And futhermore....

I was rereading my book of poetry that I put together almost 5 years ago (mercy, how time flies) that consisted mainly of things I had written during the time I was in high school. So, basically this stuff is close to 8 years old. As I was going through it, I realized that I have a remarkably twisted view of the whole male/female relationship thing. Even before I was ever in a relationship, I had some rather, shall we say, DIM expectations of what I could expect. While pondering why this was, I realized that I couldn’t think of a single male/female relationship that I would want to emulate. I don’t know of one couple (except for MAYBE my supervisor and her husband, and I don’t know them all that well) that I would want my life to be like. In fact, *thinks* out of all of my close friends, I only know of two parent couples that are still together…and we won’t discuss the amount of joy that may or may not exist in those marriages.

My mother and my stepfather had a…interesting relationship. Most of my out & out stubbornness and utter refusal to compromise comes from me watching my mother give up almost everything that she wanted, because she was in love. And what (in the long run) did she get out of it? Nothing but experience. When I am her age, I want there to be a hell of a lot more left behind from the ruins or successes of any long-term relationship that I have been in than JUST experience. Hell, I can get that being on my own.

Let’s see….what else exciting/of interest is going on in the head of Jazzy? cuz mercy KNOW nothing is going on in my life.

Okay, brief segue here – I hate liars. I hate liars with a passion, especially when they are dumb, stupid and easily confirmed lies. If I call someplace, and ask to be connected to someone, and you tell me the person is out of the office…okay.. that is cool if you are that person’s admin assistant and are able to screen all of their calls. But please, don’t let me be able to call the switchboard and get directly connected to the person…and they are IN their office. Ohhh.. I hate dumb liars, mainly because they are assuming that I am DUMB enough to fall for that shit. *growls and grumbles*

Okay…back to the contents of my head. Right now it has started madly gibbering about money. *sighs* I can’t wait to be in a spot where I don’t have to worry about money any more. Change and Edit: I can’t wait to be in a point where I don’t have to worry about money to cover my bills anymore. That is really all I ask. Either to not have any bills (which is outlandish and seriously doubtful) or to have enough money to cover the bills that I have.

*sighs* Matters of the heart? hmm… in a slowly creeping towards stability point right now. I had to take a break from Chris, because I could feel myself getting pulled back into a situation where I didn’t need, or really want to be at this point in time. So I am taking a month long black-out. No phone calls, no emails, no AIM chats. It’s rather odd, but freeing at the same time. Once I get to a point where I don’t NEED him in my life, I will be able to build up our friendship purely on the basis of wanting him in my life. Besides, this allows me to keep my mouth shut about him going back to school, because mercy knows I am good at poking my nose in where it doesn’t belong.

I was reading on-line (where else?) about the rising number of women who are becoming celibate of their own free will. The reasons that the women who were interviewed in this article ranged from ‘wanting to find themselves sexually’ to ‘sick of sex’. *laughs* I have been thinking about what my reasons are, and whether they are…not ‘good’ reasons, but worthy ones. The main reason is quite simply, I’m scared. I don’t feel like the risk of getting pregnant (again) or getting anything else for that matter, is worth the pleasure. Another reason is that, I am tired of being looked upon as a mostly sexual being in my relationships…but then that may be the fault of the type of relationship that I was building. I want to be able to be secure in the emotional & mental intimacy of the relationship, before I start tossing physical/sexual intimacy up in the mix.

Then there is my own personal issue of wanting to get back in touch with the sensual virgin I used to be. *smiles* Being able to be a sexual creature, but not necessarily having sex. There is a great power & peace in being virgin, a reserve of something that radiates. *sighs* I know that the physical part of being a virgin can never be regained…well, actually, that could be debatable now-a-days, but what I really want it the emotional and mental attitude. I think it will be interesting for me to be a purely sensual being again, and yeah, it will be a test of anyone who I am in a relationship with. And a test of me.

Stay Jazzed.