Friday Night Partttyyyy Time.

*sighs* I have a really bad headache. Maybe the doctor’s thought that I might have allergies (yick.. yeech GROSS!!!) is true. It kinda feels like a sinus headache, but I don’t know. I mean I made it through 5 years in Atlanta which had a allergy season from March to December, and then I come further NORTH and get allergies? That would suck. Well. Humph.

Okay… I did it. I know I Shouldn’t have...but I did. I brought a 25” TV and a entertainment center. Mind you….I still don’t have my furntiure, but dammit I got me a bigger TV. I only spent 300 bucks on both of them though… so I’m kinda glad. : ) However… I might have to nickel and dime my way into getting the furniture. *sighs* But dammit… I’mma DO it. : ) I will just have to wait until I get paid. *LOL*
That was FUN!! I just helped my mommy buy a new computer online. Since she doesn’t have one and her job is smart enough to not give people internet access (I would just DIE!) I had to help her. Humph. I call her all happy cuz I just got a TV & stuff.. and she drops 900 bucks on a computer system. Though I have to admit it IS a nice one… by dell and all. Now I don’t have to worry about suffering from computer withdrawal while I am visiting her. Hm. Talk about encouragement.

*grins* TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF…. *deep breath* and ONE MORE TIME!!!

T! G! I! F!

On that note… I’m out. Have a happy weekend ya’ll….

Stay Jazzed.

It's Hot It's Hot... take it oFFFF!!!!!!

I really really really hate the government sometimes. Out of my bonus check they took...41%. That's right. 41% of the bonus I was supposed to get went right back to the government. Taxes are good, I understand why they are needed...bt DAMN!!! 41%?!?!?!?!!!!!!! *sighs* As I told my mom... that was a big color tv and an entertainment center....*Sighs* So, I don't think that I will be getting those things right now. And as I can't (and I do mean CAN NOT) get any kind of credit (Value City rejected me. I mean...damn.) I guess I will have to wait a little longer for the TV & Stuff. *sighs*

Anyhow... on a happier front. Life is GOOD! I love Chef.. and he loves me. :) He taught me this innnteresting little game last night called FourSquare. *sniffs* He beat me 9 times out of ten....but still. It was fun. Then he wrote this dilly dilly poem...but it was so totally the thought that counted. I realized that I have almost NO strategy skills at all.
Urgh.
Work is okay. My performance review went well... My manager said that he was letting me feel my own way out *resists the urge to strangle him* and that so far, I done good. :) My mommy loves me. My grandmommy loves me. I sent off the card to my sperm donor last night. *snorts* I wonder if I will get a reply. Urgh. I'm going to be able to get my glasses today, and I have been getting lots of notes and talking to folx here. :) AND AND AND ANDDDDDDD... it's almost 55 degrees outside and I went out for lunch. Talk about GOR-GEE-OUS! *sighs* But it's only for a second as it is supposed to get quite cold again. AND! I got a temp temp bartending job...but still. TipMoney is a wonderful thing. :) Clearly... today I have been just level. No super highs no super lows. Just cool. Maybe I need to stop eating breakfast.
IceChica has planted an evil evil seed in my mind...I am going to dye my hair. Again. :) I'm going to a mall after work, and the one I am going to has a Sally's Beauty Supply in it (talk about hair heaven) and I am going to figure out just what color I want it to be before I leave work. I'm not going blond (and besides, I don't want my hair to fall out)but maybe a nice bright auburn. The weather is warming up and it is time for me hair to HEAT up to. *grins*
Ah... work calls (that feels so great to say)

Stay Jazzed.

Blagh, Blue, Money

*shrugs* Confessions are odd. I haven’t written this and I don’t know why. I just don’t want to. When I wrote it (while I was at home) I was half sick and missing Chef and just in a perfect way to spill it all. It’s rather sad when you can’t spill your guts to yourself. Anyhow…I’m still not writing it.

I realized that I tend not to talk much. I’m not much of a chatterer… mainly because I don’t like talking sometimes. I wish I could go around for a whole day and not say a word. LittleOne did that once and I thought it was the oddest thing. Hm. I can’t WAIT for theweather to warm up. Spring smells so good and clean.
Ugh. I have been having the most horrible horrible mood swings lately. I will be totally happy and glowing with joy one hour… and the next I will feel so down and tired and sad I just wanna cry. It’s really bad. I know part of it is because I’m scared that something is wrong with me…wrong with my inner parts. I’m…edgy I guess would be the best word. And then I read stuff online ( I need to stop that) and it matches some of my symptoms and I am just scared of totally…*sighs* I don’t know. And then I’m totally freaked by the fact that what if something is really permanently wrong with me, and I threw away what might have been my only chance to have a child? *sighs* Oh god I would be no more good if that turned out to be the case. I don’t know why I have this… belief kinda that not talking about things will make them go away or that talking about them somehow binds them into existence. *sighs* I’m going to lunch (though I’m not very hungry.. and haven’t been for a while) and just stop it.

I have stinky toes. I sitting here rubbing my sore feet and working on my year goals (for work... I need to make some for my life too) and I have funky toes. Not bad ‘yeech what crawled in your shoe and died funky’, but more an ‘ohh that is a hot (yet clean) foot’ funky. *sighs* It’s a not too good but not really bad smell. I had to share.

I think that today I will finish reading all of Scarlet Ibis’s diary. : ) I read her last 30 entries first, so as I was reading through I KNEW just around when she was gonna get pregnant and it was so exciting to build up to it. It’s like I snuck and read the end of the book before the beginning. Hm. Break time.

I don’t know what it is.. I wake up all cheerful and then it’s just down hill from there. Right now all I want to do is go home, curl up in my bed…and just lay there. I don’t even want to read. How scary is that?

I tried to get a bartending job at the new hotel that is opening up downtown. By the time I went in for the interview, all the bartending positions were filled, but the guy offered me a position as a server. He said that it is one way to be able to ‘jump’ into a bartending spot. I was hoping to hear from the other downtown place, but as I haven’t yet…I emailed him and told him that I am still interested in the job, and that I needed to know a few things before I accepted for sure. *sighs* I have realized that I NEED another job if I want to get a car and stay in my lovey apartment, and continue paying off my bills the way I have been. Ughha. Well.. on a happy money note. I am going to get a living room set and a TV and a entertainment center with my money from the bonus and my income tax refund. I am going to go to HR Block and try to get one of those super fast loans… that way I might be able to get the stuff (or at least order it) this weekend, and if not this weekend, definitely next weekend.


Stay Jazzed.

2/5/01

*peeps head in*
*checks notes*
*reads some favourites*
*saves the rest for later*

Hi everybody! It's sad that I am FINALLY able to get here...20 minutes before I have to leave for me doctor's appt. Ah well...

Nothing much has been going on. I'm going to have MONEY MONEY MONEY... which is already mentally spent on living room furniture, plants, birthday gifts, and driving lessons. :) Somebody is going to get a license!!
Umm.. me & Chef are doing good. He is thrilled because he just got a promotion and is going to be a Sous Chef at the newer and ritzy branch of the chain he is working for... so he is all cheerful and stuff.
We had another arguement...which is where the little manipulative sound bite came from earlier. *grumps* He can be a little so&so sometimes.
ummm.. I still ain't too fond of my job...I feel like I'm floundering in a very big sea. I need direction, guidance, SOMETHING. *pulls on hair* But my Performance Management meeting is tommorow... so that should be okay.
I think I'm gonna dye my hair. (Rein you are a bad bad influence on me). I'm trying to decide if I am once again going to try to go for basic black... or if I am going to lighten it up...I should post a picture one day and shock everybody. *laughs* What do you guys think I look like??
I still haven't sent the card off to Daddy Dearest yet. *rolls eyes* I'm going to write it in the card while I'm at the doctors since I forgot to bring a book and I seriously doubt that he will be running on schedule. *rolls eyes again*

Well... I need to wrap up a few things... then I'm off to get poked and prodded and all that jazz. Urgh.

Stay Jazzed....

GAG, SPIT, HISSSSSSSSSSSS

I don’t like being manipulated. I don’t like people even trying to manipulate me. And once I realize you have tried, it’s gonna be like getting blood out of a radish for me to do another damn thing for you without it just being my own urges.

I like the OD because it gives me a chance to read about and try to understand the political leanings of others. There are some people on my favorites list whose political views make me physically nauseous, but I read them anyway, just to see another side of the story. On my own, and in my day to day life, I wouldn’t interact with people who held those kind of views…here…I can try to stomach it. I’m a liberal…I know that without a doubt…but… I am a liberal who believes that the government should keep its poky nose outta my business…and out of most of the business that it is in. Some things should be subsidized, the things that are needed to insure every citizen has at least a CHANCE at a productive life. *sighs* I need to compose my thoughts and then spill then out. : ) I have created so many plans for a perfect government it is ridiculous…and while I am sure most of them are unreasonable… sometimes…just sometimes…America sucks. *sighs* This is ridiculous… I am wayyyyyy too unknowledgable. *sighs* But really… politics vaguely disgusts me. So many lies.
I think I’m going to go to lunch…wash the icky taste outta my mouth.

Stay Jazzed.
*Grins* Thanks ya'll... I knew there was a WORD for the general gist of my idealogies...but I couldn't remember what it was...*merrily strolls off to read about libertarianism*

Position of Power

I wonder how much one man can do in four years.
Will he be able to warp so many of our freedoms, and chip away at so many of our rights, that America will be radically changed?
How much influence will W. realy have?
I have never been much of one to be interested in politics, mainly because they seemed to deal with things that were far from me. Now however, I am very interested...

A sudden thought. If the access to abortion is limited to only women who have become pregnant as a result of rape or incest or when the mother life is threatened...I wonder how much the number of reported rapes will go up. It is already hard enough to prove in a court of law that a woman was raped...how the hell is she going to prove in an abortion clinic that she was raped?

Drawn out Blabbering...

Ugh. I am soooo sleepy. Partially a food coma after eating a horrendously luscious and rich slice of Death by Chocolate, and partially because I didn’t go to sleep last night until almost 2am. It wasn’t insomnia, I just.. wasn’t really tired. And even now… I’m sleepy.. but I’m not TIRED. Anyhow… I was reading (I’m sure that added to the whole not tired thing) these cat mysteries, and so when I went to sleep, my dreams were filled with cats.

Meow Meow Mwwr… *sighs* I want a kitty cat!! I want kitty cats!!! I have figured out their names too… I did it just as I was falling asleep last night. One is going to be called Nikki, the other Giovanni.. or Gio for short. Nikki & Gio…. Nice ring to it huh? I wonder if she even LIKES cats…but then again…what kind of poet doesn’t like cats?

Hmm.. I’m on ISCA talking to a gentleman who is over 600 pounds. He is a model…for various things. *blinks* It’s odd…you see people who are very overweight *hangs head* but you never really put a number to it. Wow. He just showed me his webpage and picture. Wow…I shall never ever ever ever ever ever complain about how much I weigh again. I am blessed. Oh my god… okay. *blinks* It’s amazing… I can talk to perfect s trangers face to face about all sorts of sexual misadventures, but I am stuttering and stammering and blushing furiously while talking to this man about his weight. It that like a sad comment on the state of taboos in america… or just on the state of taboos in my head? Sex is not forbidden, and in fact is something to be vaguely proud of.. but being overweight… THAT is a sin that you can’t escape. Oh mercy.. I have fallen into the Beauty Myth. *puts head into hands and sobs*

ARGH! And then I think the stupid firewall is cycling… so I keep getting booted from my telnet connection. Dammit…he seems like an interesting person. Hm He is.
Reading about atheists… dear god, I think I might be an atheist. *shakes head* nahhhh. I’m…a person. A spiritual person. Yeah. I believe in god(dess)…hm. *shakes head* Nope… not going there today. I’m a pagan. Hmm a spiritualist? *sighs* *breaks out the box* I’m just JAZZY dammit.

Stay Jazzed.

First Thought

I’m not quite sure that I have a right to request any attention from you. I suppose that after I hunted you down the first time, I had hoped that there would be something more between us than the silence that existed through the period between my 2nd birthday and my 21st. After three more years of silence, I am starting to wonder if I was wrong. I wonder if I make you uncomfortable, when I pop up like an old friend who doesn’t quite understand that your life can no longer include her, and your silence tells me nothing at all. So, I am speaking up again…for the last time. They say the third times a charm, but I can’t keep throwing myself at you. It leaves too much of a big mud-hole in my spirit when I bounce away. So, I’m leaving you with this. I am your child. What you are to me, I’m not quite sure. If you ever decide that you would like to know your child…or even that you DON’T want to know your child…feel free to let me know. My email address is XXXXXXXXX@hotmail.com. I am enclosing a business card…though I’m not sure why. Perhaps to say without words that I made it this far without you…and that I am someone that you could easily be proud of.

Jazzy.


*sighs* This is a first draft of what I am considering. I think I sound a little too bitter… but hell… I am. *sighs* I hate Monday.


Stay Jazzed.

Family Life

inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale

Breathing is such a simple act. Air in, air out. Such a simple act that insures life…gives you the chance to do it again. *shrugs* I have been weirded out for the past few days…feeling like I’m working on borrowed time. I haven’t felt this…aware of death since that terrifying car accident I was in shortly after LittleOne’s senior prom. *shrugs* I don’t know why I’m so…eerie, but I just have a weird ass feeling. Either I will get over it, or I won’t. I am assuming it is stemming from the fact that I am just, as I told my momma, feeling ‘off-kilter’. I feel fragile…like a mote in God’s eye….

Anyhow…over the weekend I straightened up my file box, and as I was going through it, I found the letter from the sperm donor. *sighs* I need to think of a better name for him…maybe I’ll just call him Ray. Anyhow…this was the letter that he wrote back to me after I broke the ice the first time and sent a letter to him. It’s odd…because I had been thinking off him on and off for the past few weeks, feeling like I should get in touch with him.

You’d suppose after 24 years I would have gotten used to the silence, but I still can’t…can’t just walk away from the silence and accept it. I have accepted that as far as true family goes, I am a child of my mother, and my mother’s mother, and of my mother’s mother’s mother. Yeah…I can count three generations of women, and not a single generation of men. My father… gone. My mother father…gone…I don’t even know if he is still alive. I doubt that my mother knows. My mother’s mother’s father…gone. I have half of a family tree…half of a history.

I vaguely remember my great grandfather…a coal black man who always smelled of pipe smoke. I had to be about 4…no older. I’m not sure what happened to him…maybe he died. My great grand mother…I remember her well. My grandfather…I met once. When I was about 15…it was a birthday for one of our ‘cousins’, and along with him I met a lot of his family…strangers all. As for my father…I met him once as well. I have aunt’s and cousins and uncles and all the like…that I will never be family to. I have a 14 year old half sister, who could slap me in the face and I wouldn’t know who she was. It’s a…interesting state to be in. Well… what all that rambling boils down to is that I am going to write Ray again…well… just a card. I…I think I am still… no..

I am still a little….ouched by the fact that he didn’t…acknowledge my graduation announcement…but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he didn’t get it. I am…bitter about the fact that after many…words of sincerity and concern, I haven’t heard from him since…my 21st birthday. A little over three years ago. And I’m trying to figure out how to put it all into one card that I am hurt and angry and sad and bitter…and that I want something from him… but I have no clue what that would make a damn bit of difference at this point in my life…and how to say all this in a way that doesn’t sound childish and doesn’t sound ragingly mad and doesn’t sound like mushed mealymouth either. Hallmark doesn’t make cards for fathers who aren’t. And then I further wonder if I even have any right…any reason to be acknowledged. I am…a 24 year old memory that has been ignored for 24 years…hell I’ll give him 21 years of forgetfulness…is there a statue of limitations on blood? Is there a time after which you should just give up and say fuck it…I don’t HAVE a paternal side? Is there a time after which a child can no longer claim anything from a … sperm donor that she never knew anyway?

Am I being a fool for even trying…and a bigger fool for even caring? Should I just suck it up, and start to believe in parthenogenesis and accept that the only closest ancestor that I have is my mother… and will always be her? *sighs* I don’t know…I feel like I am too old to be this conflicted over this. I feel like I should be ‘old’ enough to let it go…to let him go…like he did me. *sighs* And how the hell do I even try to fit all these conflicting feelings and emotions into a itty bitty hallmark card?

Stay Jazzed.

A survey....

Stolen from SunnyNight

1. Do you ever think about what the world would be like if you weren't in it?
Yes…sometimes.
2. What would the world be like if you weren't in it?
Of course…my sunnily sad personality would be gone…. But it makes me really depressed to realize that it would be pretty much the exact same. I haven’t been much of a mover & shaker during my time here.
3. Would your family be the same?
I don’t know. IF I wasn’t born my mom would most likely have finished school on time…and…yeah. My family would be very different.
4. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to kill yourself?
Yes…but usually just because I am very curious about the whole afterlife (if there is one) thing. Only once because I didn’t think my life was worth living.
5. Have you ever tried to kill yourself?
Actively tried? No…I always figured that if my life wasn’t worth living NOW… then maybe by tommorow it would have gotten better.
7. What color would you say best describes you?
Hmmm… blue like a deep mountain stream…a blue so vibrant at one point that the whole world seems blue, and a few moments later so pale that you wonder if the blue ever really was there. Of course, I could just go to emode and get the color of my aura… but that would be too much like work.
8. Do you write poetry?
Yup. Lots of it.
9. Does it reflect on how you're feeling?
Usually yes. I write poetry because what I want/need to say I can’t get out in regular ‘words’, so I write poetry that expresses it instead.
10. Do you ever wish your life was different? Why?
No, not really. I would be afraid that if my life were different, I would miss out on all of the wonderful things that I have in my life now.
11. Are you open with your feelings?
Nope…not in real life. Here…relatively open.
12. Do you hide your depression or are you open?
Um. Half the time I don’t know that I am depressed… so I would have to say that yeah, I hide it damn well.
13. What do you think about lying in bed at night?
Nothing much usually. Going over the day.. thinking about the next day. I tend to fall asleep really fast.
14. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live inside a dream?
huh…not really…but it is a very interesting thought.
15. If so, what would the dream be like?
My dream? Oh my… the details of it would take up three diary entries. Let’s just say it wouldn’t be here.
16. Have you ever thought about what the future will be like?
Yeah… all the time. I wish I could be here to see it.
17. Where would you be in 10 years?
Hmm.. hopefully with a carrer that I love, a wonderful husband, one or two children, a home of my own and move love than I know what to do with.
18. Have you ever thought about the type of person you want to marry?
yup.
19. What would they be like?
See Jazzy’s Rules of Dating and Relationships, 7/22/00
20. What kind of life would you live with that person?
OH man… umm one filled with love, communication and trust. Everything else is trimming.
21. Would you bring up your kids differently then your parents brought up you?
Oh dear god yes…in so many different ways.
22. What would you teach them about life?
EVERYTHING. I would want my children to be both prepared with a logical set of life values, and intelligent enough to know when they have to make their own.
23. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to have a perfect life?
BORING. IN perfection you always know what is going to happen next because…well surprises can be very un-perfect.
24. Would you want a perfect life for your kids?
No… because it is the hard parts of life that make you a mature person. If they had a perfect life they would end up spoiled brats.
25. If you closed your eyes and I tried to imagine Jesus in your mind what would be look like?
Hmm… I am seeing a short, but solid built light brown man. A thick head of wavy hair, sparkling brown eyes that you could drown in and huge hands…large enough to hold a child safe and strong enough to build a house.


Stay Jazzed.