7:54

CD11, and I've just offically scared myself.

I was reading the TTC'ing #1 in your 30's thread, and Kemi was writing fer going off post, and asking for a new host for June, since Kharen got her BFP. And - the first thought that drifted through my head was - ooh, what stage of my cycle would I be in?

And that scares me - that I'm already basing choices that I'm making on whether I'll potentially be pregant - all, unconsiously. I don't WANT to be one of those crazy, trying to concieve, doesn't do anything but dream of her baby to be.

Dear Goddess, I want this to be easy. I want it to be like the first time, one night of passion and a teary episode on the side of the tub a few weeks later.
Oh, but how different of a set of tears would it be, this time?

Do I feel guilt - no....not guilt. As I just gently ranted elesewhere, guilt is regret, and you don't regret a choice you are happy about. I feel - fear. I don't even believe in a retributive god - but I believe in karma. And karmically - yeah, I'm willing to take a hit for the abortion. That's not regret - that's just a fact. And, karmically (and just genereally easily fuckingly ironically) if would be realllly fucking appropiate for my retribution to comei n the form of long trials and suffering to bear another child of my body. And - I couldn't even rail against it, as deep in my heart, I would think that it was FAIR. So I would jsut suffer and climb on through - beliveing - even more - that I could, in my life, bear at least one child from under my heart.

So.

That's the quiet terror that creeps with me as just ONE missed cycle (something missed something, somehow) has gone by - and I'm entering OPK Series 2 pictures.

Just one month.

I'm afraid. More than guedra, more than marriage, this - scares me. Primary Infertility would knock  - rock - shock - the root of me - of who I see myself - my more myself self, that is - as. I realized - oh! I realized what the feeling of my heart trying to break through my ribs symbolized, but I don't remember what it was........... maybe a seed, sprouting? Bah. But - this - this mothering energy in me is - powerful. I HAVE to release it, somehow. And becoming a mother would be the easy way.

I'm hoping that writing this out will let me release it - will free me from that fear - will give me a center of restfulness to take things as they come - take me to a place that allows me to fight when needed and surrender when needed. Balance.

That's what I need.

8:08

Hair, then Holes.

Urmmm. Let's see - last weekend was SUPPOSED to be clarifying (it's henna time again, ALREADY??), but as I was out in the woods, dancing with the pagans, it was more of a sun-in time, and lots-of-water-time. I took it out on Saturday, as the fuzz was starting to eat my head, and I gently untangled it, got it good and wet, rubbed some HH into it, and rolled on. Since then, I've HH'd it twice, Elasta'd it once, and misted it twice daily. So, yeah. It's still out - I'm wearing a loose wild choppy fro - the one thing that DOES suprise me is the number of wavy hairs I have coated the top of my fro - there are a bunch of little flyaways.
And - I have some hair - the stuff right behind my ears - that isn't my hair. I don't know whose hair is growing out of my scalp - but um - it ain't mine. It's 3a - MAYBE - back there - possibly 2b. Which - um - huh? :lol: Soooo.... I plan on wearing it out all week, detangling, henna'ing, and - oh, going back into my usual style, I suppose. I've been thinking about maybe doing some two strand twists, but dammit, what I REALLY want are the yarnbraids.

Other good news - my breakage is still close to nil - even with me playing in my hair - I get the occasional 'clumps' of broken hair and I've got a couple of tangles that I know have broken hairs in the middle, but gentle contact/fingercombing is giving me NOTHING but shed hairs - so I'm VERY pleased with that. Tiny knots are really still my worst problem - though, my hair is getting long enough that I can SEE the knots on the ends, now. I notice that most of them are very red, still - and that I get more knots where the dyed hair is still hanging out - figures. But! Henna is starting to work - I can see a distinct reddish/orange overtone to my hair! :hollie:

Henna this weekend is going to be standard - I'm going to finally mix up a big bunch of it to freeze - thick henna + water paste. I'm going to leave a good bit still powdered, so that I can mix it with coconut milk & lime as needed (my next one should be - the June Henna, I think). Hrmmmmm. Yes, that sounds about right.

I think that my nape/hairline hairs have slowed down, and the hair in the center of my head is catching up - I don't see any changes in the overall length - but little things (like being able to see my ends) are telling me that my hair is growing. OooHH!!! It's been a year! Holy Cow! I've decided that the bleached blond hair picture is my offical starting picture - it's my version of bald. :lol: *whips out a ruler* roughly four inches in 12 months - that's what? 1/3 an inch, a month? Not too bad, not too bad at all. Slower than I hoped, but I'm cool with that - now, I can start thinking about topical potions. *wiggles eyebrows* I do still have sulfur AND MTG in my cabinent.

Okay - onto holes.

1st hole went to 12g on Friday - butter. 2nd hole went to 14g on Friday - butter as well. Monday night, because I'm insane, and because I was sick of having the bigger ones back there, 2nd hole went to 10g - I've left the 12's in the 1st hole, because I like them better. :)
I think that I'll stop at 6g - I've been eyeing the pretties, and it seems like that's the smallest size that some of the bigger ones come in - and it seems to be a good size that makes a nice statement, without being crazy big.
I've had NO problems doing this - some mild stinging/heat when I first put them in, and within 15-30 minutes - nothing. No crusties, no itchies, jsut nothing. :) It's wunderbar!
I'm considering buying some more....already! *hangshead* so expensive this will be - at least I'm sticking to eBay to start with!

Stuff & Nonsense

*brushes off dust forlornly*

Urm. Lately, I've been starting all my entries about how I have nothing to write, but I think the scarcity of my entries has been testament enough to that.

*shrugs*

There ain't much new going on. We are still working on the house  - C mowed the grass for the first time yesterday, and it looks FABULOUS - he did a really good job. Our new countertops are coming in on TUESDAY *happy dance*, and once they are in, the kitchen will be DONE - hopefully we will finish the painting around the same time.

My garden is doing WONDERFULLY - It's so cool seeing the little green things come popping out of the ground - and the strawberries are coming back! I saw my first flower when I got home Sunday.

I had fun over the weekend - out in the woods, playing with the pagan women - such wonderous fun! Two of the main women I wanted to see couldn't come (boohoo) and I need to stop being a crappy friend and pick up the phone and call them. I made a confession, over the weekend, to the local women who I don't get in/stay in touch with - it's not that I don't WANT to spend time - I jsut feel - intrusive - like I'm stepping into their life and taking up time that they might wish to use to do something else, but politeness bars them from that. Yes, I'm mildly terrified of 'proper' social interactions, because when it comes to that sort of thing - I'm - I'm vaguely uncertain of how to act. My friends are usually like family - and there are certain 'rules' with family - more comfort, more of a leeway - but with newish friends, who aren't quite family, but who you want to be more than mere accquaintences? I don't know how to purposely bridge that gap - and balance my natural intoversion/shyness. But - at least I put that admission out there, so that - it's - clearer. Hopefully.

Another very sweet thing from the weekend - I finally busted out my sewing machine, and sewed a robe (that I wore all of once, but it tis okay). I REALLY want an accessory kit - I need the other presserfoots, etc, etc. Hrm. I think a trip to eBay is in order.

Speaking of eBay - I'm doing new decorative things to myself! *laugh* I picked this up from one of the hair forums, but I'm going to stretch my ears. So far, I've gone from pierced to 12g in the first hole, and pierced to 14g in the second hole. I'm pretty sure I want to go to 6g in the front - because the jewelry you can get - oh me god! It's not CHEAP like the stuff I've been buying, but it's gorgeous and handmade and UNIQUE and it's not something you see much of round these here parts.....so I've been having eBay type fun getting cheap earring to get me to the right size, and then I'll be able to get pretty/expensive ones that I'll be keeping.

I played hooky from work yesterday - I 'worked from home' and it rocked! We really need to get me knocked up so I can have a firm deadline of getting the brightsunshinyhell out of this place.

And dammit, now I must go work, so any further trains of thought will be late getting to the station.

Vaccine Info

This is a very involved topic and can seem overwhelming...

Here is what I always suggest:

1. Find out what the next set of vaccines is that your child will be getting.
a. Research the diseases that those are for
1. What are the symptoms?
2. What is the treatment
3. What is the complication rate?
4. Chances of contracting the disease in the first place
5. How is the disease contracted and how at ridsk is your child
6. What is the death rate of the disease?
2. Decide if you are still worried about the disease
a. If not - Skip the vaccine
b. If you are - Research the vaccine
1. What are the ingredients and what do the do?
2. VAERS reports - What are the reactions
3. What is sthe reaction rate
4. Is the reaction treatable?
5. What is the death rate from the vaccine
3. Weigh the disease against the vaccine and decide which you are more comfortable with.
4. Move on to the next set of vaccines.


Here is the recommended Schedule:
Birth Hep B
2 months: DTaP, IPOL, HIB, HEP B, Prevnar, RotaTeq
4 months: DTaP, IPOL, HIB, Prevnar, RotaTeq
6 months: DTaP, IPOL, HIB, HEP B, Prevnar, RotaTeq
12 months: MMR, Varivax, Prevnar, HEP A
15 months: DTaP, HIB
18 months: HEP A
2 years: HEP A
4 years: DTaP, IPOL, MMR, Varivax
11 years: TdaP, Menactra, Gardisil 3 doses in 6 months
16 years: TdaP, Menactra

If you are looking into the CDC's information, I highly suggest moving past the info for parents page and go stright for the CDC Pink BooK...yu can google it. It does not contain the same parents page propaganda. It has the real information.

This method breaks it down into bite sized pieces for you.

Hope this helps."

Also I tihnk its important to do a deep down search to FIND OUT how truly effective each vaccine is!!! You can find some of that info on VARES. You would be surprised to find out how many peoplecan still get a certain diseases even though they were vaxed for it. "VACCINATION DOESNT EQUAL IMMUNIZATION"

11:22

ARgh.

This is going to be a rager of a period, I can tell that now - it's ramping up FAST - from a small hint of what might be blood this morning, to full out blood and tiny cramps this afternoon - I suspect I'll need to dig my cup out and put it in as SOON as I get to DotM.

*sigh*

Oddly enough, I'm OKAY. Disappointed, but I think I know WHY we didn't catch this go around - my body wasn't ready to nest an egg - I bled for 26 days, spotted for 3, then ovulated 5 days later - and we all KNOW how slow my body moves - there most likely wasn't a scrap of lining in there that was viable enough for an egg to implant into. So. This cycle, down the drain *glugluglug*

I'm going to start taking my EPO again (need to grab the bottle out of my desk and take it with me), and I'm going to keep using the OPK's, and I'm going to keep temping, and - it's on to the next cycle!

So far, it looks like I O around CD28ish - so I'll start everyotherdaying the OPK's at CD20. Urm. I think that's about it. Whoo, this is going to be an INTENSE period, here. I need to swing by Family Dollar too - I'm going to grab an container for my blood - no WAY I'm throwing this away!

11:28

10:30

First, there was the VERY negative HPT on 13DPO. Then, there were the stabbing pains in my breast, and a fellow little pimple joined the ring of pimples on my nipple. Then, I wake up, and my temp has dropped down, down, down, down to my coverline.

It's a feeling of a popped bubble. And I was so CERTAIN I was pregnant - it jsut FELT like I should be - I could be - I was. How graceful it would have been - how perfectly it would have worked out. I could have worked until Christmas holidays, gone home, had my baby jsut in time to claim her on the 2007 taxes, taken my lovely 12 weeks of maternity leave, and then quit. It would have worked SO wonderfully. *sigh* It just fit - like a puzzle piece. Each thing I thought of worked - the timing was magical.

I'm quiet, withdrawn, debating with myself whether I could maybe jsut process everything slowly, and that it's a very late implantation dip (and the stabbing feeling in my breast was mimicking the burrowing in my uterus - who knows?) and that I've still got a chance to be pregnant. Is it wrong that I'm holding this so close - that I'm not talking to C? I don't know. It's such a - womanly - thing. It's odd, for me.

Theres only one temping day left before I go camping - and if it goes up - I'll celebrate, and if it stays down, I'll get throughly fucked up over the weekend. It's really a win-win situation, either way it goes.

I'm still sad.

10:47

10:21

Two tests - one on 9DPO, one on 11DPO, bith lovely, amazingly white BFN's. It's impressive just how WHITE those suckers get. My temps are still trending high though, so I don't know.

I don't know, man. I've still got the nipples. And I still feel vaugely - sick to my stomach. And my nips ARE still pretty darn sensitive. The bloatings gone down/away, but I am still hoovering in food. The tiredness/brain fog has faded too.....

And now, I'm sitting here, and my lowerback is cramping. At first, it was just the lower front - right over the pubic bone - but now my back is getting sore too.

I swear, if I'm NOT pregnant - I hope AF shows up soon, just so that I can stop obsessing over what my body is & is not doing.

*sigh*

I'm getting to the sad part of the 2WW - oooh! 1WW now! I need to change my blinkies.

Urmph. I'm trying to make myself not care.

10:30

3:28

For a second there, I was angry. I don't know why - dear god, this is my first cycle! The thought just hit me - the 2WW really pissed me off.

Maybe it was from one of the ladies on FF mentioning that maybe I O'd on CD31 (which would DEFINITELY mean I wasn't pregnant, as that would put me at 13DPO). Maybe it was from me staring at my chart, and wondering if I O'd at ALL - OPK's jsut mean that your body is getting ready to O - the temp shift is required to prove that you O'd - but we saw what happened LAST go around - I was HOW many days DPO, and FF took my coverlines?

I don't know - maybe I'm upset because I'm not as calm as I think I should be? *sigh*

Okay - another odd thing - my skin has been crawling for like - it seems like forever. I was thinking it might have just been me being oversensitive cuz of the ticks (ugh!!!), but I don't know - it's rather irritating.

Maybe that's what it is - it sucks to feel crazy. It sucks to judge every.single.thing you do to see if it's a 'sign' or not. Dammit, I'd rather go the easy way - just get knocked up without even trying - be suprised!

Murph.

3:33 (lucky?)

So - this journal has suddenly (thanks Goddess Afficianados!!! ) turned into Kiya's Hair & Holes journey.

I got SPARKLIES!!!!

Okay, Okay - we'll talk about hair first.

Mwuauahaha.

So - this weekend was protien. I considered not doing it, since I did henna AND coconut milk - but I said no, I need to stick to my schedule, so I did the protien.
Looking back, urmh. I could have gone either way. I could imeadiately tell that my fine, fine, hair had too much protien in it, so I only left the protien in for about 2 hours, and then, put in doube moisturizing - the last of the Silk Elements (I'll never buy it again - I HATE the little grainy poppyseed sized things in it - ew!) and my love, my moisture, ElastaQP. That restored the balance nicely (thankfully). I then stretched it in the usual 2-strands with CoN....and then, I got the urge to try an old hairstyle, to see how much hair I've 'lost' by rigously trimming all of the color out of my hair.

This style:



has converted itself to this:



For one thing, it's DEFINITELY shorter. A good two inches shorter, I'd say. But! Much more importantly - it's also DEFINITELY thicker. I mean - HUGELY thicker - it's really amazing how much HAIR I have on my head - I truly cannot wait to see what it looks like as it gets longer. And it's healthier FEELING. Just looking at those two pictures - the second one looks - alive. It looks moist and rich and dense. *happy dance*

I think this is the first time I've REALLY been able to see a clear difference in the HEALTH my hair! The only real difference I was seeing was in length, and that was going the wrong direction.... but seeing this - I'm pleased.

Anyhow!

Sparklies!!

Sooooooo.... my earrings came in the mail! I don't know how long they were here, as DH got the mail, and neglected to tell me that a small, flat package had shown up!

I ripped open the package, popped out my earrings, and grabbed these first -
I know that one of the swirly pairs was 14g, and this set looked smaller than the other one.

I grabbed one, rubbed a little oil on my ear, and pushed. Ooooh. That burned. I pushed a little harder, and oooooohhh! Hrm. Maybe this one is the 12g?

So, I grabbed the set that I KNEW were 14g - these:

and they slid into my ear like butter. Pretty!! But - they were an identical pair, not a mirror set. We'll come back to them later.

So - now that I knew (process of elimination) that these HAD to be the 14g dangles


I grabbed them, and put them on.....



PRETTYYYYY!!!

I haven't taken them out since then - that was Saturday night, I think. The right ear is still a little sore when I nudge it (that was the ear that I tried the 12g in) but I've been keeping my hands off of it - the left ear is just fine!

So - I figure I'm going to leave these in for - oh, two months or so, then go to the 12g. I'm sure by then, I would have collected more prettties!

Now - as far as that identical set goes - I'm thinking of trying to put them into my helix piercing - but I think that my helix is 18g? 20g? ie - way too small to start with 14g...



See?? I don't know WHAT size that helix is - but the 14g in my ear looks like a right honker, comparatively. I know cartilige can be touchy, so I might actually go to a piercer for that un. Esp. since I don't know how to take that earring out. :lol:

Okay, I think I'm all caught up now.

ETA: Woot!! This is my 100th journal posting!! Happy 100 to me!! :rockerdud :hollie:

Hold On, Please

Dealing with Telephone Pests:
Three Little Magic Words

Steve Rubenstein
©2002 San Francisco Chronicle

Humanity could defeat its greatest scourge if everyone would repeat the phrase: "Hold on, please."

Three simple words, enough to change the world. Whenever a phone solicitor calls in the middle of dinner, don't get sore. Don't slam down the receiver. Don't hang up. Just say, "Hold on, please." Then gently set the receiver on the table and go about your business.

Why will this change the world? Because the solicitor will hold on, too. While the solicitor is on hold, he cannot bug other people in the middle of dinner, can he?

No, he can't.

For years, I have employed the Hold On Please technique. The mathematics behind the HOP technique are truly amazing. Phone solicitors make money because one or two saps in every 100 calls actually listen to the sales pitch and buy something. But what if each unsuccessful call took the solicitor a few minutes instead of a few seconds? What if a phone solicitor could make only a dozen calls per hour, instead of several hundred? Then it would no longer be cost-effective to bother people in the middle of dinner, would it?

No, it wouldn't.

A small idea, invented by me. My gift to the race. Simple, like the wheel.

(Some minutes later, after the solicitor decides you are not coming back and hangs up on his end, you will hear the distinctive wah-wah sound from your receiver, meaning it is OK to hang up your phone.)

Developing the Hold On Please technique is my way of atoning for an abysmal night I spent years ago in Oakland as an honest-to-God phone solicitor. The taskmaster of this enterprise -- a smarmy guy in used-car-salesman boots and mustache -- had jammed dozens of us youngsters into a cramped, stuffy room above a pizzeria. Each of us got a huge list of phone numbers, along with a script. (The charity that I was trying to raise money for, it turned out later, would only get 30 percent of the take -- the phone soliciting company bagged the rest.) Most of the time, I never even got to finish saying, "Hi, my name is Steve Rubenstein and I'm calling on behalf of . . ." before I would hear the Click.

Every few seconds, another click. Over and over. Click, click, click, click, click. We newbies were getting plenty frustrated. The head guy came over and said not to be discouraged, because quick clicks, as he called them, were a phone solicitor's friends. The true enemy, he said, were lonely people who kept you on the line for five or 10 minutes, and still didn't fork over any dough.

After an hour of the phone calling, after bugging dozens of people during dinner and being justifiably cussed at, screamed at and having my ancestry challenged in unsettling ways, I quit the job. The guy paid me my $5, not even 30 pieces of silver, and I slunk downstairs to the pizzeria for a beer and a sausage pizza to assuage my guilt. (Sausage can assuage, but Budweiser is wiser.)

It was then I came up with the Hold On Please technique. I mentioned it later to the head guy, after he came down for a beer of his own, and the edges of his used-car mustache seemed to droop. He said if everyone in the world did it, he'd be out of business.

Don't tell anyone, he pleaded. Just between you and me, he said. OK, I promised. So much for honor among thieves.

So there you are. It is nearly spring, a time of renewal, of rebirth. A time to give the world a fresh start.

Three simple words can do it. Remember, all great movements started small!!

---

Mwuahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

8:51

I took my first test today - 9DPO, mid afternoon, not held (but dark) urine, and got a lovely pristine negative.

Oddly enough, I don't believe it. I'm quite calmly certain that I just tested too early - and I'm okay with that.

I'm kinda considering testing every day - but keeping the results of the tests to myself. I want this - if it's true - to be my own little secret before I would even have to consider telling anyone else. Maybe I will.

Hrm. Almost all of the symptoms have stopped - except for the nipples. They aren't so hard as to hurt, but even when my boobs (I wrote boos, at first. That would be a cute name for nursing - Do you want boo? Boo? - *LOL* People would get the entirely WRONG impression if that was yelled across a crowded room) are loose and stretched out, they are still a tiny bit erect. *shrugs*  Oddly enough (I'm still trying to come to an honest, uninfluenced balance on how I feel - and this is the only place I can be totally true), I'm - calm, either way. Maybe because I'm so CERTAIN that I'm pregnant. If I'm not - I don't think I'll be devastated, just - wrong. :lol

Oddly enough, when I first find out that I'm pregnant - I even want to keep it from C for a while - just a day or two - a time for me & my babe to connect - to make that first bond. Selfish? Maybe - but it's something valuable to me.

It's sad. I've realized that no matter how much I love C - I will always be this babes mother. Only death will stop that for me. For him - well, it's easier - much easier - to stop being the babes' father. And I know (and acknowledge) that that particular idea/meme is from the fathers I've had, and the fathers that I've seen, and that I really have no clue what a proper father is like. I wonder if C does. Once I'm pregnant, I'll ask him questions like that.

I don't feel ready to talk to him about being a parent - maybe it's not fair - but I only give him nine months to come to terms with being a parent - and I've given myself how long? a year? and I'm still struggling with different ideals of parenting. *sigh* I think that I trust that he will trust - and listen - to me. I've kinda sorta talked to him about CIO (in the scope of my potential client), and we had a circ conversation ages ago.

I'm really scared about broaching cosleeping with him. I don't know how to being it up - I would really like for the whole upstairs to be a sleeping area - and the downstairs to be our living quarters - but that would - not put a kink in our sex life - but change the focus of it from the bed to the rest of the house. 

Hrm. I don't kknooooowww!

I've been saying that a lot lately.

It's one definitely honest thing.

9:07

Moutains and Molehills

Okay. So now, I'm going to weigh in.

First, this is the transcript.

Media Matters for America, a liberal Web-based, not-for-profit, 501(c)(3) research and information center, has posted the transcript of the offensive Don Imus exchange with Sid Rosenberg, a sportscaster, Bernard McGuirk, executive producer, and co-host Charles McCord.

Here's the exchange:

Imus: So, I watched the basketball game last night between - a little bit of Rutgers and Tennessee, the women's final.

Rosenberg: Yeah, Tennessee won last night - seventh championship for [Tennessee coach] Pat Summitt, I-Man. They beat Rutgers by 13 points.

Imus: That's some rough girls from Rutgers. Man, they got tattoos and -
McGuirk: Some hard-core hos.

Imus: That's some nappy-headed hos there. I'm gonna tell you that now, man, that's some - woo. And the girls from Tennessee, they all look cute, you know, so, like - kinda like - I don't know.

McGuirk: A Spike Lee thing.

Imus: Yeah.

McGuirk: The Jigaboos vs. the Wannabes - that movie that he had.

Imus: Yeah, it was a tough -

McCord: "Do The Right Thing."

McGuirk: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Imus: I don't know if I'd have wanted to beat Rutgers or not, but they did, right?

Rosenberg: It was a tough watch. The more I look at Rutgers, they look exactly like the Toronto Raptors.

My thoughts? You notice - the PRODUCER called them ho's first - and I haven't heard a PEEP of indignation about him, or suggestions that HE lose his job.

Imus added the 'nappy-headed' comment, which supports my point that the whole bruahah had little to do with him calling them Ho's, but mostly to do with him calling them Nappy-headed. Which, to me, is really the saddest thing. All black people are born with nappy hair - no matter what they might do to it AFTERWARDS, it grows nappy. And the level of racial SHAME that black people STILL have over their damn HAIR, is so high - that they have managed to get a man fired for daring to speak the shame that should be relaxed into submission.

Has McGuirk been fired? Fined? Rebuked? The producer of the show is the one who is responsible for the content, isn't he?

I think it's a media frenzy, a waste of time, and a waste of effort. If the black leadership and women's leadership gave as much of a damn about some old white man as they do about the groups they are supposed to be supporting, they might actually be able to change some things for REAL, rather than just pushing everything offensive under the rug and onto satillite radio.

All I'm saying is that it's a big blowup over hair, and black shame.

Mother Natures Parting Pinch....

<----------Google Inspired Funny, thataway....

So... the Freeze of '07 is hopefully totally over.

Suprisingly (or, maybe not) enough, the freeze didn't bother the seeds at ALL - I've got stuff sprouting EVERYWHERE - it seems like the cool weather (lettuce, brocolli, brussels) are coming up the fastest, which makes sense. Some of the sunflowers have sprouted, and the Alyssum has sprouted....a lot of stuff has sprouted. The germination rate is higher than I expected, as these were dollar store/walgreens/big lots seeds that I've been collecting over the last *thinks* 3 years now.

The main thing impacted - my poor strawberries. I swear, ONE of these years they are going to be able to start the season off right. And danggone it, I forgot to screen them this morning.

The berries BEFORE the freeze. Here - they are still in the old bed, before I moved them.

 

The berries AFTER the freeze - and this was WITH the McGuyver'd greenhoues. And yeah, that's the saddest looking one - poor thing.

Pitiful, ain't it? They are some hardy creatures though (considering they came back at ALL this year) and they are actually looking better than that already - and I think I took that picture on Monday or Tuesday - they are greening up some.

 

---

 

Lets see, what else exciting & new is going on in my life? I met with a new potential doula client Tuesday, but I don't think she is going to hire me, because I was a little - vocal - about my total and UTTER disdain/hate/horror around Babywise - which she was ALREADY READING. Gah. I sent her a list of alternate books, but I think I might have turned her off. We'll see.

Around the house, C is still painting the kitchen, and this weekend, we plan on hanging the kitchen fan - it's the cheapest, and the room we mind the LEAST if we screw up in. *lol* - Lisa - I might be giving ya'll a ring for some tips and hints!

Work is still sucking my ass, and that's all I have to say about that.

I'm going camping next weekend!! Woot for time in the forest with a buncha semi-insane pagan women! I truly cannot WAIT for this - I'mma have so much fun, it'll be INSANE. I need to go fabric shopping this weekend (hrm, I could do that tonight) to make a robe for myself, so I can sew it over the week.

Hrm. Only 1/2 hour left at work.... I should go and do some, I suppose.

3:53

If I'm not pregnant, I will have a very hard time believing anything my body has to say about stuff from now on. Shall I run through the - oddities? I'm not even going to call them symptoms, as it could be just some WILD ass PMS. I will note - the boobs started RIGHT after  2DPO, where the second dip was. We covered our bases (and covered them WELL) both dips, so - we shall see.

1) Green veins on upper chest & breasts
2) Constipation
3) Brainfog
4) Exhaustion
5) Mild Nausea (very mild - it comes and goes)
6) Puffy Vaginal Walls (this one is from today - I went to check my CM/CP, and everything was puffy and engorged and soft and - interesting. My labia were the same way, and I'm soooo not aroused at work!)
7) Mild backache/cramps/twinges in my lower back and lower front
8) Bloating (oh god, the bloating. I've NEVER bloated for PMS - and I feel all puffy and airy)
9) Skin Issues - oh MAN - my skin! It's flaking and peeling and breaking out and generally acting the ass. I need a good salt scrub.

Hrrrm. Okay. I think that's about it as far as the ghost symptoms. Did I mention the sleepiness? Holy freaking Moley, I sleep like the DOOMED, and I would be very happy to just sleep for a few days straight.

Also - and I don't think that this has anything thing to do with anything, but I'm just noting it - for the last few (four? five?) days, I've been waking up at 4:40 almost ON.THE.DOT - I'm not sure why - I had been thinking it was C stirring, but last night he was out of town and I still woke up - though, I did go back to sleep much easier.

The hunger is also interesting. All week at work, I've been getting hungry at 11ish or so, and it's a steady, stubborn, doesn't go away until 12:30ish hunger. And then I eat lunch, and I'm hungry AGAIN around 2:30 - it feels like my metabolism has ramped up again, and well, there is no reason why. And I'm not craving salty/sweet stuff like I usually do - I'm just sleepy - um, I mean, hungry.

And did I mention the random thought that I had that I might have twins? Those two dips - I swear, it was me releasing two eggs. I felt something that MIGHT have been mittlesmertz twice too - about a day apart. It would also explain the heightened symptoms, if I have two blastocytes pumping the good juice out. Anyhow, all that was leading up to me talking about testing. I'm not SUPPOSED to test until the 24th - CD51, 18DPO. I'm going to try REALLY hard to hold out til then, because I kinda don't WANT to know, one way or another, before DotM. I want to have fun and be lighthearted and freefooted - I don't want to be sad about NOT being pregnant (and knowing damn well it's too early) or giddy about BEING pregnant - and thus utterly distracted from everything else. DotM is a good reason to be in limbo.

I think I will give C all of the sticks, and tell him to not give them back to me until I get back from DotM. :lmao *sigh*

I'm so sad.

4:16

I'm in a mood to write here, but I haven't been up to much, so we'll see how far it goes.

1) Henna & Coconut Milk - I loved this - loved the result, loved the way it left my hair feeling, am a little nervous about how much curl it pulled out. I definitely think that mix will have to be a once every 3 months kind of thing - doing that everymonth would do odd things to my hair.

2) Weekend Hair Things - I didn't do much to the head this weekend - a nice deep moisturizer with the Elsta QP, and that was about it. I tried taking texture pictures again, and failed, quelle misrable. :lol: Urm. I used the CoN as the moisture this go around, and I only did two twists across the forehead, and then started going back & down. I'm considering two strand twists next time - but I don't know. What I REALLY want is braids/yarn twists, but I'm being right chicken about doing them myself, and I plain refuse to pay someone to do them, so we shall see.

Goddess Spirals - well, I've been hanging out in the Goddess Spirals thread, and I have FOUR different sets of earrings coming my way. I got them from eBay (much cheaper than the real thing) so I can try them out before splurging on a 50 buck pair of earrings.
These are what I got...

14 gauge - these will most likely be the ones I start with in my first home.


Also 14g - I plan on putting these in my second hole.


12g - jsut in case one of the hoels can take something bigger than 14.


10g, because they were so pretty - and I want to see how BIG 10g is, and figure out if I would want to go that large.

So - that was my fun, my score - I wonder when he's going to ship them? It would be nice to have them - ooh, I should DEFINITELY have them in time for DotM! That would rock!

2:08

5 DPO.

Yeah, I know - that was quick, right? I'm happy though - that 'techinically' makes it a 1.5 week wait, but I'm going to be a good girl, and not test until I'm supposed to.

Okay, if I start hurling, I'll test sooner, but I doubt that's going to happen. The hurling, that is.

Boobs are still - tight. It's worse when they are left free I think - wearing a bra helps keep them bound up, so they can't swell/shrink/do whatever the hell it is that makes em hurt so much!

And I figured out what the feeling of 'fullness/achiness' was - it felt like I had been doing situps! Now, I don't THINK our sex has been quite THAT rigourous - but hey, it might have been.

And of course, like everything else, it comes and goes, comes and goes.

I'm not even - it's hard. I'm constantly prepping myself to NOT be pregnant - this is once area where my ongoing pessimism is going to have a hard time staying firm. I mean - sheesh. How can you NOT hope - but at the same time, if I'm not, I don't want to crash. Yeah. 

I should make a new chapter called 2WW for all of this stuff, because I do most of my maudlin bullshit then....

2:17 

1:01

Ah - one thing. My boobs - this morning, when I looked in the mirror, I could see all these HUGE green veins, just running through them. That might have been because I was a bit dehydrated too. They also felt like they weighed 35 pounds each - but they fit in my bra the same, so it's not like they are any bigger.

My nipples are also doing the permahard thing - well, at least they were this morning.

Also - I hurled this morning. Just - magic, semi-projectile vomit. My stomach simply refused to digest the lovely cheesey bread I ate right before I went to bed. The interesting part is that I wasn't the least bit hung-over, either.

1:04

12:24

I think that the wait for the two week wait is worse than the wait itself. I'm not sure what's going on with my chart - it almost looks like I O'd twice. Wouldn't THAT just be a hot mess there?

Anyhow. That's about it. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

And all of my forums are slow/quiet - so I keep clicking back to my chart, as if FF would give me coverlines on the slick, or something.

Yeah. I've got nothing.

12:25

Thanks for the cold shoulder, Ma Nature...

Frigid Easter, isn't? Ostara (March 24th) was ever so much nicer.  

Over the last few days, this HORRID cold front has blown in, and overnight temps have dropped below freezing. Yes, it WAS over 80 a few days ago. In-freaking-sane.

So. Luckily, it's barely been a week since I planted, and the only thing that even looked like it had sprouted was one of the okra.

 

I used some cheap, translucent shower curtains I had gotten from the dollar store, and as it was cold as - well, it was cold out there, I took a short cut, and cut small holes for the posts on the corners of the beds, and secured the shower curtains to the bed that way.
It's loose enough that air can flow under it, but close enough that dew shouldn't form on the dirt itself, and thus, keep the dirt & the seeds a little warmer.

I considered watering, but figured that it wouldn't be worth it with the risk of a freeze, and besides, the ground was still damp - definitely not moist, but certainly damp.

That was Saturday afternoon. I planned on watering them this morning, but when I went out there and tried to turn on the garden hose, not only did the sprayer things handle break, hunks of ICE came out of the hose.

Yeah. Ice. In April. It was 85degrees four days ago.

As expected, dew had formed on the underside of the plastic, and was dripping back down onto the dirt - and it was warm(ish) because of the sun hitting the plastic. Go makeshift greenhouse! I left them on - enough light gets through them, that the tradeoff for warmth is a good one. Nothing else sprouted, though.

We are relaxing at home today - I'm thinking about setting up in the library and working on my LibraryThing - hrm. I also need to read for class tomorrow.

1:54

Odd video I saw on youtube - not sure how (or if to share it, but I wanted to hold onto it, all the same.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-GAZ2_3ors

May it be good luck for me!

1:55

Garden.

Hehehe.

I'm home now, thus in a better mood.  Pictures <------thataway if you're interested. Also, the source of the questions...

What are you growing and how in the world did you get all the dirt and peat moss there?

Growing:
Red/Green Peppers
Pumpkin
Okra
Pole Beans (two kinds)
Parsley
Onion (bunching)
Basil
Chives
Tomatoes
Dill (two kinds)
Sage
Brussel Sprouts
Squash
Spinach
Cucumber
Lettuce (two kinds)
Eggplant
Mustard Greens
Brocolli
Cauliflower
Watermelon
Canteloupe
Strawberries
Sunflowers (5 different kinds)
Radish
Lavender.

Plus, there are the herbs in the herb bed from last year
Chocolate Mint
Lime Thyme
Parsely
Rosemary
Lemon Balm

And yes, all of that first list fits into those four beds. The veggies/fruit are all in three beds, the last bed on the end has four of the kinds of sunflowers, as well as allyssum and morning glories. Square foot gardening rocks. I think I gave everything enough room, except the pumpkin. :( We shall see.

The herbs are in a small bed next to the front steps.

How'd I get it all here? In 13 40 pound bags of this......

And four 20 pound (roughly - I think they might have been heavier) bags of this....

All slung in the back of this....

Thumb.

What's the saying? Stick out like a sore thumb? Something like that?

Yeah. That's how I've been feeling in my real world life - esp. at work - more and more. I feel like there is NOTHING here that is really me - nothing here that I do at work that is authentic (and actually work related. The online stuff doesn't count.)

I don't talk to my coworkers, I don't talk to my boss, I come to work, I eat lunch alone, I do the little bit of work that I have to do, and I go home - where my real life begins.

I started with this - that little black area in the bottom corner is the garden bed from last year - the one with the transplanted strawberries, and the one lovely sprig of quince.  

Then I built these.

And then, two days, 600 pounds of compost and peat moss, some REALLY messed up cuticles, 20 something bags of seeds, a couple of feet of yarn, and about 40 pounds of sweat later -  I ended up with this...

The screens are protecting the once AGAIN transplanted strawberries from the sun, as I wanted to move the old bed and resize it. I was suprised to find, as I moved the berries, that I had *thinks* seven? plants that survived from last year - I thought it was just one or two plants that had spread a lot.

I'm doing square foot gardening, and I'm growing a SHITEload of stuff.

This is my life.

My home.

My loves -

That stuff up there - that's what really matters to me. And more and more, it's getting harder and harder to pull myself away, to go to a job that I hate with people that I'm getting closer to downright despising, to earn the money that's still (but much less than before) needed to keep that stuff up there going. In fact if it wasn't for that stuff up there, I would have been out of here a long time ago.

I'm not bitter or anything, I'm just achingly homesick.

And I've only been away from home for 4 hours.

ETA: And I'm about to go back! Good Friday, INDEED!

4:18

Because it's not just the desire for a baby that pushing, pushing, pushing me. It's the need - the craving - to be doing something, everyday, every hour, that I actually GIVE a fuck about.

I don't want to be here. That came to the forefront of realization when I saw how delighted I was at the thought of being fired. I'm working on my Career Development & Workplan now, and I realized that my number one problem is that I don't give a fuck. I've got no drive, no passion, no interest with most of the things that go on around here.

I need to be on a process team, where I'm challenged to do new things, create new processes, and actually have OTHER people give a fuck about it, rather than stuck here where half the people whine, and the other half play online.

Yea, I'm a little frustrated. Because I know I've got more in me - but why the hell should I give it to IP? I've got no reason to. I work hard enough to get my paycheck, and to keep things moving along, and anything extra is more than I have the energy/interest/passion in doing.

And, at the same time, I feel completely unauthentic at even PRETENDING like I want to move somewhere else - why, when I know (ovulation willing) I'll be flipping this place the long-term, kissmyass bird in less than a year?

So.

I don't know. I'm going to have to mull over this one at home. Can I fake it? I doubt it - I'm not busy enough to even build up that sort of head of steam. I'll have to think on it.

In more chapter appropiate news - I got a POSITIVE OPK!!! Wooott! That was *thinks* Yesterday. We've DTD almost 4 days in a row - I'm trying to stagger it so that we do it at night, skip a day, then do it in the morning. That seems to be the best plan to insure that we've got fresh sperm up there all the time. I also had EGGWHITE!! EGGWHITE!! I didn't think I could make eggwhite, and it was just a little bit, hanging out up by my cervix, but STILL!

We've had more sex in the last few days (back to back to back) than we've had in a while, and suprisingly enough, it's nice. It's not nearly as much of a chore as I expected it to be - sex with a purpose.

My chart makes us look like bunnies, but I don't care.

And - I think I ovulated today - this afternoon, actually, around 2ish. I was sitting here, and  there was this sudden, short, sharp cramp on my right side. That would be really nice, to get pregnant. If I do, my LMP needs to be 3/15, according to dates, and things.

I don't think I'll tell OD as a whole until I'm at 8-12 weeks. Anna just went through her miscarriage here, but - well, everydamn body knows how baby insane she is, so - it was more expected. I've kept my babyside to myself, because - well, just because that's how I roll. And, I'm gonna keep it to myself for as long as possible. Because, dammit. I jsut want to. My own little secret. Our little secret.

*sigh*

I haven't even gotten my coverlines yet, and I'm already dreading this 2WW.

I need to get out of here earleish.

4:30

10:58

I finally STOPPED BLEEDING!!

I haven't wanted to write, as I was afraid I would jinx myself, but finally, after - 27 days, I think it was, I've. Stopped. Bleeding.

I've gotten some ass twice, too - and enjoyed it, BOTH times. I took an OPK on Monday, and as I had been working outside all day, my pee was damn near brown, but I got a NICE dark line. We had sex that morning, and then again last night, so I think I'm covered.

I've started staying away from the areas other than my 'groups' on FF. I don't WANT to read about getting EWCM and not O'ing, or OPK's lying to people - I don't want to infect my mind with that sort of worry. So.

Hopefully, I'll get my coverlines in the next day or so, and then the 2WW is on! DotM is in 16 days - I could have a BFP by then! Actually, I'll think I'll wait til AFTER DotM, so I can be sloshy and shit if I want to.

*smiles* I love this point - the cusp of potential. I think there will be more sex tomorrow, and then..... the wait begins. Oh! I need to add another blinkie to my siggie over on CPP.... there aren't enough people trying to get knocked up over there!

I'm bubbly happy. Goddess. I hope TTC doesn't turn into an insane manic/depressive cycle for me.

11:03

Have I mentioned recently just how MUCH I LOOOOVVVEEE FNWL's henna? Hrmm? I haven't? Well, let me just say - the. stuff. ROCKS.

So. This is going to be my ultra detailed, wonderfully pictorial trip down Henna Lane

I started around 3pm in the afternoon or so - setting up my ingredients so that I could let the dye release before I slapped it on. I was trying something different this go around, so my ingredients are a little unique.



From left to right we have:
1/2 cup of FNWL Henna
about a cup of leftover coconut milk/lime/conditioner/honey mix that I made 02/24 and froze what I couldn't use.
My mixing bowl (which is actually a fondue bowl - all that matters is that it's NON POROUS and NOT METAL!)
a coffee cup full of hot hot tap water.

I normally don't use that much henna - but I normally also stretch my henna by adding a cheapie conditioner to it, and I didn't do that this time, as I wanted to see the results of the coconut milk mix on it's own. Normally, I'd use a 1/4 cup of henna, and just dump in enough condish to make it stretch.

I mixed the henna & CMLHC mix together first, then slowly added water and mixed, and mixed, and mixed until it looked like this....



Generally gross, and lumpy, and very green. Hey! That's another thing about FNWL's henna - it's not as strong smelling as others I've used. Henna to me, smells like tea made out of hay. FNWL's henna has a very light haytea smell. You can see about how much water is left in the coffee cup - barely any.

Now, the henna has to sit, to let the dye release.

While I was waiting for that, I figured I would have a little fun, and clarify my hair with the last of the Shikakai I had. I mixed about - oh, it was 1/4 cup I'd say, with some water to make a paste (I didn't expect it to be that color - reddish brown, very pretty!), and then added a LOT of White Rain conditioner (most likely the Citrus Energizing one). I also added a touch of baking soda (I like my hair to be as stripped/clean as possible before I henna, so my hair can get all the goodness out of the henna), and THIS happened.



The stuff foamed up, and turned into a thick, rich, mousse type stuff. I've seen that happen before when I mix citric acid & baking soda in with conditioner - I didn't expect the shikakai to react like that. Anyhoooow. I slapped that into my hair, and wandered around the house for an hour or so, before I went back to check the henna.



Once henna's dye has released, theres a subtle change in the COLOR of the henna itself - I meant to scrape through the top so it would be more obvious in the pictures, but I forgot. You can kinda tell that the edges have gotten oranger, though. This is how I check to see if the dye has been released:



Take the palm of my hand, stick a fingertip into the henna and gob a spot of henna on my hand, walk around for 2-4 minutes, rinse my hand off. If I've got orange - the henna is ready to go!

Now, comes the fun part! First - the preparations.



Not one, but TWO latex/rubber gloves. Trust me on this. :lol: If you notice, I'm wearing a towel - that's solely for the sake of the picture. Normally, I'm nekkid, as it's easier to henna that way.



You also want about three paper towels (still stuck together, and folded into thirds lengthwise), and a healthy bit of saran wrap - enough to wrap it all the way around your head.



And of course, the henna. :lol:

FNWL's henna is sticky, and gooey, and gloopy. These are all VERY good things.



See? It's really nasty looking, but that's okay. You don't wanna eat it, anyhow. I just stick my hand in, scoop a glob out, and squish it into my hair. Oh yeah, I rinsed the clarifying stuff out of my hair right after I tested that the dye had released - my hair is slightly damp, and that helps the henna spread a bit more.



All done! I don't care about getting henna on my skin around my hairline, as I'm dark enough that it just blends in. Lighter skinned folx - beware! You might need to put some sort of barrier - vaseline is a popular one - around your hairline to avoid looking like the orange ghost of who did what and WHY, sweet goddess, WHY??!! My hair is short (and stubborn) enough that it stands up on it's own - those with more 'floppy' hair, might have to sacrifice a couple of claw clips (if they are plastic, they are porous, and they will get stained) to hold your hair up.

This is why you want gloves. Your hands will be this color if you don't wear them, and it'll take about a week to wear off. Don't say I didn't warn you. :lol:



CAREFULLY take the gloves off, and toss them.

Now, it's saran wrap time!

Stick one end to your forehead, and carefully wrap the saran all around your head - this is the first step in the battle against drippies.



Once you are done, you should have a very attractive shiny cone head. Fold the top in so that it covers your hair (this also helps to hold the heat in), and cut your earholes (if you want them). I get really - squirelly if my ears are covered/bound up, so I have to do this. Just take a pair of scissors, and CAREFULLY cut a backwards angled slice into the saran wrap, and stop right below the top of your ear. You should then be able to pop your ear out, while leaving your hair covered.



Now, it's time for the paper towels - the main line of defense against drippies. Just grab, wrap so that the ends overlap in the front, bobbypin them together, and cut an earhole, and you're done!



Do ignore the goofy face, I think DH had just goosed me. *blush*

Next, slap a showercap on top of the whole thing. I do this for two reasons - one, to help hold heat in better (that encourages ALL of the dye to release from the henna, and I need every bit I can get), and two, to catch any drippies that might escape.



Finally, so that I don't look like a crazy plasticheaded woman walking around the house, I slap my handy dandy doo-rag on top of everything, and I'm done!



Depending on how I'm feeling, sometimes I'll hop in the shower to rinse the henna off of my shoulders, but most of the time I'll jsut grab a (dark!!!) washcloth, and rub it off.

This whole process take a heck of a lot less time to DO than it did to write about. *LOL*

I'd say from dye release to all done takes me about 30 minutes. I don't count the dye release time, as 90% of the time, I'm not making my henna fresh - I make up a HUGE batch, put about 2-3oz into a ziploc bag, and freeze them. The morning of the day I want to henna, I pull it out the freezer, stick it in the fridge, and by the time I get home from work, it just needs to sit on the counter for 15 minutes or so, and it's ready to go.
Yes, it's cold. as. hell. But - it warms up after about 5 minutes on your head.

Silly me, I didn't take any pictures of the un-hennaing process - but with FNWL henna mixed with a little conditioner, it's stupid easy. Wait however long you can stand - the minimum is about two hours, I left this particular one on for 24 - yes, A full day. I was working around the house, so it didn't matter.

Take off the scarf and the showercap. Un-bobbypin the paper towels, and use them to pull the saran wrap off your head. Dump the whole thing in the trash (and if you don't use bags in your bathroom trashcans - don't dump it in there, unless you want an orange trashcan). Get into the shower, and rinse with warm water.

Yup. That's it. FNWL's henna is almost like rinsing out conditioner alone, it's that easy. And if it's easy to rinse out of MY curly, will-hold-onto-a-particle-of-ANYTHING-hair, it'll definitely come out of everyone elses just fine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Personally? I LOVED the coconut milk/henna mix. My hair - which had been out, in a fro, for a WEEK, before this - combed out like a dream. My curls were DEFINITELY loosened (maybe a bit more than I really wanted them to be - I might be nervous about doing this regularily - but I'll have to see how it looks the end of the week), and my hair - as usual - had the lovely henna thickness and sheen.

Shhhhhhheesh. That was a BOOK.

What else did I do hair related this weekend? I think that about it. I finally took a halfway decent picture of my current style (as I don't have a SCRAP oof red left in my hair, my old siggy pic was starting to bug me), and that's about it. Oh! I took some up close pictures of my two strand twists....



*sigh* One of these days, I'm going to get a PROPER picture of my texture.

Oooh! Something new I've been doing - I have a BUNCH of palm kernal oil that I got from a swap on here, and since the weather has gotten warmer, it's melted. I dip my horn comb into the palm oil, and then comb through my hair with it - nicely spreading the oil all through my hair. It's wonderful - I'm using that as my two strand twist moisturizer/sealer, and then using either WP or the CoN as the final moisturizer when I actually flattwist it.

Okay.


I think I'm done now.


Seriously.


*thinks*

Yah, I'm done.