closing the cage....

Well....it didn't go nearly as well as it could have, and yet, it turned out so much better than I expected. I love my Hubby, if I haven't explictly stated that before. He is SO much of my heart it's kinda scary - and ahh....well....let's do the recap shall we?

I go to pick him up from work, and for the FIRST time since he's had this job, he tells me he's had a horrible day. I know (without him saying so, though he later did admit it) that a good part of his horrible day was from fears/worries about my 'bombshell' so to speak.

So....we talked. Lord, did we talk. His first response?? 'I married you so I wouldn't HAVE to share you - I'm cool with sharing you with women, but I'm not comfy with you fucking other niggas.' *sigh* At least he's honest, ya know?? And - I was cool with that. Really - I AM. It's - *shrugs* oddly enough, it felt like more of an opening, once all was said and done more so than anything else. I've slammed into his boundaries - and with that ugly/horrible/dreadful confession out of the way - I feel - freer? Hmm...I guess confession is good for the soul. Anyhow - we talked - and talked - and talked for about 3 hours - the kind of talking that's - still not quite comfy for me...hm.

Sidebar:

One of the things I've noticed about myself is that the more I love someone, the more emotionally vulnerable I am - which makes sense. The - odd - thing about me, is that I tend to WITHDRAW emotionally from those I love - because I'm utterly TERRIFIED of them using that free pass to my heart to hurt me. So I can be a very blunt, randy, mouthy, utterly open and honest person with people I DON'T know - whereas I have a hell of a hard time even APPROACHING that brand of openess with people I love.

End Sidebar

So - where did we end up?? More or less in the same place we started, but some of the - delicacy is gone. We are going to try some new & fun things....and he DID say that maybe a few years down the line (once his possessiveness has eased a little) at least we both know where I stand.

au revior!!

The family was here, but now they are gone. It was fun having them here - I wish my uncle would have come - but oh well. He's having girlfriend drama. *rolls eyes*

Apparently, the bugs are sitll in love with me. Every TIME I step foot out of the house and am not covered from head to toe, I get bit. The latest is a huge bump on the back of my thigh - ouch, ouch, OUCH!! I actually have a piece of tape on my ankle so that I won't break the skin when I scratch  - and silly me, I left the topical benadryl at home today. *itchscratchitchscraaatch* Ah. I can't wait til I'm no longer itchy.

What else? Got my IUD pulled out yesterday - it's a fascinating little piece of equipment - but it was MUCH bigger than I expected it to be. Hurt like hell pulling it out - she didn't dilate me like they did when they put it in, and ouch. But - the cramps only lasted for about 20 minutes, so no real complaints. I got a Nuvaring and put that in this morning - hopefully the hormones won't make me all crazy & stuff like the pill did - talk about being on an emotional rollercoaster.

What else? Blahblahblehblehbleh.

I still want to go to the ocean. Camping was fun *itchscratch* but - *sigh* I need some ocean.

releasing the inner beast

First things, I did something VERY fun and VERY naughty Friday when I went to pick Hubby up. I was TRYING to get off before he called, and he called before I could - so I brought my vibrator with me, and gave myself a LOVELY orgasm on the way to get him. RAWR!! I thought for sure I would get into an accident....but I made it safely. heheh....

---

In other, MUCH more important news.......

I got THROUGHLY drunk on *thinks* Saturday night, I believe it was, and fessed up to the Hubby.

I told him - I would like to 'sample' other men. I've been reading 'The Ethical Slut' again, and well - every TIME I read that damn book I realize that it SCREAMS me. Hello - this is me. So - I basically told him by starting out with 'Darling, I think I'm a slut.', and went on from there. High points - I told him that I think that - I've never learned how to leave the door of my sexuality halfway open - I can't 'be' straight, and I don't THINK that my full sexual persona knows HOW to express itself with one person....and that being able to touch/suck/rub on other people, would free me to be able to TOTALLY turn him out. The conversation actually went SUPRISINGLY well - he heard me, and listened to me, and the top of his head didn't fly off at any point in time. So - it went well.

The next day (Sunday) we had a quickie in the kitchen right before my family got here (heheheh) and then later he mentioned that he was sure that we could work things out in a way that would make us both happy....he's mentioned it several times - just little comments that let me know he's thinking about it. He said that his biggest fear/worry is hearing me make a noise with someone else that I've never made with him, and with me exploring/doing new things with someone else that I haven't done with him. Of course, and easy thing to solidfy that would be to say that anything I do new, I do first with him...that would be no problem. The sounds/expressions/reactions thing - eh, I don't know. I'm kinda trying to warm him up for a party that some of the local swingers are throwing next Saturday.....just to soften him up for the experience (if we go....which I hope we do).

So - I come home from work today, and find this waiting for me in Notepad:

Why does my wife want to fuck everybody? I've never had an issue with women but if you wanted to fuck other guys why did you marry one? If having any woman you want and just one man isn't enough..........I just don't know. Am I STILL missing somthing? If you have always felt this way, it is very unfair of you to bring it all out now that we are married. I guess better now than never.

My response (which I'm putting together in here on the fly) is going to be:

It's not that I want to fuck EVERYBODY - ick. I'm sure you didn't mean that in an indiscriminate way, but - quite simply, I'm pretty picky. And honestly, unless we are at a swing party, and are doing full swapping, I doubt that I'll find many (if ANY) men that I would fuck rather than you.

With that said, I married you because I love you. As simple (and complicated) as that. Are you still missing something? Kinda yes, and kinda no. Remember - I'm exploring myself within the limits of a long term relationship for the first time - and in my previous relationships, I did cheat on occasion - but I don't want to break the commitment that we've made to each other by cheating, so instead I'm trying to open up, and let you know what's really going on in my mind sexually. Remember how I tried for the first few years that we were together to be 'straight'? And I realized that closing off half of my sexuality dampened my WHOLE sexual being? In a somewhat similiar way (and I'm cringing as I say this - but it's truth) I think that - I might not be sexually monogamous.

So have I ALWAYS felt this way? Yes, and no. I've never HAD to feel this way, if that makes any sense. None of my previous relationships broke up because of anything major - it was more just me deciding that I didn't want to be with that person anymore - and only once was it because I WAS cheating on that person, and decided that I didn't like the feeling - the guilt - of worrying about whether I would get caught. And - hah - I've ALWAYS been free (prior to being married) to having the - option of straying - or at least getting damn close to it. Now that I AM married - that's just not an option - I'd much rather try to work out something between the two of us that allows me to - be my full sexual self. And yes, I do think that involves me having at least the - option - of sleeping with other men. Do I have anyone in mind? Nope - haven't even (and you KNOW how many men try to talk to me) found anyone that MIGHT peak my interest like that.

---

So.... what do ya'll think? Am I handling this right?? I think so - I think that......we CAN work this out. We just have to work through is fears. For ya'll that swing/are poly (CW and CuriousHubby mainly) was this something that ya'll came to AFTER you were married, or something that was already known ahead of time.

Damn - that was fast

Okay.... I knew all I really needed to do was to sit down and FOCUS for a second... here's the synposis of my first book (in progress).

The iLillium Chronicles - Book One
Dark Moon City

One downside of being abandoned and then adopted is that you have no clue who your biological family is - and for the last 25 years, Jacy Waycand has had no problems not knowing who gave birth to her. There are others, however, who know exactly whose descendant she is, and who will have no reluctance in using her to futher their quest for the ultimate power. They are the iLillium. Every faith has a secret sect - the Catholics have Opus Dei, the Muslims have Ikhwan , the Hindus have Thugee - and the Jews have the iLillium. Inheritors and users of the magic of Lillith, Adams’ first wife who refused to be subjectgated, they ruled the medivial world from the shadows with magic and sorcery, but they were always limited by not having access to the full knowledge that Lillith held - and they could not find a way to coerce her to reveal the full list of Words of Power. 600 years later, they’ve finally discovered a mothers weak spot as well as her final resting place, and they plan on using Jacy as a pawn in the ultimate power play.

 

Fridaze....

Ummm. Hi?

This week has gone by in a blur of blurriness. My family arrived yesterday (sans my uncle, as usual *roll eyes*) and I spent the whole evening getting them settled in. It was very nice seeing them though - I've missed my mom & gramma. *pppppppphbt* Uncle.

This weekend? Um........hanging out with them, I suppose.  They are most likely coming over the house tonight - we are thinking about grabbing some takeout/something to go, and eating at our house - which should be fun. Hah. We soooo have no food in the fridge, so yeah - it's good that we plan on bringing something back.

Um. Bored STUPID at work. Stupid I tell you, stupid. And the consistent/persistant sleepiness doesn't help. Of course, if my ass got to BED before 1am, that might help a lot, ya think?

Talked to my doc yesterday - she confirmed that my IUD is remarkably low in the uterus, and it's NOT that it doesn't work anymore, but the efficienty is severely reduced. Going to see her MONDAY to get it yanked (ouchie - I hope that hurts less than putting it IN did) and to get a script for the NuvaRing - it makes no sense to get another one, as the shortest time they have is five years (which is the one I have now) I refuse to do Depo *shudder* and I'm even slightly nervous about going back to the hormonal stuff, as I became a miserable raving bitch on the Pill, but we shall see. Condoms suck. Gah, how I wish we could afford for me to get knocked up. It would be so much simpler. I wonder how that sponge thingy works.....maybe I should try that? But messy....ew. I've loved not having to THINK about it. I'm gonna miss my little tin man.

Umm....good seafood in Memphis?? Any suggestions??

*blinks* I've actually been writing  - I've got about four chapter of one of my favorite ideas done. Okay three and a half. I'm trying to write the adoption story now, and my brain is too damn dead to be properly creative - the right idea hasn't tweaked me yet. I refuse to think about what I'm going to do after writing it - besides rewriting it, of course. If I can keep up this rate of writing, I think I'll be done with the first draft by the middle of next month - which as I understand, is the easy part. It's odd - even considering how much I read, there are lots of things about WRITING I'm utterly ignorant of - like how the heck to do write dialouge? What's the proper punctuation? I've been really anal about keeping track of some of my most hated quirks in a book - weird timing, and....something else. Hell, can't remember what it was now. I think that today, I'll write the synopsis. Every time I tell someone I'm writing - they ask (naturally) what it's about - and I stammer and mutter and finally pull something out of my ass. So yeah, doing that. What genre? Fantasy, I suppose you would say.

Okay - now that I've gotten something short and basic to focus on, I'll do that.

I think that's another reason I've been writing here less - I'm usually actually writing, so journaling is like - eh. I try to note - but sometimes....brain fart. I think I might start leaving blank notes - I'm thinking of ya'll.....

wow

Someone - and I'm going to have to go through my notes again to figure out who - suggested that we try tantra to see if it helped us any. On that bit of advice, I went online, looked at some stuff, and finally, when I was in a bookstore a couple of weeks ago, I picked up a tantra book, and started reading it.

One of the things that they pointed out was that sex, so often, is focused on the other person - that our expectations are based on how the other MAKES us feel, rather than how WE feel - if that makes sense.

Anyhow - last night, I'm heading off to bed - a tired gal, as it was around 1am. Hubby asked if I wanted some company - and while I was kinda - eh, I said sure. As we got into it, I decided that instead of thinking about what was going on - I would immerse myself in how I felt, rather than how what I was doing was making him feel. I also tried to STOP thinking - just to totally be my feelings, and to react/vocalize only that. I also had to let go of my - expectations. If I wanted him to go faster at a certain point, and he slowed down, I didn't get upset about him NOT doing what I expected - instead I just moved my awareness of what was going on BACK to what was going on.

Wow. It was - stellar. It was - kinda like it used to be. Such an amazing array of FEELINGS - not emotional mind you - maybe a better way to say it would be - such a wide array of SENSATIONS - that are always there - but normally - I just don't feel them. It was - wow. Powerful and wonderful and high-enducing. For the first time in a long time, I laid there afterwards with a grin on my face - it was FUN. Mind you, I still wasn't really up for a second round - but *evil grin* neither was he.

*shakes head*

It's odd how I get to breakthroughs - I'm just so damn slow. It's like watering a baked clay - you've got to do it for a while, and give the clay time to absorb the water before any real results are seen. So - I'm going to keep trying this - internalizing - and see if the return to me helps us out. Hm. :)

So....I was thinking....

It's interesting where ones brain can take you if you aren't careful. So - I started out looking at books that we could take camping with us, to help us identify good/bad plants & animals. Then somehow, I drifted onto the backpacking section, and then somehow, I drifted into books focusing on women backpacking. That gave me the urge to go and look for blogs about women traveling the world - solo. Then, I thought - wow. That would be really cool - to travel the world, solo - and I started looking for a map - just to see where I might want to go.
Mind you - this is almost totally dream imagery - it would take huge amounts of money, and time, and just stuff. And as of right now - it's just kind of a cool THOUGHT - but.........hey - you never know what might happen in life, right?

Oh! The places I would WANT to go:
World Traveling
Egypt
Greece
Italy
Austrailia
Japan
Brazil
Peru
India
Nigeria
Kenya

Cities, why, and so forth will come later......*grins* This might be a fun little bit of imagery to do.

Let's see- how would I do it?? Not roughing it, but with only enough to carry with me at all times - basically, a backpackingtrip....but I'd be willing to stay in hotels, take hot showers, fly airplanes, and the whole nine. What do you call that? I'd want to carry a couple of changes of clothing, a couple of journals, plenty of extra memory cards, my camera, money, personal items, shoes, and a book or two, maybe a laptop - that would make life much easier, a sleeping roll (just in case)....hmmmm - some digestive medicine - anything else I might need, I could buy on the path, I suppose. I should learn French and Spanish...those two should get me through all of the countries I wanna go and see...maybe not perfectly, but at least well. *LOL* I'd be a black version of those hippie kids you see walking around airports looking all funky- at least I already have the dreadlocks - and the trip would help me lose weight too.

Hmmm...reading Art of Travel - European and World Backpacking On $25 a Day or Less... it's good..... :)

dream memory....

Entry two for today.

Hmm......had this dream as I was waking up this morning - thought it was odd/interesting...

I was at home - going upstairs to take a shower, and there was this HUGE flying thing floating around.  Somehow, I managed to corner it in the bathtub, and I turned on the shower to kill it. I felt horrible when I realized that it was a HUGE black/turquoise/pale green butterfly..... but it was dead. I pulled it out of the water, and tried to dry it off to keep, but for some reason I couldn't.
Suddenly - the scene switched, and I was about to climb into a little canoe on some river to travel with some people (I think I was the nanny), but I refused to leave until the butterfly had been pressed/preserved - so me & another fellow (I think he was a priest) stayed on shore while the others left, and we gently pressed the butterflies body into his bible.
Then - I'm in Geneva, standing on a corner, talking to a mostly bald woman who reprimands me for being so rude to my employeers and refusing to leave until the butterfly was honored, and told me that I needed to hurry and get to the house we were going to before I didn't have a room. Then, some strange man came up to her, and started kissing her, and pushed her head into the wall  - which was made of some soft gooey putty kind of stuff that stuck to her bald head.
I was then walking up the street where the house was - my employers were sitting on the porch of the house across the street with a little girl who had blond hair, pulled up into a ponytail that was somehow about 6 inches high - like her hair was putty too and it had been pulled up into a point. I walk into the house, and three cats come out of a side room and start meowing at me. I want to find my room, and I hope that it's the same room I had before, so I open the door to the steps and go upstairs. I realize that there is a door on the steps to prevent the cats from going upstairs, which makes sense, as none of the rooms upstairs have doors. The room that used to be mine is moslty filled with twin size mattresses, all covered in burgandy sheets, and other random stuff that belongs to other people. I start to go up the next flight of stairs, and realize that there is a door on a ledge over the stairs that go back downstairs, and I try to figure out how to get on the ledge so that I can see if that room is empty.
That's when I woke up.

Writing it out, I think that every 'break' was me waking up enough to hit the snooze button, and I fell back into the dream at a slightly different point each time. Weird dream though - the butterfly was from the ones that we saw while we were camping - there were some HUGE butterflies up there. The rest of it - I've no clue - and while the house I was in seemed familiar - it wasn't The House that I usually dream about.

Somewhere in there was M, one of my really good friends, and I remember thinking how lovely his hands were.

It's been a while....

since I've written - but I just haven't really been in the mood. Been noting occasionally, but that's about it.

What's new today? Hm. London - *sigh* I feel just as bad for London as I do for Baghdad, and that's all I'm going to say about that.

Holiday - went camping with the hubby - learned that if you are going to suck dick in a tent, do that BEFORE you try to jerk him off with Off! covered hands. Bllleech.

Work - played hooky yesterday - due to severe over indulgence in tequila the night before, combined with an hour or two of crying - we started talking about what sort of car he should get, somehow moved onto the subject of kids, I broke down in tears and finally told him about my suspected miscarriage while we were ON OUR HONEYMOON. Geh. I'm such a girl. Anyhow, everything is better.

Sex - had some hot steaming sex AFTER I stopped crying. It started out good, and then right in the middle I was like - ugh. I'm done (and no, I hadn't had an orgasm) but he wasn't done yet, so - yeah, whatever.

Therapy - saw her yesterday, didn't have much to say - doubt that I'll ever go back - it's just like bleh. She wasn't helping/interested in what I see as my ROOT issue, she was just all about me giving it up to hubby. And yeah, that's gotten easier - but it's more like *shrugs* sure - here - whatever, rather than the RAWR!!! Jump me jump YOU that I would like.

Smoking - I'm actually enrolling myself in a 'stop smoking' study combining Zyban and the patch. Really, I just want the free drugs, but as I figure that there MIGHT be a possiblity that the perfect, wonderful, four year long birth control I've been using might have to be REMOVED - well, hell.....I still think it's too early, but - as the light of my life said - we've pulled shit together faster than anyone might think possible before....so....who knows? Besides, I wanna see what I'm like on anti-depressants. But then, I might be getting a placebo....so....damn, I want the real stuff. I wonder if there is anyway to test and see if I'm getting Zyban or a placebo. Though, considering placebos have been proved to work almost as WELL as the real stuff, does it really matter.

Speaking of which - drug studies are such bullshit. Did you know that when they do studies, all they have to prove it that it works better than NOTHING, not that it works any better than something that is already on the market - or even something that might be available over the counter. *snort* such bs.

Saw a commercial last night for some drug that they are marketing to people undergoing chemo for cancer - it boosts your white cell counts. Me & Hubby immeadiately looked at each other and said - that HAD to be developed orginally for AIDS....

Okay. I think I'm done.

I'm ALIIIVVVEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

And really - had an utter shiteload of fun!!

Recap: We (read me, after much research, spreadsheet creating, and cross referencing) decided that we were going to go to Fort Pillow State Park. Funnily enough, there is also a state penitentary in the area, and everytime we told people we were going to Fort Pillow, they got this funny look on their face - we had to remember to add STATE PARK after it everytime. 
So - having made this decision Wednesday night, and having decided to get there early FRIDAY morning so that we could be sure to get a good site, that left Thursday for me to run around and gather ALL of the crap that we needed. I left work at 4:45, and got home around 9pm (as all the stores had closed by then). I packed, attempted to freeze drinks, washed clothes, packed, repacked food to reduce the amount of trash, and dried clothes. Then, I had to go pick up C at midnight (yes, MIDNIGHT!) and we got back to the house, packed more, finally packed the car, and we were on the road by 5am.  Notice, there was no mention of SLEEP in any of that. Uh-uh.

We drive (and it was a lovely drive) there, and JUST as we pick out a campsite, the heavens open. I wish I had taken a picture of us, soaking wet, tired as hell, after we finally got the tent up (the brand new tent, that we never practiced setting up before), but with big ass grins on our face. We climbed in the tent aroun 9am, and crashed for the next five or so hours.

After that - EVERYTHING was peachy. A raccoon jacked us TWICE - he got the masrhmallows and bread the first night, and some leftover pork and beans the second. The weather was gorgeous - there was NO ONE up there but us - a couple of people drove by, but no one else camped out.  We did NOTHING for three days. Chilled, ate, drank, played with the fire, played cards, ate some more, stared at the sky, sprayed ourselves, the tent, the chairs with Off!, drank some more, went to bed with the sun and woke up around 9am, but since we didn't have any clocks/watches we really weren't sure (and didn't care, to be honest).

Monday morning, we woke up, FINALLY cooked breakfast (we had been eating about one meal a day) and decided that it was HOT. We climbed into the car to watch Hero on my computer, and decided that - okay, it's HOT - and that we should pack it in and head home, so that I could have a day off at home too.  Can I TELL you how glad I am that he came up with that idea? WE broke camp, piled back into the car, and were home by 5pm.  By 7pm, it was POURING. I'm talking high winds, tornado warnings, lightening, thunder, the WHOLE nine. We would have been MISERABLE on the side of that mountain (okay, it was a little mountain, but STILL!!)

So. That was our camping trip. Lessons learned?? 1) Bring a hatchet. 2) Bring LOTS of bug spary - the deterrent kind and the killing kind. 3) Racoons are smart - and GREEDY.  4) Bring fewer clothes. 

I've got pictures (a few) but of course, they are all at home - I'll have to post them later.......

Edit: Also, three showers and a deep hairwashing later, my hair STILL smells like Off. And campfire - but mostly Off.