Karma Punch

I have done some uniquely fucked up shit in my life. I have broken up with lovers over the phone because I needed more freedom, when all I really wanted was to get some new dick. I have slept around like my name was Holly the Happy Ho. I have lied, stolen, cheated, and broke hearts left and right. And I do believe in karma.

I never knew that karma doesn’t come back to you in the same way that you violated it, it comes back to you in the way that will hurt YOU the most. Over the past 4 months, I have lost two friends of nearly five years, to some shit that I have not only never done, but never would do to someone who I called a friend. With one, I got pregnant and as both the father of our child and as my ‘best friend’ he left me in the lurch.
With another, I have been bullshitted and played with so much that I couldn’t even try to put together the pieces. With both, there is a level of hurt & heart-pain going on that is unbelievable. Yes, I STILL fucking miss JW. I wish that I could call him up, and bullshit about the little things, like how bad the X-man movie is going to be, or whether he has managed to get tickets for wrestling events…or how school is going. Little shit that I can’t turn on my own self to do.

I miss Papi already… I was talking to someone last night, and we were asking each other what we would do if we won 100 million dollars. Out of nowhere the answer ‘Form a fellowship for artists and writers’ came out of my mouth, and I thought… when I get home I am going to have to ask Chris how that could be best done. Then my stomach convulsed and I realized that I won’t be asking him much of anything anymore.

For myself…beyond all of the emotion filled previous entries, I need to put down what happened in my eyes to cause this break.

1) He DID not tell me that he was in a relationship with AG when I was in MD. While they have both said that I should have ‘figured it out’ from their diaries, it seems to me that there are certain things that you should not have to ‘figure out’. If a friend of mine came here, got me cornered in a book store, and attempted to swap saliva, and I was in a relationship, I would have had to bust out like Eryka Badu and say : ‘Maybe next lifetime’, cuz I GOT a man/woman/whateva. Even if I had told that person the day before, the night before, the hour before, they would have known that they were stepping on somebody else’s stuff.

2) His explanations have all been about other people misunderstanding him. When I pointed out the fact that SINCE AG said nothing about changing up the status of their relationship until the Tuesday AFTER I was in MD, and our relationship STARTED while I was in MD, that clearly, he was lying to the both of us. His response? ‘Our relationship didn’t start then. All that stuff we talked about was just hypothetical.’ Oh…so he just HYPOTHETICALLY loved me, he just HYPOTHETICALLY wanted to move to Indy with me, he had just HYPOTHETICALLY been wondering what I was looking for when all along it was right there in the form of him. Damn me for thinking that we were talking about something real that had to do with the state of my heart at the time.

3) The fact that he never said anything about me in his diary. I find it an interesting commentary on his state of being that he can talk about everything that hurts him, but something that brought him so much joy and peace and love as our relationship did, he couldn’t be bothered to mention. I had always found it odd, that the alternate name of his diary had not changed, but I gave him the excuse that ‘Oh, he just hasn’t thought about it’, and for some odd reason, I kept forgetting to ask him why it had not been changed. I found it odd that on his page in BP, he had this long passage about AG, that he never bothered to change, and once again I made up the excuse ‘Oh…he just hasn’t gotten around to it yet’. Why did I let myself NOT see the signs that all was not just friends and buddies with her? Because I TRUSTED him enough to believe that he would not lie to me.

4) And that brings me to the last, and most important reason that I had to let go. Yeah, AG’s forwarded emails (thank you) helped me. Yes, reading Nefertitti’s email helped. Yes, reading her diary and looking at all the dates helped. But the thing that pushed me over the edge was the realization that he cannot be trusted. Even if all he did was lie to me (by omission) about the fact that he was in a relationship when I was there. Even if all he did was lie to her (by omission) that the chances of their ‘time out’ were ever going to turn back into a time in were slim to none.

The main thing that turned me away was that his history of cheating on his girlfriends is well documented. And I don’t want to invite a viper into my house. I should have remembered what is going to become my number one law in dealing with men. ‘If he cheated on her with you…what the FUCK makes you think he won’t cheat on you with the next woman who comes along?’ And that, added to the fact that all this shit is just wayyyyy to far on the shady side for me, lead to my choice to cut him loose.

Anyway you look at it, he cheated on AG with me…any way you look at it, he cheated on Sam with AG, any way you look at it, he cheated on Sam AND Daiyy’ah with me. All the other stuff becomes a little bit more minor after those facts.

Stay Jazzed.