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Okay… I have been a good girl & a bad girl too. I have been good because I have been writing almost daily. I have been bad because I haven’t been writing here. And for some reason those dream-writings don’t have much permanence. So… I am going to transcribe all of those wonderufl bits and pieces of writings that survived the morning…or were created in the afternoon.

some day this week….Tuesday I think
Well,
There seems to be one universal common denominator of human existence: The need to complain. Forgot about love, forget about sex, forget about breathing. If humans were nothing more than sparkly motes in a vacuum void, some of them would still find SOMETHING to complain about. I know it isn’t age that causes it, because I have met complainers both old & young. I know it is not a matter of birth, because I have met complainers both rich & poor. I think that it must be something about a person, something within their heart & being that causes them to be complainers. Why.. I don’t know, but I DO know that they drive me up a wall. MY tolerance is a little bit below low…closer to non-existent I think. Even though I am not really working yet, I am noticing a good bit about what causes me to tick in social situations. I want to keep myself, and at the same time soften & open up. I truly am taking to heart the concept that if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.
Ugh. I was late this morning. I hate being late because it implies a casual disrespect of whomever is waiting for you. And at the same time, I hate rushing. How the devil can I work with both of those? And it is considered a bad thing to be too early… it gives the appearance that you had/have nothing better to do than wait. *sighs* Issues… I swear.

Thursday mebbe??
It took me 12 years to realize I was lonely.
It only took me 9 years to realize that I don’t want to be lonely anymore.
How many years will it take me to find someone I want to be not lonely with?

It’s fascinating the sudden insights one gets when I am standing on my balcony at 1:30 AM. I have firmly decided that I will work on forming relationships, reach out and seek people that I want to form bonds with. I will be able to determine what my boundaries are, how far I am willing to go. I am so very flexible, that sometimes I bend in ways that I didn’t even know I could bend, and I bend so fast that I am not sure whether I really WANT to bend that way. I know that I don’t want to be rigid, but I do want to slow down the bending a lil bit.

Something else I realized while I was standing on my balcony…I am GLAD that I moved here. I am growing in a way that I didn’t even realize I needed to grow. For all of my life I have been.. *thinks* cuddled in a all black world, with black friends, and black associates. I saw white people, worked with white people, but never did I socialize with them. *shrugs* There was no need for me to. Here however, it’s not that I don’t have a choice, it’s more that most of the people around me don’t see it as a choice that has to be made. Indy seems to be Jungle fever central…Black folx & white folx living together. I shan’t even presume to assume that the racial situation is sweet as pie, I know that isn’t so…but… there is a different attitude here. And I need that… I need to be able to break out of the segregation I grew up in, went to school in, and never really realized I was in. It’s odd… because I never had anything against white folx, it’s just that I never found myself in a situation where I would socialize with them. It’s rather fascinating. One of the nicest folx I have met so far is white…and the lady who inspired the above mini-rant on complainers is black. Obviously, I shall be socializing with one…and NOT the other.

Stay Jazzed.