Short Update and Note Replies

So tired. So so soooo very tired. Finished moving in...not finished unpacking. Love love love the place. Pictures soon. Cable doesn't work. Bad cable company. Catling is hyper. Boyfriend is wonderful. Need air conditioning. :)

Dollz: I have been collecting doll 'bits' from all over the web. If I can figure out a way to do it I'll display some of the nicer dolls. No Mermaid...you'll have your dolly in a bit. :) IceChica: Nah... I haven't checked out the barbie site, bit I will. Cyndi/Desert Rein: Do a web search for dollz (note the 'z') and plenty of pages of dollmakers will pop up. :) I've saved a lot of bodies and props to my hard drive so I can hold on to them...and play while I'm NOT hooked up to the web.

Um. I think that's it.

7/10/01

Totally terrified alternating with joy and relief. I don’t know, and that is really the worst part. I need to grab a test, a stick something to ease my worried mind.
At the same time that I hope I’m not…if I am I will be ready. I can see myself dealing with this and living with it… even if Corey does vanish from the picture. I ask him how much he loves me, but I don’t know if he is hearing me…I want to know if he LOVES me. If I can rely on him, if he is going to be a solid force in my life that I can depend on…if through good times and bad he will be there holding me up and cushioning me from falling too hard. That is what full and true love is to me.

I’m getting…itchy. I don’t know what’s going on inside me.. in my head or in my belly. I’m thinking that I am ready…to *gasp* settle down. I wanna be…full. I have had the vision in my mind for the longest that what I am meant to be.. who I am going to be.. is a mother. That…may be my place in life. a mother and a writer and a dreamer and a creator. Of all the paths I can take in my life, those are the ones that have always stood out clearest to me…those are the ones that I KNOW that I can follow, that I can take and succeed and manage through with grace and strength and comfort.

I’m going to be done writing my book by the end of the year, baby or no. I have to become self sufficient…I’m not going to be able to live and survive in a job for very long. It’s just not me. It’s weird and kind of scary to acknowledge these things.. ME… miss. I – need – my –creature –comforts basically saying… I don’t WANT to be stuck somewhere where the money is good but it’s not fulfilling for me. I want to be doing what I want to do.. and make money from it. I can do that. I KNOW I can do that….
and I am going to.


Jasmyn.

Dollz and Regression

I have gotten hooked on these little 'dollz' things. It is rather scary… but I mean talk about DRESS UP!! I had wanted to make me a little ego image, but those doll girls were just TOO skinny. *laughs* I couldn’t FIT my ego image into one of them… I’m a bit much. So.. since I have all this free time at work, and since all of my doll stuff is on the ‘personal’ drive on this computer, I figured why not?? And thus Jazzybelle was created. It took me a bit to figure out how to seamlessly put the image on my main page, but I like it…her. Her hair is a bit longer than mine is…but not by much. She is also a BIT slimmer than me, mainly because there is only so much you can warp a figure before it just starts looking…warped. Ummm..what else? The outfit is one of my favorites actually…a mint green tank top and a black skirt. The skirt I wear is longer… but it didn’t look right on the alter…I couldn’t figure out how to get it to drape right… *shrugs* I need more practice. *grins* And of course I had to do the silver jewelry!!

Umm.. okay. Enough talking about my silly little dolly. :) But she WAS fun.


P.S. - I did my hair.
Stay Jazzed.

No-Title Title

Well… that went well…sorta. I have ‘taken’ possession of my new digs, but the key doesn’t work, so I haven’t really taken anything. *sighs* Anyway, I went to sign the lease Friday afternoon, went to the apartment (which I have STILL not been in alone…*sighs*) wandered around for a bit, ate at Mickey – D’s and then came on back home. I really really like this place. While the apt that I’m in now was…almost overwhelming in it’s openness and hugeness, this place is simply welcoming. It feels very homey, and I really like it. I wanted to go and smudge the place, but I want to do that alone so I might have to stop there Thursday night after class. I want that place to be sweet and fresh when I move my stuff in.

The rest of the weekend was more of the same. I lazed about Friday night, woke up relatively early Saturday, packed some, then got dressed and went out. I wanted to pick up a decorating book or two, and I wanted to see a movie. So I ended up going to see Tomb Raider (umm… wait for it) and eating out. I had some LO-VE-LY prime rib (and for under 20 bucks too!!) and an all around good time. Came home after that, watched a bit of TV, crashed a bit. Sunday, got woken up at 7:00 by the sounds of them imploding the old arena up the street from my house, couldn’t get back to sleep, so I went to IHOP. Having packed up most of my cookware and food and spices gives one a wonderful excuse to eat out. Packed a bit more, washed clothes, dozed, and in all had a lovely weekend. I hoped to see Corey before it was all over, but as he was detained in returning from his family reunion (what should have been a six hour trip turned in to a 10 hour trip) that didn’t happen.

Ah yes. And so now here I am at work, with little to nothing to do, freezing my poor little TOES off. *sighs* I really wish they would come back and FIX this crap. It’s a health danger. I think I might protest and start working from home. *pouts*

Anyway. I’m a little sleepy. *yawn* Hm. I start back up with these stupppppiiid driving classes again today. Oh joy… rapturous rapturous joy. blegh. I wanna DRIVE dammit. *sighs* Okay.

I’m gone.

Stay Jazzed.

Fireworks...

BRRRRRRRR!!!!!

It is just not right for it to be 83 degrees outside, and to be about 60 degrees inside. NASTY NASTY NASTY. I’m cold!! I don’t like being cold! Dammit!

With that little rant out of the way, I had a good Independence Day. I slept lots, packed lots, actually went and WATCHED the fireworks this year rather than staying cooped up in my apartment listening to them like I did last year. The only thing that would have made the fireworks better would have been if Corey was there with me. *sighs* I ought to call him up and tell him that. I think I will. *pause* Um. okay. All done. *sighs* I’m turning into a clothing courier. Ah well.

I’m practically done packing, but it doesn’t look like it. Because this is the first time I am moving with actual real furniture, the house still looks kinda full, cuz all the big stuff is still sitting around. Most of the cabinets and stuff are empty, but you can’t really tell that from a single look. I have been throwing out so MUCH stuff… it is really ridiculous. I have been carting along so much junk with me for the past few years, it’s actually kinda nice to get rid of it.

Giovanni is NOT happy with the whole moving situation. He has been acting like heis on drugs for the past few days…running around chasing after something only he can see, meowing so sad and pitiful and then when I try to pet him attacking my hand…it’s scary. Almost like he is regressing. He doesn’t even seem to notice that his bits are gone…

I am starting to feel … guilty … about not doing my hair. It doesn’t really look THAT bad, but I am just really aware of that fact that I have not DONE my hair in well over a month, and that is just not cool. I finally put a bead in it (it looks really cool, I might have to take a picture) but I’m not as happy with it as I should be because the REST of my hair isn’t all nice and neat and parted and DONE like it should be. However, since I am a lazy baby, and there are so many more interesting things for me to do lately than my HAIR, I don’t see me getting it done anytime soon.
Also, I know that I am a little sensitive about my hair. There have been many a day when I thinking that I look like an utter crow’s nest up there, and someone will compliment me on my hair. Another thing that has been picking at me is the fact that I have…odd hair. Remarkable thick, rather kinky coily and nappy, but ONLY when it is totally free. If I have my hair twisted on in braids or in locs like it is now, the roots of my hair come out wavy. Almost straight. And I don’t think that they are gonna loc up on their own. *sighs* Soooooooo….. I think that I am going to break down and do my hair.

But speaking of hair…

I had an interesting run in yesterday, and I haven’t figured out whether to be insulted or complimented by it. I was walking to the liquor store ( to get BOXES!!!!) and this guy pulled up next to me in a Mercedes with a girl in the passenger seat. He asked me if I did my own locs, and I said yes. He asked if I did other folx, and I said not really. All well and good right? So then he asked for my number so that maybe he could call me to get his done. *shrugs* No problem, this might be a secondary source of Income. SO I give him my number and my ‘other’ name, and continue on the to grocery store. He had a bit of a tude, but I didn’t pay it no mind. So I’m behind the liquor store, scavenging for the best boxes, and here comes Mr. Car Dude… anyhow… (here comes the insult/compliment part) he tells me that I have a lovely ass (umm..thanks) and that he would like to get with me in about an hour. *makes face* Say whaa?? After I turn him down, he tells me that he is a producer from NYC with big bucks…. I tell him I don’t want/need nobody else’s money and anyway... I GOT a man… he comes back with ‘well I don’t need nobody else’s woman’. *snickers* So annnyyyhow… he gets a further tude (on top of the one he already had) cuz I told him I had no interest in fuckin his skanky ass… and then leaves, saying I was gonna change my mind.
Now, my point of confusion was this: Should I be complimented on the fact that he noticed me as a lovely sexy woman, or should I be insulted that he stepped to me in such a trifling way? My own personal feeling is pure amusement that he thought he was so much the shit that he didn’t NEED to show any common respect or decency. *shrugs* And he wasn’t even all that cute!! Or maybe I should just hold the two things as separate compliment -------- insult. *sighs* *giggles* He thought I was gonna be IMPRESSED?!??! Umph… please.
I briefly considered telling Corey about this, but somehow I think this is one of those things that men just don’t need to know. Or at least boyfriendly type men…*shakes head*


Stay Jazzed,

Whooshhh...

I’ve figured out why I like moving so much…it represents new frontiers for me. Once I have decided on moving…I daydream about lovely decorating and new areas and just fun stuff. Rather like the same feeling I got every time I wanted to rearrange my room…A sense of freedom embedded in change.

My job is really starting to get on my nerves. People being pulled and overstressed, and then trying to transfer that stress over to me. Umm… I think not. There comes a point where one just has to take a step back and realize that stressing and trying to rush is going to just put you even further back along than you should have been. *sighs* People need to take a really big chill pill. Blagh. I’m actually glad that I don’t have a passport. These crazy people might try to ship me to Spain. Ugh.

I’m trying to figure out what the hell I am doing with my hair. I haven’t twisted the roots for over a month now, and it is starting to get all wild and wooly. Mind you, I rather like it that way, because the roots tend to get all soft and silky due to my natural oils and juices creeping up the roots. So it feels really really good, but it doesn’t look to hot. In fact it looks rather….wild and wooly and stuff. I have been considering just letting it free form – stop twisting it and let it loc up on it’s own, but I think my hair is a little too soft and straight to do that on it’s own. I wonder just how long it would take for my hair to do something on it’s own…and whether or not I have to hold off on washing it. *yyeeeccchhhh* That is one of the main things that led me to lock my hair the way I have done it, the fact that I could wash it and get it wet almost every day if I wanted to. *shrugs* I don’t know…

Me and Corey are better. *sighs* I swear, me and him have so many ups and downs, and then we sit down and talk and clear up most of our issues, and sail forward for a while and then it is back to the up and down again. Hopefully, now that I am off of the pill, and now that we have gone through some tough points, the ups will last much longer than the downs. Ya know, he was actually thinking about breaking up with me on Saturday? Isn’t that horrid? And we can’t figure out a way to insure that the lines of communication stay clear. *sighs* I have never worked this hard at anything in my life…but it is so much so worth it.

Money issues? Ugh… tighter and tighter. Since the damn machine ate my ATM card, I have to wait for my mother to send me this money for the rest of my lease. *sighs* I don’t know I don’t know…I’m hoping that everything works out well, cuz if it doesn’t I might seriously go batty. I WANT this place…really really I do.

Um. I think I might paint this place. The main room that I want to work on is the kitchen. Because of the way it is set-up, it is kinda dark, and I want to brighten it up as much as possible. However, I consider yellow kitchens to be the most…average thing there is. Blagh. I also think that the dark wood paneling isn’t helping in the least.

*yawnnn* I need more sleep. Not that I haven’t been getting plenty, but I still need more. *shrugs* I don’t think that is going to happen considering the fact that I HAVE to have my house packed totally by Monday, since I’m going to be in driving classes next week and thus I won’t be able to pack at all that week. *sighs* I really need to hunt down/up some more boxes.


Stay Jazzed.

Short.

*makes face* Yup…he’s mad.
*sighs* Boundaries, thas all. I want to have guidelines, little paths that my feet can follow that make me comfortable and make him comfy too.
*shrugs* I’ll talk to him at some point later.
Work wasn’t too too bad.
Blagh.

Stay Jazzed.

Testing Testing 1,2, Key....

I did something mildly sly, and I want to note it so that I can remember to record the results (if any). A few weeks ago, he gave me back the keys to my place, because he said he ‘felt’ like I didn’t like him coming over. *rolls eyes* Anyhow, Tuesday night, he asks for me to leave the him the spares so that he would go to his job and pick up the boxes he said he would get me. I said no problem, and pulled out the spare from where I keep them (in the kitchen cabinet) while he watched me. Last night, when I got home there were no boxes, because he said he didn’t feel like walking back with them because he didn’t have the money for the cab. I said fine, but it sent off a little ‘beep-beep-beep’ warning signal in my head. He had left the keys on the counter, and with him watching again I but them back where I had gotten them from that morning. I don’t want him to keep the keys to my place…and he understands that. However, when I got up this morning I thought hmm…I wonder if he plans on staying here all day today too? Or going out then coming back…or just keeping the damn keys…so… rather than just accuse him of wanting anything (1 – it was too damn early 2- I was already running late and 3- he was half sleep), I just took the keys out of the kitchen cabinet and put them someplace else. If he goes for the keys, I am sure I will hear something back and we can converse from that point on. If he doesn’t, it won’t be mentioned again and I can relax knowing that he is aware that the whole ‘chillin at Jazzy’s house’ thing has been sharply curtailed.

I don’t know… it should be interesting. My life – with more extra Drama!!

Stay Jazzed.

Moving, Money, Men and Drugs.

Umm…it’s odd. I keep thinking that I am writing in here, but when I go to look at the entry list, nothing new is there. I guess I am using a thought process of ‘I need to write this for the OD’ and just never get around to doing it.
Anyhow….life life life..what’s going on with me? Ummm… I’m moving on July 13th, and I have broken down and decided to pay someone to help me. *shrugs* It makes life easier. I haven’t started packing yet, because I don’t have any boxes. Corey said that he would get me some boxes from work, but I am still on an independent search for boxes. I mean I work in half of a factory, I SHOULD be able to find some great boxes. I just stuck a little note on this big stack of boxes that I saw in an elevator about to be taken to be recycled most likely, politely asking the ‘owner’ to give me a call. *sighs* Hopefully I will hear from them a little after lunch.
Note on above: I tend not to rely on people, because I know just how unreliable some people are, and how easily some people tend to shrug off ‘favors’ they have said they would do for someone else. So anytime I ask someone for a ‘favor’ (except my mom) I have secondary plans in motion just in case they fall through. If they don’t, I can always throw away some extra boxes, but if I do get left in the lurch, I won’t totally be assed out. Part of my pessimism showing.
I was supposed to start a new pack of pills on Sunday, and I haven’t. I don’t feel much different, though I did have a dream this morning in which there was a distinct scene of me slobbing Corey down, so that is a good sign. I haven’t called the doc yet either – work has been hectic, but I will do so. I never called him to talk about the results of my latest pap either, so I can kill two birds with one stone. I have researched and researched and there basically seem to be four different kinds of birth control. 1) Hormones – the pill, Norplant, Depo, Lunaire 2) Barrier – Condom( girl and guy), Diaphragm, Sponge, Foam… 3) for lack of a better word – ‘Devices’ – Chasitity Belts, IUD’s and the like, and the last kind 4) Dangerous/Unrealistic(for me) – Pulling out, Fertility Awareness methods, abstinence.
Hormones are out. I really don’t like taking them, and it seems that no matter what kind I take (I have been on three different kinds, a tri-cyclic, a low dose tri-cyclic and a mono-phasic) I end up not having sex cuz I don’t want to anyhow. Forced abstinence is a bit much for me. I’ll be damned if I get something stuck in me that I will HAVE to live with for long periods of time. Nope uh-uh. When I got pregnant before it was with a condom, so my security with that method is nil, I just don’t trust diaphragms (how do you know the stupid thing is covering EVERYTHING??) and I would use up a bottle of foam at a time (and what if his are some really tenacious wrigglers?) and sponges cost too much. Less than a child, yes, but still…and as for group 4 – I might as well just get pregnant and be done with it. So… that leaves me with the IUD. Mind you, I was conceived ‘around’ an IUD…but that WAS 25 years ago. I hope (pray…) that the IUD’s are better now. So…*sighs* I hate having stuff poked that far into me. It hurts. *grins* But as I’m sure Cyndi would say, ‘Labor feels worse!’ So…

Ummm… I have decided to borrow 100 bucks from my mom, just in case to tide me over if Gio’s surgery costs more than I expected it to. *sighs* If if if… bitching does no good though does it? I could have asked Corey for the cash… but as he still owes me 45.00 bucks for a damn phone bill *rolls eyes* I don’t want to have any monetary interactions with him. umph. And I sure as heck don’t want to be beholden to him in that kind of way. Is that sad? I’m not sure…we have very different ideas on how to handle money soo….it makes life easier. At least my life.
Anything else? Work has been….interesting lately. Hectic in a stressful kind of way, but not really in a ‘pressed –for –time’ kind of way. It’s odd. It’s stress based on conflict between what people want and what can truly be provided, rather than a conflict between what is needed and the amount of time we have to do that in. I think I like the time stress more.
I’m tired. Tired tired tired. I (stupidly) stayed up until 2am Sunday talking to Corey about ‘us’. If anyone has watched Sex and the City… I totally sympathize with Samatha – “I’m so SICK of talking!!’ . Anyway…I have been on the go since then, leaving the house around 6:30 am and not getting back until around 10:00 pm because of driving class, and then having to do whatever in the house and then drag my ass to bed. I’m wiped. And then they want me to come into work later tonight so that I can restore the system because most of our test data got corrupted yesterday. *sighs* Hopefully I’ll be home by 10:00 tonight. Hopefully. Last night I was talking to my mom about the money, and I was so tired while looking for the ATM card that I felt like crying. *sighs* Lack of sleep makes me an evil evil person. And Corey assumes that it is something to do with him. *rolls eyes* Mercy, can’t I have an attitude without him thinking that it is a personal reflection on ‘us’??

Stay Jazzed

And for our next act....

:(

Ya know...it would be a lot easier if I just gave in and stayed barefoot and pregnant. Really it would. But...as I happen to enjoy being not a mother (right now), and I wanna keep it that way.
Being on the pill has once again, completely erased my sex drive. For a while I thought it was just the fact that I was irratated with Corey and thus didn't want to have sex with him... but now that I want to have sex with him, I have utterly NO interest in anything remotely sexual. *sighs* It's rather like being stuffed full to the gills, and someone tries to offer you more food. Your reaction is 'Ewww...what am I supposed to do with THAT?!?'
So...it's back to the OB/GYN for me. I'm sure my dear doctor is getting sick of seeing me, and I am also sure that he is going to ask me why the hell I let him write me a prescription for something that I won't be taking...*sighs* I have been on the pill for *thinks* about 4 months now I think...and I am considering trying to get an IUD. I don't particuarily trust condoms...they are wonderful things but...pills make you feel SAFE. Secure...immune to getting knocked up. As body conscious as I am...I can't imagine wearing an diagphram...*giggles* I am butter fingery enough as it is now...

*sighs* All this to avoid what I want anyway. *shakes head* Logically illogical.

Stay Jazzed.