Class, Dismissed.

Every time I encounter something that can be considered as nothing but a gully in the road that I thought my life would take, I learn something more about myself. Sometimes they are bad things, sometimes they are good things, and sometimes, they are just things…new facets of my personality that is brought to the forefront of my consciousness.

What have I learned from this past gully? I have learned that I am without a doubt, the type of person who once a decision is made, it is done. I don’t chew over it, I don’t mull about it, and I don’t try to second guess myself. I make the decision, gird myself to handle the repercussions, and move on. I have not yet figured what kind of things this is. Does it mean that I am too quick to decide? Does it mean that I am mildly inflexible? I’m not sure…but I am sure that I will find out more and make a better call on this as time goes on.

I noticed this about myself during the abortion, that once I had made the decision to have an abortion, it was made. I was done with it, and all that remained was actually going through the procedure. I still don’t regret it, and don’t think that I ever shall. It’s odd, because I truly & deeply regret the fact that I got pregnant in the first place, but I don’t regret having the abortion. I do however feel that I have to make up for it somehow, but that will be the topic of another entry.

I have had it brought home to me once again how much I treasure my friends. I HAD to let go of JW, because not only did he coldly abandon me in both of his aspects (as the father of our child & as my friend), but also he never even tried to make amends. Papi on the other hand…*shakes head* amazingly enough, this in my mind has boiled down to a series of misunderstandings, miscommunications that everyone has apologized for. Thus, I am going to do my damnedest to insure that not only do I keep him as a friend, I become a better friend than I have ever been. And I expect the same from him. We will most likely get sick of each other pulling the other coattail, but as I told him in an email, that is what REAL friends are for. They let you know when your shit stinks, and don’t let you delude yourself into thinking that it smells like roses.

What else? I have learned that I have within me the capacity for amazing and free love. Never before have I been so…settled so comfortable in the ‘arms’ of my partner. Never before have I been able to settle down, and be comfortable with that settling. I know that a good bit of it was because I was settling with Papi, and a good bit of it is that I have grown up and into a state where I can be able to settle. I honestly never thought that I would be able to reach this point, and to say that I am overjoyed is an understatement. I would not give up the events & emotions of this last month for anything, because I don’t think I have ever felt such a pure love & joy.

I wish that there was a term to contain all of what I have learned. Baggage has such a negative connotation, but that is what it is. Baggage, things that I carry with me and treasure someplace inside of me, something that whoever I encounter next will have to live with & learn to love. Shall I call it wisdom, and leave it there? I don’t know…but perhaps that is something else that I am slowly learning. Not everything can be capsulated into a singular term/phrase, and sometimes a single word has pages of meaning behind it that change depending on who is saying it.

Stay Jazzed