Tsk....I'm being boring....

I'm still digesting the DISGUSTING amount of food we cooked for our Very First Thanksgiving - so much damn food, it was ridiculous - seriously. Okay - anyhow, I'm suckworthy at noting & keeping up with people.....but I'm reading, I swear I am!!!
Okay - really I'm totally distracted because I FINALLY have my computer back (the odd combination of laptop and desktop that it is now) and I've been delighting in having meh own STHUFF!!!!

Wonderment

So - I managed to get sucked into Dallandrah's offer to join her online writing group, and I treid my hand at the 'BOC' thingy, and then I went to read my old writings.

And serisouly - why don't I finish ANYTHING? I've been telling myself that it's like steam - I don't ever have quite enough of a head to slam it through to the end, and the second I hit a sucky part - I quit. Maybe I'm a quitter. I don't know - but I do know that I start out STRONG. It's just a matter of - finishing.

I'm going to be off for a while - ah, lovely vacation. I'm going to 1) clean the house from top to bottom and 2) write. If I'm not cleaning or cooking, I'm going to be writing. I figure that I should be able to get back into a groove with at least ONE of my stories (maybe I'll freaking finish the iLlium) and - *sigh* at least do something with it.

*blinks* I'm tired ya'll. I'm tired of working at a job that doesn't attract or motivate me. I'm tired of not doing what I want to do in order for me to do what I 'should' be doing. I'm tired of - not being myself! Dammit.

My boss was telling me today about a book called 'Living what you Love' about this couple who decided that if they didn't LOVE what they were doing - they wouldn't do it. *nods* that's what the hell I need to be doing.

 

See, Bored??

So - a survey, stolen from Ms. Bella

1.When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?
My forehead, usually - checking for pimples.

2. How much cash do you have on you?
This second? 5 bucks and some change

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?
Rest

4. Favorite plant?
Umm - the momma spider plant that restored my faith in my green thumb.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Corey

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?
Gah! That stupid 'moto' tune - I need a new ring tone BADLY!!

7. What shirt are you wearing?
An burgandy sweater.

8. Do you "label" yourself?
All the time.

9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?
Liz Clabourne

10. Bright or Dark room?
Depends - if I'm on the computer, dim. If I'm reading or doing dainty work, bright

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
She TOTALLY rocks (and rawks)

12. Ever "spilled the beans"?
*shhhh* but yes.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Midnight? I was knocked OUT!

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
No clue, as it's been deleted.

15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or "Banners"?
Occasionally, if they are advertising somethings interesting looking.

16. What's a saying that you say a lot?
That sooooo '     '!!!

17. Who told you they loved you last?
My Corey.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Giovanni

19. How many hours a week do you work?
40. Precisely.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
Only one, I think - I switched to digital a while ago.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
25

22. Your worst enemy?
As a rule, myself.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
Our wedding pictures.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"CD has to be configuration - it's the only thing listed on this sheet" - to one of my coworkers.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to erase all of your regrets, what would you choose?
Million bucks for sure.

26. What car do you drive?
2001 Subaru RSX. I love my pocket rocket (despite the fact that I've been behaving speed wise because I want to conserve gas)

27. What's the coolest thing you did with your car?
*snorts* Regularily outdrive silly young boys with noisy little pieces of shit who think a girl can't drive.

28. What's your best feature?
My eyes most days.  But today, my hair soooooo ROCKS.

Marvelous Monday!!

Only because I'm pretending it's Wednesday. That way, tomorrow is Thursday, and the day after that is Friday - and then it's time for the very long weekend! I mean really - Monday's are generally unneeded in the scheme of things anyhow.

Me thinks that me & the hubby are actually going to cook a Thanksgiving meal this year. Hm,  I need to ask him if he's actually OFF on T'giving - we might ahve to postpone our celebration til Saturday. We've already got the turkey, and I'm making bread and cornbread specifically for the stuffing. *thinks* Sides - must pick up some cranberry sauce, and we've got the stuff for green bean casserole at home. Desert? An apple pie would be nice - maybe with the crumbly topping stuff? Hmm.... I need to make a list of stuff to get. I suspect that I'll be making everything BUT the Turkey.

I've been abusing myself - or more specifically my hands - lately. Let's see - on the right hand we have: a nice sized burn on the back of my hand, a gouge out of my thumb knuckle, and a gouge at the base of my pointing finger on the palm side. The left hand - a burn under my ring finger on the back of my hand, and a HUGE cut in the fingertip pad of my middle finger. I think hubby's bad luck is rubbing off on me in the kitchen - this is the most beat up my hands have been in a LONG time. 

I'm still stubbornly refusing to pull my coat out of the closet. As I was telling some coworkers - when I have to put the coat on, it's REALLY winter, and - well, I'm jsut not quite ready to admit that just yet. I've already switched over my wardrobe - isn't that bad enough??  Hubby has pulled his out however, but since he's the one that LIKES the cold, I suppose that's not really a suprise. Sepaking of which, I need to call the folx back who we are going to get our firewood from. 70 bucks for 1/2 cord of seasoned, split oak - not bad, eh? The fireplace got cleaned on Saturday, and a small mystery was solved at the same time. The house had been - COLD - despite the fact that the thermostat was on 75. Come to find out, our DILLY ass landlord had left tham damn damper open after he came in to look at the fireplace the week before. *rolls eyes* Thanks, dude. Really.
I'm trying to figure out if I can slowly drop the house temp, and see if we will jsut wear more clothes to make up for it. *le sigh* I suppose, wearing heavier clothes is jsut another nasty side effect of winter, eh? But - we are certainly looking forward to being able to kick the fireplace off and have a nice roaring fire to work with.

*thinks* Well, that's all for now. More later, I'm sure - but I ahve lunch with a friend, so I need to get moving!

Reshaping 10: Groove Thang

Where I am at now? 3 full weeks? and I've only missed one day - and even that day, I actually WENT to the gym - so, quite proud of myself am I.

Three weeks - hmmm, that means I need to start keeping track of what I eat now. I don't realyl want to keep track on a computer, because I might not always be near a computer - but I don't have any paper handy either. *frowns* I'll have to dig up one of my mini-notebooks from home tonight.

I actually wasn't sore at ALL this past weekend - and even today, I feel good. Sleepy, but good. I realize though, that I DID have a bit of 'undercover' soreness so to speak, but it was on a low enough level that I just worked around it without even noticing. For example -  I tightened up my hair over the weekend, and instead of doing my usual 'bring the hands to the head' for the back, I bent over, almost in half, so that I wouldn't HAVE to hold my arms up - cuz they were sore. I did manage to get a wonderful lower back stretch out of the whole thing though.

I think my shape is starting to change - just a little. The bottom of my belly isn't hanging as low, I think - and there and the back fat tend to be the first two things to go as I start losing weight.

Dang!! I forgot to look up those butt buster exercises for in the pool tonight. Ah well, I'll just go for a swim. I think I'm going to try doubles of 9. Swim the 3/3/3, then butt busters, then 3/3/3 again. Or maybe jsut 3/3 the second time.

I don't know.

One good thing - I feel like I'm in a groove now - like I'm halfway to forming a real habit. But - supposedly you can form a habit in six weeks, right - so I guess I AM halfway to forming a habit. Tsk. I should see what time the Highland Branch closes, and if they have the BFL book - that way I can jsut stop there on my way home. Hmmm.... good idea.

 

nothing I could have imagined
equals to this
the leap of my heart
when I see your face
the ache in my breast
when you cry

how can I ever
express the change you've created
in me
your mother
when nothing else
could be
ours?

Reshaping 9: Nippy Noses

Went swimming last night - I want to start extending the number of laps I swim - but I still can't make it smoothly through all of them - so I'm going to have to figure out something else to do. Maybe I can swim one set of 9 laps, pause to do some legwork (more on that later) and then swim another 9 before I leave. Hmmm..... that might work nicely.

Legwork. My legs - being the biggest, strongest part of my body, are being - resistant towards working out. Okay, that's not quite true - I just haven't been working them out CORRECTLY. I'm not sure if it's a matter of not using enough weight - or the fact that the gym only has 3 machines for the legs, and like 6 or so for the upper body/arms (no wonder the guys there look like bantam chickens - all fluffy up top and scrawny on the bottom). So - I want to put in more focused legwork somehow.

Last night, after my laps, I started doing squats and lunges in the pool. I HATE doing lunges because I have a hard time balancing, and it tends to make my knees hurt, but with the support of the water - it wasn't bad at all. Then I realized - Hey!! This will be a great way to work on those leg parts that there ARE no machines for (like the inner and outer thigh) and do a little more work on the important bits (like me arse). So - that's something I'll have to do this weekend - put together a list of body weight only legwork (like the things that are always in Cosmo and the like) that I will be able to do in the pool. :) Happy about that, I am.

I don't think I wrote about Tuesday - I lifted weights, and man - talk about arms being spaghetti!! Sheesh - I was about to cry on one machine - the shoulder press, I think it is? And sometimes, I feel really wimpy when I see these great big burly men lifting 130 pounds with a grunt and a snarl - but then logic and sanity reassert themselves, and I realize - umm - they're MEN, and clearly, from the looks of them, they've been doing this for YEARS - of course they can lift more than you!! And I have to remind myself that slow and steady tend to win the race, and prevent me from injuring myself as well. But - it's hard finding my PERSONAL boundary lines - less than this is wimpy, more than this is insanity. I suppose that will be something that I'll gradually discover as I continue progressing on - I can't determine what's right for me, in an instant. But at the same time, sometimes I think that it's a moving target - jsut as I discover what is the right setting for me, I'll have gotten strong enough to actually move onto another weight. Hopefully.

More later - maybe.

Okay....

The high was supposed to be 80^o today - I think it hit about 78^o.
The high is supposed to be 49^o tomorrow.

Um, what the hell??? Can't we at least get a WEE bit of a gentle glide into winter rather than this jerky turkey stuff? I mean - we all know cold + hot in rapid alterations causes thunderstorms (as demonstrated by the fact that it's pitch black (at 4:17pm) and POURING outside). It also causes tornados (and here I thought leaving Indiana got me out of their way!) And we aren't even going to talk about the fact that I'm starting to think that sudden changes in weather give me headaches - I'm starting to feel one forming now. Grr.

Ya'll ain't tell me the weather round these parts was demented. Warm, yes. Hot, yes. Demented, no.

Of course, I'm actually just bitter that I'm not home in time to dance naked in the lovely thundery rumbling thunderstormy rain.

Tough Tuesdays!!

Let's see how long I can keep up the alliterive entry titles that incorporate the day of the week, shall we?

My hair is in a STATE to say the least. I need to do wash it and do my roots so badly it's a dangoone SHAME!! As locks mature, they tend to get skinnier - but as they get skinner, the fact that there is 'loose' hair at the roots becomes more obvious - and boy, is it obvious right about now. My hair is - dense - thick - almost rich - it feels most alive when the little bits at the bottom are running wild. That's why I don't really want to tighten it - or more accurately, a wonderfully subconsious reason I keep 'forgetting' to do it over the weekend. Freshly tightened hair is - lovely - in it's own very regimented way - but nappy hair feels so much more ALIVE. *grins* I could almost convince myself that it is.
I've heard that the legend of Medusa actually came from when the Greeks stumbled a bit deeper into Africa than they expected, and ran across a tribe of locked women - and I can understand why they thought there werre snakes growing from their heads. 'Organic' locs - as in hair that just allowed to tangle all about itself without any 'management' - is rarely neat looking, never corporate, and looks (and feels!) like a living thing.
I'm considering dying it (again) as the thought of cutting it off (cutting more of it off, I should say) has struck me once again. *thinks* I never posted a picture of my shorter hair, did I? Here ya go.....

It's in B&W because it's the pic from JB, and all the color pics I tried to take made me look like a troll. A relatively cute troll, but a troll none the less. The B&W forgives many a funny head shaped flaw. And - I tried putting makeup and doing a pic then - and even in color, it was much cuter - but it so wasn't MY natural face. I was damn near fine with the makeup on - but it was an airburshed, faked out kinda fine. So - I scrubbed it off, and went with B&W.

Meeting - cha-cha!!

Reshaping 8: Reaches & Stretches

So - figured out that I need to stretch my LUNGS before I start swimming - get back into the swing of deep FREE diagpharm breathing so that I don't cheat myself of any air.

I 'swam' 12 laps!! I did the 3/3/3 thing, and then was getting REALLY frustrated with my breathing, and swam three more just trying to 'practice' and see how I best breathed. :) It's amazing how much easier it is to swim when you've actually got oxygen in your lungs!

I've reworked the weights AGAIN. I swear, I'll be SOOO thrilled when I can actually sit back and have a finished schedule/routine that I don't want to mess with. *snorts* By then, of course, I'll be bored and ready to create a new one, I'm sure. Anyhow, what I did was switch to doing full body twice a week, instead of doing half body twice a week. Basically, I'm going to be working twice as hard - doing EVERYTHING on both Tues and Thurs, rather than doing one half on Tues, and one half on Thursday.  Because my main focus is on weights rather than cardio, I realized that it REALLY didn't make any sense to split my workout that way - it'll take me twice as long! And while yes - my whole BODY will be spaghetti (if I ever get there) rather than my legs being wobbly one day and the arms wobbly the next - I think that it's worth it.

Am wearing yet another pair of too tight pants today - I've got a hot lil ass and thighs, I do indeed. But *gasssppp* I'm going to be tattooed with lines all around my waist for like - ever. So, definitely no changes according to THESE pants.  Climbed on the scale this morning too - 235. Eh. I realized, also, that I'm going to get BIGGER before I start getting smaller as the muscle builds up under the fat - which means that my clothes are likely to get TIGHTER, then looser. How much does THAT sucketh?  Basically, I'm not going to have ANY idea whether I'm doing the right thing for what - at least 3 months?  I'm going to be gaining weight as I build muscle, and I'm going to be putting on size as I build muscle - until I actually HAVE enough to start upping the fat burning process. How - ironic. Bleh.

I suppose, I could reassure myself that I am doing the right thing by starting to eat right - if I know that I'm exercising right, and eating and sleeping right - well, nothing but right can come from that - yes?? If, however, I'm exercising right, and eating all wrong - well - things could get better, things could get worse. So.....*nods* yes, am going to have to seriously look at what I am eating. And bleh - trying to include a diet along with a workout process - maybe I need to break down and get the Body For Life book - as it seems like I'm half-way there. I'm not going to do the supplements - but then, maybe I should, I don't know. I suppose it would at least be worthwhile to read it and see. I know, the main reason I was like Hell, Nawh! to BFL was the requirement for cardio - which as we all know, I depise on a deep and personal level - I'm not too posh to push, but I'm WAYYY too sexy to sweat. So, since I've stumbled across a form of cardio that I actually DO like - hmm, hmm, hmmm. Maybe. At least that will give me a good line on the dietary stuff.

Okay - I think I'm done for today.

Huh? Monday already???!!!

*deep breath*

All I need is 100K. Hell, 50K would do it for right now. That's it - really. *deep breath* But patience is a virtue, and who knows what coming around the corner and...and....and.....dammit. *breathes*

Umm - let's see - this weekend was - good. It's amazing how much time flies when you aren't doing a damn thing. Friday was a non-day, as I developed the headache from hell while browsing the thrift store (more about my scores there later) and left work around 3:30. Was home and sleep by 4:00pm, didn't wake up fully until around 9am Saturday morning. Yup - a full seventeen HOURS of sleep. It was the best rested I've been in - years. Years, I tell you. *sigh* Yet another thing that'll be a fond memory of the past once kids end up in the picture.

Saturday - I was a busy little bee! After the hubby headed off to work (he closed this weekend) I finally got outside and finished off my compost pile - *wrinkles nose* cut grass that has been left in black plastic bags for a few weeks is NOT the most pleasant variety of green things to be around, that's for bloody sure. But now, I've got a HUGE pile over in one corner, a much smaller 'mound' over the strip where the strawberry plants are going, and a wire cage half full of spare leaves to cover the kitchen waste as it goes out. I think I'm about done for the season - though, if any of my close neighbors toss out a bag or two of leaves - oooohh - mulch & additional cover for kitchen bits throughout the winter! Then, I cleaned the downstairs, washed the kitchen floor, baked two loaves of bread (STILL denser than I want - what's the secret to FLUFFY bread??? - damn good stuff though) and *thinks* then I crashed. I refused to leave the house at all on Saturday or Sunday - nope, nope, nope. I made up for the busyness of Saturday by not doing a damn THING sunday. We sat around, drinking beer, chitchatting - he played video games most of the day, I read *Thinks* 4 books? 3?? Not sure....but it went by WAYYY too fast. I looked up, it was 10pm, I was yawning, and I hadn't even tossed a load or two into the washer. *shakes head*

But speaking of books - the thrift store scores!! I went to pick up some wine glasses - I was hoping to find something kinda kickass and different, but eh - ended up with two plain old stemmed glasses. The first score consisted of two heavyweight GLASS loaf pans in almost perfect condition for five bucks (for BOTH! one was 2 and one was 3)!  I've been making bread in all KINDS of differently shaped containers, because I wanted the 'larger' sized loaf pans - and I didn't really WANT the non-stick ones, as I know they lie. So, I had been keeping an eye out for some glass loaf pans - but to find TWO - and in almost perfect shape! *nods* Thrilled, I was. Then, I strolled over to the book section, and found a reference manual from the editors of 'Organic Gardening' all about how to maximize the yield from your garden - organically! It has listing of companion plants,  planting times, digging patterns, compost suggestions - this book is a GREAT resource - 2 bucks. *delighted sigh* I SOOO do enjoy the thrift store. And this was the one by work - not even the one by U of M where I found the breastfeeding books at! I'm thinking that I might swing by the Goodwill near U of M and see what they have to offer- it's right around the corner from the Y - maybe I should start parking in their parking lot (as the Y almost NEVER has parking available) and then walking to the Y - it's barely a block, and it'll get me a little loosened up - besides giving me a chance to see what they have. Hmmm. *grins* But really, the last thing I need is an excuse to spend MORE money.

What else? Work - is -  boring as HELL. Do ya hear me Big Brother?? I can do my responsibilites, as well as those of two of my coworkers, on a daily basis with one HAND tied behind my back. Argh!! And ya know - I can't blame anyone but myself, as I knew when I TOOK this job I was overqualified - I did. I knew that it would be slow, slow, slow. But - I still took it, because of the money (oh, when will I learn) and I'm gonna stick with it (because of the money - still haven't learned) for at least another 16 months. After that - *shrugs* who knows?  The Access project I volunteered for is more or less done - I just need to write up a users guide, add a small subform, and let everyone get a good look at it and beat the bugs out - and I think I'll be done with it. 3 weeks, like I said - 3 bloody months! Indeed! I've been trying to drag it out though - simply so that I'll have something to DO here on a daily basis. If I had - any damn sense at all - I'd finish writing the book while I'm bored out of my head - funnily enough, I don't want my pseudo-boss to hear me typing all day. Heh. Stupid excuse, I know - but that whole 'thing' is something I'll have to hash out in another entry.

Speaking of writing - this is the first year since I found out about it that I consiously did NOT do Nanowrimo. Last year, I planned on doing it, but time got away from me, I looked up, and it was like November 21st, and while I'm occasionally demented - never THAT crazy. *laughs*
Had a recent conversation with myle, in which somehow I got into a conversation with my 20 year old self. I had excellent responses to ALL of her 'what in the hell happened????' questions except for the one around my art. I've just - laid it to the side. I don't have a URGE to create - it's - dormant, almost. I still know that I can - it's just that the need isn't there - and I don't know how to wake the sleeping beast. Anyhow - I don't know. I've started one weekly ritual, maybe I will be able to kick off another. 500 word or poem minimum?? (and why do I get the eerie feeling that one of my faves is doing this, and the idea has been mouldering in the back of my head for a while...). I'd most likely cheat, and go for a poem most of the time. *thinks*  Need to consider a subject - maybe I could go to one word and get something from there.  But once again - it's something that I feel like I SHOULD be doing, not something that I WANT to do. Eh.

 

Reshaping 7: First failure

Thursday - I quite simply didn't feel like working out. I had a rough day at work, I was tired beyond all comprehension, and dammit - I didn't wanna go. But I went, anyway - got there, and realized that I hadn't brought a teeshirt to work out in. I was wearing a thigh length sweater - and there was no way in bright sunshine I was going to work out in THAT. So, I packed my stuff back up, and cheerily enough, headed home.

Guilt level? Nil. I know - It's only been two WEEKS, and already I'm breaking step - but - it wasn't a certain thing. I still went, still wanted to - realized once I got home that I COULD have worn the sweat 'jacket' that I carry along, but all in all, I didn't feel bad.

I'm going swimming tonight - without a doubt, and I'll be right back in the chairs on Tuesday. Ah - speaking of which - I'm considering changing my workout pattern. Instead of doing split body twice a week (which means it takes a full week for me to work my entire body) I'm thinking about doing full body twice a week - which means I would basically be doing EVERYTHING twice a week. Why? Largely because I don't feel like I am really working HARD enough that I can't do full body twice a week - and because I'm damn near doing it now, ANYWAY. Besides, it'll allow for faster results. So - I think I'm going to work on a new schedule now.

How do I feel? Well - good. The back of my thighs started hurting yesterday - not sure why, as the sex wasn't THAT athletic. I put on a pair of tight pants (my winter punishment wear) and - they didn't feel QUITE as tight. Hmmmm......maybe? maybe!  I've still got another two weeks to go before I weigh or measure - and interestingly enough, despite the slightly roomier pants, I didn't even consider hopping on the scale.

Still haven't heard from those bloody calorie king people - I'm almost starting to wonder whether or not the message actually got sent to them. PPPhhhhfftt!! *sigh* Ah well, I suppose pen & paper aren't SO bad. This is my last 'free' week - next week I start the three weeks of tracking what I eat. Lunch Friday was Taco Bell - quite le tasty - and today is a veggie meledy/using up leftovers at work. I've got the last slice of pizza, some cabbage, some green beans in the freezer, and a slice of bread. Interesting, yes? But - tasty overall.

Okay... I think that's about all for today. Bleh - I need to go and get some water.

 

What sort of General am I??

Julius Caesar You scored 51 Wisdom, 79 Tactics, 44 Guts, and 50 Ruthlessness!

Roman military and political leader. He was instrumental in the transformation of the Roman Republic into the Roman Empire. His conquest of Gallia Comata extended the Roman world all the way to the Atlantic Ocean, introducing Roman influence into what has become modern France, an accomplishment of which direct consequences are visible to this day. In 55 BC Caesar launched the first Roman invasion of Britain. Caesar fought and won a civil war which left him undisputed master of the Roman world, and began extensive reforms of Roman society and government. He was proclaimed dictator for life, and heavily centralized the already faltering government of the weak Republic. Caesar's friend Marcus Brutus conspired with others to assassinate Caesar in hopes of saving the Republic. The dramatic assassination on the Ides of March was the catalyst for a second set of civil wars, which marked the end of the Roman Republic and the beginning of the Roman Empire under Caesar's grand-nephew and adopted son Octavian, later known as Caesar Augustus. Caesar's military campaigns are known in detail from his own written Commentaries (Commentarii), and many details of his life are recorded by later historians such as Suetonius, Plutarch, and Cassius Dio.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 13% on Unorthodox You scored higher than 83% on Tactics You scored higher than 15% on Guts You scored higher than 59% on Ruthlessness

Reshaping 6: Not yet, not yet....

So - lifted weights last night, and am still disappointed with the legs. I've reached - hah, nay slammed directly into - exhaustion when it comes to the arms - and I think that I'll have toned arms out of this world in a little while - but I still haven't really hit that point with the legs. I'm doing 55 pounds all around - I think I might jump to 65 and see how that treats me. I really WANT the spaghetti legs - because they are one of the biggest muscles, the faster I build those up, the more I'll lose just by breathing.

Speaking of breathing - I've GOT to remember to NOT hold my breath when I'm doing the abdominals - and I need to up the weights on that too. I want to get to the point where I am 'aware' of my muscles every day - not hurting, but definitely feeling the work.

I don't think I mentioned that I hopped on the scale this weekend (just to see what was going on - no judgement involved) and to my utter NOT suprise, I was at 231.5 - up a pound and a half from the start. Which, actually, throughly pleases me, because as muscles first start to work, they hold onto a huge amount of water to repair themselves - so YES!!

Ah yes - that was something else I was thinking about. There is this show on - Discovery, I think it is - called Supersize She. It's all about this female bodybuilder (looks like a man, no DOUBT!) and what she goes through in order to become Ms. Olympia. It's - interesting - seeing how far someone can go with weightlifting. I have utterly none, none, none, interest in going that far - but it's an interesting extreme.

Yet another short one....

Restless

I know that it's just the fact that I'm sleepy (after 20something years of reading, you would think I would LEARN to NOT start reading a new book at 10:30 at night) and I'm bored - a most dreadly combination. I have work to do, yes, but it's the open-ended kind of thing - and because I'll be entering information into a database - exceptionally boring as well, no matter how much the iPod is rocking.
I tried to read through one of the newer yahoogroups of mine 'Pagan Permaculture' and HAH! *snorts* I swear, sometimes these groups should just admit that they are a gathering place of people who think that they are what the group says they are, but aren't actually doing it. Yes, those four fingers are pointed directly at me, but that's neither here nor there - I'm trying to learn. I whinged about the fact that it's dark by the time I get home alredy, right? I'm seriously considering trying to get up with C in the morning and come to work very early. I also think that's part of my restless - I need some sunlight on a daily basis. *twitches* Maybe I'll go and stand outside for a few minutes. Even the swimming - which I figured would help me with the whole 'I hate winter' thing by giving my SOME sort of activity - I think it's making me even more twitchy.

Ever get the feeling that the world is spinning out of control, and that you have to cling to a delicate balance just to make sure that you aren't flung off in one of it's wilder gyrations? Well, okay - I don't quite feel like that. In fact, I feel more like I'm looking at two worlds. One's the very internal, personal world of me and mine - those who are fremily. In that world, things are - normal - almost scarily so. There's love, and loss, and hope, and despair, and lots of joy. Then - there's the rest of them damn fools, and the rest of the world - and they are the ones who are gloriously tripping and spinning down the road to destruction - and who seem just as happy about it as a pig in mud. It seems like every time I look at some headlines I think 'The world is going to hell in a handbasket - seriously.' Maybe it's a darker, more pessimistic view - but - there is a disturbance in the Force - and - that's part of my twitchiness. I want to reach out and grab SOMETHING and change it in a way that affects more than just me and mine because so many more need the help - but it's all moving by so fast and so high that even if I could grasp it, I'd be more likely to lose my fingers than I would be to actually make some sort of change.

One of my dear friends swears up and down that I'm empathic, and that ability is what has bound together our little 'group' for years - the ability, to truly resonate with someone else's emotions. It's not that I don't agree with him, I just don't really think it's - a talent. It's simply skills of observation, and being open enough mentally to judge people as they present themselves, and not as I would want them to be. It's a talent of exploring honesty without judgement - but as a side effect, I tend to be either open or closed - there really is no 'middle' ground with me. And it doesn't have to be a two way street - I can be utterly open with someone who is closed off to me - and I can be closed to someone who is open - and those treasures of fremily are those with whom I'm open to, and they are open to me.
I think - I think where I was going with that is that I'm withdrawing from most things that are external to me because it makes me feel like I'm spinning downward, despite really standing still. Empathic vertigo - vertigo by association. And - I try to go around and find other people who recognize the fact that everything is spinning and THEY don't have to spin along with it.

BLEH!! I'm rambling long and hard here, trying to force out what I don't know how to say. I'm tired, that's all - and trying to wiggle past the bounds of my logic to get this - felling/vibe out. Gah! I need to buy some cheap clay - oooh. Playdoh - no! Plastine. Yes. That's what I need to get some of. Practice cheaply, create expensively.

Definitely

If money could buy happiness, it would have to be able to buy life.

 

---

 

Umm....have been around, just a little - stunned into silence, I suppose. Even now, it's like - damn, I know there was SOMETHING I planned on writing about, but hell if I can remember now. I need to start writing before I read faves, I think.

It's November, and 82 degrees. I'm LOVING it ya'll. Seriously. Ah! That's what I was going to whinge about - weather or not, I can clearly TELL that it's fall. How so?? I'm treated to a goregous show of lights in the sky and on the ground every night as I head home - assuming I'm not driving home in darkness. It's been rather irksome, as I have two huge bags of grass, and just swiped four big bags of leaves, and my kitchen waste container is half full, and I REALLY need to spread all that stuff out for compost - but dammit, it's almost black by the time I get home from work. Hopefully *crosses fingers* this weekend will be somewhat nice, and I can get outside and muck about in the muck.

I had a VERY productive Sunday - woke up around 9:30am (which is unheard of!), went grocery shopping (still managed to overspend by 10 bucks and haven't figured out why - I suspect it's sales tax), cleaned the kitchen and the living room to spotlessness, and - best of ALL - finally found a actual SCREENED over window in our house - the back door has a screen. So, I pried the glass off of that, and fully plan on leaving it open as much as I can to get some freaking fresh air into our stuffffy house.

Okay. I'm done. Must eat. Maybe more later. maybe.

Reshaping 5: Not so bad....

So, I made it through the weekend - and I don't think I wrote a post-Thursday entry either, so here goes.

Umm - worked out pretty hard Thursday - DEF. hit exhaustion on a couple of machines - like the damn shoulder press, and the tricep extension BASTID. I'm making today my 'first' official day of working out, since I felt like I was just 'getting the feel' of the machines last week.  I'm going to do the current set of reps/sets for four weeks, then switch to a higher level for 12 weeks, then switch to an even higher level for another four. That's a 20 week program - it'll be interesting seeing where I am then - The beginning of March, it'll be - hmm, just about time for spring clothing. I know that I need to up the weights on my legs - there's no way that my arms and legs are equally strong - and I never really got the exhaustion on my legs - got the burn, but no spaghetti.

I was sore as SHIT in the upper body all weekend - but I could definitely feel it getting better as the days went by. I could TELL that I had worked just hard enough that by Monday, I would be ready to swim. And, indeed I was. I took a page from the book of a 70something year old woman who was doing laps next to me, and actually went SLOW. *laughs* It's funny - last week, I was cursing the fact that you could only go 'one' speed, and that if I could just slow down (like I would if I was running) I would be better able to finish out the laps. Um, yeah - I can slow down - just freaking SWIM slower. I know, I know,  most obvious, but hey - I'm a little dense sometimes. Okay - anyhow, I figure that's how I'm going to do my laps from now on - 1st 3 = slow, middle 3 = fast, last 3 = slow. Do that until I can swim the full thing doing the crawl (which is the most strenuous move I do) Then, 1st 2 = slow middle 5 = fast last 2=slow, then 1st 1= slow, middle 7 = fast last 1 = slow. Once I can do the whole pool, fast - I'll move up to 1/2 mile. Yes, I know it's a bit of a 'backdown' - but I DO want to be able to swim a full mile - but I'm willing to accept the fact that I have to WORK up to it, considering that going 'fast' I can't even finish a full lap after the first one - I'm getting CLOSER to the end of the pool, but I've got to stop.  Going slower also allows me to focus more on my form, so, I guess it's a win win.

Food wise - EH! Those bastids at Calorie Counter haven't responded to me yet, and I REFUSE to pay to register it and pay the fee again just because the damn name on my PalmPilot changed. *PPPHHPPPTTtt!!* They can KEEP their stinky (but really cool) software. I'm about ready to do it the old fashioned way - write down EVERYTHING in either my Daytimer (which is really what I want to use) and just transcribe it into FitDay, but I can't find a notepad refill for the clutch size. *sigh* So, that would mean ANOTHER pad of paper,  because the notepad that's in there NOW, I'm using for my expenses. I suppose I could put the expenses in the palm, and my food on the shopping list, but BAH!! Not neat enough. And this daytimer is going to last until August or so, so there's really NO way I'm getting a new one at this point. I'll figure out something.

As far as what I'm ACTUALLY eating  - I've been doing good. Slid some and got some chips - but haven't really been wolfing them down like I usually would. Also got some cereal during the last shopping trip - but I've no doubt that my hubby will finish it off long before I get to it. I put a plea out on freecycle for a yogurt maker, but haven't heard from anyone there either...maybe I should go to the thrift store and see if they have one. Serendipity.

As far as my mindset - it's good, actually. Despite the damn shift in daylight which means I go home every night in the dark, it's an easy cruise to the gym. I spend a good bit of lovely time in the pool or a good bit more time with the weights, and I head home. I pick up a little, cook dinner, eat, prepare my lunch for the next day, prepare the gym bag for the next day, talk to the hubby, relax and read a little (usually done as I'm cooking), and then off to bed it is for me. It's a nice little routine - and I feel GOOD doing it. I'm not 'hooked' on it yet - I need to beat my ass up with the weights for a while before that happens - but man, am I enjoying it.

Ah yes! That was something I wanted to comment on - I realized why I'm so much more 'lacksadisical' with the swimming than I am with the weights. In my mind, swimming is just - well, it's something fun to do, but I don't really expect many results - largely because it's, well - CARDIO.  And heaven knows, it'll be nice to have bigger stronger lungs, and a more efficient heart, but because I've always felt that for REAL change - weights were far more important - I certainly put swimming on second tier. But - considering how BAD I am - barely able to swim full out a SINGLE lap - I know that I NEED the cardio - I just don't expect to see as many rewards from it as I do from the weights. *grins* Ir's a good thing that I actually ENJOY swimming, and I like the challenge it poses to me - two more strokes, one more lap. I also appreciate the fact that I don't feel like crap afterwards - my arms tend to be a little tight, but that's about it.

Hmm...I was hungry earlier, but now I'm not anymore. I definitely want lunch though, so I think I'll go eat now.

Reshaping 4: Um - Ouchie, just a little bit?

Okay, the area RIGHT above my boobs hurts. My thighs - the big muscle in front - hurts. It's not an 'oh-my-god, I'll never move again' kind of hurt, just the gentle sensation that tells me I've ripped a couple of muscle fibers and they are cheerfully rebuilding themselves.

I'm proud of myself - I was stuck at work late yesterday, and I wanted to go and pick up some king size sheets I got of of freecycle - finally, the base bits for my duvet cover! - and it was a matter of going to swim, or going to pick up the sheets.  I opted to go swim, knowing that by the time I picked up the sheets and got back to the gym, it would be close to 7pm, and there was no WAY I was going to swim then.  So - went straight to the gym, and I need to pick up the sheets this afternoon.

Also - dang, it's going to be a busy day, as I didn't get online yesterday or last night to update my weight sheets. Though, I DID find the perfect folder to put them in once I do get them set up to my satisfaction.

Umm..... just a short one today.

Reshaping 3: Not Stopping

So, went to the gym last night - and Caramuscle smiled and asked me if I needed any help to let him know. Ummhmm....
So - anyhow, last night was my first night on the machines - so really it wasn't even a workout - it was more of a - tryout, I suppose you could say. I've found that I'm a HELL of a lot weaker than I used to be, and well - that's not necessarily a bad thing, as it means that I will see improvement rather quickly, as I tend to get strong fast. Even still, I didn't work even NEAR to exhaustion, and felt almost no spaghettiness at all. I think that I will go to the weight where I KNOW that I will get exhausted, work until I simply CAN'T go any further up until the point that I'm actually able to consistently do the workout - which means that I might be chasing a rolling goal, as I have 4 week blocks of exercises to do before my reps & sets change - but then I have a 10 week period for the next block, so it might not be so bad at all.
I was pleased to see that most of the machines that I needed for my leg & back work were there, but not so sure about the arm machines - there is one (the Tricep extension) that I don't have on my plan (and I've no CLUE why not as my tri's need a shite load of work) and then there are others (like the bench press) that they don't have a machine for, but I'm sure there is another machine that works thesame muscle groups. So - now I need to find were I pulled this information from, and figure out what muscle groups they work, so that I can substitute the right machines for the right workout, and update my cards. Also, I need to put together a better 'form' for my workouts - the manilla folder I have now isn't going to work well. Maybe I'll put the listings of the exercises on the outside, and staple the weight progression sheets to the inside. Hmm.... That might work.

I've decided that I'm going to weigh & measure once a month - so by the time that I unprivatize the last entry with the weight & measurement goals, it'll be time to put a new set up. In addition, that way, I won't be tempted to step on the scale on a daily basis. I've also figured out my reward! I get to go to the NEW bookstore every month that I exercise a minimum of 20 days (5 days a week, at least 4 weeks in a month) I get to pull 20 bucks out, and go to the bookstore, and get a NEW book. How exciting - yes??? And I mean really - that is the PERFECT reward for me - without a doubt, that is something I will value (and can't eat - even if it IS a cookbook!)

Also, I want a yogurt maker. I figure that if I'm going to be eating it for breekie, I shold at least be making it instead of buying it. I'm going to try to freecycle for one first, and if that fails, well - eBay isn't too too expensive. I think that if I make yogurt, I'm going to drain it, and eat it that way. Heck, if we are talking about tzakiki, I can eat LOADS of that stuff. I wonder if there is something along the lines of tzakiki that is more breakfast appropiate - though, that actually doesn't sound TOO bad for breakfast. hmm, hmmm,hmm... in fact, that actually sounds pretty tasty. Hmm.

The title? Oh yeah.... I was talking to a friend about - me, basically. I've noticed that one of the things about me is the fact that I usually have no problem actually STARTING stuff - it's not stopping with the stuff that I've started that usually hoses me up. And after that conversation, I was wondering what I could do in order to insure that doesn't happen with this. What is my ongoing motivation to KEEP going, even when I don't feel good? Even when I'm just exhausted? Even when I've been at work for ten hours? Besides diabetes - what will keep me going? My own pure brand of stubborness (which works on everything except me?) The pure force of habit? The desire to finally actually DO something and stick to it? The simple feeling of pride that I will get as I look back over time and see that I HAVE stuck to something and actually accomplish it rather than the usual sense of dismay that once again, I've discarded something so good for me? Or can I just decide that I'm NOT going to stop?

Can money buy you happiness??

Can money buy you happiness??

Ya know, I was going to start out with a blanket 'Duh! Of course not!' but I realized - ya know, it depends on your interpetation of the question. What do YOU think would make you happy? How consistently happy do you have to be in order to say that it makes you happy? I mean - no matter how much money you have, you CAN'T be 'happy' 24/7, no more than you could be mad 24/7 because you were broke. There are going to be times when there is only .02 in the bank account and you are still quite happy. Then, there can be times where the account reads 2,000,000,000.00 and you are so sad you might briefly consider suicide.
So really, the question should be - do you think that money can provide everything you need to be more happy than sad? And that STILL depends on what you 'think' you need in order to be generally happy - and how much money we are talking about. The amount of happiness that 1.00 could 'get' most people, and the amount of happiness that 100,000.00 could 'buy' most people are very different. So, I'm going to abuse the question again, and say 'Do you think that having 10,000.00 added to your bank account daily (after taxes) would provide everything you need to be more happy than sad ?'
Now, for me personally, that would have me clicking my damn heels alllllll kinds of up and down the yellow brick road for a good long time. Will I be perfectly happy? No, I'm sure I won't - life isn't set up to be perfectly anything - happy or sad. Will I be happier on a daily basis than I am now? I still can't quite say yes - I think that my life would be more like how I would want it to be, which SHOULD make me happier - but then I'd just have to face a different set of incidents that would make me unhappy. Instead of having to deal with political crap at work, I'd have to deal with one of the kids crapping all over themselves at home. Instead of trying to figure out what to do to prevent me from being bored at work, I'd have to figure out how to keep myself from being bored at home.
Damn. I suppose the answer is STILL no, no matter how you put it. Which, really ya know, most likely should have been pretty damn obvious, simply because STUFF in and of itself can't make you happy. Happiness, when you really get down to the nitty-grittiness of it, is all in your head. The only way that money could 'buy' you happiness is if you brought enough psychotropic drugs to convince your brain that you were ALWAYS happy, and even then, I'm thinking there's a limit to how much you can fool Mother Nature. 

So yeah, after that vigrous round of mental fondling *ooohhhh - what a pretty brain you have... ;) ;)* I'm still going to have to stick with my original answer - Nah, it can't make you happier. It came make life easier, it can give you more stuff (and more drugs) but in the end *cue sappy music* only YOU can make you happy.

Reshaping 2: Awarness

Let's see - where to start?? Went swimming last night, the back of my arms are reminding me rather forecefully of that fact.  The folx at the Y - including the delightful CaraMuscle - remembered me (heh) and asked if I was realyl going to start coming back. Bleh. It wasn't until later that the 'ugly' thoughts - "Did they say that because it's obvious how FAT I am - and how much bigger I am from before??" started popping in, but no, I think they were really just interested. Saw my associate swim teacher, and she noted that she hasn't seen ANY of my classmates since the class ended. The pool was EMPTY when I got there, and by the time I left (about 1/2 hour later) there were two other fellows - doing much better laps than me, by the by.

Ya know, one thing I'm REALLY going to have to work on in ALL aspects of my life - is the expection of perfection on the first try. Also - how do I know how far to push myself? In other words what is the difference between working to exhaustion, and giving up because I'm too lazy to actually push myself that far? And then of course - it's like - well maybe I AM working to exhaustion, and if I go any further, I'll start to run the risk of the first time excerciser of OVER-working and hurting myself and screwing up the whole plan. For example - last night, those last 2 laps were fucking AGONY. I mean - seriously - my damn arms just didn't WANT to work. I THINK that was exhaustion, as serisouly - if I was in the middle of the ocean, and that shit happened, I woulda drowned. However, was it right to say 'Okay, that's the end of my time' and climb out of the pool, or should I have given myself some rest time, and gone back in and done another 9? I chose to climb out last night, and with the slight strain in my arms, I think I made the right choice - I've clearly WORKED my muscles as they are 'tender' but I haven't worked them so hard that I'm thinking lifting weights tonight is TOTALLY out of the question - so, that's good, yes? That's the general state that I should be in, yes?? I was in the pool for about 20 minutes - working and with the high breathing and heart rate the whole time. I know the goal should be 30 minutes - but that's the GOAL, not where I should be starting at.... *sigh*  ANY movement/increased rate is better than the none I've started out with, yes?? Yes, dammit. So - I figure that my first goal should be to do 9 laps straight through (alternating backstroke and crawl), without stopping in the middle of the damn lap. Then, move up to 18, and be able to do all 18 the same way. Then 27, then 36 - a full mile. Holy shit.
Figuring out what my starting weight for the weightlifting is going to be - interesting - I need to look up online and see if there are any guidelines for someone who isn't WEAK, but who is also starting out for the first time in a WHILE. The guidelines that I have of when to increase the weights says that once I can do two more reps after finishing the 'set' number of sets & reps, I need to up the weight. So, maybe I'll just start low - I need to refresh my memory, but I believe the goal is to be close to exhaustion, if not AT exhaustion the last rep of each set.

Speaking of starting weights - FIFTY ONE INCH HIPS???? Holy fuck! At least my hips are bigger than my waist though - and ya notice, I want to lose roughly the same amount (15 from the waist, 12 from the hips) which would keep me in proportion - just a bit tighter. But - oh. my. god. I mean - that's actually MORE shocking than my weight. That number doesn't bother me so much - but 51 inches???? oh, fuck nawh. That's just a tiny bit more than a foot less than my damn HEIGHT is. Oh, HELLLL nawh.   
One good thing (I suppose you could say) is that my set weight didn't spring up when I gained the weight back - I started at 230 the last time (or 236....) and I've gone right back up to that, and stopped there. Did I ever talk about the Underburner book that I got? It's an interesting book, but I'll need to re-read it to see if it's really applicable. It was a thin lil book, but I suppose it was worthwhile. But it's - odd to me, that without doing ANYTHING - that's my 'set weight' Yes, it's 90 pounds OVER what I should weigh, but - it's a set weight. The question is - why the hell is my SET weight so bloody high??

Ah yes - another thing that is fueling my current body-consious goal - I'm very much at risk for Type 2 diabetes, and really, nah dude - not trying to support the pharmacuetical industry like that just because I won't take care of myself. Shit, nawh.

Let's see - what else? Lunch today - a chicken thigh, two cherry tomatoes, an avacado, some salad dressing, and some salt. No brekkie (naughty!) and dinner - eh, most likely more chicken. Or maybe some soup.

No clue. I'll figure something out.