Bugger, but I'm moody.

Broody, moody, grumpy, introspective.

That's me. I haven't been writing much (anywhere) unless it's superficial stuff. I have good days at work, and good days at home, but the good days at home make the majority of the days at work so much more - futile feeling.

And usually, when I'm feeling rather pointless, I don't write. How - interesting. When I was younger, the only time I COULD write was while I was neckdeep in some sort of teenage angst - now..... just nothing.

Maybe it's because I KNOW it's all a matter of timing, and really, I'm just being impatient/inefficient/lazy, and I refuse to bitch about things that I can change - but aren't.

I slept like CRAP over the weekend too, which I'm sure adds to it. I simply could NOT get comfortable - and actually it was just Saturday and Sunday night. Both Thursday and Friday night I slept - normally. Saturday night, I might not have gotten a full HOUR straight of sleep. I would start to fall asleep, then try to get comfy, then drift off, then wake up 40 minutes later, then take another 30 minutes to go back to sleep, then repeat, and repeat, and repeat. I gave up, and got up around 7am, simply because it was so FRUSTRATING trying to get comfy.  Was awake all day - finally drifted off (after a sinfully good meal) on the couch, was sleep for about 2.5 hours (now THAT was lovely) and then spent another 3 hours trying to get sleepy enough to GO to sleep (I woke up around 9:30 or so). I didn't WANT to go to bed, as I was scared that it would be like the night before.  I drank some water, went potty twice, curled up under my good blankie, and it still took me about 45 minutes to go to sleep, I woke up twice to go potty and nce when C came to bed, and that was about it. I still slept WAY too lightly, and I'm grumpy/irked/tired now. *glares* *sighs* And my leg STILL hurts. It's like I don't get the usual menstrual cramps, my thighs just ache. It's not PAINFUL, it's jsut bloody damn uncomfy. *squirms & sighs*

Well, at least it's Monday. It seems - wrong somehow, to inflict this sort of sourpussedness on any day of the week besides Monday.

*sigh* I suppose I should eat some lunch - if I want to lose weight that is. And can I tell you how personally tearjerkingly frustrating it is to be aware that I have to do what I've trained myself not to do (eat, that is - frequently - no ED over here - I don't think) in order to lose weight??!?!? All these YEARS of eating the tiniest bit possbile - and come to find out I've been sabatoging myself. It's bloody irksome, is what it is.

So - I'm falling more and more in love with my color. I've more or less given up on giving it a name - it's just purty.

I'm kinda sad, hairwise - I'm still VERY disappointed in myself for picking out/at my hair enough to break it off so badly. It's definitely a learning experience, and it's also a quick confirmation that I shan't be doing any bigchops. I'm still discovering REALLY short pieces - I have a few areas where there is just a little 'puff' of hair about an inch long. *weeps* I can't BELIEVE I did that!
I BRIEFLY considered getting most of it cut off, and starting with virgin hair (despite DH's insistence that there was a clause in our vows stating that my hair would never be shorter than his unless it was cut by a medical professional *LOL*) but, um. No. I think that this is about the shortest my hair has ever been natural (it was a bit shorter in my first permcut) and it's - odd. To have gone so rapidly from below shoulder length (my original locs length) to shoulder length (after I hacked off about 4 inches from my locs to try to give them some body) to barely earlobe length (after I pulled my locs out) to above ear length (now!) in a matter of - 6 months, shall we say - is - weird. Ocassionally, I'll have a REALLY funny dream, and I'll dream that the progression in length will happen just as fast. HAHAHAH. *clears throat* Um, so, anyhow.

I've put together my henna schedule -

Henna #1: 7/28/2006
Henna #2 : 8/11/2006
Henna #3 : 8/25/2006
Henna #4 : 9/8/2006
Henna #5 : 9/22/2006
Henna #6 : 10/6/2006
Henna #7 : 10/27/2006 (Three week gap, rather than two, as the previous weekend would be our housewarming party!)
Henna #8 : 11/10/2006
Henna #9: 11/21/2006

So - that gets me right into December. Now, I already KNOW that my hair doesn't grow nearly as fast in the winter as it does in the summer. I really think that it's the exposure to sun on my head that stimulates my hair to grow - just like a plant. I'm considering getting braids put in (but I know how them Africans like to braid you so tight, you get an instant facelift! I'd have to vett them carefully to be sure I don't stress my hairline) and keeping them for *thinks* 10 weeks - which would get me through the worst of the winter - then maybe taking them out, leaving my hair loose for two weeks, henna'ing, then getting them put BACK in, and keeping them for another 10 weeks, and then taking them out in prep for the warm growing months. So - that schedule would look like this....

Braids #1: 11/22/2006-2/16/2007
Henna #10: 2/17/2007
Braids #2: 3/2/2007 - 4/27/2007

And while it is still cool in April, that IS about the time of the year (if I remember aright) where I would have to shift to a monthly loc tightening schedule, rather than a every other month/every 6 weeks schedule. So - I figure by then - assuming a 3/4 inch growth rate during the warmer months (now-Oct), and a 1/2 inch growth rate during the colder months (Nov-April) , I should rack up..... *quick post-it calculation* about 5 inches by March, which I suspect would leave me with about earlobe length hair. Hm. I can't complain about that - esp. since during 5 months of that time, it would be up in braids, anyhow.

I'm still mad at myself, though. But, I certianly do understand the exhortations to treat your hair like old lace - it's soo fragile.

I've decided to wait on the WO until after I finish the every other week henna'ing adventures - that might be asking too much of my hair. And if I get braids, I might start doing it - it'll be winter, my scalp produces less oil then anyhow, and I could just condition the ends of the braids to be sure that my hair stays nice and moisturized under there. Or, I might still wait, and just use up the PooBar.

Me no know. I'll see how I feel once I'm done with the henna cycle - and see how dark my hair is then! Heck - I might not even make it through all 8 henna's - if my hair starts turning black, it might not be worth it. *giggles* One funny thing about doing the henna this way - I doubt that many people will notice that I'm changing my hair color, because it will happen gradually. We shall see.

I'm so excited about the henna - I LOVE this color - love it! It's deepened more - still not red, but - copper. It's sooooooooo pretty. I still have the super dark roots, but that's no suprise - I'm almost positive that the henna was too thick.

I also got my Oyin shipment yesterday - the large WP, the large HoneyHemp conditioner, and the Poobar. I put the WP in the fridge, as I doubt that I will go through the sample size one in 2 months, and I want to keep it fresh. The HH and the Poo bar went into the bathroom cabinent.

Funnily enough, since I am considering going WO, I'm not sure how much use I'm going to get out of the Poo Bar.

Speaking of which, I joined a challenge on the Nappturality forum - a 3 month Challenge to do nothing to your hair but twist, wash, and retwist it for 3 months. I actually plan on making it a four month challenge, and I'm going to henna my hair each time. I'm going to do four months, because by then (8 applications of henna) I figure that my hair will most likely be almost as dark as it's going to go, and I'll be able to see my growth rate really clearly. *sighs*

I'm honestly REALLY down about the damage I've done to my hair - esp since it was out of pure LAZINESS. I KNOW that having my hair is twists is so much better of a protective style than the afro (I mean, not combing for 2 weeks, vs combing every other day? And preventing tangles and knots???) but - I just didn't FEEL like doing it. I'm trying to think of a reasonable schedule, but - eh. I think that having to cut off 2-3 inches from ONE side of my hair - so that my hair isn't OBVIOUSLY lopsided was a painful lesson well learned. *shakes head*

Anyhow!! I need to check on my Sweet Success Oil - I don't think I've gotten a shipment notification yet.

I so, so, so, SOOO have to keep my hands OUT of my hair. I twisted it, and not only was the left side (the side my hands are constantly in - pulling, tugging, twisting, 'fixing' knots) was a GOOD two inches shorter - and a good bit thinner - than the right. *sighs*
So, I guess I've had a 'mini-chop'. I sat here and trimmed my twists the best I could - cutting out a lot of damaged hair (which felt so deceptively silky by that time because of the WP), as well as evening out the sides of my head. I left the top and back a little longer - it'll be interesting seeing what it looks like when my hair is all out again - and I might do a bit of a snipsnip again.

Interestingly enough, it only took me - what - 3.5 hours to twist my hair - which is MUCH faster than usual. I think it was because I didn't have to fight my hair NEARLY as much to get it into smooth parts because it's looser. I would be MORE than willing to keep my hair in twists 90% of the time if I can twist it that fast. And - *sighs* if it's in twists, it'll be easier for me to keep my fingers out of my head.

So. I can't wait to get the Sweet Success Oil - I'm going to be massaging the doghell out of my scalp.

And- the henna!!! I LOVE the color. Oh my god - I love it. It's - almost indescribable - I call it Autumn. Like - the orange and red of maples leaves, lit by sun. Did I mention the shine? My hair - GLOWS. It looks almost like pure copper. IT's GOR-FREAKING-GEOUS. My poor broken off tightly curled ends show up like metallic flakes on my dark dark brown roots (which look to be the SAME color - once again, I think the henna was too thick). It's - gorgeous. I'm SOOOOOO happy with the henna experiment.

Water Only Thoughts

So, I've been reading the thread about using only water to wash your hair, and I'm rather honestly intrigued.
When I had locs, I rarely felt a NEED to wash my hair. My hair didn't seem to get dirty - it would smell good most of the time, but sometimes i would just feel the NEED to wash my hair. However, I would condition my hair on a regular basis just to keep it feeling soft and flexible.

Now, with loose hair, I still rarely feel the need to WASH it - that was one of the main reasons I switched to co-washing - because my hair so very rarely gets dirty, but I need to keep it conditioned.

After reading most of the WO thread (I'm on page 86 of 101) I'm thinking that WO might work for me. I noticed a few days ago what when I give myself a scalp massage, my hair gets VERY soft and conditioned - and I'm wondering if it's because I'm spreading the sebum down my hair strands, and my natural oils and juices and enough for my hair.

My main concern though - I NEED to put something into my hair to get the tangles out - that's mainly why I use conditioner now - to comb through my hair. But - at the same time, I've begun to notice that MOST - I'd say 90% of my tangles are caused by either shed hair, or broken ends getting tangled on the ends of my hair. Now! I figure that hopefully *crossing fingers tightly* the henna will strengthen my poor, poor overprocessed ends enough so that they won't break off as much. And! I figure that the Sweet Success Oil (Moondancer's Blend) will help the shedding (as most folx who use it say that they shed a LOT less).
In addition, if the henna loosen my curls some, I figure that whatever sheds/breaks will be more able to leave my hair without tying itself to my ends.

Also, I've been thinking about using honey as a 'combthrough' - something that won't strip the sebum off my hair (does honey strip sebum???) but at the same time, will give me enough slip that I can comb through.

Excited, am I. Let me go and finish reading this thread, and I'll post a few questions to the thread to clear things up.

Henna VERY Happy!!

This is going to be long timestamped entry.


I got home around 6pm, and promptly began putting together the mix for henna.

100g Henna
1 cup hot red wine
3/4 cup hot water
tiny sample of pectin
1/2 cup of honey

I used the pectin to try to make the henna more 'gel-like' since I was mixing honey into the henna to allow it to wash out better.

6:18 - Mix all put together, very warm, put paper towels on it to see when the dye released, and put it on the porch outside. Took pre-pictures of the hair - finally changed the lighting settings on the camera in order to get my hair REAL color - you can actually see the three different colors - my 1.5 inches of dark roots, the 0.5 inches of lighter orange hair right next to the roots, and the 4-6 inches of darker orange hair to my tips.

6:33 - Pulled out the 15 minute strip - a little bit of dye release, but not enough to put in. I pulled out the latex gloves and saran wrap - I suspect the 30 minute strip will have enough dye release to put on. I also mixed up some honey & water in a spray bottle to use to mist my hair so it'll be little damp when the henna is ready. While I waited, I read the 100odd page long water Only Thread.... I elaborated my thoughts on that in the previous entry.

6:50 - whoohoo!! Dye release is almost certain now, I brought the henna back inside, and put a sample dot on my heel - my usual dye release check point. THe henna is VERY thick and goopy - I think that adding the honey will make it perfectly gel like for my hair. Okay - off to spray more water in my hair so that the henna will flow better. Okay - added half a cup of honey - it made it looser, but still rather thick.

7:20 - Allrighty!! Henna is in hair - I could have made it a good bit thinner, or made my hair wetter - I smushed and squished it in as much as I could - *laughs* I CERTAINLY don't need to worry about any drips now! I hope that the pectin doesn't gel it too much. Can I say though, my head is HOT. HOT. But then, I'm in an un-airconditioned house, so maybe it just hot out here.


7:56 - Though, I have to admit, it is heavy. I can smell it a little, but thankfully, I LIKE the smell of henna. And my neck is a little sticky from the honey - but, I'll be fine!!
I'm online talking to a friend of mine, and I realized - henna looks exactly like SWAMPMUD.

It's freaking fabulous.


8:15 - Hmmm. I'm actually getting some drippies down the back of my neck. I don't know if it's from the little bit of water that was inside my showercap (or maybe condensation) because I'm dabbing at drips, and they seem to be coming out pretty clear.

10:06 - It's still on my hair, still damp, I can smell it more now. Did I mention that I like the smell of henna?? I'm glad, because I can smell it more now. I think there might me wine on my fingers - my eyes are stinging a little when I rub them - or maybe that is leftover henna. The gloves were dyed a DELIGHTFULLY bright orange color - just in the 20 minutes it took for me to squish the henna into my hair. I'm sitting under a ceiling fan, so I'm hoping that the slighty cooler air flowing over my head is slowing the dye release a little so that I can have a longer 'soak' time.
Hmm. That's interesting. These number are completely imaginary, but work with me. Let's say that a henna is cool - 70 degrees, say, when you leave it on your head. And, because it's that temperature, it takes the henna - 24 hours to demise.
On the other hand, let's say a henna is warmer - 90 degrees say, when you leave it on your head. And, because it's that temperature, it takes the henna - 14 hours to demise.
You leave both henna's on your hair for 12 hours. Which temperature will produce a deeper dye - the warmer one (that demises faster, so more of the dye leaves the henna and enters your hair) or..................................

Hm. I think I just answered my own question. I need to keep my head HOT.
Hmmm.


10:20 - Okay. I just put a dishtowel soaked in hot water on my head, put another showercap on top of it, and turned the fan down. *laugh* I know, I was complaining about it being hot earlier, but it's cooled down a lot since then.
Anyhow - following my earlier thoughts....
Henna's demising is basically the point at which henna has given up almost all of it's lawsone molecules. And - whether it gives up it's molecules to water (in the case of a henna that is left too long in the sun before you put it on your hair) or if it gives up it's molecules to your hair (which, is kinda what we want - to dye it, right?) it's going to give up it's molecules in a geometric progression based on its temperature.
So. Really, you want this swampmud to be on your hair for as short of a time as possible - but at the same time, you want it to give up the most dye it possibly can. So - the warmer, and moister (so that it doesn't dry into a clay headdress) you keep the henna on your head, the shorter amount of time you have to have it on your head in order to get the most dye out.

Hmmm. I wonder if it really works like that.

10:39 - EEEwwwwwwwwwwww!!! I just touched a piece of hair over my ear (it's a little exposed to the air) and it's hard and gooey. Like, old gum. *shudder* Old, water soluble gum (I hope). *wiggles washcloth on head* It still feels damp - I'm going to be in SUCH a hard spot if this stuff dries on my hair. *gulp* *checks other side of hair* Hmm - it's the same way over here. But - I think it's dry, but it's still softish. I think I'll be cool - it's going to take me FOREVER to rinse this out. MUST make it thinner next time.

11:00 - I have to admit, I keep touching this piece of hair on my hairline that I pulled the goo balls off of (won't be doing THAT anymore - my head is sore) and - it's amazing. My hair feels soft, flexible, and enourmously strong. *happy grin*

11:22 - Oh, it also feels MUCH straighter. Mwuaahahahaaaa!!!
Hmm. And, I can't smell the henna nearly as much anymore. *wiggles washcloth again* feels like it's starting to dry out a little. It's been what - 3 hours? No, four. *shakes head* Though, I normally only leave the regular stuff on for about 2 hours... this is natural, so. Argh. MUCH thinner next time.

11:46 - Hmmm. I'm starting to get tired, and my heads REALLY heavy. I think I'll finish the last of my wine, and go to bed.

Good Night!!


12:31 - Okay, I lied. I wasn't tired, I was HUNGRY. It's odd, actually noticing when my blood sugar drops now. I had a sandwich, and I feel EVER so much better. I'll still be in bed in a bit, but - sheee - at least I'll be going to bed comfy!


[b] The Next Day [/b]


7:40 - Oh, Rise and Shine. Or should that be Rinse & Shine?? :D I'm 'working from home' (oh, the benefits of being a computer geek) so I have to do a little work before I hop into the shower and start the VERY long (I'm sure) Process of rinsing this out. My hairline around the back is dry to this morning, but everything under the saran wrap is still damp and oozy. We shall see.

8:50 - Okay, work is at a point where I can go and rinse. Wish me luck!!

9:15 - WOW. That rinsed out AMAZINGLY easy. I ended up standing in a tub of greeny muddy water (SsswwwaaaammmppppMUD!!!!), but - it still rinsed out really easy. However, my hair is SOOOO dry. Oh my god, so very, very dry. Note to self - MUCH less acid next time - try 1.5 cups of hot water to a half cup of red wine. I LOVE the honey though - I'm sure that's what helped it rinse out so well.
Oh....you wanna know about the color, eh. It's - not NEARLY as dark as I had expected (too thick) but - I LOVE the color. It's orange as ALLL get out - I mean, ORANGE. So. Now, it's decision time. I could mix up another batch...I'm thinking that I should use 50g, and use the same amount of liquid, and honey. It'll be drippier, but, I think it'll soak in better) and use it right off, but I think I want to wait a day or two to see what color it oxides too....but I definitely know that I want to go deeper. *grins*
My hair is DOUSED in conditioner and honey right now - I think that this might REALLY prompt a bit of a trim. If I plan on doing that, I'm going to have to do it before hubby gets home.
Also!! My curl is WAYYYY looser. I mean - WAAY looser.
So, I'll leave this condish in for about two hours or so, then rinse it out and see what it looks like.

10:45 - okay, I couldn't go the full two hours, I had to start combing out my hair. Oh, my, GOD. I might lose my Napptural card for this, but the henna has SOOOO loosened my coils!! I almost have - CURLS now. *sqqqqqqqquuuueeeeeeee* Okay, I'm almost done combing it, and then I'm going to go and rinse out the conditioner. *sniffs hair* I smell henna again....we shall see what color it ends up being.

11:02 - Oh. Wow. Wow. My hair - she is soft. And loosely coily. And - it's already turning a richer, deeper red color rather than orange. My coils have SOOO been loosened up. I'm going to dry my hair a little, then spray this mister I just whipped up (honey, a lil ACV, a lil olive oil, water, and a touch of Oyin HoneyHemp conditioner (my favorite!!)) into my hair, and see how she acts.
My hair always acts like hot stuff when it's wet - the DRY state is what really matters.

11:36 - I'm in love, really. I had to grab a hand mirror so that I can admire my hair from the couch. It's sooo soft. Sooo loose. It reminds me of how my hair looked in this baby picture I have of myself. Man.... THIS hair long would be - stunning. I wonder how much the curls will return after a few days. It's interesting - now I can actually see how SHORT my hair is. Man, but it's short. I actually think that I'm going to twist it today - since I won't have to fight with my hair to put a part into it. THe color is still getting darker, so I think that I will be willing to wait til next weekend to redo the henna. I can see this being an every weekend thing for a while. Hmmm... if I use 50g each time, I've got two months worth of henna. For 36 bucks, that's not bad - esp if I can stop using other products.
And did I mention how SHINY it is?? Sheesh - a camera can't even capture this! I don't have quite so many tangles, but I still have some knots. My hair feels - slightly sticky on the ends - I suspect it might be from the honey that was in the spray (which, by the way, seems WONDERFUL). I'm going to use some of Oyins Whipped Pudding to do the twists - and then, I'm going to trim the crunchy horrid damaged hair off of the bottom of each twist - I've been meaning to do this for a while, but I just never felt like twisting my hair!

So, I guess this is the end of the Henna Happy Experiment, Part One.
I learned a lot, and I'm VERY pleased with the results - I can't wait to see how it changes tomorrow.

Sooo.... I want to start making a list of stuff that I want to buy/try in my hair.


Internal Health
Hair vitamins - biotin, MSM


External Health
ACV Rinses


Stimulation
Moonchaser's Sweet Success Hair Oil
Wild Growth Hair Oil
Scalp Massages

Honey

So - last week, I scooped up some honey. I planned on mixing it with the henna so that it would rinse out easier (once I get my henna!!) but Friday I realized that my hair was really, really dry. I'm suspecting it's because the temperature was in the high 90's low 100's all week, and despite actually being a good girl and co-rinsing my hair twice that week - it just wasn't enough to keep a healthy bit of moisture in the hair.
So - Saturday, I came here and rummaged around to see what kind of information there was about honey. I remembered that SMT had honey in it, but I didn't have any aloe vera gel, so I knew that was out. However, I stumbled across a few threads that said that they just mixed the honey with some conditioner, tossed it into their hair, and it came out wonderful.

I promptly got up, whipped up a batch of conditioner and honey (half & half) put it into my dry hair (it was MUCH more runny than I expected - I understood why they said you should mix it with a THICK conditioner), slapped a showercap on top, and sat for a couple of hours. I had sticky spots behind my ears and down my neck, but I could feel my hair soaking in the moisture. I rinsed it out shortly before I left the house to go clubbing, and I noticed that my hair was DEFINITELY softer, and seemed less tangled. I had PLANNED on following up with an ACV rinse, since I know that helps close the cuticles and reduces the tangliness- but then I was invited out, and I didn't want to worry about smelling like - well, a douche. And yes, yes, I know you aren't supposed to be able to smell the ACV after it dries, but I wasn't willing to test it out in the club!!

So! I liked the honey - it made my hair nice and soft - but it felt a lil crunchy after it dried completely. I'm not sure if it was maybe because I put it on dry hair, or if I didn't wash all the honey out or something - but I thought maybe I just used too much honey, so next time, I would use 2 parts conditioner to 1 part honey.

I did that this morning - I figured that if my hair isn't THAT tangled, I might as well comb it out and recondition it to see if it would get a little softer. I mixed 2 pt condish with 1pt honey (and emptied out a conditioner bottle, so now I have something convienent to hold the honey in!!) and slapped it into my hair (wet this time) and let it sit while I washed my body.

My hair actualyl felt - SOFT. Like - almost to that mushy feeling that I think hair get's when it's over-conditioned/too moist - but it combed out like a dream - I barely had to tug the comb through it at ALL - and it stayed that way after I rinsed it out - it was - amazing, quite honestly. I've NEVER seen my hair so, so - SOFT. I've been pulling at my 'tanglespot' (behind my left ear) all day, and I've got tangles - but they come apart SO much easier.

Another good thing I noticed was that a LOT of shed hair came out. I have - outrageously thick hair, and a large part of my tangles is shed hair 'tying' itself around the ends of my hair - so I might have a strand that is three times longer than it should be because it's created from three strands of hair tied together end to end. Because my hair is dyed, I can INSTANTLY tell the difference between shed hair and broken off hair - my shed hair has a 1.5 inch long black 'root', whereas the browkn off ones are golden brown/orange all the way from root to tip. So - as I was combing through my slowly drying hair this morning, I was SHOCKED to see how much shed hair was coming out - and quite throughly pleased, I must admit.

So - Honey is going to be a permanent addition to my bathroom now!!!

Weigh-in and Whinging

Starting weight: 246
Last week's weight: 241
Current weight: 238
This week's loss: 3
Total loss:  8
STG: 220
LTG: 140

Arghh. I didn't weigh-in last week because I got on the scale and was just CRUSHED by the reading - crushed I tell you.  Especially since, in my mind, I had been eating SOO well. 
But - thanks to FitDay, I reviewed what I had eaten, and realized while I WAS eating WELL, I wasn't eating ENOUGH. Gah. Can I tell you how FRUSTRATING it is to FORCE yourself to eat in order to lose weight? The delights of a famine-trained metabolism. 

Anyhow, I ate MUCH better last week - and I see the results on the scale.  Yayy! For me.

So, I know that I have no RIGHT to whine about this - but - I must. 
I've always been a fat girl - always, always always.  And, as a side effect of that - in my mind - things got a little twisted. 
The less I ate, the more pleased I was with myself - I felt like I was trumping my natural urge to eat and eat and eat - and thus pack on more and more pounds.  I trained myself to ignore hunger signals, and to drink water to cover them up.  And even as I had this pride in eating so little, it was rather pointless, considering I was STILLL gaining weight. 
Then, I started using FitDay, and I realized that even eating a little wasn't all that hot if it was packed with fat and calories.  So - I began to train myself to eat small bits of good food - not fried, as fresh as possible, and as natural as possible - and still, I was pleased when I ate the absolute minimum - never cleaning my plate, never eating as much as my husband does. 
Then, I started talking to this hardcore fitness fellow, and he gave me some suggestions and guidelines (that I then researched myself) and I realized that I have been starving myself for YEARS - therefore every bit of fat my body could store it would, because it didn't believe that it was guarenteed a good, healthy, stable source of food.  

I could cry.  All these years, ALL THESE YEARS, of eating tiny portions, and feeling so noble, and - I've been sabatoging myself the entire time. And I had - have - a certain sense of pride (even now) in being able to comfortably go for an entire day without eating.  It feels - right. It feels ever so much righter than finishing off a huge plate of chicken and greens, or scarfing down a tabuli sandwich the size of my head. But - I've seen - the difference over the last two weeks has shown me that as SOON as I start eating LESS - I gain weight.  

I suppose I should be celebrating! I should throw all of those old calorie calculations out of the window, and make sure that every day I get at lelast 100g of protien, 100g of carbs, and 50g of fat - those should be my goals.  But - I still stare at the fridge, or the food on my plate, and I groan at the thought of eating.  I don't WANT to eat, I'd much rather NOT eat, and I rarely have a taste or an appetite for anything (healthy) anyhow.  But - If I really want to lose weight - I have to force myself to eat.  I wonder how long it'll be (if ever) before my metabolism is back to normal? Or am I going to be forced to eat at that delicate line between eating the max I can and overeating for the rest of my life?  

At least I know the trick now.  It sucks, sucks majorly to have to force myself to eat, but dammit - I have to force myself to exericse, to go to bed at a decent hour, and everything else that is useful and helpful and not completely natural....I just wish something could be EASY!!!




Got throughly pissed off today, as the cleaning crew decided that RIGHT BEFORE lunch on a MONDAY was a good time to go through and 'clean' the fridge out, which really means they picked up everyones food and threw it out because one persons food smelled bad.  Now, mind you, I try to bring a weeks worth of food with me to work on Mondays so that I don't have ANY excuse to not eat lunch.  3 chicken breasts, about 5 or 6 chicken wings, and like three or four CUPS of my barley pilaf - all in the trash.  *angry face* I can't even - I mean - the - STUPIDITY - of doing something like that - I mean - DAMN!! That was a LOT of food. Thankfully, they didn't throw out my yogurt, cuz if they had, I might have had to go apeshit on them. 
*sigh* so now, I need to figure out what lunch is going to be.  I ransacked my desk drawers today and came up with Miso Soup, an apple, some peanut butter and some crackers - wayyyy too light on the protien and too high on the simple carbs (I can feel myself getting sleepy already) but - at least it'll tide me over til I get home. I'm still so PISSED that they did that though!! Sheesh!! At least give folxs a DAYS warning - just a LITTLE bit of a heads up. 
Bastids.

*weeps*

I just got a notification in my junk mail that the electronic shipping label for my henna was created, and it should have shipped out yesterday. Dammit! I knew I should have ponied up the extra loot to get it here earlier.

Well. Since I won't be henna'ing this weekend, I suppose I should dedicate myself to stripping the last of the wallpaper off the walls of the craft room. That way, I can lesuirely (and guiltfreely) henna myself NEXT weekend. Hmmm....maybe I'll even take Friday off - just to give myself a three day weekend (in case I need to Henna twice!) That way, I can henna on Thursday night, sleep in it (cuz I'm hardcore yo!) and give it a chance to oxidize, and STILL be able to redo it on Sunday if needed. *vaguely happier*

*quivering pouty lip*

Danggone it!

Six Things

I thought that just MAYBE not writing an entry would shield me, but nooooo - the darling Ms.Diva STILL tagged me.  Ya'll know the rules.

1. I constantly pick and pull at my hair. Alllll the time, and usually on my left side (cuz the right hand is occupied by a mouse). At work, I sweep up all sorts of strands of little curls of hair. I usually just play with the texture, but if I find a knot or a tangle (and there are a lot of them) I've gotta worry at it til it's gone. TMI Alert - at home, I'll catch myself plucking out pubes. *shrugs* what can I say?? When sprawled out on the couch, thats a hairy area closer to my hands than my hair.

2. I hate crossing my own path. The extent that I will go to walk in a circle from my desk to the bathroom (or coffee machine, or another coworkers desk) is sometimes rather funny. Most of the time I don't notice it - until I realize I'm going out of my way. I do the same thing at home. I do the same thing when I'm driving - I really don't LIKE going someplace if I have to doubleback at some point - unless it's absolutely required.

3. I used to eat toliet paper (FRESH! Unused! Clean!) as a child, and up to college I would still sneak a nibble every now and then.  Now, I only nibble if the paper is particularly tempting smelling - usually older, very dry books. I have several paperback books where part of the last (usually blank) page is missing because I wanted a nibble.

4.  Look at your fingers. Look at the number of lines on each finger. Most people have three lines (not including the line at the VERY base of the finger where it joins the palm) on each finger.  The lines usually line up with your knuckles (ie, in your finger bends). My right hand ring finger has four lines - five if you include the one at the base. I firmly believe that it's proof positive I'm an alien. I've met two or three other people like this, and they've all been delightfully odd.

5. When I'm particularily irritated at someone - usually a random stranger or a coworker - and doing absolutely ANYTHING about it would be pointless, I will start humming (or singing) an arabic tune that I used to sing at Eid.  I can't remember what the heck it means, and I'm usually through a rendition or two before I realize it, but it's very soothing. Let's see if I can try to write it out.

Hasbi-rabi-jairullah
Mafi-qalbi-gai-ru-lah
Nur-ul-Muhammed sa-lah-lah
La-illah-ha-ill-lalah.

I'm sure I butchhhhhered the transliteration (besides the fact that I'm not even sure I'm singing the actual words!) but still. That's it.

6.  I can walk on the sides of my feet.  Basically - I can turn my feet inward far enough that the bottom of my feet are facing each other, and then walk. *gets up to double check that I can still do it* *sighs* I'm getting old - it's not nearly as comfy as it was when I did it as a child and drove my mother and grandmother crazy (I would wear down the OUTSIDES of my shoes rather than the bottom) but I can still do it. Huh. I bet that hyperflexibility is why I've sprained my ankles sooooo many times.

There ya go. Six odd, weird, slightly twisted things about me.  If  I was in an especially evil mood, I'd tag people, but I get to leave work in FOUR minutes, and that makes me a cheerful bonny.  Tag yourself (and my mind immeadiately shifted to thinking - "that almost sounds like I'm telling ya'll to touch yourself - am I telling my readers to jack/jill off?).  Anyhow - take it however you like. ;)

 

My Products

So - I figured I'd note what products I use now - what I like, what I don't, so that if I forget, I can have a place to remember. At some point, I want all of my products to be kitchen products.....

Cowashing: White Rain Moisturizing Conditioner (Big Lots, 88 cents for 32 oz)
Clarifying: WRMC + 1/2 cup of water + heaping teaspoon baking soda.
Leave-In: Oyin's HoneyHemp Conditioner finger combed into wet hair.

I have the rest of the Oyin sample pack (whipped pudding, shine & define, greg juice) but the HH is the main thing I use. I honestly don't really LIKE the greg juice - I don't think that my hair likes liquid glycerine - it feels sticky and crunchy all at once. The WP might end up more on my skin than on my hair, and if I ever decide to twist my hair again, I'll use the S&D - otherwise, it'll languish in my cabinent.

I haven't settled on a deep conditioner yet - I'm not sure that I NEED one, considering that I sleep in conditioner at least once a week. What use is a deep conditioner? Protiens in my hair makes my hair crunchy/strawlike feeling - the ONLY time I've ever used them were immeadiately after a dyejob, when my hair needed ressurection. Oil just sits on top of my hair (though a hot oil treatment sounds sinfully luxurious) - and any conditioner with cones in it make my hair crunchy as well. So. But! I think that the henna might deep condition my hair - I plan on using it once a month until I'm happy with the color - then I'll most likely start glossing. I wonder if I can just mix henna in with my conditioner, and if it will continue to condition even after the dye demises? Ah well, if I really think I need a deep conditioner, I MIGHT sacrifice my HH for it - but I REALLLY like it as a leave-in.

Henna Happy

So!!

I've always wanted red hair - always. Since I've been aware of the ability to change hair color, I always knew that I wanted - nay, needed - to be a redhead.

However - I've got that good stubborn hairtype stuff on my head, and despite going through almost every brand of hair coloring, I was never able to get REALLY red hair.
In - May, I believe it was, of last year I bleached my locks, and dyed them red. It looked good - very good actually, but the red drained out in a matter of months - and I ended up with mostly blond ends - and very strained, dead, limp, locks.
I took out my locks in May, and not having learned the bleaching = strained hair lesson previously - I gleefully jumped into bleaching my hair ultra PLANTINUM blond

, and dying it a rich, rich red on top of it.

Finally - I had my RED hair.

Just to keep track of it in my own head, I did this the weekend we moved into the house - so let's say May 1st.

But - in a matter of 2 and a half months (I't what - the middle of July now?), not only do I have roughly an inch and a half of new growth, my hair is also slightly more orange than it is red. :((



I desparately wanted my red back - like, crazy desparate. I mean - it's ALREADY been bleached, I might as well take advantage of it, eh? But - at the same time, I started learning more about my hair, and about how to hug it and squeeze and hold it and love it, and I decided that I reallllly wanted to see just how long my hair could get. Natural. Loose. Healthy. Long. And none of those things - esp. the healthy and long part would be supported by dying my hair again. But, man, I REALLLY wanted to be a redhead.

Starting talking to one of my girls, who happens to have some of the most GORGEOUS long, henna'd red hair (I wonder if she's on this site???), and she suggested that rather than me dye it (after I casually mentioned that I had picked up some dye from Sally's that day) I henna it. I knew that she henna'd her hair, and I SOOOO loved the color - and I knew that she has naturally brown hair.

I HONESTLY don't know why henna'ing my hair never occured to me. I think that because my previous henna experiences were rather - twiggy - I never thought that henna COULD be a fine enough powder to actually get into - and more importantly get OUT of - my curly coily hair. But - I trust this friend, and I love her hair - so I started reading about henna.

The more I read, the more excited I got.

Henna gently joins WITH your hair - actually seeping into the strands, without having to BREAK them the way peroxcide and most other dyes do.
Henna is supposed to thicken hair strands (which makes sense, considering it's actually adding color molecules to your hair - WITHOUT destroying any of your own) which I would LOVE considering I have some of the thinnest, baby fine hair ever!

Henna is supposed to loosen curls (probably because of the above mentioned thickening of hair strands, thus making your hair heavier, thus increasing gravities pull on the curl, thus strecthing it out - oh yeah, I've thought about this) and - man. I figured out that my hair - stretched - is about 6-7 inches long. In it's natural, dry, curly state (like the srunched down fro that I usually wear)
it's barely an inch long. Oh yeah, I can live with some loosening of the curls.

Henna strengthens your hair (once again, the adding molecules without destroying others bit) which helps me retain length, so I can have long hair. I mean - 1.5 inches in 2.5 months... that's a little over half an inch a month. Let's say my hair grows half an inch in a month - in a year, IF I keep all my length, my hair would be touching my shoulders. Another year, and it'll be hitting my armpit. Another year, and it's at the middle of my back - and with one more year, it'll be about waist length. That's FOUR years. That's really not that long - esp to have HAIR that long. Hell, even five years ain't bad.

So - I'm reading ALL this good stuff about Henna, and I'm like - hey! Why the hell not! The worst that could happen is that my hair gets a dark, dark purlish red - and um.... that's not a bad thing in my mind, considering that my natural hair color is so dark.

Not only can I grow out my hair HEALTHIER and STRONGER - I can also go to the extremes of redness.

*happy happy dance*

So! From reading http://www.hennaforhair.com , I figured out that there are several mixes that I could use to get the color I wanted. So - I ordered 2 samples of henna, plus a sample of tumeric, plus a sample of cloves, plus a sample of pectin (because I figured that would make it more convienent to use, considering henna's reputation for dripniness. I ordered them from Mehendi.com on Thursday (I think it was) and got it on Monday.

I wanted to mix the henna with red wine (to make it redder) so my final recipe/plan was:

Liquid: 3 pts wine to one part water (I used Barefoot Shiraz)
Henna Mixes:
a) Henna only (2.5 pt)
b) Henna and Tumeric (2pt H, 1pt T) (because, as far as I understand, adding tumeric (either 1/3 or 1/2 the quantity of henna) brings a coppery golden glow out - which is something I LOVE about my current (orangey) hair color - the golden underglow - it really looks like metal sometimes).
c) Henna and Cloves (3pt H, 1 pt C) (because I didn't want to go TOOO brown, but I wanted to maybe tame the henna a bit down from orange into red)
d) Henna and Tumeric and Cloves (3pt H, 1/2 pt C, 1 pt T) (because I wanted the goldenness of the Tumeric, but I wanted to tone down the orangeness of the henna)

So - I prepared all of my mixtures (1 pt equaled out to 1/2 teaspoon) in little plastic cups (that I had left over from beading) and stirred and mixed the dry powder nicely. The first two mixtures took about a tablespoon of winewater, and the last two took about two tablespoons.

I stirred, and it turned into a nice, gloopy, sticky, almost mucusy greenish spinach smelling mess.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - the wonders of henna!!

I wrote the mixture initals on each one, and sat them in the windowsill (hot, unaircondioned, Western Tennessee windowsill) of our house around 6:15pm.

I tested to see if the dye release had occured by putting a dab of henna on the heel of my foot. I figured that was a 'safe' place to put it, one that I wouldn't get brushed off too easily, and one tht I could easily check.
By 7:00pm, the dab from the HTC combo had turned a spot on the back of my foot a deep, rich orange. Ooooh - I LOVE the color of henna.
I mixed in the hair - two 'hairballs' into each mixture - one hairball to come out at 10pm, the other hairball to come out the next morning - basically, a 3 hour steep, and a 12 hour steep.

At almsot exaclty 10pm, I took the first batch out - I couldn't really tell a difference in the color - until I compared it to the 'untouched' hairball I had left out. Lovely, rich colors - didn't seem as dark as it could be.


In non-henna news, I hopped in the shower around 11pm, slapped a shiteload of conditioner in my hair, put shower cap on, and went to bed. My classic 'Oops, I've waited too long to remoisturize/comb my hair, and now I must do some emergency wetmaking work' solution.


The next morning (this morning, actually), I rinsed off the rest of the henna off the samples, and tucked them in a safe place. I figured I would let them oxidize, THEN compare colors. All the same, I couldn't see that much difference between the 3hr and the 12 hr sample - I couldn't really see the additional darkness. I was especially glad that I had saved an undyed piece - that way I could tell the difference between the dyed bits and the undyed ones.

I LOVED the color. Loved it, loved it, loved IT. I couldn't really tell the difference between the color mixes, but dammit, they were ALL pretty.

So - as soon as I got to work, I promptly ordered 500 grams of henna from http://www.mehendi.com - I hoped that the earlier I ordered it, the more likely I would be to get it on Saturday - but I see my samples came from Ohio, so there really wasn't that big of a time difference.

So.

Now I wait. I RRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAALLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYY want to be able to dye my hair THIS weekend, but I'm preparing myself for not getting the henna until Monday, which means I wouldn't be able to dye my hair until NEXT weekend. Arrghh!! Arggghhh!! Doubledamn it all!!!

So - this is the start of my hennaheadedness. *twitchs* Now I must wait to get henna. But - a sammich is calling my name, so I will end this VERYYYY long entry.

Kiya's Kinks

Quick (well, not really) history of me & mah Hair.

When I was little, my hair was usually braided in two cornrows down the side of my head - I wore a headpiece most of the time, so it wasn't like I really NEEDED a style. And considering the fact that I HATED getting my hair done (combing through all my curly twisty goodness HURTED) - neither me nor my mother were really interested in experiementation.

I got my first relaxer over Christmas break of '95 (my freshman year of college - or freshwoman, as we called it at my allfemale, 99% black college), and my hair was below my shoulders - and I promptly chopped it all of to a pixie cut. I lived with the pixie cut for about 4 years - getting the occasional perm, but more often, getting my hair braided with artificial hair. I never really LIKED my permed hair - I have almost baby fine hair (and a arseload of it) and when I had a perm - I looked like a wet cat. I couldn't keep a curl because of how fine my hair was, and I quickly got sick of slapping lye on my head - and it was always the 'extra strong' stuff because of how nappy my hair is - despite the fact that it's fine as all get out.

I got my last perm in Feb of 99, and started keeping my hair braided almsot all the time. Sometimes, I could put them in double strand twists - but it was a PAIN. I would have to give up a day almost every weekend to undo, condition, grease, and redo my hair. I knew I wouldn't go back to the perm, and I knew that I was sick of spending 300.00 every two months to get my hair braided - and if I was going to keep it braided ANYWAY - why not just get locs?

So, November of 2001, I started locking my hair. I loved it - in the beginning. It was wild and wooly and EASY to manage and bouncy and - just - the bee's knees. But as they got older, and as I dyed it, and as my locs got weighed down with more shed hair - they got skinner and skinnier, and harder and harder - until there came a point when I realized that I didn't LIKE my hair much anymore. So, I started taking the locs out (cuz there was no way in hell I was going to cut all my hair off).

May 2006, I had loose hair for the first time in five years. It's - it's seriously amazing stuff. I'm in - awe, almost - of my hair. A lot of the awe is from ignorance (I've done more research on hair in the last month than I've done my entire life!) I realized that taking care of extra kinky, super fine hair is something - unique - really, and I have to learn what it - needs, what it likes, what helps it grow. My goal - eventually - is to have loose, natural hair that goes about to the middle of my back. Not loc'd, not permed - just - my hair, out and natural.

*sigh* My hair grows FAST too - in the 2 months since I've dyed it, it's grown at least an inch and a half - which is on the high end of the normal range - however, the challANGE! for me is learning how to take CARE of my hair, so that I keep all that length. One thing that I'm going to have to do is stop dying it - I KNOW that's causing my ends to dry out and break off and just generally do things that are not conducive to lots and lots of hair. However, I stubbornly refuse to live with fading red hair (ie, orange!) so - I'm going to start using henna (all natural, no funky metals) to dye my hair. I have a friend in Nashville who has some of the most GORGEOUS red hair - and she's been using Henna for years. Her hair also goes to the middle of her back - so it certainly doesn't IMPEDE growth.

So. That's my hair ramble. I've gone over bits and pieces of this - but I wanted to write it all down - so that 6 months from now, when I'm bitterly cursing all this damn hair, and want to chop it off, I can read this, and remember how - glorious - my real hair really is.

I'm so happy to have found the Long Hair community - funnily enough, I stumbled across it a LONG time ago - which got my started on oil cleansing for my face (which I SWEAR by). And I'm thrilled that I can make a journal here, because I DO need someplace to track all of my wonderful hair exploits and pictures.

Haiyrh

I'm going to ramble on about my hair for a little while here - you can move along, really, nothing to see here.

So. Hair. It's always an interesting topic for black women - what do do with it, how to take care of it, how to style it, how to get it to grow. Any conversation involving more than three black women for ANY period of time will eventually stumble across the subject of hair.

It's not just hair for most of us - it's a symbol - truly, in the black community, the concept of a crowning glory ain't just limited to those hats. An out and fluffy afro makes most people think of the 70's, and Black Panthers. A short permed style - also known as the Halle Berry - gives the impression of sophisticated elegance. Locs - earthy/Return to Africa vibe.
And I'm not even going to get INTO the good hair/bad hair issues we have, remmants of slavery, rather akin to our just as sad skin color issues. So - hair - for most black people - is WAAAYYY more than the stuff that's on your head. It has - meaning.

Most black women though,  they relax (also called a perm - but it's to make hair straight, not curly) their hair - to make it straight, and shiny, and easily managable. Or, they get weaves (to do the same). Or they get the Jherri Curl (which seems to be much more popular in the South). Or - if they decide not to straighten their hair, they chop it all off and rock an itty bitty afro, or they loc it up - or they keep it braided.

All of which, are really valid - and usually gorgeous - ways to wear your hair. I was one of the loc'd up crowd, until I got sick of how - dead and dry and limp and STRAIGHT my hair was.  My natural hair is, in no way, shape, or form, straight. In fact, it's some of the kinkiest, curliest, nappiest, hair I've ever seen - and I LOVE it. But - I have no CLUE of how to take care of it.

When I was little, my hair was usually braided in two cornrows down the side of my head - I wore a headpiece most of the time, so it wasn't like I really NEEDED a style. And considering the fact that I HATED getting my hair done (combing through all that curly twisty goodness HURTED) - neither me nor my mother were really interested in experiementation.

I got my first relaxer over Christmas break of '95, and my hair was below my shoulders - and I promptly chopped it all of to a pixie cut.  I lived with the pixie cut for about 4 years - getting the occasional perm, but more often, getting my hair braided with artificial hair. I never really LIKED my permed hair - I have almost baby fine hair (and a shitload of it) and when I had a perm - I looked like a wet cat. I couldn't keep a curl because of how fine my hair was, and I quickly got sick of slapping lye on my head - and it was always the 'extra strong' stuff because of how nappy my hair is - despite the fact that it's fine as all get out.

I got my last perm in Feb of 99, and started keeping my hair braided almsot all the time. Sometimes, I could put them in double strand twists - but it was a PAIN. I would have to give up a day almost every weekend to undo, condition, grease, and redo my hair. I knew I wouldn't go back to the perm, and I knew that I was sick of spending 300.00 every two months to get my hair braided - and if I was going to keep it braided ANYWAY - why not just get locs?

So, November of 2001, I started locking my hair. I loved it - in the beginning. It was wild and wooly and EASY to manage and bouncy and - just - the bee's knees. But as they got older, and as I dyed it, and as my locs got weighed down with more shed hair - they got skinner and skinnier, and harder and harder - until there came a point when I realized that I didn't LIKE my hair much anymore. So, I started taking the locs out (cuz there was no way in hell I was going to cut all my hair off).

May 2006, I had loose hair for the first time in five years. It's - it's seriously amazing stuff. I'm in - awe, almost - of my hair. A lot of the awe is from ignorance (I've done more research on hair in the last month than I've done my entire life!) I realized that taking care of extra kinky, super fine hair is something - unique - really, and I have to learn what it - needs, what it likes, what helps it grow.  My goal - eventually - is to have loose, natural hair that goes about to the middle of my back. Not loc'd, not permed - just - my hair, out and natural.

*sigh* My hair grows FAST too - in the 2 months since I've dyed it, it's grown at least an inch and a half - which is on the high end of the normal range - however, the challANGE! for me is learning how to take CARE of my hair, so that I keep all that length. One thing that I'm going to have to do is stop dying it - I KNOW that's causing my ends to dry out and break off and just generally do things that are not conducive to lots and lots of hair. However, I stubbornly refuse to live with fading red hair (ie, orange!) so - I'm going to start using henna (all natural, no funky metals) to dye my hair. I have a friend in Nashville who has some of the most GORGEOUS red hair - and she's been using Henna for years. Her hair also goes to the middle of her back - so it certainly doesn't IMPEDE growth.

So yes, I've found a new obsession. It's odd how the things that I'm getting into all link together. I'm eating better, so I can lose weight (10 pounds lost so far!), and that helps my hair grow!! Along with all the water. It's - funny, really - how much jsut being healthy supports - everything!

So. That's my hair ramble. I've gone over bits and pieces of this - but I wanted to write it all down - so that 6 months from now, when I'm bitterly cursing all this damn hair, and want to chop it off, I can read this, and remember how - glorious - my real hair really is.

So, ten pound loss!! Whooohoooo! And all that.

*sigh* So why don't I feel like I've actually acheived something? I've lost 4% of my body weight - which ain't half bad - and it's just - meh. 

Thinking back, I think this is a large part of the reason why I backslid so severely last time I lost weight - I was seeing the numbers change  - but I wasn't really impressed with the results. And then, when I hit the period where the numbers just WOULDN'T change - and I thought that 'shocking' my body by increasing carbs and calories might work - and well, I shocked 60 pounds right back on. 

Once again, this solidifies the need for PICTURES.  Dated, pictures - because I'm sure that if I looked at a picture from last month, and a picture from today - I know that I WOULD see a difference. The camera doesn't lie.  

*thinks* Let's see - I've lost the tiny bit of a double chin I was forming (I realized that when I was looking down, I could feel this little lump of fat - that scared me! I've never had a double chin!), and my wedding rings are fitting better. *thinks*  I've only got another 16 pounds to lose to fit my short term goal - and I've got two months to lose it in! 

Blah!! It's jsut that - I want - so badly - to have the hot body. And I'm only 10% of the way there - of course, that's a hell of a lot better than being only 1% there - or 0% there! It is! it's just - soooooo slow. That's what it is - slow, slow, slow. I want this to happen in a blur - and I know that looking BACK at it - it will happen in a blur. Hell - those first ten pounds vanished while I was gardening, camping, reading, drinking, laughing, loving, praying for the lottery, and just generally - LIVING life.  And I can keep living life, and stay fat - or I can live life, and lose weight at the same time! Wow! What a notion!  

Yes, I'm being snarkily sarcastic - it's just. Bleh. I don't know.  I'm certianly not DOWNPLAYING my loss, it's just - *sigh* it's just that I so wish it was so much more. And I know that I will have to keep 'ramping up' my - challeneges to myself, I guess - in order to keep this sort of progress going. I still haven't gotten the key to the Fitness Center *ggrrrrr!!!* so I'm not able to workout yet. *sigh*  I have been eating right, drinking lots of water, and taking my vitamins though - the vitamins alone are damn near a miracle, as I hate swallowing pills, but managed to find some Centrum Chewables, so I'm happy. 

*sigh* I really should have taken pictures yesterday - I refuse to document this journey in front of my hubby - he loves me JSUT as I am, and I don't want him getting any ideas.  

How scary is that?? I've just realized - just like the mirror lies to me, I honestly do believe that his eyes lie to him - and I don't want him to see me without a filter....because then I'm afraid he wouldn't be nearly as attracted to me as he is now - and man, that would break my heart. So he's  not allowed to help in any way shape or form, except for gently supporting my food choices. 

I can tell that my metabolism is ramping up though - I'm actually MORE hungry than usual. *sigh* I realize, that's one distinct downfall to have a working metabolism - it's such a HASSLE eating so much of the times. Especially eating aware! Before, I could go - hours at a time (12-14) without eating, and I MIGHT get hungry - once - and then I'd drink a lil water or something, and I'd be fine. NOW? Phsshh! I'm actually HUNGRY enough to eat breakfast (and that's BEFORE I start working out), and lunch time, as well as snack times, make themselves QUITE well known to me. I have to look at it as a good thing, not as my body trying to distract me from whatever I'm actually focused on just so that it can get fed. Humph, demanding creatures, bodies are, ain't they? 

It's definitely an encouragment to ensure that I have plenty of pre-prepped stuff ready for me to eat - esp. at work! We have a full sized fridge here, and I bring about a week/week&a half's worth of food, and just leave it here - that way, if I decide I want yogurt for breakfast, and for a snack, I've got enough here - and there's less chance of me 'forgetting' to bring my lunch to work - it's already here! 

Okay, I think I'm done whining now.

Weigh-In Mondays....

Starting weight: 246
Last week's weight: 238.5
Current weight:  236.0
This week's loss: 2.5
Total loss: 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STG: 220
LTG: 140

*does a happy dance* 

I've hit my first short term goal - TEN pounds!!  I'm so stoked.

Okay - I usually sneak on the scale at some point in the middle of the day Sunday, just to try and give myself a 'preview' of what the 'official' weigh-in is going to be - and I'm starting to think it's worthless, as Sunday's weight and Monday morning's weight NEVER match up. :) but I'm usually plesantly suprised, so! 

Whoohoo! Onto the next ten!

Godly Thoughts

It's interesting - I've been thinking about how to explain - faith and God and religion - to future kidlings - and realized that - I don't believe in the 'classic' concept of God.  But then, for some reason, the thought 'God helps those who help themselves' drifted into my mind today. Along with - Thou art God - which I always vibed with, but never fully grokked. *smiles* But - analyzing those two things  - led me to -  in order to get anything done - you have to help yourself. 

Am I God? No - but - I reflect my God - my - vision of God.  

If I believe that I have a just, fair, loving God - then my every act should be just, fair and loving.  I AM God in that I represent God in the only way that humans can really connect to God - in their minds & spirits.  I am not God in the form that I have powers to control all - but then, I don't really believe that my God(s) control all.  I believe that - they are (usually) a shining example of how to be the best human possible - and in that way - I can become godlike. 

More mulling over this is required..... I'm just randomly gushing things onto the page.

The Mirror Lies

It's really been a struggle for me - acknowledging how large I am. 

I'm doing some new 'stuff' with my hair, and I decided to take a few side/profile shots of myself - and my god! I recognized my ears, and my hair - but whose puffy, flabby face is that? And why is it so BIG? 

My husband and I recently brought a house, and our real estate agent always takes pictures of her customers at closing to use in testimonials - and she included a copy of the picture - and - who IS that? The huge face with the deep creases around the nose and mouth when I smile (all fat). The outfit that I THOUGHT looked so cute looking like - who did what, and WHY, dear god, WHY? 

I try to sit outside for a few minutes every afternoon - just to soak up some sun and warm up. The bench that I sit on is right in front of a plateglass windows, which insure a good reflection. Somedays, I just look at myself - seeing the rolls on the back, and the width of my upper arm (it's as wide as my hand!) and the generally blobby apperance - and I'm honestly shocked. Who IS that woman? Where did she come from? How long have I not noticed that she's been here? 

 

The mirror lies. I'm not sure if it's the delicate forgiveness my eyes give the image transmitted back from the glass, or if it's a illusion built of movement and personality - but, the mirror LIES.  

I've trusted the mirror for years - I'm not a vain woman, by any stretch of the imagination, but I do try to look - neat, clean and nice. Professional, even, and generally cute & attractive.  The mirror has supported me all these years, soothed me when the scale creeped, reassured me when comparing myself to others - but it lied to me.  

Pictures, on the other hand - tell the truth. My god - it just hit me that I'm BACK at the weight where I was last time I took 'progress' pictures. I can't find the skimpily dressed ones, but here is how far I came, went, and retreated. 

I don't think I'm QUITE as big as I was in the first picture - but I could be wrong.  I've thrown (or given) away all of those clothes - well, not - actually I haven't. I have one dress left from then - it was a long linen dress, and I refused to get rid of it (I was plotting on making a skirt from it) and that dress is a bit tighter than I would like it to be.  I think it's a size 22.  

*sighs* That girl in the second picture - that WOMAN in the second picture - that's my vision of me - of what I look like - no matter HOW much I weigh.  And the mirror concurs.  

I've decided that I'm going to HAVE to take pictures to see the truth.  I'm not going to try to take them every week - I think I'll take a picture every month.  And I want it to be a nice picture - a picture that I can bring to work with me, so that I can post it in my cubicle for inspiration.  I'm going to post one on the wall next to my alarm clock so that I can see it when I wake up, and it will encourage me to get out of bed and workout in the morning.  

*sighs* I feel oddly tired. *sighs* Maybe tired isn't the right word - I feel - deflated. Not - worthless, not - despondent, but deflated. Frustrated?  Maybe, maybe not. It's - it's - I'm disappointed in myself.  I'm disappointed that I was doing SO well, and then just - backslid. Was it the stalling weightloss? Was it the frustration with the limited food selections on Atkins? Was it just - oversecurity because the mirror lies, and I tend to avoid pictures like the plague (Hmmm, I wonder why THAT is??)??? I don't know - but I'm NOT going to let it happen again.  

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.  I made a bad choice (to stop eating healthy, to stop working out, to stop treating myself the way I deserve to be treated) and I've learned - ouch, have I learned. 

The mirror lies.

Interessstiinnnnggg..............

So - this is going to be harder than I expected. I suspect that I will have to cut down on my protien - or break down and start eating the processed versions. 
See - a large part of me changing my eating habits/patterns is because I am on a path of becoming more natural. I'm working with my natural hair, I'm going organic in the garden, I'm trying to use as few chemicals in the house as possible - just in general - I'm trying to green my life. And eating stuff that I can grow/breed - is a LARGE part of that. So, I'm rather - reluctant to break down and get the ultra-processed protien in order to hit my numbers. Blech. 

Anyhow! Didn't eat nearly to plan today. Well, that's not true - everything I ate WAS on plan - I just didn't eat nearly enough. 

I woke up around 7:30, got to work around 8:15, had a cup of coffee (with a teaspoon of dried milk - nonfat - in it - I figured anyway I can sneak even a tiny bit of protien in, the better). Didn't eat breakfast - told myself it was because I didn't exercise this morning. Ummhmm. 
Around noon, had lunch - one serving of the Chicken Dijon Potato Salad. It was actually pretty good - sitting overnight CERTAINLY helped it. I would use less mustard next time though. 

Around 3, the thought started nudging me that I needed to eat - but I got 'involved' in something, and was convienently busy. My plan was to have an apple, and some peanut butter, and maybe a bit of cheese then. 

Got home, dicked about in the garden for a while, then came in and made myself this HUGE salad, with 8oz of pork on it (ugh!) and two slices of toast with some fat-free cream cheese. Only finished half the salad, and about 3'4 of the meat - I gave the rest of the salad to hubby. 

Have had two 32 oz of water.....and a lite beer, and a glass of wine. Ahhhh.... 

Overall scoring? 

Pro:143g
Car: 65g
Fat:  63g

Not too bad!! I plan on having a couple of the Eggies for dessert  (2g Pro/11 calories) and I don't know....maybe some tea!! I've got wiggle room for almost any high protien/mid fat/mid carby item.....but, I really don't think I can eat another SOLID bite. (One benefit of the Eggies - they are light and soft). 

This is really going to require a SERIOUS reworking of how I think about food - what I palce values on. After the years of lowcarbing, and the deeply ingrained resistance to fat  - it's - interesting - actually eating - right. Yummy, too.

---

So - one other thing that I have picked up on pretty quickly to judge a food/meat.  Anything I get - fat grams need to be half of either carb grams or protien grams. So - for instance, when I was grocery shopping yesterday - it was EASY to figure out what kind of sausage I needed to get - the one with 12 g of P and 6g of F!  The same goes for almost everything - it should either be carb heavy, or protien heavy, and light on the fats. In addition, that insures that my ratios are always good - if I reduce the serving size, I reduce the ratio at the same time. 

Umm - what else have I learned on this first day of eating healthy and consiously. The food tastes pretty damn good - though the salads will be better when it's home grown veggies in them. I don't have to deny myself (of much - chips, I've totally sworn off of, as well as fast food - but dammit, that's just eating HEALTHY).  I think my hair is going to grow faster - between the vitamins and the protien! Oh! The vitamins - I totally scored at the grocery store and found two bottles of CHEWABLE Centrum! How cool is that? So - I've been taking one of those right before I brush my teeth. 

Hmm - what else? My horoscope today seemed to have good words for me: 

Dear Kiya,
Here is your horoscope
for Wednesday, July 5:

Once you firmly commit yourself to change, you'll take off in your new direction as if you had rockets strapped to your feet. So what are you waiting for? Get to that launch pad and start the countdown, already.

 

*grins* I'm jsut waiting for my keycard! Okay - honestly, even if I get it tomorrow, I not going to GO til Monday - but I WILL work out on Sat and Sun on the Gazelle while hubby is at work. Or - maybe I'll walk up to the community center, and see what sort of stuff they have going on up there.

Lovely, that was....

There really should be more four day weekends - they are lovely - just long enough to TRULY enjoy the weekend, but not quite long enough that I am dreading (anymore than usual) coming to work. So....

Didn't do NEARLY as much as I planned, but did do the important stuff.  The bathroom is spotless! The kitchen - mostly spotless. It was spotless before I leapt upon it and wrecked it with a 4 hour cooking marathon. Living Room - as spotless as it can be two days after making it spotless. The accursed wallpaper, I'm starting to consider just painting over it and calling it 'texture', but I know that would drive me bonkers in a few months, so slowly but surely I'm still chipping it off. See - the problem with the wallpaper is the fact that well - it's paper. I mean - PAPER. Like a extra thin brown paper bag, firmly glued to the wall. And, the second it gets wet, the edges come up - but that's about it. I've tried scoring the paper - that just makes the edges come up it neat little squares before it rips halfway through because it's sooooo delicate. Dammit.

I wonder if you can rent indoor sandblasters? We could do the walls and strip the floor all at once!

My hair was loved and moisturized and nutured on all weekend - as a reward, it's haloing my head in a very pretty display of curly cottony goodness.

Hubby had to work Monday and Tuesday - but both days he went in at noon, and was home before 3 - so it w as ALMOST like he had the days off. Man, I love it when he's salaried.

And - to top things off - I only have to be at work for three days!! Heh. Life IS wonderful.

Pre-cooking

Quite proud of myself..... I did a bit of cooking for the rest of week (eating 5 meals at home is going to be a struggle!)

I made -
Chicken Salad (chicken, potatoes, cauliflower, green beans...)
Pollack (baked & flaked to go with lettuce and some spicy dressing)
Baked Barley and Mushrooms (yummy side to go with whatever meat)
A chicken breast (to go to work with me & some Barley for lunch)
Bacon for breakfast
One serving of Eggs for breakfast (need to find more containers)
Meringues (for a sweet protien rich snack)

I need to pick up some pita, and tomorrow, I need to make up the rest of the eggs for the week, as well as some yogurt dip and some cucumber salad for the weekend. I most likely need to fix more chicken too, though we still have a good bit of that, and a LOT of pork, leftover from grilling this weekend.

I've packed a paper bag to take with me with utensils, apples, peanut butter, dry milk, and all the other non-refrigerated items - I'll dump the cold stuff in tomorrow morning.

Bugger!! I just realized that I STILL don't have the key to the fitness center - hopefully I will get it tomorrow - well, that gives me another day before I will need to start laying out my clothes - and hey! That also means I can sleep late tomorrow! Excellent!

Monday Weigh-In

Starting weight: 246
Last week's weight: 243
Current weight: 238.5
This week's loss: -4.5
Total loss: 7.5
STG: 220
LTG: 140

Amazing!!! Wow! Ummm - I'm just so happy about the loss! Let's see - I'll be working (hard) around the house today, and going grocery shopping to be sure that I have everything I need to eat clean - period!

Looking forward to the rest of the week!!

Utter, and complete, Insanity....

See, I KNEW I was crazy!! That whole long, angsty diatribe about my husband yesterday? We were at home, talking about something (I think it was the lack of eggs in the house) and jsut naturally it started flowing - I explained that I wanted to start eating healthier and exercising, and I had been talking to a few friends of mine who gave me pointers, and that I wanted to be sure that our grocery list relfected that.

Sooooo bloody easy. He was down with us eating healthier, but so totally not interested in the P/C/F breakdowns that I have to do. As I explained to him - you, really only have 20 (he negotiated me up to 25) pounds to lose - and considering how EASILY you lose weight - you don't have to be NEARLY as strict as I do! so!! That was soooo simple!

Anyhow. I think that (as usual) I'm taking things in too big of chunks! I need to remember that this is just the start, and I don't have to be PERFECT from the beginning - I just need to make my best effort. And as long as I'm making my BEST effort, I'm going to get better, and better, and better - and soon, I'mma be the poo, and others will just have to take a big whiff.

So - now here comes the fun! Figuring out the food - as well as a way to figure out foods WITHOUT driving myself utterly bonkers. I think I have some recipe calculating software tucked at home somewhere - and I'll definitely be using this : Google Spreadsheets so that I can keep track of stuff both at work and at home without having to use my iPod as a portable drive. 
I've been looking at body builder websites (because they have diets that are closest to mine) but - those men (mostly) are INSANE!! Chicken breasts and canned tuna seems to be about all they eat - almost no fats! I'm SUPPOSED to get 100g of fats, and I plan on enjoying each and every gram!! Also - they tend to stick to very American recipes - I LOVE eating from all different cultures (and plan on having MUCH sashimi - I mean, it's PURE low fat protien, but dished out in an amazingly yummylicious way) and I KNOW that other cultures will ahve high protien/low fat/med carbs foods that I will enjoy and appreciate. I'm already plotting on how to make my own pita bread for lunchtime sandwichs - in my mind, loaf bread REQUIRES a spread to make a good sammich - but pita bread doesn't.
This whole diet - and my recipes - are going to be about making food that is quick, healthy, yummy, and helps me lose weight. Really, except for the losing weight part, isn't that what MOST of us want in our daily diets? And I honestly don't think it's difficult - it's just not been properly RESEARCHED. *wide grin*  
For example - I've already come up with breakfast - I'm going to cook  3 egg whites, and 1 egg - well salted & seasoned - into 4 little rounds about the size of a McMuffin. 1/2 oz of cheese sliced into two pieces (or even less) and two sausages, or ham, or chicken, or bacon - or whatever kind of meat, and a smear (I'm think 1/2 tbls) of jam. Yummy, filling, doesn't feel the LEAST bit depriving, and has: 364 cals, 43g P, 17g F, and 5g C. Most of the carbs come from the jam, and most of the fat comes from the sausage - oohh!! I wonder what the playout would be if I replaced the sausage with a breakfast patty, MorningStar style?? Hmmm... it drops the protien by 4g, drops the fat by 3g, and UPS the carbs by 7g! I think I'll stick with the real stuff - esp considering I'm SUPPOSED to be getting 20g of fat a meal - that's actually a little low - but that means that I could cook the eggs in butter!
But - that's going to be brekkie most days - I can switch out bacon, or just some cheese - or whatever I want in the middle. It's something that can be made ahead of time, will freeze well, pops in the microwave easily, AND is easier to consume (at least for me).
I need to work on similiar ideas to that for ALL of my meals - I want to do this for the next week during the week, so Friday I can go and get anything fresh that I need for meals for the next week, and then Sunday I can cook.  As time goes on, I'll develop recipes I love, stuff I hate, and I'll figure out how to mix and match things well. I'm NOT going to learn how to do this without actually DOING it. And since I'll be doing it, I'l be able to spread it over a longer period of time, and it WON'T be quite so overwhelming. 

I am crazy sometimes - way tooooooo inside my head, and stubborn. Here's to change!