My Little Sister was on Big Brother...

..well, at least she was on the premiere episode. Guess who she was? The half country black girl who is William's girlfriend talking bout ‘We gon make us some money’ *shakes head* she will NEVER be able to live that one down. *shakes head* Finally, something on TV that makes we want/need/madly desire a television. But since my mother & grandmother love me, they are sending me one. Oh look! something else to keep me in the house, solitary & somnolent. But I am not going to bitch about that because it is my own fault. Ugh.

Anyhow… (this indicates a segue)
I have not been wounded in a way that I really have to actively seek healing from, and it would be rather ludicrous for me to even try to claim that I need healing. I need time & space to dull the ache, but healing? *shakes head* I don’t know. I need something along the lines of healing but not…I need change. I need a shift in how I do things… how I relate to things, and I am not sure how to put it into effect. I know where I am, and I know where I want to be…but the path between the two is sooo fuzzy that I can’t even presume to figure out where it starts. Things outside of myself I am quite skilled at going for, setting up a plan, following through & handling that plan, and then moving on to the next big thing to solve/handle. But when the issues & changes are dealing with something that is within me… for some reason I just can’t get a grasp on it long enough to say “This, this and that needs to be changed into that, this, and the other, and this is how to get there”. I am so good at organizing other folx houses, but can never manage to set my own in order. This is one of the reasons that I decided to start living in truth. I thought that maybe if I stopped lying to myself, I would be able to discern how I could get to where I need to be clearer. So far, it hasn’t been working. I have long ass list of what I need to change, of what I would LOVE to be different about me…but I have no clue how to shift it. *sighs*

I am just angry. I was walking down the street today and a sudden feeling of utter rage swept over so strong that I had to pause and sit down because I was trembling. I really don’t want to deal with this anymore…but I think I might need to scream. Or beat something. Or maybe I just need to take a quick jog. Or go to the archery range and practice. *deep breath* the best thing for me to do would be to go swimming and just stay in the water until the 30% of me that is not water got a little liquified…but until I can find a pool I will just

Stay Jazzed. (it ain’t as easy as it looks)