RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw JEH today in the mall, and it totally freaked me out. I don’t know if he saw me, as I noticed him from behind, and I was walking too fast to stop so I just cut in front of him really fast and kept on going. He was with a remarkably tall girl, telling her about the mall like a tour guide. It might have been his sister, but I doubt that. How did I react… it was the classic fight or flight…as I wasn’t ready to face him (will I ever be ready?) I fled like a mad woman. My heart was racing, my stomach twisted into itty bitty little knots, and the desire I had for a vanilla milkshake (which was brought me in there in the first place) quite vanished. *sighs* Ugh. How do I feel about it? Oddly enough, upset at myself because I did not stop and face him. *sighs* I knew that he was in the city, but hey.. I didn’t really expect to run into him. I actually kinda hoped that I would be able to avoid him for the entire time I was here, and at the same time, I wanted to run into him. *sighs* Avoidance is not a good thing. *sighs*

That moves me onto another thing…in one of the entries I lost I talked about how my emotions have seemed to be spinning out of control, and after a long talk, I realized that this may actually be a good thing. I was complaining about how I couldn’t write unless I was hurting, and I realize that it is because I would only let myself fully feel hurt. All of the ‘good’ things that went on in my life I only let myself feel partly because I didn’t want to feel the full burnt of the pain that would come as soon as the good feeling ended. *shrugs* And I wondered why I couldn’t write…I was blocking a lot of what I could be feeling.. in order to feel only what I could control. And now, it feels like I am just feeling everything. It is utterly terrifying too. And somehow comforting too. I feel like I am getting in touch with me, and she is such an unhappy woman.

So…I have some emotional goals for myself. I want to be able to just come out with what I need to say, even if I can’t say it to the people involved, at least I can say it here. I want to give myself permission to fully feel joy, fully feel pain, fully feel everything in between. I want to immerse myself in life. I want to let the beat seep through me, fill every corner of my heart & mind until I just can’t NOT dance.


Stay Jazzed.