of the article have been going through my head since I first read it, and there are some things I wanted to touch on.

I have tried this celibacy thing before, in fact right after I broke up with Tasha I had said that I wanted to stay celibate for at least three months. Less than three weeks later, not only was I fucking J.E.H., but I was pregnant. *sighs* What shook me out of that particular spate of celibacy? Mainly because I had no reason for it... it was just something that I was like “Hey….that sounds like fun, I’ll try it” And then J.E.H was in the picture, who was such a hot spot pusher on me, and then of course, the fact that I was trying to be celibate he took as a personal challenge. *sighs* Before that? Nah… I don’t think that I have ever tried it before then, at least not consciously. When I was a virgin, I was never too concerned with staying that way.

Ugh…..I feel like I am talking about this too much, but it is rather important to me. It’s rather scary actually, trying to figure out how me, Hot Pants Harriet, is going to adjust to a life with men & women, that does not include sex. All I know right now is that I’m changing.

Any how….on to the points in the article that I wanted to touch on. The first one is the comment she made about becoming so much more aware of my own biorythms. I notice much clearer how my sexual desire raises and wanes depending on the time of the month. I notice so much more what pleases me, what doesn’t. I get pleasure from just being myself. *smiles* Now *shrugs* I don’t know…I feel like I am becoming more myself.

Stay Jazzed.

Celibacy

A Woman's Sexual Abstinence and Celibacy
By Elizabeth Davis

The woman who decides, for whatever reason, that she wishes to abstain from sex has been looked upon by our society as something of a anomaly. Sexual activity so deeply pervades our cultural definition of happiness and fulfillment that a woman going without is automatically presumed to be deprived and longing. As will be shown in the following pages, nothing could be further from the truth, at least when abstinence is a choice.

In fact, more and more women are deciding to take time off from sexual activity when preoccupied with personal issues and problems. Social autonomy has set the stage for women's emotional self-determination. The cultural constraints of the 1950s that defined sex for women as either taboo or obligatory no longer hold sway. Women may be categorically portrayed in the media as sex objects, but they are increasingly shown to have sexual identities and lives of their own. That a woman would, under circumstances of stress or emotional strain, decide it best to keep her vital energies to herself is certainly understandable.

To illustrate, here is a story of my own experience some years ago. My husband and I were going through a particularly difficult time in our relationship; we were not yet married (a bone of contention between us) and were working out negative consequences of an affair he had had some time earlier. That these issues were disrupting our sex life was quite natural, to my thinking, although I won't deny I was concerned. Our therapist, who had additional training in sex therapy, showed us a tape one day of a couple engaged in foreplay according to specific recommendations and step-by-step instructions. This experience both mortified and frustrated me, and I told her outright, "I don't need this, I don't think we have any problems with technique. My problem is with my feelings, my pain and vulnerability, the trust issue. I think if we work on these, I'll want to have sex again." This is not to minimize sex therapy for those with unusual aversions or physical difficulties, but for the vast majority of women, sexual dysfunction is emotionally based, and nothing more. We don't need another survey to tell us that a woman cannot be loving, open, and orgasmic if she feels her partner is treating her poorly or unfairly, let alone if she can't do right by herself.

What is it like to take a sexual time-out? It depends on the situation, but most women report a typical progression from loneliness to self-confidence and clarity. Brenda, a single, career-oriented woman in her thirties, tells how a series of relationships frightened her into abstinence that then became voluntary for a period of seven months.

I had an outrageous affair with a fellow who turned out to be royalty, a Scottish lord in fact. It was a whirlwind romance -- in a matter of weeks he proposed marriage. On the one hand, I knew I'd be "taken care of" for life, and all my friends were telling me to go for it. But this is a pattern that keeps reoccurring in my life -- guys go crazy for me, and the situation becomes overwhelming. Maybe I have something to do with it -- after all, I let it happen, to a point. Then I feel this pressure of being swept away, and I notice that it happens more when I'm unsettled or stressed at work.
So, I said no to this guy with much relief, and then the same thing happened with a man who turned out to be married -- there were signs and signals that I never followed up until it was way too late. After this I pulled back completely from men and sex.
Being celibate for all these months has given me some important things. One is protection -- I can feel vulnerable with myself and not be at risk. Another is a very clear picture of what I want in relationship: marriage to the right man. Eventually, because now I'm content to wait.

Other comments from women in similar circumstances: "I'm pleased and proud to be nurturing me"; "I see the seeds of myself beginning to grow"; "I have inner conviction now -- I'm my own person." It would seem, in a way, that voluntary abstinence is something of a right of passage for women today, particularly in reaction to tremendously eased sexual mores.

Yet another factor in the upsurge of celibacy may be women's desire to reconnect with the monthly cycle, particularly the menstrual phase. In examining menstrual taboos, it is unclear whether these were culturally imposed by men or formulated by women themselves. Nevertheless, ritual isolation while menstruating gives women the opportunity to be celibate for a few days, to disentangle themselves from routine obligations, and to reflect on personal issues in the company of others doing the same. Perhaps we all need such a respite, a chance to have body and soul to ourselves periodically without guilt or anxiety. Without this, we may manifest patterns of self-denial and subservience.

Let us examine this premise by way of example, taking first that of Lynda, who explains:
I grew up in a household where mom's main task was taking care of everyone else's business. I loved her for it, hated her for it, learned to depend on her and not myself. Even though we fought bitterly when I was in my teens, I found myself continually dependent and wanting to please her before myself, even as an adult. Three marriages and three children later, I still don't know all that much about me. My sexuality has been restrained, I think, confined to what's expected. I've been abstinent for three months now, and it's been a good way for me to sort things out and get to the heart of who I am. To tell you the truth, I feel like a child now, discovering broken threads from the past and reweaving them. Right now, I don't want anyone else but me.

This points to a primary need of women throughout time, that of self-containment. Women and Madness, by Phyllis Chesler, explores the consequence of diffusing the self for the ease and pleasure of others until complete disintegration of personality threatens to occur. When a woman rallies from this position it is usually with passion and fury; a passion that requires no other partner than herself.

Sometimes sexual excess leads to celibacy. This too is a classic theme, and women are not exempt. Here is what Alena has to say:
I was rather repressed when I was young, living in a house that was immaculately clean and bound by strict rules of behavior. There was love, but there was also fear; my mom was afraid of herself, I guess. I took the road less traveled (at least in my family) and dropped out of school. I met wild and wonderful people, and found I could make good money selling sexual favors. Not prostitution exactly, but intimate massages, blow jobs, that kind of thing. I was choosy, though, and never a slave to anyone. For a while I felt free, for the first time in my life. Then good friends turned bad, a few died of drug overdoses, and I turned to religion. I needed to purify myself, and I didn't have sex with anyone for three years.

As we enter our second decade of confronting HIV and AIDS, stories like this become increasingly rare. Nevertheless, sexual addiction and overindulgence remain major pathways to celibacy for a number of women.

More commonly, women complain of feeling prostituted in seemingly conventional relationships. Often this comes from repressing the pain of unmet needs, or of being ignored or belittled. The result is that sex becomes quite sporadic: a few encounters over a period of a day or two (perhaps after an argument) and then weeks with no contact. Recent research has shown that sporadic sexual activity is more likely to cause menstrual irregularity and subfertility than is celibacy. (Orgasm via masturbation does not seem to compensate.) Either regular sex, or none at all, tends to maintain normal hormonal levels and rhythms.1

Nothing disrupts sexual closeness like infidelity. Trust is so basic to a healthy relationship that once it is violated, intimacy may be nearly impossible to regain without a break or time alone to heal. Again, a classic account from Harriet:
My husband was unfaithful from day one, but it took me years to acknowledge it. Once I did, I went crazy with jealousy and fear. I started having anxiety attacks, even in public places. I'd just be going along fine, when suddenly I'd feel breathless, lightheaded; my heart would be racing and I'd have to sit down. I ended my marriage, but the same thing happened with the next guy. I finally realized that sex had become so full of fear and pain for me that I would probably keep losing again and again, unless I broke the cycle on my own. So I quit looking for validation from men, for breathtaking romance, and got down to being by myself. Some days I felt so alone that panic and anxiety nearly got me, but eventually, I could catch these feelings right away and set myself free. I discovered the things that nourished me and made me feel complete, instead of trying to fit other people's notions of what I should be.

Pain and heartbreak aside, it is time for women to recognize that the sexes definitely differ in erotic temperament. According to research presented in Brain Sex, there is overwhelming evidence that men are by nature polygamous and tend to focus on sex for its own sake.2 This does not preclude romance or even monogamous commitment, but a woman needs to know what she is up against. In any case, happiness comes not from seeking some idealized version of masculinity. Accepting men for what they are is the first step toward strengthening our own position. Relationships involve conflict because male and female desires appear to be at odds, but they can also be viewed as complementary. Each sex has certain basic needs that are fairly consistent; John Gray has illuminated this quite well.

For example, women need to feel cared for and loved in order to be able to trust their partners. Men, on the other hand, need to be trusted in order to give; a man without a woman's trust loses his momentum, his vitality. Naturally, men will fail to care for women as women would like, and women will find reason to lose trust in men, but that doesn't change the basic needs of each. The more realistic we are about differences between the sexes, and the more we accept our own traits and tendencies, the better we will be at weathering the ups and downs in relationships, the inevitable challenges and disappointments.

When a woman chooses sexual abstinence, she has the opportunity to own both her masculine and feminine aspects and bring them to terms with one another. For example, she can look at how much love and nourishment she gives to herself, and, if minimal, at the resulting lack of trust and vulnerability she feels with others. This will not change her basic needs once she is in a relationship: no matter how well she has learned to care for herself, she will still be vulnerable to a lack of caring from her partner. However, she may be better equipped to deal with breakdowns in communication and estrangement when they occur and go on caring for herself regardless.

How positive or constructive a period of abstinence is for a woman largely depends on how deliberate it is. When abstinence is by choice, negative side effects such as depression, lack of motivation, and disinterest in personal hygiene may not occur. Note that just as it may benefit a woman to be free of overconcern for her appearance, her self-esteem may be negatively affected if she doesn't keep herself up. More than occasional depression demands attention, and perhaps assistance. Counseling can help, as can time spent regularly with other women in group process or circle. Starting a woman's circle is not all that difficult; you can make your time together whatever you want, perhaps with ritual and planned discussion of topics such as money, sexuality, jealously, or whatever feels relevant from meeting to meeting.

Another possibility is to choose a book on women's issues or ritual celebrations and work through it together. In my experience, great revelations can occur in these situations without any professional assistance. One reason that women do not find much cultural support for sexual abstinence is that men find sex a prerequisite for emotional release, a precursor to love. Women, on the other hand, are more readily able to love themselves and others without sexual demonstration. When women choose celibacy, they threaten male needs, male control; we see this reflected in our language by terminology that is far from flattering, such as old maid, spinster, and prude.

In the days of witch burnings, it is notable that the vast majority of victims were single women of advanced age, so unacceptable was it for women to refuse to be vessels for male satisfaction and procreation. Some women worry about needing sexual contact to remain physically youthful and attractive. Certainly masturbation can serve to relieve tension, stimulate pelvic circulation, provide pleasure and the benefits of oxytocin. And there are innumerable ways to find physical satisfaction and emotional and spiritual release that have little to do with sex. Some women just don't want sex, whatever the reason, and that's all there is to it. Ultimately, women are more autonomous than men in this regard because they are better able to incorporate the erotic in all aspects of life.

What, if any, are the physical effects of long-term abstinence? With so many motivating factors, it is difficult to generalize. Some women do notice symptoms of pelvic tension such as chronic backache, increased premenstrual tension, or menstrual difficulties, but just as many report cessation of the above, particularly when abstinent after ending a miserable relationship. Occasionally, women report losing touch with the monthly cycle, becoming less aware of fertile and premenstrual signals. If fertility awareness was used contraceptively, this is certainly understandable. But perhaps these women are merely revising emotional and spiritual aspects of cycling to suit their newfound autonomy; most state that abstinency clears the way for more honest acknowledgment of feelings.

Many women notice increased awareness of diet and health when on their own. Without the distraction of another's needs, they are better able to see the results of their own eating and lifestyle habits, and to experiment with what makes them feel best. Particularly if a woman has been living with someone and cooking and eating more to suit his or her wishes than her own, she may find this aspect of being alone most illuminating and beneficial.

Women often say that the less sex they have, the less they think about it. Sometimes the longing for contact is strong, but usually it is more a desire for intimacy than sex itself (unless a woman is peak-fertile or premenstrual). Being celibate is less about not having sex than it is about being alone, dealing with one's own body, psyche, and soul. The periodic desire for intimacy is part of the deal and should be seen as a personal manifestation of need rather than the result of having someone attractive around.

Other reasons why a woman might choose to avoid having sex temporarily have little to do with relationship. For example, a woman friend of mine recently shared plans for a year-long trip around the world and her decision to forego sexual involvement until she left. No dates, no serious flirting, just packing and settling affairs. Similar indications might be plans to move house, change career, or focus on a creative project. As a spiritual discipline, celibacy has long been reputed to enhance one's concentration if undertaken with clear and serious resolve: something all women should think about and keep open as an option.

And what if a woman elects to take this option in spite of the fact that she is married or in intimate partnership? We read and hear much about differences in sexual desire between partners and, at last, the periodic desire for abstinence is coming out of the closest. National surveys on the frequency of sex deal in averages only. One must figure in the less-than-desired episodes and unsatisfactory contacts, as well as the flurry of sexual activity common in the initial stages of a relationship when major challenges to intimacy have yet to be faced. I can think of no long-term study that reflects the phases of closeness and separation in enduring relationships.

How does a couple get by when one wants sex and the other does not? Ideally they discuss the matter and set themselves limits. If emotional issues arise or become acute, they may decide they need outside help. Marriages in distress are frequently challenged to redefine sex from an obligatory or perfunctory activity to one of free will. Periods of abstinence may be crucial to sorting out individual needs and concerns. If either partner has been unfaithful, physically abusive, or psychologically brutal to the other, so much more case. After all, what possible tenderness, joy, or security could come from sexual contact under such tenuous circumstances?

Personal trauma of any kind is likely to interfere with a couple's sex life, particularly the loss of a loved one. The death of a child, a parent, or a dear friend or relative may cause either a desperate need for contact or complete disinterest. If only one partner is affected, the other may provide stable ground. But if both are devastated, as by the loss of a child, getting into the emotional intensity of sex may be just too much to handle. Rhythms of processing grief may also be at odds so that when one partner is raw and vulnerable, the other is shut down and unable to feel much of anything.

Here is Amanda's story of what happened to her after the death of her son at eight weeks from crib death, or SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome):
I don't think there is anything more horribly painful on earth than losing a child, at least, I hope there's not, because I don't think I could endure it. Jerry and I had many sad and upsetting experiences trying to make love after Jason's death, but this one time was so amazing I must share it with you. We were fucking and crying, really, fucking and crying, when we felt something descend on us, a great break in the tension, a feeling of warmth and healing. It was so wonderful, I can't tell you -- a perfect state of grace. Sex aside, orgasms aside, in that moment, time stood still and we felt whole again. After this, we stopped doubting and blaming ourselves so much. The guilt began to lift, and we began to live life again.

Reestablishing intimacy after any kind of intensely painful experience or shock is a difficult process; this couple was lucky to find common ground. Time heals, more than anything else. Realigning oneself after deep trauma is hardly a simple matter; layer upon layer must be permeated with new hope, definition, and resolve. For a time, we strongly encouraged people to express their grief profoundly and immediately; we now see that mourning and grieving are in fact cyclic processes and may take years and years to complete. The same is true, by the way, for anyone recovering from experiences of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.

Tina relates: "Pat and I had known each other for about a year, while she was still living with her previous partner. Then she and I became intimate, and she decided to leave Sue. She felt great guilt about this decision, along with new sadness and confusion regarding patterns of passivity from childhood abuse. Just as she became free to be with me, she decided she couldn't be sexual for a while. That was okay; I understood." Coping with the effects of debilitating illness, handicap, or mutilating surgery such as mastectomy or hysterectomy may also call for a sexual time off.

Sometimes the desire for abstinence becomes permanent, as in Joan's case:
I'm 69 now, and my husband died six years ago. A couple of years after his death, friends tried to set me up with men, and at first I was curious, interested. But each time it was so obviously wrong that all I felt was revulsion. I'd think to myself, "I have to get in bed with that?" I had such a wonderful marriage, and now I have my children and grandchildren. I've got used to being alone, and honestly, I like it.

At the other end of spectrum we have the plain, old-fashioned desire to wait for the right relationship. More and more women are choosing to remain virgins late into their teens or throughout their early twenties, no longer feeling so intense a pressure to prove their sexual liberation. This has much to do with living in the shadow of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Thus, for the first time in modern history, women are discovering the freedom to choose from a spectrum of sexual options. And now that sex by coercion is being defined as abuse, women have an opportunity to explore themselves as sexual beings in nonsexual phases. The ultimate dictum of sexual therapy -- "Don't worry about pleasing your partner, start by pleasing yourself" -- may soon be realized by women on a mass scale. In the process, women will see that their sexual energy is vital to their own well-being and instrumental to creativity, health, and happiness, whether shared with another or not. Indeed, it will seem increasingly natural and acceptable that a woman (or man) should have phases when sexual interaction is either inappropriate, undesirable, or low on the list of priorities, and that there will be times when sexual energy is channeled into highly personal pursuits.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

I finally found the essay that saying comes from. :) I think it has alot of relevance to my life... *sighs* EVERYTHING seems to have alot of relevance to my life suddenly.

Dance Like No One Is Watching
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawn on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with...and remember that time waits for no one...

So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die - - to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy..

Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Thought for the day: Work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching. Get busy living or get busy dying.

Stay Jazzed

Thou Art...(Theme Entry)

*claps* oh my…maybe the OD Staff will be able to keep up the every Friday thing for a while… I like this theme, so I will run with it.

What is my strongest belief?
Hmm… interesting. I am guessing that most people will talk about god, because when someone asks what you believe in, that can often be the first response. Automatically and swiftly, they will respond with a semi-sermon about the strength of their belief in god. Hm. I am gonna go there, because I don’t really believe in god, and that LACK of belief leads to my strongest belief.

I don’t believe in a god who looks down upon his creations and moves them about like chess pieces. I don’t believe in a god who hears & answers the multitude of simplistic and selfish prayers of her creations. I don’t believe in a god that is separate from who I am. I believe in myself. I believe that I can do anything that I put my mind to (within reason) as long as I trust myself. I believe that my creator made me strong enough to deal with and live through anything that I encounter, and only if I have tried my damnedest and done my best will my ‘god’ even consider helping out. I believe in a god that believes in me, and insists that I grow into the fullness of who I am, without leaning on those everlasting arms.

Why do I believe in such a ‘hands-off’ god? Maybe it’s because I haven’t had enough ‘miracles’ in my life. Everything that I have gotten, I have worked for & towards, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. I have never been one to sit on my rear and bitch (or pray) when I couldn’t get my hands on what I wanted. I have tended to be one who has always reached towards what I wanted, and if I ever chose not to reach, I blamed my lack of getting what I wanted on myself, rather than on fate, or the gods, or even my destiny. I considered the role of god while I was going through my pregnancy, and how abortion figured into that role. And that was the only time where I have said, ‘Well, if god doesn’t want me to do this, I won’t be able to’. While I believe in a god that lets me find my own path and create my own preordained life, I believe in a force that will not be stopped, and will not be ignored and whose power cannot be imagined.

Sounds contradictory? It is…and it is not. So perhaps…my strongest belief is in god…and in myself. My strongest belief is in the goddess that is within me. In the portion of that force that will not be stopped and cannot be ignored that exists within me. I believe in the portion of that unimaginable power that the Creator has, that she placed within me at the moment of my birth. And leaning on that belief, I can do anything.

Hm. I know that the idea of my god has been shaped by books, mainly science fiction & fantasy. The image that I have of my god is similar to that of The Star-Eyed One, from Mecerdes Lackey’s OathBound series and others dealing with the Shi’anin and the Hawkbrothers. The Star-Eyed one is a fierce yet loving goddess, who expects her children to do all that they can to make it before they call on her. A quote that I remember reading the solidified this concept of her being ‘my’ kind of goddess is this:

“Once a hunter called upon the Star-Eyed one, asking for her help because he had lost his skill in hunting, having relied upon his luck rather than on his skill for too long. She looked at him and said ‘You are still alive, aren’t you?’, meaning that he had not yet done enough to warrant her help.”

It sounds cold, and perhaps not as loving a goddess as most people would imagine, but I have to respect a goddess who depends all from her children, and when they have given that, she in turns gives her all.
Hm. I guess I am a pagan after all. *laughs*

Stay Jazzed.

Body Matters (Part 2)

I got this in an email today…. it fits what I was talking about earlier sooooo perfectly. And it fits me too…


Understanding My Beauty
I see you looking at me with that look of admiration and confusion I have come to know so well.
I see you struggling to figure out what it is about me that won't allow you to look away.
I see you trying to pin point the physical trait that is drawing you so strongly to me.
I see you comparing me to the type of women who USUALLY grab your attention.
I see you noticing that you aren't the only man noticing.
I see you getting frustrated because you can't figure out why you think I'm so beautiful.

Well Baby, Let me help you out...
It's not my face, you've seen much prettier I'm sure.
It's not my make-up, I don't wear enough to really make a difference.
It's not my hair, it's nice but plain.
It's not my clothes, lots of other women dress nicely.
It's not my body, I don't have the kind of measurements to be considered "superfine".
It's not my smile, it's warm and welcoming but not unique enough to stand out.

You see,
It's my confidence, the way I don't seem to care whether you look or not.
It's my humbleness, the way I acknowledge my flaws rather than disguise them.
It's my honesty, the way you automatically feel it's okay to trust what I say.
It's my tactfulness, the way you never have to worry about your feelings being hurt.
It's my submissiveness, the way I quietly allow you to take charge and be a man.
It's my aggressiveness, the way I go after the things I want in life.
It's my intelligence, the way I think deeply and articulate clearly.
It's my naivete, the way I am willing to let you teach me the things I don't know.
It's my integrity, the way I show you that I will always do the right thing and the way I expect you to do the same.
It's my naughtiness, the way I am willing to let go of my inhibitions sometimes.
It's my sense of humor, the way I bring out the "silliness" in you and the way I make you laugh.
It's my thoughtfulness, the way I comfort you when you are hurt, encourage you when you are strong, help you when you are weak and motivate you to do things you never thought possible.
It's my loyalty, that special way I make you feel like you are the only man alive when I am with you.
It's my independence, the way I have my own place, my own ride, and I pay my own bills.
The way I don't ask YOU to do the things I should do for myself.
It's the way I have a life of my own so that I don't feel the need to "sweat" you when you are doing things that don't involve me.
Yes, I'm beautiful.
I have the kind of beauty that does not fade with age or change with trends.
I see you looking, trying desperately to figure out why YOU are so attracted to me.
Allow me to let you in on the secret to understanding MY beauty.
Look at me with your heart first.
Then, look at me with your eyes.
Now, Ain't I the finest woman you've ever seen?
And, Don't you FINALLY understand why?

Bitterness & Rage

My supervisor has a sister that is five years younger than her,is not HER mothers child, and her father and mother had been married since before she was born. Perhaps you can see how this might cause issues? MySup’s sister has not really spoken to her father for close to 23 years, and MySup can’t understand why her sister is so bitter towards her father.

*humph* I can understand, and I am not sure if I can even explain it.
I’m not sure if I even want to touch on this, AGAIN, but I have to. It’s a oddly festering wound, a sore spot of anger and jealously that flares up at the oddest time. I don’t even know if I CAN talk about it. Ugh. I guess the main thing is jealousy, and mercy knows I will most likely never be able to be close to my little sister because of it. Everytime she talks about her father, it would be a stab in my heart because he wasn’t there for me.

*snorts* Yeah, it’s jealousy. Plain & simple. I am angry because I never had the chance to be a daddy’s girl. I am angry because I don’t know half of my family. I am bitter because I will never be able to. Stupid little things throw me off. Family reunions, sitcoms, pictures, diary entries, conversations over heard on the bus. *sighs* And really I am starting to get sick of it. Who is he to have such an emotional hold over me? Ugh. I am just…overly underwhelmed by this.

This poem I wrote as part of a choreopoemplay that I wrote a while ago. *sighs* Just a sample of my bitterness towards my brothas….

?
who the fuck are you??
Telling me what to do?

Do you know who i be?
I am the daughter of my mother
(helped by the sperm of some vanished man)
who the fuck are you?
Trying to run my life...
shit, from what I've seen men
cause nothing but strife

Who the fuck are you?
Trying to protect or shield me
I'm a BLACK woman stronger than anyman through history
Who the fuck are you??
Umph. You say you are the man for me
but what man do i need? I need a man that lets me be free
Who are you??
And why do u want me
Who you
and what can you do for me
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU??
Cuz even a fool can see you ain't half the man (and I'm a fucking woman) that this young strong black woman can be.

Stay Jazzed

And futhermore....

I was rereading my book of poetry that I put together almost 5 years ago (mercy, how time flies) that consisted mainly of things I had written during the time I was in high school. So, basically this stuff is close to 8 years old. As I was going through it, I realized that I have a remarkably twisted view of the whole male/female relationship thing. Even before I was ever in a relationship, I had some rather, shall we say, DIM expectations of what I could expect. While pondering why this was, I realized that I couldn’t think of a single male/female relationship that I would want to emulate. I don’t know of one couple (except for MAYBE my supervisor and her husband, and I don’t know them all that well) that I would want my life to be like. In fact, *thinks* out of all of my close friends, I only know of two parent couples that are still together…and we won’t discuss the amount of joy that may or may not exist in those marriages.

My mother and my stepfather had a…interesting relationship. Most of my out & out stubbornness and utter refusal to compromise comes from me watching my mother give up almost everything that she wanted, because she was in love. And what (in the long run) did she get out of it? Nothing but experience. When I am her age, I want there to be a hell of a lot more left behind from the ruins or successes of any long-term relationship that I have been in than JUST experience. Hell, I can get that being on my own.

Let’s see….what else exciting/of interest is going on in the head of Jazzy? cuz mercy KNOW nothing is going on in my life.

Okay, brief segue here – I hate liars. I hate liars with a passion, especially when they are dumb, stupid and easily confirmed lies. If I call someplace, and ask to be connected to someone, and you tell me the person is out of the office…okay.. that is cool if you are that person’s admin assistant and are able to screen all of their calls. But please, don’t let me be able to call the switchboard and get directly connected to the person…and they are IN their office. Ohhh.. I hate dumb liars, mainly because they are assuming that I am DUMB enough to fall for that shit. *growls and grumbles*

Okay…back to the contents of my head. Right now it has started madly gibbering about money. *sighs* I can’t wait to be in a spot where I don’t have to worry about money any more. Change and Edit: I can’t wait to be in a point where I don’t have to worry about money to cover my bills anymore. That is really all I ask. Either to not have any bills (which is outlandish and seriously doubtful) or to have enough money to cover the bills that I have.

*sighs* Matters of the heart? hmm… in a slowly creeping towards stability point right now. I had to take a break from Chris, because I could feel myself getting pulled back into a situation where I didn’t need, or really want to be at this point in time. So I am taking a month long black-out. No phone calls, no emails, no AIM chats. It’s rather odd, but freeing at the same time. Once I get to a point where I don’t NEED him in my life, I will be able to build up our friendship purely on the basis of wanting him in my life. Besides, this allows me to keep my mouth shut about him going back to school, because mercy knows I am good at poking my nose in where it doesn’t belong.

I was reading on-line (where else?) about the rising number of women who are becoming celibate of their own free will. The reasons that the women who were interviewed in this article ranged from ‘wanting to find themselves sexually’ to ‘sick of sex’. *laughs* I have been thinking about what my reasons are, and whether they are…not ‘good’ reasons, but worthy ones. The main reason is quite simply, I’m scared. I don’t feel like the risk of getting pregnant (again) or getting anything else for that matter, is worth the pleasure. Another reason is that, I am tired of being looked upon as a mostly sexual being in my relationships…but then that may be the fault of the type of relationship that I was building. I want to be able to be secure in the emotional & mental intimacy of the relationship, before I start tossing physical/sexual intimacy up in the mix.

Then there is my own personal issue of wanting to get back in touch with the sensual virgin I used to be. *smiles* Being able to be a sexual creature, but not necessarily having sex. There is a great power & peace in being virgin, a reserve of something that radiates. *sighs* I know that the physical part of being a virgin can never be regained…well, actually, that could be debatable now-a-days, but what I really want it the emotional and mental attitude. I think it will be interesting for me to be a purely sensual being again, and yeah, it will be a test of anyone who I am in a relationship with. And a test of me.

Stay Jazzed.

Dragging Feet

This is the poem I wrote about waiting...



waiting is hard for me
I have always waited
waited for equality
with my brothers/sisters
waited for respect
in my world
waited for pride
in myself
I have always waited
quietly , thinking/knowing
that change would came
but as I waited others too
waited
so no change came
nor would she come
drifting down from
some waiting place
change had to be called
summoned, ordered
to come
So I now demand
equality with all
respect from all
and pride for myself
it is hard for me to demand
but I'm demanding because
waiting only wastes time.

Bathroom Confessions

I have learned over the years that the most comfortable place for upsetting news, confessions, and stories for me is the bathroom. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s the whole small enclosed area thing, or maybe it’s the cool, calming tile colors that most bathrooms have. I don’t know…all I know is that looking over my life, most of the most upsetting emotional situations I have been in have been held in bathrooms.
When I told my best female friend that I was bisexual (as I woman I was afraid she would flip out a little more than my male friends would) I was curled up in her bathtub.
When I told my mother I was pregnant, I was on the phone, sitting in the middle of my bathroom floor.
When I found out that I had flunked out of Tech, I locked myself in the dorm bathroom for almost four hours and just stared at the wall.

Every since I was little I have always loved small spaces. I was a tent child, give me a sheet and a few chairs, and I would create a tiny little corner somewhere that I could curl up in with a book and a snack. Everything was quiet and perfect in my tents. For the longest I have been working on convincing myself that a whole house done in Late Bedouin tent style will just not work, but there is this little corner of me that wants a gently draped and sheltered corner that I can crawl to when life gets a little too rough. Lately, my bed has been the substitute for the tent. *shrugs* I guess pulling the sheets over your head kinda qualifies for the tent thing huh?

I have never been good at waiting. I once wrote an entire poem about just how BAD I am at waiting. Therefore this whole moving thing is about to drive me to distraction. If I KNEW when I was leaving, it would be okay…but I can’t even buy my airline ticket because I don’t know when the moving company is going to get here. And I won’t know until the 9th or 10th of August. AUGUST!!!! That will give me...oh about a week (or less) to finally put everything into gear. *groans* And then my job is really starting to get on my nerves. If I had something to do n a daily basis, it would be cool. I would run around and do my busy little bee imitation and I would be fine. But not having anything to do but either mess around online or sit alllllll up in my supervisors face and watch her put together a database is driving me CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!! If I didn’t need the money like a fish needs water I would be staying home every single day. *sighs* anything else?

I have a small…dilemma I guess you could call it. A friend of mine offered to pay for me getting my hair done as a graduation gift. I want to get my hair braided, and it will cost around 260.00. Yes, I said two hundred and sixty dollars. Now, full time job or no, I really don’t expect him to be able to fork all that over at once. However, that isn’t even really the problem…my problem is how do I come out and say… HEY! I’m ready to cash in on that gift.. can I have the money please? And oh, by the way, it’ll be close to 300.00. *sighs* And because I can actually get them myself (though it makes life A LOT tighter). it would be easy for me not to ask him. Even if he says he can’t afford it all, I can pay part of it. My issue is how do I come out and ask for him to make good on his offer, without sounding like a total gold–digger? Mind you, he hasn’t mentioned anything about this gift since he offered it… *Sighs* anddd since he is low on the reliability charts, I’m wondering if I should even waste the time in asking. *sighs* Men.

P.S. No, his ass never gave me the damn money. And yes, I did ask. *snorts* No good men....

Stay Jazzed.

Early Morning Mumbles

It’s 3:15 in the morning, and I am trying to figure out how I am going to go back to sleep. *sighs*
Tonight I didn’t even have any of the glorious lovely dreams, which was part of the reason I went to sleep. I thought that maybe if I went to sleep early, I would be able to wake up slow enough that I could remember them. Ugh. Anyhow…

Today has been a quiet day, the usual I should say. Work and home and TV and sleep. Mercy, I have the life of a dull person. *sighs* It is odd, that I am under the delusion that when I move my life will be better, but I will still be lonely and broke. *shrugs* At least I will have a swimming pool to lounge in. That raises an interesting question…what do I need to feel like I have a better life? Hmm..

starting off with a ‘life’ itself would be nice… something that keeps me out of the house, without me having to spend any money. AND that lets me interact with people. Maybe volunteer work. That is free, highly interactive, and it is just a good thing in general. Okay… that’s one thing…what else? I need some more money, and the bartender thing is supposed to help out with that. Okay….anything else? Hm.
I’m watching Sally right now (the dreadful things that are on late at night) and she is counting down the ‘Bad Boys’ of the Year…considering the year ain’t even over yet it is rather scary. I think the show should be called the ‘Bad Boys and the Women who let them be bad’. *sighs* The whole man/woman thing is amazing to me. For something that has been going on for hundreds upon thousands of years, you would think that as a collective, humans would have figured out how to make the love and relationship thing work by now. Instead, we keep making the same mistakes, and repeating the same errors over and over again. *sighs* I used to say that the willingness to kill each other for no apparent reason was what separated humans from the animals…but perhaps it is the complexity of our ‘love’ relationships is what really makes us different.

*sighs* Well….back off to bed.

Stay Jazzed