Twisted

There are some people who deserve to be destroyed. Not killed…but destroyed. There are some…some creatures that death is entirely too good for…and I don’t care if they go straight to hell…death is STILL too good for them
Sometimes… I KNOW the Old Testament had the right idea… an eye for an eye…a hand for a hand… a life for a life…a soul for a soul…a heart for a heart. And then there are some things that can never be replaced…what can you do to those who have destroyed them?
I am so rarely speechless…but there is nothing I can say. There is NOTHING I can say…and that can only give me a tiny piece of what it feels like to be utterly and completely helpless & alone in a world that is overwhelmingly & totally dangerous to your soul.
Some creatures deserve to be destroyed. I really don’t care what else you have done right in your life…some wrongs are too great to ever be forgiven.
and those wrongs...are usually the ones that are hidden the deepest…by those who did them...and those they were done to.

Closing Time

Okay…. perhaps I should just give up on trying to post something the SAME day, and instead just submit my entries very early in the morning…considering that is when they are written anyhow. I think I wait so long to write them because writing shortly before I go to bed is…peaceful somehow. I clear everything out, and go to sleep with a clear mind & conscience. That is the best way to do it I suppose. I don’t have much to write about tonight… mainly because I didn’t do much today. I decided that today would be an official hot-gyrl day, and thus dressed myself to the nines and went out and got some sun & some stares and a book (can’t leave that out now can we?). I also did some clothes sizing.. to determine just what size clothes I can wear so that my mommy can by me some stuff. I also brought a ticket to the Big Game, but regretfully didn’t win : ( ah well.. .hopefully no one else won either and it will swell like an ballon in hot weather and I will win on Friday…. yeah right.
I was talking to a new acquaintence on AIM today, and somehow we got on the topic of fathers. As we were talking, I realized that my father was 24 when I was born…and while that isn’t THAT old, it is rather old enough that a man should be prepared to take care of a child. Instead, as he admitted in al etter me me 18 years later, ‘he got scared and was too immature to handle the challenge’. * sighs * And folks wonder why women become mature faster…do we have much of a choice?

in cases of extreme regret
all that holds you together
is the knowledge
that what was done
was done by another
and what needs to be done
will be done by you.
in places of extreme sorrow
all that can bring joy
is the awareness that
this too, shall pass
and that it could not have been
prevented from coming
in times of deepest despair
all that keeps you sane
is the peace of love
and holding as true
that the sun
always comes
after the rain

Talking to another friend (yeah… I am turning this into a recap of my AIM conversations of the day/night) he mentioned that had I met him two years ago… I most likely would not have been as much of a friend as I am now, because he was a bitter & angry person. That set me to wondering…what if? The biggest question in the universe is NOT ‘who’s the daddy’ but what if… what if I had met him two days later? what if I had moved to DC and then to Trenton rather than the other way around? what if the IUD had worked? what if he had stayed? what if he had moved? what if she had given up? There is that terrifying blank spot in our past that is the realm of other worlds… other paths not taken.. and it can almost drive you mad to think what if that path had been taken. And sometimes.. it can be just as terrifying to consider why this path was taken. Each moment of each day that we live has the potential to change us totally and radically, and each moment of each day that we have already lived HAS changed us radically. As much as I like to read, I could never get into time travel books because they always struck a little too close to home.

I sleep…perchance to dream. or not.

Stay Jazzed.

Inner Quandries & Issues

It is odd to have to try, as a black female, to NOT be bigoted/racist. I have had a different life/childhood and so that has led me to have slightly more of an open mind than most people, but I still find my self on occasion falling into those traps that our culture seem to leave…big gaping holes that simply INVITE you to make a fool of yourself and insult half the folx around you. In addition, considering that I have also had to train myself out of the habit of speaking before I completely THINK about what I am going to say… well I have had some occasions when the floor opening me up & swallowing me whole would have been Nirvana.

Today, as I was taking a final, I realized that I consciously have to not make assumptions about the sex or age of people or examples. I KNOW that in our culture he/him is considered an appropriate word for generalities of any gender, but how can I consider myself a feminist and use them so casually? I have caught myself making comments about ‘natural hair’ to a black friend of mine whose hair grows out of her head straighter than anything Crème of Nature could imagine, and wondered where that subtle racism/colorism crept into my thought processes? I catch myself saying Jesus, or Merciful Mother of God, and even though I am nothing even resembling Christian/catholic or any other the other major religions, they pop out as if I was a rosary carrying nun…and I can’t figure out why & how.

I cannot solely blame it on growing up in culture where such things are the norm. While that does ( obviously) have a major impact on how people think and how they view the world, shouldn’t my conscious understanding that some ways of viewing the world are just WRONG override that? I have never fallen into the ‘bone thin is in’ ideal, or the ‘light & bright is right’ ideal that tends to haunt African Americans, or even the good hair fallacy (which I grew up hearing about ALLLL the time). So how in the WORLD did the sexism creep up on me? It is rather scary that something that I make a conscious effort in my day to day life & actions to reduce… still creep out of me in such subtle ways.

Maybe I am stressing over it too much…maybe it is just one of those side effects of living in America and being bombarded with constant images of what is right & what ain’t. It makes me wonder what ELSE that I would prefer not to be a part of me is tucked away inside of me as a side effect of living here, in the land of the brave & the free.

Okay.. a TOTALLY random and side note…why is my body acting crazier NOW than it was while I was pregnant? I told my mom that if I didn’t KNOW I was pregnant I would never have had any clue…and now that I am not pregnant anymore…I get nauseated in the morning…I get bloated…my breasts are tender… I mean REALLY!

I finally finished one final. Only one mind you, but thank god (see..there it is again….I would say thank the goddesses but.. I am not in touch like that to be comfy saying it…it seems rather like sacrilege), it is the one for the class I have been stressing about. I think I did pretty good, but I am hoping that he will have mercy on me. *sighs* I mean he is LEAVING anyway…speaking of which… (another random note) the Comp Sci department at my school only has 5 teachers, one of whom is the department head & doesn’t teach much, and another who is a newbie ( this is his first year here). Yet…at the Senior Farewell (which had us in TEARS) the other three teachers announced that they were LEAVING. To say we were in shock is putting it mildly… oddly enough we (the seniors) feel betrayed, even tho we would be leaving them. It’s an odd reaction on our part, and the poor juniors are devastated. So, I’m hoping that since NONE of them will be here next year, they would not be cruel enough to force ME to be here next year. But then again, they might just say.. hey.. I’m gonna give her the grade she got *shudders* That might get ugly. All I want is a C. *grins* Like Shasta said… C stands for CASHMONEY!!! Well, that ain’t EXACTLY what she said, but you get the general idea.

Okay… my head is going ballistic and I am starting to hear things, so I think I will go to bed now.

Stay Jazzed.

ummm... Stuff.

Forget about Love & Basketball…. the next big movie should be called Love & Hair. Yes…. this is going to be another one of my hair rants. It’s been entirely too long without one.

Okay… before I get into it.. I need to give a description of my hair. I have shoulder length (on a good day) thick, Thick THICK hair. I am talking thick here people. Amazingly, scarily, thick. I have so much hair on my head that it scares me(and small children who see me with my hair out).
And the simple fact is… each and every strand has a tiny little mind of its own. And the main focus of all of their minds seems to be doing the exact opposite of what I want them to do.
For example: In late December I decided that I wanted to lock my hair…. I figured that since my hair seems to enjoy tangling around each other, it would lock in a matter of days…maybe even hours. So I put my hair in 137 (yes I counted them) little twists, and figured I would give them about a month and I wouldn’t be able to get rid of them without cutting it all off. I waited…one month… two months…. three months…. and in late March (when I was stressing about the pregnancy) I started messing in my wet hair (I had just gotten out of the shower). As I was messing in my hair.. one of the twists came out….and another…and another.. and in a matter of a few hours my entire head of hair was free and wild. NO problem… no locking.. very little tangling… just a lot of dust and lint. *siiiiggghhhs* WHY??? However.. if I DARE to consider trying to wear my hair out… it would be such a tangled & crazy looking mess by the end of the day it would take me hours to comb it out. ARGH! *sighs* So for the past few days I have been wandering around with a huge floofy bush of hair… trying to decide what to do with it. I could try to lock again…. but I don’t know… or I could cut it off…but I love my hair too much to do that…. I HATE the way my hair feels straightened (hard crunchy and dead), and I get tired of putting it into cornrows… and I don’t have the time or the money to go to a salon and get someone else to do it for me. *sighs* Any suggestions?? It is getting way too hot for me to keep wrapping my hair up and wearing hats…. Atlanta sun is NO joke.

Hmmm what else? I have been procrastinating something TERRIBLE on my finals. *shakes head* I think I have a self-destruct switch in me that comes on the second that I start doing something REALLLY major. I don’t know WHAT my mental block is. I DO however, at this point know soo much more about cars and Subaru Impreza’s than I ever thought I would know after two days. And I have chatted to my friends so much that most of them assume I am done with my finals. And my toe & finger nails look absolutely lovely…and my house is nice and neat…Umph… if they only knew (and don’t even START fussing at me Papi).
Well… I am about to go and start working…. I will have to finish writing later….( I missed my deadline..but by only by a few minutes….bad bad Jazzy)

Stay Jazzed.

20 Questions...

Dobie's 20 Questions for May (borrowed from ‘Rella)
1. How did you pick your OD name? Hmmm…. I don’t really remember why I picked this name now. I think it was because when I started this one I was a hot ass, but didn’t like the way Jezebel sounded. Now… it’s all about being jazzed baby…..

2. What part of the world do you live in? Like it there? Hows the rent? I live in Atlanta, and I love it here but I am ready to leave. I pay 385 for a one bedroom in the hood, and I am getting off EASY.

3. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? 50? 100? 10 years? Back in Atlanta having babies…50? dear god…on a beach in Jamaica…. 100? either dead or frozen until 3010.

4. What is your favorite color? blues. all of them.

5. What is the unladen airspeed of a swallow? huh?

6. Girls: Do you spit or swallow? *shudders* neither…the thought of it is kinda ucky. But I used to swallow.

7. Guys: Do you face the diggety? Do the alphabet?

8. If a plane crashed directly on the US-canada border, where would you bury the survivors? HAH!! after ‘Rella got this one wrong I won’t get caught… you don’t BURY the SURVIVORS… you send them home to their frightened families.

9. Got any pets? nope…but I want two cats…. Frick & Frack. or maybe Spic & Span. Dumb & Dumber?? Jazzy & Jammy? *lol*

10. Got any cigarettes? Can I bum one? Nope… used to have some cloves.. but I smoked the last of those a few night ago.

11. Got milk? Yeah….it’s reallllyyy scary too. It’s not enough for me to see what it tastes like ( hey I was breast-fed but I don’t REMEMBER it) but I don’t think it’s the real thing anyhow.

12. Have you ever masturbated to Barry Manilow? Air Supply? The theme to Gilligan's Island? no…no….ewww.

13. Ever kicked a Coke machine? *nods* The ones on campus are GOOD for trying to steal your money…

14. Ever kicked an old person across the street? Down the stairs? How rude…. most certainly not.

15. Have you or anyone you know had the heartbreak of psoriasis? Do you even know what that means? nope…nope.

16. Have you ever watched a gladiator movie, Timmy? ummm. I’m not Timmy.

17. Did you ever have a hatchet go right through your face? ouch & no.

18. Who is your favorite superhero? Do you have a costume like his/hers? Storm from the X-Men. I WANT her hair.

19. Which is your favorite finger? my ring finger on my right hand…. it has an odd little mutation that makes it allll mine.

20. Who loves ya, bay bee? Everybody I touch…

Stay Jazzed.

HeartHealing Began...

No, this actually has nothing to do with him...but everything to do with me. How shall I begin...this is an ending of the old and a start on the new. I have had time (yeah... I know, even with all my complaining, I still have time to think about my life) to think about what I really want out of life...in the long term, and in the short. And I know that one of the things that I want... without a doubt, is someone in my life to love & to love me. I have had love... on an intimate and close level (to my heart that is) a few times before... but the flare & fire has always died. So now I am looking for a love that is rooted in peace & not in passion... I am looking for someone who does not have to start the burning fire that I always associated with love, but instead produces the soft glow that I know better as friendship. I want a love that touches me and holds me and comforts me...I have had enough of the love that scoops me up and carries me away and makes me lose my mind and my wits and all that other stuff. *sighs* I want a peace far far far beyond passion. I want a love that endures beyond those fires...and a lover who wants the same.
I have noticed that sex often fuels/inspires the passion that conceals the lack of peace. Thus...*deep breath* I have decided to remain celibate until I find someone that I will be willing to spend my life with. I am tired of the false connections & emotions that spring from sexual intercourse...and I am tired of the mind games that tend to be played in the pursuit of sexual intercourse. The other thing that I have decided is that while I will always be attracted to women...I will not look for one to be in a relationship with. Not that I will truly be 'looking' for a man...but *sighs* I can barely handle my own interpersonal issues... I can't handle the issues of another woman on top of that. Not that men's issues are any easier... but they tend to be so much different. *shakes head* I am ready for something REAL... something solid...something that is rock steady...and is based on something outside of me. *smiles* It almost sounds like I am describing a religion rather than a relationship, but ...I am...I have started my rituals back up...sorta... just trying to give myself a base that I can settle myself around.
It is amazing how things occur in our lives that affect us in ways we could never imagine a few years/months/ weeks further down the road we are all walking...if I had gotten a job in Atlanta...I would have had a child in a few months...if I had stayed with T. I most likely would have found a job here...had I continued with my original school path... I most likely would have never even MET T.
And now...so many things have happened that makes me glad to be leaving Atlanta for a bit of time. I need some space away from this city...so time to be alone and to form myself closer into the woman who is slowly reappearing as who I want to be. I WANT to leave this city that a few months ago I was fighting/hoping/praying to stay in. *shakes head* Who could have known? no-one...at least no-one human. And yet we humans are still stubborn enough to pretend to plan our lives and expect them to follow the plan we set.
The huge egos we hold in such tiny tiny bodies.

Healing begins from within...healing begins with the decision to heal and to change yourself and your surroundings in ways that contribute to healing...I prepare to leave one place that I grew in...to give my heart & spirit room to grow more.

Stay Jazzed.

Blues Clues

I am so...just so out of it. I think that any other time the fact that I am so...deluged with work would be okay...but these are finals. (Yeah...there is gonna be some repetion...be warned). Senior year finals. Dear merciful one I cannot fuck this up. I am so stressed and tired and wiped and just all out of it that I hurt mentally, and there isn't shit I can do except suffer through it and hope that I get some blinding clarity that will let everything go smoothly. And I am sick & tired of people telling me empty platitudes like 'You will be okay' or 'Don't worry' or 'Be positive' . Really...none of that is going to help me right now. None of that is going to do a damn thing but make me feel worse if I fail, and irritating the hell out of me now. And I have to go to work tommorow. Mercy...I have to focus on the little bits...the pieces of time that matter. The fact that ALL of the little pieces of time matter I have to ignore.
Anyway, I did two exciting & interesting things today...I got my aftercare checkup done...and came out with a clean bill of health. As part of it they gave me some pills, and I had to sign the reams of paperwork that was attached to my medical file. The description of the abortion itself was amazing. I haven't decided if this is morbid, or odd , or what.. but I wish that I could have seen what she looked like. Yeah I know...most likely a bloody broken mess, but she was my baby...and after reading the description of the 'material' that was removed...I wonder what it looks like. It sounded like it was really...distinct...less of a mess and more of a child than I thought. Mercy. So that was interesting...at least to me. The slightly more interesting/exciting thing was I played the lottery. *shrugs* Who knows...I might win a little something. I really don't think that I would finish finals if I did. I would just come back and take the whole semester over in bits & pieces. I mean I would be able to pay for it. Also along the cashmoney train of thought, I got the corporate card from E.L. today. I promptly made my reservations for the trip to Indy, as well as the return trip from DC. I wasted entirely too much time doing so, but at least it was a little peaceful & quiet time. I managed to get some really great deals...and just the way I wanted them too...
I think that is all for now... I have another entry up in me... but that one will have to flower later.

Stay Jazzed.

So Long, Farewell

Today is the Senior Farewell(s) where each department has a little something to wish the seniors who are graduating good-bye. Our department is having one as well, and sadly enough I can't even muster up the enthusiasm that I should have for this. All I want at this point is a B-/C average this semester and joy, joy, joy will flow through & into me. I tried to dress up today in a cute little summery dress, and some sexy sexy heels...and all I can think is what was I tripping on? I need heavy duty clothes to endure extends amounts of time in this cold lab. I think I understand the whole concept of senior week better now...any other time the end of the semester is just that... the end of one with a pause until the next comes up. But here & now, this is the END. And everything matters so much more.
I talked on the phone to one of my 'acquaintence' types last night for almost 5 hours. I had been avoiding him for quite a long time, mainly because our relationship was founded on sex, and I wasn't interested in trying to fend off any approaches. I prefer to simply avoid circumstances where I get approached. The conversation however was fun. He is an intelligent man, relatively mature, and cool. *shrugs* I guess that is enough to get a conversation out of me. The importance of that? nothing much...but me being tired isn't helping the process much.
I wish that I had something else to talk abot other than school, but everything has recedeed into the dim back regions of my mind in the face of this...the last hump.
It's odd...I know I am going to summer school...but the two classes that I am taking are going to be minor compared to the madness I think I am going through now.
*deep breath* okay... my writing break is over for the day...I need to get some work done before I say 'farewell'.

Stay Jazzed.

Pause in the Day

It's around 5:00 p.m. and I haven't seen the sun since 8 this morning. I doubt that I manage to get out to see the sun before it vanishes into the darkness, but I will be okay with that. I talked about letting go of that which I don't want in order to make my life more peaceful. But how do you let go, when you HAVE to hold on in order to have the life you want? Change what I want? No...because I never believe in settling. SO I guess I have to march on and manage to do what needs to be done.
Today has actually been a rather good day (previous paragrapgh ignored). We had a end of class party for one of my clasess that was actually kinda cool. It was nice to be able to relax for a hot second. After that it was time to code, but since some...*clears throat* assistance was gotten from a classmate who had been in the class previously, it is going rather well.
I am facing a bit of a dilemma. I KNOW that my grades for the semester are going to be crappy, if they are passing grades at all. My question is, should I approach my teachers and let them know why my standard of work dipped so much at the end of the middle of the semester. The problem is, if I tell them (actually it's just ONE that I need to talk to), if I tell him what happened, would I be able to benefit from it? As in will he have mercy and give me a passing grade, or will he treat it as a matter that I should have come to him long time ago. *sighs* I don't know. Maybe I will talk to the head of the department first. *shrugs* I will sound the ground at a later point. or maybe now. I don't know.
Any ideas??

Stay Jazzed.

Random Notes

Okay... a few quick words
1) I think the OD is about to form a new club. The 3-a-day clickers. Do you OD? Then Click! *giggles* hmmm I forsee many slogans appearing in diary titles. I will resist the urge to come up with somethign for as long as I can.
2) I hate school. I have 2 days of classes left and it feels like I have two weeks of hell to go through. That is all I have to say on that subject.
3) I'm going home (up north) for a hot second after graduation (if I graduate). I'm sooo excited. I get to see some of my friends before I go far far away.
4) I am so tired I'm dizzy. The main reason I have been forcing myself to break & eat is so that I could take my antibotics, and I just finished taking them. :(
5) I am trying to figure out what kind of car I want to get. I have decided to just break down and take lessons from a driving school...but I STILL need to figure out what kind of car I want... I need to go to a car show.

That's all. God Bless & Good Night.

P.s. I got my first application from an apartment place today... *claps* oh sweet joy.

Stay Jazzed.