On the WarPath

I have to let go of this angry rage I have towards JEH. He is starting to creep into my dreams, and that is never a good thing. Before about two weeks ago, the only person that I dreamed about with such a white hot rage was my step-father, and I don’t really like having him trip through my subconscious either, but I don’t think I can get rid of him now. JEH however, is a different story.

The dreams always start off peaceful, with me in some relatively idyllic setting, interacting with others. Then the focus of my rage enters, and I can’t ignore him, but I am not fully aware of him either. Then, at some point there is a shift, and something happens that makes me white hot with rage. Not a normal kind of anger either, but a killing, tearing, ripping, destructive anger. It is a kind of anger that scares me, because it is a totally uncontrolled reaction to something that even in the dream world is minor. I rarely have dreams that I can feel the emotions I am experiencing so clearly after I wake up, but with all of these rage dreams I wake up angry. I wake up angry, with my heart racing and the need to GET UP and out of bed right away, rather than linger in bed and take the risk of falling back into the dream again. The dream tends to color my whole day, making me…a little antsy, and very very quiet.

I knew why the anger was there towards my stepfather, who hasn’t danced across my mind for at least a year or two now, which perhaps means I have moved on. As for JEH, the anger is because I feel betrayed. Not because of the abortion, because that was totally my choice, and I cannot ever say that it was his ‘fault’ or he made me do it. I went through it willingly, and…though I have no regrets, I do wonder what might have been. It is rare that one gets to see so clearly the forks along life’s path that can totally change your life.

So that isn’t the reason…it is more the fact that he…abandoned me I suppose? That I trusted him with so much, and there was no kindness, no sympathy, and not even a pretense of being concerned about me. *laughs* I expect that from strangers and fuck buddies, but not friends. And though I have faced that fact, and have cast him out of my life, I still have a rage towards him… a desire to inflict pain and get revenge. To fuck with & fuck up his life in a way that he will never forget. I want to beat the living shit out of him every day, and have him healed so that I can repeat the task without him dying. I don’t want him dead, I want him hopeless. I want him to hate his life and not be able to do anything about it. I want him to be stuck in an emotional dead-end, in a morass and conflicting emotions and hopelessness that will never let him go. I want to be like Celie from the Color Purple “Til’ you do right by me, everything you even THINK about is gonna crumble”, but without the time restriction. I want his goals to be just within his reach, and then to be snatched away, I want the love of his life to form a sex triangle with his sister and his best friend, I want his mother to disown him and his friends to cast him aside.

Bitter? Not really, I just want an access to the rage that I can only seem to access within my dreams to come to fruition in real life. I want to be able to be in touch with my emotions out here as much as I am in there. I can’t even IMAGINE feeling that kind of rage in a waking state. I think it might warp me permanently, rather than just coloring my thoughts for the rest of the day with whips and chains and blood. Issues? possibly…but perhaps this is part of healing. Since I went through it with my stepfather, until I moved past him, perhaps I have to just work through my rage in the dark of night, so that I can try to keep my inner peace during the light of day.

All I know for now though, is that I want to rip and shred and fight and scream and rage and destroy and act like an incarnation of Kali Ma and show him what pain truly is. For my own sanity though, I think I will just write it out instead.

Stay Jazzed.

Binge Binge Binge

My goal is overkill. I am going to eat and eat and eat until I am sick of it, and I know exactly how horrid I feel. That is for the rest of the week. Then, I am going to start eating right. Then, the week after that, I am going to exercise, and keep that up for 6 weeks. Then, I am going to decide how much I can up the exercise, and if I want to start doing different things. But I am drawing the life here. I want to be able to live the life that I want, without this shell/shield of fat around me.
I am too damn young and too damn cute to have to be this damn fat.

Jazzed.

Personal Note

You know it's too damn cold when your BREASTS have goosebumps.

I am not going to like this.


Stay Jazzed (and warm)

All About Moi.

“Catharsis: The Story of Me”

I have known that was going to be the title of my autobiography ever since I have even considered HAVING an autobiography. In fact, that was the title of the first OD diary I had, before JazzyBelle.

hmm… What would the main chapters be? Well… There would have to be at least one about my blood family, listing just how generally twisted they are. There would be one about my heart family, talking about how we met, and just how twisted THEY are. :) There would be one about my fathers, one about my lovers, one all about my mommy. It would start at 9th grade I think, with the occasional flashback. I would have to have a chapter of sex tales…and one of random comments. It would be one of those kind of books that you can read all the way through, or you can just pick and choose chapters. Where would it end? I don’t know…maybe it would close on me, sipping on something, staring at the sun setting over the ocean from my personal island. Somehow, I never see my life as being all wrapped up and over with. I suppose it would have to keep going until my death…and it would be nice if I was dying sipping on something, staring at the setting sun over the ocean from my personal island. :) Yeah….and even then, I hope that my life would not be done with. I hope that there will still be some part of me going on, something that I set in motion that kept moving on long after I am dead.

Stay Jazzed.

Talking for no purpose

Ugh. Doom death and destruction. Is that what I am expecting? No…that is just the ughhy feeling that I have. It’s no particular reason… I just feel… slow. I would TRY to get used to not doing anything…but dear god knows I don’t want to do that. I know I have gotten shuffled off to the little cubbyhole…and I feel totally disconnected from the rest of the world. *siiiggghhh*

My Labor Day weekend was distinguished by a distinct lack of labor on my part. In fact, I think I did more anti-labor than anything. I went out and rearranged some money (turned bras into outfits) and stuffed my face. *sighs* I tried to put together a budget, but until I know exactly how much money I am going to be getting a month, that is a dangerous proposal. And then, to add insult to injury, it got COLD. I’m talking about where is the coat, gloves, and boots, is that snow I see, kinda cold. *shudders* This place takes the change of seasons wayyy to literally. And I’m bored. *sighs*

loneliness
is no excuse
to use others to fill
the aching hole
that lingers
behind my heart
need
is no good defense
against random attacks
of empty desire that bubble
through my brain
the awareness that I don’t have
what I want
is no reason
to try to fill that wanting
with someone I don’t need.


I’m not going to repeat any of my old mistakes. Getting sucked into a relationship that I am not ready for is the last thing I need. *sighs* I don’t know… so much is new…I’m babbling.

I am in a total state of contradiction. I want to be in a relationship, I want to be looking forward to spending the rest of my life with someone, and at the same time I am forcing myself to wait for the RIGHT someone. Maybe it’s not that much of a contradiction…just a bit of a mind twist. It’s actually kinda…creepy. I’m looking forward to getting engaged, getting married… having a partner for LIFE. *sighs* I’m amazed by how much I have changed…I wasn’t a wild child for very long.
After blabbing on… I starting surfing through diaries ( yes I AM still at work) and found this color test. These are my results. Scary Scary.

Your Existing Situation
Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems.
This is so true… I feel like I am drifting emotionally, and I want someone to be..not my anchor, but a drifter with me

Your Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.
Hmm… this one I am not too sure about. I’m really not stressed right now. Bored.. yes. Nervous…yes. But stressed?? nahhh not really. I am in a situation (not doing any work) that I itch to get out of, but I don’t even know WHAT the right decision to make is

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension. Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to obtain physical satisfaction from sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.
*laughs* Oh this one is SO on point. I enjoy joining in, and having fun…but I will flee at the least sign of drama. The circumstances are I’m broke… :) which most certainly means I am forgoing some pleasures for now. Hm. I can’t say I am quick to take offense, but my feelings do get hurt easily, and it is because I tend to think that everybody is thinking on ME…. when really they aren’t. And the last thing….*shrugs* what can I say…One of my main things was that I am not going to settle for just the physical anymore. I want alll my goodies, dangit!

Your Desired Objective
Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging Sand, sun & water anyone?? With my lovely husband by my side….really…

Your Actual Problem
Tensions and stresses induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities or reserves of strength have led to considerable anxiety, and a sense of personal (but admitted) inadequacy. She seeks to escape into a more peaceful and problem-free situation, in which she will no longer have to assert herself or contend with so much pressure.
Hmmm Okay…yeah… I feel a little out of my depths…but hey.. these matters of the heart I tend to know very little about. I suppose actually FINDING somebody to keep for life would nicely end all of my current romantic issues. Right?


Hey!! All I want is to be able to live a peaceful life.

Stay Jazzed

Random Collections

Okay… I have been a good girl & a bad girl too. I have been good because I have been writing almost daily. I have been bad because I haven’t been writing here. And for some reason those dream-writings don’t have much permanence. So… I am going to transcribe all of those wonderufl bits and pieces of writings that survived the morning…or were created in the afternoon.

some day this week….Tuesday I think
Well,
There seems to be one universal common denominator of human existence: The need to complain. Forgot about love, forget about sex, forget about breathing. If humans were nothing more than sparkly motes in a vacuum void, some of them would still find SOMETHING to complain about. I know it isn’t age that causes it, because I have met complainers both old & young. I know it is not a matter of birth, because I have met complainers both rich & poor. I think that it must be something about a person, something within their heart & being that causes them to be complainers. Why.. I don’t know, but I DO know that they drive me up a wall. MY tolerance is a little bit below low…closer to non-existent I think. Even though I am not really working yet, I am noticing a good bit about what causes me to tick in social situations. I want to keep myself, and at the same time soften & open up. I truly am taking to heart the concept that if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.
Ugh. I was late this morning. I hate being late because it implies a casual disrespect of whomever is waiting for you. And at the same time, I hate rushing. How the devil can I work with both of those? And it is considered a bad thing to be too early… it gives the appearance that you had/have nothing better to do than wait. *sighs* Issues… I swear.

Thursday mebbe??
It took me 12 years to realize I was lonely.
It only took me 9 years to realize that I don’t want to be lonely anymore.
How many years will it take me to find someone I want to be not lonely with?

It’s fascinating the sudden insights one gets when I am standing on my balcony at 1:30 AM. I have firmly decided that I will work on forming relationships, reach out and seek people that I want to form bonds with. I will be able to determine what my boundaries are, how far I am willing to go. I am so very flexible, that sometimes I bend in ways that I didn’t even know I could bend, and I bend so fast that I am not sure whether I really WANT to bend that way. I know that I don’t want to be rigid, but I do want to slow down the bending a lil bit.

Something else I realized while I was standing on my balcony…I am GLAD that I moved here. I am growing in a way that I didn’t even realize I needed to grow. For all of my life I have been.. *thinks* cuddled in a all black world, with black friends, and black associates. I saw white people, worked with white people, but never did I socialize with them. *shrugs* There was no need for me to. Here however, it’s not that I don’t have a choice, it’s more that most of the people around me don’t see it as a choice that has to be made. Indy seems to be Jungle fever central…Black folx & white folx living together. I shan’t even presume to assume that the racial situation is sweet as pie, I know that isn’t so…but… there is a different attitude here. And I need that… I need to be able to break out of the segregation I grew up in, went to school in, and never really realized I was in. It’s odd… because I never had anything against white folx, it’s just that I never found myself in a situation where I would socialize with them. It’s rather fascinating. One of the nicest folx I have met so far is white…and the lady who inspired the above mini-rant on complainers is black. Obviously, I shall be socializing with one…and NOT the other.

Stay Jazzed.

The Litany Against Fear

I love the Internet. It took me all of 5 minutes to find it. : )

I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

The Mind Killer

Hmm… personally I think that the fact that they only asked us to talk about one fear is distinctly unfair. I am going to list my top three.

I would eliminate the fear of being hurt. The fear of being let down once AGAIN by someone I love.

I would eliminate the fear of not fitting in. The fear that everyone is staring at that weird chick in the corner.

I would eliminate the fear of failing. The fear of being that weird worthless chick in the corner.

What could I then do without these fears? I honestly don’t know. I might be able to live life a little more freely, more boldly, how I want to. I might not have to hunt for outside things, like the perfect outfit, and the flyest makeup, and the best hairdo, to cover up the intense insecurities I have about being that weird chick. I would feel better about me… I would be able to just be ME. I would be able to love freely, like I have never been hurt and will never get hurt. I would have a lot more hope in me about life in general.

But then…without fear, life would get pretty dull wouldn’t it?

There is a mantra/chant that always stuck with me from Dune…the book that was for a long time my bible, and that I have picked up several habits from. It has been QUITE a while since I read it (mainly because my book fell apart and I never bought another one) but it goes something like this:

Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death. I will face my fear, and when I turn to see it’s path in my mind eye, only I will remain.

I’m going to find the actual quote and see JUST how off I am.

It’s amazing how short my theme entries always are.

Stay Jazzed.

Return To Innocence

I am calling for a return to innocence. Maybe I am bitter because I seem to have missed out on the times where friendships could be created between the sexes without the sexual tension/dynamic/whatever you want to call it being there. But dammit, I am just tired of it. I don’t think that I am trying to repress my sexuality, in fact I gave up on that idea while ago. I am just trying to expand who I am far enough so that my sexuality becomes only a very small portion of who I am. * sighs * I am rambling.. and not really getting to the meat of what I am trying to say.

I suppose if I start with what irritated me, and work from there I might figure something out. I met this guy online tonight, who had seen my personal ad. In the ad I clearly state that I am looking for friends. Okay… well and good. He emails me, I IM him, and we get a nice little conversation going on. When I tell him that I am single, liking it, and plan on being that way for a while, he decides that all I need to give up the idea of this whole single thing is to run across the right man (obviously him). Ugh!! It’s starting to bug me, mainly because I keep running across this attitude, that I am just waiting for the right person. Really… I’m not. I am not looking or waiting for anyone. I just want to be alone, single, uninvolved, for a period of time in my life that will let me grow. I look forward to meeting the man of my dreams, and I look forward to getting married and having kids and raising a family. All of that I hope is in my FUTURE. Right now, I don’t want any of it. The man…the relationship, the kids. NONE of it dammit. And there is not a damn thing wrong with that. * sighs *

So I want a return to innocence. I want to be surrounded with people who are at a place in their life where the first question out of their mouth is not ‘ Are you single?’ . I want to be at a place where I can have male friends, without having to worry about them making plans on me, having intentions towards me or anything else.

See.. this is why most of my male friends are gay. That way, I don’t have to go through all of this crap. * sighs * I think I want to have my cake and eat it to. I want to be a sexual being, who inspires sexual feelings, and yet find people who are evolved enough to merely acknowledge it, and then leave it alone. I always feel completely lovely & completely sexual & totally feminine around my male gay friends. Why? Because they acknowledge who I am as a whole, and then leave it alone. Am I asking too much of straight men? * sighs* Who knows?


Stay Jazzed.

8/22/00

Hmm... just a few quick notes.
Work is going well so far. I will be in training for the next two weeks, so I get to ease into my job.
I have met a few cool people...so I don't think that I will be stuck with the folx in my group (almost all gray heads).
They are giving me a laptop. Ain't that nothing?

I have been so tired the past few nights that the thought of actually sitting down and writing like I need to is unrealistic. I have also noticed that I am getting really sensetive to my sigar highs and super low lows. *sighs* Hopefully my body will adjust to the new schedule soon.

Am I scared? Not really...nervous yeah. I don't want to be slow, but I don't want to be the smart ass youngun either. *sighs* I (IMHO) know ALOT...and I am damn good at making connections between things. So, I learn & pick things up quickly. How can I express that without seeming like a kiss-up or a snot-nose? I'll figure it out. Perhaps just by example?

I am still in love with my house. The only thing that casts a shadow is it is cold as hell. THat might be making me more tired too.
I really want a car now. Really I do. I might get one sooner than I planned. Maybe.
I'm still optimistic & excited as all get out. Is this really living?

Stay Jazzed.