Thankful things....

Thanksgiving started out fabulously - the drive there was easy (though I got snarky over the last hour, as I always do on long trips)

The food was wonderful....

The fellowship was fabulous..... ETA: from left to right - leon, Nee, me, Tam, Corey - all friends - family was too shy for the camera - but we LOOK related, don't we?

And I cried a little - just a wee bit - when it was time to leave.

The trip back was good...... until it wasn't....around 5:30am on Sunday morning - in Bumfucksnitty, E. Tn we were looking for a place to pull off and have breakfast and switch drivers and in the blink of an eye.......ETA: We actually aren't sure HOW it happened - we're thinking that C dozed off for a second, causing us to drift off the road, and he overcorrected and we spun, and hit a tree - the tree caused all the damage....

But I'm fine, and Corey's mostly fine (he was driving, and just ended up with a few bruised ribs) - and we get to pay off some bills, and I get to buy a new car and.....well....

I'm just glad - so very glad - unspeakably, cryingly, praising all that is and shall be glad that WE are okay. Cars are metal and glass and rubber and steel - and as much as I liked it - it compares nothing to how much I love my hubby and myself.....

I've got more to be thankful for than I have to NOT be thankful for - screw a car, I would want to die without my husband.

Kiss the ones you love today - a split second could mean its the last chance you have.

HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY!!!

To all my American Friends - eat well, be merry, be thankful, try to NOT physically harm the relatives....


I'll see ya'll on the other side of the Month!!!!


Smooches!!

The latest update....

This is a comparison shot of my dye damge. The first picture is the left side of my head - my texture there is a wiry, tight 4b - and as you can see, almost ALL of the dyed hair has broken of in one patch - this is my constant reminder to myself of the reasons for protective styles, as well as how BAD of an idea it is to bleach/dye my hair chemically.
The right side on the other hand, is 4a like the majority of the rest of my hair - and you can see the difference in how it looks - the dyed hair has not broken off nearly as badly, and it's about 2-3 inches longer than the broken up off side.
*sigh* DYE IS BAD, M'kay????


This is a shot of how my hair would like to stand - straight up. Mind you, in order to get my hair to be this stretched out, it took about a 2 hour combing/detangled session (despite the fact that I had detangled/combed it before putting it into twists) but - I LOVE combing my hair with the horn comb so much, it wasn't even all that bad. Yes, I was bored.



This is my usual hairstyle - from the side and from the back. Really, I don't think my part is THAT huge (I hope not) - I think the flash is just really bright against my shiny hair and scalp. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah. And I'm slowly learning how to keep that back part straight - but the soft, fuzzy, 3c hair back there - well, it's difficult to keep in place.

hair wise - I fell asleep in the cassia last night (I know, I know) but rinsed it out first thing this morning - or at least rinsed MOST of it out. As I expected it was HARD to rinse out, and when I first rinsed it out, I couldn't really tell a difference in feeling - I could see that my curls were looser again like the first time I henna'd, and I THINK that my ends are a little more brown than red now - the amla, I assume - but couldn't tell much else.

I then put in the DC - SE V05, citric acid, and a wee bit of CASH - and I only left it in for about 3 hours, then rinsed THAT out.

WOW! My hair felt GREAT - it was a PAIN to comb my hair out still - the tangles, the tangles - but once I got them loose, they stayed loose....and then, I split my hair into sections, used some HH and then a lil BS on each section, and twisted them, then twisted them into baby bantu knots. I figured that if I let them dry that way, it'll be easier to flat twist my hair tomorrow. After I had that all bantu'd up, I soaked my hair in some CASH, and started chores. It's been about two/three hours now, and most of the oil has been soaked into my hair.... I figure that I'll add more HH tomorrow and then flat twist them - it should keep my hair nice & soft....

Anyhow! My hair feels nice & strong again - I realized that I missed my 'piano-wire' hair!! I'm thinking every six weeks is a good amount of time - maybe alternating henna and cassia??

Gah. Back to chores......

MErh.

Have been meaning to write for a few days, but just plain haven't - don't know why - I might be hitting one of my quiet times.

Let's see - I tried my usual Wednesday DC - oil, honey and conditioner, and STILL ended up with dreadfully tangled and rough ends. I think now that either I'm using too MUCH oil, or my ends are crying out for a good trimming. I REALLY want to wait til next month and do it by the moon, but I'm not sure that my ends can really handle that - at least not without some help.

So! I'm sitting here right now with a nice thick amla/cassia/CASH/conditioner mix on my head - the cassia I got a while ago in a swap, and it's old, but I figure that it should still give me a nice bit of conditioning, and hopefully thicken & stregthen my hair. I purposely made it PRETTY darn thick, so that I could focus it on my ends more than on my roots - I think I've learned my lesson about henna/cassia & my roots. It's a good bit grittier than the henna from mehendi too - so it'll be 'interesting' to wash out...

They suggest that you only leave it on for an hour - Murph! I think I'll leave it on for about two-three hours, and then do a nice DC overnight with my new conditioner that I got today - it's V05 Split Ends conditioner - it claims to protect hair from breakage and split ends, and is cone free - and was MONDO cheap at Family Dollar, so I'm stoked about that.....though - I'm thinking that since it has protiens in it, I most likely shouldn't put any honey in it - after reading RainKitty's thread about 'flaky' results with honey - I'm thinking that mixing honey & protien might not be the BEST idea for my hair right now. So - just con and CASH and citric acid - and just a wee bit of the last two!

Ah! That's what I wanted to talk about - I did a swap with EbonyGurl000 and got more Whipped Pudding (WP, how I :love: thee!) and some Burnt Sugar Pomade. Now, the BSP does NOT smell like caramel - which is kinda what I was expecting - and I wasn't really sure how I felt about the smell. Finally - I figured out what it DID smell like - caramelized/burnt HONEY. With that awareness, I'm digging the smell a little more - it's VERY strongly honey smelling. And I love it, by the way - I smooth it over my flat twists after getting out of the shower in the morning, and tie my hair down for the drive to work, and my hair is sleek, shiny, and smooth for most of the day - longer if I can keep my hands out of it!

I've put together most of my SHT's goodie box - I REALLY hope that she likes this stuff - I STILL haven't gotten the centerpiece, but I emailed the person I was getting it from, and she SAID it was in the mail, so I'm hoping that it'll be here Saturday - or maybe Monday. *crosses fingers* Hmmm - I need to find a box to put all this stuff in.

*grins* Have a good weekend!!

Historically Speaking.....

So - I was digging around in my old files, and stumbled across this - and since it HAPPENS to be on the same day (jsut seven - SEVEN!!!!! years ago) I figured it would be cool to post it.

Loving U....aint't easy.... - 11/16/99

Yeah.. I'm at work Again....when else would I be able to write in peace??

I had a most interesting conversation yesterday...about falling in love & being in love. I was talking to one of my friends who is sprung...in love.. head over heels. Her man is her life, her heart , her soul. She has said quite often that she would not want to live without him, and that she is in a constant state of depression because he is in NYC and she is here. Okay...well and good. That is lovely and all for her, but when she tried to say that that is what being in love is all about. And at that point I bust out with... " I think that i am too independent to ever fall in love." * laughs * I nearly had the whole computer lab in chaos, as all these women tried to tell me that falling in love doesn't mean giving up who you are, it just means a blending of you and somebody else. * sighs * And yeah, I listened to what they had to say, but all of them were talking about how they started doing things what they never thought they would do... and I asked " That isn't a change of who you are?" they said that I would do these things without thinking about..simply because I wanted to...but why would I suddenly want to do something that I never wanted to do before...because I was in love?? * rolls eyes * Somehow.. I think not. And I don't think they understood what I was trying to say. What I was trying to say... in my own brief words was: I am unable to give of myself fully...I am unable to let myself go all the way. I analyze everything to see how this affects me . My boundaries of how far I let anyone into my heart have been set in stone, and it will take a lot more than love to break them down. I have fought too long and too hard to be my OWN woman to suddenly turn into a creation of someone else's love. And sometimes I regret that...a lot of times. Sometimes I wish that I I couldn't be so coldly analytical, and that I could let emotions run me for more than a few days. But I can't... or at least at this point in my life I won't. Why? *shrugs * I got burnt rather badly as a child... * laughs * Yeah.. I'm blaming this one on my 'parents' cuz going through 3 divorces between the same two people doesn't inspire precisely the greatest faith & trust in love. Going to shelters and cars and other folx houses cuz love led you there...doesn't quite inspire the security and comfort that I want in my life...so I opt out of that whole falling IN love shyt. I love... *nods * oh yes I love totally and fully and with my all. But I love as *thinks * as a part of me that is extended. My love is not so tightly wound around who I am that it can't be released without taking parts of me with it. I love as part of a feeling that I have FOR a certain person...but if that person was gone... I would not be destroyed within myself. I guess that is why I tend to treat my friends and my lovers so much the same. I am not willing to give anyone a higher status.. because that means I would have to do more than just love this person.. I would have to let that person inside of me...let them roam around the solitude that I call my heart..but I want to keep those rooms all to myself... letting no one else in...I need a place to retreat to that I can always call all mine own... created by me for me...and I let my heart be that place. So...yeah... I think I am too independent to fall in love. It requires a amount of change and rapture that I am not warm enough to see. *laughs * as my girlfriend says... 'caught up in the rapture' I *sighs * I ain't strong enough to endure the pain of falling OUT of love... so I never let my self go to fall In in the first place. *sighs * Maybe if I just once saw a happy love affair... that lasted till death did them part... that STARTED and ENDED with them still IN love..and not having gone to them just 'lovin' each other.. I might have a little more faith. But until the fairy tales start to come true... I will stick to loving those who deserve my love...and not fallin...for nothing.

Stay Jazzed.

---

Scarily enough, even afterh aving fallen head over heels in love, and having been married for three years - I still can't really disagree with the 21 year old I was then. I KNOW that there are parts of me that I don't let C into - and every day, I judge what I do for HIM means to ME.

*laughs*

I DO, however, do things for him that I would never have pictured myself doing for someone else - just because he likes it. I'm SO giving, and SO loving, that - I can't really hold back giving to others - I just hold back on giving MYSELF to others.

I think that sometimes, THAT is why I'm so - freaked/eager to have a child - because I think that will be the event that really shows me a hint of the expanse of my love.

Hah! And Hah!

We aren't going to talk about Nano, and that's all I have to say about that.

It's rained everymorning this week - and since it's only Monday, that's not saying much - but at least the sun peeks out a tiny bit for around 15 minutes at roughly 2pm - when I'm usually in some meeting or another.

I got measured yesterday - and I've lost FIVE inches from my waist - not so much from the hips (like a 1/2 inch) and hardly anything from the boobs (1/4 inch - no suprise there) - I'm turning back into an hourglass.  I'm still - meh - about my progress rate. I know, I know, it's only been eight weeks, but STILL. I'm desparately fighting the urge to eat LESS - I know that I'm barely eating as much as I should now (we aren't even going to TALK about my protien intake) and eating less isn't GOING to help - so. Breakfast is GOOD! Dinner is better. Yum.

I've been busily domestic diva'ing it up over the last few days. Over the weekend, I envisioned, measured, purchased, and put together 10 window insulators. You know how people usually put plastic over their windows in the winter for insulation? We have teh old house, so we really did need to do that - but 1) I hate taping stuff to the windows - we have enough nice days that sometimes we might WANT to open the windows in December and 2) I'm far, far, far too cheap to consider having to buy more plastic EVERY year - besides it being utterly environmentally heinous. So.  I built wooden frames, attached the plastic to them, and put foam all around the outside, so that they fit snugly in the window. Easy, inobtrusive, cheap, easily removable, and can be reused until the plastic rips - and then I'll jsut have to fix that one....so YEAH!!

The other thing I have been working on has been installing the sewing machine into one of the sewing tables that I have. It's been a riproaring, growling swearing, cheering experience, I'll say that much. I strongly suspect that I'm doing this the HARDEST way possible, but hell, it's fun. I have to swing by Home Despot this afternoon and pick up some shorter screws and a couple of wingnuts and something else (I made a list) so hopefully, I'll be able to finish installing it tonight, and then be able to clean it and get it working tomorrow.

I've found that I REALLY enjoy putting stuff together/installing stuff/fixing stuff. It's - fun starting with a bunch of STUFF, and ending up with something - functional and useful and CHEAP. Mwuauaahhhaaa!!

Though, I think I might turn into more of a tool queen than my hubby  - I finally gave in and admitted that yes, we could use a dremel tool (and a saw, and a sander, and a better drill, and a worktable, and........)

I've already figured out the first thing that I'm going to make - a simple floor pillow for my 'nook' upstairs.

Ummm... what else? Getting geared up to go to my mommy's house for THanksgiving - I'm excited - looking forward to seeing my mom and my grandmom and friends..... It should be loads of fun - more fun than we would have at the in-laws, that's for bloody sure.

I think that's it, guys and gals...... let the sun shine in.....

Amazing! I actually didn't write at all over the weekend - but that was more because I was barely online over the weekend - I was busy with all sorts of household chores. I didn't get NEARLY half as much done as I wanted/needed to, but ah well.

A few random thoughts/observations....

*) I was washing my hair Sunday night - working BS & condish through it, and it jsut - didn't FEEL right - my hair ran out before my hands thought it should, and I realized that really - I went from shoulder length hair to a pixie cut, and it's going to take me a while to adjust to the fact that my hair is SHORT. I think that's one of the reasons why I love have my hair put 'up' - I can't really tell how long it is, so it feels as long as it should be, which is about twice as long as it is. If that made any sense.

*) I'm sure that my curls are conspiring against me, as my hair is longer now than it was in that 'fresh from shower' picture that I took all of last week, and I KNOW that my hair hasn't GROWN that much, therefore my curls are jsut hanging looser in order to highlight the silliness of me trying to measure it's growth. It'll hang differently depending on whether it's dry, clarified, freshly conditioned, what sort of conditioner I used, etc, etc, etc..... *gives hair a loving glare* Difficult! Just like me! :)

*) Something in my last batch of DC did NOT agree with my hair - I think I either overdid the citric acid, or the CASH oil does not like to be used in conditioner. The ends of my hair were - gnarly - to say the least. It could have been that the baking soda lifted my cuticles, and sleeping on the wet gave them a chance to tangle and become generally grumpy - once I rinsed with cool water though, they smoothed out MOSTLY pretty nicely. So - my next DC will be condish, honey, and CASH - just to see if it's the CASH - though, something TOLD me to put less CA in it. Well - I can't say that it's done any harm - my ends seemed to calm down rather well once they were rinsed out....so we shall see.

*) Another glorious thing about my hair - it's SHINY. I mean - it SHEENS. And okay, it might be the Humectress (which is making a FABLUOUS leave-in, by the way), but I twist my hair up, tie it down with a scarf to tame all the flyaways while I'm driving to work, and when I get here, it's - SHINY. Heck, my hair is shiner than most of my coworkers - and I'm the only one with 'nappy' hair that isn't 'supposed' to be shiny. *sighs* Internal health & hair products (thank you henna!!) really can achieve some amazing stuff.
Speaking of henna! I went to the local halal market to pick up a pack of pita bread, and saw a bottle of henna sitting on the shelf - it didn't have a date on it, but it was only 2.49, so I figured- why not, right?? I plan on trying it on my skin - that's the best way for me to tell how 'potent' a henna is - how dark does it dye my skin, and how long does it stay? I should dye my fingernails again....

*) Someone started a thread asking 'What does long hair' mean to you? - and I wanted to keep my answer here:

Honestly - I think that I am not all that invested in my hair - it's not a sign/indicator/ flag of anything to me - my refusal to get a relaxed has nothing to do with me trying to 'demonstrate' my blackness - jsut like me getting (and taking out) my locs had nothing to do with 'spirituality'.
I want long hair because it feels RIGHT to me - whenever I think of myself, I see myself with a LOT of hair - thick and luscious and long. It's sensual and nuturing and warm and smells wonderfully of me....it's - so very very natural and so very very gorgeous and so much mine. And since I'm a black woman - and usually the refrain is 'The only way you can have long hair is if you relax it or dread it' - and I'm stubborn, and happen to ENJOY being contrary and proving people wrong - just because it's fragile doesn't mean it'll never grow! -so - I'm growing long hair because I love it, and because I want to learn about it, so that maybe I can show other women (and my daughters) what CAN be done with gorgeous, LONG, nappy, natural hair.

So! I remembered what the other thing was that I wanted to type about - trimming.

Usually, when I twist up my hair, I can tell that it needs to be trimmed because the ends will be really thin, or they won't 'spiral' all of the way. This time though, when I twisted my hair - it was well - it didn't LOOK like it needed a trim. In fact, the ends were actually in purty darn good condition. I remember the day that I look at my hair and groaned that it needed a trim, it was fresh out of flat twists, and I'm wondering if the shrinkage factor just made my ends look to' up from the flo' up. I'm hoping that what it was - not that I mind trimming - it's just nice to see that keeping my hair in a truly protective style is good for it.

Oh yeah, let me pause for a second here and go into a brief rant about my people, my people.
I SWEAR - if I hear one MORE black woman get all defeatist and STATE that her hair won't grow I'mma - I'mma SCREAM. *sigh* It seems like such a simple thing to understand - let's say your hair only grows to neck length, right? And lets say you dye your hair. NOW. If your terminal length is TRULY neck length - you won't HAVE to 'grow' the dye out - the hairs will just shed, and be replaced by new, undyed hairs.....so you won't see the slow, creeping roots, and you won't see the dye slowly vanishing. Same thing with a perm - if necklength is your TERMINAL length, you won't get an even distribution of NG - hairs will just grow nappy. Now. NOW. If NEITHER of these things happen (ie, you GROW OUT) the dye - then guess what? Your. Hair. IS. STILL. GROWING!!!!!!!!!!

Now. The fact that you can't RETAIN length is something ENTIRELY different - and it's something that can be corrected by using the right products, techniques, and styles.
And please, just because YOU can't take care of your hair (or choose to NOT take care of your hair) in a way that RETAINS every scrap of growth, don't tell otha sistas that they are 'obsessed' for trying to grow their hair or that a goal of barely 20 inches is 'unrealistic'. Just say that YOU aren't willing to learn how - and work towards growing your hair out.
Back AWAY from the haterade.
Damn.

*deep breath* Okay - with THAT rant out of the way - I still want to trim my hair with the moon, but now, I'm not sure how MUCH to trim. I still have the ulta short section on the left side (which is definitely growing out - but ALL of the dyed hair has broken off in certain areas *strokestrokelovelove*), but I'm not trying to even all my hair up right now - it's going to have a be a GOOD bit longer before I start doing chops like that - and heaven knows, as much as I would like to, doing a 'dusting' well - um, no. Not on these curls.... though, if I twisted em up, I might be able to pull that off. Well, I've got almost 5 weeks to figure it out, so we shall see.

Yesterday's twistout rapidly downgraded itself to a hot mess - the combo of sweating my arse off in the gym and then going home and 'playing' in it for an hour or two - well, no. I hopped in the shower before I went to bed, got it soaking wet, and slapped in some White Rain. Showercapped up, and went to bed. Got up a wee bit early this morning, combed it out (and the love affair with the horn comb CONTINUES - seriously - all of my combs are in the cupboard except for the horn one (which I keep wanting to call a bone comb) and I'm thinking about attaching a leather strap or something to it so that I can hang it - right now, it's in my conditioner mixing cup) and parted it to put into my flat twists. I used a wee bit of the Humectress as a leave in, and *pats head* my hair - despite being totally dry - is still 'slightly damp soft'. I'm liking it - and I used the TINIEST bit - so that's cool to know that it's nice as a leave-in.

*happy dance* As I'm typing this, I have a new PM - and I just KNOW it's about the Oyin trade (score!!) that EbonyGurl000 and I am plotting on - I can get some of the tempting, tempting, tempting henna out of the house, and finally bust into my cocoa butter, AND swap out the NTM that I know I won't use because it's fulla cones - and I get OYIN! Whipped Pudding and the Burnt Sugar Pomade (which I have been ITCHING to try since I read about it, but I'm trying to control my purchases....) *happy dance*

Ummmm...... I think that's it.

Have a good weekend (like I won't be writing sumthin else tomorrow!)

*happy dance*

Isis very gracefully gave me permission to use her siggy pic - this is what I'm hoping that my hair looks like at SOME point - this is about my color, and I suspect that this will be about my texture - even without chemicals - once it's THAT long, and wet.

Isn't that jsut LOVELY?? *sigh* I've got so far to go. But, like I tend to say - I'll either be older or dead - and if I'm going to be older, I might as well work towards being the woman (inside AND outside) that I really WANT to be.

It's amazing how my twists go from mildly fuzzy to VERY fuzzy in a matter of hours - I think it's the water rinse that I do every day to 'freshen' them up after sleeping on them. They looked rather nice yesterday morning when I left the house, but by 3pm, I wished that I had a hat or a scarf or SOMETHING to cover them up. I suspect that no-one else noticed (or cared) but I felt like everyone was staring at my head and wondering why I left the house looking like I had been plugged in all night.
Anyhow, I got up a WEE bit early this morning (ugh! another reason to hate DST - my biorhythms are thrown off for at LEAST a month) and untwisted my twists - then got them wet so that they didn't look totally crazy. It's really interesting - my hair held the twist AMAZINGLY well - esp. since I normally can't get it wet without losing the 'twist' curls. My hair looks like I did tiny strawset curls on it - almost like twists, but SO Much fuller - I can almost pull off thick hair with this style - it looks like I doubled the amount of hair on my head. *sigh* I'm going to go and change my hair thickness to ii as well - *sniffs and strokes hair* I'm aiight with it though, I am, I really am. I think that twists will be a once a month hairstyle though - my ends are SOOO not protected in this style - I've found more fairy knots since I've had twists in than a little bit - and I've Oyined my hair twice while they were in the twists - but since I didn't do my usual Wednesday night DC - I can definitely feel the difference - and after wearing it totally loose today - I'm thinking about doing something mild to it tonight (maybe misting it, and giving it a good oiling) and then doing my usual weekend wonders tomorrow night.

Hmmm - it's only Thursday, but I'm already thinking about hair plans for the weekend. I've been reading reviews of Humectress on LHCF and I think that I'm going to try out the sample bottle I have - but I'm undecided as to whether I should use it as a leave-in, or as a conditioner. Henna is also starting to call my name - Kiyyyaaa - oh, Kiiiiyyyyaaa - it's been five weeks already - come and useeeeeee mmeeeee!!! You can just put me on your eeeennnddddssss *shakes head firmly* I'm quite stubbornly ignoring it - SIX weeks. SIX, dangummit. But even when I do use it, I'm going to just glop it onto my head, and not bother with using the applicator bottle to be sure that I get to my roots. After the freaky splits, I think that my hair was telling me that in it's NATURAL state, it's QUITE strong enough (ThankyouVERYmuch) and doesn't need anything to make it stronger, so THERE. Whereas my poor bleached/dyed/knotted ends need everything they can get in order to stay attached to the rest of my head.

I've been dousing my head with my CASH oil/CASH creme (the oil, mixed with a healthy few dollops of the Honey Gel I made before) almost everynight this week...it doesn't tingle much - and I used a LOT of cayenne. I'm thinking I might need to invest in some EO - though, some of the gals over on LHCF have been talking about *LOL* basically rubbing IcyHot on their hair....the capsizin creme that they sell for muscle aches? I've heard of all sorts of uses for that creme (including some rather naughty ones) but NEVER hair growing.........hrrrm. I'll have to think about that one. I wonder if my hair has gotten used to the tingle, as other sections of me (like the back of my neck) tingle QUITE nicely, thank you very much.

*LOL* That reminds me - one night earlier this week I had the ODDEST series of hair-related (and TLHC related, really) dreams. First, I dreamt that I had gotten a private message from icydove telling me that my SHT decided that she didn't want to be my friend because I wanted to have kids and she was barren and she just couldn't handle talking to me (and I don't even TALK about TTC all that much cuz - well, we aren't really TRYING just yet).
Then, I dreamt that I went to my favorite thrift store, and they had gotten in this HUGE shipment of hair oils/EO's/hair toys, and I was buying up most of the store for gifts for my SHT.
Mind you, this had to be some way out point in the future, because I had a HEAD of hair - I have one of those 'does my bun look fat in this' buns - and my hairsticks kept falling out, and the people in the store thought I was stealing stuff because I kept sticking my hairsticks back in, and my hair was eating them and then spitting them out later.
*blinks*
I'm going to incorporate that WHOLE last bit of that dream sequence into my NanO somehow - hair toy eating hair... yes, yeeessss.

Urm. *thinks* There was something else that I wanted to type about....ah yes!! I've found my hair goal - I've seen her here and over on LHCF - and I want to ask her if I can yoink her siggy pic so that I can post it here as my ultimate hair goal. Everytime I see her hair I just - I WANT it, basically. It's a wild wonderful wooly cloak of goodness. Actually, I think I will PM her now.....

buhbye!

If you don't like creepycrawly things....

run far, far, far away  - and run now.

Okay - you can read this part first... then run.  Mwuauaauauahhhhaaa!!

So, right - I had just gotten home from work, working out, and stopping to see my hubby at work so that I could pick up our house keys, as I had locked myself out of the house.....

Anyhow!! I was sitting back, kicking it, doing a lil work when I saw something crawling across the floor. Mind you, I was a good 3-4 feet away (sitting on the couch and all) and I could SEE that this sucker was hairy. Now, thanks to A, my Nashville friend who's dad was an entomologist (dude who studies bugs), I've been slowly overcoming my - general squickishness/stomping urges - towards anything with more than four legs.

So - I got the bright idea to not only capture this crawling creature in a container (the better to release to the wild, you know) but also to photograph it, so that I could actually look it up on What's That Bug, and you know, educate myself - because as I like to tell my clients (client) - ignorance breeds fear. I got up and looked for a container (with a lid) and ended up with a jelly jar - a glass jelly jar. I took the lid off, and laid the jar on it's side, and tapped the lid on the floor to encourage the little (relatively speaking) bugger to run into the jar. After catching it - I admit, I slammed on the lid, and waited for him/it to calm down a bit (ie, stop trying to escape by climbing the walls of the jar). Eventually it/she calmed down enough (or got sick of sliding down the side of the glass) to stay still, and I realized that taking a picture of something small and dark in a glass container with a flash was a very, very bad idea. I ended up creating a mini lightbox with the strategic placement of a flashlight, and many many bad words and heartstopping moments when I thought it was going to levitate out of the jelly jar through pure irate pissedoffedness.

I had used What's That Bug previously to identify a Golden Garden Spider (also known as a St. Andrews Cross Spider for the distinctive 'cross' that their HUGE long legs form) that was kicking it outside of my front door - HUGE spider. HUUUUUGGGGEEEE. But - ya know, non-poisonous, bugeater, and really - pretty as hell, all yellow and white and black and decorative. Now - this current bugger (hehehe) wasn't really all that cute. In fact, it/she was really the sort of thing alien monsters are made of. In fact - it had a freaking SKULL on it's back. Yeah. Think I'm crazy?? (this is your last chance to run)....

.

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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See the skull? Okay, okay, maybe it WAS a face - but I'm just saying!!! Big! Hairy! do you see those JAWS!!! And, as I was taking pictures (many many pictures - though, I didn't mind too much, as I  finally figured out how COOL the digital macro function on my camera is), he/it eventually stopped moving around, and stood in one spot, and STARED at me. You see those little buggy eyes? Seriously. It was coming up with different ways to grow much, much, MUCH, larger and eat my head.

Finally, I got a few good pictures (and just as my battery was dying too) and I carefully put the lid back on (because just because it had been tame for so long was no indication of its future domesticity) and went onto the front porch and tossed it out of the jar and into the bushes by the front door.

I know, I know - spiders don't have memory, but I insist in believing that if I treat the spiders right (releasing rather than killing, consiously avoiding webs, commenting on how pretty the Golden Gardens are) then they will treat me right and not lay eggs in my ears.

So, once it was safely outside (and the doors were locked) I investigated, and discovered that it's some sort (most likely ground dwelling) of North American Jumping Spider. Can I briefly comment on how GLAD I am that this badboy did not JUMP while I was sitting the camera on top of a barely 2 inch high jelly jar to take pictures???!!??? *fans self* I've never fainted, but I may have screamed, scrambled backwards, fallen over the couch and cracked my head open. Though, checking Wiki it says that the jumping spiders can USUALLY climb glass rather easily - so, I don't know. Wiki also comments on the fact that the little buggers will WATCH you (they are thinking about eating your head, I SWEAR!) so - maybe it is.

Since that's an actually pretty darn good picture - I'm considering submitting it to What's That Bug, and seeing if they can pin down the genera (over 500) and specied (over 5000).

As soon as my skin stops doing the creepy crawlies.

And ya know, I'm the one who WANTED to live in the woods. Ummhmmm.

All I'm saying is - the humans run the INSIDE of the house, ya'll run the OUTSIDE of the house. Take care of the mosquito problem, and we might be able to share the carport/garage.

I Will Not.....

be self defeated. I will not expect things to happen instantly. I will not allow not seeing the success that I want now to give me a reason to give up - if I give up, I'll NEVER see the change that I want. 

Instead, I'm going to challenge myself more. I'm going to push a little further, a little harder, a little stricter. 

I'm seriously - sweet mother of god - seriously considering going back on Atkins.  At this point, I feel like I have the physical activity side DOWN - I'm working out at LEAST 3 times a week (on a bad, bad week) and at BEST 5 days a week.  I'm doing cardio AND weightlifting. I'm - I'm doing that right. 

Eating, on the other hand? Meh! Gah! Ugh!  I'm eating SO horribly - I'm eating REGULARILY - which is certainly a change from how I normally ate, but WHAT I'm eating? *shudder* I hang my head in shame, seriously. And - okay, maybe I don't need to go as strict as Atkins, but I HAVE to set up a 'plan' around food.  It's so much easier for me to exclude than it is to include - which isn't a good thing, but it's me. 

Umm... I need to copy this rant/thought stream on working out/losing weight here - it gives a general view of how I'm feeling.... 

---

 My ass is still - wide (hah! it hasn't been not-wide since I was 6!) but - I'm actually starting to ENJOY working out more. I can't say that I look FORWARD to it - there's always a little debbil sitting on my shoulder, asking me in sweet sweet tones whether I would really PREFER to go home and crash on the couch and burn my brain away with television - but once I get there, and once I get changed - it's - it's - good. I'm enjoying challenging myself (dammit! forgot to bring in the 8 pound weights from home!), seeing myself progress (I did 40 minutes on the treadmill Wednesday - and not 40 lesiurely minutes either - 40 sweaty, heartpoiunding, felt funny walking once I got off the treadmill and sucked down a bottle and a half of water minutes - and I felt GOOD - 2 months ago, I was sucking wind through 12 minutes!) - but..... I'm not seeing the changes in my body that I want to. Now, I KNOW that because I'm doing some serious weightlifting, that I'm going to get bigger before I get smaller, and I'm going to gain weight before I lose it, and I'm NOT doing this to see instant results - I'm doing this to be better and faster and stronger....but all I'm saying is that when I get measured week after next, if I haven't lost at LEAST 2 inches overall (which ain't much - really, that ain't much at all) I'm going to leave, buy an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's, and eat it with delighted, luxorious slowness - and then, take my ass right back to the gym to the next day.
The thing that scares me - the real devil lurking in the back of my head - is that the reason that the weight is creeping off so very very slowly is that there is something 'wrong' with me - PCOS, hypothyroidism, pre-diabetes, and that I'm simply sick, and I'll never be able to get knocked up without many rounds of fertility drugs and I'll be fat ALL MY LIFE.
But then, I have to remind myself - I'm SO not eating as cleanly (or as much protien) as I should be, and that I didn't gain it all in 2 months (more like 20 years) (okay, okay, 10 years), and I'm not going to lose it all in 2 months, and I can't be impatient because it's a slow gradual thing, and because most of my clothes are sacks anyway and I haven't worn pants in months (I've worn pants twice since it's gotten colder and they feel - ODD on me) so I don't haveany thing with a 'tight' waistline to compare my waistline too because I'm still too fat to even dream of trying on any of my skinny clothes and therefore I could be changing and I wouldn't even know it because the scale LIES and.......................
And I have muscles in new places and I can run up and down the steps a couple of times without losing breath and I'm stronger and can open bottles and hammer nails and drive screws without feeling like my hands are going numb and I'm sleeping better and I feel sexier and I think I actually have a metabolism now and it's slow - and it's minor - and I can't see it on my ass (yet) but I know it's coming. It's gotta be coming.

I've never looked forward  to someone wrapping a measuring tape around my ass THIS much before in my life.

nbsp;

I'm late! I'm Late! Nano & Politics

8468 - I'm behind!! (should be 10K by now)  - but I banged out 3K words yesterday, and I'm geared up to do the same today (I have SOUP!) so, I'm not really stressing.  I'm behind cuz I didn't write on Friday, Saturday, OR Sunday - I know, I know. But I hate sitting in front of my computer at home to write, when I could be doing other stuff. Whereas at work, I'm FORCED to sit in front of my computer, so dammit, I might as well write.

No one had died yet, nothing odd has happened yet, but I'm setting it all up.

Um. Um, yeah - OD'ing always suffers, as I feel guilty about writing if I haven't written yet, ya know?

 

---

 

I voted (have you?) and it felt throughly futile. I've lost all - faith in the political/electoral process..... ah, FoxTrot can say it better than I can.

So - yeah. Go vote. And hope that who you want to win, is who is going to win - cuz your vote has  a 50/50 chance of actually MATTERING.

*sigh*

 

New pictures!!

A wet side view - this is about as long as my hair will 'hang' without product or heat.



Here is a side shot of my twists - just wee little things, aren't they?



But - this is how long it REALLY is - I think that I measured my hair a while ago, and figured out that I have about 80% shrinkage. Sheesh.



My hair is about the same length all over - I have 'natural' layers.....

So - those are the latest pictures!!

So - I twisted my hair up - it took me four hours - laregly because I was moving slower than molasses, and secondly because I did some TEENY TINY twists - I don't know WHAT I was thinking.

Okay, really, I wasn't thinking - my fingers just automatically 'grab' a certain amount of hair, and that amount tends to result in an itty bitty twist.
Two things I've noticed - it's been what - about a month since I've done two strand twists - and either a LOT more hair is breaking off than I'm realizing - or something I'm taking/doing is changing the texture of my hair.

I'm used to my twists in the back being - meh - the curl isn't as tight back there, so my hair didn't hold the two strand twists very well - but now the whole head is - mehlike. They look thinner overall and longer - not by much, but I'm blaming that on the several chops I did before I decided to start moon trimming - but it's DEFINITELY different, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. *lips quiver* I loved my thick boingy two strand twists - now, they are more spirally, and a little less boingy.

The other thing that I've noticed is that my dyed hair is DISTINCTLY finer than my virgin hair - it's funny seeing how much my twists thin down as they get to the end.
I think that I'll do a twist out at some point in the middle of the week, and then go back to my flat twists (safety! cuteness! simplicity! protection!).

I've been - thinking lately - about my overall apperance. I really really REALLY am not a fashion maven - I like long skirts, and comfy shoes, and fitted but comfy shirts in soft fabrics that let me move, flatter the good and conceal the bad, and can stand up to me twitching, running, getting dirty, and can be tossed in the washer. I'm a simple woman, really I am, and the clothes that give me - twinges of pleasure - tend to be 'old fashioned' clothing - and I think that my hair style is 'old fashioned' (though I did see a picture of me in the SAME hairstyle in college - cracked me up), but I'm so NOT old-fashioned, and it's puzzling me.

I was in desparate need for a new (cheap) pair of shoes, and after the thrift store let me down, I went to a 9.99 shoe 'outlet' - and I swear - it was rows upon rows upon rows of high (and low) class hooker shoes. 3-4 inch heels (and I LOVE wearing heels - just not stilettos!) - bright garish greens and oranges and reds and pinks - and - all I wanted was a simple, sturdy, comfy pair of black shoes. I wouldn't have MINDED a little style, a little flair, but I wanted something classic. And in my floor length skirt, and my flat shoes, and my neatly braided hair - I felt SO out of place - so out of TIME - that I wondered if I was turning into an old woman long before my time, or if these 'fashion' designers simply couldn't satisfy MY needs.

I LIKE being comfortable - but at the same time, I WANT to be - attractive. Now, hubby certainly has no complaints, and I've gotten hit on often enough lately to not be TOO worried about my 'sexual' attractiveness - but I feel - insecure in my personal style, and I just don't know WHY. I think I look good, but I'm worried that other people might think that I look dowdy and barely put together, and considering I usually dont give a figs fart about what other people think of me, I'm not sure why suddenly - it's bothering me.
Hm.

Hair through the years

I'm going to start with a quick history of my hair in pictures (really, I'm procrastinating from doing all of the other stuff that I should be doing), but - if I don't do it now, I'll just keep putting it off.

Anywho!!!


Starting with me as a wee one - isn't that just the cutest afro EVER???




Now, I grew up Muslim - so, I couldn't find ANY pictures of me between birth & high school (when I made the choice to take off the veil) that had me bareheaded. I had hair though - really, I did!

So - we fly through many, many, many years - and I'm back on the scene - with a short, short relaxed hair. I wish I could remember how MUCH hair I cut off to get this style - I'm certain I was beyond shoulder length - but I can't remember how FAR below shoulder, as I got a relaxer, and promptly chopped it all off. So - this is the next picture I have of me - freshman year at college....



I HATED having a relaxer - unless I went through a can of hairspray, and spent at least an hour in front of the mirror with a curling iron, I looked like a wet cat. So, I went with braids instead - at least until my natural hair grew out enough for me to do something with. I was in braids all of sophmore & junior year.



Once my hair grew out enough - I started doing twists.... that carried me through junior & senior year, and the first six months out of college...







This is the point that I get really confused at.... I'm not sure if my hair was REALLY that long, or if I was just treating it SO badly that I made it unmanageable, but - I got sick of dealing with it, and I started locking....

My locks - well, they carried me along well - until I started going crazy and doing the dye thing - which slowly, slowly, slowly, killed my locks - check out this progression from thick and full to thin and stringy.....








*sigh*

So, so very sad. So - I got sick of my dreads, and said - hey! It's been five years - why not try going back to loose hair? So - I slowly, slowly picked my dreads out (rather than cutting them out as most people suggest doing) and a bucket o'hair later



I was a short haired gal again.



Then, I (not having learnt my lesson about dye yet) went bleached blond, and rich red, in a matter of ohh..... five hours?




And, I went back to the twists.

This was REALLY the point at which I started my 'hair journey' you could say - I REFUSED to live in twists, and I also refused to believe that my hair was simply UNMANAGEABLE - so I started hunting around online - and I found - and fell head over heels into - TLHC.....

I started hennaing..... and doing all the other fun stuff I talk about in my journal - and - well, growing it out. Really, I'm just growing out the dyed ends now - I'm cutting them off with the moon just as fast as I can.... so I haven't SEEN any real increase in length - I think I'm cutting it off/breaking it off almost as fast as I'm growing it.

So! I want to take pictures of my hairstyles (and sad attempts at hairstyles), as well as the creeping line of natural colored hair (henna does NOTHING colorwise to my virgin hair), and - hopefully, since I can't really MEASURE my hair because of the intense curliness (I can say my hair is 4 inches long, or that it is 16 inches long - each strand of hair is 4 inches, but then I have a big ole 12 inch head, so..........)

*does happy dance*

Laters ya'll!!!

WHoohoo!!
I finally (FINALLY) put up a photo journal - I'm going to enjoy responding to people on there - I'm glad that the photo side is interactive.
Today has been a V. Good hair day....
I started the day with FINALLY starting to create my CASH oil - the recipie I ended up with was:
1.5 cup coconut oil
1 cup red palm oil
1 cup olive oil
1/2 cup jojoba oil
1 cup cayenne
3/4 cup Amla
1/2 cup Shikakai
1/2 cup henna
I also tossed in the last of the SS Oil, and once I strain it, I'm going to mix in some of my personal scent, as well as a little ylangylang EO to make it smell yummy.
I put it all in the crock pot, and it's been simmering for about 5 hours now - I figure I'll let it simmer for another hour, and then strain it and let it cool.
Now - for what I actually did with my hair - I mixed baking soda & citric acid & water together and let the bubbles subside, then tossed in the last of my KOHumectress and some White Rain in.... gave my hair a good washing and...ooohh!!
How could I forget?? I REALLY started with getting my hair wet in the shower - and combing it out with my brand new bone comb and - I'm in love. The tines on the bone comb are the same size as the tines of my middle sized comb - but it combed through my hair like BUTTER baby - I mean - I was AMAZED - not only by how easy it was to comb, but how much more CONTROL I had because there was no handle. I'm a total, 120% convert to the bone combs - I don't think I will use ANYTHING else in my hair. I don't know if it's the boneness, or the treu seamlessness, or what - but :love:
Anyhow - I washed my hair and scalp with the baking soda/citric acid/conditioner mix, rinsed that out well, and mixed up my deep conditioner of the week.... honey, a couple of tablespoons of the still simmering CASH oil, and more conditioner. Slapped that on the hair, and that's still in....
I think that I will do double strand twists today instead of my usual flat twists - mainly so that I can get a good comparison picture - I figure that two strand twists are going to be my 'baseline' to compare my hair length - it's really the only style that I KNOW is consistent.
Hmmm... . I think that's it for right now.

Colorgenics....(and again, BAAAAAAAAA!)

Haven't even started writing today - naughty, naughty girl. I've been pounding away on a document I need to get done for SWHC that I need to finish at work so that I can print out many many free copies, so - yeeeahhh.

I may be the oddest person ever - really - I get moody for the silliest of reasons - just resentful that things aren't going MY way. *stomps foot*

Why yes, I AM a brat.

But - onto the profile!

---

You are seeking protection against anything which might seem to be exhausting you or tiring you out. It would appear that you are seeking a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance.

Being a likeable person you get on well with neighbours and friends. You don't need anything to 'Rock your boat'. You want to 'love' and to be loved'.

The present situation, not of your making, is forcing you to compromise. You will have to hold back and forgo some of your hopes, dreams and aspirations.

Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature - perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere - but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.

In the past your trusting attitude has often been misunderstood and so you have needed to protect yourself against your tendency to be abused and taken advantage of. As a consequence you possibly adopt an aloof and critical attitude and you are only willing to let your guard down once sincerity and trustworthiness can be assured.

---

Suprisingly on point - esp. in the particular mood I'm in. I'll have to do this again when I'm a wee bit more cheerful. *glares at nothing in particular*

*crunches into chocolate*

And - why! Why! Would you a) give away OLD candy (like stale icky old) for Halloween, and then! THEN! bring the even staler, ickier, leftovers to work to torment your coworkers? I mean damn ya'll - if ya gon give away candy from 2003, at least keep it in the freezer so that it stays FRESH.

Though, I suppose I shouldn't be eating candy ANYWAY - my ass is still - wide (hah! it hasn't been not-wide since I was 6!) but - I'm actually starting to ENJOY working out more. I can't say that I look FORWARD to it - there's always a little debbil sitting on my shoulder, asking me in sweet sweet tones whether I would really PREFER to go home and crash on the couch and burn my brain away with television - but once I get there, and once I get changed - it's - it's - good. I'm enjoying challenging myself (dammit! forgot to bring in the 8 pound weights from home!), seeing myself progress (I did 40 minutes on the treadmill Wednesday - and not 40 lesiurely minutes either - 40 sweaty, heartpoiunding, felt funny walking once I got off the treadmill and sucked down a bottle and a half of water minutes - and I felt GOOD - 2 months ago, I was sucking wind through 12 minutes!) - but..... I'm not seeing the changes in my body that I want to. Now, I KNOW that because I'm doing some serious weightlifting, that I'm going to get bigger before I get smaller, and I'm going to gain weight before I lose it, and I'm NOT doing this to see instant results - I'm doing this to be better and faster and stronger....but all I'm saying is that when I get measured week after next, if I haven't lost at LEAST 2 inches overall (which ain't much - really, that ain't much at all) I'm going to leave, buy an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's, and eat it with delighted, luxorious slowness - and then, take my ass right back to the gym to the next day.
The thing that scares me - the real devil lurking in the back of my head - is that the reason that the weight is creeping off so very very slowly is that there is something 'wrong' with me - PCOS, hypothyroidism, pre-diabetes, and that I'm simply sick, and I'll never be able to get knocked up without many rounds of fertility drugs and I'll be fat ALL MY LIFE.
But then, I have to remind myself - I'm SO not eating as cleanly (or as much protien) as I should be, and that I didn't gain it all in 2 months (more like 20 years) (okay, okay, 10 years), and I'm not going to lose it all in 2 months, and I can't be impatient because it's a slow gradual thing, and because most of my clothes are sacks anyway and I haven't worn pants in months (I've worn pants twice since it's gotten colder and they feel - ODD on me) so I don't haveany thing with a 'tight' waistline to compare my waistline too because I'm still too fat to even dream of trying on any of my skinny clothes and therefore I could be changing and I wouldn't even know it because the scale LIES and.......................
And I have muscles in new places and I can run up and down the steps a couple of times without losing breath and I'm stronger and can open bottles and hammer nails and drive screws without feeling like my hands are going numb and I'm sleeping better and I feel sexier and I think I actually have a metabolism now and it's slow - and it's minor - and I can't see it on my ass (yet) but I know it's coming. It's gotta be coming.

I've never looked forward to someone wrapping a measuring tape around my ass THIS much before in my life.

Okay. I have to get back to this ^($&%$*&%$ $ document now.

Nano count later.... much later, as I might not write til I get home, depending on how the afternoon goes.

*kisses*

5469!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Continuing on with my beastliness today - thank god I have no plot, as I have no clue what I'm doing.
Really - this is the easy part - I'm introducing characters (and do I care if they are consistent? Nope, not at all), and fleshing out backstories and setting up stuff for future twists. But still - 10%!!! In two days!! Icouldbe finished before T'giving at this rate! *ROFLOL* Um, yeah. I'm just building up extra word stock so that when I start to hate it, and hate it with a passion, I'll only have to slog through 15K words rather than 35K.

So far, I've commited at least one writing sin, telling instead of showing, and I so really am NOT going back to tweak it, nope, nope, nope.

YAY!!! For the DM creating a Circle for us Nano and NoJo types... if I write one Nano entry everyday for a month, does that automatically qualify me for NoJo?

Um. I'm wearing pants today, and they feel VERY odd. (utterly not NaNo related, but I had to tell someone!)

Remember - no plot, no PROBLEM!!!

Write ON!!!

Whooohoooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*wishes the DM had the headbanging rocker smiley*

2444!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arrggghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah, I went all beastly on my first day of Nano. So far, I'm actually having FUN. As I was falling asleep last night (at 10pm, cuz I'm an old fogey) (actually, it was all my husbands fault, as he's up to hijinks, and therefore I had to come to work early today) all sorts of additional, extra-special, utterly brilliant plot ideas came to me. So far, I'm sticking with my starting idea of a murder mystery, but because no matter how hard I try, I ALWAYS manage to end up writing a sci-fi/fantasy book, I just gave in, and made them vampires.  Ohhhh yeah.  *LOL* And they're a poly triad... oohh yeah! And - one of them is going to get knocked off by another one - can you say, the love is gone?? Mwuaahahaha!!!

So - this is my goal.  I'm going to write each chapter in the form of  'Number of the Beast' by Heinlien, where each chapter was first person view from a different one of the main characters.  I now have four MC's.  I figure each chapter should be at LEAST 2k words - so that way, it's easier for me to write a big chunk in one fell swoop.  I want to get all my writing done at work, and do other stuff (research,  timelines - which I already need one of!) at home.  Writing 2K words a day will still leave me a little short if I don't write on weekends - so I'm planning on 3K words over Saturday/Sunday.

Um....what else, what else? Ah! I've come up with a title: "Triads and Tribulations" *dies laughing* *clears throat* Um, yes.  And there will be Sex! And Murder! And Money! And I utterly refuse to think about this at all, because then I'll get bogged down in my right brain and this is the left brains turn to go, go, go!

And I must go, and eat, as my tummy doesn't care about word counts.

Bummer.