The OTHER Green Eyed Monster

W’Jaizah,

Yeah I know, it has been ages since I have written to you, but right now I don’t know who else to turn to. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I wake up feeling him just fading out of my fingers, I go to sleep wishing his back was turned to me so that I could curl up to it. I pause in the middle of my day, shocked a gain by the sudden realization that he isn’t the huge part of my life that I wanted him to be. I answer men’s inquires to whether or not I have a boyfriend with a no that is so filled with sadness and regret that I wonder they don’t ask if he died. My heart clenches and turns and shakes in denial that what we had is over.

And at the same time I am oddly unwilling to let him know. Why? I feel like if I tell him just how conflicted I am, that will do nothing but add to his already sad state, and I am still clinging too much to being the Protectress to release the role that easily. And, if I do that , I might have to start talking about how I feel about the whole thing. How I feel like maybe she is what he needs, like maybe she fits him better right now. I have never been a jealous woman, but right now I am. I am jealous of every conversation he had with her, I am jealous of every connection they have that I can never share.

I am jealous that she knows what it is to be a survivor. I am jealous that she is a writer and an artist and can share more with him in those subjects than I ever could. I am jealous of the fact that he told her about projects that he has in the planning that I never knew about. I am jealous that he sang to her. I am jealous that they have songs they dedicated to each other. I am jealous that he called her his heart. I am jealous of every long ass late night conversation. I am jealous of the times he listened to her voice fully, while he watched TV as he listened to mine. I am jealous of everything that they share that we did not.

I love him so much that it hurts, and I wonder how long it will last. The fact that I miss him, that I wish that this never happened, the fact that I regret ending things….all that scares me. It isn’t right & it isn’t me & it isn’t fair that I found him to have him take himself away from me. And why can’t I forgive (as I already have) forget (as I doubt I ever will) and move back into his arms? Because it would be a delusion, it would be a fairy tale that can exist only because we are so far apart… both physically & emotionally.

And because he was so unaware, or at least claims to have been so unaware of what he was doing… of the simple wrongness of the fact. If he didn’t know that what he was doing would hurt if I knew, how can I trust him to be aware of other things that will hurt? If he wasn’t aware of the fact that me reading those emails would break my heart, what does he think is wrong? I can’t ask him to break off all of his emotional ties with others. I guess in an odd and twisted way, I am kinda blessed because I don’t have any of those ties left. I don’t love Mitchell that way anymore, and James has been erased out of my heart like he never existed except for me to wish him ill every once in a while. So I don’t have those left over loves that I have to break off with because I have someone in my life. He does…mercy only knows how many. Shall I even get into the reality of the Ramona thing based on this last escapade? No… I don’t want to lead my mind down those twisted paths of maybes and could be’s tonight.

I guess the problem is that for the first time the awareness that I am not all that my man needs has slapped me in the face. And it is such a nasty feeling to be insecure, to be uncertain of whether what you have and what you share is really enough. For once, I have been left behind, supplemented, and I didn’t even know I was lacking. Have I always been missing something, or was I just missing what he needed? And if I am not missing anything, why? Why did he go there?

And I really don’t know what to do with myself. I am not sexually attracted to anyone, but then again I have only really considered Jeremy, and he is slimy in a much more varied and larger number of ways. Asshole. I WANT Chris, with all of his issues, and lies, and evasions, and immaturity, and bullshitting. And at the same time because of all of that, I don’t know if I can handle him. I don’t know if I can deal with wondering what I am missing, with the doubts about myself that will be reflected every time I talk to him. I don’t know if I can handle the fact that he doesn’t seem to want to DO anything about the state that he is in. I don’t know if I will be able to handle having to pry things out of him about his life & his dreams and feeling like the damn Gestapo each time I do it.. and wondering why he won’t just share. I don’t know if I can handle pouring out my life to him, when I won’t know that he is doing the same. I don’t know if I can handle being so far away for so long…and will I be suspicious of every moment that he is not in touch?

All I know right now is that I love him. And no matter how pissed I am, how scared I am, how much I doubt myself & him, and how much I think he needs to grow, all I know is that I love him, and if he called me up and told me he was moving to Indy I would take him back in a heart beat.

Hmm… that brings up something else. Me and my damn conditions. If… IF….we ever got back together we will have to be in the same city. Fuck that long distance shit. IT allows for too much vagueness in a relationship. Damn. Maybe I can’t forgive him for it. I can forgive hi for doing it, but I can’t forgive him for alll the shit he pulled to try to get around it. And I wonder if he ‘admitted’ to doing ‘it’ because he figured that would be the only way to save any relationship between each of us and him.

*sighs* Girl I am SOOO done.

Talk to ya laters….

Jazzy.