Concluding Notes

So, I can think about things a lot more level headed, a lot more open minded than I have been able to at any point before now. First it was because the shock and hurt at what had happened was just so great think I simply couldn’t think straight. and then, my period hit, and I am the most unbalanced, weepy, melodramatic person in the world then… so anything that I would have said or thought would have been totally *thinks* inaccurate , and subject to change. So now, I have three things to do.…
1) Decide how I feel about the situation as it occurred
2) Decide what sort of relationship I can pursue in the future
3) Be sure that he is interested in the same sort of thing
4) Execute my plans…

Well…. part one I have handled. *sighs* How I feel about it? At this point, I am still hurt, still intensely disappointed, mainly because I had let so much of myself out, and I had become so wrapped up in this one person that the awareness that he wasn’t totally wrapped up in me too hurts. Basically, at this point I am jealous as hell. *shrugs* As much as I have prided myself on not being a jealous woman, *shrugs* I am. As far as how If eel about him… *shakes head* he needs to grow up. I still think that we need to try being together *sighs* but that now is just not the right time. He has so much more that he needs to do with his life, on his own. And I know that being the semi-aggressive, bossy woman that I am, a lot of it would have been my own nagging and pushing and prodding and poking that would have pushed him into doing what he needs to do.

That kinda segues into the next part, what sort of future relationship I am willing to pursue. Right now, nothing more than friends. Simply put, I know I can’t deal with more, and I don’t think that it would be fair to ask anymore of him then that he grows and develops as he needs to. However, at a later date in time, when we are both more mature and prepared… *smiles* I still think that we can make lovely music together.

Does he agree? I have no clue… I haven’t had a chance to really sit down and talk to him about it. Considering I have just gotten my head together, I haven’t been able to grab him for the amount of time that is needed Will he agree? I don’t know…. if he does agree that we can/should try again later, I will be happy. If he doesn’t… *sighs* ah well, I will just have to accept that some things you only get one chance at.

So.. next comes the execution. *sighs* talking about it. Ugh. I hate talking about emotions…*shrugs* one of my downfalls I guess.

Any way… I have majorly serious money problems. *sighs* I am going to have to ask my mother for some money… perhaps even the use of one of her credit cards, and I REALLLY hate that. Mainly because I should have known better, and secondly because I just hate asking her for anything. Mind you, the card is more or less mine, and I have to pay the thing off anyway.. but it is just the fact of asking her for it. *siiiiggghhhhs* I really want to be grown up & on my own and I keep doing dumb stuff that I should avoid. Ugh. I really thought I had it all covered, and now this. *siiiigggghhhs* Oh well, another healthy helping of the humble pie coming up.

anything else? I have starting writing on a daily basis, or I guess I should say a nightly basis. Nothing major…in fact it is a lot more casual than what I write in here. As I was ‘prepacking’ I uncovered a journal that I bought ages ago… one that basically asks you through a series of questions to recount the high & low points of your day, along with a page to just write whatever. I have been writing in it every night for a bit, and it is nice.

I still have problems going to sleep every night…but *shrugs* I don’t know….maybe I am getting TOO much sleep.. even though I still feel tired all the time. *shrugs* *sighs* If I didn’t know better I would think I was pregnant again. But anyway, writing in there gives me a chance to settle my mind and clear my head so that as I lay my head down.. I can go to sleep. It hasn’t been working very well though. *sighs* Even the heat isn’t helping me go to sleep, which is usually my best sleep aid. *sighs* Oh well.

Stay Jazzed.