The Fish had to die.....

Perhaps all I really needed was to get out, to relax for a bit, and get a good nights sleep without anyone who is involved in this nasty tangle chirping in my ear. The flip-flopping has stopped, and I am without a doubt on the side of the flop. I realized something last night, which decided me without a doubt.

I told Papi that I love him enough to stay with him, all this shit not withstanding, that I was willing to give him a second chance. Perhaps that makes me a fool, and over the last few hours, I have thought & considered and turned it every which way…and something has come out and bit me square on the ass. The only reason that I want to stay is because I love him. As a friend, I can/could deal with all of his little odd ass quirks, and all of the issues that he needs to work out. As a partner/lover, that shit is too damn stressful.

I added up a list of pros & cons, mentally checking to see, hmm… what is keeping me here with him and what is not. The list was so weighted on the cons side that I had to step back and see if I was like that because I am pissed the fuck off, or if I was like that because it was the truth as I saw it. Thought & conversations later, I realized that this is the truth as I see it. That if I stay with him, what I am basically saying to myself is ‘Okay Papi, my heart is clinging to you too much right now to let go, so I am going to give you some other chances to disappoint me, to hurt me, to lie to me, to bullshit me, and I am going to let you keep doing this until my heart finally throws up its hands in surrender and says fuck this.’ That is not smart, nor loving to myself.

Over the past few months, I have been through more emotionally wrenching shit than a little bit, and I don’t need anyone in my heart who does not have my best interests at heart. I don’t need anyone who can play (because no matter what he says…I let him do some stuff that I should have known better about) me, and tweak my heart strings like that. I am still trying to come to a point where I can trust, and no matter what did or did not happen, I can’t trust him anymore.

I can’t afford to be with someone who every time he gives an excuse as to why he can’t do something, I am thinking in the back of my mind…is he bullshitting me or is this truth? I can’t be with somebody that cannot accept responsibility for his own life. I can’t be with someone, who is forever making excuses, and never taking action. I can’t. And I thought I could, and for that I am sincerely sorry.

So what shall I do now as far as the relationship/friendship goes? Humph… he might seriously be pissed the fuck off at me for a while, because I am going to be spitting some truths that are going to hurt, and really, it is about time that somebody told him what he needs to hear. If that is the case, *shrugs* I have valued and enjoyed our friendship, and I will just have to chalk this up to a learning experience (don’t try to get involved with friends…it lead to bad juju all around). If he can handle me being as blunt and as honest as I know I can be…then we might be able to build something up out of the chaos that our relationship has become.

*deep breath* Finito. I’m done. Amazingly enough…now I am nervous about going to Indy…perhaps it is just a side effect of the realization that once again…I am alone as fuck. After JW abandoned me in a tight spot…I felt like a lost child in a very large world. Now…I don’t feel lost, my heart just feels like it needs to go on a sabbatical for a bit. And I am not in the least bit angry. I’m tired, strained, sad, hurt, and confused, but not angry. I came into this with a white hot flame of emotion in my heart, an I leave with that same flame lit up, but now contained.

Stay Jazzed.