The Hermitage

I was sitting in my bed this morning, fighting to go to sleep, and I realized that I am the lonliest person I know. I feel like through every stage of my life, I have managed to lose the people who I could be totally and truly myself with. As much as I love my sister, she is so busy that I can’t really turn to her as much as I would want to. And as for the rest of my friends, well…they just aren’t really ‘there’ for me. And I understand why I fight so hard to keep the few good friends that I have, because they are so fucking precious to me. And it is just so overwheleming to realize that right this second, there is no one I can call and let them listen to me cry, because there is no one I am comfortable with crying in front of. So I sit here in front of my computer, hunting for some contact with anyone outside of myself…and I wonder how the hell I got here. What have I not done right in my life that has left me so alone? I know that I am an independent cuss to be so damn young, and that I don’t really have a family, and that my friends are few and far inbetween…but why? What am I doing wrong?

I don’t have a support group in my life. My trees have all been dying…and I started out with so few in the first place.

life should not
be lived
alone
my tree is only so strong
and in times of storm
i ask not to lean
merely to be listened to
in times of drought
i ask not to be held up
merely to be sympathized with
in times of plenty
i ask not to hoard
but to share with the
forest surrounding me.
where have all the trees
gone?


Am I too hard on people? Do I expect too much? Or have I built up the hard, free, fierce shell so well that no one can see or believe that a needy, emotional woman exists inside?

What do I need to do different? Am I meeting the wrong people? Am I not meeting enough people? Am I too old to form the kind of friendships that I need, that I want, that I envy other people for having? Is it because I had a half crazy step father? Is it because I have lived in fear of hurting for so long? Is it because I can be uncommunicative at times? Is it because I have absorbed the myth & mystique of the strong black woman?? What is it, and how can I change it because I can’t keep going through this alone.

I wish I could just unmake all that has happened in the past week. Ignorance would truly be bliss.

(i’m trying to)
Stay Jazzed.