The Litany Against Fear

I love the Internet. It took me all of 5 minutes to find it. : )

I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

The Mind Killer

Hmm… personally I think that the fact that they only asked us to talk about one fear is distinctly unfair. I am going to list my top three.

I would eliminate the fear of being hurt. The fear of being let down once AGAIN by someone I love.

I would eliminate the fear of not fitting in. The fear that everyone is staring at that weird chick in the corner.

I would eliminate the fear of failing. The fear of being that weird worthless chick in the corner.

What could I then do without these fears? I honestly don’t know. I might be able to live life a little more freely, more boldly, how I want to. I might not have to hunt for outside things, like the perfect outfit, and the flyest makeup, and the best hairdo, to cover up the intense insecurities I have about being that weird chick. I would feel better about me… I would be able to just be ME. I would be able to love freely, like I have never been hurt and will never get hurt. I would have a lot more hope in me about life in general.

But then…without fear, life would get pretty dull wouldn’t it?

There is a mantra/chant that always stuck with me from Dune…the book that was for a long time my bible, and that I have picked up several habits from. It has been QUITE a while since I read it (mainly because my book fell apart and I never bought another one) but it goes something like this:

Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death. I will face my fear, and when I turn to see it’s path in my mind eye, only I will remain.

I’m going to find the actual quote and see JUST how off I am.

It’s amazing how short my theme entries always are.

Stay Jazzed.

Return To Innocence

I am calling for a return to innocence. Maybe I am bitter because I seem to have missed out on the times where friendships could be created between the sexes without the sexual tension/dynamic/whatever you want to call it being there. But dammit, I am just tired of it. I don’t think that I am trying to repress my sexuality, in fact I gave up on that idea while ago. I am just trying to expand who I am far enough so that my sexuality becomes only a very small portion of who I am. * sighs * I am rambling.. and not really getting to the meat of what I am trying to say.

I suppose if I start with what irritated me, and work from there I might figure something out. I met this guy online tonight, who had seen my personal ad. In the ad I clearly state that I am looking for friends. Okay… well and good. He emails me, I IM him, and we get a nice little conversation going on. When I tell him that I am single, liking it, and plan on being that way for a while, he decides that all I need to give up the idea of this whole single thing is to run across the right man (obviously him). Ugh!! It’s starting to bug me, mainly because I keep running across this attitude, that I am just waiting for the right person. Really… I’m not. I am not looking or waiting for anyone. I just want to be alone, single, uninvolved, for a period of time in my life that will let me grow. I look forward to meeting the man of my dreams, and I look forward to getting married and having kids and raising a family. All of that I hope is in my FUTURE. Right now, I don’t want any of it. The man…the relationship, the kids. NONE of it dammit. And there is not a damn thing wrong with that. * sighs *

So I want a return to innocence. I want to be surrounded with people who are at a place in their life where the first question out of their mouth is not ‘ Are you single?’ . I want to be at a place where I can have male friends, without having to worry about them making plans on me, having intentions towards me or anything else.

See.. this is why most of my male friends are gay. That way, I don’t have to go through all of this crap. * sighs * I think I want to have my cake and eat it to. I want to be a sexual being, who inspires sexual feelings, and yet find people who are evolved enough to merely acknowledge it, and then leave it alone. I always feel completely lovely & completely sexual & totally feminine around my male gay friends. Why? Because they acknowledge who I am as a whole, and then leave it alone. Am I asking too much of straight men? * sighs* Who knows?


Stay Jazzed.

8/22/00

Hmm... just a few quick notes.
Work is going well so far. I will be in training for the next two weeks, so I get to ease into my job.
I have met a few cool people...so I don't think that I will be stuck with the folx in my group (almost all gray heads).
They are giving me a laptop. Ain't that nothing?

I have been so tired the past few nights that the thought of actually sitting down and writing like I need to is unrealistic. I have also noticed that I am getting really sensetive to my sigar highs and super low lows. *sighs* Hopefully my body will adjust to the new schedule soon.

Am I scared? Not really...nervous yeah. I don't want to be slow, but I don't want to be the smart ass youngun either. *sighs* I (IMHO) know ALOT...and I am damn good at making connections between things. So, I learn & pick things up quickly. How can I express that without seeming like a kiss-up or a snot-nose? I'll figure it out. Perhaps just by example?

I am still in love with my house. The only thing that casts a shadow is it is cold as hell. THat might be making me more tired too.
I really want a car now. Really I do. I might get one sooner than I planned. Maybe.
I'm still optimistic & excited as all get out. Is this really living?

Stay Jazzed.

Musical Interlude

That was FUN!!!! I am just getting back in from the Amel Laruiex (I know I just butchered her name) and D’angelo concert.

*sighs* Soooo much fun. I had been nearing about it on the radio, but I wasn’t sure if I was going to go. I called the box office today, and there wrre still tickets left, AND the concert was less than a block away from my house, so I figured why not?? : ) Oh man… soooo good.

It was kinda odd being there by myself, but after a point I was so into the music it would have been a waste to have some there with me…especially if they wanted to talk. After this I think that I might have to get both of their CD’s. *sighs* Mo’ money Mo’ money. Anyhow…. I dropped a suitcase on my foot last night as I was unpacking and ripped a big ole chunk of flesh out of the side of my pinkie toe, so wearing shoes was a LITTLE painful…if that hadn’t been the case, I would be at the after party…but my feet were warning me that after standing through the whole concert…there was no WAY they were going to be doing anymore dancing. ; ) But… on the way out I ran into one of the cool folx from Lilly that I had my interview with, and she gave me her card. *sighs* This whole human interaction/friendship building thing is ODD. Anyhow, she gave me her card, so I might be able to get some inside stuff from her.

The whole personals thing is going well… kinda sorta. There are only two guys that I have heard from that I think might be cool…and I am not sure a bout them. *sighs* Anyhow… I figure there is never any harm in trying, only in the refusing to try.

Okay… I’m cold & sleepy so I am off. Hopefully my foot will feel good enough tomorrow so I can wander around the AfricaFest.


Stay Jazzed.

I've been DEBBOR!!!

8/17/00 (11:12 pm)

I went out today to figure out how to get to work and to get a watch…and when I got home I had been ROBBED!! in reverse. : ) I walked back into the house and there were boxes & furniture EVERYWHERE. Kinda odd, but cool to. So I spent the rest of today unpacking. All of my stuff got here in one piece, expect for my TV, which for some odd reason hasn’t gotten here at all. : ( I still haven’t set up my computer because I know that once I do that most of my working enthusiasm is going to go out of the window and I am going to immerse myself in the world of the web. So I am not going to set THAT up until tomorrow.

I went to Broad-Ripple today, which is the cool/artsy part of town. Cute little kitschy shops, and lots of bars and restaurants. I am assuming that is where the hip parts of town hangout. But while I was down there, my decoration scheme became solidified in my mind. Neutral colors for the big things, and brilliant splashes of bright & vibrant colors in all the accessories. And lots of glass and dull silvery metal. VERY contemporary. And since I have so much light in my apartment, it will work well.

I realize why I don’t feel like I have moved. I’m STILL in a big city in America. They are all so similar….I have to find out what makes this city different, what is unique about it. And I’m not going to be able to do that in the house… *sighs* which means I am actually going to have to get out. I know that I ma going to the African festival which is on Saturday, but other than that I have no clue. I considered going to the state fair, but I am not realllllly ready for THAT much culture shock.

I went grocery shopping too. There is this cool grocery store about 4 blocks from my place, and I think that it is REAAAAALLLY expensive. Since it IS in the middle of downtown, and seems to cater to the gourmet taste & lifestyle, I’m not really surprised, but I need to find a Kroger nearby. A sista has limits. And speaking of LIMITS! I want to get my nails done, but the prices they are trying to charge in this city is OUTRAGEOUS! 70.00 for a full set? 25.00 for a FILL IN?? *groans* The cheapest I have seen so for has been 30.00 for a full set. Me. I’m used to 12-16.00 fill ins and MAYBE 23.00 for a full set. Hmm… I am going to have to go to the hood and find the Asian shops in the strip malls…they will most likely be a little more reasonable.

*sighs* I am almost done unpacking…. I just have a lot of clothes to hang up and stuff like that….but I am tired so I will deal with it tomorrow.


Stay Jazzed.

Chit-Chat

8/16/00 (in the doctor’s office) 1:02 pm

The urge was great for me to break my self imposed ban & call him. After my mother he was the next person I wanted to share the simple glee of being in a new place with, and for no other reason than he was & still is a good friend. I have started to miss talking to him, and with a mere 9 days left, I suppose that is a good thing. I still hold the faint hope that at some point in the distant future we might have something worthwhile, but that hope is a rarely considered thing because I am so fully aware of the pitfalls and the travails that will have to be overcome before such a thing can be.

I must remember that the phone is a powerful thing, and the connection reaches both ways. Somethings are too precious to be ignored, and others have to be ignored to grow.

Hm. I think that I will get some plants to take advantage of the lovely windows sills I have.

Maybe I need therapy. Is it okay to go to therapy not because you have a particular problem/issue, but just to talk? I wonder if therapists ever feel like whores, being paid to do something (listen) that in a better world would be free. hm.

Stay Jazzed.

Hola Indy!!

8/15/00 11:59 pm

Well, I’m here. I simply love my apartment, such a HUGE change from where I was before. I mean I KNOW I can make something truly beautiful out of this place, no problem. I haven’t done anything today (here) just washed the huge amount of dirty clothes I brought with me and pretended to unpack.

Flying first class is simply the most wonderful and jazzy thing. : ) *laughs* I will never be able to look at that little packet of peanuts the same again. Money provides you with so much.

I have been on the phone all night nearly, calling those who are near & dear to me to let them know about the new digs, and to pass out my number, and to share my joy. I almost shy to talk about this place because it seems/feels so damn extravagant it’s scary. Like I skipped a step in the socio-economic ladder. But I WILL make it… and make it will.

While wasting away those two hours in Hartsfield, I bought this book called ‘Hot Relationships’ that supposedly gives you the skinny on how to develop and keep a relationship going. Most of it is amazingly obvious, but she does have some good points, like HOW to argue. Anyhow, as me thinking about relationships usually does, I got to thinking about my ‘men’ and their unreliable trait.

I realize that I am NOT a demanding woman, and honestly, I tend not to ask for much. But when I do ask for something, it is because it is important to me, and for it (whateer it is) to be shuffled aside is a wee bit off-putting. Also, I am a firm believer in the power of no. If I don’t want to, or am unable to do something for someone, I will tell them no, and prefer to be treated the same way. For someone to tell me that they will do something, or (mercy forbid) VOLUNTEER to do something for me should mean that I no longer have to worry about it, because it will get done. Why does it seem like this is so rarely the case? In my next relationships, I am going to keep a tally sheet to see if I am tripping, or if what I feel is what is really going on. It just might be that I remember the times when his word was NOT kept more than I remember the times that it was.

Hm. I think that I will go and get a library card tomorrow, along perhaps with posting this stuff if the library has some decent computers going.

Stay Jazzed.

Adios Atlanta

8/15/00 (in the airport) 5:05 pm

Well, I’m leaving. It still hasn’t quite hit me that I’m leaving. That I won’t return to the tiny ghetto apartment I have made home for the past year and a half. I may never see the ‘vodka bottles’, or turner field, or Spelman again. Maybe it’s because I don’t think I am really leaving. I’m transferring for a bit, to give myself room to grow & change and make some money, but I will be back. This city is more home to me than any other place I have lived in. I have memories here, connections here, acquaintances here that I will never be able to forget. Besides, I LIKE this city dammit!
So for, everything is going well. I got my full security deposit back, so I have plump cushion of funds to work with. I didn’t leave anything in the spotlessly clean house (though I do think I forgot to lock the back door). I have a bottle of white zinfandel in my bag to toast my new beginning, and some incense to smoke the place up with. I’m comfortable, calm & confidant. I might be growing up…finally.
I have big plans, and the only thing that can hold me back, is me.

6: 20 pm

there is a fierce and
tender power
in the first lift of
wings
the moment
when
metal and rubber and
human ingenuity
become a

miraculously airborne wonder.


Indy….here I come.


Stay Jazzed.

8/14/00

Hey Everybody!!!!

The moving folx came a day early, and I feel completely lost. No computer, no TV, no bed, no books. *groans* This is like my own little personal hell. So, I broke down and came to work just to give myself something to do, and to access the web. Mercy, I love computers. Having to pick up my check is really a secondary matter.

Well folx...my plane takes off tommorow at 6:00pm, and I will be computerless until most likely frday(and bookless, and bedless, and TVless *sighs*) so I will talk to you guys later.
Oh yeah...I'm getting excited now. :)

*hugs*


Stay Jazzed

Moving on...

*smiles* all is well, and I am mostly at peace. I’m moving on Monday, flying out of town on Tuesday, and I got my hair done. Mind you, that friend that was supposed to help me out, didn’t, but really…I’m not in the least surprised. In fact….I would have been more surprised if he had actually kept his word. Umph. Is that one of those self-fulfilling prophecy kinda of things? Because I tend to expect men to disappoint me, they do? Or is it because I somehow seek out men who are inherently unreliable? Or is it just that most men are shady, and I haven’t met enough men to have increased my statistical pool to the point where I have a chance of finding one of those rare reliable souls? *sighs* I don’t know, but I am really not stressing it.

Anyhow…all I have to do now is clean up the kitchen, finish packing my clothes, and wait for the moving guys to come. I’m not nervous… I’m not excited, yet. I am one of those people who doesn’t get excited or stressed until the last possible moment. I will most likely get excited and nervous when I am actually about to get on the airplane. And once I get there…well. We shall see when I get there.

Anything else going on in my life? Nah…nothing else new. I’m still lonely, still sleeping way too much, still reading those damn romance novels (though the last few have been written so badly I couldn’t even get through them) , still watching TV and marveling at the commercials. I have been trying to watch music videos, but it seems like none of the music channels really play music videos anymore. They have a schedule that seems to consist of everything BUT music videos.

Anyhow…I have noticed that all the music videos seem to be all about sex, sex and more sex. Even the female performers have more semi naked women in them than anything else. And it doesn’t seem to matter what genre the music is in either. Hm. I have always used music videos to find out what is considered sexiest now. For awhile, all kinds of women were in there. Light, dark, short, tall, plump, skinny, short hair, long hair, braids, perms, naturals, nothing,. But now… the standard of video ho has seemingly returned to it’s lowest level. Tall, skinny, big breasts, long hair, and a lot of times, rather….hmmm.. multiracial shall I say?? I have seen more Asian, Indian, and ‘other’ VH’s in video lately than anything else. *smiles*

Another result of the whole global economy thing?

Umph. I think I am going to go & take a nap now.

Stay Jazzed.

the disconnect

Okay - to start.... I stepped to the other side this evening - just got back and took my shower. FAB-OU-LOUS man - a cop. Is there anything sexier than watching a cop peel out of his uniform? *fans self* I soooo think not - old enough to be my daddy too. Umph. And FIONE. Lord HELP me - so fine. Ate me out like there was no end in sight......then fucked me once - spanked me too - yum. *sigh* Anyhow, I like Sgt. *puurrrr* But - *shrugs* I mean, it was fun and all while I was in the moment - but afterwards - *shrugs* I shed it - the whole experience, the sensations, the pleasure of it - like water off a ducks back. It just *shrugs* it made no MENTAL impact on me.

And I was thinking about that - afterwards, as I went grocery shopping, and as I was taking my shower, and I was thinking about it as I put away the groceries - and I think I've come to a conclusion.

My mind just isn't ENGAGED during sex. I mean - It feels good, and it's exciting, but - *shrugs* it leaves no impression on me. I mean, I can do it, and turn around and look at it and say *shrug* ohh...that was nice. I'm not sure if it's really a physical/emotional disconnect (which it could be, as I've never associated sex/physicalness with love, nad maybe that 'minor' disconnect has spread deeper) or if it's a mental/physical disconnect (which is even more likely, as my brain and my body don't play well together in any area of my life). I don't know why what should be a soul-touching experience is just SHED like a fart. *LOL*

Seriously....that's what it is. A fart. A wet, juicy, front-facing shuddering fart that releases some pressure I might not even have been aware of, and is gone in the wind. Hell, a good massage leaves me feeling better than sex does. Swimming leaves me feeling better than sex does. Lifting WEIGHTS leaves me with a more long lasting feeling of satisfaction and pleasure than sex does - and I'm not talking about your average 'yawn' sex. I'm talking screaming, moaning, shuddering, sweating, multi-orgasmic, leave a wet spot on the SHEETS wet sex.

So - with this awareness, what can I do to 'reform' the connection? I think that my current focus on my own physical fitness/health will help - at least I won't be ignoring the physical side of myself like I have been the last 23 years. What else can I do? I think I should read 'Peace is Every Step' again - it focuses on teaching you to focus on your every action without thinking about the next - it teaches you to just BE in the moment. But - I think that I AM in the moment so...maybe that won't help as much.

*sigh* I just - forget about it. The feeling, the orgasmic potential, all of it. I can't REMEMBER most of my sexual episodes - not cuz I've had so many - which I have - but simply because - *shrugs* it doesn't leave me with much of an aftershock. Let me think - I remember sex with Samson.....I remember ONE particular episode with Jc (my first MMF threesome) ..... I remember my first sexual episode (with a guy and with a girl)..... and I think that's about it. And I've had a HECK of a lot more sex than that. Sheesh.

I think that if I could better remember and more - vividly - remember how GOOD sex is I would be more interested in GETTING more of it. It's rather like never HAVING a sense of hunger AND never remembering how good food is - you'll eat, and enjoy it, but once dinner is done - it not something that you would spotaneously want to do again. *sigh*

Themes and Worries.

This is actually something that I have thought a about a few times….actually more than a few times. If a fire/flood/hurricane/police attack ripped through my apartment and destroyed everything in here, what would I regret most no longer having? Oddly enough, the only thing I would miss having is my writings. All of the scraps of paper that I have poured my heart & mind onto for the past ten years of my life. Everything else I have in my house, money can re-buy. Yeah, I would miss the books, I might cuss about the computer, losing the camera might make me cringe ( I TOTALLY haven’t gotten my money’s worth yet), and I could be minorly pissed about the CD’s, but really, all of those things would pass. The only thing that I own, that I can’t just throw money at to get back and I would REALLLY miss is my writings. I don’t have that many pictures of myself, so that isn’t a major loss.

Hm. I really need to put them all together, maybe burn a CD with all of my work on it, and them stick it in a safe deposit box. Am I going too far? maybe…I’m not sure yet. I know if I ever write a book , or start writing it, I will keep the manuscript somewhere away from my house…just for safekeeping.
Ah. I just finished writing my final for my CG class. That had to be the absolute biggest load of bullshit I have ever written in my entire life. Ah well, all I want is a C. Really.

I think I am going to have to actually go to this stupid school and get my damn money. *sighs* I am really going to get underpaid this pay period. *siigghs* Well, I will at least be able to pay my rent and some bills. The hair thing is still up in the air. *sighs*


Stay Jazzed y’all…..

Life Instructions

*smiles* I grabbed this from someone else's diary, and I thought it was rather wise & nice.


Instructions for life:

Eat a lot of brown rice
Give to people more than they expect and do it with grace
Learn by heart your favorite poem
Do not believe everything you hear, do not spend all you have and do not sleep as much as you would like
When you say "I love you", mean it
When you say "I am sorry" look at the other in the eyes
Keep an engagement of at least six months before getting married
Believe in love at first sight
Do not ever make fun of other peoples dreams
Love deeply and with passion. You may get hurt but it is the only way to live life fully.
In case of disagreements be fair.
Do not offend
Do not judge others by their parents
Speak slowly but think fast
If someone asks you a question you do not want to answer, smile.
Remember that the biggest loves and major successes entail greater risks
Call your mother
Say "bless you" if someone sneezes
When you lose, do not forget the lesson
Remember the three R's: Respect towards yourself, Respect towards others and Responsibility for all your actions
Do not allow a small misunderstanding to damage a big friendship
When you realize you have made a mistake, correct it immediately
Smile when you answer the phone, who calls you will hear it in your voice
Get married with a man/woman that likes conversation. When you are old, your ability to converse will be more important than any other
Spend some time in solitude
Open your arms to change, but do not throw away your values
Remember that silence sometimes is the best answer
Read more books and watch less TV
Live a good and honourable life.
Later on when you will be old and you will remember the past, you will see that you will be able to live it a second time
Trust in your beliefs but lock your car
A loving mood at home is important.
Do everything you can to create a loving, harmonious and relaxed atmosphere
When in disagreement with your loved ones, give importance to the present situation
Do not bring up the past
Read between the lines
Share your friends, it is a way to reach immortality
Be kind with the Earth
Do not ever interrupt one that shows you affection or kindness
Take care of your business
Do not trust a man or a woman that does not close their eyes when you kiss them
Once a year visit a place you have never been before
If you make a lot of money give to help others while you are still alive. This is the best satisfaction that good fortune can give you
Remember that not obtaining what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck
Learn all the rules and then infringe some
Remember that the best relationship is the one in which the love between two people is bigger than the need you have for one another
Judge your success in relation to what you must renounce to obtain it
Love and cook with some abandonment

Stay Jazzed

Mother Love

*sighs* talking to my momma always makes me feel worse and better at the same time. I am already in a funky mood, between money stresses, being lonely as hell, being stood up repeatedly by somebody who I thought was a friend and then reading too damn many black romance novels, too say that my wish list of my life is huge and most definitely in the front of my mind. All of the things that I want, and that I KNOW I am going to get, it is just a matter of taking the time to work through my plans and make it to that point. H

However, patience has never never been my strong point, and I want my life to be better and I want it to be better NOW. *sighs* *deep breath* I think that I will get int o doing yoga too. *sighs* I need to be able to release the desire for material things and live with joy & peace. Like the gospel song says “Count it all Joy” . Some days, even with all the madness that is going on, that has gone on, that will continue to be going on in my life, I will try to count it all as joy. Whether the event itself, what I learned from the event, the repercussions of the event, or just the wisdom that going through it gave me, I will count it as joy. Ugh…..even as I bitch about it, I will try to count it as joy. *sighs*

I hate love stories. *sighs* Especially romance novels. I need to meet more people. Not for love, but just for loving-kindness, like Eunice in Heinlien’s I Shall Fear No Evil . *sighs* The freedom to just be *sighs* myself… easy & free and giving & gentle & happy & easy & loving and.. *sighs* just as huggy and touchy feely and kissy as I want to be WITHOUT it being so damn sexual. *sighs* I know I was a cat in another life, and I am still in my kitten stage. Kittens curl up with any other kitten they can find, and not because they are in heat, but just because they LIKE being with others. I totally understood Brittany & the Love Bed on Big Brother. *sighs* I need a snuggle bunny.
ugh.

Stay Jazzed.

Worry Wart Poems

loving you freely
without any fear
loving you is easy
even tho
you ain't really here
never have i been hurt
by you
you have never caused me tears
all the pain I felt from you
was to prepare me for your
coming here
loving you is easy
child of my flesh
i wait for your coming
and pray you forgive me your death

---

balanced on a wire fine line
between hope & despair
frozen in the stillness
walking over empty air
i dare myself to fly
and see the view from down there

---

Okay...I am stressed stressed stressed. I am like the queen of planning & preplanning and having my plans laid out and cemented in stone. However, due to the fact that my plans hinge on OTHER people doing what the hell they are supposed to be doing, I am mildly stressed. I STILLL don't know when the movers are coming, I am not sure that the 'friend' who is supposed to be hooking me up with braids is really going to pull through, my refund money for my rent for the next two months still hasn't come through, and NOBODY is returning my calls.

*deep breath* And I'm broke. And I keep getting these freakish little flash headaches anytime I move too fast or lift something. What if I have brain clot or something and I will be dead in two days anyway?? Then none of this would really matter would it? And the fact that I am tripping over minute problems in my life would not be able to compare to the regret that I would have that I didn't spend these last few days having FUN. Relaxing, breathing, not being stressed about petty shit. But where is the line between not stressing over stuff and enjoying the minute by minute parts of life, and not stressing and screwing up because there is no plan b, c, or d? *sighs* Okay...really I am not the worrying type, but that is usually because I have everything under control. *sighs*

Anyway...the two poems I posted I found in one of my carry about journals, so I have no clue when I wrote them, except that it had to be some point after Good Friday of this year. The second one I think is a remake of one I wrote years ago on a scrap of a receipt that I found as I was pre-pre-pre-packing. I like the second one much better than the first, mainly because the first one seems a lot more rambly and general than the second, which is short & tight.
The first one could be called an Plea to A lost child, and the second one I want to call humility, because it feels like it's telling me to get off of any highhorse I could ever have conceived my self to be on, and look at the world from a more humble view. Eh...are you allowed to find the symbolism in your own work?

Stay Jazzed.